The Downside to Being Strong - Summoned to Soar Radio

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The Downside to Being Strong

Episode 2 • 25th February 2025 • Summoned to Soar Radio • Dr. Angela Aja

00:02

Dr. Angela Aja

Welcome to Summoned to Soar Radio. This podcast was created for bold female leaders who are ready to rise above the hustle and create a life of purpose, impact and influence. If you've got a big vision and a deep desire to make your mark on the world and a hunger to step into your next season with clarity and confidence, then let me tell you're at the right place at the right time. Here's what we're all about. We're about helping women rediscover their authentic voice, reinvent themselves as powerful, influential leaders, and then reclaim their authority with a thought leadership book. With simple, actionable mindset strategies and the SOAR method, which is our proven framework for transformation, you'll discover how to turn your challenges into stepping stones, lead with authenticity and boldness, and share your message in a way that leaves a legacy.

01:03

Dr. Angela Aja

Join me and my inspiring guests as we share personal stories, practical tools and strategies to help you align your life with your purpose. Whether you're looking to shift the narrative around women and leadership or cement your legacy as a spirit led visionary, this podcast will give you the courage and clarity to soar. It's time to embrace your story, own your journey, and amplify your impact, even if life hasn't gone as planned. Transform. Breakthrough.

01:38

Dr. Angela Aja

Soar.

01:39

Dr. Angela Aja

Are you ready?

01:41

Dr. Angela Aja

some of my thoughts with you.: 2024

02:39

Dr. Angela Aja

est seasons of their lives in: 2024

03:36

Dr. Angela Aja

ent up in smoke, literally in: 2024

04:40

Dr. Angela Aja

In the middle of moving from one location to the next, I put all my things in storage. While everything was in storage, a big fire broke out at the storage unit. And guess what? All of my stuff was gone. Once again, I had lost everything. So of course I wanted to curl up in a ball and I wanted to ask God, why, you know, why did I lose everything again? And I wanted to feel sorry for myself and slide into the mud pit of self pity, if you will. But the problem is, I'm the butterfly lady. When I coach, when I speak, and even in my book, I always tell the story that when the caterpillar goes into the cocoon, she loses up to half her weight. And I always say that loss positions you for transformation. And it does. I believe that.

05:39

Dr. Angela Aja

But because I am the strong one and I was so committed to being strong, I picked myself up by my bootstraps and I just kept on going. I was not going to let something like this stop me. And I thought, you know, I can muscle my way through this. There's no time to grieve. And, you know, when I told my friends and my family, I was so busy being strong that I touted the narrative that, you know, this is no big deal. Now, I am a pillar of strength, that is for sure. And. And I'm fairly even tempered and I'm an internal processor, so I don't typically wear my emotions on my sleeve. But I knew something was off in my body. My blood pressure skyrocketed. I was having heart palpitations And I was struggling just to get through the day.

06:37

Dr. Angela Aja

Well, at first, I dismissed this as just a natural part of getting older. But somewhere down deep inside, I knew something is going on. And I knew that my body was responding to. To something that was going on mentally and emotionally. I remember going out for a walk one morning, and I was talking to one of my kids on the phone, and I was coaching them through a stressful situation. And I saw it as plain as day. He was so committed to being strong that he was neglecting his own needs. Oh, my goodness. I saw it in him before I saw it in me. But that's exactly what I had been doing. I was being the strong one. And after we hung up, I kept walking, and I heard God speak to me. And he said, you have stress that is submerged.

07:37

Dr. Angela Aja

And I thought, what in the world is that? I'm a real sucker for a comeback story. You know, like the Williams Wallace types of stories. Jesus overcoming death in the grave. I get really riled up by hearing these stories of people who, you know, come back from the ashes, whether it's in real life, Bible stories, or in historical events, you know, people that are just, like, against the odds. I love the strong ones, and I love being a strong one. But the problem is that I had been allowing life to just pile it on. And because I took so much pride in being the strong one that the weight of it all almost made me buckle under the pressure. I was so busy being strong that, you know, I didn't want anybody to find out my dirty little secret, that I'm really weak.

