Episode 14: Keeping Kids at the Center: The Importance of Consistent Childcare Post-Divorce

Our guest for today's episode:

Brynn Ungerleider

babysitting so I could afford to buy CDs at the mall—talk about aging myself! What began as a fun way to earn cash soon turned into a 20+ year career in nannying and household management. I realized nannying is about providing enrichment, coaching children, and supporting families through life’s ups and downs. I help kids recognize their potential, often reminding them, ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way,’ while also guiding parents to stay grounded when challenges arise. Helping others has always been my purpose. From my first babysitting gig to working with families across the country, I’ve supported parents through both the joys and the chaos of home life. With over two decades of experience, I created this agency with career-driven mothers, divorced families, and everyone in-between in mind. Someday, I too hope the love and support I’ve given will come full circle when I juggle motherhood and my career.

Visit Brynn's website and connect with her:

Brynn's Website

Visit Brynn's Facebook Page:

Brynn's Facebook page

Summary

In this episode of the Better Than Bitter Podcast, host Tania Leichliter speaks with Brynn Ungerleider, founder of Premier Nanny Network, about navigating amicable divorce and the impact it has on children. They discuss personal experiences with divorce, the importance of communication in co-parenting, and how nannies can provide stability and support for children during this challenging time. The conversation emphasizes the need for parents to prioritize their children's emotional well-being and to foster a cooperative environment for co-parenting.

Takeaways

• Divorce can be navigated amicably with the right support.
• Children are deeply affected by their parents' divorce.
• Communication is crucial when informing children about divorce.
• Nannies can play a vital role in providing stability for children.
• It's important to avoid disparaging the other parent in front of children.
• Parents should work together to create a consistent environment for their kids.
• Healing and forgiveness are essential for parents post-divorce.
• Children need to feel loved and supported during transitions.
• Co-parenting requires effort and understanding from both parents.
• Creating a family re-envisioned can help children adjust to divorce.

Sound Bites

"Take care of yourselves during divorce."

"Communication is key in co-parenting."

"You are 50% your parents."

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Brynn and Her Journey

02:47 Navigating Divorce: Personal Experiences

13:21 The Impact of Divorce on Children

18:53 Lessons Learned from Personal Experiences

26:24 The Role of Nannies in Divorce Situations

33:48 Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts

39:24 Introduction to Amicable Divorce

40:53 Resources for Support and Growth

Keywords

amicable divorce, co-parenting, divorce communication, nanny support, child stability, divorce impact, family dynamics, divorce resolution, parenting after divorce, emotional support

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter™, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses, and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach .

On our website you'll find details and additional information on our 5-Step Gameplan multimedia course, our different types of coaching methods, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter, our private Facebook group, our Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter™, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.

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Welcome to the Better Than Bitter™ Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter™ Podcast, episode number 14. Today we are with Brynn Ungerleider, and she runs a company called Premier Nanny Network. I am so excited to have this conversation with Brynn today. She started babysitting when she...

just wanted to afford CDs at the mall. And earn cash quick. And so that earn cash quick momentum turned into a 20-year career in nannying and household management. And she just realized that nannying is more than just taking care of kids, the right nanny provides enrichment and coaching.

and supporting the families that they are servicing. that is why I have invited her on our podcast today, she places nannies with a lot of divorced couples. And with that comes a big responsibility. And she can really help those divorced couples

create consistency between the households. it's so hard to communicate between the two homes to know what's going on. But if you have one consistent nanny, and maybe that nanny is even going back and forth with the kids, well, how brilliant is that? So from her first babysitting gig to working with families around the country, she is supporting parents.

And so I am so excited to have this conversation with Brynn today. Welcome Brynn.

Thank you. I'm so excited to be here and I hope to provide sustenance and happiness for all of your audience and everyone listening. So thank you again for having me.

Yeah, so, you know, one of the most amazing things that I thought of when we first started talking is that you come from a divorced family. You come from one and you don't come from one that came with an amicable resolution. So if you don't mind sharing a little bit, what I do love about this podcast is I do have people who came from tumultuous divorces. And the fact that they are servicing divorce because they don't want

the children or they don't want personally to have that effect on children moving forward. So they have dedicated their time and energy into giving people what they did not get. So if you don't mind talking a little bit about what you had to go through as a kid giving our audience some insight on what your parents could have done better.

