How do you decide when it’s time to stop a practice or commitment you’ve made? Today’s episode looks at signs it might be time and how to stop when the idea makes you uncomfortable. Plus, an update about the podcast.

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I still remember how I felt when I saw her message

telling me she needed to stop doing our weekly check ins.

Honestly, it was pure relief.

I thought, this is great. I have been wanting to stop these

check ins for a while now, but I never did anything about it. And

in that moment I realized she did the thing I've been

wanting to do but didn't. I just kept going because

I kind of felt like I should. And now on this podcast I talk

a lot about finding momentum for things that matter, like

establishing consistent practices to help you to reach a goal.

The focus is on taking action and following through,

but it's also important to know when it's time to stop

and then actually stop. This might look

small, like a decision to just stop it with time blocking,

because it's never really quite worked for you. Or it could be slightly

bigger, like ending a recurring practice, like

stopping attending a class twice a week at 5pm because even though

you like the class, it just creates a lot of stress for you to get

there on time. It could also be

making a major decision in your life, like to stop pursuing

a career you've already invested years into.

Now, today I'm focusing mainly on these recurring practices

or commitments that you've made and looking at signs that it

might be time to consider stopping and what are some

options that you can stop with confidence. I will also

be sharing an update about this podcast.

Now first, let's acknowledge that for many people,

stopping something that we've committed to can can be difficult.

What if stopping turns out to be a big mistake?

What if this impacts how people see me or how I

even see myself? Like, am I someone who doesn't follow through on their commitments?

Am I a quitter? Am I being selfish for just

deciding to stop because that's what I need and it's not for others?

The other thing is, what if this damages relationships? If I'm not the only

person involved here, maybe I'll feel really guilty for

stopping. Now I want you to remember that word guilty, because

we're going to come back to that word in a little while.

Now, it's also difficult to stop when we are getting

some value out of what we're doing. And

so all of these taken together, I know that this is not as easy as

just saying decide to stop and stop. So first, order some

signs to look for. Well, here are the ones that I use in my

life and the first question is always, am I

feeling any resentment? So leading

up to the thing I have to do, I might feel some dread

during the thing, I might feel restless, I might feel

irritated. And then afterwards, I'm usually relieved that, ugh, this

is over. It's just overall a really negative energy

that is going on. And that also goes to my next sign,

which is just looking at, does this drain me? Does it

deplete me? How do I actually feel afterwards? Do I

feel like it's just another thing I just have to get through to the end

of it? And then afterwards just kind of wish I didn't have to deal with

that? And the other sign is, how do you

feel when you imagine letting go? And there

are actually, I think there are two ways to do this. The first way is

to imagine that you decide to stop. But the second way that

sometimes is more helpful is imagining that the decision is

made for you. You actually have no say in this. It just ends. Let's say

tomorrow you just found out this is no longer a thing. How would that

make you feel? And I recommend those two different ways because

sometimes if you imagine saying no, it can actually stress you

out a little bit. But when it's decided on your behalf,

it can sort of separate you from this idea of guilt. And

remember, going to come back to that word soon. So

now how do you feel with that imaginary scenario?

A really good sign that it might be time to stop is when

you feel lighter, calmer, or like you can just

exhale, you can finally take a breath.

Before we move on, I do actually want to note that there are

things in our lives that might feel difficult, they might

feel challenging, but we don't

actually want to stop doing them because they do have benefit.

A perfect example of this is exercising. Exercising is

inherently something that challenges us and it makes us

stronger, it makes us better. But you might feel a little bit of a sense

of dread leading up to it. You might want to put it off,

but at the end of it, you feel like, okay, I've done something good. And

there is that feeling satisfaction. Now, if we keep going on

this exercise example, there are times

where you need to discern, is this simply just challenging,

or should you actually stop or change course?

So just simply having to drag yourself to the gym, but at the end you

feel good about it, well, then that's something you keep doing. But

if you dread it to the point where you're feeling a lot of resentment, it's

affecting your mood irritability, then it's worth questioning

whether there might be another option where you get the same or similar

benefit. For example, did you pay for an all access

pass to a studio that you realize this is a terrible fit. And I feel

trapped in this. So every time you go, you are

feeling all of this pent up resentment, you're feeling trapped and that

whole negative energy. Or maybe you signed up to work with a

trainer who's just a really bad fit and so you

hate going, you hate spending that time together, but you feel like you're locked in

and you don't want to stop. Or are you choosing a type of

workout that's just leaving you so depleted that it's having negative impacts on

other parts of your life? So you do want to look carefully at

the overall impact so you can figure out if

it's simply challenging or if it's genuinely a bad fit.

Okay, so now that we've talked about signs

that it is time to consider stopping,

what's next? Well, first, if, if

the option to stop is obvious

and easy to do, well, then stop. Give yourself

permission to say, I am stopping this. But if it's

not obvious so you're not 100% sure if it's the right choice

or it's not easy to stop, well, then

I want you to consider a few options. So the first option

you might choose is just, is there a way to pause

for a set time period? This is a really good option to

evaluate is something worth keeping the

intention with. This option is actually to return to it. But

the goal of the pause is to find out what does life look like?

How do I feel if I am away from this for a while?

This might be a little more difficult if it's external, meaning someone else

has coordinated or you've committed to something. But you can ask

yourself, what would I do if I genuinely had to step away for a

while? Whether that's maybe a planned trip or vacation, a conference,

or if you had something unforeseen pop up and you had to step

away, what would that look like? How would you communicate it? And that can

sort of inform what this option could look like. The second

option is can you stop for now? This is

more of an indefinite pause, but. But it's reversible.

