Aging can be a wild ride, right? So, let’s chat about that sweet, sweet freedom that comes when you finally hang up the cape of all those roles you’ve been playing for years—parent, employee, caretaker, you name it.

Wendy Green, our fabulous host, dives into this juicy topic, reflecting on a recent gathering with her Banter Circle. Picture a cozy group of pals, sharing the ups and downs of aging, and realizing that this phase of life is less about climbing ladders and more about shedding the weight of expectations. It’s like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, but instead of wings, you might just find a comfy blanket and a cup of tea!

Wendy shares her personal journey of becoming a care partner for her mom, sparking a deeper conversation about who we are when we’re not busy filling roles that define us. She invites listeners to ponder: who are we when we’re just ourselves, unburdened by the need to be useful? The discussion touches on the universal experience of reinvention—the many times we’ve had to adapt and grow through life’s curveballs. This time, it’s not about proving ourselves but learning to let go. And hey, it’s a little scary, but it can also be liberating!

The heart of the episode encourages us to reflect on our current roles and what truly matters to us now. Wendy challenges us to ask ourselves some big questions: What do we really want? What roles are we clinging to that don’t fit anymore? You might find that making someone’s day a little brighter could be the new gig you never knew you needed. So grab a comfy chair, a cup of something nice, and tune in as we explore the beauty of just being who we are, minus the performance!

Questions promised from this episode:

• Question one: What role am I playing right now that doesn't fit anymore?
• Question two: What do I actually want to be present for in my life right now?
• Question three: What's one small way I can honor that this week?

Links mentioned:

• Sign up for the Banter Circle
• Greenwood Capital

Mentioned in this episode:

Greenwood Capital

GreenwoodCapital.com

Hello, and welcome to Boomer Banter, where we have real talk about aging. Well, my name is Wendy Greene, and I am your host.

And every week we talk about the challenges, the changes, and the possibilities that come with this season of life. And you know what? Nobody tells you about getting older.

You finally get permission to stop performing the roles you've been playing for decades, the ones people needed you to play, the ones that gave you purpose and shaped your days. Those roles start to shift, and suddenly you're standing there with this strange, terrifying freedom. Who am I when I am not performing anymore?

That's what I want to talk about today. So last month, I sat with the Banter Circle group.

That's a small gathering of people who meet monthly to talk about exactly this kind of thing, the transitions and questions that come with this chapter of life.

And we had one of those conversations that stays with you, the kind where you leave feeling less alone or more seen and a little more clear about something you didn't even know you were confused about. If you're not familiar with the Banter Circle, it's a space where we can be honest about the transitions we're going through.

Retirement, aging, relationships, purpose. It's not therapy. It's not a book club. It's just a real conversation with people who get it and people who are going through it.

And we're always open to new members. So if that sounds like something you need right now, reach out. I'll have the information in the show notes.

So in the last month meeting, we talked about changing roles, about who we are when the performance is over, and how to listen to ourselves when we're finally allowed to stop meeting everyone else's expectations. And you know what I realized? This isn't new for any of us. If you're listening to this, you've probably reinvented yourself dozens of times already.

Maybe you went back to school as an adult. Maybe you got laid off a few times and had to start over like I did.

Maybe you raised kids alone and moved to a new place where you didn't know soul and you built something from nothing and you know what it feels like to shed a skin and grow a new one. But this transition, this one feels different because it's not about climbing anymore. It's not about proving or achieving or becoming.

It's really about letting go. And our culture doesn't really have a roadmap for that. A little over a month ago, my mom moved in with me. I'm a care partner now.

And I mention this not because this episode is about caregiving. It's not. But because it's just the latest version of what we're all doing. We're shape shifting again, taking on new roles, letting go of old ones.

And this time we're doing it in a culture that doesn't quite know what to do with us. So let's talk about that. Let's talk about who you are when nobody's expecting anything and why.

That may be the most important question you've ever asked yourself. So here's what I mean by performance. For most of your adult life, you've been playing roles. And I don't mean that in a fake way.

These are real important roles. Parent, partner, professional caregiver, leader. The responsible one, the one with the plan, the one who shows up and gets it done.

And those roles, they gave you shape. They told you where to stand and what to do and how to measure whether you were doing it well.

They may have been exhausting, yes, but they were grounding. You knew who you were because of what you did. And then something shifts. Maybe you retire.

Maybe the kids grew up and moved out and built their own lives. Maybe your body started making decisions for you about what you can and can't do anymore.