I think that's a great way to start. was roughly 14 when my parents separated and ultimately led to divorce. And even 23 years now, they still will not speak to one another. And it's just been a wild ride. I was not aware they were going to get a divorce. I never really picked up on anything that would have led to it. Obviously, now that I'm an adult, I've been clued in on a lot of information I wasn't privy to at 14. But I just remember it being,

happy family one night and the next night I was told that you know my parents were getting divorced and it just really smacked me in the face and I'm the youngest of three and the one thing I've really noticed and you know don't want to speak for my siblings but the one thing I noticed is that we all kind of shifted into survival mode instead of thriving and I felt like a giant shift happened for all three of us where we were just excelling and growing and just really supported and

and shifted into this, my gosh, what do need to do today? I'm in a different household. My dad ended up moving across the country with my now stepmom. And I lived in North Carolina with my mom. That's where I grew up and my family. And then they divorced and my dad moved to Portland, Oregon. So I ended up going over there with him and we would travel across the country multiple times a year to go visit my mom and go back and forth. And it just, was such a drain and it was such a shakeup in my world as a teenager.

And it really led me into a lot of self-discovery once I went into college and kind of trying to figure out how am I in the survival mode and how can I get out of it. And it's not that my parents weren't supportive or loving or kind. Our family was such a rock before and it kind of shifted everybody into being all over the place, you we went from being a really hardcore team to being every man for themselves, it felt like. And it really,

pushed me to evaluate who I am, what I want to contribute to the world, and it really created a space for me in my nannying career to want to help families that were either going through divorce or talking about divorce because of my experience. And to anybody listening out there who's contemplating going into divorce or thinking about moving forward, I just want you to know that there's no right way to tell your children.

No matter what you do, it's still going to offer changes into their world that they're not really going to know what to do with and just hold on to that when you go through this process. That's one thing I talked to a lot of parents about. There's no perfect way to tell your children you're going to be getting divorced. So just remember to take care of yourselves.

Yeah, I know. You know, I didn't realize we actually had some additional similarities in our story because my father also moved to cross country and my mother lived in Connecticut. I was an only child and my father moved to Colorado and very similar to you, my...

parents seem like they had a great marriage. You know, they did things together. My mother had this kind of arts and crafts business that they would go to crafts fairs and my dad would do all the woodworking and she'd do all the painting and the decorating. And everybody in our extended family thought this was like a match made in heaven. And then one day,

It wasn't. And my father had gotten a job opportunity to move to Colorado and my mother decided not to go. And so my dad took the job anyway. And so interestingly enough, the difference between where you felt like your life was in shambles, I thought that this was the greatest thing ever.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

because none of my friends had ever been on an airplane. None of my friends got to ski in Vail, Colorado. none of my friends had different states that they were able to live in. So my parents must have done something that changed my mindset about the experience. Either that or I was who I am today and just a positivist and just.

looked at the glass half full and having gratitude for what I did have versus what I didn't have. And so maybe there was some light that was just shined on me, but we do have that in common and the going back and forth.

most people can't just take off and move to a new state anymore when you get divorced. Like it's not as easy when I was growing up or sounds like when you were growing up, like people just can't do that now. It's very hard to leave the state. So that's super interesting. So tell me a little bit more about that experience.

of living in a different state and with now your dad has another woman in his life.

So the interaction with my stepmom in the beginning was not great for everyone all around. I think that there was a lot of emotional turmoil that my mother was experiencing with the loss of an entire family that she had put together as a stay-at-home mom. And my father is in very high profession, very well known and very prestigious. I think that

leading into that transition could have definitely been handled better. I do wish that there was a little bit more of an opportunity to have a conversation about introducing a new woman into our lives. It wasn't a smooth transition. There were a lot of fights, a lot of pushback, especially as a 14-year-old girl trying to find myself and now having some woman telling me that I'm grounded.

that I had never been grounded before and it was because I had gone from a friend's house in a neighborhood to another friend's house, which I did all the time in North Carolina, but I had no idea that was a new rule. for me, it was a whole different household, a whole different set of rules, and I think that that really weighed on myself in a lot of ways and really made me kind of hate myself because I wasn't the good kid that I had always been and it wasn't that I wasn't being good, it's just

I had all of these new requirements and restrictions that were not really well communicated to me. I do have stepbrothers. I don't really speak to them very often. it just wasn't really a situation that contributed to having a very strong cohesive adjustment for all of us. And I think that it's always easy to look back and go, we could have done this differently or this differently.

