Shownotes
In Inner Peace, Better Health, hosted by Nazish, this conversation with Valerie Greene gently reframes anxiety as an invitation to deeper connection.
This episode is for anyone who avoids difficult conversations, overthinks relationship tension, or struggles between suppressing feelings and expressing them impulsively. You’ll discover how emotional honesty, self-awareness, and courage can transform conflict into intimacy and create a more grounded, peaceful connection.
About the Guest:
Valerie Greene is a relationship mentor and certified coach with over two decades of experience. She specializes in helping women and couples turn conflict into deeper intimacy, drawing from her own journey of emotional healing.
Episode Chapters:
00:00 – Why relationship anxiety isn’t the enemy
04:30 – Suppression vs expression: the common patterns
10:15 – What courage really means in emotional moments
16:40 – Understanding needs vs strategies
22:10 – A real-life example of conscious communication
28:00 – Building secure attachment through self-awareness
33:20 – Creating win-win conversations in relationships
Key Takeaways:
- Anxiety often signals an unmet emotional need
- Suppressing or dumping feelings both harm connection
- Courage means staying present with discomfort
- Needs are universal; strategies create conflict
- Slowing down helps regulate emotional reactions
- Curiosity deepens connection and reduces tension
How to Connect With the Guest:
Website: https://coachvaleriegreene.com (free resources and tools shared)
🎙️ Want to Be a Guest on Healthy Mind, Healthy Life?
Send me a direct message on PodMatch.
👉 DM Me Here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/avik
🌱 About Healthy Mind By Avik™️
Healthy Mind By Avik™️ Global Mental Wellness Podcast Network - focused, credible, no more identity clutter.
👉 Subscribe and be part of this healing journey.
Refer a Guest
Know someone who would be a great fit for one of our podcast shows? Email us at [email protected] with the subject line “Refer a Guest.” Requests without this subject line cannot be catered to.
Support Our Podcast: Support this Podcast
📬 Contact & Links
Brand: Healthy Mind By Avik™️
Based in: India & USA
📌 Disclaimer - This episode is produced for educational and informational purposes only. All views expressed by the guest are their personal opinions alone and do not represent the views of the host or Healthy Mind by Avik™. The Network does not verify, endorse, or assume responsibility for any guest statements. Nothing in this episode constitutes medical, legal, financial, or professional advice, please consult a qualified professional before making any decisions. Listeners are encouraged to engage critically and independently with all content do not consume blindly. Use this content as a starting point for your own reflection and research, not as a substitute for professional guidance. Third-party content is referenced under fair use for informational purposes only. Guest speakers are solely responsible for their own statements.
If you have concerns about any content, please contact us here
By listening, you acknowledge and accept this disclaimer in full. Read detailed disclaimer here.
#podmatch #healthymindbyavik #podhub.club #mentalhealthawareness #relationshiphealing #emotionalintelligence #innerpeace #selfawareness #anxietyrelief #personalgrowth #mindfulliving #healthyrelationships #emotionalhealing #attachmentstyles #selfgrowth #consciousliving
Transcripts
00:00:07 Nazish: Most of us were never taught what to do with anxious feeling that rises when the relationship gets hard. When there's tension or distance or a conversation we have been avoiding for weeks. The instinct is usually to manage it, suppress it, smooth it over, keep the peace. But what if the anxiety, the discomfort, the fear, the tightness in the chest wasn't a warning to stop? What if it was actually an invitation to go deeper? So today we explore what it means to transform anxiety into something else entirely, something steadier, something that leads not to distance, but to real connection.
00:00:49 Nazish: Welcome to inner peace. Better health. Part of Healthy Mind by Awake Network. I am your host, Nazish, and this is the space where we explore the quiet, powerful connection between our emotional world and our overall well-being. Joining me today is Valerie Green, a relationship mentor, a certified coach who has over two decades of experience helping women and couples transform conflict into genuine intimacy. Trained in the Gottman Method, emotionally focused therapy, NLP, and holistic health counseling. Valerie's work begins with her own story. Years of suppressing emotions, sweeping conflict under the rug, and eventually turning a path to be a kind of love. She now helps others build. So today we are talking about anxiety. Not the clinical kind, but the emotional kind. The kind that lives our most important relationships and how transforming it becomes a path to inner peace. So while I'm so glad you are here and I welcome you to the show.
00:01:55 Valerie Green: Thank you.
00:01:56 Nazish: So, you know, before we begin, I just have something for my listeners to hear. Like these listeners, some statements are reflected as personal beliefs and experiences and are presented as individual views, not medical advice. So listeners should consult qualified professionals for medical conditions.
