"It's only helpful if they want help" w/ Jane Paul of Children's Resources on Wheels

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Welcome to Barnyard Language.

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We are Katie and Arlene, an Iowa

sheep farmer and an Ontario dairy

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farmer with six kids, two husbands,

and a whole lot of chaos between us.

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So kick off your boots, reheat

your coffee, and join us for some

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Barnyard Language, honest talk about

running farms and raising families.

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In case your kids haven't already learned

all the swears from being in the barn,

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it might be a good idea to put on some

headphones or turn down the volume.

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While many of our guests

are professionals, they

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aren't your professionals.

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If you need personalized

advice, consult your people.

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Hello everyone and welcome to Season

3 of the Barnyard Language Podcast.

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Season 3!

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We're actually, like, continuing

to do the thing that we started,

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which, I think for Katie and I,

is an impressive accomplishment.

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We had an idea and we followed through.

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These are the critical steps.

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And we keep doing it.

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That's all Arlene.

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No, it's not stop giving

me all the credit.

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I have never edited an episode

So it wouldn't have come

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out if it wasn't for you.

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So we each have our strengths, right?

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That's true.

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It's kind of a chicken and the egg thing.

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Yes, exactly Yeah, we each

do the things and then ta da.

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There's a podcast.

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So anyway, thank you for coming back

Thank you for listening and for all your

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support in the last two years and we're

really excited about all the guests that

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we have already talked to for season three

and the people that we're talking about

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talking to and trying to get Scheduled

and do all of that kind of stuff.

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So we've got a lot of fun people coming up

But normally we do an update and we have

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like the whole month of August where we

didn't talk to you guys about what we were

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Doing so Katie what happened in August?

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Way back when uh That was

like a month ago, Arlene.

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That is true.

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Um, actually it was

like six weeks ago now.

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A month and a half at this point.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Um, it was hot.

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And then it got hotter.

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And then it got hotter.

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And then the kids went back to school.

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While it was still hot?

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And then...

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Well, it was still hot.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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They, uh, actually got early outs the

first three days of school because it

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was so damn hot that even with the air

conditioning, the school was not safe.

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Ooh, fancy.

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Their school has air conditioning.

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Yeah.

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Well, only the elementary school does.

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Does.

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So, I guess probably they

were slightly concerned about

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the high schoolers as well.

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Um, contrary to popular opinion,

teenagers are actually people.

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And they are also, um,

susceptible to things like dying.

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So, that's a thing.

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Um, The one real excitement, I

guess, was that my husband won

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tickets to see Robert O'Keene in San

Antonio on about two weeks notice.

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So we very impulsively flew

to Texas for a long weekend.

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And, uh, Saw Robert Earl Keene.

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With children or without?

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Without, thank God.

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Oh, no children.

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I love my children, but the idea of the

boy child on the San Antonio Riverwalk,

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for those not acquainted, there is no

fencing or railing or anything to keep

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people on a walk and out of the river.

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Caite: And although the river is

apparently less than five feet deep,

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um, I still would not want to be fishing

my children out of it repeatedly.

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It would probably be very tempting.

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So, yeah.

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Uh, we saw the Alamo, which was cool.

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And, Um, I bought some new

cowboy boots, which was cool.

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And we ate some barbecue, which

was awesome, and I drank a lot

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of margaritas, which was amazing.

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As you do.

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And by a lot, I mean it was like

in one sitting, but it was 32

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ounces, which is a great idea.

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Did you get one of those giant

commemorative cups or you

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just drank a really big one?

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No, but they served it in a shaker.

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Okay.

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And it was one of those where part

of being an adult is remembering that

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just because you're really thirsty

and just because the margarita

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tastes really good does not mean

that the tequila has magically

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vanished from being in the margarita.

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Right.

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And that you should slow the fuck down,

drink some water, and wait till your food

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comes before you hammer down any more.

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Got it.

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So it wasn't just the brain freeze.

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Or you will regret it later.

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Yeah, no, it was a very

good margarita though.

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My...

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Parents were both here visiting

this weekend, which was interesting.

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And my aunt, my dad, and my aunt both

live in western Pennsylvania, and

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my dad had never been here to visit.

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So they drove out, and my mom drove

up, and we took family photos, and had

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a whole house full of people, which

was fun, but also a lot, because we

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got back from Texas Tuesday night.

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And people started

showing up Friday morning.

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Right.

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And so for clarification, your

mom and dad are not together.

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No.

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So this was a visit where they

were hanging out, but haven't been

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in the same place for a while.

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Like decades?

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Um, this was the second time in my

life that I've spent more than a meal.

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Together with them.

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No, my dad was not in attendance was

not able to attend my wedding, right?

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Yeah, so this was a Was a whole thing

Yeah My kids I think now believe that

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they do have a second grandfather.

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There's been a lot of arguing About it

because it's been a few years since we've

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been able to visit with you know The Cove

it and the farm and the jobs and the kids

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Yeah, yeah So that was good, but trying

to do that much travel and that much

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visiting and, uh, work and the farm and,

and, and, and, you know, two little kids.

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Uh, we also bought a new car

last month, which was exciting.

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Um, I don't think either of us would

have said that we would ever actually

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purchase a new vehicle, but with the

prices of used vehicles right now, a new

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vehicle was, Very competitively priced.

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Let's put it that way.

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Yeah, it used to be that buying used

you'd get a deal and now it doesn't even

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seem like that really is a thing so much.

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Yeah, so our car has a thousand

miles on it and we put all but I

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think twelve of those on ourselves.

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So that was pretty cool.

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Um, and it was a new joy that neither of

us had ever experienced to just hop in the

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car to drive to the airport in Minneapolis

without Any thought as to how well our

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vehicle might do in that circumstance.

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Um, that was a nice change of pace to not

have to concern ourselves with whether it

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was a bad idea to make a three hour drive.

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But did you think about whether

it might get stolen from the

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parking lot of the airport?

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Because it was actually

a new car this time.

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I didn't actually, but there

was enough gravel dust on

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it that it doesn't look new.

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Right, yeah, it didn't look quite as

nice as some of the ones beside it.

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We unfortunately did already let our

children in it, so it does not smell new

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or look particularly new at this point.

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It happens fast.

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Yes, it really does,

but that was enjoyable.

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Uh, what's been up in your world, Earline?

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Yeah, so like you said, August

seems like a long time ago,

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but yes, my oldest moved away.

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Arlene: So I know we've been

talking about this for a while,

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but she moved to university.

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So that was exciting for her and a bit

sad for my husband and I, of course,

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the boys People, a few people have asked

what her brothers think, and I think

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sometimes they notice that she's gone.

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Um, I was going to say, have

they noticed that she's gone, or?

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Some of the, some of the time, yeah.

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I mean, she does spend

a lot of time working.

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Um, or, you know, she has, she can

drive, or she's, she could be out

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with friends, or sometimes she's

in her room, or whatever, and so.

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There are sometimes days that

go by where their paths don't

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necessarily cross all that often.

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Um, but I think they've

noticed that she's gone.

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So they're not too distraught about it.

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But, um, yeah, my husband and I

are definitely missing her a lot.

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But it's fun to, uh, To get caught

up with what she's doing and get

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pictures and texts and stuff.

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So it is nice to be in the cell

phone era where we can kind of

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be in touch whenever we want and

FaceTime and all that kind of stuff.

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So we went on Labor Day weekend,

um, just my husband and daughter

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and I and uh, we moved her in.

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Just the, just the three of us, which

was both a logistical in terms of having

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room for all the things in the minivan

and also just time wise, it felt like

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having her brothers around would mean

that things were rushed or they might be,

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you know, impatient to do other things

when that was kind of the main task.

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So we were able to spend lots of

time helping her set up a room and go

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to Wal Mart and grab the last meal.

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That's a few things that she forgot

or, or things that she wanted to wait

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until she saw what the room looked like

before she bought, things like that.

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So yeah, it was a really nice weekend

that we got to spend together.

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And then we left her there and we,

um, visited friends on the way home.

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So that was nice too, to kind

of soften the blow a little bit.

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And we're getting used to, uh, having

her being a little further away.

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The rest of August feels like

it was a lot of same as what I

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was saying in July, cow shows.

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So there was several fairs and.

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Um, our county hosting show

and things like that in there,

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we did get a few days off.

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We didn't really get a vacation this

year, but we went and stayed one

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night at my parents cottage and we

went to a water park another day.

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So just little things to kind of break up

the monotony of milk cows, feed people.

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Peacocks.

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That, that feels like it just is on

a bit of a hamster wheel sometimes.

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Did lots of swimming, because

there's lots of lakes and small

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beaches and things around here.

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So the boys are being the

stretch of ages that they are.

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Sometimes it's hard to find activities

they all enjoy, but they're 8, 12, and

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15, and they all like to swim still.

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So that's something that Probably three

or four, sometimes five, depending how

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hot it was, days a week, we would go to

the local beach or one of the other lakes

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nearby and get some swimming in, so.

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Or our lovely neighbors

who let us use their pool.

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That's a bonus too.

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We can just walk across the road.

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So that is a bonus And they were busy

cutting grass and doing barn chores and

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that kind of stuff My 15 year old has

been learning how to drive a little bit.

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So that's a thing that we're working

on He's gonna take some extra support.

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So we found a Kind of a semi retired

driving instructor who has experience

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working with people who have

Exceptionalities and so she's been

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working with him on learning how to

drive So we actually have an extra

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brake pedal in our minivan, which is

good for for us But also for people

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who want to play practical jokes who

might be sitting in the passenger seat

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of our minivan It's happened a few

times But yeah, that's an added bonus

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of doing it kind of privately and on

the side and being able to find someone

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who is willing to work with us on that.

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So, that's been exciting and

a little scary, but another

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step along the way, right?

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There's got to be a special place

in heaven for driving instructors.

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And especially folks who retire

and then choose to do it.

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Yeah, yeah, exactly.

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It's definitely not an easy job

and you have to pretend that

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you're calm and chill about it.

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Yeah, I think those are the kind

of the main things for August.

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Um, So our guest for this week is a

returning guest, which is exciting.

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She was one of our very first few

guests on the podcast and we're excited

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to be able to talk to her again.

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Um, another thing that we want to let

people know about is that we're starting

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to dabble in the world of trying to

actually make a bit of money or at least

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cover our costs is more, more like it.

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And when it comes to making the podcast,

so for our American listeners, if you're

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a fan of brooder toys, like Katie is,

we now have a code that you can use.

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So if you're going to buy a brooder toys

for your kids for a birthday or Christmas

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or any occasion, and you live in the

States, you can use the code that we're

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going to put in the show notes and we'll

have it on our social media as well.

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Just click that code.

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It's not a discount code, but if

you're going to buy the stuff anyway.

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Then we get a little cut

of the money on that.

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So that is exciting for us.

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And as the year goes on, we're

hoping to get some sponsors.

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So you might end up hearing some

commercials on here, but know that we're

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only going to work with people that we

use their product, like their product, or

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they have similar values to us in terms

of being in part of the egg family space.

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So that's what we're looking for.

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And if you have a company and

you'd like to sponsor us or talk

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to us or hear an ad on our show.

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Then you can, uh, get in touch, because we

would be happy to talk to you about that.

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As far as the Bruder

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toys, I can put in a very personal

plug, I buy a lot of them.

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Um, they do tend to be a little

spendier than some of the others,

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but they're a lot better built.

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And my personal favorite part,

they sell replacement parts.

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So when your kid does like my kid and

puts so many miles on the excavator

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that the tracks stretch and fall

off, you can buy replacement tracks.

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You can buy replacement Forklift forks

for all the times that those get lost.

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Um, they sell replacement steering wheels.

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Their little people are actually

jointed in a way that they can, uh,

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you know, fit any equipment, unlike the

GI Joe that we tried who did not fit.

