Shownotes
Stop saying “GOD JOB!” to your child! Here’s why that kind of praise might actually be hurting kids' confidence.
For years, research has shown that the way we praise our children shapes how they perceive themselves — and it can make or break their self-confidence. Empty praise can limit a child’s growth mindset, while small shifts in our words can help them build confidence that truly lasts.
As Montessori educator Mark W. Berger reminds us, children don’t need our approval — they need the space to discover their own mastery. In this episode, you’ll learn what really happens in a child’s mind when they’re praised for effort instead of results, and hear real examples of what to say instead to nurture independence and pride.
So, if you ever wondered why Montessori parents don’t say “Good job,” tune in and discover how shifting from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset changes the way you praise — and how it can transform your child’s confidence from the inside out.
5 Key Takeaways:
1️⃣ Praise isn’t always helpful. Saying “Good job!” shifts focus from a child’s effort to our approval, teaching them to seek validation instead of self-motivation.
2️⃣ Confidence comes from competence. Real confidence is built when children experience mastery through doing, not from constant praise or applause.
3️⃣ The brain rewards progress, not praise. Dopamine spikes when kids overcome challenges—not when they’re told they did well.
4️⃣ Montessori wisdom matters. As Mark W. Berger reminds us, children don’t need more praise—they need more practice, space, and trust to discover their own mastery.
5️⃣ Shift your words, shift their mindset. Replace “Good job!” with phrases that notice effort and independence—like “You kept trying!” or “You did it all by yourself.”
Timestamps
00:00 Why “Good Job” Isn’t the Praise You Think It Is
00:48 The Real Problem With Praise and Approval
01:26 Welcome to The Anya Garcia Show
02:05 From Courtrooms to Conscious Parenting
03:02 Why Confidence Comes From Competence
03:58 The Science of Praise and Motivation
04:45 Montessori Wisdom From Mark W. Berger
05:42 Adrian’s Story and a Moment of Mastery
06:32 What to Say Instead of “Good Job”
07:18 Final Thoughts and Parenting Takeaway
Resources & Links
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📚 Research & Sources Mentioned
- Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
- Berger, M. W. – Montessori Educator Insights on Intrinsic Motivation and Mastery.
- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior. Springer.
- Montessori, M. (1967). The Absorbent Mind. Holt, Rinehart, and Winston.
- Neuroscience of Motivation: Dopamine and Reward Pathways – National Institutes of Health (NIH).
- American Psychological Association (APA). “The Effects of Praise on Children’s Motivation and Mindset.”
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Transcripts
Ever had your child look up at you after building something, drawing something, or just tying their shoes? Eyes wide, like they're asking, "Did I do it right?" That look, that's not pride. That's them checking if they got it right in your eyes, if they're enough.
And that's exactly why we need to stop saying "Good job," because it puts the spotlight on us, like we're these supreme judges of what's good or not, while pulling the focus away from them, from their effort, their curiosity, their growth.
Because true confidence comes from competence, not compliments. Self-esteem comes from mastering skills, not from external validation.
Confidence doesn't come from constant applause, but from real achievements, big or small.
Confidence is built when children see for themselves, "I can do this," or "Help me do it myself," rather than relying on outside approval.
Hey, my friend, and welcome to the Anya Garcia Show. Here we will explore the science of learning, the art of parenting, and the mindset shifts that help you simplify your journey to amplify your growth. You see, I thought I would find purpose in courtrooms until motherhood showed me it was waiting at home. So I traded my attorney briefcase for the beauty of homeschooling, depositions for diapers, and settlements for sensory play. I stepped off the legal path so that I can walk it with you, because parenting doesn't come with a manual or legal briefs.
So no wonder it can feel overwhelming and messy. But I see you showing up every day, even when no one is watching. And that little voice, "Am I doing enough?" I hear it, too. But here is the truth. You don't need more to be enough, because more doesn't create peace.
Alignment does. Progress matters more than perfection. And when you stop doubting, you start leading with confidence. And before you know it, you have created a space where you and your child thrive.
Because humans are born with this natural desire to learn and grow, and I am here to help you harness that. Your child's potential is limitless, and so is yours. We just need to unlock it.
Here is the thing. How often do we accidentally teach them to seek that approval? Do you catch yourself saying "Good job" all the time? It's so natural, isn't it?
We want to encourage our kids, celebrate their wins, and let them know we are proud. But here is the caution: too much praise, especially when it's vague, cliché, or overused, can lose its power.
Instead of fueling intrinsic motivation, it shifts their focus from the joy of accomplishment to seeking our approval.
Over time, they start working for that pat on the back instead of the quiet pride that rises from within from mastering the skill. You see, when your little one finally figures out how to tie their shoelace, pour their own water, or fit that last puzzle piece, they're not just completing a task. They're feeling a deep, intrinsic sense of pride.
That's because they are experiencing competence. And neurologically, that moment lights up their brain. When the child overcomes a challenge, their brain releases dopamine, the feel-good chemical linked to motivation and reward.
But here is the interesting part: that dopamine spike doesn't come from praise. It comes from progress, from doing the thing. It's this mastery, that "I did it" moment, that lays the groundwork for confidence that lasts a lifetime.
As a brilliant Montessori educator, Mark W. Berger so insightfully reminds us, children are born with this natural intrinsic motivation and a desire to learn. They don't need more praise; they need more practice.
They don't need adult voices narrating their brilliance. They need uninterrupted space to be brilliant. Real confidence doesn't come from knowing they have impressed us. It comes from doing something hard, failing, trying again, and finally succeeding on their own terms. When we allow them to engage with life the way adults do, through effort, experience, and self-discovery, we're not just helping them learn; we're helping them become.
You see, in Montessori, we are encouraged to step back and let kids own their success.
And I'll never forget the day when Adrian decided to pour himself a glass of water. He was about 18 months. There was a full pitcher, a tiny shot glass, and a whole lot of determination. He wobbled, spilled, tried again, and finally he did it. Water everywhere, sure. But also pure pride. That beam on his face wasn't for me; it was his. I didn't say "Good job." I said, "You kept trying."
That was his win, his moment of mastery.
So instead of automatically saying "Good job," we can notice their effort and try this, for example: "You worked so hard to solve that," or acknowledge their independence, for example: "You did it all by yourself."
This simple shift takes the focus off our approval and places it entirely on their effort and achievement.
The result? Resilient, self-assured kids who believe in their own abilities because they've seen what they are truly capable of. Isn't that the kind of confidence every parent dreams of fostering?
Until then, take a deep breath, step back, and watch your child try. And when they shine, let them feel it for themselves. Okay, my sweet friend, if what I shared today resonated with you, hit that subscribe, follow, or whatever you have to do to stay connected so that you don't miss the next episode. And if you learned something new today, share it with a friend who's walking this journey too, because we all need reminders that we are not alone.
Thanks for tuning in, my friend, and I cannot wait to see you next time.
