"The most life changing conscious thing I did was, when interacting in my relationships, I would ask myself 'Am I answering from love? or fear?' " - Courtney Hanson [22:57]

How to heal the mother wound and set boundaries with toxic family members will allow you to release the pain bottled up inside. And you will start attracting healthy women into your life. We all desire connection and love, and you can experience that when you heal the core mother wound.

Today I share a conversation with Courtney Hanson

Instagram: @thesweetestlittlelife

Follow us on IG @ravenscottshow & DM "free gift" to gain instant access to the FREE How to set Powerful Boundaries workshop.

Here are some key moments:

• [8:27] Life & parents sometimes put you in a victim identity to fit in
• [10:25] You may carry blame from the wrongs your parents did
• [17:19] Generational Trauma
• [23:47] Somatic Healing moves it out of your body
• [25:18] Get comfortable with the uncomfortable
• [42:15] She share 3 exercises to release the pain

"I carried all this blame of I'm not good enough. "

Courtney Hanson is a best-selling author, podcast host, yoga instructor, reiki master, hypnotherapist, trauma-somatics healer, and inspirational speaker. She helps women remember their soul's purpose and return home in their bodies.

 www.thesweetestlittlelife.com 

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This book calls us to rise up together as warriors, as wild women, as mothers, but most of all, it empowers you to be the best version of your authentic self. Don't take my word for it. Listen to this review. This book really stirred up my emotions and self-awareness. It will help you understand yourself.

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Are you answering from love or are you answering from fear?

. I am your host, Raven Scott,

this is episode 106, how to heal the mother wound and set boundaries with toxic family members with Courtney Hanson.

this podcast, hit subscribe and rate and review. This podcast.

This episode is sponsored by better help. I numbed myself to stop the pain and I reached out to friends for. But it wasn't until I gained courage to leave and seek therapy that my dark abyss of hopelessness finally started to let in the light I was so longing for.

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Empaths is another beautiful guest today. I was on her podcast, the sweetest life, and she has a beautiful studio. And just an amazing, incredible human being. She is Courtney Hanson.

Courtney Hanson is a best-selling author podcast. Host. Yoga instructor Reiki, master hypnotherapists, trauma, somatics, healer, and inspirational speaker. She helps women remember their soul's purpose and return home in their bodies.

She is a wife, mother of three Affirma mom to three and successful entrepreneur. Her journey through life is the framework that has led her to serve others. She has overcome pain and trauma that she has used as lessons and stepping stones to mold her into the woman she is today, helping others reach their goals, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Let Courtney help you break through barriers. Step into your purpose and become the divine goddess you were destined to

Her book that, uh, you heard at the very beginning of this episode is called Within. It is a beautiful book. Definitely. Check it out. The links to her and her book are in the show So without further ado. Let's get in. In to the conversation.

Yes,

Right? Yeah. , Cause the courts. Throw with the mom. So people were constantly asking, growing up, like, Why do you live with your dad? Where's your mom? Where's your mom? And as I grew up and got older, it was like I would see girls shopping simple things like at the mall, and I would be there and I'd just be just in awe watching these girls open shoe boxes for homecoming with their moms.

And I'm like, I'm never gonna have that. And so I started rebelling and really trying to push my dad away. One, I was resentful as hell because he has his own sets of abuse and things, and really he couldn't do it on his own. And after my grandmother passed away when I was 12, my whole world was rock. I went from having some sort of stability and everything, and then we lived very lavishly on my grandmother's inheritance for a few years, and then it all went away and I had nothing.

And so in eighth grade I decided, you know, I did the whole, I hate you. I wanna live with my mom thing. And I went there and I got a real just of reality. My mom had this new life and this new daughter and I, I wasn't in it. And I have an older sister from another dad, a younger sister from another dad, and.

She was living this happily ever after, and I always knew that I wasn't the priority, even at a very young age. I was always kind of the burden, always the nuisance. And so I really took on this role of playing the victim and I fell into this because it was the only place I could fit in. Um, and so I was defensive about everything and I had these walls put up.