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Um, And they generally seem to be a nice

company, and they have a lot of little

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YouTube videos that are child friendly.

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And equipment that actually

is modeled after real farm

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equipment, which is nice too.

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It's not, it actually has

functionality and is authentic

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because we know that our little carpet

farmers are big on authenticity.

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If it's not the right equipment, they're

going to have something to say about it.

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Oh yes.

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Oh yes.

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If you are not blessed with a child

who is very detail oriented, um, I

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can send you some videos of my kids.

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Uh, it is very important to them

that their toys be accurate.

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Everything is just so.

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Alright, well we will introduce

our guest for this week, and

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thanks for joining us again.

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Thanks for coming back.

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So today we are talking to Jane Paul,

who was one of our very first guests

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on the podcast way back when we started

and lives not all that far away from

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Eastern, from me in Eastern Ontario.

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So Jane, you know that we start

our interview with the same

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question, but things might have

changed since the last time.

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So we'll ask you again,

what are you growing?

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So, we're the older generation now.

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I'm not quite sure when that happened,

but we are now the old folks on the farm.

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So, our farm is succeeding

to the next generation.

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Jane: Uh, we have a big, well, maple

syrup keeps the whole farm going.

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So, uh, that's the big one.

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It's the money maker in here.

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Um, when I was, more a part of the farm.

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We also did a little bit of cash crop

in there and we had beef cattle as well.

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So that's sort of what we are right now.

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Uh, we're sitting back, still

waiting for these golden years

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that are supposed to be coming.

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Haven't found them yet, but, uh,

we're sitting back watching, uh,

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the younger folk take over and

just going in and giving our, our,

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our really sage advice in there.

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Right.

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Sure.

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Yeah, they need it once in a while.

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And since we last talked,

are you also a grandparent?

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Is that true?

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I am a grandparent.

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Now, we stole some grandchildren early on.

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Um, so we, we've always had

lots of kids around here.

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Uh, but my middle child, my eldest

daughter, uh, had a little girl

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who is now coming on 15 months and

I gotta tell ya, it is wonderful.

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And she is an outdoors farm kid

already, right from the get go.

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Not that she has much of a choice

with her two parents, I guess.

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So they're nearby?

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They are.

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They're close enough, they're far enough

that we can't see what they're doing.

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They're about 15 minutes away.

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Um, but they're close enough that,

uh, we see lots of each other.

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And we get to have her on

Fridays, which is wonderful.

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Oh, that's a good balance.

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: 00:16:35

Not all day, every day, but

uh, lots of exposure too.

312

: 00:16:41

Arlene: Absolutely.

313

: 00:16:43

So, you have a ton of experience,

both in parenting and working with

314

: 00:16:48

children in your job with the, well now

it's called the Ontario, or Early On,

315

: 00:16:54

formerly the Ontario Early Years Centre.

316

: 00:16:56

Um, so Jane is a parent educator

and has also been a playgroup

317

: 00:17:00

facilitator and has done lots of

work with families in our area.

318

: 00:17:05

So, it's kind of always hard

to know where to start when...

319

: 00:17:08

I talk to Jane because I want to

ask her a million and one questions,

320

: 00:17:11

but today we're going to try and

focus our discussions around Sibling

321

: 00:17:16

relationships, because we're going into

summer at the time that we're recording.

322

: 00:17:19

I'm not exactly sure when this is

going to come out, but whether or not

323

: 00:17:22

this is going to come out during your

summer break or someone else's summer

324

: 00:17:26

break, or maybe in September when the

kids are finally going back to school.

325

: 00:17:29

But there always seems to be a lot

of opportunities for, uh, sibling

326

: 00:17:33

relationship issues to happen with,

uh, little people in our houses

327

: 00:17:39

and even not so little people.

328

: 00:17:40

So I was going to start with one of the.

329

: 00:17:43

questions that a lot of people seem

to have when they're growing their

330

: 00:17:46

family, and that's about how to prepare

young or not so young children for the

331

: 00:17:50

arrival of a baby in their home, however

it happens to arrive in their house.

332

: 00:17:54

So what are some of your tips

that you have for that transition

333

: 00:17:58

when you're growing your family

and a new baby is coming?

334

: 00:18:01

I think that's a great question

because it really goes back to the

335

: 00:18:04

basics of what we teach with most

of our parenting courses, right?

336

: 00:18:08

Just going back and meeting the needs of

the child that's there so that some of the

337

: 00:18:13

behaviors just kind of disappear in there.

338

: 00:18:16

Jane: So if we go back to starting off by

just acknowledging those feelings, we have

339

: 00:18:21

a tendency as a culture to say, you know

what, when the, You know, when we have

340

: 00:18:25

a child that comes up and says, I hate

the baby to say, you don't hate the baby.

341

: 00:18:29

You'd love the baby, right?

342

: 00:18:32

But as soon as we deny those feelings,

they're now going to spend the

343

: 00:18:35

next hour proving to you that those

feelings are there and they're true.

344

: 00:18:39

So we can accept all feelings.

345

: 00:18:42

Feelings don't have a morality.

346

: 00:18:44

They're not right or wrong.

347

: 00:18:45

So you can hate the baby, but we

put boundaries on what you get to

348

: 00:18:49

do when you have those feelings.

349

: 00:18:52

So we go back to the old how to

talk, you know, four step program.

350

: 00:18:56

We're going to identify those feelings.

351

: 00:18:59

We're going to name them no matter

the age of the child, whether we're

352

: 00:19:02

talking about teenagers or whether

we're talking about, you know, little

353

: 00:19:06

ones that are two and three and four.

354

: 00:19:08

We're going to connect with them

and just acknowledge them, meet them

355

: 00:19:12

where they're at with their feelings.

356

: 00:19:14

So we're going to name it.

357

: 00:19:16

You can even do it with wishes.

358

: 00:19:17

So, you know, you wish.

359

: 00:19:19

The baby wasn't taking up

so much of mommy's time.

360

: 00:19:22

That's hard for you.

361

: 00:19:24

So we can name it that way.

362

: 00:19:25

We can even do it by helping

them do a symbolic or, or kind

363

: 00:19:29

of a creative, uh, act in there.

364

: 00:19:32

You know, our guys put

up signs on their doors.

365

: 00:19:35

When they have feelings that are

hard to deal with, they want to put

366

: 00:19:39

up those signs and let people know.

367

: 00:19:41

So, you know, you can have a child

put up a sign on their door saying,

368

: 00:19:44

private property, no babies allowed.

369

: 00:19:46

Just so that you're meeting them.

370

: 00:19:49

Where they're at in there, but then we

move on and and we talk about what the

371

: 00:19:53

problem is, you know, you can have those

feelings and you can feel that way.

372

: 00:19:58

But if there are hurtful actions involved,

you know, if we have a young child,

373

: 00:20:02

especially coming up and pinching the

baby or doing something like that, Those

374

: 00:20:06

hurtful actions need to be stopped.

375

: 00:20:08

And that's a theme you're going to hear

all the way through this today is that

376

: 00:20:12

when there are hurtful actions, we accept

the feelings, but we, you know, we step in

377

: 00:20:17

and we stop those actions from happening.

378

: 00:20:20

So what you really want to do is go

back again, just to meeting those needs,

379

: 00:20:24

you know, are the needs for connection,

are the needs for spending time with

380

: 00:20:28

mom or dad away from the baby, right?

381

: 00:20:31

We always parent with

warmth and structure.

382

: 00:20:34

Warmth being, um, making sure

kids feel safe and secure.

383

: 00:20:38

So this baby is not

taking the place of you.

384

: 00:20:42

It's not gonna, you know, move you

out of your position in the family.

385

: 00:20:46

Making sure that they're secure in that.

386

: 00:20:49

Um, with lots of love and actions and

physical touch in there and lots of

387

: 00:20:54

structure and structure is basically

just guidance and helping them figure out

388

: 00:20:59

where they're supposed to go from here

and how they're supposed to manage that.

389

: 00:21:03

It's also kind of looking through

their eyes so that we're seeing again

390

: 00:21:07

back to those feelings, how their

feelings because our feelings are

391

: 00:21:11

going to dictate our behaviors, right?

392

: 00:21:13

So.

393

: 00:21:14

All of that, just feeling safe and

secure, but describing the problem

394

: 00:21:18

that's going on here and then tell

them what they need to do, right?

395

: 00:21:22

We need to state the expectation that we

have for their behavior at this point.

396

: 00:21:28

Now we're, as again, as a culture,

we're really great at telling

397

: 00:21:31

people what they're doing wrong.

398

: 00:21:33

I don't know how many times I've

been told, don't do this, don't

399

: 00:21:37

do that, and I'm 65, right?

400

: 00:21:39

And I still get that.

401

: 00:21:41

I don't need you to tell me

not to do this, I need you to

402

: 00:21:44

tell me what to do instead.

403

: 00:21:46

So, put in the front of their brain

what it is you want them to do, and that

404

: 00:21:52

cuts down a lot of thinking for them,

especially if they're in a heightened

405

: 00:21:56

emotional state over this baby, right?

406

: 00:21:59

So we're just going to make it

really easy for them and tell

407

: 00:22:01

them what it is they need to do.

408

: 00:22:02

And if they do it, we're going to describe

what they did and praise them for that.

409

: 00:22:06

Thank you so much for going

and getting the diapers for me.

410

: 00:22:10

The baby was crying and that

sound was bothering you.

411

: 00:22:13

Now we can give the baby a dry bottom

and maybe she won't cry so much.

412

: 00:22:18

So, it's that kind of stuff that goes in

there and, and any way you can involve

413

: 00:22:23

the, the first child with the care of

the second child, not being onerous and

414

: 00:22:28

not making them the parent, but just

so that they feel like they, you know,

415

: 00:22:33

they're the, the big sibling in the

room that can help out and we're valuing

416

: 00:22:37

what they're bringing to the table,

often things that the baby can't do.

417

: 00:22:42

Right?

418

: 00:22:42

The baby can't get up and

go and run and get diapers.

419

: 00:22:45

The baby can't go and bring you the phone.

420

: 00:22:47

The baby can't do all

those things, but you can.

421

: 00:22:50

You know, you're the big, big

brother or sister in there.

422

: 00:22:54

And then, not only do we

value their actions, but their

423

: 00:22:57

thoughts about the whole thing.

424

: 00:22:59

Right, and so when we connect and

we acknowledge those feelings, we're

425

: 00:23:02

valuing those thoughts in there.

426

: 00:23:04

And if you can, give them

their wishes in fantasy.

427

: 00:23:06

Wouldn't it be nice if that baby

would just go to sleep and you and

428

: 00:23:09

I could have some time together?

429

: 00:23:11

Wouldn't that be awesome?

430

: 00:23:13

However, doesn't look like he's

ready yet, so we gotta work on

431

: 00:23:17

this together to get through.

432

: 00:23:18

Right, and then of course you

mentioned about being a grandparent.

433

: 00:23:22

Bring in the grandparents, bring in

the aunts and uncles, let them spoil

434

: 00:23:26

the little baby, and you go ahead

and take time with that other child.

435

: 00:23:31

That's part of being a grandfather.

436

: 00:23:33

So, Jane is, as someone who was

literally already this morning having a

437

: 00:23:40

discussion with their friend about, you

know, my kiddos are five and six now.

438

: 00:23:44

Caite: And, For me, right now, the most

frustrating part is that they're able to

439

: 00:23:50

act like humans so much of the time that

then when they don't, it's just like,

440

: 00:23:56

what the fuck's the matter with you?

441

: 00:23:58

You know, and so like, the girl child

yesterday came screaming and crying up to

442

: 00:24:03

me and she goes, brother hurt my feelings.