So unlike the first option, your intention here is to stop.

You're pretty sure stopping is the right choice, but you kind of leave the door

open to return to it. This can be good for you and

it can also feel a little more comfortable when you are communicating that

the door is open. Potentially another option

you may want to consider, and this is very rare by the way, it's an

uncommon choice and it's also not an option for everyone. But

this would be to stop everything for a while. I would call

this kind of the nuclear option, where in some cases, though

it is useful, and I say it's useful because it is a

clean slate. You only add back what is

good for you. And there are times in your life where this might

actually be forced upon us like a medical reason that you have

to stop everything, or unforeseen circumstances that pop up where

suddenly everything has to pause. And what this

does is it actually makes it easier for you to say no to things and

for you to stop things because you are stopping everything during

that time period. Now, I said this is rare. This is not necessarily an

option for everyone. But there have been a couple occasions in my life where that

has happened, where I have had to say no to everything.

And it really gives me an opportunity to look hard at what I am

saying yes to and what I'm not and to only add back those, the things

that I really should keep. And sometimes I returned to

something after that break and it was very clear as soon as I returned

of, oh no, I thought this was okay, but it's really not okay

now. Once you have an idea of which option, then

it is up to you to follow through on this choice. If

it's your own internal practice, that's a lot easier because you can

stop doing what you've been doing and you aren't required to

communicate it to anyone. You don't, you don't really have to tell anyone. Maybe

it'll make sense if there are people in your household or someone

else who might wonder what's going on. You can communicate it, but you don't

really have to. But if, however,

stopping requires that you communicate the change, this is where

a lot of people hesitate and they might stick

with something longer, even though they know they should stop.

Like the experience I shared at the top of this episode. I knew

I wanted to stop this weekly check in. But I kept going,

going until someone else made the decision for me. You see, in

the early years of starting my business, there was a

small group of entrepreneurs that we got together and we decided that we

were going to do these weekly check ins to help stay accountable. It lasted

a few years and over time, a few folks would sort of come and

go and there were always at least three of us.

And eventually there were signs that

I wanted this to stop, but the idea of

stopping it just genuinely made me feel uncomfortable. When I

imagined telling others that I wanted to stop the check ins,

I felt guilty. Or

that's What I thought it was, turns out I was wrong.

Early last year, I came across advice from

Dr. Becky Kennedy. So she works a lot with parents

and she said that so many people use the word guilt wrong.

So what guilt actually is, it's when

you have a negative feeling that you get because you

act out of alignment with your values. You did something

wrong that you actually feel was the wrong thing to do and you

feel bad and guilty about it. That is what guilt is.

What guilt is not, is the negative feeling we get

when someone else is disappointed or

upset with our choices, even when those

actions are in alignment with our values. And

this was a huge distinction for me of understanding the

difference. Wanting to stop something that is no longer

serving you, that's acting in alignment, you're not

doing anything wrong. And if your choice to

stop causes another person to feel disappointment, that

might feel bad, but it's not guilt. Your

choice to stop isn't wrong. Now

maybe the way you communicated that you were stopping, that might have

actually felt a little wrong. Like if you were to ghost a person completely so

that you didn't have to have an awkward conversation, maybe you'll feel some guilt about

that because that's not how you wish you had handled it. That is a

true example of guilt. And it's not necessarily easy to

communicate that you're stopping if someone else is involved, as I

experienced myself, of just feeling this dread of not wanting to say

that I wanted to end this thing. Turns out someone else had the exact same

feeling and they were just the first one to say it. So if you

take that definition of guilt and you look at what's happening when

you don't stop, even when it's the right call,

that that's acting out of alignment. When I knew I wanted to

stop the check ins, but I stuck with it so that I didn't

disappoint other people. I convinced myself I

was doing the right thing, when in fact I was

simply avoiding the discomfort that could happen if I

actually said the truth. So ironically, avoiding

the discomfort of saying I want to leave just left

me with the discomfort of being stuck and resentful

of this practice that used to serve me but doesn't anymore.

I may have convinced myself that it was the noble thing

to do, the selfless thing to do, to keep going, because it's for the best

of the group. But really I was just afraid of the

consequences if I left and said it. Also,

if I were in a group where one person feels

trapped, obligated or resentful,

I wouldn't want to stick with it or have them stick with

it. For the group, that's actually a really negative experience and

it's probably going to eventually seep through all this to

say it is not always easy to stop something

when other people are involved. Your decision might

disappoint someone, but there is some

freedom on the other side of that temporary discomfort.

And it is temporary. You and everyone else

will move on. Plus, everyone else is so worried

about their own stuff most of the time they don't really think about you.

It is important to remember that sometimes a pause

is enough to want us to or to give us that

chance to see do we want to keep something in our life.

And sometimes we do and we just needed a little bit of break

or step away. Breaks are actually really natural and they can be really, really

healthy. Now that brings me to my podcast update.

No, I'm not stopping the podcast, but I do have some

genuine timing conflicts over the next couple of months that make it

really difficult for me to maintain my live

recording schedule. And honestly, recording live is what works really well for

me. So I've made the deliberate choice to pause

the podcast for around two months, with some

refraining from some folks at last week's livestream when

I was recording. I'm choosing to treat it like a podcast

that has seasons, where there is a natural break between

seasons. And this is the end of season one and I will be

back again for season two. And until

then, remember that finding lasting momentum in one

area of your life may mean stopping something

else in another area. Whether it's draining your energy,

taking up valuable time, or just simply no longer serving you,

making the decision intentionally to stop something

can free you up to do more of what really matters.