And you know, that's something that'll never happen, but for anybody out there that is contemplating divorce and introducing somebody new to your kids, I just suggest to kind of give it time. I mean, if you're going to be together the rest of your lives, what's the rush? Make sure your kids are feeling okay about the divorce before you go, hey, here's somebody new that's going to be telling you what to do. you know, because of my father's career and everything that he does, if you're listening, I love you, dad. I think that she kind of

took over the reins of the household to kind of be present since she wasn't as in a demanding position as him. And I think that that was a really big opportunity for a lot of power struggles, especially because, my mom couldn't be there and she was going through her own things and, and realizing and mourning and grieving the loss of her whole entire family.

There's always a good in every situation. I moved out there with the idea of getting my license sooner, whereas in North Carolina it was going to kind of be delayed based on getting my permit. And I really wanted to drive. living with my dad and his house in Oregon, there was a pool and it was a great place. I could go to public school. I was in a private school in North Carolina. I was ready for an adventure. And I was ready to take on shifting and moving across the country to kind of see what would be offered.

And I think it was good and bad, just like every situation that we come across in life. I think that the involvement of my stepmom, although she was probably trying her best, I think that it could have been handled in such a better way and allowing my dad to be the parent instead of trying to be that parent and not really knowing us, our history, how we had been raised.

You know, there were conversations putting my mother down because she really struggled with the loss of everything. I mean, I could only imagine now that I'm an adult, how hard it was for her to have a bustling, chaotic household with children and activities and errands and cooking dinners to silence and being in a home by herself that she, you know, she had to basically get rid of all of our entire childhood and move the house because my dad had already moved on. And I think there was a lot of heartbreak there.

It's unfortunate that it happened, but it did turn me into the woman I am today, and I'm grateful for that. I think that now that we're all older and it's been, you know, over 23 years, we are all finding our way with the relationships and what we want from them and trying to find a way to be a family. But unfortunately, there are two factions of my family. There's my dad's family and there's my mom's family. You know, we do family beach trips and my mom goes to those. And if we were to ever invite my dad, I don't think my mom would come.

You know, my sister got married and it was very awkward to have both parents at the wedding because they just won't speak to one another. There's so much heartache and so much heartbreak there and it was very tumultuous even now, after all this time, I do know that we hope that they will find a way to at least speak to one another and maybe work through what happened and find common ground because you know, there's grandbabies and

maybe there'll be more grandbabies. And so it's just kind of like for anybody listening, even though you are getting divorced if you have children together, you're gonna be talking to them for the rest of your lives. I'm sorry to say, but you're not gonna just divorce your ex and move on with your life and never have to interact with them again. And, you know, I'm the product of that as well. You know, I've seen it and I have to, you know, work around it. We do wish our parents could be together and...

enjoy vacations with us and just find that common ground like other parents have been able to do, but unfortunately, that's just not the case for us.

So you've said so many things that now I want to address in terms of like, okay, let's get our audience on the right page. Let's get our audience learn from what they're hearing. And one of the things I'm gonna pick up on just because I had the podcast in episode 13 with my stepmom and how she effectively navigated being the other mom. And if the listeners listen to it,

Mm-hmm.

she was very communicative with my mother. because they were putting me first, right? So yeah, it might have created discomfort at the beginning, the new woman in his life. But at the end of the day, the most important thing was me as the child. And that...

Yeah.

my mother and my stepmother were able to just put everything else aside and say, okay, we're going to raise this child together. And my stepmother was an organizational management consultant. She was all about change management, and transitions. so she was coming with a skillset, right? But what she said was that she was never the mother in terms of making the rules. She wanted to know what the rules were.