443

: 00:24:07

And so I'm, I'm expecting like a real

emotional moment and it turns out

444

: 00:24:11

that what he had done was not let her

pick what they were watching on TV.

445

: 00:24:16

And so, you know, this, I'm wondering

what tips you have for remembering it

446

: 00:24:19

just because they sometimes have the

words for more emotional development

447

: 00:24:25

or occasionally, you know, they're sort

of on the cusp of that development,

448

: 00:24:30

how we can remember that they're not.

449

: 00:24:34

Arlene: Actually there, and I have the

feeling that teenagers are probably the

450

: 00:24:37

same problem, that it's, they act like

humans, but they're not really humans yet.

451

: 00:24:44

Because that's, yeah, that seems to be a

spot where they can really act less mature

452

: 00:24:48

even than, uh, yeah, when they're out in

the world with their friends or at school.

453

: 00:24:54

Jane: I think that's

a great way to put it.

454

: 00:24:56

Less mature.

455

: 00:24:57

That's a very kind, politically

correct way to talk about it.

456

: 00:25:01

I was speaking with a friend who does,

uh, who works in the same area that I do.

457

: 00:25:06

And we were talking about.

458

: 00:25:08

Basically this, that at times

where kids are becoming more

459

: 00:25:12

independent, those are times of

separation and development, right?

460

: 00:25:16

So they're separating and they're

becoming their own person.

461

: 00:25:19

And she had a great way to put it.

462

: 00:25:21

She says, Yeah, sometimes they just

become assholes to be able to do that.

463

: 00:25:26

And, and I think there's a truth in that.

464

: 00:25:29

Um, I guess the big part in there is...

465

: 00:25:34

Treat them uniquely and on their own.

466

: 00:25:37

But when it comes to, you know, kids

fighting with each other or being unkind

467

: 00:25:42

with each other, we kind of divide it

into about four different sections.

468

: 00:25:47

The first one is, you know,

what you're talking about, that

469

: 00:25:49

normal bickering between kids,

back and forth, back and forth.

470

: 00:25:53

Um, It's not something you

really have to worry about it.

471

: 00:25:57

Nobody's going to get hurt in there.

472

: 00:25:59

So, you know, the thought is

think about your next vacation.

473

: 00:26:03

Think about your next trip away,

and we're just going to let the

474

: 00:26:06

kids work it out themselves.

475

: 00:26:08

They get to experience

conflict resolution.

476

: 00:26:11

You know, they're going to figure out

how to do some of these skills in here.

477

: 00:26:16

Your, your situation, Kate, was

almost, I think, at a level two there.

478

: 00:26:20

Where it's starting to heat up because

we've got high emotions coming into

479

: 00:26:24

here and someone's feelings are

heard in there, you know, to them,

480

: 00:26:29

we see it as a little thing, right?

481

: 00:26:31

I mean, it's a TV show and most

of them are streamed anyway.

482

: 00:26:34

You can watch it again later

if you want to, but, uh.

483

: 00:26:38

To them, the little things are big things.

484

: 00:26:41

Whatever happening is right

now is all encompassing.

485

: 00:26:44

So to be able to see through their

eyes that this is the way it is

486

: 00:26:49

and to realize that for them,

this is absolutely devastating.

487

: 00:26:53

The world is falling apart.

488

: 00:26:55

It's going to end, you know,

I'm no longer important in this

489

: 00:26:58

world, et cetera, et cetera.

490

: 00:27:00

So when it starts to heat up.

491

: 00:27:02

I think we go back to that, those basics

that we just talked about, you acknowledge

492

: 00:27:06

those feelings in there, acknowledge

the upset, acknowledge the anger, the

493

: 00:27:11

frustration that's in there, reflect

on each kid's point of view, right?

494

: 00:27:16

If they're old enough, and you guys are

just kind of starting to get there, if

495

: 00:27:20

they're old enough to try and work this

out on their own, although you still

496

: 00:27:23

have an imbalance of power, right?

497

: 00:27:26

Because one is a little more

articulate than the other.

498

: 00:27:30

Um, so when you have that, you know, we,

we sort of get each child's point of view.

499

: 00:27:36

We describe the problem ourselves so

that they can see what the problem is.

500

: 00:27:40

And then, you know, we say, you know what,

I trust that you guys can figure this out.

501

: 00:27:44

Let me know what's going on.

502

: 00:27:45

We'll just take the remote control for the

moment until you have that figured out.

503

: 00:27:50

And as soon as you two have a

plan, come on back and see me and

504

: 00:27:53

you get that remote control back.

505

: 00:27:55

So it's, it's giving them again, a chance.

506

: 00:27:59

To not make you the referee that they can

actually start to work it out themselves.

507

: 00:28:04

But if it goes past that, then

we're into what we call level 3

508

: 00:28:08

and 4 when it comes to fighting.

509

: 00:28:10

And A level three, you know, there's

a possibility of some dangers, a

510

: 00:28:14

possibility somebody's going to get hit

or hurt by being pushed down or whatever.

511

: 00:28:19

So when it starts to get physical

like that or verbally, you know,

512

: 00:28:23

emotionally harsh, then, then

that can be dangerous too, right?

513

: 00:28:28

So that's when we step in and say,

Hey, whoa, whoa, what's going on here?

514

: 00:28:32

Sounds like you guys are upset.

515

: 00:28:34

Now she came to you.

516

: 00:28:36

So it's a little bit different, but if

you were to walk in on that argument

517

: 00:28:39

and you're worried that somebody's about

to pound someone else, then we step

518

: 00:28:43

in and we check in with them and say,

you know, hey, how's it going here?

519

: 00:28:47

You guys doing alright?

520

: 00:28:49

And both of them have to

say that things are okay.

521

: 00:28:53

for you to step back a bit.

522

: 00:28:54

If not, then that's when we

start to intervene in there.

523

: 00:28:58

So if they're not both in agreement with

what's going on, something has to change.

524

: 00:29:03

And if it goes further than that, if

it's actually dangerous and somebody is

525

: 00:29:07

going to get hurt in there, or You're

thinking that this is too rough or

526

: 00:29:12

the language is too inappropriate and

somebody's going to be, you know, morally

527

: 00:29:16

and emotionally hurt in there as well.

528

: 00:29:19

In our house, it was the S

word and the S word was stupid.

529

: 00:29:22

You weren't allowed to use

the S word in our house.

530

: 00:29:25

There's better ways to, to

manage yourselves in there.

531

: 00:29:28

So, in those cases, we step in if it's too

rough or if it's not safe and We basically

532

: 00:29:35

describe the problem that's going on

again, because we want them to know what

533

: 00:29:39

the issue is, and then we separate them.

534

: 00:29:42

You know, you're over

here, you're over there.

535

: 00:29:45

When we can figure this out, and

we do a little bit of problem

536

: 00:29:48

solving, then we're gonna, you know,

you guys can be together again.

537

: 00:29:51

But right now, that's not okay.

538

: 00:29:53

So, In the beginning, we, we don't

want to step in too quick because that

539

: 00:29:58

power for the kids, they need a chance

to figure out what their own power is.

540

: 00:30:03

If we want to raise strong

kids, um, we have to give them

541

: 00:30:08

a chance to use their power.

542

: 00:30:10

And, and up here in Canada, I think one

of the biggest mistakes we ever did was to

543

: 00:30:14

have zero tolerance in the schools, right?

544

: 00:30:16

Hands off, no touching each other.

545

: 00:30:19

How are kids supposed to know

where the boundaries are?

546

: 00:30:22

How are they supposed to

know where the limits are?

547

: 00:30:24

No, you're not allowed

to hurt someone else.

548

: 00:30:27

But it's by pushing your friend and having

them fall down and be upset with you

549

: 00:30:31

that you find out that that was too much.

550

: 00:30:33

So, I think, um, before we jump

in too quickly, give the kids

551

: 00:30:39

a chance to use their power.

552

: 00:30:41

Let them be that person

who is making decisions.

553

: 00:30:44

Let them be that person who

is Taking control so that they

554

: 00:30:48

figure out what the limits are.

555

: 00:30:50

If we don't give them a chance to do

that and to figure things out, I mean,

556

: 00:30:54

we're still going to hover on the edge,

especially with young kids, right?

557

: 00:30:57

Because sometimes that can go too much,

but they can't learn risk management.

558

: 00:31:02

They can't learn power and control

unless they get a chance to use it.

559

: 00:31:06

And, and I mean, I think we do it

from a kind place in our heart.

560

: 00:31:11

Everybody would like to have a day that

goes a little more smoothly, although in

561

: 00:31:15

the farming community, I'm not sure that

ever happens, but we need to, you know, we

562

: 00:31:20

do it because we think we are helping out.

563

: 00:31:23

Caite: But I think sometimes we

shoot ourselves in the foot when

564

: 00:31:27

we don't let kids try and figure

some of this out themselves.

565

: 00:31:32

I think that's a really interesting point,

Jane, because as an only child, too,

566

: 00:31:37

and because my kids are so close in age

and size, I feel it's easier for me to

567

: 00:31:42

let them Physically mix it up a little

because they're pretty evenly matched,

568

: 00:31:46

you know, so I'm not too worried that

one of them is going to pound to the

569

: 00:31:50

other, but especially as an only child

who was raised at sort of the beginning

570

: 00:31:55

of that, you know, nobody should ever

be upset about anything ever generation

571

: 00:32:01

that it's really hard to try and explain

to my kid, the concept that, Just

572

: 00:32:07

because you don't like something doesn't

mean that you are traumatized by it.

573

: 00:32:11

You know, you might not like that he won't

let you watch what you want to watch.

574

: 00:32:16

And maybe you're upset about it,

but I don't know that that quite

575

: 00:32:19

reaches the My feelings are hurt.

576

: 00:32:22

I need you to, to, you know,

reassure my place in the world.

577

: 00:32:28

You know, where do we How do

we teach them what's an actual

578

: 00:32:33

problem if everything's wrong?

579

: 00:32:34

Jane: Yeah, and that's a

prob you know, and that's it.

580

: 00:32:37

And like you said, they're young and

they're still figuring all of that out.

581

: 00:32:41

So, they live in the moment.

582

: 00:32:43

I mean, I think we could take a

few lessons from them sometimes.

583

: 00:32:47

They live in the moment and what is

happening right now is everything.

584

: 00:32:51

So, to to be able to look through

their eyes and see how that feels.

585

: 00:32:57

Again, going back to those feelings,

feelings are just so important and

586

: 00:33:00

to see that they're under a lot

of stress when they feel that way

587

: 00:33:05

and meet them where they're at.

588

: 00:33:08

And then move them forward to

what you were saying is, you

589

: 00:33:11

know, take a look at that.

590

: 00:33:12

One of the programs we teach is

Kids Have Stress Too, and that's

591

: 00:33:15

going to be coming up in the fall.

592

: 00:33:17

But they take a look at the open hand.

593

: 00:33:20

So you stretch your five fingers

out, and you ask the child,

594

: 00:33:23

How big a problem is this?

595

: 00:33:25

Right?

596

: 00:33:26

And I always start with the little

finger because it's little, right?

597

: 00:33:29

So the little finger is always

just a little bit of a problem.

598

: 00:33:32

The, the next finger is, well, it's,

it's kind of bugging me right now.

599

: 00:33:36

The third finger in the middle, you

know, the one that we use to let

600

: 00:33:40

people know we're upset, says that

we need to deal with that right now.

601

: 00:33:44

The pointer finger...

602

: 00:33:46

is the one that says, you know what?

603

: 00:33:48

It's getting beyond my control.

604

: 00:33:49

I can't handle it.

605

: 00:33:50

And that great big thumb, this is a big

problem we need to deal with it right now.

606

: 00:33:55

So asking them to evaluate and

see how much of a problem it is.

