Does your family have lore?

You know—those stories that get told over and over again?

Well, imagine my surprise when one of those familiar childhood stories—one I’ve heard a million times—suddenly made me feel all triggered and uncomfortable. I felt myself getting defensive, my body heating up, and I quickly changed the subject so I could get back to enjoying game night.

But I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

Over the years, I’ve learned that when something triggers me, it’s often a good idea to pay attention. Sometimes, it means there’s something deeper that’s ready to heal.

So I started unpacking it. And I think I’ve figured out why that retelling hit differently this time.

In this episode, I talk about parent-child relationships, the seasons of being a daughter, and how my view of my parents and my childhood has evolved over time.

Maybe you can relate…

xx,

Megan

COVERED IN THIS EPISODE:

• [00:00] Surprisingly triggered by a childhood story
• [02:56] How our parents shape who we become
• [04:10] The pressures of parenting and giving grace
• [05:54] Reframing childhood stories
• [06:49] The changing seasons of being a daughter
• [11:13] Letting go of the manual and choosing peace
• [16:55] A new season of compassion

RESOURCES:

• Full show notes: maybethiswillbethecure.com/blog/daughter-seasons

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• Email - megan@maybethiswillbethecure.com

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DISCLAIMER

The information shared in this podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Consult your physician before making any changes to your health plan. The host, Megan, is not a healthcare provider. Always seek guidance from a qualified health professional for your individual needs.

Megan: Welcome to maybe this Will Be the Cure, a podcast where the wisdom of a healing journey meets the warmth of shared experiences.

Join as we explore the topics of healing, living with chronic conditions, chronic pain, neurodiversity, mental health, and parenting kids with disabilities.

I'm your host, Megan.

So I went up to Utah recently to help throw a baby shower for my sister. I love doing that kind of thing. And it was so cute. We did like an airplane theme and we had, you know, over the island, we made balloons to look like clouds and had these cute little wooden airplanes hanging from it.

And for the drinks, I made a little sign that said like, jet fuel. And we had really. The lunch was amazing. My mom made it. And then we had cute little travel snacks like pretzels.

And one of my sisters, she took, she had like a plane hanging, like a big, cool, vintage looking plane hanging. And behind it she had taken,

I don't know, like cotton wrapped around wire to spell out the baby's name in cursive. Coming from behind the plane. It was so cute. Anyways, the details were just so cute.

The flowers were beautiful. It just was the sweetest.

And anyways, it was a really fun whirlwind weekend. I just went out by myself just for a couple days and it was a great time.

And one of the nights I was hanging with family and my parents were there and cousins and anyways, we were talking about parenting and my dad started telling a story,

like a story from my childhood. It's been told a million times before.

But for some reason I started to get kind of triggered and I just like felt my body getting all heated. I started feeling like defensive for some reason.

And I remember even mentioning in that moment, like,

whoa, I'm getting a little triggered. And it was just kind of confusing because I had heard that story told multiple times before.

But, you know, I was just like feeling super uncomfortable. So I just tried to like, move the conversation along and like change the subject.

But I've been thinking about it ever since.

Whenever I get triggered by something like that, I really try to pay attention. I've learned that,

I don't know, I just feel like it's like my body bubbling up something else I'm finally ready to heal from. Or it's like my body's like, pay attention to this, you know, and it's ready for that level of healing or whatever.

So I've just been thinking about it and dissecting it ever since.

And I think I finally figured out why I got so triggered.

And so in this episode I'm going to talk about parent child relationships and the only reason I feel comfortable to record an episode about this is ultimately because I have very loving,

supportive parents.

Anyways, as I've dug in trying to understand like why was I so triggered in this moment,

I've been thinking about how our parents and our experiences with our parents, our relationship with our parents can have a large impact on our health and our well being.

Emotional, mental, spiritual, physical.

And you're probably like, well duh, Megan,

stating the obvious.

But seriously,

I've just been thinking about that.

Your worldview,

health habits,

your spiritual beliefs, your religion,

your education,

your relationships,

a lot of these aspects are molded largely by the experiences and relationship you have with your parents.

And I've been with my husband for I think 15 ish years now and that is still less than the time that I spent in my parents home. It's, and at a impressionable age, you know, it's a meaningful,

impactful relationship.

And like I said, I'm grateful to have loving, supportive parents. But like every human on the planet, they aren't perfect.

And as a parent myself, I have so much grace for them and so much grace for myself as an imperfect parent.

