• Your voice is a powerful nonverbal communicator. Be aware of your pitch, volume, articulation and pace, and practice to ensure you’re having the effect you want.

• Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio found that people make decisions not from logic but from emotion – which is what you should speak to when trying to connect meaningfully with others.

• You can use open loops to create conversations that feel rich, full, and “complete.” Simply start a story and don’t finish it, so you can return later if the conversation stalls.

• When speaking, you will be more engaging and captivating if your language is fresh, novel and vivid. Use metaphors to explain complex topics in simple, relatable ways. To connect to people emotionally, use compelling language and colorful imagery, and allow your enthusiasm to shine through.

• Change the focus of the conversation from yourself to the other person. The goal is to connect and flow, not to compete or perform. Using the words “yes, and” borrowed from improv comedy, you keep things open-ended and dynamic. Be ready to abandon any fixed ideas of the conversation’s goal and follow what is emerging in the moment – your conversation will feel more natural, more joyful, and more connected.

Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotes

Learn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting

#Conversation #AntonioDamasio #SocialInteractions #SuccessfulConversations #WatchWhatYouSay… #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

The words you say matter, but how you say them may matter even more. The tone of your voice reveals your personality, your state of mind, your intentions, things like your nationality, gender and age, and even your health. Your tone of voice can soothe, intimidate, inspire, or bore a person to death. It can establish rapport in a few seconds or instantly put people on edge.

The thing to remember about tonality is that it is a purely emotional signal, and because of that, it is perceived before the rational component of your message. Rather than imagining that your tone of voice is like a garnish on your more logical verbal expression, remember that people make decisions not in spite of emotions, but because of them.

Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio made this discovery in one of his many experiments, when he realized that when people had brain damage in their emotion-processing regions, they stopped being able to make decisions. They could say all the right things, logically, and explain them intellectually, but without any emotional attachment, they couldn’t choose anything or come to an opinion either way.

So, what’s the right tone of voice to have when communicating with others? The answer to that is: it depends. The trick is to tailor your tonality to match the situation, your intention and the person in front of you. Consider these elements:

Pitch

This is how high or low your voice is. Naturally, higher voices are perceived as more feminine and lower ones as more masculine, but sadly for many professional women, the standard advice has been to lower your voice to be taken more seriously. This isn’t necessary! Rather, work at varying your pitch so you’re not speaking in a monotone. A good trick is to imagine that you’re slightly raising your pitch on those words you want to emphasize, or when asking a question. On that note, don’t raise your pitch at the end of every sentence unless you’re asking a question (yes, this is the notorious “Valley speak” and it will make you seem unsure or unintelligent).

Volume

How quiet or loud you speak. Again, vary it somewhat, and be mindful of what’s appropriate in your context. Being very soft-spoken can convey calmness, but also low self-esteem or even secrecy. Suddenly drop your voice when you’re conveying an intimate detail, and the other person is literally drawn in closer to you to hear what you’re saying. Loudness can signal joy and confidence, but also aggression, arrogance or even craziness. It’s a good idea to match your volume to others around you, and slightly raise it to catch attention. Lowering it, again slightly, can signal a more serious, intimate or gentle shift in tone.

Pace

The speed at which you speak. Generally, free-flowing and quick speech is associated with confidence and intelligence, but speaking quickly and breathlessly can also signal anxiety. Speaking too slowly can make you appear, well, slow, and because you seem bored or tired (or old?) you may risk making others impatient or dismissive. On the other hand, slow speech can signal an enormous sense of authority paired with a powerful presence, weighty words, and a strong demeanor.

The National Center for Voice and Speech claims that the average American says about 150 words per minute, and this is a comfortable rate – get out a stopwatch and test yourself.

Articulation

How clearly are you enunciating each word? Are you properly forming your mouth, lips and tongue to correctly pronounce words? This is something that’s so obvious but so frequently overlooked. If people can’t completely hear what you’re saying, it immediately creates a barrier between you, and makes it effortful for the other person to find out what you mean. This shatters your chances of rapport and may even encourage misunderstandings.