607

: 00:34:00

And then afterwards coming back

to them and saying, so how are

608

: 00:34:03

you feeling about this now?

609

: 00:34:05

Now that we've resolved it a bit,

is it still that big a problem?

610

: 00:34:09

And often that That big thumb problem

now is a fourth finger problem.

611

: 00:34:14

It's just a little bit of a problem.

612

: 00:34:16

So it helps them understand, like you

were saying that, okay, it felt like a

613

: 00:34:21

big problem right then, but maybe it's, it

doesn't, it's not going to stay that way.

614

: 00:34:26

If I move towards some kind of resolution

or if I work towards it, or even if

615

: 00:34:31

I just share it with somebody else.

616

: 00:34:33

So that I'm not dealing with it alone,

then it becomes a lot lesser of a problem.

617

: 00:34:38

So it's helping them, it's giving

them a concrete way to evaluate just

618

: 00:34:42

how much of a problem it is and, you

know, and come back at it again another

619

: 00:34:46

day too, and say, remember when you

were feeling so tough about that?

620

: 00:34:50

Where, where are you at now?

621

: 00:34:51

How does, how does it feel now?

622

: 00:34:53

Just so that they can know that they're

not stuck in the moment, that what

623

: 00:34:58

you feel right now is gonna change.

624

: 00:35:01

And so that may be helpful

in their situation, too.

625

: 00:35:04

It takes a little bit of getting used to.

626

: 00:35:06

It, yeah, it feels like so

much, you know, for those of us

627

: 00:35:13

who are becoming middle aged.

628

: 00:35:16

Um, you know, with the, with the baby

boomer parents who were raised with,

629

: 00:35:19

you know, nothing is a problem, kind of

man up and, Drink and, you know, don't

630

: 00:35:25

talk about it and then our generation

was raised with the beginning of,

631

: 00:35:29

you know, everything is a problem.

632

: 00:35:30

Talk about everything.

633

: 00:35:31

Everything is a huge deal and trying

to find a healthy balance between

634

: 00:35:37

I'm not negating the way you feel

about this, but also it's not that

635

: 00:35:41

big a deal, you know, so that we can.

636

: 00:35:44

Save the energy for when it is a big

deal and we can really, you know, yeah.

637

: 00:35:50

And we call, I mean, the whole, the

whole area of parenting, we call

638

: 00:35:53

that the parenting pendulum, right?

639

: 00:35:55

It swings to one end.

640

: 00:35:57

And you know, we, like you said, my

generation grew up, kids should be,

641

: 00:36:02

you know, not seen and not heard.

642

: 00:36:04

Basically not be a problem.

643

: 00:36:06

And the same thing with anger.

644

: 00:36:07

We are not supposed to get angry.

645

: 00:36:09

We are not supposed to

get upset in our culture.

646

: 00:36:12

That's just not acceptable.

647

: 00:36:13

And then the pendulum swings all the

way to the other end, where again, we're

648

: 00:36:18

checking in about absolutely everything.

649

: 00:36:20

We're giving awards for

absolutely everything.

650

: 00:36:22

And, you know, we have

to validate everything.

651

: 00:36:25

Somewhere in the middle of that

is where we need to end up.

652

: 00:36:30

But, you know, we have a tendency

to swing one way and then

653

: 00:36:33

swing way back the other way.

654

: 00:36:35

So, you know, I think Barbara Coloroso,

um, Said it best way, way back when

655

: 00:36:41

I was raising my kids, you know,

you've got the jellyfish families that

656

: 00:36:45

just can't make a decision because

everybody needs their input and

657

: 00:36:48

everybody needs to be okay with it.

658

: 00:36:49

And, and then you have your brick wall

parenting in there that says my way or

659

: 00:36:54

the highway kid, and that's just it.

660

: 00:36:56

And somewhere in there, we need to help

these kids grow up with a backbone,

661

: 00:37:01

you know, because we're really talking

about resilience in here, right?

662

: 00:37:04

I really like the example you gave with

the hand because I think, and reflecting

663

: 00:37:09

back on it too, because I need, I thought

of myself, you know, like on the day

664

: 00:37:13

where a bunch of things have gone wrong,

dropping dinner on the floor, all of

665

: 00:37:18

a sudden seems like the thumb, right?

666

: 00:37:21

Where if it was first thing in

the morning and nothing had gone

667

: 00:37:26

wrong yet, you know, like then.

668

: 00:37:28

It's like, oh, no deal.

669

: 00:37:30

I can clean that up and

I can laugh about it.

670

: 00:37:32

But on the day, you know, and

same with our kids, right?

671

: 00:37:35

Like at the end of the day maybe they've

come home from school and they've held

672

: 00:37:38

it together all day long and then that

incident with their sibling is the

673

: 00:37:42

thing that pushes them over the edge.

674

: 00:37:44

And in that moment, that's the worst

thing that's ever happened to them.

675

: 00:37:48

But it's also because the whole day's

worth of events have compiled into this

676

: 00:37:52

one blowout and yeah, you look back

on it later and you're like, oh, yeah.

677

: 00:37:56

It wasn't that big of a deal, you know,

and another time I could have handled

678

: 00:38:01

it, but that day I couldn't, but, but

looking back on that situation and

679

: 00:38:04

reflecting on it later is, is a good,

good way to think about revisiting it.

680

: 00:38:09

And sometimes I know as a parent, I

don't want to talk about it again.

681

: 00:38:12

And we're like, well, we got over that.

682

: 00:38:15

Let's not bring it up.

683

: 00:38:17

Yeah, yeah.

684

: 00:38:17

Let's sweep that under the rug

and pretend it never happened.

685

: 00:38:20

But let speaking dogs lie.

686

: 00:38:26

I think you bring up

another point, though.

687

: 00:38:28

I mean, you're, you're basically telling

us it really wasn't what happened.

688

: 00:38:33

What you were really dealing

with was stress, right?

689

: 00:38:37

And I mean, for, for our families,

our agricultural families, There is so

690

: 00:38:41

many things that are dealing with this.

691

: 00:38:42

There is not another

occupation with as much stress.

692

: 00:38:45

There is so many things

we don't get to control.

693

: 00:38:48

There is so many things in there.

694

: 00:38:51

We need to be aware and help make our

kids aware that they're feeling stressed.

695

: 00:38:57

And what do you do about that?

696

: 00:38:58

Right.

697

: 00:38:58

There are different ways to handle that

so that you can lessen some of that stress

698

: 00:39:03

because again, it's not about the TV.

699

: 00:39:06

It's not about, you know, dropping

the dinner on the floor, although that

700

: 00:39:11

would devastate our family tremendously.

701

: 00:39:14

We, you know, it's not about that.

702

: 00:39:16

It's about the stress that you're carrying

with you when you're trying to deal with

703

: 00:39:20

the stuff that's going on during the day.

704

: 00:39:22

So, you know, Stuart Shanker, who is

one of our Canadian gurus in the whole

705

: 00:39:28

area of self regulation and dealing

with stress, He is all about the stress.

706

: 00:39:33

Do what you can to manage the

stress and everything else

707

: 00:39:37

will start to fall into place.

708

: 00:39:39

And again, part of managing that

stress is going back to those basics.

709

: 00:39:43

Parent with, you know, with warmth and

structure so that kids feel safe and

710

: 00:39:47

secure and loved and that the world is

okay that they're not doing this alone.

711

: 00:39:52

And structure where we go in and

we support things and we help them

712

: 00:39:56

deal with the stress and manage

the stress and lower events.

713

: 00:40:00

stress so that they can start

making decisions themselves.

714

: 00:40:04

That leads really well into my next

question, because I was thinking about

715

: 00:40:07

that, you know, that those feelings

of busyness and stress and how we're

716

: 00:40:11

always as parents and farmers feeling

like we're pulled in different

717

: 00:40:15

directions and yet we're trying.

718

: 00:40:17

To also meet the needs of multiple kids,

if we're talking about siblings, that

719

: 00:40:20

means we've got more, more than one child

in our home, or even one is a lot of work.

720

: 00:40:24

I'm not saying that that's not, but

trying to balance the concept of having

721

: 00:40:28

one on one time, having family time,

meeting the needs of different kids.

722

: 00:40:32

How do we try and find some

sense of balance in there?

723

: 00:40:36

Because sometimes even just the

expectation that those are things

724

: 00:40:39

that we need to do ends up, you

know, making it feel like too much.

725

: 00:40:50

It is.

726

: 00:40:50

And with COVID, I mean,

everything has been exacerbated

727

: 00:40:54

around those areas, right?

728

: 00:40:55

I mean, it changed our whole world in

there, and we're coming through it.

729

: 00:41:00

You know, I'm not sure we'll ever

be done with it, but basically

730

: 00:41:03

you're talking about mental health.

731

: 00:41:05

Right?

732

: 00:41:05

You're talking about how do

we balance all of this stuff.

733

: 00:41:09

And I think both of you guys have

hit that idea of, um, that whole bit

734

: 00:41:16

about, I just lost my train of thought.

735

: 00:41:19

This is amazing guys.

736

: 00:41:21

Um, I guess we're talking about mental

health in there and that balance.

737

: 00:41:27

Oh, I know what it was.

738

: 00:41:28

We have, we have this idea that.

739

: 00:41:31

We're supposed to be equal

with our kids, that there's

740

: 00:41:34

supposed to be equality in here.

741

: 00:41:36

And I think that's a farce.

742

: 00:41:38

You know, from early on, especially

again, our agricultural families,

743

: 00:41:43

those involved in farming.

744

: 00:41:44

Farming teaches you that life is not fair.

745

: 00:41:47

It just doesn't happen that way.

746

: 00:41:49

So when it comes to mental health.

747

: 00:41:52

You have to take care of

yourself first, right?

748

: 00:41:54

If you're going to manage all of this

stuff, if you're going to manage the

749

: 00:41:57

kids, if you're going to manage the

farm, if you're going to manage your own

750

: 00:42:01

life and everything that's going on, you

can't give from an empty bucket, right?

751

: 00:42:06

So, we need to find ways to, to do

some self care, to fill our own bucket.

752

: 00:42:11

And I, I hate that word self care because

I don't even know what that means mostly.

753

: 00:42:16

I just know that I'm not doing okay.

754

: 00:42:19

But part of it for, for me here,

I think is learning to delegate.

755

: 00:42:24

And for those of us that are

strong, we don't want to delegate.

756

: 00:42:28

It's kind of like the anger issue.

757

: 00:42:30

If you delegate, you're seen as weak.

758

: 00:42:32

If you show these things, then you're not

doing what you're supposed to be doing.

759

: 00:42:37

That's a bunch of horse

hockey too here, right?

760

: 00:42:40

So.

761

: 00:42:41

For me, I needed to learn to delegate.

762

: 00:42:43

I needed to let go of some of those

things that I feel like I have to control.

763

: 00:42:49

We call them shoulds in our life.

764

: 00:42:51

You know, I should be able to do this.

765

: 00:42:53

I should manage that as well.

766

: 00:42:55

It's always been done this way, so I

should be able to do it that way as well.

767

: 00:42:59

Get rid of the shoulds.

768

: 00:43:01

Figure out what it is you

need to make things work.

769

: 00:43:05

for you in there.

770

: 00:43:07

So delegate some of those things that

you don't have to have control over.

771

: 00:43:11

Give them off to other

people, ask for help.

772

: 00:43:14

And that's, I mean, I say that very

easily sitting here at my dining room

773

: 00:43:18

table, much, much harder to do when

you're out in the world in front of

774

: 00:43:23

other people, ask for help, get divide

things up in there with the kids.

775

: 00:43:31

It's hard now because we used to have

people who were at home around us.