00:02:18 Valerie Green: It's so nice to be here. It's like, because if we're talking about anxiety, anxiety is a clinical diagnosis. And so, yes, I want to be clear, that's not what we're talking about. And yeah, I really do love this topic. It's actually one of my favorite topics to speak about because, um, you know, I was raised, uh, you know, my parents did a lot of stuff, right? But my dad had an anxious personality and I kind of inherited it. So yeah, what I'm talking about here is not, um, clinical anxiety, you know, but it's more just the normal anxious feelings that we have in any relationship, you know? I mean, not just romantic. I mean, it's the same thing. Like, if you're anxious about talking to your boss, you know, it's not just romantic relationships, but of course, romantic relationships bring it up more than anything else, especially if we have an anxious attachment style which causes us to really feel ramped up. Anxiety when we sense that our partner is pulling away or things are getting too serious or. Yeah, exactly what you said. If like, we want to have a conversation that we think might not go well, and usually the pattern is to either sweep it under the rug and keep the peace and pretend like everything's fine or to kind of, you know, try to get it over with and get the feelings off my chest and just express them. And, you know, because I've certainly I vacillated between those two extremes in my twenties and even 30s before I learned these tools. Um, and, you know, now I will say that my marriage is very harmonious. But yeah, like back when I was first learning to manage my own anxious feelings, I would just be kind of like a not very pleasant to be around. And I pushed a lot of people away. And, you know, so I definitely this is one of my favorite topics to speak about.
00:04:07 Nazish: Absolutely. And I believe this is one of my favorite topics to talk about as well, because anxiety is something we all face, whether it is in relationships or in a work work places, everywhere. Now. I'd love to start somewhere about you. You have spoken openly about suppressing emotions and relationships and sweeping conflict under the rug. Disconnecting without fully realizing what it is. So what did you actually feel like from the inside and when and what made you finally decide to stop it?
00:04:42 Valerie Green: Yeah, that's such a good question. Um, and what I will say is in my romantic relationships, you know, because that's what I talk about the most and what I specialize in coaching people in is in romantic relationships. It really reared its head, um, in, uh, the patterns that I had in my twenties and even with my ex-husband because I got married in my, um, when I was thirty, um, in my early thirties. But, uh, you know, I met my ex-husband in my twenties. And so this pattern now I'm almost fifty, but this pattern, um, really, really came to a head, uh, actually with my ex-husband, but it it started in childhood, you know, um, where the pattern was that I would either, you know, I wouldn't, I would, I would come up with something that I wanted to talk about, you know, something wasn't working for me. Something that he was doing wasn't working for me. And I would pretend like it was fine because I knew that if I brought it up, it would cause an argument. And I didn't know how to deal with arguments. I hated arguments, and I just would sweep under the rug and I would just say, it's fine, it's fine. You know, it's not a big deal, you know, rationalized. Um, but then of course it would come to a head and then what would happen when it came to a head is I would get really anxious about it. I have to talk about this. I don't know how I have to talk about this. I don't know how, but I didn't know how to get out of my head because I was stuck in my head, because I hadn't learned the tools that I'm going to share with you about how to be with feelings, because that's one of the main things that I teach to my clients is we're only taught as a culture two ways to relate to feelings. We either suppress them and, you know, kind of imagine that you're trying to you're, you know, in a pool and there's a beach ball and you're trying to hold it under the water. It takes a lot of energy to hold it under there, right? That's what it means to suppress feelings. It doesn't really work very well. Um, and the other option is to just get it off your chest, like I'm saying. But the problem is with things like either anger or anxiety when we try to get them off our chest, right? You can feel my energy in that even like brought a little bit of that when I was trying to, uh, I noticed I interrupted you in the beginning, you know, to preface that this wasn't clinical anxiety, right? So it's like, I still have the vestiges of that in my personality. Um, I don't think it comes out in my coaching practice, but it still comes out in my relationships. But the difference, which I'll talk about in a few minutes is that people who have a secure attachment style, or people who know how to feel courage. Courage doesn't mean that we don't feel anxious. The definition of courage is not that we don't feel fear. It's that we open our heart to fear so that we can be with it, which is the third option. The third option is to open our heart to our feelings so that we can be present with them, so that we can get curious about what's the underlying need, and not in a needy way. Because to be needy is actually that second option of getting it off our chest, right? We've all been around somebody who can't handle their own feelings, and they're just like, I need to just get it off my chest and, you know, and they're just demanding about it and you have to do it my way. Right? And that's, that's what it means to be needy. But having needs doesn't mean we're needy having needs in. Um, I like to use the modality of nonviolent communication for an exploration of