For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

Ever feel like your anger takes over before you even realise it’s happening? In this practical and encouraging episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares six simple but powerful tips to help you stay calm in the heat of the moment.

From spotting early warning signs of anger to using empathy, these tools will help you break old patterns and respond with calmness, not conflict.

Key Takeaways:

-Your body gives early signs of anger, like tension and quickened breath, that you can learn to recognise and manage.

-The real cause of anger isn’t what happens. It’s your thoughts about what happens.

-Using the “Tension Scale” helps you catch anger before it spirals out of control.

-Deep breathing, positive self-talk and short breaks can help defuse intense emotions.

-Empathy and Time-Out strategies are essential tools for handling conflict in relationships.

-Taking ownership of your anger empowers you to choose healthier responses, and create stronger, more respectful connections.

Links referenced in this episode:

angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management

angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle

angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System

Why is it that the smallest things set you off?

And why do certain moments, the same ones over and over, pull anger out of you faster than you can stop it?

And why is it that you can stay calm with your boss, your colleagues, complete strangers, but lose it with the people you love most?

Those questions are tough because they're real.

But if you're here listening today, it tells me something important.

You're not hiding from anger anymore.

You're ready to understand it, take responsibility for it, and finally, learn how to respond instead of react.

In today's episode, I'll break down six simple, powerful tips that can completely change the way anger shows up in your life.

Tips that will help you recognize the early signs of anger in your slow down the racing thoughts that fuel the fire, communicate without escalating, and step out of old angry patterns that have been running the show for years.

So if you've ever wished you could stay calm when it matters most, this episode might be the turning point.

Welcome to episode 62 of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and For the last 30 years, I've helped over 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more respectful relationships.

In this podcast, together with my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help you control your anger once and for all.

In today's episode, I've asked Jake and Sarah to take a deep dive into six foundational skills that can help you stay grounded, catch anger early, and change the way you show up in the moments that matter most.

Let's get started.

Hey, everyone, and welcome back.

Today, we're going deep on something I think we all struggle with from time to time.

And if you're looking for some practical ways to kind of get a handle on those heated moments and build healthier relationships with the people in your life.

Yes, I think you're in the right place, because I think today is going to be a game changer for a lot of people.

I think so, too.

And, you know, it's so common for people to feel like anger is this big, overwhelming force that takes over, but the truth is, we actually have a lot more control than we think.

Okay, that's reassuring to hear.

So where do we even begin with all this?

Well, one of the most important things to understand about anger is that it's not really caused by the events that are happening, but by our Thoughts about those events.

Well, wait, so you're telling me it's not my partner leaving their dirty dishes in the sink that sends me through the roof, Right?

It's my thoughts about the dishes.

Yeah, exactly.

So let's say you walk into the kitchen and you see that sink full of dirty dishes.

Your thought might be, ugh, they did it again.

They don't care about me or my feelings or how hard I work.

And it's those thoughts.

Those are the judgments and assumptions that are actually triggering the anger.

Okay, that makes sense.

But how do we actually, like, change our thinking in the heat of the moment?

Like, when I'm already seeing red about the dishes, it's really hard to suddenly be like, maybe they had a really rough day.

It is, and it takes practice.

And that's where something called the tension scale comes in.

Oh, I like this.

Yeah, so imagine like, a scale of 0 to 10 where 0 is, like, totally relaxed.

Yeah, exactly.

And 10 is, like, full blown rage.

Yeah.

And we all have a point somewhere on that scale where anger starts to take over.

So the key is to become aware of your own personal tension level before you hit that point.

Okay, so let's say I know I tend to lose at around a seven.

I should start paying attention to what's going on when I'm at, like, a five or a six.

Like, okay, my heart rate's going up, my jaw's getting tight.

I'm starting to clench my fists.

That's like my cue to intervene.

Exactly.

Recognizing those early signs gives you a chance to apply some de escalation techniques.

Ooh, we're gonna have a whole other deep dive just on de escalation techniques.

Absolutely.

But for now, just think about it like catching a snowball as it starts rolling downhill.

I like that.

It's a lot easier to stop it at the top than when it's gained all this momentum and it's about to flatten you at the bottom of the hill.

Right.

Okay, so we're getting good at recognizing our triggers, catching that anger snowball early.

Yes.

But what about those times when we do, like, full on get angry?

Like, we hit an 8 or a 9 on the tension scale?

Does it ever help to just let it all out?

That's such a great question.

And while it might feel good in the moment to explode or, you know, really let somebody have it.

Sure.

Take a moment to think about it.

Has expressing anger aggressively ever actually solved the problem?

Ooh, that's a good point.

In my experience, it actually almost always makes things worse.

Yeah.

It damages our relationships and creates more conflict.

Yeah, you're so right.

I could definitely think of a few times where I said some things in anger that I wish I could take back.

Yeah.

It's like.

It's like throwing gasoline on a fire, right?

It is.

So if aggression isn't the answer, what are some healthier ways to deal with that really intense anger?

Think of it like training a muscle.

Okay.

We need to practice relaxation techniques regularly, even when we're not angry, so that they're ready to go when we need them.

