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Being, and Raising, A Leader with Vulnerability and Integrity During Family Challenges- Holiday Edition
Episode 2229th December 2021 • The 6570 Family Project • Nellie Harden
00:00:00 00:19:41

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Family is messy!  Right?  Often during the holidays, we are presented with high octane family drama coupled with the big expectation of always keeping that smiling and holiday cheer coming.  It truly can be one of the most stressful times of year for so many.

In this episode, I am going to walk you through some quick tips on how to show up with leadership in those times and hold vulnerability and integrity on the front burner for your kids to see and learn from… even in the super sticky and hard moments.

About the Host: 

Nellie Harden is a wife of 20+ years, mom to 4 teen/tween daughters, dreamer, adventurer, servant, multipreneur, forever student, and a devoted teacher, but her ride-or-die passion is her work as a Family Life Coach & Mentor.  

Coming from a career background in marine mammal sciences, behavioral work, and a host of big life experiences, both great and not some not so great, she decided that designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their 4 daughters, wanted to live.  

Her work and passions exist in the realms of family and parent mentorship because she believes that a family filled with creativity, fun, laughter, challenge, adventure, problem-solving, hugs, good food, and learning can not only change a person’s life but is the best chance at positively changing the world. 

She helps families build Self-Led Discipline™ & Leadership Into their homes, sets their children up for a wildly successful life on their terms, and elevates the family experience with big joy, palpable peace, and everyday growth!

 With a lifelong passion and curiosity in thought, choice, behavior, and growth she has found incredible joy in helping families shift perspective, find answers, and a path forward.

 

(Nellie has been coaching families for over 10 years and has degrees in Biology, Animal Behavior, and Psychology. )  

 

LINKS:

Family Success Vault- https://www.nellieharden.com/vault

Website- https://www.nellieharden.com

Online Community- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project

Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/    

Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/

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Transcripts

Nellie Harden:

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project

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podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the

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way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground

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for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,

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strength and joy. Come in here all the discussions, get all the

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tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into

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the real challenges in raising kids today how to show up as

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parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the

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family and individuals of the world. My name is Mellie Hardin,

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big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front

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porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and

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minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline

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and leadership that elevates the family experience. And sets the

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kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch

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their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the

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6570 family project. Let's go.

Nellie Harden:

Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the 6570

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family project, where parents are seen as family architects

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building the beginning of someone else's future that

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someone else is our kids. And guess what you guys they are

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always watching us. And in today's episode, since it is

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this time of year, no matter when you are listening to this,

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this is always going to be a factor. But this is being

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recorded around the holidays. And you and I both know that the

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holidays are wonderful. They're amazing. And it's the great some

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of the greatest time of year. And it can also be some of the

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most stressful time of year because of all of those family

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gatherings, friend gatherings, the expectations right to do all

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the things all at once. And keep a smile on your face the whole

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time and be in holiday mode, right. And so I wanted to kind

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of, if you're listening to this, when I first come when it first

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comes out, then this is the last podcast of 2021 coming out, I

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can't believe it's almost 2022. That's crazy to me. But you'll

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also be listening to this probably on the tail end of some

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crazy family get togethers. And if you're nodding your head

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right now, I totally get you. So when you go to a family

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gathering, there is the complaining, the gossiping, the

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talking behind the back the frustrations that are not

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addressed, right? This can be happening in all corners of the

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room. And this is friends or family right? All corners of the

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room. And then definitely in the car ride going home. Right? All

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the things. And it's so easy to fall into this trap. You guys it

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is so easy when someone comes up and they're like, Did you hear

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what our cousin Joey was doing? Did you hear what this? And

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you're like no what you know, and then you're like, oh, yeah,

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and it's just so easy to fall into that trap. And I we can

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catch ourselves. And then I realized I need to do some

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repair work, right? Especially if my kids over hurted or what

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have you. And it's some things that always come to mind are you

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know what? I shouldn't say that they're doing the best they can,

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right? Or they're just doing what they know. They're doing

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their best they're doing what they know. How about this one,

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you know what, it's not my life, I don't need to step into that

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right? Or God created, created them with love to write all of

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the things. And these are things we need to remind ourselves of

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sometimes and stop ourselves in the tracks. But really showing

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our kids how to deal with this family turmoil through our own

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family turmoil. And again, I keep saying family, but it could

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be family and friends whatever is really important and showing

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up in that vulnerability and integrity. So what do I mean by

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this? Well, how we help heal ourselves and help heal others

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is through one thing and one thing only, just like with

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parenting, it's through all of those courageous conversations,

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right? The conversation has to come first the action comes

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after that. And then we have healing and reparations and

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everything after that, right. But there's really four areas or

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four groups of people that if you are going to a party get

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together, etc. Fill in the blank, there's going to and

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maybe there's some some things that have been swept under the