08:43

Dr. Angela Aja

So today I want to explore the challenges and the triumphs of bold female leaders, because I don't think I'm alone. Because we navigate being the strong ones. I'm your host, Angela Aja, leadership coach, impact strategist, and author of Summit to Soar. The five stages of the Rise of a Woman. And today's episode is called the Downside of Being Strong. I've grown up with leaders all my life, and I know that for leaders, especially bold female leaders, we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. And the problem is we look good doing it. We make it look easy. We're the fixers of the world. We're the go to people. We can come back from anything, and we can very easily just pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and keep moving forward.

09:39

Dr. Angela Aja

Even if we're enduring the dark night of our soul, you would never know it. We are the ones that carry our stress elegantly. We don't freak out or lose our temper. Maybe sometimes I've even been referred to as an easy keeper or calm under pressure or easygoing. And you know, I know I can get through anything as a strong one. Not only that, but I take emotional responsibility. And I'm always asking myself the question, what can I do better? How can I learn from this and grow from this and how can I change? So if you're like me and you've been busy being the strong one, then you know what I mean. And the problem is that when you're the strong one, sometimes you wear a target on your back.

10:34

Dr. Angela Aja

And I found that when you're so busy being the strong one, you're more susceptible to mental and emotional abuse because of your own mental and emotional resilience. You're forgiving, you see the good in everyone and you actually believe in others more than they believe in themselves. You may be susceptible toxic relationships where emotional dumping becomes one sided simply because you're the strong one and you can handle it. You allow the weaker ones to dump, which leads to emotional exhaustion. And if you're like me, if you're a strong one, then you probably have what I call submerged stressed. And it's something that stress that is submerged just beneath the surface. Because you're so busy being strong, when you feel stressed, you just push it down. And so it just lies beneath the surface until it doesn't.

11:42

Dr. Angela Aja

And that unprocessed, it can be unprocessed stress, it can be unprocessed grief, unprocessed emotions. But trust me when I tell you it's lying just beneath the surface. And my coach used to tell me, whatever you wait on, you wait with. And so that stress sits submerged in our body. And then sometimes our physical bodies can respond to the emotional weight and come out like it did for me, as high blood pressure or other physical ailments. Well, not only that, but if you're the strong one, then you're most likely the one to say yes when you really want to say no, or you say no when you really want to say yes.

12:34

Dr. Angela Aja

And you probably don't take a stand for your own well being because you're more worried about the well being of everyone else around you, which is very noble, but it's ineffective when it comes to going the distance and leaving a legacy. And I believe that's what we're called to. And so settling for always being the strong one and not paying attention to the downside of being strong can sabotage our legacy. So along the way I realized some myths that I had been falsely believing about being strong. The first myth is that strength means carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders alone. I've gone to leadership conferences all my life, and we hear things like, it's lonely at the top. And so we assume then that being Strong means loneliness.

13:35

Dr. Angela Aja

48% of female founders report a lack of available advisors and mentors, which limits their personal growth. Again, 48% of female founders are settling for strength as loneliness. But here's what I want you to know is that the crown is heavy laden with jewels, and it requires support to sustain the weightiness of its impact. And guess what? So do you. You absolutely need a queen. You absolutely need a coach or a mentor and a community that holds you accountable to the dreams and desires of your heart, not to their dreams and desires, but that holds you accountable to your dreams and desires. And you need a tribe of women that really provides that safe space for you. That's a judgment free zone. Now, I know that there's a time and a place to stand alone as a leader and to not follow the crowd.

14:43

Dr. Angela Aja

But the thing is that if you're a strong one, I know you know how to be strong. And so what if we give strength a new meaning? What if we said being strong is sharing the load, Being strong is being vulnerable. Being strong is knowing when and who to let down your guard with and to ask for help. These are some changes that I had to make for myself. One of the things that I always say with my clients is that chronic busyness is not proof of your purpose. It's an avoidance of it. And so myth number two is that being strong equals being busy. When you're the strong one, you suppress your needs, you suppress your voice, and a lot of times even suppressing your vulnerability just to fit into traditional leadership expectations. And so you think to yourself, well, leaders aren't lazy.