Maybe someone you love died and your role as their person just ends. And you're still here. But the script has changed. Someone in the banter circle said this. I am that I am. You are you a being.

And you don't have to put a label on it. I am that I am. It's so simple, it almost sounds like nothing. But think about how radical that is. You don't have to be anything.

You don't have to prove anything, anything. You just are. Except we don't know how to do that, do we?

We've spent our whole lives being for someone, being useful, being needed, performing the roles that kept the world turning. There's this question that people ask when they meet you. So what do you do? And for decades, you had an answer.

You were an engineer or a teacher, or you ran a business, or you raised kids. That answer was shorthand for your worth, your status, your place in the world. But what do you say now? I'm retired. I used to be a whatever.

I volunteer. Sometimes none of those feel right, because they're all defined by what's missing, by what you're not anymore. And here's what makes this so hard.

You might have actually liked those roles. I am sure you were good at them.

And you might miss the clarity they gave you, the sense of Purpose, the feeling that you mattered because you were doing something that mattered. But that performance is over, or at least the lead role is. And now you're backstage wondering, who am I when I'm not on stage?

This is not a crisis, or it doesn't have to be. It could be a doorway. One of the women in the banter circle said something that really kind of stopped us all for a moment.

She said, my challenge has been letting go of a role that I've had because of previous jobs and previous responsibilities. I am stepping away from being the controller. Ooh, the controller. Yeah. That landed with us, because how many of us have been the controller?

The one who made sure things got done, problems got solved, people got taken care of, the one who saw what needed to happen and made it happen. That was your role, and you were good at it. You had to be good at it because people were counting on you.

But now your kids are grown, they don't need you to manage their lives. They don't want you to manage their lives.

And stepping back from that, letting them make their own mistakes, find their way, figuring things out without your intervention, that's harder than it sounds. Because if you're not the one with the answers, who are you?

Well, she went on to say, I'm giving them more responsibility for themselves, letting them come up with their own path, their own direction. Unless I'm asked. Unless I'm asked. That's the practice, isn't it?

Holding your wisdom lightly, knowing you have experience and perspective and insight, and also knowing that offering it unasked is just another form of control, another way of staying in the old role. This applies to so much more than just our adult children.

Doesn't applies to friends who are making choices that you don't understand, partners who are on their own journey, family members who are struggling with something that you can't fix. It even applies to you. How often are you trying to control your own life in ways that don't fit anymore?

Pushing yourself to stay busy because you think that's what you're supposed to do. Saying yes to things out of obligation instead of desire, Trying to be the person you were 10 years ago instead of accepting who you are now?

And I don't mean, you know, giving in to feeling older. I mean just accepting we are older. I mean, we're 10 years older, but we can still do the things that we want to do and are able to do.

So letting go of being the controller means trusting. Trusting other people to figure it out, trusting yourself to know what you need and trusting that things can unfold without you forcing them.

And that's terrifying because control was your role. It's what you did. It's who you were. But maybe it's time for a new role when you get to write yourself.

Another woman in our group shared something her grandson said to her recently. I love this. He said, grandma, you don't realize you and grandpa are the glue in this family.

She teared up a little bit, telling us this because she hadn't thought of herself that way. She wasn't running the show anymore. She wasn't solving problems or making big decisions or keeping everyone on track. But she was the glue.

And she said, I think it's because they feel comfortable and accepted and welcome, and that's a big deal.

These days, everybody's life is stressful, and if you can give them a little island where you're not trying to tell them what to do, how to be, where to go, that matters. An island. Not a command center, not a performance review, but an island of acceptance.

That is the shift, I think, from manager to glue, from fixer to presence, from performing a role to just being being yourself. Another person said, what I do is I look for an opportunity to make someone's day better. I just look for it. And if you're open, you'll recognize it.

Make someone's day better. Not change their life, not solve their problems, not perform some grand gesture. Just make their day a little better.

That could be a smile at the grocery store. It could be really listening when someone's talking instead of thinking about your next answer.

It could be texting your kids to say, I'm just thinking of you. Could even be letting somebody merge into traffic. These aren't small things. I mean, they're small in action, but they're not small in impact.

And here's what I'm realizing. This kind of presence, this kind of attention, this way of moving through the world, it's not a role, it's not a performance. It's just you being you.

Showing up as yourself without trying to be what anyone needs. And that doesn't fit on a resume. It doesn't come with a performance review. Nobody's going to give you a promotion for being the glue.

But it's real, it matters. And it might be the most authentic thing you've ever done. So here's where we get to the real questions. Not who are you? But who do you want to be?