Yes.

you know, at my mother's house. And then sometimes my mother would call her when she was getting stumbling on decision making. Should I let Tania do this? Should I let her do that? I don't know how to go about like finding out what all the other mothers are doing, you know, and she would call my stepmother just because she needed a sounding board. So for our listeners out there,

I want them to listen to your story. And the story is that like, yeah, your mother had healing to do. And that was, she needed space, she needed time, but moving.

on in your life post-divorce without having that level of forgiveness and it's not forgiveness of the acts of the other person. It's forgiveness of self so you can relieve yourself of the burden of resentment and anger because the only person that's going to suffer if you hold on to that is you. The only person suffering

True.

through that process was your mom. She held on to that. And because she was suffering and had no ability to have that relationship with your father and his new wife, that the other people that suffered were the children, right? But it stemmed from

your mom's inability to forgive. And I said not to forgive him, but to have a level of forgiveness to lift that burden off of her own shoulders. So I want to tell all of our listeners if you do one thing,

make sure that you work on getting to that place of forgiveness because it's not the other woman's fault or it's not the other man's fault, right? It is your ex's decision-making to have other people in their lives. And there are other people that could say like, sorry, I don't want to be with you because you're married. But at the end of the day, it's the spouse who's making those bigger decisions.

and so having that level of anger towards the new person is really just gonna sit with you forever. I know that my mother-in-law, my ex-husband's mother at her daughter's, shower, we were taking a walk and she was bashing her ex-husband, who had been her ex-husband for 35 years. And I looked at her and I was like, let it go.

Yes.

You've

been happily married for 35 years! why are you holding onto so much anger?

and resentment the other thing that I want to encourage that I heard you say is that her family is done. Her family is over. It is not

And so, granted, it needs to be the right time in terms of a quiet place and people need to be sitting down and you need to allow it to not send them off to school in the morning. You need that in terms of an actual time of day. Those are things. But like it's the hardest thing you'll ever deliver.

If you can make sure when you deliver that message that you are telling your children how much you love them, how much both of you love them, and that you're going to continue to love them the same and it wasn't their fault. There's nothing that they did that caused, you know, their parents to want to get divorced. And that...

Said to my kids. I said this is not the end of our family It is just a family re-envisioned and I want to say that again. And I know my 16 year old at the time was like, God mom, like she couldn't like it just sounded so corny to her but it's exactly what we are we are a family re-envisioned and if you can push aside that feeling of being wronged or Like somebody did something bad to you

you,

life doesn't happen to you. It happens for you. And what you do moving your life forward. And it sounds like I want to learn from you because you just said like, you came to that place. Did you not? came to that place. You said that experience made me who I am today. So let's talk about that.

Yes.

Absolutely. mean, was always an interesting, you know, looking back on it. I've had many interesting conversations with my dad and stepmom that really, you know, pushed me to figure out who I want to be as a person and how I want to treat people. And, you know, now that I'm an adult, I've dated men with kids and, you know, have had opportunities to potentially be a stepmom. And I remember looking back and going, I have so many examples of how I don't want to be.

of how I choose not to move forward if this becomes more than just casual dating and having a great time. And I'm really grateful for all the experiences, just, you know, good and bad. I think we can all sit and share that. And I think that, you know, moving forward, I hope that whatever I contribute to families and children in the world, it shows that, you know, there's somebody out here that's genuine and I do care. And after everything that I've been through, I, I

really resonate and hear a lot of children that I've talked to personally through nannying that are just really struggling with the decisions and choices that were made by their parents. And it's not that they weren't accepting of it or they felt like they were not being put first. was just, I think change is just really difficult for a lot of people that are not aware that it's coming. And as a kid, you don't expect that. know, my dad picked me up from a field hockey meeting. I was voted.

MVP of my team and team captain and I was on cloud nine I couldn't wait to get in the car and tell him and I hopped in and he was on the phone with someone because, you know again with his business and who he is it's pretty standard and I could tell it was something about you know lawyers and legal and stuff like that and he got off the phone I was like you know what's going on everything okay he's like yeah your mom just wants a divorce that was her lawyer that's how I was told I wasn't a sit-down it wasn't a

a family meeting. It wasn't anything like that. then, you know, moving forward and fast-forwarding to my move across the country, my brother and I were at my dad's house with my stepmom and we were presented with a contract from her on how we were to behave and how we were to present ourselves, our rooms, our spaces. And if we didn't sign the contract, we couldn't live there.