Fast forward 20 years . I went through a huge dark night of the soul and, um, tried to kill myself. I share my story very openly on my podcast and in my book within mm-hmm. and. During that time, my mom, who had had an affair herself, who had done all the things that I was currently doing, instead of being there for me, was reaching out to my husband, telling my husband to divorce me and call CPS on me and take the kids away from me.

And so I realized in that moment, I was like, You know what? Like, , I'm done. I can't, I cannot keep doing this. I keep repeating cycles within my family. And then playing the victim on like, Oh, this is acceptable, instead of taking my power back. Yeah. And so I ended up telling her about two and a half years ago, You're never gonna talk to me again.

and unfortunately I had to cut that cord and I haven't talked to her since. I don't know if I ever will talk to her again. I have forgiven her and I have to love her from a place of distance because it is such a toxic relationship and I'm not sure that when you're dealing, And it was funny because when I first.

Got on my healing path, I was like, Oh, I'm an empath and I'm this . And then as I went to school, I realized like, no, you're just in major trauma response. Right, ? Yeah. And then I started seeing, Cause for me, you know, we hear the word narcissist and it, it's thrown around like candy, right? Everyone's a narcissist.

but when you're really dealing with a narcissist, you typically think of a man, right? Mm-hmm. , you don't think of a woman. And so I kept hearing this and I started seeing all these things and hearing all these things, and I was like, Oh my God, it makes sense. Like everything started to click for me and I was like, I was responding.

To the behavior that I was being given as a child, and for so long I carried all this blame of I'm not good enough. I'm not this, I, I keep messing up. I keep spiraling. I'm an alcoholic. I keep doing this, I keep doing that. And I'll never forget the day. Seriously, the day that changed my life is cheesy as that sounded, I sat with my own trauma therapist and I was like just sobbing, and I was, I was just at a place of brokenness and not knowing

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My kids were at those ages that at the time I didn't realize. Was my own molestation, was my own trauma when it started. And when they hit that age, I boom. Mm-hmm. . And I didn't know how to deal with it. And I didn't even know what was going on until she looked me dead in the eyes and she was like, Uh, you're not broken.

I'm not gonna fix you. And she's like, You have literally been a victim of two narcissistic parents your entire life and being blamed for everything, and then threatening to expose you when there's nothing to expose. And she goes, Go fucking expose your. And I was like, Whoa, one, my therapist stopped the F bomb two.

I can do that and three are safe, you know? And it was like this ha moment for me. And I was like, Oh, I'm, And she was like, You're the victim. She's like, Stop playing the victim. And she's like, At any time you can take your power back. And I was like, Holy shit. I was like, Yeah, I have been powerless. This is why I feel powerless.

And I was like, I don't have to like, but it, I, I never knew that I had any power until that moment. Yeah. Because when you're dealing with real narcissistic abuse Yeah. You truly do feel like you're just under the sun. You have no power. You have no control. You have no, you're just constantly reacting to everyone and everything, and it trickles in all areas of your life.

And they control you with

Yeah.

And so, you know, when I, when I wrote within, it was like this powerful thing and I ended up, I was only gonna write a chapter on it and I ended up writing like five chapters relating to it because it just goes so deep.

So I, I wanna point out that it's not just like, Oh, we're awake into it now. So it must have just started like, this is a multi, multi deep generational trauma. And, , I hate to say they did their best. Maybe they were start, , they weren't quite awakened. To say the least we can, , hold them accountable and have compassion for them at the same time.

Do you agree and can you talk on that? Yeah,

We did an an, I had a influencer job for an ancestry DNA thing, so I took it mm-hmm. , and I was, and she had always told me I'm half Italian and half French. So I was like, okay, I'm Italian, like not a like Italian in Inmy. I'm croat. My and my mom's adopted mom went to Croatia for summers. And it was interesting because we, for some reason, me and my husband were driving, um, to Tahoe and something reminded me of my, of my grandfather, who I didn't call my grandfather, her dad.