Consider how you use things like expletives (swearing), filler words (“um, like, you know, I mean, like…”), and slang. Again, there is no right and wrong; it’s more a question of what is appropriate, and whether your speech is helping you come across in the way you want to. Generally, matching your speech with others creates rapport with them, while emphasizing differences can crate psychological distance. On the other hand, you might want to emphasize those differences! It all comes down to being aware of all the colors on your tonal color palette and gaining enough self-mastery to use the right approach in the right situation.

One tip: practice. Print out an article or famous speech and record/film yourself speaking it. Then play it back and note your pace, volume, articulation and pitch. What could be better? Then, take a deep breath, stretch, “get in the zone,” and read it again, noticing how differently you come across when you alter pace, volume etc. You may study the speech of public speakers you admire, and see the differences between their delivery and your own. Most of it is not natural – they had to learn to use the tool of their voice, and you can learn too!

Your voice is who you are. It is your presence, your expression. If you consistently find that you are too quiet, ask whether you can work on your confidence levels, and dig deep into your convictions. If you find that you tend to rush breathlessly, take a closer look at your anxiety levels and practice a few calming breathing exercises before any social interactions. If you routinely find people asking you to repeat yourself, or they misunderstand you, dismiss you or act offended or confused, then it’s time to consider very deeply not just your voice, but your entire presentation. The question is, are you coming across to others as you really are? As you want to be perceived? And if not, what is standing in the way of you doing that?

Open loops and how to use them

As the name suggests, an open loop is a conversation line that you deliberately leave open so you can loop back to it later if you wish. You probably already know about closed and open-ended questions (“do you like sushi?” vs. “tell me the craziest thing you’ve ever eaten…”), but you can think of open loops as on the far extreme end of open.

For example: “So there we were at this really run-down diner at 4am in the morning – long story! – and we meet Julie. You really have to meet Julie one day. You two would get on so well. So the very first time we meet her, she’s wearing this ridiculous costume, and we couldn’t help but start chatting to her…”

This story is about Julie and her wacky costume, but it first began on the topic of being in a random diner at some unlikely hour. What’s the point of this drastic topic shift? Firstly, it will pique your listener’s interest, but the big benefit is that if the conversation dries up, you can always return to this unfinished story, almost like a conversational save point.

Comedians will deliberately use open loops to return to later with a punch line. This creates a kind of shared history and rapport with the crowd that can be totally charming. Using an open loop is as easy as starting a compelling story, and then simply not finishing it. Move swiftly onto the next thing. Returning back to an open loop is a little like building in a punch line – just not necessarily a humorous one.

Naturally gifted conversationalists (or people who just have really good chemistry) will find themselves with tons of open loops without trying. This is because they are so engrossed in the unfolding moment that they are able to playfully run with it and abandon the current conversational line. Then, with the same excitement, they are able to pick it back up again later. Have you ever been on a date with someone you really clicked with, and felt like you could talk to for days? That sense of conversational abundance, of endless exciting tangents in every direction – it was likely a result of open loops.

You don’t always have to finish every story you start. You don’t have to deliver anecdotes in neat, pre-packaged nuggets. After all, if you do this, you instantly give yourself nothing further to say. Keep a little back. You might even encourage people to ask you questions, allowing their curiosity to drive the conversation.

In Ireland, the idea of good “craic” is essentially this kind of free-form, open-ended banter that never concludes. The whole point is to keep talking, so why work too hard at making definitive pronouncements either way?

Take a look at the following conversation, and see if you can spot the open loops – it’s almost as though they are literally hooks in the conversation that you could return to and loop out a completely new conversation from.

A: “So, what are you studying?”

B: “It’s an IT degree.”

A: “Oh wow, IT. Have you always been into that kind of thing?”