776

: 00:43:36

You know, when I first moved out here

and our kids were little, our nearest

777

: 00:43:39

neighbours were miles and miles away.

778

: 00:43:43

And, you know, even the first

one that wasn't, um, Wasn't close

779

: 00:43:47

by they they weren't even there.

780

: 00:43:50

You know, they were off to work or

they were off doing other things.

781

: 00:43:53

So In the in the days before that I think

we had people around us or we had multi

782

: 00:43:58

generational houses Where there were

people there that could help out and so

783

: 00:44:04

we had cooperative daycare in there If

that's something that you can set up,

784

: 00:44:09

I mean, you know It doesn't have to be

paid daycare in somebody's home or in

785

: 00:44:14

centers, but to say, you know what, we've

got this coming up, um, you talked, so

786

: 00:44:19

we were chatting a little bit before all

of this started, and Arlene was saying

787

: 00:44:23

that, you know, they're into prom season

at their house because your kids are a

788

: 00:44:27

little bit older, and that you had to

wash the tractor, and I'm searching in

789

: 00:44:31

my brain, What the hell does washing the

tractor have to do with prom time, right?

790

: 00:44:36

Well, they're driving the tractor to

prom, which I think is so amazing,

791

: 00:44:39

but you can't clean the tractor till

after the spraying's done, right?

792

: 00:44:43

So if you can have some kind of

cooperative, uh, going on in your area

793

: 00:44:49

where, when things become too much

that the kids can go there for a while,

794

: 00:44:55

and then you will take their kids for

a little while and just do some care

795

: 00:44:59

or just head them off to activities.

796

: 00:45:01

Right, maybe somebody picks up two or

three sets of kids and heads off into

797

: 00:45:05

town and goes and does, you know, heads

to the swimming pool or goes and does

798

: 00:45:09

something in there, the park even,

that are keeping the kids occupied

799

: 00:45:14

and give the other people a break.

800

: 00:45:15

So that's not always on your plate.

801

: 00:45:18

So Get cooperative here.

802

: 00:45:20

I mean, farming co ops have

been around for a long time.

803

: 00:45:23

Let's have parenting co ops in here, too.

804

: 00:45:26

Used to be something we did.

805

: 00:45:27

We've gotten away from it.

806

: 00:45:29

And I think, too, remembering,

you talk about one on one time

807

: 00:45:32

with the kids, which is awesome.

808

: 00:45:34

If you can do one on one time

with each kid, that's great.

809

: 00:45:38

But to remember that...

810

: 00:45:40

Sometimes, just taking a bunch of very

small moments in the day, 30 seconds,

811

: 00:45:46

a minute, a minute and a half, when

that child comes to you, stopping

812

: 00:45:50

what you're doing, getting down to

their level, listening to what they're

813

: 00:45:54

saying, uh, being a part of what they

are sharing with you, will meet those

814

: 00:45:59

needs that are underneath there.

815

: 00:46:01

They get that connection.

816

: 00:46:03

They get that sense of

safety and security.

817

: 00:46:05

Then they're quite happy to head off

and go do something else for a while.

818

: 00:46:10

If you keep pushing them off and fending

them off and don't take the time.

819

: 00:46:15

just for a very short time.

820

: 00:46:16

And I'm not talking, you know, like

half a day, I'm talking, you know,

821

: 00:46:19

two or three minutes to do that.

822

: 00:46:21

Then they're good and gone again.

823

: 00:46:22

You're not going to get a half a day.

824

: 00:46:24

You're going to get 10,

15 minutes out of it.

825

: 00:46:26

But a lot of those little tiny

moments add up to just as much

826

: 00:46:31

as doing a big one on one time.

827

: 00:46:33

And those are the times when they

know when they need you, you're there.

828

: 00:46:37

Not always possible, right?

829

: 00:46:39

I mean, if we're out on the tractors, if

we're out in the fields, or if we're in

830

: 00:46:42

some place that isn't safe for the kids to

be, always looking at health and safety,

831

: 00:46:48

then that's not possible, you know?

832

: 00:46:50

But we, we do our best to

treat kids uniquely in there.

833

: 00:46:55

Just because one kid wants the remote for

the TV doesn't mean that's even an issue.

834

: 00:47:01

For the other kid, right?

835

: 00:47:02

We talk about boots and

pancakes in our house.

836

: 00:47:05

If we're all sitting down at the breakfast

table having pancakes and the eight year

837

: 00:47:10

old says, yep, I want four pancakes.

838

: 00:47:12

We give them four pancakes.

839

: 00:47:14

The two year old then pipes up.

840

: 00:47:15

I want four pancakes.

841

: 00:47:17

Well, we know they're only gonna

to eat one, so they don't get four

842

: 00:47:20

pancakes on their on their plate.

843

: 00:47:22

They get one pancake and then when

they say, but he got four, we come back

844

: 00:47:27

to them with, this isn't about them.

845

: 00:47:30

This is about you.

846

: 00:47:32

What is it you need right now?

847

: 00:47:34

And helping them look at their own needs,

not in comparison to everybody else.

848

: 00:47:40

Because kids do have differences in there.

849

: 00:47:43

And if you finish that one pancake and

you want more, there's a whole plate.

850

: 00:47:47

Grab another one.

851

: 00:47:49

Go for it.

852

: 00:47:49

If you want another one after you

finish that one, go for another one.

853

: 00:47:53

There are lots of pancakes.

854

: 00:47:56

But we treat kids uniquely, not equally.

855

: 00:48:00

So if Kate needs a new pair of boots,

cause she's grown and hers are done, it

856

: 00:48:06

doesn't mean I'm going to buy everybody

else in the house a pair of rubber boots.

857

: 00:48:10

Kate needs rubber boots,

she gets rubber boots.

858

: 00:48:13

Somebody else needs a backpack.

859

: 00:48:15

Somebody else needs an extra story

at bedtime and a little extra cuddle.

860

: 00:48:19

So we try and meet the individual

needs of each child in there.

861

: 00:48:26

If do not, do not let them draw you back

into, but they, you know, but she, but

862

: 00:48:32

he, no, we're not talking about them.

863

: 00:48:34

We're talking about you and

what you need right now.

864

: 00:48:38

And this is again, so easy to

say, sitting here by myself,

865

: 00:48:42

watching the dog lick himself over

there in the living room, right?

866

: 00:48:46

Much harder to do when

you're in the middle.

867

: 00:48:49

with very emotional kids in there,

but we're also going to give our time

868

: 00:48:54

according to the children's needs, right?

869

: 00:48:58

Your prom queen may need some little extra

reassurance right now because that's a big

870

: 00:49:03

thing arriving in a tractor, showing up in

a dress, doing something that's different

871

: 00:49:07

and out of your comfort zone, right?

872

: 00:49:10

She may need that little

extra reassurance.

873

: 00:49:13

Where the guys are just quite fine to

head off on the four wheelers and go

874

: 00:49:16

do something out in the fields, right?

875

: 00:49:20

We give our time according

to the child's need.

876

: 00:49:23

And if we don't have the time right now,

because you've taken all those little

877

: 00:49:28

times for when they've come to you over

the years and said, yeah, I hear you.

878

: 00:49:32

I see a awesome rock.

879

: 00:49:34

Yeah.

880

: 00:49:34

Love the stripe in the middle of the rock.

881

: 00:49:36

That's really cool.

882

: 00:49:37

And away they go.

883

: 00:49:38

They can, they know you're there for them.

884

: 00:49:40

They know you've got their back.

885

: 00:49:42

You've built those

foundational blocks underneath.

886

: 00:49:46

So you say to them, you know what,

I have to finish this right now.

887

: 00:49:50

I don't have a choice,

this has to get done.

888

: 00:49:53

But as soon as I'm done, I'm

going to come and find you and

889

: 00:49:56

listen to what you have to say.

890

: 00:49:58

Because that's also important.

891

: 00:50:00

I just can't do it right now.

892

: 00:50:02

So not only are you taking care

of yourself, you're modeling

893

: 00:50:05

for them how to do that.

894

: 00:50:08

So when they get under too much stress

and they're being asked for too much,

895

: 00:50:12

they know the words and they know how

to step up and say, You know what?

896

: 00:50:16

I hear ya.

897

: 00:50:17

That's what you have to say is important.

898

: 00:50:20

Just can't do it right now.

899

: 00:50:21

Give me ten minutes or I'll

see you right after supper.

900

: 00:50:24

Right?

901

: 00:50:25

And we're teaching them

how to do those things.

902

: 00:50:28

Cause that's how they learn, right?

903

: 00:50:31

Blah, blah, blah.

904

: 00:50:31

That's my soapbox.

905

: 00:50:33

Caite: Jane, I, I totally feel that.

906

: 00:50:37

And I keep, I'm amazed at how much it's

helping me to tell myself that every time

907

: 00:50:42

that my kids see me get frustrated or

angry And they see me deal with it in an

908

: 00:50:47

appropriate and healthy way and apologize

to anyone I may have hurt in the meantime.

909

: 00:50:52

That that is actually good for them to see

because I think so many of us were raised

910

: 00:50:57

with, you know, We do not have feelings.

911

: 00:51:01

Feelings are not something we do.

912

: 00:51:03

You know, that We're showing

them how to be humans.

913

: 00:51:08

And I also feel like I'm probably saying

it in my sleep at this point, that

914

: 00:51:13

the girl child will say, well, the boy

child did X, Y, and Z, and I have to

915

: 00:51:17

say, who is in charge of the boy child?

916

: 00:51:20

The boy child is in charge of him.

917

: 00:51:21

Mommy and Daddy are in charge of him.

918

: 00:51:23

You are not in charge of him.

919

: 00:51:26

You know, and it's just

this constant thing.

920

: 00:51:32

So...

921

: 00:51:33

Next question here in our small town.

922

: 00:51:35

Jane: Just before you go

to your next one, Kate.

923

: 00:51:37

Let's just add one more

step in there as well.

924

: 00:51:41

And just acknowledge where she's at.

925

: 00:51:42

Oh, you feel like you need

to be in charge of that.

926

: 00:51:45

You feel like you need to

have some control over that.

927

: 00:51:48

And just state those, you know, how

she's feeling and meet her there.

928

: 00:51:52

And then move her on to that.

929

: 00:51:54

Because I think that's a

huge part of it in there.

930

: 00:51:57

You know, we know.

931

: 00:51:59

We're doing that in our head all

the time, but again, like you

932

: 00:52:02

said, we're modeling for them.

933

: 00:52:04

So when we stop and we just take that

second to describe what's going on here

934

: 00:52:10

and what might be the problem, we're

also teaching them to be able to stop,

935

: 00:52:14

breathe, and see what the problem is

that you're actually dealing with.

936

: 00:52:19

So good point in there.

937

: 00:52:23

Well, and I think that's a really

good reminder because as someone who,

938

: 00:52:29

um, It can be overly helpful, myself.

939

: 00:52:33

Um, it's hard to remember that we

have to let people make their own

940

: 00:52:38

mistakes, or what might look like

mistakes to us, and that that is

941

: 00:52:42

not our responsibility to fix it for

them, unless they're asking for help.

942

: 00:52:47

Just because she sees what she

thinks is a better way for him to

943

: 00:52:50

be doing something does not mean

that he needs to do it that way.

944

: 00:52:53

Exactly.

945

: 00:52:55

But as, as strong...

946

: 00:52:56

Which is a hard lesson to remember even...

947

: 00:52:58

As strong women though, I mean, that comes

from a good place in our hearts, right?

948

: 00:53:02

And from, in her, you know,

hopefully somewhere deeper...

949

: 00:53:05

Down in her heart, too.

950

: 00:53:07

She's there saying, but

I can see a better way.

951

: 00:53:09

I can help him with this.

