Shownotes
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There is a particular kind of pain that does not announce itself loudly. You see another parent who seems to have it figured out, who has been advocating longer, speaking more fluently, loving more visibly. And something in you goes small. You know that feeling. This episode is for that moment.
The comparison trap hits parents of LGBTQ+ kids in a specific and painful way. Because this journey does not come with a clear map, a certification, or a moment where someone tells you that you are doing it right. So we look around. We measure. We try to locate ourselves on a scale that was never designed for what we are actually doing. In this episode Heather Hester gets honest about her own experience with the comparison trap, including a recent moment that caught her completely off guard, and unpacks the lie underneath it that feels so completely true in the moment.
In this episode you'll learn how to:
* Name the lie underneath the comparison trap before it takes hold and pulls you under
* Understand why comparison hits parents of LGBTQ+ kids with a particular intensity and what is actually underneath it
* Return to your own specific story, your specific kid, your specific unlearning, as the only measure that actually matters
Press play to lift a layer of fog that may have been quietly settling for longer than you realize.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and grow their capacity for courageous, compassionate connection.
For parents, allies, and those pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast in a heartfelt and empowering space where a mom and advocate offers practical guidance and education to parents and allies, fostering empathy, kindness, love, and strong boundaries while supporting LGBTQ teens and the diverse LGBTQ community—including gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, transgender, and queer individuals—through conversations about mental health, grief, gender identity, sexual orientation, human rights, social justice, parenting, parent support, and meaningful LGBTQ allyship and allyship in action.
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Transcripts
In today's episode, you'll discover the real reason underneath your urge to compare yourself to other parents.
Speaker B:Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast for parents of LGBTQ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps hardening.
Speaker B:I'm Heather Hester, and here we talk about fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process.
Speaker B:Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed.
Speaker B:They need a parent who is grounded and strong.
Speaker B:Let's take a breath and let's begin.
Speaker A:There is a particular kind of pain that does not announce itself loudly.
Speaker A:It just quietly settles in.
Speaker A:You see another parent who seems to have it all figured out, one who perhaps has been advocating longer or speaking the language more fluently or loving more visibly, and something in you just shrinks.
Speaker A:Today we're going to name that, and we're going to see if we can lift it.
Speaker A:By the end of this episode, you are going to understand why the comparison trap hits parents of LGBTQ kids in a particularly specific and painful way.
Speaker A:You are going to have language for the lie underneath it, the one that feels so completely true in the moment.
Speaker A:And if we do this right, you are going to feel something subtle in you that has been quietly unsettled for a long time.
Speaker A:So I want to tell you something that I have not talked about on the podcast yet.
Speaker A:A few weeks ago, I was looking at podcast analytics, which is routine for me, just checking in on how things are going, what episodes are doing well, what aren't, all of those fun, analytical things.
Speaker A:And I came across something that just stopped me in my tracks.
Speaker A:A podcast I have a connection to, one that I actually helped get started, is ranked significantly higher than mine on Apple podcasts.
Speaker A:They have more reviews, more visibility, more of the markers that the algorithm uses to say this podcast matters, and so therefore puts it in front of more people.
Speaker A:And in that moment, I felt just.
Speaker A:I felt it.
Speaker A:I felt, first anger.
Speaker A:Then something smaller and quieter than anger, inferiority, the specific sting of not enough, that I thought I had done enough work to be passed by now.
Speaker A:And so I sat with it for a minute.
Speaker A:Actually more than a minute.
Speaker A:And then I did what most of us do.
Speaker A:I started down the rabbit hole, comparing, measuring, finding every piece of evidence that confirmed the story my nervous system had already decided was true.
Speaker A:I'm not telling you this because I am particularly proud of that moment, but because I think you need to know that the comparison trap does not go away.
Speaker A:Even when you get better at this.
Speaker A:It Just finds new forms.
Speaker A:And the fact that it still shows up for me after everything that I've built and learned and unlearned and all of the work that I have done personally, is exactly why this episode needed to exist.
Speaker A:So let me take you back even further.
Speaker A:Way before Connor came out, before any of this, when my kids were actually really little, when I was a young mom, in playgroups and on parent boards, doing the things that a lot of young moms do, looking around, measuring, seeing the outward joy and confidence and apparent ease of other mothers and comparing it to my own exhaustion and constant questioning of whether I was doing anything right.
Speaker A:Social media did not exist when my kids were babies, which I am eternally grateful for, because what I was already doing to myself without it was more than enough.
Speaker A:And then Connor came out, and the comparison trap found an entirely new territory.
Speaker A:My first comparison was to parents who seemed to have such an easy, open communication with their kids.
Speaker A:How was it that my son, who I thought I was close to, had been scared to tell me that he was gay for three years?
Speaker A:What had I done or not done that had made that feel impossible for him?
Speaker A:And then I found the advocacy world.
Speaker A:And there were parents there who seemed to have all the answers from the very beginning.
Speaker A:Those who knew the language, the resources, the right things to say, always.
Speaker A:Those who had been showing up for their kids and visible, confident, articulate ways since before their kids were even out.
Speaker A:And I felt that no matter how much I learned and grew and unlearned and evolved, I felt like I would never be enough.
Speaker A:Like I was always a few steps behind someone who had figured out something I hadn't.