what a need is. And nonviolent communication says that what a need is, is it's an experience that I want to have. So we can even take that example in the beginning when I kind of interrupted you. Sorry about that. Um, to say that we're talking about anxious feelings, not clinical anxiety. So the need in that case was clarity. I needed to clarify what we're talking about. And if I slow down, which I didn't do in that case, and I take deep breaths, I regulate my nervous system, I recognize that it's not a life or death situation because obviously, if it is, if anxiety is coming because it's a life or death situation and you need to get out of the way of a moving car, that's actually panic, not anxiety. Get out of the way. Um, anxiety is, The definition of anxiety. I actually really like Carla McLaren's definition. She wrote a book called Embracing Anxiety, which is an awesome book in my opinion. Um, anxiety is a taskmaster. It's trying to plan, okay, this has to happen in the future, but it has sort of like this all or nothing approach to it. It's like all this stuff has to happen now, you know? Um, and so we have to learn how to manage it. Uh, panic is life or death. That's the distinction. But with anxiety along with other feelings, you know, there's really the same thing with anger. If we try to just express it and get it off our chest, usually that pushes people away. Same with anxiety. But if we apply courage to it, courage means, um, opening our heart to it because the root word of courage is coming from the French word, which means heart. Then we can slow down. Then we can take deep breaths. Then we could realize it's not life or death. Then we can ask, what is it that we need? And I actually really learned how to do this with my ex husband. And you can see the endorsement on my about page on my website that my ex husband actually wrote an endorsement for me because, um, I really healed this pattern in my relationship with him. I healed a lot of patterns in my relationship with him, and I healed my blocks to unconditional love with him. Um, and we realized that we wanted different things out of marriage. And of course, I still had to grieve when we broke up, but we remained friends. Um, and now I'm happily married to someone else, you know, uh, many years later. But so, but that was when I really transformed this pattern. I actually hung a sheet of feelings and needs on my wall, uh, our living room wall. And when we were arguing, I took a time out and I soothed my nervous system. And I looked at the sheet and I identified my feelings and needs and came back. And, you know, now they have apps on the phone that do that, right? This was shows you how long ago it was. Um, but, um, then I was able to return with courage, with an open heartedness with saying this is what I need. What do you need? And, and learning how to really listen empathically for his feelings and needs and share my feelings and needs. And then we could have a connected conversation, even if we wanted different things. And obviously in a marriage, it's usually, I say, when couples come to me for coaching, most issues can be worked out. Unless you have completely different visions about what you want out of the marriage, you know what lifestyle you want, what roles you want, um, how your personalities, uh, intersect. But of course, you know, values, shared values. Uh, the number one reason why John Gottman says that couples break up, that couples say they break up is because of a lack of shared vision for the future. So that's more what I it's things that me and my ex husband didn't clarify before we got married. So. So that's why I actually wrote a whole book about that. It's called the Commitment roadmap, and it's really how to determine that you want the same things before you get engaged. Um, that's a big part of it. Um, but so I really learned these skills with my ex husband. That doesn't mean that we stayed together, but you know, now it's what makes my marriage thrive with my current husband. Because, um, if I didn't have these tools, then our relationship probably wouldn't work because I still have an inclination towards feeling anxiety. You know, it's something that I'm working on with my healing process, but I've learned how to manage it with these tools because I find that they work with me and my clients, that it's not about not feeling anxious, it's about having courage. And, um, so we can look at that. We can look at what is courage. And the analogy that I like to use for courage is unconditional love is always in the heart. If we open it. It's just that these feelings of anger and anxiety, those are the two that really mask the unconditional love the most. Kind of like when a weather storm is clouding the sun. You don't see the sun. But it's not that the sun isn't there, it's just that the clouds are blocking it. It's the same thing when we're feeling strong emotions. So strong emotions might block the love. But it's not like the love isn't there. So when we can slow down and take deep breaths and learn how to regulate your nervous system, which is, you know, easier said than done. But of course I teach how to do that. And then we can ask, what am I needing? And recognize that there's a difference between a need and a strategy. That all comes from unconditional love to myself. I'm like having that sense of interest and curiosity, which is the same actions that we take when we love another person. We're interested and curious to get to know them. It's the same when we apply that same love to ourself. I take the time to get to know what are my feelings and needs. And if I'm nervous about a conversation, the conversation is only going to not go well if I'm rigidly attached to having things my way, or to winning the argument or to proving my point, which is not coming from love that's coming from fear. So if I ask myself, how can I have