And, you know, it was kind of a catch-22 for us because we knew that our mom was not capable at the time of being with us because of the devastation of this entire situation. wasn't a, you know, my parents separated and, you know, time went by before my dad and my stepmom got together. To me,

Looking back on it, my parents separated in the state of North Carolina. You have to separate for a year before you can legally become divorced. And within a couple of months, he had met my stepmom and was rushing my mom through the divorce. So it was a very, very tumultuous time. And especially on top of being a teenage girl, it was life shattering in so many ways to be trying to figure out who I am and be.

among my peers and not be weird or stand out in a way and kind of fit in, but also having to experience this background noise, if you will, of just insane change that I just didn't know what to do with at the time. And I think looking back on it, you know, there were so many experiences that I had dealing with my mom who was really heartbroken in dealing with my dad who was, you know, happy and in love.

And just kind of seeing that entire process go down that really made me become very tough and very mentally strong. Because on many occasions I really did feel alone, even if I was in a bustling household with step-siblings and a stepmom around. And my brother was there, my sister had already gone to college. But at this time I just remember being put in situations and having conversations that I just felt like were.

not only unfair to be coming from someone who didn't know our family, who didn't really know me, to being pushed to grow in places that I really felt like I needed more time to figure out who I was, if that makes sense.

So I do wanna make one big no-no to all of our listeners. Do not tell your kid in the car when she comes in from having a field hockey meeting that you're gonna divorce.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

You know, I coach a lot of parents and I also have getting divorced. And I do hear lots of different stories on how people communicate with their children. And I do believe that you need to build the strength and courage to do it in partnership with your soon-to-be ex. And I really highly encourage everybody to do that.

I have heard individuals say that they have individually had conversations with their children and they didn't come forward in a unified front to deliver the message that had been thought through, and written out, because kids not only need to know when you're telling them that you're getting divorced, but they need to know at least for the immediate future.

What does that mean for them? So the communication is, your mother and I, your father and I have decided and it's been a very difficult decision that we are going to get divorced. we love you guys so much and we will do anything to make sure that this transition is as good as it can be.

and that it has nothing to do with anything that any of you have done. And the second part of that conversation is at this point, mom and dad will continue to live under the same roof for X amount of months. Or at this point on Friday, dad is gonna be moving to cousin Joe's house.

For you guys, for all of you, you are going to be staying in this house for the next three months, you will stay in the house while dad or mom is getting situated in an illicit. You need to have a very clear and concise plan before you communicate it to the kids. It doesn't need to be the custody, you know, and parenting plan that's going to go into your divorce agreement.

It's just going to be what is happening in the more immediate future while you are communicating it out. And how you can lean on a nanny is that if there is a separate household, stay consistent with your childcare. So let's talk about that. Because I talk a lot in a lot of my coaching and in my course about

creating social stories for younger kids, meaning that even having it drawn out, little stick figures or on a blackboard, this is where you're going this week and being able to show the kids very visibly.

what the plan is. And if Brynn as their babysitter that they've been, they've had all their lives and they're so connected to is going to move back and forth with them to these homes, it creates stability. So let's talk a little bit more about, you know, how you train your nannies, how you talk about consistency, even if it is not

the nanny moving back and forth between homes, but maybe you're just in one home and what you have been doing well in training your nannies to be a communicator to each of the different parents.

So I think a lot of my growing into the woman that I am today comes back full circle to being a nanny to so many children who were experiencing inner turmoil like I did. I grew into a career unknowingly, you know, started out buying CDs to becoming a consistent, supportive, loving, empathetic, wonderful person to just be around children that are

navigating either loss of a parent or divorce living in separate households, know, tumultuous relationships between their parents and in that aspect, you know, there are several instances where my involvement as a nanny and floating between households was truly beneficial for everyone and primarily the children. You know, for one example, I nannied for a family that was very much similar to my parents. They did not speak to each other and when they did, it was very, very ugly and it just

you could tell that it just really weighed on the kids and they didn't really want to interact with their parents when they had been interacting with one another. And their son left their soccer cleats at their dad's house and he had a big game that day. And, you know, I offered to come in a little bit earlier and I contacted the ex-husband and they just said, hey, know, so and so your son left his cleats. I don't know if you're okay with your ex-wife going over there, but I'm going to assume you're not. And I was wondering if it'd be okay if I stopped by and grabbed those cleats on my way to the soccer game to pick him up for his game. And of course, it was,