B: “Actually, no! At first, I was an economics major. But I switched pretty quickly…”

A: “Economics, huh? My dad was an economics professor, and I’ll be honest, he’s a little crazy! Maybe you have to be a bit nuts to be good at economics.”

B: “Haha, totally.”

[Here, the conversation lulls a little, and A has trouble thinking of how to keep it going. Luckily, there’s a loop!]

A: But IT, well, I don’t have any experience with that… what are all the IT students like?”

This is a relatively small loop, where the fact of the IT degree is asked about but simply left hanging without resolution. Later, it comes to the rescue. Incidentally, who do you think is the better conversationalist here – A or B? If you chose B, it’s likely because a loop was used, whereas A had nothing to loop back on when the conversation faltered.

Open loops can be much, much larger, though. In fact, so-called “call back jokes” and long running in-jokes often start out as open loops. In keeping with the above example, imagine A and B bump into each other a week later, and this happens:

A: “Oh hey, nice to see you again!”

B: “Hey!”

A: “Classes going well?”

B: “Yeah, they’re OK. Although, remember you were telling me about your crazy dad and how he was an economics professor? Well, we have a new lecturer, and he’s exactly like you described your dad the other day. He hasn’t switched to teaching comp sci, has he?!”

A: “Haha! Nah, probably not. My dad has trouble turning his iPad on...”

In this case, it’s B who is closing a loop by calling back to a previous conversation. Loops can be short or long, and the distance between loop and return can be any length of time – even spanning conversations. The only skills you need to make convincing loops are a sense of focused awareness, and a good memory. When you loop back, you’re essentially telling someone, “Hey, I was paying attention back there, and I care about this. Let’s keep talking…” It instantly creates trust, respect and rapport.

There’s no need to be really uptight about open loops; simply keep the conversation limber and don’t let it get stale. If you have a handful of open loops, you’ll create a conversation that feels rich and complete and dynamic. You want to pepper any conversation with lots of material that you can go and fetch later to run with if you need to. A few things to keep in mind:

• Return to a loop only when you feel the conversation stalling. If you keep jumping around, people will think you have conversational ADHD and get exhausted with you!

• Don’t force a return if it’s really not natural, or you’ll feel like you’re dominating the conversation.

• You want the feeling of unfinished business to kindle interest and curiosity in your listener, not tease or frustrate them. A “cliff hanger” can be a great conversational tactic, especially if you’re using it for humorous effect, but don’t go overboard.

Metaphorically speaking…

Read this section of Dr. King’s now-famous “I have a dream” speech:

“In a sense we’ve come to our nation’s capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked “insufficient funds.” But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in this nation's great vaults of opportunity. And so, we’ve come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.”

Pretty compelling, huh? He could have spoken at length about the abstract concept of freedom of wealth, but he understood that to make his point, he needed to really paint a picture for his audience. As you read, could you actually visualize this bad check?

There is a now famous experiment called the Baker-baker paradox. Participants of this experiment were shown a picture of a man. One group was told the man’s surname was “Baker,” and the other group was told the man was a professional baker. Later, the people were asked to recall the word “baker.” The ones who were told it was the man’s profession remembered it far more than those who thought it was simply a name. Why?

Because we have many strong associations and memories attached to the profession of baker. We have none for the random surname “Baker” (unless, of course, we do!). There are more mental links, so this bit of information means more to us. We engage with it.

The same thing happens with Dr. King’s bad check.

The human brain was built for story-telling, allegory, connections and associations. It likes making links. When you offer a metaphor, you are giving your listener something more colorful and fascinating to grab hold of. The more vivid the imagery, the more interest you’ll conjure up – and the more interesting you will seem in turn.

People like Dr. King are not only visionaries – they are able to translate their personal vision into something that others can see and understand – and, more importantly, feel. This is inspiring and motivating. If you can do the same, you will find that you are more persuasive, and more able to get people on board with your ideas.