And I realized there's so many pressures on parents. You know, you have to provide for your kids well and yourself. Like the basic life necessities, food, shelter,

you've often got to navigate work pressures on top of being a caregiver and parent.

You know, as I've been working full time this past year, it's been a whole different ballgame from when I worked,

you know, in a corporate setting. Before, when I would come home, I didn't have kids so I could just like relax all afternoon and evening. And now it's like I'm done with work and I am all on as in mom mode because they've been, you know,

waiting for me all day to be done. So that's a whole different experience.

You know, when they're little, you gotta keep them alive, which is stressful. They're crying a lot or you don't know what's going on.

Like when they're babies,

sometimes they get sick or her or if they have mental health issues, it's really stressful.

And then, you know, there's the pressure of making sure that you're supporting them on their journey to adulthood and preparing them for their future and making sure you're providing the opportunities, experience and knowledge to become an adult.

And then add to that,

you know, I'm a parent to two kids that are neurodivergent I have recently been learning about my own neurodivergent brain as well. And I know that that has its own unique set of challenges, and it can be so confusing sometimes.

And so I just again, have a lot of grace for my parents and myself as an imperfect parent.

So a year ago, I came across this podcast about story work. And I don't, I still don't know much about it. So if you're listening and you're. And you're familiar with it and you're like, this girl has no idea what she's talking about,

you're totally right. But there was one thing that stuck out to me when I was listening. It was,

it was about like claiming your own story as a child as it relates to your parents. And, you know, a lot of times we tell this story that our parents did the best they could and he was pushing back like,

no, your parents didn't do the best they could. They could have done better and you deserved better.

And he talked about being honest about that with yourself, I guess. So you could heal and like, move through it.

By the time I didn't really get it, and as a parent myself, it was kind of like,

hard to swallow.

But going back to this moment recently where I got so triggered,

I think that this is part of the puzzle and I'll try to explain. So I'm the oldest of seven and I've gone through my own journey with the parent child relationship,

and I've also gotten to watch my younger siblings go through that as well. And so I've started to see different seasons, I guess is what I'll call it.

And it's not always linear. Linear. There's different seasons I've observed, and this is just my experience. But one ex, one season I would say is like when you're a little kid and you're growing up in your parents home and they're the authority and they're right about things and they know mostly everything.

And you know, as a kid, I accepted every aspect of their perspective and insights and their worldview almost completely.

And then I moved into, you know, when I moved out of the house, went to college, started dating. Then I kind of moved into this new season where I started to see things about my family and my family culture, my parents that were different than, you know, my friends or my roommates or the people I was dating.

And,

you know, they might point things out like, oh, it's so crazy that your family does it this way.

But at the time I would say I was Just kind of defensive, like, well, no, of course my family does things the best way. The way your family does it is wrong.

My family does it right.

So there was that season,

okay, and then I got married. And,

you know, in those early days of marriage, when I'm fresh to this new family and experiencing this new family culture up close, and,

you know, I married into an amazing family. I truly, genuinely love them all. They're so great. My in laws are so supportive. They're so cute. And listen to this podcast sometime, which is just, like, so sweet and supportive of them.

But in those, you know, early days of marriage, when I'm looking with fresh eyes,

seeing this other family culture up close,

I started to see things that,

you know, I saw things about my family culture, my parents, that I appreciated more,

but then also seen maybe challenges or flaws or things that I would do differently.

And I've seen this with all my siblings and myself. You kind of move into this, like,

angry or bitter phase,

you know, where you're, like, mad at your parents like they were. They did all these things wrong or picking out all their faults or their flaws, and that becomes, like, really heightened in that season.

But then I had kids, and I had neurodivergent kids, and I didn't understand what was going on. It was so bewildering all the time and confusing and so hard. And,

you know, you pour so much love and time into them, and you live your whole life around them and their needs, and you do so much for them. And a lot of times it's completely unappreciated, and it can be really hard and really demanding.

And it just gave me so much grace for my parents,

you know, and then I learned that I'm neurodivergent myself with my own mental health issues that had always been there, but I just didn't have a name for it.

And that gave me even more grace for my parents. You know, they had to parent this kid with all these challenges without the knowledge and the resources that I have now.

And I just think, like, how tough that must have been.

And I understand the pressures of parenthood firsthand, you know, now that I have my own kids.

And so with that experience, I moved into this new season where the anger, bitterness, any of that just completely melted.

And I was like, oh, I get it now. Like,

okay, I get it. I take it all back.