15:46

Dr. Angela Aja

And so therefore, you get as many plates as you can up in the air like a juggling act in the circus. And you're spinning them so fast so that they don't all come crashing down on your head. And then guess what? You find yourself in a place where you're struggling with work, life, balance, because you believed the myth that strength equals busyness. But your queenly ability to organize and administrate your affairs, sometimes it gets overshadowed by the need to just survive the day to day grind. Wave at me even though I can't see you. Like, give me an amen if you know that circus act. And Sometimes, you know, we get so caught up in the daily grind and just what's calling the loudest to us. But it's time to let the crown lead and govern your life.

16:46

Dr. Angela Aja

Well, wearing the crown takes balance and poise to be perfectly positioned so that your crown aligns with your calling. Guess what? You can be strong without burning the candle at both ends. Well, here's the next myth. If you've ever been told that it's better to give than to receive, but yet you're pouring from an empty cup, I get it. As a queen, you are a nurturer by nature. You're, you're a giver, and so you're the strong one. And guess what? You probably are believing the myth that the strong ones over deliver. Well, you are well versed in extending your royal scepter, right? You give and you give. But sometimes you neglect your own mental and emotional well being. So you over give, which leaves you feeling drained, depleted, and exhausted.

17:55

Dr. Angela Aja

I always say that anytime you're over giving, over serving, over delivering, over talking, over sharing, overdoing anything, it comes from a place of lack because you're trying to overdo to prove that you're enough. Here's the other thing I want to remind you of, is that the full cycle of abundance is giving and receiving. And so as a strong one, you know how to give. But receiving is also an essential part of living a life of impact. I cannot tell you how many bold female leaders have told me throughout the years that they actually feel guilty for taking time or money to invest in themselves because they could give it to someone else.

18:54

Dr. Angela Aja

Right?

18:55

Dr. Angela Aja

They're the strong one. Someone else needs it. They're super comfortable giving, but they're not comfortable receiving, even for themselves. So here's the thing. I want you to think about this. If you're the strong one, if you are giving, giving, you invest in everyone else around you. And when you invest in them, who gets the roi? Who gets the return on investment? They do. They flourish. So that means that your investments work. When you invest in other people, they get a big roi. So it's not that your investments don't work, but it's being willing to invest in yourself so that you get the ROI too. And what this does is the safeguards from you pouring from an empty cup. So, sis, save some strength for yourself so that you can give from a place of abundance and pour from overflow.

20:03

Dr. Angela Aja

essons that I had to learn in: 2024

21:12

Dr. Angela Aja

So as the strong one, you're a connector. And so that is so sad to me that as the strong one, as connectors, that we feel so alone sometimes. But I want you to know that you have to have a place to connect through vulnerability and sincerity. And it is possible, even if you don't trust other women, even if you've had, you know, a bad experience with women's groups, There are queens that you can connect with out there. So for me, I realized that, you know, I had some of those safe places, but I had been avoiding them for being out of fear, just from a fear of being misunderstood and misjudged. And I had to, you know, humble myself and connect with them. And I went to some of them and I really shared what was happening.

22:13

Dr. Angela Aja

And they said, why did you wait so long? We would have been there standing by your side. So you probably have people in your life that you can connect to, but you've just been suffering alone out of fear of being found out. So here's the next myth. So if you've ever heard them say, it's a man's world, but you know that your feminine presence really sets you apart, Then high five and fist pump, girl. Because that old stinking thinking myth is that strong means you have to be strong like a man. As a queen, you have the unique ability to give birth not just to children, but to your majestic dreams and desires, the ones that were deposited inside of you before you were even formed in your mother's womb.

23:13

Dr. Angela Aja

And so, just like a woman in labor has the ability to endure intense pressure, right? We know those birthing pains, girls. Just like a woman in labor has the ability to endure the intense pressure that expands the birthing canal. You have all the resources that you need inside of you to shift and expand your world to make way for Your imperial purpose and calling. So you need to be supported as you birth your regal purpose. This is not a man's world, it is your world. And I'm here to be the midwife to help you birth your royal destiny. I feel like getting excited about that one. So if you feel that inside of you, if you feel the birthing pains, listen, I just want you to know that you're ready to transition. This is your moment in time.