952

: 00:53:11

I can make his life easier and recognize

that that often, you know, for strong

953

: 00:53:17

people, strong willed people, um, That

often is something that we have to

954

: 00:53:23

remind them that just because we can do

it better, we need to give those other

955

: 00:53:29

people a chance for their light to shine

and to try it that their way, because

956

: 00:53:34

sometimes that's how they learn, right?

957

: 00:53:37

But to remember that it does come from

a good place in their heart and not

958

: 00:53:41

just from, screw this, I know how to

do it better, do it my way, right?

959

: 00:53:49

Caite: Jane, I just realized that problem.

960

: 00:53:51

Sorry Arlene, that probably says

something about why she's so obsessed

961

: 00:53:55

with tucking him into bed and giving

him all his stuffed animals and fluffing

962

: 00:53:58

his pillow and everything because

it's the one time that she can just

963

: 00:54:02

do stuff without him pushing back.

964

: 00:54:03

Jane: I know we spend a lot of time

in our house saying, well, more so

965

: 00:54:07

when they were little and I think that

we, it says finally over many, many

966

: 00:54:11

repetitions gotten through is asking

someone if they want help first.

967

: 00:54:16

Because if you step in and

help them without their

968

: 00:54:19

permission, that's not helpful.

969

: 00:54:21

And you have to, we have to

ask first, do you want help?

970

: 00:54:26

And if they say no, then

you have to believe them.

971

: 00:54:29

You can ask again if they

really seem to be struggling.

972

: 00:54:32

But, but I've always, I've really

worked hard on trying to teach the

973

: 00:54:37

kids, especially with their siblings.

974

: 00:54:38

It's only helpful if they want

your help and it's not helpful.

975

: 00:54:42

if you step in and do it for

them without their permission.

976

: 00:54:49

That's, that's called being an ally.

977

: 00:54:53

We were doing some staff

training, um, about.

978

: 00:54:56

Being an ally and being inclusive and,

um, diversity and, and that was the point

979

: 00:55:02

of the whole training was that you may

be doing it from a good place in your

980

: 00:55:07

heart, but unless the other person really

wants you to do this, it is not helpful.

981

: 00:55:13

So step in and do not take again.

982

: 00:55:16

We're back to that whole

power thing, right?

983

: 00:55:18

And I mean, I'm sure your young gal

looks at you, Kate, and says, you

984

: 00:55:22

know, this is, this is how mom does it.

985

: 00:55:24

So I'm going to step in and do

this because it works and it makes.

986

: 00:55:28

me feel good.

987

: 00:55:29

And you know, there she is.

988

: 00:55:31

It's just not always

appreciated at the age she's at.

989

: 00:55:35

Right.

990

: 00:55:35

And again, we can, you know, we know the

difference between when it's a health and

991

: 00:55:39

safety issue and we have to step in and

it's my way or the highway kid, or whether

992

: 00:55:44

it's one of those times where we just say.

993

: 00:55:46

Okay, preventable accident speech on hold.

994

: 00:55:49

We're gonna let you do it

your way and see what happens.

995

: 00:55:52

But I think you guys are both

really right in that in our culture,

996

: 00:55:56

we're not supposed to be angry,

we're not supposed to be upset.

997

: 00:55:59

So you guys have to be...

998

: 00:56:01

Those, uh, parental detectives in

there and say, what are they supposed

999

: 00:56:05

to do when they feel like that?

: 1000

00:56:07,900 --> 00:56:10,840

What is okay and acceptable in your house?

: 1001

00:56:11,390 --> 00:56:13,050

You know, how do you show anger?

: 1002

00:56:13,050 --> 00:56:14,630

How do you show frustration?

: 1003

00:56:14,950 --> 00:56:17,120

How do you show those big feelings?

: 1004

00:56:17,430 --> 00:56:19,739

Because our culture says we're

not supposed to have them.

: 1005

00:56:20,450 --> 00:56:21,970

So that's, that's a tough one.

: 1006

00:56:21,970 --> 00:56:27,490

And I think that's unique for every family

situation is how to, you know, what you're

: 1007

00:56:27,490 --> 00:56:29,100

allowed to do when you feel that way.

: 1008

00:56:31,420 --> 00:56:33,640

But look at us here

having this discussion.

: 1009

00:56:33,820 --> 00:56:34,450

So,

: 1010

00:56:38,510 --> 00:56:44,999

Caite: I, uh, I very, very much struggle

with possibly my biggest personality.

: 1011

00:56:45,265 --> 00:56:46,455

flaw that I am aware of.

: 1012

00:56:46,455 --> 00:56:51,295

I'm sure there are many that I

have just not really gotten a good

: 1013

00:56:51,295 --> 00:56:55,404

handle on, is wanting to help people

whether they want my help or not.

: 1014

00:56:55,705 --> 00:57:00,254

And it's a, it's a family trait

that I come by honestly, but I would

: 1015

00:57:00,254 --> 00:57:04,644

really like it to substantially

decrease with the next generation.

: 1016

00:57:05,525 --> 00:57:08,955

You know, we're not going for

perfection, we're going for improvement.

: 1017

00:57:08,964 --> 00:57:11,634

Right, and I love the, I love

the fact you said decrease.

: 1018

00:57:11,645 --> 00:57:12,555

So Jane, it's...

: 1019

00:57:12,565 --> 00:57:17,294

Because we wouldn't want that to be,

to be lost in there either, right?

: 1020

00:57:17,295 --> 00:57:21,554

Because here you guys are doing this

podcast for exactly that reason.

: 1021

00:57:21,575 --> 00:57:25,994

Because you're out in the world making

it a better place, helping people, right?

: 1022

00:57:26,024 --> 00:57:28,004

So we don't want to lose it all together.

: 1023

00:57:28,814 --> 00:57:30,924

Yeah, but we're not

forcing anybody to listen.

: 1024

00:57:31,589 --> 00:57:35,069

So I figure if they came here and

listened to it, they wanted our help.

: 1025

00:57:35,069 --> 00:57:37,799

And if they didn't want our help,

they can go listen to something else.

: 1026

00:57:38,430 --> 00:57:40,740

Which is not to say you should all

leave and go listen to something

: 1027

00:57:40,799 --> 00:57:43,140

else, , but it's your choice.

: 1028

00:57:43,589 --> 00:57:49,020

So Jane, our, our small town I think

is maybe a little unusual with how

: 1029

00:57:49,020 --> 00:57:51,629

many kids are close together in age.

: 1030

00:57:52,350 --> 00:57:57,690

But, you know, my kids are 16 months

apart and so they, especially now that

: 1031

00:57:57,690 --> 00:57:59,850

they're getting a little older, they're.

: 1032

00:58:00,700 --> 00:58:05,480

Functioning a lot more like twins than

like siblings who are further apart

: 1033

00:58:05,509 --> 00:58:08,970

might, um, because developmentally

they're quite close in age.

: 1034

00:58:09,649 --> 00:58:13,259

But we're starting to get to that

point where they have different

: 1035

00:58:13,259 --> 00:58:16,250

groups of friends, you know, when

they were in daycare and they were in

: 1036

00:58:16,250 --> 00:58:17,950

the same classroom together all day.

: 1037

00:58:18,549 --> 00:58:22,779

They all knew all the same kids, but

now there's, there's different groups

: 1038

00:58:22,779 --> 00:58:25,989

and there's, you know, the girl child

wants to have her little friends

: 1039

00:58:25,989 --> 00:58:28,959

over, but not the boy child's friends.

: 1040

00:58:29,299 --> 00:58:29,779

End.

: 1041

00:58:30,529 --> 00:58:31,569

You know, or vice versa.

: 1042

00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:38,879

And I'm wondering how to

help them navigate that.

: 1043

00:58:38,959 --> 00:58:42,450

I mean, as I said, I'm an only

child, so I don't have any

: 1044

00:58:42,450 --> 00:58:44,379

experience with any of this.

: 1045

00:58:44,430 --> 00:58:48,039

And this is, you know, I don't

want to force them to all

: 1046

00:58:48,040 --> 00:58:49,519

play together all the time.

: 1047

00:58:50,119 --> 00:58:51,009

But also...

: 1048

00:58:53,299 --> 00:58:56,459

All their little friends have siblings

that are the same age too, so it's

: 1049

00:58:56,459 --> 00:59:00,620

easy to just end up with a, you know,

we had everybody every Saturday night.

: 1050

00:59:00,660 --> 00:59:04,649

There's just a pack of kids that are

all within like 3 years of each other

: 1051

00:59:04,789 --> 00:59:07,160

and they just, it's just a swarm.

: 1052

00:59:07,569 --> 00:59:11,439

Jane: So I think, I think in pictures and

as you've been describing this, that's

: 1053

00:59:11,439 --> 00:59:16,329

exactly what I saw was just a pack of

little wolf pups all together, right?

: 1054

00:59:16,669 --> 00:59:18,379

All just crawling all over each other.

: 1055

00:59:18,379 --> 00:59:19,379

It basically is.

: 1056

00:59:19,390 --> 00:59:20,120

It's scary.

: 1057

00:59:20,390 --> 00:59:20,749

Um.

: 1058

00:59:21,200 --> 00:59:26,549

That's a really great question because

I think again, we go back to treating

: 1059

00:59:26,549 --> 00:59:32,620

kids uniquely so that they have a sense

of self and we really, really need to

: 1060

00:59:32,620 --> 00:59:36,350

resist that urge to compare kids, right?

: 1061

00:59:36,350 --> 00:59:39,979

We need to let them be their

own person and value what

: 1062

00:59:39,979 --> 00:59:41,469

they're bringing to the table.

: 1063

00:59:41,779 --> 00:59:43,159

Um, basically.

: 1064

00:59:43,630 --> 00:59:46,160

We want them to have autonomy, right?

: 1065

00:59:46,390 --> 00:59:49,670

Autonomy is being able to govern yourself.

: 1066

00:59:49,670 --> 00:59:50,800

It's self governance.

: 1067

00:59:51,150 --> 00:59:56,649

Making your own choices from your

morals and your ethics inside you.

: 1068

00:59:57,010 --> 00:59:59,420

Um, dealing with the

consequences of those.

: 1069

01:00:00,145 --> 01:00:06,195

You know, really being your own person

in the world, and so that is a lot

: 1070

01:00:06,215 --> 01:00:08,984

harder when they're very close in age.

: 1071

01:00:09,245 --> 01:00:14,184

Because, like you said, they're able to

do a lot of what the other child is to do.

: 1072

01:00:14,184 --> 01:00:15,755

They're together all the time.

: 1073

01:00:16,054 --> 01:00:20,700

Um, when they're a little bit further

apart, The skills and abilities

: 1074

01:00:20,780 --> 01:00:22,370

are a little bit further apart.

: 1075

01:00:22,870 --> 01:00:28,960

And so one of the things you really

have to do is work on making sure again

: 1076

01:00:28,960 --> 01:00:32,610

that we're treating kids uniquely,

that we're not pulling them in just

: 1077

01:00:32,620 --> 01:00:36,660

because this person is heading off with

that person doesn't mean you get to

: 1078

01:00:36,660 --> 01:00:39,269

because they're their own person, right?

: 1079

01:00:39,290 --> 01:00:43,600

And that really reflects back on the

conversation we just had about help

: 1080

01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:49,280

is that They get to make their own

decisions for their own life as long

: 1081

01:00:49,280 --> 01:00:50,570

as they're age appropriate, right?

: 1082

01:00:51,800 --> 01:00:56,000

So I think really what we're talking

in there is about resilience and

: 1083

01:00:56,550 --> 01:00:59,250

correct me if I'm wrong, but I

think that's what our very first

: 1084

01:00:59,560 --> 01:01:01,510

broadcast together was about, right?

: 1085

01:01:01,510 --> 01:01:02,760

Was about resiliency.