And we never really had a relationship with him. Like when I was younger and we would go visit my grandmother, he wasn't there ever until he got Alzheimer's and they were living together again. Like I don't even remember them living together. And I don't know if they were broken up, like I was never told any of them.

But what we realized that she did tell me the one story about him was that she was at a party. With his daughters, who are her sisters, who she has no contact with. And he had introduced his daughters. And then he had introduced my mom, Drina, his adopted daughter. And I was like, and my, my husband had pointed out, he's like, How traumatic as a kid to like be pushed to the side like that?

And then I realized, I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm the, She has three children and I'm the one that's always pushed to the side. They had three children, she was pushed to the side. I didn't fit her mold. I'm the different one. I'm the black sheep, whatever you wanna call it. Yeah. And I was like, that's interesting.

And then when I got the ancestry dna, I was like, Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This goes back like generation upon generation with my ancestors and like I started really digging and healing that ancestral trauma. . It's amazing how much of that in our SAC role we carry.

And we pick up on all that and it makes me feel like. I have such a huge responsibility to like healed all that. So my children have like zero of it, but I know that's not reality. But it . It's just as long as that's the mo, the motivation, I think that I'll definitely be doing a better part and breaking the ancestral patterns there.

I know it was

So I took a deep breath and I was like, Okay, why? Why did that just trigger you? And I was like, How are you gonna be a better mom than me? I wanna hear and. She was like, You know, I'm gonna get my kids candy. I was like, . And I was like, ok. And I was like, What else? And she was like, I'm gonna let 'em have candy for breakfast.

I'm gonna let 'em be free. And she said, And I was like, Okay. And I was like, Yeah, I mean, all we can do is continue each generation to be better mamas. Right? That's how it works. And I was like, So you'll be a better mom than me and your kids will be a better mom than you. And then we're gonna get it right in like four generations down the way.

She started, she kinda looked at me funny and she goes, I love you. You're a great mom. And she goes, You're always here. And I was like, Just gonna ugly cry right now, . But it's just those little things that, you know, we put so much pressure on ourselves when we have that motherhood wound to Yeah. Over exuberant.

And we have to be so careful because I've noticed a lot, and I've seen a lot within myself and within my clients, that a codependency can. Be from us swinging too much. On the other side of the pendulum, we make our children responsible for our emotional needs that were never met by our parents. Mm-hmm.

and that slippery slope.

Yeah. Because, yeah, you feel so guilty, or you feel like you have to do the complete opposite. Mm-hmm. . But you have to develop strong humans. And sometimes that is still uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean that you're being a mean mom, like, you know, may trigger within you because of your mother wound. But

Asking yourself before you make decisions. We don't really allow ourselves to pause, right? We're always like, Oh, I gotta respond, or You're thinking of your response. Well, the other person's still talking instead of truly like holding space and hearing them. And what changed my life was being able to ask myself after any relationship with my, even with my husband, with my children, with anything I do, because I carry this wound and abandonment wound so deeply, I would ask.

Are you answering from love or are you answering from fear? And when I first started doing this, I, nine times out of 10, I was answering from fear and I didn't even realize it, but I had to tap into that subconscious area. And the only way to do that is to pause and we don't give ourselves that space.

Mm. And so somatics was huge for me practicing and there's so much, so many resources online for somatics with the motherhood wound in particular, the fatherhood wound too. Um, but really tapping into where in my body was I storing this because so often we wanna. First go to the head and the thoughts. And really when we're healing this deep of a trauma, it's physiological.

And so to listen to our emotions and to listen to our body responses is such a practice within itself. And when I realized this and I was able to separate. My thoughts from my emotions and be like, Okay, this is triggering me. Where in my body am I triggered? Okay, I feel like I'm gonna throw up. This is my solar plexus for sure.