When people hear the word “charisma,” they may think of famous historical personalities like King, but you can be charismatic in smaller, more everyday ways – and vivid imagery can help you do that. It’s about understanding that the people listening to you are emotional beings, and that nothing moves people emotionally more than vivid imagery, stories and metaphors.

What do your listeners really care about? What motivates them? Understand this and then use that insight to weave a metaphor for them that will speak their language. For example, you could be a teacher, and trying to convey to your young students the realities of parenthood by saying, “having kids is like playing a video game… on hard mode… with your eyes closed… and the controller’s broken!”

Whenever you make an analogy like this, it’s as though you’re pre-processing information for your listener’s benefit, allowing them to immediately digest the point you’re making. Metaphors and analogies like this are so effective because they not only transmit the important bits of information, they actually communicate possible ways to feel about that information, and how that information fits into the rest of the world – in other words, what it means.

Leaders have learnt to use this kind of speech to motivate, inspire and influence people. But you can use the same tactic for other reasons: to build rapport, to get people to like you, and to cultivate the kinds of conversations that feel more genuine, more enjoyable, and just more awesome.

To borrow from the great orator’s playbook a little more, here are some tips for using colorful, impactful language that will really reach out and touch people:

• Don’t just talk about what you believe and why. Try to understand what makes the person in front of you tick, and frame your argument in terms they would choose. Speak in such a way that at the end of it, they feel like you’ve understood them, rather than they’ve understood you!

• Try relating boring or complex things to interesting and easily understood things. “The mitochondria might be the powerhouses of the cell, but the Golgi complex is like the post office, where everything gets packed up and sent to where it needs to go.”

• Don’t let language be boring. Even in the tiniest ways, try to keep your words fresh and vivid. People with a rich and fascinating vocabulary are always perceived as more intelligent and interesting, so try to avoid the predictable and mundane and be creative. Play with idioms, uncommon adjectives or funny phrases that will make people double take.

• Allow your own excitement and enthusiasm to rub off on other people. As you’re relating a story, tap into its emotional core and convey that to people with your expression, voice, and body language.

Two magic words for unending conversations

Through all our tips and tricks so far, we’ve seen that there is always one unspoken rule about (successful) conversations: the purpose is to connect, share and enjoy, and not to compete, perform or aggrandize yourself. The focus is on the conversation and the other person, and not yourself. If there’s only one thing you remember from this book, it should be this subtle but powerful shift in perspective.

One trick that really captures this mindset is something you’ll find in the world of improv acting. Take a look at the following exchange:

A: Oh my god, I would love to go to Brazil one day. The sun, the people… I could practice my Spanish, too!

B: Your Spanish? You know they speak Portuguese in Brazil, right?

A: (embarrassed) Yeah, uh, I knew that, I just… anyway I do think it would be cool.

B: Sure. But like, what are you basing that on? Do you even know anything about Brazil?

A: I do! I had a Brazilian friend once in school. He was awesome…

B: I hear Brazil has a really crazy crime rate, though.

A: (starts to wonder how to get away)

What went wrong here? It’s like A is trying to flow, and B is putting up blocks and barriers to that flow. Though B only uses the word “but” once, it’s implied in every single response. When we say (or imply) but, we essentially negate everything just said. We put up a block to the flow, refuting the other person, denying their line of conversation, and establishing the conversation as a conflict rather than, say, a dance.

Look again:

A: Oh my god I would love to go to Brazil one day. The sun, the people… I could practice my Spanish, too!

B: Yeah? So you’re a Spanish pro, huh?

A: Ha, well, not a pro exactly – I did say I need to practice!

B: Oh definitely, practice is important. You don’t want to go to Brazil and accidentally insult someone’s mother every time you ask where the train station is…

A: True! That’s the root of all gang violence, I’m sure.

B: Totally. I’m sure there’s a study out there or something.

