Wisdom-Trek / Creating a Legacy

Welcome to Day 189 of our Wisdom-Trek, and thank you for joining me.

This is Guthrie Chamberlain, Your Guide to Wisdom.

Discuss, Never Argue

Thank you for joining us for our 7 days a week, 7 minutes of wisdom podcast. This is Day 189 of our Trek, and yesterday we studied The Science of Making Wise Decisions. Today we will explore why it is wise to always discuss issues and not argue. If you miss any of our Wisdom-Trek episodes, please go to Wisdom-Trek.com to listen to them and read the daily journal.

We are recording our podcast from our studio at The Big House in Marietta, Ohio.  After meeting with our renovation contractor, we decided to go ahead and have the ceilings in the library, parlor and downstairs hallway/foyer all dry walled at the same time since it will save us the additional cost of mobilization and scheduling. Because of this, I will be working on Saturday to remove the acoustical ceiling tiles in the parlor and downstairs hallway/foyer.  This was not part of our plan for this weekend, so I will have to work quickly to get it all completed. We will also be looking at replacing the windows in the library and parlor this spring. The original windows in the house are drafty and not as functional as they should be.

We are looking forward to the Marietta grandkids coming over Saturday evening, and I am sure they will love helping Gramps with additional renovations. I will leave the wallpaper for them to remove.  It is quite old and comes off easily.

Let’s move on to our Trek for today as we set out on our trail to discover why it is wise and prudent to always discuss matters of differences and avoid arguing.  When Paula and I were dating the year before being married, one ground rule that I set between us is that I would not argue with her. I wanted to set the guideline for our marriage and felt that as differences arose, then as intelligent and rational adults we could calmly discuss any issues that we may have. After over 36 years of marriage, I can say that we have kept that commitment and have never had any type of significant arguments between us. It is possible if you are committed to making it work.

Now onto our trail for today, which we will call…

Discuss, Never Argue

There are some personalities that can be labeled as argumentative and that shows in their behavior and relationships. Arguments can be avoided and a lot of heartaches prevented by being a little careful. The best way to win an argument is to avoid it. An argument is one thing you will never win. If you win, you lose; if you lose, you lose. If you win an argument but lose a good job, customer, friend, or marriage, what kind of victory is it? Pretty empty.

Arguments result from an inflated ego. Arguing is like fighting a losing battle. Even if one wins, the cost may be more than the victory is worth. Emotional battles leave a residual ill will, even if you win. In an argument, both people are trying to have the last word. The argument is nothing more than a battle of egos, which results in a yelling contest.

· How do you “Argue” With Your Spouse or Close Friend?

There should be no losers. Do you really want your spouse, whom you love, or friend to lose an argument with you? Think how constantly losing arguments with you plays on your spouse’s or friend’s self-esteem. Did you know spouses influence each other’s self-esteem more than any other factor during their married life? Arguments are usually started because one spouse feels that the other is messed up or wrong. The Bible has something to say about how to correct someone when you feel they are wrong.

The Bible teaches that love should be “slow to anger” and that love “covers a multitude of sins” and that we should not think we are better than others (including our spouse). As Jesus’s half-brother, James wrote in his letter in  James [1:19]-20,

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.

So when a married couple loves each other, they will not be quick to correct each other, especially when we approach it with a wrong attitude.

But what if your spouse is selfish and doesn’t seem to ever want to change and you feel you cannot overlook their selfishness any longer, how should you deal with your spouse? Galatians 6: 1 says, “Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself.”

And, Ephesians 5: 25 says, “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.”

These two verses teach us that when we feel our spouse (or really anyone) is wrong, we should be very humble and gentle with them and love them to the point of being willing to give our life for them, as Jesus did for the church. This is a prayer that I pray every morning that I would love Paula as Christ loved the church…It certainly has helped me to stay focused on our relationship.

· Is anything really worth arguing about?

Ephesians 4:26 says,  “And ‘don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

The more arguments you win, the fewer friends you have. Even if you are right, is it worth arguing? The answer is pretty obvious, a big “No.” Does that mean one should never bring up a point when they disagree?

One should but gently and tactfully by saying something neutral such as “based on my information…” If the other person is argumentative, even if you can prove him wrong, is it worth it? I don’t think so. Do you make your point a second time? You wouldn’t. Why? Because the argument is coming from a closed mind trying to prove who is right rather than what is right.

For example, say you are at a social gathering, and a good friend authoritatively says, “Guns are to blame for the recent upswing in violence in certain parts of the world.” You happen to know (or at least believe) that his information is incorrect, and it is a breakdown in families and social structure that is causing the increase in violence. So, you bring up your research and studies in Google that “prove” your point. Do you make your point?  Maybe, but the other person could probably bring up numerous “studies” that prove that he is correct. So, what should you do at this point? Well, you could do one of four things…

1. Make your point again and start an argument.
2. Bring up your studies on your phone or tablet to prove your point.
3. Avoid it.
4. Discuss but don’t argue. 

The right choice is number 3 or at best a calm number 4. This is the type of topic that you can easily find studies to prove whatever you want to. In the end, no one wins. As the old saying goes, “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

If you want to accomplish great things in life, you must be wise and practice discernment and maturity. Maturity means not getting entangled in unimportant things and petty arguments.  All arguments will eventually become petty.

· What is the difference between an argument and a discussion?

• An argument throws heat; a discussion throws light.
• An argument stems from ego and a closed mind whereas a discussion comes from an open mind and a desire to learn and possibly change.
• An argument is an exchange of ignorance whereas a discussion is an exchange of knowledge.
• An argument is an expression of temper whereas a discussion is an expression of logic.
• An argument tries to prove who is right whereas a discussion tries to prove what is right.

Make it a habit to avoid arguments at all cost.  If a subject is worth debating, it is worth discussing.  You never win an argument because everyone loses. That will end our discussion for today, but please share Wisdom-Trek with your friends and family and encourage them to join us and come along tomorrow for another day of our Wisdom-Trek, Creating a Legacy as we expand our trail from today and learn how not to let conflict keep you from success.

That will finish our podcast for today. Remember to listen to your daily dose of wisdom each day. Please share Wisdom-Trek with your family and friends through email, Facebook, Twitter, or in person so they can come along with us each day.

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Thank you for allowing me to be your guide, mentor, and most of all your friend as I serve you through the Wisdom-Trek podcast and journal each day.

As we take this Trek together, let us always:

1. Live Abundantly (Fully)
2. Love Unconditionally
3. Listen Intentionally
4. Learn Continuously
5. Lend to others Generously
6. Lead with Integrity
7. Leave a Living Legacy Each Day

This is Guthrie Chamberlain reminding you to Keep Moving Forward, Enjoy Your Journey, and Create a Great Day Every Day! See you tomorrow!