This is my confidence. This is all here. I need to really sit down. And it was like carving out time to do like solar plexus massage and like allowing myself to cry. Which, I mean, how often do we sit and be like, Okay, I'm gonna spend an hour crying. Like I would send my schedule, you know, ,

I'm just gonna go. She was like telling her kids, I'm just gonna go take like really good, like 15, 30 minute really hard cry and then I'll be back and then I'll, whatever it was, I was like, Yeah, that's it. Can we ever say that? Never. We don't ever

Now we feel it with sex. We fill it with drugs, we fill it with alcohol, we fill it with all the wrong things, right? Shopping, whatever it can be, anything. We'd have to fill that void. . We started, uh, Really analyzing, Okay, this void is here.

What can I fill this void with right now? Is it that I need to listen to a good podcast? Do I need to read a book? Do I need to sit and meditate just for five minutes? Do I need to take a bubble bath? But it was like these small acts of self care to have. Input to fill that void with positive things. And sometimes, I mean, I, when I first started my journey, it was really, I would put, for me, yoga would save my life, and so I would lay out my yoga mat and I couldn't move because I wasn't strong enough yet and I wasn't teaching at the time.

I was just really frail in general. Fitfully mentally, and I would just lay on my mat and just like lay and I would feel my body, I would feel my fingertips and more do like Yoga Ninja and like just tap into like feeling my body that I hadn't felt in so long. Because a lot of times you're like, Yeah, I have a void.

I don't know what it needs. Right? So we have to learn to listen first. .

I don't need food afterwards. I don't eat a mom or a dad or a sibling. You good? I'm good. Let's just stay here

Like I would walk into a room and they do a lot of humor, right? But it's. It's mocking. And when I was younger, I was just acceptable. So I'd like walk into a room and they would call me like low nipples and, you know, all these things. And then I got a boob job like down the world because I had low nipples.

You know, like, so it was like all of these things that had been programmed into me to hate my body, to hate every I had psoriasis. I had, you know, I, I was blind. I had all, my mom had to put butterflies on the slider. Like it was just all these things that I was constantly made fun. When I really got deep into yoga, it taught me discipline because I had never had str I, I had either abusive discipline, which is very, very different.

Right? Control. Yeah. And so then I went the other way of the pendulum again and went straight to rebelling, drinking, partying, going out all the time, having no rules. Having no structure. I was like, Larry, raise kids. You're not gonna have rules. They. Free. That doesn't work here. But you know, that was my mindset when I was younger because I was so, like, wasn't allowed to do anything and I was like, if you would just let me go to the pizza parlor, I wouldn't do anything.

We would just go to the pizza parlor and come home. But like my dad would, or mom would show up in a car, like outside of the pizza parlor, you know, it was just like, So much control that no one wanted to hang out with me. I had no friends, so my body, me, I was never safe. I was never liked, I was always rejected.

And so that was one thing for me, that yoga, it was so much more than just a workout. It was like discipline for the first time in my life and like truly having to. Learn my body's limits and what I liked and what I didn't like, and learning what felt good in my own body. Yeah. And then sitting with it like you have to sit with step and yoga, and that was really uncomfortable for me at first.

And it's okay. You know that mud won't hurt you it.

Then you're like, Oh my god, this, Can I do more? Can I do more mud baths? Cuz this was amazing. Like that out. I got this out. I got that out. I'm feeling better. .

And welcome it. Yeah. It's, And you know, it's amazing now, to me, I think this is so badass. I think it's so cool that now, you know, and it's funny, we don't notice it till we're in it. Right. I, I've had so many uncomfortable things happen that, you know, especially with this. This retrograde with the Six Planet tool, it's kicking my ass.

But this retrograde in specific, a lot of things have come up for me that I was like, I've dealt with that. And I'm like, Ooh, ooh, that stings a little, That kind of hurts. And I, I've really had to like example, driving with my daughter. I had to, I'm able now to sit back and be like, What do I, What do I need to work on here?

Cause there's something, this person's pissing me off. It's clearly mirroring to me something that I have not done yet. I need to sit with it. And before I would've never done that. I would've just been defensive, been reactive. And so it's magical to be like, Oh, I like noticed that. This is like an ongoing journey the rest of my life now.

Yeah.