Yes, I don't want her at my house. I would much rather you go over there. I went, and I grabbed the cleats. What could have been an insane afternoon and chaotic and just ugly communication between parents was quickly squashed by my ability to float between the households. And at the time I would spend a week at the mom's house with her routine, her schedule, her rules. And then I'd follow the kids and, and, know, be at her ex-husband's house and follow his routine and his rules and

I think as long as you are offering consistency between both households, you're going to be setting yourself up for so much more success with or without a nanny, but a nanny is going to be that consistent, stable resource for your children. As another example, there was a child that I was nannying that was acting out at school, just hitting and kicking and biting kids in his class, and nobody for the life of them could figure out what's going on. The doctor said he was healthy. He pulled back the sugar and kind of...

dawned on me one day that he just really wasn't doing well with the different rules in each household. And I realized, you know, it didn't take me very long, that the dad was putting him to bed at, you know, 930 at night, whereas at his mom's house, like he's getting ready for bed at seven, in bed at 730, asleep and lights out at eight. And so I could see that very big difference in just that piece of his routine that was contributing to that behavior causing him to act out. And so...

You know, one of the big things about being a nanny is having those conversations with parents of, I'm noticing this is what's happening with your child. This is my recommendation. I'm happy to talk with both of you. Or if you just talk with one parent, this is what I would recommend doing. I think you may need to be putting your son on a schedule that's similar to your ex's schedule. And you know, there's always that little bit of, no, I don't, my house is fine.

I don't know what you're talking about, but you know, eventually, they come around because they realize, yes, my son is acting out and I am realizing this is really hard, especially when you're scheduled to leave at 8 30 and he's still up and wired because I can't get him to bed till 9:30. And so we made that adjustment at the dad's house. The behavior went away at school. We started paying attention and treating his classmates better. And it's just like that little tiny piece right there that really contributed to having a more homeostasis family dynamic between the households.

even though the families really, you know, the parents really didn't work well together. And so the other really great benefit of those of you that are going through divorce, you know, you can share the nanny and it kind of lowers your expenses as well. So each of you can pay for your nanny. You don't have to pay your ex to pay the nanny. You can each have that responsibility and make sure you take care of the person that's taking care of your household and your kids. And then in terms of training, you know,

A lot of my network and those I've communicated and contacted with over the last 20 years, we're all professionals in this area. Just like you'd hire a CPA to do your taxes, you hire a doctor to help you with your health, there are people out here known as nannies and household managers that this is what we were born to do.

we were born to help you with your kids because this is what we love to do. whether we have a teaching background or a daycare background or like myself, where we've just been a nanny our entire lives, we come from many years of experience. And, you know, I am putting together a training program just for a divorce nanny certification right now, just to kind of teach nannies around the country that this is an option.

to become more prepared and have more tools in their belt, if you will, to handle such difficult conversations of being that neutral party between parents and not getting sucked into he said, she said, or I'm the better parent, or they're doing this wrong, those kinds of things, and just really focusing on the kids. And as nannies, if any of you are listening, I know that many of you could probably support me in this statement that a lot of your children

a lot of these family's children are confiding in us. They're talking to us about really big feelings and really big things that they are kind of too scared to talk to you about. I had a little girl, I used to take her family's dogs on walks and she would join me every now and then. There was one walk in particular, she opened up to me and said, I'm just so sad about what's happening and my parents divorcing. But anytime I wanna go talk to my mom, she's so angry and then she's so mad and she just talks horribly about my dad.

then I feel bad because those things she's talking about my dad, those are things that I do. These are things that I also, you know, I may not be, you know, an adult man, but also like I find myself sometimes maybe not sharing all of the truth like my dad does or whatever, you know, she said in the time. But the point is, is she, she came to me and said, I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to navigate this.

what do I do? And I just remember listening and going, you know, hey, so and so, I'm so grateful that you felt comfortable talking with me. I think the next best step would be to either talk with your mom and I'm happy to be present, or let's talk to both of your parents and I'm also happy to be present. And to kind of end that story in a very quick manner, you know, we were able to sit down with her mom and I remember she was sitting there kind of shaking at the, you know, kitchen table.