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rug before maybe there's some pent up frustrations, maybe

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there's some questions about things. There's really four

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areas of people then that you're dealing with and that is willing

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and able, willing and unable, unwilling, unable and unwilling

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and unable. So let me walk through each one of these and

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what that might look like with each one because you're like,

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that was a lot of words knowing I get you. So number one is the

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willing and able group. Now, this is a great group, maybe you

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have some issues with your mother in law, Sister in law,

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mother, brother, you know, sister, whatever the aunt

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Phyllis, or what have you. And so maybe you have some issues

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there. And maybe they are willing and able to talk to

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like, sit down and talk to you about those things. And this is

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the most ideal, obviously, when someone is willing to have a

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conversation with you, that means that they're open to it.

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Hopefully, it's not just a passive aggressive, and you

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know, them sitting there with pursed lips and crossed arms, I

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would definitely put that into more the unwilling category,

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which we'll get to in a minute, but I'm talking about really

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willing and really able to sit down and actually have a

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conversation and go over, you know, what happened,

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where the, you know, disconnection is, and if an

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apology is in order from one or both of you, then you go ahead

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and do that, right? And what does an actual apology look

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like? I talk about this with my families a lot. But it's

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important for these apologies to be demonstrated outside of your

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immediate family to so they can see your kids can see even more.

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And I'm not saying that your kids need to be in the room

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taking notes. As I'm watching this. That's not what I'm saying

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at all. But there will be a conversation after this. I'm

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sure like, just so you guys know, you know, Uncle Bob, and I

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sat down and we talked through this and you know, we we met

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some resolve. And so things are better now and what have you so

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it can be conversation later. But what does a real apology

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look like? Well, I have I use and created the acro method. And

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that is there wasn't action at some point, right? And then

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there was a natural consequence to that action. One of you isn't

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happy something happened, what have you, then there's

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repentance and then redemption. Okay, so ACR, but in that

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repentance, what does that actually mean? And a lot of

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people can, you know, go well, you know, if I personally am a

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Christian, but even if you're not a Christian, you understand

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what repentance is, it's turning away from what is causing the

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pain, right. And so, Repentance means truly just turning away

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from the action. And when someone is apologizing, and that

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someone might be you, it might be your child, it might be Uncle

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Bob, whoever that is, you really need them to have good eye

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contact, right? That is very, very, very important to have eye

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contact, because it shows that the person is actually talking

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to you. I mean, think about it, when your kid is trying to

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apologize, and they're staring off at the wall or whatever

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you're like, No, you need to look at me, right? And so eye

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contact is so important. So eye contact, a clear voice, like not

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mumbling or saying half words or just like saying what we want

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them to say in this rush, tone, or whatever. But I contact a

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clear voice saying what they are sorry for Right? Or what you are

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sorry for maybe what you could have done differently and how

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you hope to move forward. So there's what five, five pieces

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their eye contact, clear voice, say what you're sorry for what

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could have been done differently, and how you hope to

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move forward. Those are five pieces to a great apology. Now,

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if Uncle Bob is apologizing to you, and he doesn't hit all of

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those steps, I don't need you critiquing him that's not going

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to go well. Right? These are for these teaching moments or for

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within our family. A lot of times we aren't going to be able

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to budge Uncle Bob's apology, but but if you are the one

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apologizing, that is a great frame of reference to have

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following those five criteria right there. Again, eye contact,

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clear voice say what you're sorry for how you could have

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done things differently and how you hope to move forward. Okay,

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and then resolve and just talk about it, and then do exactly

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that move forward. Okay, so the next group are the willing and

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unable and this is a very difficult group, and that

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actually has been exacerbated and grown so much because of

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COVID. That's been happening, but I really encourage you to

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find a way with technology or whatever you can, because if

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you're both willing, then there is a way I promise if you're

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both willing, there is a way there's even carrier pigeons

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friends. I'm not suggesting it but I'm saying there is a way.

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Okay, so let's move on to our unwilling groups here. So we

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have the people that are unwilling, but they're able. And

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unfortunately, this is probably going to be a big group of

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people, right? They don't want anything to do with it, you want

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to talk about it, there's something bothering you. But the

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the person on the other end is unwilling. They're able, but

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they're unwilling. And so that's when you have to have a

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conversation with your family, with your kids, and really talk

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to them about how it affects you. Because I promise that your

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kids are going to run into this in their lives, too. And they

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are going to be looking for a roadmap. Okay, so I really

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something, you know, really terrible happened, or I really

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need to talk about this with that person, but they are

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unwilling to talk to me, what do I do? Well, now is your teaching

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moment. Remember, you're the architect and the 6570, these

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beautiful 6570 days, that is their runway to adulthood, and

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is your teaching and training zone, right? This is your high

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impact, high influence time.