courage? It's actually saying that I can have love towards the fear. Love is the larger option, right? Just like when the sun comes out, it actually evaporates. You know, the the water and it it, it shines through the clouds and the clouds part in the sun is always there. It's the same thing with applying courage to fear. If we actually open up our heart to the fear, we realize that the love we have in our heart is bigger than the fear. And we can ask what we need underneath the fear. And let's say what you know, let's say I'm going to, you know, we can come up with a practical example. Um. What's one thing I've wanted my husband to do differently lately? Um, you know, I know this is like a really cliche example, but yesterday I actually did tell him to take the garbage out because he forgot. Right. And if I'm coming from anxiety like I used to do, or from anger or annoyance in the past, you know, I would have been like, come on, the garbage hasn't been taken out for two days, you know? And it would have been complaining about it. And then he would have felt me making him wrong, and then he would have gotten triggered and felt distant. You know, that's just like a little mini example. But enough times of that and it would have taken away from our connection. But what I did instead is I gave compassion to my annoyance. That's opening my heart to it. I looked at what do I need? Well, obviously I need in that case, the need. The NVC need is order. Like I need or beauty or functionality. Um, you know, I need it to like not smell gross. Um, and um, so I guess that would be like beauty and functionality and order, right? Those are the NVC needs. Now when people are first learning nonviolent communication, they usually think they have to say the NVC need. And it is kind of clunky and contrived. Like people don't walk around saying, I feel kind of grossed out and I need beauty and functionality and order. Like, people don't talk like that, you know? But it's kind of like training wheels where I can identify the needs and then I can use English to talk about it or, you know, whatever language you prefer. Um, so I forget what I said, but I was just like, yeah, it smells kind of gross in here. Uh, you know, I, uh, I understand, but so sorry, I'm jumping to what I said. It's like the, the, the simple technique is I'm clarifying my feelings and needs. And then I imagine what he's feeling and needing. Right? That's the mutuality of it. That's how I'm really applying courage because it takes courage to find that win win and to communicate it in a way that acknowledges that both feelings and needs are important, but that's how you transform conflict into deeper connection. You're saying I have feelings and needs. He has feelings and needs. Needs don't conflict strategies conflict? I can demand that he take out the garbage now and then. He'd feel controlled, you know? Um, but so then I guessed what his feelings and needs are now. He actually hasn't been feeling well, so that's easy, right? For me to like really tune into why he hasn't been doing it. Um, he was actually feeling kind of dizzy yesterday, so obviously I'm not going to make him wrong for not taking the garbage out even though it like smells and it's overflowing and I'm injured, so I can't do it. Um, but I can have compassion. So if I'm being curious about why he didn't take the garbage out, it's easy for me to have compassion and not have an energy where I'm making him wrong. Because a lot of times when we're anxious, we're myopic. We can't see the other person. We can't see their feelings and needs. We kind of have a make wrong or needy, desperate vibe to us. So it requires us to slow down, open our heart, which is the courage. Have curiosity for my feelings and needs, have curiosity for his feelings and needs, and then approach the situation from an open hearted place. So, you know, what I said was probably like, yeah, something smells in here. I mean, I understand why you haven't taken the garbage out yet. You know, it makes total sense. Um, you know, uh, when do you think you could do it? You know, like, I'm just curious. So that's not coming from an anxious place. It's like really being collaborative. It's really wanting to know what he's feeling and needing too. And that's kind of the formula there. Because if we have acting from the heart, which is the courage, then that starts with being curious about our internal experience and then being really curious and accepting about the other person's internal experience and trusting that there's the win win. So that's what courage makes possible. So absolutely.
00:20:27 Nazish: That is something, I mean, I must say, you know, these these little incidences in our life are actually the ones that can build a better relationship with our partners. And, you know, when you are coming from a better place than anxiety and you have explained it so wonderfully, like talking about your own lived experiences.
00:20:48 Valerie Green: Yeah, I think that really communicates it well. Um, you know, that's something that, as we said in the beginning, we would want to talk to a professional about, but, um, you know, I have the emotion of anxiety come up. But the difference between that being a problem that is getting in the way of creating intimacy in my relationships versus it bringing us closer, is that, you know, I like to say that people with an anxious people with a secure attachment style, like when when we have an anxious attachment style, and then we evolve to what's called an earned secure attachment style, which is what happens when we heal, but doesn't mean that we no longer feel anxious. People like to think that, oh, I need to feel secure instead of anxious. And it actually prevents healing because then you judge yourself when you're anxious, and then if you judge anxiety, then you get more anxious about being anxious. That does not work.