I told the group, when we change roles, we don't have to reinvent. We just have to be aware. We have to be aware of what's important to us, who we are and who we want to be.

Because we don't have to be who everybody expected us to be at one point in our life. We don't have to be who everybody expected us to be. You spent decades meeting expectations.

Your parents expectations, your employer's expectations, your kids expectations. Your partner's expectations, society's expectations about what it means to be a good parent, a good worker, a good citizen, a good person.

You performed those roles, and I'm sure you've performed them beautifully. But they were still performances. And now. Now those expectations have loosened their grip. Not entirely.

There are still plenty of people who will tell you how you should age, what you should do with your time, how you should act. But the consequences for not meeting those expectations are different now. You're not going to lose your job.

Your kids are grown and they still love you. You've done the hard work of building a life. So what do you actually want? Not what you think you should want.

Not what would look good to other people. Not what role you think you should be playing. What do you actually want? Maybe you want to be quiet. Maybe you want to say no more often.

Maybe you want to spend entire days reading or walking or doing nothing and stop feeling guilty about it. Maybe you want to be bolder. Maybe you want to finally take that trip or learn that skill or say the thing you've been holding back for 30 years.

Maybe you want to think about that. Maybe you want to be softer, less defended, more open to connection, even though connection could mean risk.

Maybe you want to be funnier or more serious or more spiritual or less spiritual or more political or less political. The point is, you get to choose now. Not completely, not without constraints, but more than you have in a long time.

Someone in the group said, I am changing present tense. Not I changed or I need to change. Just I am changing right now, in this moment.

That's the practice, noticing that you're changing, paying attention to what feels true now versus what felt true five years ago, giving yourself permission to be different than you were. And that's not always comfortable. Because changing means letting go of who you were. And you probably liked who you were.

Maybe you might miss that person. You might miss the roles that you played. And you can honor who you were and still become who you were meant to be now.

Okay, I want to give you something to take with you from this conversation. Not homework or an assignment, just an invitation. Sometime in the next few days, find a Quiet moment. Maybe it's your morning coffee.

Maybe it's before bed. Maybe it's sitting in your car before you go into the house and ask yourself three questions.

You can write the answers down if you want, or just sit with them. Question one, and I'll put these in the show notes. Question one. What role am I playing right now that doesn't fit anymore?

Maybe you're still being the fixer, the one everyone comes to with their problems. Maybe it's the busy person who fills every minute of the day because that's what you've always done.

Maybe it's the strong one who never admits they're struggling. Maybe it's the person who says yes when you really wanted to say no. Just notice it, name it. You don't have to change it right now.

Just see it clearly. What role are you playing right now that doesn't fit anymore? Question 2. What do you actually want to be present for in your life right now?

Not what you think you should care about. What do you actually want to show up for? Is it your grandkids? Your health? Your creativity? A friendship that's been on the back burner?

Your own peace of mind? Time in nature? Learning something new? What's calling you? What do you actually want to be present for in your life right now? And question three.

What's one small way you can honor that this week? One small thing. Not a complete life overhaul. Just one small move in the direction of what you actually want.

Maybe it's saying no to something that doesn't serve you. Maybe it's calling someone you miss. Maybe it's sitting outside for 10 minutes without your phone.

Maybe it's letting someone else solve their own problem instead of jumping in. Maybe it's doing something creative just because it feels good. One small thing. And if you want to go deeper, start keeping a simple journal.

Nothing fancy, just a few lines every day about what you're noticing, what feels true, what feels false, what you're learning, who you are becoming. Because your story matters and your transitions matter.

And your wisdom matters not because of the roles that you've played, but because of who you are. So who are you when nobody's expecting anything? I don't know the answer for you, but I know this. You're more than the roles you've played.

You're more than what you did. You're more than what other people needed you to be. And this season of life, this letting go, nobody's asking you to perform season.

It's not the end of your story. In fact, it might be an exciting new honest chapter.

Because for maybe the first time in your life, you get to decide who you are based on what's true for you, not what's useful to everyone else, not what role you're supposed to play. Someone in our group said don't should on yourself. Do things because they resonate with your heart, not because you feel obligated.

And I think that might be a big part of this. Practice listening for the resonance, trusting what feels true, letting go of the performance.

And if you want to be part of conversations like this, real, honest, unscripted conversations about what it means to navigate this chapter of your life, I'd love to have you in the banter circle. The information is going to be in the show. Notes on how you can join. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for doing the hard work of figuring out who you're becoming. Do take care of yourself this week. And remember, you don't have to perform any war, you just get to be. Sam.