24:12

Dr. Angela Aja

For bold female leaders, strength often is a double edged sword. And it feels like a badge of honor, but it also feels like a heavy burden sometimes. And you know, just like I was feeling like I didn't want anyone to find out that dirty little secret about me. If you're the, if you're a bold female leader, if you're the strong one, then you don't want anyone to know and you might have a fear of being found out that, you know, the strength that you walk in actually feels crippling at times. And here's the last myth that I, I want to really address here, that as the strong one, I used to believe that my empathy gets in the way of my leadership.

25:00

Dr. Angela Aja

And I cannot tell you how many bold female leaders tell me that, but here's what I want you to know is that empathy can be a superpower if you're using it to create boundaries instead of breach boundaries. And the best way that you can begin to use your empathy is to apply the empathy to yourself. So here's the thing about being the strong one. You have hear this deep sense of empathy and you're probably highly sensitive to the feelings and also the energy of other people. But this empathy can become and feel more like really kryptonite if it's not managed properly. You know, I remember before I realized that I operated from a place of empathy. I used to think something was wrong with me. And I, I felt awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin.

26:05

Dr. Angela Aja

And I was really burdened by the emotions and also the energies of other people. And a lot of times I would feel other people's feelings and I would assume they were mine. And then I would beat myself up for having those feelings and say, what's wrong with you? How can you think that? But I realized a lot of times I was feeling other people. But I went away to a retreat in a little Texas town out in the middle of nowhere and I had this incredible God encounter. It really changed everything. And that's when I realized that God had given me the gift of empathy as a superpower. And now I help others turn their empathy into a strength so that it's no longer a source of suffering. Here's three things I just want to give you.

26:59

Dr. Angela Aja

Three short things here that I did that really helped me to embrace my empathy is number one again thinking of it in terms of turning your empathy into inward. And so because you're so attuned to other people's feelings and energies, you know, why not turn that inside and begin to pay attention to your own feelings and your pay attention to your own energy. And here's three ways you can do that. Number one, recognize your needs. Give yourself permission to prioritize your own well being. Number two, set boundaries. Learn how to say no without guilt. And number three, embrace self leadership. Take responsibility for your own thoughts, patterns and emotions instead of worrying about the thoughts, patterns and emotions of others. When you do this, empathy transforms from a burden into a gift. And it allows you to lead more authentically and have deeper connections.

28:06

Dr. Angela Aja

It is really powerful. So if you're one of the strong ones, I know you are incredibly resilient. You face challenges, setbacks, and heartaches, but you continue to rise. Resilience, though, isn't always about just pushing through and muscling your way through at all costs. Sometimes it's about really transforming your experiences into strength and wisdom. So if you're the strong ones, you have what I call the Tigger anointing. The word resilience, it actually means to bounce back. So as we close out the podcast, I want to tell you a story. In the delightful world of the Hundred Acre Wood, there's a tale about Tigger, the bouncy tiger. Rabbit, fed up with Tigger's incessant bouncing through the garden, hatches a plan to curb Tigger's enthusiasm. He tricks Tigger into attempting a daring feat.

29:12

Dr. Angela Aja

Jumping to the top of the famously high Castle Ridge to aid Tigger, Rabbit provides him with weighted shoes, claiming that they used to belong to the legendary awesome bunny of Obsidasium. However, Rabbit's plan takes an unexpected turn. Tigger not only scales Castle Ridge with the weighted shoes, but he becomes an even better bouncer. Rabbit's attempt to stop Tigger backfires, leaving everyone astonished. Tigger, fueled by excitement, dreams of bouncing to the moon with a bit more training. Rabbit, on the other hand, is overwhelmed by his own prank. And Gopher, who initially went along with Rabbit's scheme, eventually calls him out for going a little bit too far. And so, in the 100 acre woods, Tiger's bounce remains unstoppable. And Rabbit learned a valuable lesson about the consequences of his actions. If you're the strong one, you're resilient. And that resilience is one of your superpowers.