: 1086

01:01:02,980 --> 01:01:07,790

So you can go back in the, in the data

and find it there, but resilience.

: 1087

01:01:08,095 --> 01:01:12,295

Resiliency, you know, we can show

empathy when feelings get hurt.

: 1088

01:01:12,565 --> 01:01:16,435

When they're off with a different

group, and you're not a part of that.

: 1089

01:01:16,885 --> 01:01:18,565

To step in and help the child.

: 1090

01:01:18,565 --> 01:01:21,025

The one that's heading

off is probably fine.

: 1091

01:01:21,295 --> 01:01:22,884

They're off doing their own thing.

: 1092

01:01:22,895 --> 01:01:24,525

They're off managing their own life.

: 1093

01:01:24,775 --> 01:01:25,974

They're with their own people.

: 1094

01:01:26,195 --> 01:01:29,405

But the one who gets left

behind, it's a good time for a

: 1095

01:01:29,405 --> 01:01:30,715

little bit of bonding in there.

: 1096

01:01:31,125 --> 01:01:36,975

So we show some empathy, but we also show

a positive attitude about that, right?

: 1097

01:01:36,995 --> 01:01:41,655

And I think that comes back to maybe

not just what we do in the moment,

: 1098

01:01:41,945 --> 01:01:43,865

but how we live our lives in there.

: 1099

01:01:44,055 --> 01:01:45,834

And you guys are such thinkers.

: 1100

01:01:45,834 --> 01:01:50,305

The questions you come up with and

your thoughts as we're talking really

: 1101

01:01:50,315 --> 01:01:54,045

go back to showing that you take the

information and you really think about it.

: 1102

01:01:54,395 --> 01:01:58,085

So I think part of it is, is

going back and living a life

: 1103

01:01:58,085 --> 01:01:59,575

with intention, living a life.

: 1104

01:02:00,035 --> 01:02:04,075

Where we teach and practice

gratitude in there.

: 1105

01:02:04,505 --> 01:02:10,155

And so when we do come on times where

our feelings are hurt, or we're upset, we

: 1106

01:02:10,155 --> 01:02:14,675

acknowledge the feelings, but then we also

look back and say, Hang on here, you know,

: 1107

01:02:14,944 --> 01:02:17,605

what, what is good about this right now?

: 1108

01:02:17,905 --> 01:02:18,145

Right?

: 1109

01:02:18,145 --> 01:02:22,305

It gives you and I time together

and to find the little highlights

: 1110

01:02:22,325 --> 01:02:24,625

in there in this situation.

: 1111

01:02:24,965 --> 01:02:29,435

And if you live a life where you're

constantly looking at gratitude in

: 1112

01:02:29,435 --> 01:02:34,614

there, then when you have a tough

time, you can stop, you can take a

: 1113

01:02:34,624 --> 01:02:38,235

big breath and say, hang on, I don't

like how I'm feeling right now.

: 1114

01:02:38,545 --> 01:02:44,165

What do I need to do to change that so

we can go back and change it by thinking

: 1115

01:02:44,175 --> 01:02:48,715

of things we are thankful for right

now, just because this isn't going our

: 1116

01:02:48,715 --> 01:02:54,124

way, what are things, you know, that are

good about right now and trying to get

: 1117

01:02:54,125 --> 01:02:58,575

into that positive attitude in there,

but it needs to come with a heavy dose

: 1118

01:02:58,865 --> 01:03:01,095

of what we call realistic optimism.

: 1119

01:03:01,645 --> 01:03:02,005

Right?

: 1120

01:03:02,195 --> 01:03:07,325

Because the reality is, my sibling

is my sibling and they have the

: 1121

01:03:07,325 --> 01:03:11,185

right to be off and doing other

things, not with me all the time.

: 1122

01:03:11,485 --> 01:03:15,445

The reality is also that that

does hurt my feelings, right?

: 1123

01:03:16,134 --> 01:03:17,785

But where do I go from there?

: 1124

01:03:18,085 --> 01:03:21,095

So we can be our own positive

coach in those situations.

: 1125

01:03:21,735 --> 01:03:24,685

When we do the Bounce Back and

Thrive program, which we just

: 1126

01:03:24,685 --> 01:03:26,805

finished up here in Ontario.

: 1127

01:03:27,445 --> 01:03:33,385

You know, we talk about, um, how we

talk to ourselves, then that makes a

: 1128

01:03:33,385 --> 01:03:38,614

difference, because the talk that's

going on in our heads dictates our

: 1129

01:03:38,614 --> 01:03:44,024

emotions, how we feel, and how we

feel dictates our actions in there.

: 1130

01:03:44,325 --> 01:03:48,765

So if we can change that talk that's

going on in our head, and be a more

: 1131

01:03:48,775 --> 01:03:53,005

positive coach and say, hang on, yes,

you're feeling sad, you're having a

: 1132

01:03:53,005 --> 01:03:56,714

nice little pity party here, but if

you don't like how that's feeling,

: 1133

01:03:57,110 --> 01:03:58,700

Then let's look at this differently.

: 1134

01:03:58,970 --> 01:04:00,790

I'm happy that they're off and away.

: 1135

01:04:01,010 --> 01:04:04,980

Now I get some time to be here and

doing my own things without them

: 1136

01:04:04,980 --> 01:04:08,500

bugging me, you know, all of those

things and be that positive coach.

: 1137

01:04:08,720 --> 01:04:09,659

I can do this.

: 1138

01:04:09,930 --> 01:04:12,209

They're going to be back

later in the afternoon.

: 1139

01:04:12,450 --> 01:04:16,370

Maybe they'll come back in a really

good mood, you know, and then maybe

: 1140

01:04:16,370 --> 01:04:19,620

they'll even feel a little bit guilty

and they'll want to do what I want to

: 1141

01:04:19,620 --> 01:04:21,380

do because they've been away, right?

: 1142

01:04:21,410 --> 01:04:25,580

There's all sorts of positive ways, but

switching that talk around in your head.

: 1143

01:04:25,945 --> 01:04:29,145

So that you can be your own

positive coach in there.

: 1144

01:04:29,715 --> 01:04:34,725

The other thing we did here at the house,

because we have three kids and man from

: 1145

01:04:34,725 --> 01:04:38,925

the same genetic pool, I don't know how

they could be so different, but they are.

: 1146

01:04:39,265 --> 01:04:44,685

And our youngest one did not have

that sunny first attitude and

: 1147

01:04:44,695 --> 01:04:46,455

that positive mood in the world.

: 1148

01:04:46,755 --> 01:04:48,755

She was kind of a negative Nelly.

: 1149

01:04:48,995 --> 01:04:55,510

Um, she, is now a massage therapist and is

out helping the world in tremendous ways.

: 1150

01:04:55,840 --> 01:04:58,360

But we went through a time

where everything was like,

: 1151

01:04:58,380 --> 01:05:00,160

Oh man, life just sucks.

: 1152

01:05:00,610 --> 01:05:01,090

So.

: 1153

01:05:02,210 --> 01:05:06,010

We actually made a list of

what makes you feel good.

: 1154

01:05:06,300 --> 01:05:09,180

So when you're feeling that

way, we would acknowledge that.

: 1155

01:05:09,180 --> 01:05:10,860

Oh, this is a tough day.

: 1156

01:05:10,870 --> 01:05:13,639

One of those days where you're

not feeling good about things.

: 1157

01:05:14,000 --> 01:05:15,100

Go check the list.

: 1158

01:05:15,180 --> 01:05:17,769

If you want to change

that, you can do that.

: 1159

01:05:17,788 --> 01:05:21,279

Go pull something off the

list that makes you feel good.

: 1160

01:05:21,300 --> 01:05:23,740

And for her, it was about the animals.

: 1161

01:05:23,930 --> 01:05:26,070

Go grabbing the cat and petting the cat.

: 1162

01:05:26,290 --> 01:05:27,550

She loves to be outside.

: 1163

01:05:27,725 --> 01:05:27,925

Right?

: 1164

01:05:27,935 --> 01:05:29,065

She, she kayaks.

: 1165

01:05:29,065 --> 01:05:30,695

She does all sorts of things.

: 1166

01:05:30,695 --> 01:05:31,955

She cross country skis.

: 1167

01:05:32,385 --> 01:05:36,015

So for her, she would choose

something off of her list that we

: 1168

01:05:36,015 --> 01:05:40,145

had made and stuck to the wall,

puts the control back in her hands.

: 1169

01:05:40,404 --> 01:05:42,315

So she's not a victim here.

: 1170

01:05:42,615 --> 01:05:46,485

She's a powerful, you know, young

lady who gets to go and choose with

: 1171

01:05:46,485 --> 01:05:48,805

awareness what she wants to do.

: 1172

01:05:49,215 --> 01:05:52,745

And so she would choose something

off the list and do that for a while.

: 1173

01:05:53,105 --> 01:05:55,815

Um, if that wasn't enough, then

we would choose something else.

: 1174

01:05:56,035 --> 01:05:59,245

There were things like playing

with Play Doh, asking to go and

: 1175

01:05:59,245 --> 01:06:01,425

use the pool, um, doing painting.

: 1176

01:06:01,434 --> 01:06:04,325

She loves to be creative with things.

: 1177

01:06:04,654 --> 01:06:07,615

So there were things like that

that got her out of where she

: 1178

01:06:07,615 --> 01:06:10,265

was and into a better headspace.

: 1179

01:06:10,870 --> 01:06:15,090

So, again, it's about you being you

and not just, and I'm looking at you,

: 1180

01:06:15,260 --> 01:06:18,800

I know you guys can't see us, but I'm

seeing Kate pick up the fly swatter.

: 1181

01:06:19,099 --> 01:06:24,880

Mosquitoes this year are horrendous and

I'm, I'm trying to ignore the one, the

: 1182

01:06:24,940 --> 01:06:28,900

one, the three that are buzzing around

the back of my head here, but anyway,

: 1183

01:06:28,930 --> 01:06:30,570

trying to be positive about this.

: 1184

01:06:31,140 --> 01:06:34,620

Um, the other thing we did is

we had a channel changer, so

: 1185

01:06:34,650 --> 01:06:36,620

just like a remote control here.

: 1186

01:06:37,779 --> 01:06:42,890

Um, we made a channel changer out of a

Smarties box and we just put stickers

: 1187

01:06:42,890 --> 01:06:46,830

on it and you could take that and

you could point it at your head and

: 1188

01:06:46,830 --> 01:06:50,350

click any one of the buttons if you

didn't like the channel you were on.

: 1189

01:06:50,740 --> 01:06:54,499

So if you were on the pity channel,

you could point that at your head and

: 1190

01:06:54,500 --> 01:06:59,400

go click and you could decide that you

wanted to be on the feeling happy channel.

: 1191

01:07:00,060 --> 01:07:01,630

And we practiced it as a game.

: 1192

01:07:01,630 --> 01:07:05,620

We had home daycare here for a while,

when our kids were little, so that I

: 1193

01:07:05,620 --> 01:07:06,990

could, I could be at home with them.

: 1194

01:07:07,400 --> 01:07:09,409

And we would use it as a game.

: 1195

01:07:09,460 --> 01:07:12,440

And we would click onto the silly

channel, and everybody would stick

: 1196

01:07:12,440 --> 01:07:15,500

out their tongue, and dance around

the, you know, the living room.

: 1197

01:07:15,788 --> 01:07:19,840

We would click it on the sad channel,

and everybody would burst into tears.

: 1198

01:07:19,840 --> 01:07:21,360

And just so that you...

: 1199

01:07:21,910 --> 01:07:26,350

Can help kids understand if you

don't like the feeling that you

: 1200

01:07:26,350 --> 01:07:28,450

have, you're not stuck there.

: 1201

01:07:28,900 --> 01:07:30,340

You can change that.