A: There’s a study for everything, right? Or we could just make one up… making stuff up, now that I’m a pro at…

In the first conversation, what is taking center stage is B’s insistence on correcting A’s mistake, and subsequent posturing and judging. It’s a metaphorical sparring match – whatever A says, B has to jump in and fight it. Crazy when you put it like that, but I’m sure you’ve been in a conversation like this before, right?

But look at the second conversation. The fact that A says something untrue is simply not relevant. Why? Because the goal of a conversation is not to find out who is the best, the most important or the most correct. It’s not to share factually correct information efficiently. It’s to have fun and to connect!

There are no literal “yes, and” moments in the second conversation, but the spirit of affirmation is everywhere. Whatever A says, B accepts wholeheartedly and runs with. It’s like a relay. Neither A nor B are too hung up on their idea of where the conversation should go. They just play with it. The result is a wonderful, warm banter that flows quickly, and likely generates huge amounts of positive feelings for both. The conversation has become more than either of them. Conversely, the first conversation succeeds in making B feel superior, but at what cost? Person A likely thinks he’s a jerk and can’t get away fast enough.

In improv, the game is to say “yes, and” in your responses, and never say, “yes, but.”

This is just a guide, though – the big idea is to respond to the person in front of you without judgment, resistance or negativity. We all do it unconsciously at times, but even the slightest hint of non-acceptance or pushback can set up major barriers between you and the other person. It makes genuine, playful and awesome conversation very difficult.

You may, in effect, be saying, “no, but” every time you subtly change the topic, or continue to return to your thread despite the fact that they keep trying to run in a different direction. You may come across as defensive or stubborn simply because you’ve gone into the interaction with a fixed idea of what should play out. And when the conversation doesn’t match your script, you stop perceiving the flowing cues from the other person, and basically start having a conversation with yourself.

Have you ever had some point in your head that you wanted to share in a conversation, but as you sat listening quietly, you watched the topic drift away, making your point irrelevant? Try to have the good grace to let this point go. After all, you might feel better if you forcefully say your bit when you finally get a turn to speak, but consider the result: the other person will think, “wait, did she even hear what I just said?”

Nothing communicates acceptance, acknowledgment, and validation more than grabbing what people come up with and elaborating on it, in the moment. Immerse into their worlds. Forget everything else and take their statement as completely “true” as though in an improv skit.

There’s a reason people don’t do this: fear. Maybe you think, “but I don’t know what to say! I’ll be on the spot and won’t be able to say anything witty!” Yes, this takes practice. But if you can let go and relax a little, and just “go with the flow,” you will discover that the best conversations are ones you don’t prepare for at all.

You don’t need to be witty or clever or knowledgeable. You only need to be present.

The next time you’re in a conversation, and feel a “but” bubbling up inside you, take a deep breath and turn your attention outwards instead. What’s happening with the other person? Go with that. Let them set the pace, the tone, the topic. Believe that you can have a brilliant conversation about anything, and it doesn’t matter. If you’re worried you don’t look good, focus your attention on making them look good – it works like magic.

You might be wondering about what happens when you genuinely disagree with someone. Well, then it becomes a matter of style and tact. Here, just eliminate the word “but.”

Instead of saying, “you want to go that way, but we’ll hit traffic if we do,” say, “Yes, we could go that way, and then we’ll probably hit some traffic. Or we could go this other route, which will be faster.”

It’s the same information; it’s just not presented as an argument. There’s no friction or opposition. A good conversationalist can completely disagree with someone, without threatening the thing that really matters: their fluid and enjoyable connection to one another.

No matter how bizarre the other person’s position, or how much you disagree with it, you can still maintain a warm, lively and dynamic connection with them. Get your ego out the way, drop your “script”, and have a little faith in the other person. It’s like the catchphrase from the skit show Whose Line is it Anyway? – everything is made up, and the points don’t matter!