So us, you know, needing to be healed before we start. Is kind of a very similar vibration as where the narcissists are at those who are on the spectrum, not the sociopaths and the horrible malignant ones. Um, but those who just are operating out of their own wounds and their own egos, and they're immediately defensive.

You know, so you looking at them like they, you are dealing right now with an emotional toddler, so no matter what age they. . So just bearing that in mind, this is what an expected reaction you're going to get. Yeah. So if you can sit with yourself, then you can sit with them again. If, depending on where your communication levels are with this person, then you know you can, you can either completely be comfortable with not reacting to them or holding

Yeah, and I, I just got a huge download too. I, my, so when I was actively still, you know, trying to do the dance with both my parents, um, it was interesting because my. Oldest child I actually had with a diagnosed sociopath and yeah, he went to the Marines and he got diagnosed with ptsd.

Very sick man. Mm-hmm. . Um, he hasn't been in our life in a long time. He actually popped up this Mercury retro good too. Um, first time in nine years. Yeah. Fun. Wow. So, you know, it's a, I I wanna point out that if we don't do the inner work, we keep repeating the patterns with different. with the same behavior.

So for me, it was my mom and dad, right? That was my starting point. And then it was like, all these men that I would date were either, you know, like, you know, my child's father diagnosed by a psychiatrist, a sociopath. Um, and I, I wanna point out to something because people here are sociopath and I think like murder, it's actually just a lack of being able to feel any empathy for anyone or anything.

So they don't, they can't. Incapable of feeling. Um, so you could be sitting there with a sliced wrist leaping to the ground crying and they would be like, That's, that's nice. You know, like they just can't. Yeah. So just point blank. Cause I know that word gets, you know, a lot of the words get kind of up a little bit, you know?

Um,

So when we have feeling actually really safe, Is a whole new dimension and uncomfortable and vulnerable, and you feel literally naked at first when you're around safe, healthy people. You're like, This isn't real. You're fake. You're, you know, I remember talking when I first started attracting these amazing women in my life, I was like, No way.

No way are you. Like, you were so fake. And then, and it took me probably a year of like surrounding myself with these people that really pulled out these. Triggers and these abandonments and then like, and I would notice, I would like leave a coffee date and I'd feel the need to text them right afterwards because I said too much, or I overshared or something happened that made me feel like, Oh, I shouldn't have said that.

I need to apologize. And so I'd text and apologize and these women think, God still with me today in my try. But would be like, Why are you saying sorry for like, I don't know. I just, I felt really uncomfortable.

Like that's gonna come back and bite me in the butt. I better like

Yeah. For living .

Yes. Um, yeah, it's like testing. Experiencing life in new skin, in a new emotional skin. Mm-hmm. and testing the waters, but, and that's okay. That's just part of the experiment of life. Yeah.

Especially when you're the one choosing to fit. Like, you know, it's just when we really step out of it, bird's eye view and realize like, Hey, okay, I can be a little more gentle with myself.

Yeah. So I feel like we can really use this as a superpower if we learn how to channel it correctly.

And re mother your own self.

You're not cutting people off and being resentful at them, you're cutting people off to have your own space and heal. And so for me, a lot of people are like, Whoa, that's gonna come back to you and they're gonna cut you in another life. And, and I hear this crap all the time and I just wanna point out if someone is unhealthy and unwilling to work on themselves or see their part in it, it is perfectly okay to cut the cord and raise them with forgiveness and be done.

Like you, you don't have to play the game. You can change the dance. And when they wanna get help and when they wanna come back, that's fine. That's great if you are in a space, but there comes a time that you have to put yourself first. And so three exercises, because yes, we can talk about forgiveness, we can talk about taking your power back, but what does that mean?

Like how do we do that? Okay. Because. That sounds great, but , for someone sitting there that's in, you know, currently under the thumb, it's, it feels impossible. Mm-hmm. .

So three things that like changed my life with this is whoever the person is, whoever that you're struggling with, the relationship with, whether it's a partner or a mother or father, sibling, whoever it is.