Parenting is hard.

Just all grace.

Um,

and then, you know,

continue to grow into adulthood, and I have different experiences and expectations,

and very common in relationships to have expectations for other People or want to be,

you know, view things the same way. And there was some topics that I had a different point of view than my parents. And I would be frustrated sometimes that they didn't always see eye to eye or that they didn't always understand where I was coming from, or maybe they didn't do things the way that I wish they would.

And then I came across Brooke Castillo, who started the Life Coach school.

And she talks about this concept called the manual.

And she explains how we have this manual for people that we expect they follow. You know, a good mom does this, a good dad does that.

And it's these expectations we have for people and it's the meaning that we're placing on their behavior.

For example,

maybe our definition of a good friend is someone that remembers your birthday. And because of that story, maybe you get hurt, like your feelings hurt if your friend forgets your birthday.

Maybe you tell yourself that they don't care about you because they forgot your birthday. And she explains that we think that we will only feel better if someone else's behavior changes.

But she reminds us that it's our thoughts about their behavior that ultimately determines how we feel about it.

For example, in that birthday example, what if that friend has adhd? And dates are hard for their brain to remember, but they show up in lots of other ways to show that they care about you.

And if you have that thought, like, oh, oh, they have adhd, dates are hard for them, it doesn't mean that they don't care about me. Maybe that changes the way you feel.

And we often want people to change how they behave,

but trying to change and control other people is, you know, basically impossible. And second, even if they behave differently, you might still have negative thoughts like kind of running the show and making you feel bad.

So she'll talk about how you know it's totally okay to have requests for people,

but tying your emotional well being to their behaviors and the negative thoughts and stories and meanings that you just ascribe to that behavior can heap on extra suffering.

And like, you don't have to make that behavior mean something negative.

And she talks about letting people be who they are and then you choosing how you want to show up.

So in that friend example,

if you accept that your friend is bad at remembering birthdays, maybe instead of that manual that says that they aren't a good friend because of it, maybe you accept your friend as they are.

And if you want to celebrate your birthday with them, maybe you could tell that friend,

hey, I want to celebrate my birthday. With you. My birthday's tomorrow. Do you want to go to dinner tomorrow?

I'll try to give another example from my own life. So I have no concept of time.

It just.

Time just moves along and I just get wrapped up in whatever I'm doing and then come up for air three hours later, not realizing how long I've just been deep diving.

If I need to get somewhere on time, I literally have to write out each thing that I need to do in order to get ready and write out about how long each thing will take.

And give lots of buffer time because inevitably I'll estimate wrong or get distracted while I'm getting ready. And then I have to set alarms for each step of the process ahead of time.

Like, my brain just doesn't automatically do that. That's what it takes.

But before I realized this about myself and came up with strategies, my poor husband would get so frustrated and feel like I didn't care about him because, you know, he'd tell me the time that he wants to leave or get somewhere, and I would never be ready on time.

And he would be like, you know, she doesn't care about me,

or she doesn't care about the things that are important to me.

But as he got to know me better,

you know, further on in our relationship, he realized that time awareness is a weakness of mine. And he threw out that manual or that negative story that I didn't care about him.

And instead he viewed my lateness or my inability to keep track of time just as a weakness. And so instead, he just started helping me get ready.

So he'd get the boys ready, or he'd pack the bag and he'd give me reminders of when we needed to leave and how much time we had left.

And then, you know, more recently, as I've learned about my neurodivergent brain and how time is a challenge for me, it makes even more sense now, and I have strategies to help me.

And he also helps. He'll give me reminders like, we need to leave in this many minutes, OR hey, it's 3:30 right now. And I, you know, we need to leave in 10 minutes.

And I'll always be like, oh my gosh, it's 3:30. Like, I had no idea how late it was, you know, every time.

Anyways, I'm probably not doing a great job of explaining the manual concept, so I'll try to link to it in the show notes. But it was a really helpful reframe for me, and it gave me a new way to view things in relationships and allowed me to choose new thoughts and new interpretations and new meanings around my interactions and relationship with my parents and any relationship.

And so I moved into this new season where I can let my parents be themselves without getting us frustrated or worked up.

I could let go of some of the negative meanings I was attaching to things,

and also I could show up differently. So, for example, if I know certain topics are very activating for my parents, maybe I don't need to bring those up at the dinner table.

You know, we have plenty of other things to talk about. Or maybe I learned that, oh, my dad loves to pick out his own gifts for Christmas and that brings him way more joy than anything I could try to pick out.