Speaker A:That feeling, that particular flavor of not enough.
Speaker A:I want to talk about where it actually comes from.
Speaker A:The comparison trap is not really about the other person.
Speaker A:When we compare ourselves to another parent and come up feeling small, we are not actually seeing them clearly.
Speaker A:We are seeing a projection, a highlight reel, the version of them that is visible from the outside.
Speaker A:We don't have access to their 2am moments, their doubts, their stumbles, the things that they said wrong and had to go back and repair.
Speaker A:We only see what they present.
Speaker A:And then we compare that to everything we know about ourselves, including all of the things that we keep hidden.
Speaker A:That comparison is not fair.
Speaker A:Here is the lie underneath the comparison trap.
Speaker A:That whoever we are measuring ourselves against is better, has it more figured out, is more worthy of success or of love or of the good things that seem to be coming to them, that they love their kid more.
Speaker A:How is that possible?
Speaker A:Or More correctly or in a way that we have somehow failed to match.
Speaker A:None of that is true.
Speaker A:But in the moment, it feels completely bodily in your entire body.
Speaker A:True.
Speaker A:And that is because comparison is not a rational exercise.
Speaker A:It is an emotional one.
Speaker A:It is what happens when we are seeking validation from the outside because something on the inside feels unsteady.
Speaker A:For parents of LGBTQ kids, that unsteadiness has a particular texture.
Speaker A:This journey does not come with a clear map.
Speaker A:There is no certification that tells you that you are doing it right.
Speaker A:There is no moment when someone official looks at what you have built and says, yes, that is enough.
Speaker A:You can stop worrying now.
Speaker A:And so we look around, we measure, we try to locate ourselves on a scale that was never designed for what we are actually doing.
Speaker A:And the scale always finds us wanting, because that is what scales do when you are measuring something that cannot be measured.
Speaker A:So what do you actually do when the comparison trap closes around you?
Speaker A:Well, the first thing is to notice it.
Speaker A:Notice it without judgment, not to shame yourself for comparing.
Speaker A:Comparison is human.
Speaker A:It is one of the ways our nervous system tries to orient itself when it feels lost.
Speaker A:So when you catch yourself in it, just name it.
Speaker A:I am comparing right now.
Speaker A:That is the whole first step, naming.
Speaker A:It creates a breadth of space where there wasn't one before.
Speaker A:The second thing is to ask what is actually unsteady underneath it.
Speaker A:Comparison rarely shows up when we are feeling grounded and clear about who we are.
Speaker A:It shows up in the gaps when we are tired, when we have just stumbled, when something has reminded us of all the ways we are still figuring this out.
Speaker A:What is the real thing underneath this moment of comparison?
Speaker A:Name that too, if you can.
Speaker A:The third thing, and this is the one that does the most work, is to come back to your specific story, your specific kid, your specific unlearning.
Speaker A:Because here is what is true.
Speaker A:No one else's journey looks like yours.
Speaker A:No one else started where you started, carries what you carry, loves who you love, or is doing what you are doing in the particular way that you are doing it.
Speaker A:The parent you are comparing yourself to is on a completely different path.
Speaker A:Their milestones are not your milestones.
Speaker A:Their timeline is not your timeline.
Speaker A:Their version of enough has nothing to do with yours.
Speaker A:You are not behind.
Speaker A:You are exactly where your journey has taken you.
Speaker A:And your journey is the only one that your kid needs you to be on.
Speaker A:I want to come back to that moment with the podcast analytics, because here is what I know now that I did not know in that moment.
Speaker A:The anger I felt was not really about rankings.
Speaker A:It was about something much older and quieter, the part of me that still wonders after everything if what I am building is enough, if I am enough.
Speaker A:That part does not care about data.
Speaker A:It was waiting for any evidence it could find to confirm what it already believed.
Speaker A:And the thing that pulled me out of it was not a pep talk.
Speaker A:It was a question.
Speaker A:Whose voice am I listening to right now?
Speaker A:Because it was not mine.
Speaker A:It was not grounded in anything true about me or my work or the people I serve or those I love.
Speaker A:It was the voice of comparison.
Speaker A:And comparison does not know me.
Speaker A:And it does not know you either.
Speaker A:The way out of the comparison trap is not to become immune to, is to notice it faster, to return to yourself sooner, to trust, even when the evidence feels shaky, that your story has value precisely because it is yours.
Speaker A:That your kid does not need the parent who has it all figured out.
Speaker A:They need you specifically and exactly you.
Speaker A:That has always been enough and it's still is.
Speaker A:So I'd love for you to take just a few minutes and reflect on the past week or the past month and think about where the comparison trap has shown up for you.
Speaker A:And then dig a little bit deeper and think about what that lie was telling you and what is one true thing about your specific journey that no one else's story can touch.
Speaker A:I'm so glad that you are here hanging out with me today.
Speaker A:If this episode landed for you, share it with one parent who you think might need it.
Speaker A:Sometimes the most generous thing we can do is say I see you in this.
Speaker A:And if you're looking for even more tools than that, grab my Panic to Plan Free guide.
Speaker A:The link will be in the show notes.
Speaker A:I will see you on Friday for the Butterfly Effect.
Speaker A:Until then, keep becoming more human and more kind.
Speaker B:Of sa.