You write them a letter and you write, you start off with a fuck you letter. So you are like getting your emotions out and you don't feel bad about it either. It's like, fuck you for never being the fuck you for, You know, like angry, right? Like you're ripping the paper, you're pissed off, you're getting it out, and after that you burn it, you'll release it, and then you write a real letter like you would write to.

Dear mom, I, I'm so hurt that you did this to me and da, da da da da. I'm mad that you let your husband molest me into, I'm mad that I found out in my thirties about it. I'm mad that da da da. I'm mad that you lied my whole life. I'm mad. You know, and you go through and you write this letter. And then after the letter, and I, I walk through this in my book too, uh, for details.

And I think the first 30 pages is free on Kindle. So the exercise should be there, like a letter example. Mm-hmm. . Um, and then the next one is you write a response letter from your parent and. Is where it gets tricky. So you write the letter and then you respond as your parent, your sibling, your boyfriend, whoever it is, would respond to you.

And when you respond to that letter, you have to dig deep. And it's like this level of compassion that you don't know is there. And you're like, Oh gosh, I feel attacked by this letter. I'm, you know, dah, dah. I would never do that. You gotta really like kind of embody the other person, which puts us in their shoes, right?

Yeah. And the things that come up when we're able to act, and by this third letter, you're, you should be able to be flowing through your subconscious mind if you're writing them back to back to back. So by this third letter, you can go back and you start to look at the age that your abuse started. What was the person who was the.

What was their life like? So for me, my mom had been through three marriages. She had been, she had cheated, she had been cheated on, she had been chased with a knife at her work. Someone had stolen her purse, like all these traumatic events had happened back to back to back. She got pregnant at 19. She was adopted.

She had this huge gaping father wound. And when I started really analyzing her life on things that I had never looked, . A part of me for eh, inkling of a second was like, Oh, shit, that's heavy. Like, that's heavy. And then to bring three kids in the world, I would only be able to do one too. That's, that's a lot.

Single mom working through Jo. Like that's that's a lot. Yeah. And it, for a minute, it gave me the space to be like, I get it. Like you, my dad was abusive to you. You couldn't take it. You hated him. I can relate to that. I hate my oldest father. I, I, I, There we go. We, we empathized right there, right? Like we connected on something.

Although she has no idea we're connecting and so, but I could make that core connection and I was like, Okay, I can feel that. I can feel. that I couldn't be around that. And you had no choice because I, he had full custody of me. So you, the only way that you could possibly live with a child as a basic mom, you know, like you automatically have that love for a child, even if you're a narcist, there's still a layer of love.

It just comes off as very different. Yeah. Um, , but it was, I was able to see why she had to cut that off with me emotionally. Parent. It was a mother-daughter connection because it would've killed her otherwise. Yeah. And so when I was disabled, and I understand that, I was like, Oh. And then I got older and it was like you A 13, Oh no, I guess I was 15.

A 15 year old was born into your lap. Well, I had the mother one very clearly. I had been raised by my dad. I was exactly like my dad. I had triggered the shit up. My mom, I exactly like him, right? Yeah. And so all of these things, and these manism started coming to me, and I've came to this space of.

Compassion and understanding, not enabling the behavior, saying it's right, but I was able to tap into this space of, okay, you know, you're still fucked up for what you did, but I get it. I understand it. I am able to forgive you because I understand it. I still, the fact that you're still like this, I can't have you in my life.

I can't have you in my children's life. I get it and I released you with love, like full love. And like I want you to live a good life. I want you to live your happily ever after because you never got that. And so for me it was just this space of release and freedom with those three letters and it, it's such a simplistic practice, but when you're in it, I'm telling you what it can take.

Oh man. Hours upon hours. And when you're done, you need a nap. Like you are exhausted, You're done. Cuz your brain goes places that you didn't even know you could go.

Absolutely. Thank you for sharing those. Really very powerful. I

Thank you.

And then my book within which has all of these healing modalities and much, much more, , is wherever books are sold.

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I didn't say that you're too sensitive. No one will ever believe you.

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