So instead of being offended that he isn't squealing with joy from the gift that I spent so much time trying to pick out and make it mean something negative, maybe next time I can just give him some cash and then just watch him light up as he opens the gift that he got for himself.

That's exactly what he wanted. You know, I can let him be him and I can choose to show up differently in a way that brings both of us more joy and ease.

Okay, now back to the story where I got so triggered.

I swear I'm getting there.

As I was thinking about why I got so triggered, that podcast about story work came to mind.

And I've started to realize that I think I was upset because for so long the story was told a certain way. It's a light hearted anecdote that includes some of my weaknesses as a kid.

It highlights some of the challenges that my parents faced when I was a kid.

And yes, in a lot of ways, I was hard to parent. I,

you know, one time I had this giant meltdown where my mom had to basically drag me out of the store. And then I broke the windshield wiper handle off inside the car.

And yes, I had OCD as a kid that was undiagnosed. And so I had all these nutty rituals and compulsions and I would hide when I was overwhelmed and write goodbye notes coated in ketchup, you know, fake blood for drama.

And yeah, I had panic attacks and depression and seizures and I struggled to go to school and I'd refused to go some days.

And I'm sure that all of that was very stressful and confusing. It was probably really hard to be my parent.

And as a parent with two kids with some similar challenges and multiple disabilities, I, I get it. Like, deeply, I deeply understand how challenging that must have been.

But also I was a kid.

I was a kid that was struggling,

that needed certain supports and help that my parents didn't or couldn't give me.

I needed help with my homework and understanding of why it took me several hours to do something that took my classmates 30 minutes.

I could have really used teachers and a school environment that understood my capacity and why school was hard for me to get there on time and why I missed a lot of school.

I needed to know that that awful feeling in my body, the feeling like I can't breathe is actually a panic attack and that I wasn't going to die and that it was going to pass.

And there's strategies to help you get through.

Would have been really nice to know and understand what depression is and that that awful feeling will pass and that I'm still a good, wonderful person even when I'm plagued by intrusive thoughts.

Thoughts or bad moods.

My parents were great parents. And yet, like all parents, they didn't always give me the support that I needed.

Like that story work podcast acknowledged,

parents don't always do the best they could.

Parents could sometimes do better.

And as a parent myself, it stings.

And yet it's true.

And I can love my parents and see their story and see the challenges that they faced.

And I can acknowledge that they too were once children that might not have gotten the support that they needed either. And I can have so much grace for them and acknowledge how hard they tried and all the love and effort they put in each day for their kids.

But I'm experiencing this new season one where little Megan needs me to stand up for her.

And I know saying little Megan is so cringe, but it's the best way to describe this that you know. In that moment, as I heard this story that's been told a million times,

I just felt like the little inner me shrank and something in me now snapped. And I, like this mama bear, raged for little Megan. Like, no, I don't want to hear that narrative anymore.

Little Megan needs to hear. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you didn't get the support that you needed in that moment.

I'm sorry for the ways that the adults in your life failed you. You were just a kid.

I see you and I'm here for you and I've got your back, little Megan.

And of course I'll continue to give my parents and myself as a parent so much grace.

But right now, I'm listening to little Megan's story and I'm sticking up for her and I'm giving her the support that she needs.

And I'm giving myself the support I need right now. I'm getting support to work through these triggers and process these experiences and help my body feel safe.

I'm learning about my neurodivergent brain and OCD and all the strategies that can support me.

And again, I it's just like so cringe that I say little Megan. I feel so weird saying that, but I don't know how else to word it.

And I'm taking the time to experience, experience this new season where I feel this defensiveness for her and process and make sense of that and make space for it so that it can move through my body.

And I'm sure that I'll continue to experience even more different seasons as a child with parents.

And before I wrap up, I just want to say to my parents, mom and dad, if you ever hear this someday,

I love you guys so much and I appreciate everything that you've done for me and I really hope I didn't offend you with anything I said. I just think it's important to talk about those different experiences that we have with our parents.

And I hope that you also can relate as children with parents of your own.

Anyways,

I'd love to hear from anybody if you can relate with any of these seasons that I talked about.

And thank you for being here and for letting me talk your ear off.

Thanks for joining us today. Where dreams are nurtured, challenges are met with resilience, and every tiny step forward is a victory hit. Subscribe so you can easily I find new episodes and join this community because maybe this will be the cure.