30:19

Dr. Angela Aja

Even when life gives you weighted shoes, you find a way to bounce back and even higher. I want you to know that through transformational coaching, I've seen hundreds of women who are the strong ones. They're the bouncy ones. I've seen them overcome emotional exhaustion, stop taking everything personally, because you know, we do that girls. I've seen them gain peace of mind and real clarity about their identity and have a new sense of confidence and really embrace their authenticity and their uniqueness, which is so beautiful. So if you're the strong one, you've been a fixer. You've been the one that everyone depends on. You've been the woman that carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. And you've made it look effortless. You've been the person that everybody calls for advice and support. And you always have a solution.

31:21

Dr. Angela Aja

You show up, you're calm under pressure, you're composed, you're reliable. Even when you're going through your own dark night of the soul. I want you to remember something. When you are the strong one, you can also fall into a dangerous trap. And that trap is suppressing your needs, your voice, and even your vulnerability. And sometimes that leads to emotional exhaustion, burnout, and just that terrible feeling of not feeling fulfilled. But I don't want that for you. I want you to go the distance and leave a legacy, because that's what you're called to. So the truth is that you don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and you don't have to do it alone. It's just an old, worn out, self protective strategy.

32:19

Dr. Angela Aja

ng my come to Jesus moment in: 2024

33:25

Dr. Angela Aja

Really live with self leadership. Worry about your own thoughts, patterns and emotions and your energy. And then reinvent yourself for your next level. That's when you're able to soar. So the reason that I named my book Summoned to Soar, the five stages of the rise of a Woman is because when that little caterpillar embraces her cocoon season and she goes to the transformation, she lets go who she was so that she can become who she was created to be. And she breaks out of the cocoon and she's in the air and she's flying. Something incredible happens. She catches the tailwind. And when she catches the tailwind takes her to soaring, which it takes her farther and higher than she could ever go on her own. You know, when a butterfly is in the air flying, she's living with purpose.

34:22

Dr. Angela Aja

She's using her natural resources, and you know, she catches that tailwind. But when she catches the tailwind does all the work. And so her job in order to ride the tailwind is that she has to stop flapping her wings. So, yes, Queen, you are so strong. And I love that about you. I love that you're strong. But some of your strength can be used for you. And you know, remember that there is a downside to being strong. And I want you to know that the tailwind is calling you. But in order to ride the tailwind, you have to stop flapping your wings so hard. If this episode has resonated with you, please subscribe and then share it with another woman, a strong one who might need to hear this message. I'd love for you to visit my website or join my free Facebook group.

35:27

Dr. Angela Aja

It's called the Queen's Domain and you can start your journey there. It's a private group for bold female leaders. I have lots of amazing resources there. Thank you so much for joining me on the Summon to Soar radio podcast. And remember that you don't have to stop being strong, but you also don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone. Until next time, keep rising, keep soaring, and keep embracing your strength with grace. You have been summoned to Soar.

36:07

Dr. Angela Aja

Thank you for tuning in to Summit. Commoned to Soar Radio, this is where bold female leaders just like you embrace the call to rise above the ordinary and step into a life of greater purpose and impact. Hey, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so that you'll always know when the next episode drops. I want to remind you that you have everything you need to turn your challenges into stepping stones, amplify your message.

36:36

Dr. Angela Aja

And leave a lasting legacy.

36:39

Dr. Angela Aja

Whether it's writing a thought leadership book or leading with more purpose, or designing a life that's fulfilling and meaningful, it is your time to soar right now.

36:52

Dr. Angela Aja

So go.

36:53

Dr. Angela Aja

Boldly align your work with your calling and let your leadership inspire, change, shift narratives, and make your mind mark on the world. If you're ready for the next step, then head on over to Angelaja.com and join the Crown Membership. It's a sisterhood of women who are reigning with grace, wisdom, and purpose. Together, we'll transform your story, your leadership, and your legacy into a movement that lasts for generations. Until next time, keep rising. And remember, transformation begins the moment you answer the call to soar.