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And this is when you can give them a lesson in this way. And

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really, it's all about controlling what you can

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control. So you cannot control somebody else that is unwilling,

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right. But you can control yourself, you can get it off of

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your chest, maybe that is journaling, writing a letter,

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even, you know, to some degree, if it's at some degree going to

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a therapist, right? I have heard people writing things and then

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burning it right just to having these cathartic release moments,

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writing it on a rock and throwing it into the ocean,

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right? All of these things, if that other person is unwilling,

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then you need to do something that is within your control in

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order to release this because you don't want that other

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person, that unwilling person to lock you in an emotional jail,

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that you cannot release yourself from right there holding the

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key. No, no, no, you hold the key to your own emotions, your

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emotional, mental and physical well being okay. And so this is

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a great lesson to teach our kids about controlling what you can

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control and accepting what you cannot control. It's hard. But

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there's many, many times that this is going to happen in life.

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And then there's the unwilling and unable so there's something

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there's some big big boundary, international lines or what have

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you. And most likely, unfortunately, this the person

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that you need to talk to you in this category might have passed

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on, right. And that can be really hard to have unresolved

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issues with somebody that has passed on. And so again, that

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what you do about it goes back into the person that was

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unwilling, unwilling, but able right there, this person is just

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passed on. So they're unable, and but again, taking control of

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what you can control and releasing that maybe that means

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you apologizing to them, even though you absolutely know you

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will never get an apology back from them. But you just need to

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forgive them. And maybe apologize to them yourself.

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Depending on what it was. There's so many different

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situations that can happen out there. But maybe you need to

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apologize, maybe you need to forgive them, even though they

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didn't say sorry, again, just to get it off your chest. So you

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aren't walking around in that emotional jail and under that

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huge burden anymore. Just get rid of it. control what you can

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control. You don't want to walk into 2022 with this, again,

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burdening you, right? And speaking of 2022, you guys, if

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you didn't listen to last week's episode, about planning for your

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2022 and what you're going to do to pivot your future, and the

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next year, go listen to that it is so good, and has some great

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nuggets in it because I want 2022 to make a mark in your

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family, right? If I was graphing with my kids earlier today, we

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were doing distance and time graphs. We're doing motion and

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physics. And so I have graphs on the brain. But if you have a

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graph of your family and where you're going, I want 2022 to be

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a pivot year for you, that sends you Soaring towards your

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potential. And that takes planning and designing it does

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not just happen by happenstance. Right? It takes intention. And

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that's what we're doing in the 6570 we're waking up every

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single day with intention. Will it always go the way that we

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expected or wanted to go? Heck no, no way this is life after

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all. This is family after all. There's in your family There is

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more than you. So remember, we can only control ourselves. We

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can teach and we can influence and we can impact others. But we

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can only control ourselves. But within your family by you guys

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taking the bull by the horns, so to speak, then are the reindeer

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by the horns this time of year. But you can take control and

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really set intention for 2022 and say, This is our year. So go

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back and listen to episode 21. You guys. Alright, I know this

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is a busy time of year. I don't want to take up too much of your

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time. But I hope you have had and we'll have a fantastic

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holiday season. And if you are not listening to this around the

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holiday season, I hope you have a great day and week as well.

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And no matter what time of year it is, there is always those

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family dramas, right? Absolutely. So in the 65 seven

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do you guys, we are always building discipline and

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leadership today in order to shape tomorrow. And we are

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elevating the family experience and building a foundation of

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life for our kids. Remember, you

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are the architect of this project. So happy building

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everyone. Have a wonderful day and I'll talk to you soon. Thank

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you so much for listening today. And I hope you were able to take

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something from our discussion that you can use to build the

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foundation of self love leadership in your own family.

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If you are a parent with children 17 or younger, and

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especially those around nine and up, I would love to extend an

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invitation to you to the best club in town. The family

Nellie Harden:

architects Club is a private club where intentional parents

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go that want to love support, connect or reconnect and really

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truly help guide their kids and teach them how to self lead in

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discipline and leadership. This is an online community and the

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you are welcome to it. Parenting is a project and you are the

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architect of this one. You plan you design and oversee the

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construction of the beginning of someone else's life. And that's

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what goes into these first 6570 days. And it will be the

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foundation for the rest of their lives. So come join the club.

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You can find your invitation on the front page of my website

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Nelly hardened.com That is ne ll ie H AR d e n.com. Thank you

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again for being a part of this conversation today. And if

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something really resonated with you, or if you have a question,

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please don't hesitate to connect with me. You can find me on

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Instagram at Nelly hardens. And lastly, if you love the

Nellie Harden:

information, please please leave a five star review and a comment

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so more and more families can be impacted by harnessing the

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strength of these ideas and tools in their own families. So

Nellie Harden:

thank you so much. Happy building you guys and I'll see

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