Yeah.

Simple things like deep breathing, positive self talk.

Okay.

Or even just removing ourselves from the situation for a few minutes can make a world of difference.

So deep breaths, positive self talk.

These are like our secret weapons in the fight against anger.

They are.

But how do they work?

So deep breathing helps to calm your nervous system.

Okay.

Which is in overdrive when you're angry.

Right.

It's kind of like hitting the pause button on your body's stress response.

Yeah.

And then positive self talk helps to challenge those negative thoughts that are fueling the fire.

So instead of thinking, this is a disaster, I. I could try shifting my thinking to, okay, this is challenging, but I can handle this.

Exactly.

And sometimes the best thing you can do is just step away from the situation for a few minutes to let those really intense emotions subside a little bit.

That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah.

Sometimes I just need to go for a walk, get some fresh air, and come back to the situation with a clearer head.

Perfect example.

Even a short break can help you regain control and respond more thoughtfully.

Okay.

So we've covered a lot of ground here.

We've talked about recognizing our triggers, catching anger early, using that tension scale and some simple but powerful relaxation techniques.

Yeah.

It feels like we're building a pretty solid foundation here for understanding and managing anger.

I think so too.

But what happens when our anger is directed at someone else?

How do we navigate those situations?

That's where empathy comes in.

Okay.

You know, anger often makes us very self focused.

Yeah.

And it kind of blinds us to the other person's perspective.

So it's so important to try to see the situation from their point of view and understand why they might be acting the way they are.

So instead of thinking, oh, they're being so unreasonable.

Right.

I should try to understand what's going on for them.

Exactly.

Remember, there's always at least two sides to every story.

That's such a good point.

Yeah.

But what if, even with the best intentions, things are still getting really heated?

What's Our next move.

In those cases, it's so helpful to have a pre agreed upon timeout strategy.

Now, this doesn't mean storming off in a huff.

It's about calmly communicating to the other person that you need a break to cool down and then agreeing to revisit the conversation later when you're both a little bit calmer.

I love that idea of a timeout.

It's like hitting the reset button before things escalate any further.

Exactly.

And remember, this is something you should discuss with your partner or whoever you tend to have conflict with before things get heated.

Before.

Yeah.

Agree on a signal, maybe a time frame.

What you'll both do during the timeout to de escalate.

That's such a good point.

Having those ground rules in place beforehand can make a world of difference.

For sure.

Okay, so we've covered so many valuable tips already today.

Yes.

But before we wrap up this first part, is there anything else you want to leave our listeners with?

I think it's really important to remember that managing anger is an ongoing journey.

Yeah.

There will be ups and downs, Times when you feel like you're nailing it and times when you might slip up.

Yeah.

The key is to be kind to yourself.

Yeah.

Learn from those experiences and keep practicing.

That's such a good reminder.

We're all human.

We're all learning and growing.

We are.

So before we move on, let's do a quick recap of the key takeaways from this first part of our deep dive.

Okay.

We talked about how it's our thoughts, not events, that cause anger.

Right.

We learned about recognizing our triggers and using that tension scale to kind of gauge where we're at.

We explore the power of some of those relaxation techniques like deep breathing and positive self talk.

Yes.

And then finally we discussed the importance of empathy and having that time out strategy.

Absolutely.

This is good stuff.

But wait, there's more.

That's right.

Right.

Let's move into something even more impactful now.

Taking responsibility for our anger.

Ooh, that sounds intense.

But I have to admit, sometimes it feels easier to blame other people for making me angry.

Uh huh.

It's kinda like, well, if they hadn't done that, I wouldn't be feeling this way.

You know, it's a very common trap we all fall into.

Yeah.

But the truth is no one can make you angry.

You know, they might do things that you find frustrating or even hurtful, but ultimately it's our choice how we respond to those situations.

Okay.

So instead of like pointing the finger outward, I need to look inward.

Yes.

And understand my role in the anger.

Exactly.

When you take ownership of your anger, it's like you move from feeling like a victim to feeling empowered.

Ooh, I like that.

Right?

You're no longer at the mercy of other people's actions.

Yeah.

That's a powerful shift in perspective.

Yeah.

It makes me think of that saying, you can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

I. I love that analogy.

It really captures it perfectly.

Yeah.

So how can we start taking more responsibility?

What are some practical steps we can take?

Well, a great first step is to become aware of your thought patterns.

Okay.

What are the stories you're telling yourself when you get angry?

Are you assuming the worst about other people's intentions?

Oh, yeah.

Are you catastrophizing the situation?

Ooh, catastrophizing.

That's me.

I can turn a spilled glass of milk into, like, a total meltdown in five seconds.

We all have our patterns.

But the good news is, once you become aware of those patterns, you can start to challenge them.

Okay, so instead of thinking, this is a disaster, I can't believe this is happening, I can try to reframe it to something like, okay, this is inconvenient, but I can clean it up and move on.

Exactly.

And remember, thoughts are not facts.

Just because you think something doesn't make it true.

That's a really good reminder.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own thoughts that I forget to question them.

We all do it.