And I said you don't have to be scared. This is your mom. Nobody loves you more in their life than your mom and your dad. And she finally was able to kind of open up and say, I just don't feel comfortable. I wish you would stop talking bad about my dad. I really want to find a way for us all to get along. Maybe we can have one night a week where we try and have dinner together or on holidays, maybe we can have dinner, those kinds of things. And she reached out to me not too long ago to say thank you. She's in college now.

She's just like, thank you so much for having that conversation with me and my parents. She still thinks of it to this day. So those are a few examples of how I, as a nanny, infiltrated homes of divorce and my contributions. And it's not just me. There are so many of us out here who are happy and willing to help because this is what we were born to do.

wow, there's so much packed into that story that you just said. And I'm going to reflect on this now, this is the third person that I have interviewed who has said something similar. And you told it in a story, but I'm gonna remind our listeners that when you disparage your ex and you tell your children that they are bad, that your ex is bad, you have to remember.

that they are 50 % you and 50 % of them. This is the third interview that I have done, and I have had a guest say exactly that. The child that you love dearly when you disparage their father or disparage their mother.

you are basically telling them they are 50 % bad because they are 50 % of that individual. And you just told the most beautiful story of that in an actual dialogue that you had with a child. That is what is going through their minds. So again, if you get one thing out of this, do not disparage your to-be-ex or your ex to your children.

Yes.

Yeah.

Those are adult problems and adult thoughts, and they do not have any place in your children's heads. It is, you know, they only need to know how much you love them, how much their father loves them. Yeah, you might not be 100 % on the same page with the way you parent or the way that you approach parenting, but it doesn't mean that this child needs to view their other parent as bad.

You know, that moves into something called alienation where it gets so bad that the child doesn't even want to spend any time with the other spouse. And again,

I'm gonna say it frankly, that's a very selfish thing to do. If you are practicing alienation because you believe it makes you feel better for them not to like their other parent, that is a purely selfish move on your part. I'm gonna be firm on that because the children deserve to be able to feel free to love their parents equally.

So I really loved this conversation. What you are providing at the Premier Nanny Network is so incredible. And if more parents, and I know people don't all have the financial means to have childcare at that level.

But if you do and you are looking, I definitely would suggest you look up from your nanny network because having a very professional nanny working with you and your children. And again, they can also help create some peace between the households, even between you. So you can get to that point where you can have that family dinner or maybe experience a holiday because maybe the communication channels are really blocked and you're not feeling

good about how you communicate together, but you really can communicate through another individual when it comes to the children and they can help you create that consistency.

So here are the three top tips from our episode today with Brynn. Number one, do not disparage your soon-to-be ex or ex. Your children recognize that they are 50 % you and 50 % their other parent. By disparaging them, they will believe that they are 50 % of that. If you are communicating that your ex or soon-to-be ex,

is bad or does bad things, as soon as they correlate maybe some of those same similarities in their own personalities or maybe in their actions, they immediately are going to believe that you believe that they are bad. Number two, don't communicate divorce solo. If you and your spouse are deciding to get divorced, make it a conscious effort to have a time, a place,

work on a script, develop who is going to say what, and make sure when you deliver the message, your children know how much you love them. And not only that, but that you would do anything for them and it wasn't their fault. And make sure that you have outlined a temporary plan so they know very specifically on how this is going to affect them in the near future. The third tip.

is about childcare. Brynn has made it very clear that if you are going to be in need of childcare, either currently or when you get divorced, try to find a childcare provider that can work with both parents and be supportive towards those children. Having a rock in their life like a childcare provider that will go between homes with them

only can create more stability and allow them to feel more love all around.

Thank you so much, Brynn. I really enjoyed this conversation.

Yes.

And I hope that everybody checks out Premier Nanny Network. We are gonna have all of the information about Brynn and her company in the show notes. So make sure you go and check those out and look forward to another session.

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter™, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses,

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At Better Than Bitter™, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.