00:21:46 Nazish: Absolutely. I mean, that makes so much sense to all our listeners today. And, you know, Valerie, if there is one thing that I am going to take this from this beautiful conversation and everything beautiful that you shared with us today is that anxiety in love isn't a sign that something is wrong with you. It is often a sign that something real important wants to be felt, and the courage to turn towards it instead of away is where the inner peace actually begins.
00:22:15 Valerie Green: Absolutely. Yeah. And I actually, I love what you are saying. And yes, we can weave all of this in with the theme of inner peace because I said that courage comes from the heart. But also when we have this deeper understanding between the difference between a need and a strategy, um, I like to, I like to use the acronym that comes from nonviolent communication of Plato, because Plato is a really wise philosopher. So it's like a, a cool acronym that if what you want is a particular place, location, action, time, or object, Then it's a strategy, not a need. And a need is a felt experience that you want to have that has a thousand strategies. And so that insight leads to a deeper feeling of peace.
00:23:12 Nazish: That is put so beautifully. And I believe our peace is really what matters at the end of the day. You have brought such beautiful depth and, you know, beauty and honesty to this conversation. And I believe a lot of our listeners are going to resonate with it, because all that you shared with us today is something that everybody feels in their relationships, like whether it is a, whether it's, it is with their partners or at some place else.
00:23:42 Valerie Green: Because I really feel like these teachings are universal, especially in today's world, because what causes the most anxiety is change. And the world is changing incredibly rapidly right now. Um, And, you know, all these new technologies that are changing the way that we relate to work and all of these, you know, political changes that are happening globally, and people are really scared and people are scared of losing their jobs. People are scared of their relationships changing and their roles changing within their relationships. And, you know, it's not an easy time to be alive, but it's an exciting time to be alive because, you know, we have unprecedented opportunities. But in my opinion, in order to really seize those, we need to be grounded. We need to be open hearted, and we need to have that feeling of inner peace. We need to cultivate that. And that is really, in my opinion, you know, you can use whatever tools you want. You don't have to use mine. But I think everybody who teaches these tools uses the same distinctions of, um, Slowing down, regulating your nervous system, opening your heart to whatever you're feeling and discovering what you're needing and creating win win solutions. You know, I think that's like the essence of what I'm saying. And obviously that's easier said than done. So that's why I love to support people in my coaching practice. But you know, of course I want people to get benefit from this no matter what.
00:25:18 Nazish: So also, just like I also want to ask that, where can our listeners connect with you? Where can they find you and reach out to you?
00:25:26 Valerie Green: Yes. Thank you. Um, so my website is probably the best place. I have everything there. I have free gifts there too. There's four free gifts on my website. I actually always forget what um, tab that is, but I think it's called the free gifts tab or free products tab. Um, but um, I, if you look on that there, the, the gift that I have that's the closest to this interview. It's called, um, healing. If you go to my website and you look at the free gifts tab and you go to healing, um, and it's actually two free chapters in my book, uh, it's reprogramming, limiting beliefs. And then it's my process. I have a five step process called self empathy. And it's very similar to what I have talked about today on this interview where you slow down, feel your feelings challenging your limiting beliefs, because like, that's another thing is to challenge your thinking. If, um, if you're anxious, a lot of times your thoughts are ruminating and a lot of them are not true, or at least they're not entirely true. So it's like, really how to get perspective. And then you go deeper in looking at what it is that you're needing and, um, finding a harmonious strategy to meet your needs. So that is in my free gift that's on my website, um, how to Uh, heal and access unconditional love. So you can find all of that on my website, which is coach Valerie green dot com. That's C o a c h v a l e r I e and G r e e n e. There's a e at the end of my last name, so coach Valerie green dot com, and you can find everything there. I can actually look it up right now. It's the I always forget it's called free ebooks, uh, slash training. So if you click on that, there's a healing tab. So.
00:27:23 Nazish: All right. Thank you so much. will make sure to include all these details in the show notes so that a lot of people can reach out to you and, you know, join, join in in this beautiful journey. Valerie, thank you so much for this beautiful, beautiful, um, conversation with you and for the reminder that the most intimate act in any relationship isn't a grand gesture. It is the quiet decision to stop hiding and let yourself be seen.
00:27:52 Valerie Green: Absolutely.
00:27:55 Nazish: Yeah. And dear listeners, if this conversation touched something in you, something you have been carrying quietly about a relationship or about the way you move through conflict, you don't need to act all in all at once. Just let it sit with you. Let it be the question you hold gently. This is inner peace. Better health, part of healthy mind by awake network. I am Nazish. Be gentle with yourself and I'll meet you in the next one.