But with practice, you can become more mindful of those thoughts and choose to respond in a way that aligns with your values.

Okay, so we've talked about taking responsibility for our anger and challenging those unhelpful thoughts.

Yes.

What else can we do to navigate those tricky situations where anger might rear its head?

Communication is key.

Learning to communicate your needs and boundaries assertively can prevent a lot of misunderstandings and resentment.

That can lead to anger.

That makes sense.

But assertiveness can be tough.

It's like finding that sweet spot between being passive and aggressive.

It is a skill that takes practice.

Yeah, but it's about expressing your needs and your feelings clearly and respectfully.

Right.

Without blaming or attacking the other person.

So instead of saying, you always do this, right, I can try saying something like, when this happens, I feel hurt and frustrated.

Can we talk about how to handle this differently in the future?

That's a great example.

You're owning your feelings and expressing your needs without putting the other person on the defensive.

This is so helpful.

Yeah.

I can already see how These tools can make a huge difference in my relationships.

But I have to be honest.

Sometimes, even when I try my best to manage my anger, it still feels like it just has this power over me.

It's important to remember that you're not alone in this.

You know, anger is a powerful emotion.

Yeah.

And it takes time and practice to learn how to manage it effectively.

And for those who want more support and guidance, the complete anger management System.

Good.

It's a comprehensive resource that really dives deep into all the techniques we've discussed today and more.

It includes video lessons, worksheets, exercises.

Wow.

And even a private community forum where you can connect with other people who are on the same journey.

That sounds incredible.

Where can our listeners find out more about the program?

You can visit angersecrets.com okay.

Fantastic.

We'll be sure to include that link in the show notes so everybody can easily find it.

Great.

Okay, so as we wrap up this part two of our deep Dive, let's recap those key takeaways.

Okay.

We learned about the importance of taking responsibility for our anger.

Yes.

Challenging our unhelpful thoughts and communicating assertively.

That's right.

And remember, managing anger is a journey, not a destination.

Right.

You know, there will be ups and downs, but with practice and persistence, you can gain control of your anger and create those more peaceful and fulfilling relationships.

Beautifully said.

This has been such an amazing deep dive.

I feel like I've learned so much about understanding and managing anger.

We talked about recognizing those triggers using the tension scale, practicing those relaxation techniques.

Yes.

Taking responsibility for our anger, challenging those unhelpful thoughts, communicating assertively, and changing our perspective.

It's a lot to take in.

And remember, be patient with yourself, celebrate your successes and keep learning and growing.

And for our listeners who are ready to take that next step and dive even deeper, don't forget to check out the complete anger management system on angersecrets.com.

Yes.

There's also a free training available on the website that'll give you a little taste of what the program is all about.

Awesome.

I'm so passionate about helping people break free from anger and create lives filled with peace and joy.

And to all of our amazing listeners, thank you.

Thank you for joining us on this deep dive into anger management.

Yes.

Thank you.

We hope you found it insightful and empowering.

Until next time, remember, you have the power to choose peace over anger.

You absolutely do.

That's it for today's episode.

We'll see you next time for another deep dive.

Okay.

Thanks so much for Tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management Podcast.

Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to go over a few of the key ideas Jake and Sarah shared.

First, anger starts in your body.

Long before the words come, Jake and Sarah talked about how important it is to notice your early warning signs of anger.

The tight chest, the clenched jaw, the quickened breath.

These signals aren't random, they're your body telling you that you're heading towards an angry reaction.

When you learn to catch these cues early, you give yourself the power to pause before things escalate.

Second, your thoughts can pour fuel on the fire or calm it.

So much of anger comes from the quick assumptions your mind makes, such as they don't respect me, I'm being attacked.

Here we go again.

These thoughts can take you from a 3 to an 8 in seconds.

Noticing and challenging these automatic thoughts gives you space to respond differently with clarity rather than impulse.

Third, taking space away from situations isn't avoidance, it's responsibility.

A simple pause, a step back or a moment of breathing is often the difference between a calm conversation and a blow up.

Stepping away doesn't mean you're backing down.

It means you're choosing the relationship over the reaction.

And that's a sign of strength, not weakness.

And finally, small daily habits lower your anger baseline.

Jake and Sarah highlighted how things like sleep, stress, clutter and overwhelm can push you closer to boiling point without you realizing it.

When you intentionally lower that baseline through rest routines or simple stress management practices, the small stuff stops, triggering such big responses.

Now remember, real change doesn't happen by just listening.

It happens when you start practicing even one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.

So if something today stood out to you, take it, run with it, see what shifts.

And if you'd like help putting any of these ideas into practice, just Visit my website, angasecrets.com on this site you can access my free training Breaking the Anger Cycle or book a free 30 minute anger assessment call to talk personally with me about your situation.

And if you're ready to go deeper, explore the complete Anger Management system, the proven program thousands have used to control their anger, master their emotions and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.

Okay, that's it for today's episode.

If you enjoyed this deep dive, please follow the podcast and leave a short rating and review.

It helps others discover these tools and start their own anger management journey.

And remember, you can't control what what others say or do, but you can always control what you say and do, and that's where your real power lies.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.