: 1202

01:07:31,000 --> 01:07:32,470

We even had the homework channel.

: 1203

01:07:32,475 --> 01:07:36,010

The kids would sit at the

table doing their homework and.

: 1204

01:07:37,070 --> 01:07:40,430

Um, I would holler from the kitchen,

doesn't sound like you're getting your

: 1205

01:07:40,430 --> 01:07:43,660

homework done, get on the homework

channel, and they would take an

: 1206

01:07:43,660 --> 01:07:47,970

imaginary remote, point it at their

head and go click, and we would

: 1207

01:07:47,970 --> 01:07:49,690

get ten more minutes of homework.

: 1208

01:07:49,790 --> 01:07:52,639

Not a half an hour, maybe

five or ten minutes.

: 1209

01:07:52,989 --> 01:07:55,540

But it's just a way of helping them.

: 1210

01:07:55,920 --> 01:07:58,770

Realize that you don't have

to be stuck where you're at.

: 1211

01:07:58,779 --> 01:08:03,830

You are in control, you are your

own person, and you get to choose.

: 1212

01:08:04,260 --> 01:08:08,150

Sometimes it was a little overwhelming

and it just, they couldn't get there.

: 1213

01:08:08,389 --> 01:08:11,750

And then we just show lots

and lots of empathy, right?

: 1214

01:08:12,029 --> 01:08:16,899

But again, not stepping in too

quickly to fix it, and putting

: 1215

01:08:16,899 --> 01:08:20,740

the power back in their hands, if

they're old enough to manage this.

: 1216

01:08:20,950 --> 01:08:24,290

And you'd be surprised that three is

old enough to do this kind of stuff.

: 1217

01:08:25,090 --> 01:08:28,500

But we're not trying to make it

equal for each of you, we're not

: 1218

01:08:28,510 --> 01:08:32,200

trying to fix it, we're trying to

get you to take charge of your life.

: 1219

01:08:32,550 --> 01:08:34,590

If you don't like it, change it.

: 1220

01:08:35,050 --> 01:08:40,299

But we do empathize, we do support

in choosing and helping you learning

: 1221

01:08:40,300 --> 01:08:41,658

to choose a different way to be.

: 1222

01:08:43,190 --> 01:08:45,520

So there you go, there's

my other soapbox for today.

: 1223

01:08:46,490 --> 01:08:49,540

Caite: Picturing one of our old remote

controls becoming repurposed here.

: 1224

01:08:50,368 --> 01:08:54,200

Um, so another question that

I had, Jane, was about...

: 1225

01:08:54,705 --> 01:08:58,165

Building the kinds of relationships

that we want our kids to have with

: 1226

01:08:58,165 --> 01:09:03,145

each other now so that when they're

adults that hopefully fingers

: 1227

01:09:03,165 --> 01:09:06,835

crossed, they actually are friends

and want to spend time together.

: 1228

01:09:06,835 --> 01:09:10,484

I mean, of course, sorry,

there are no guarantees.

: 1229

01:09:10,515 --> 01:09:13,395

You know, they like, you know,

they come into the world and they

: 1230

01:09:13,395 --> 01:09:16,165

are who they are and maybe they're

not going to get along forever.

: 1231

01:09:16,165 --> 01:09:20,565

But you know, as As parents, I think we

all would hope that our kids will enjoy

: 1232

01:09:20,565 --> 01:09:22,415

spending time together as they grow up.

: 1233

01:09:22,415 --> 01:09:26,325

So do you have any thoughts on, on

things we can do now when they're

: 1234

01:09:26,325 --> 01:09:29,065

young or when they're teenagers

to develop those relationships?

: 1235

01:09:37,055 --> 01:09:39,943

Jane: Yeah, well, you guys pick

the easy questions, don't you?

: 1236

01:09:39,953 --> 01:09:40,955

Holy cow.

: 1237

01:09:41,354 --> 01:09:46,955

Um, I think for this one,

yeah, no problem there.

: 1238

01:09:47,305 --> 01:09:47,725

Um.

: 1239

01:09:48,180 --> 01:09:50,970

I think you hit on a couple

of really key points.

: 1240

01:09:50,979 --> 01:09:53,470

Number one, we don't get to

make that choice for them.

: 1241

01:09:54,010 --> 01:09:58,500

Uh, we can do the best that we can now,

but that is, you know, some personalities

: 1242

01:09:58,530 --> 01:10:04,859

mesh better than others, and some, you

know, will find ways to get along, but

: 1243

01:10:04,860 --> 01:10:07,190

may never be just best friends in there.

: 1244

01:10:07,650 --> 01:10:12,160

So again, I think growing up,

trying to do things so that

: 1245

01:10:13,065 --> 01:10:14,315

That we've already talked about.

: 1246

01:10:14,535 --> 01:10:17,475

Resisting that urge to compare, right?

: 1247

01:10:17,555 --> 01:10:20,855

Don't set them up to

compete with each other.

: 1248

01:10:21,505 --> 01:10:25,165

So, trying not to say, Come on,

you know, it's time to get up.

: 1249

01:10:25,165 --> 01:10:27,305

Your brother's already

up and down at the table.

: 1250

01:10:27,795 --> 01:10:33,434

Trying to get to the point where,

Where, um, Where we're talking

: 1251

01:10:33,434 --> 01:10:35,659

about them and what they're doing.

: 1252

01:10:36,210 --> 01:10:42,050

So describing what we see, what we

feel, um, what needs to be done without

: 1253

01:10:42,050 --> 01:10:46,330

involving the other child so that we're

not setting them up for competition

: 1254

01:10:46,330 --> 01:10:50,239

at an early age, which comes back

to bite them in their adult years.

: 1255

01:10:50,570 --> 01:10:50,930

Right?

: 1256

01:10:50,950 --> 01:10:53,229

So I think that's the

first thing to remember.

: 1257

01:10:53,719 --> 01:10:57,630

The next, I think, is, is basically

looking at the stage your kid is at.

: 1258

01:10:58,140 --> 01:11:02,309

So when we're talking about teens,

and you guys are, are all up there,

: 1259

01:11:02,640 --> 01:11:08,315

um, Remembering that for them,

again, just like, you know, just

: 1260

01:11:08,315 --> 01:11:11,505

like our three and four year olds,

they're at an age of independence,

: 1261

01:11:11,835 --> 01:11:13,754

and it's a time of separation.

: 1262

01:11:14,174 --> 01:11:15,494

So seeing them...

: 1263

01:11:15,830 --> 01:11:19,540

Separating in the teen years and

not wanting to be with each other

: 1264

01:11:19,880 --> 01:11:22,090

isn't necessarily a bad sign.

: 1265

01:11:22,450 --> 01:11:25,290

Sometimes it's just development in there.

: 1266

01:11:25,640 --> 01:11:30,539

Their peers outside of the family

become the relationship of choice.

: 1267

01:11:31,040 --> 01:11:35,600

Because they're supposed to be becoming

independent and being their own person.

: 1268

01:11:36,010 --> 01:11:40,030

So, allow them to save face

in there, that's the ultimate.

: 1269

01:11:40,400 --> 01:11:45,930

Don't corner them and tackle them

so that they lose face in front of,

: 1270

01:11:46,380 --> 01:11:48,300

um, their peers or their siblings.

: 1271

01:11:48,715 --> 01:11:53,925

It's a big part of it, and then

allowing them that separation, you know,

: 1272

01:11:53,945 --> 01:11:56,215

allowing them to be their own person.

: 1273

01:11:56,475 --> 01:12:00,045

They will come back once they've

gone through that time, but

: 1274

01:12:00,045 --> 01:12:01,614

you have to let it happen.

: 1275

01:12:02,285 --> 01:12:03,105

Meanwhile...

: 1276

01:12:04,150 --> 01:12:08,630

The, the stuff that builds relationships

is important, so have fun together.

: 1277

01:12:08,970 --> 01:12:12,470

And this is where I think I drive

parents crazy, because they'll come

: 1278

01:12:12,470 --> 01:12:15,610

to me and say, you know, this is

going wrong, and this isn't working

: 1279

01:12:15,610 --> 01:12:17,400

well, and, and this isn't happening.

: 1280

01:12:17,400 --> 01:12:19,000

How do we, how do we deal with this?

: 1281

01:12:19,240 --> 01:12:20,800

And I say, what do you do for fun?

: 1282

01:12:21,520 --> 01:12:23,960

And they look at me like I have

horns growing out of my head.

: 1283

01:12:24,360 --> 01:12:24,970

Fun?

: 1284

01:12:25,210 --> 01:12:26,870

I don't want to have fun with these guys.

: 1285

01:12:26,880 --> 01:12:28,300

They're miserable to be with.

: 1286

01:12:28,710 --> 01:12:32,720

Go out and figure out

ways to have fun together.

: 1287

01:12:33,129 --> 01:12:36,599

And back to that comment

earlier, you know, sometimes

: 1288

01:12:36,600 --> 01:12:38,890

their behaviour reflects...

: 1289

01:12:39,325 --> 01:12:44,735

This need for separation and this

need for saving face, and they become

: 1290

01:12:44,745 --> 01:12:50,365

people who aren't pleasant to be

around as they put these things into

: 1291

01:12:50,365 --> 01:12:53,755

place so that the separation happens.

: 1292

01:12:54,344 --> 01:12:55,275

Let it happen.

: 1293

01:12:55,285 --> 01:12:56,505

Don't take it personally.

: 1294

01:12:56,505 --> 01:12:58,345

We call it don't tipping your canoe.

: 1295

01:12:58,684 --> 01:12:58,985

T.

: 1296

01:12:58,985 --> 01:12:59,125

I.

: 1297

01:12:59,125 --> 01:12:59,445

P.

: 1298

01:12:59,445 --> 01:13:00,915

stands for take it personally.

: 1299

01:13:01,165 --> 01:13:04,065

When we tip a canoe, everybody gets wet.

: 1300

01:13:04,535 --> 01:13:05,665

So just take a breath.

: 1301

01:13:06,155 --> 01:13:10,025

Step back and say, oh yeah,

they're at a time of independence.

: 1302

01:13:10,025 --> 01:13:11,985

They need a little bit of space here.

: 1303

01:13:12,355 --> 01:13:13,525

Give them some space.

: 1304

01:13:14,265 --> 01:13:17,845

But do what you can to have

fun together because it's in

: 1305

01:13:17,845 --> 01:13:19,404

those fun times when we're out.

: 1306

01:13:19,405 --> 01:13:21,135

I mean, we're water people here.

: 1307

01:13:21,135 --> 01:13:25,014

We've got a pool, uh, out front because

we never get, we never got away in

: 1308

01:13:25,014 --> 01:13:26,544

the summertime on the farm, right?

: 1309

01:13:27,765 --> 01:13:30,565

And now that we're older, we

still head for water everywhere.

: 1310

01:13:31,575 --> 01:13:34,725

Having fun together is when

we build communication.

: 1311

01:13:35,125 --> 01:13:40,175

Having fun together is when we learn to be

helpful with each other, to do our problem

: 1312

01:13:40,184 --> 01:13:43,805

solving together, to build trust in there.

: 1313

01:13:44,094 --> 01:13:48,724

All of that happens when we're enjoying

each other and having fun together.

: 1314

01:13:49,065 --> 01:13:51,765

So really do your best

to have those times.

: 1315

01:13:52,015 --> 01:13:54,905

And again, we're not talking about

going away for the whole day.

: 1316

01:13:55,235 --> 01:13:59,055

If you can do something for an hour,

whether you're into board games, whether

: 1317

01:13:59,055 --> 01:14:03,870

you're watching TV together, Whether you

like to cook or barbecue, whether, you

: 1318

01:14:03,870 --> 01:14:07,970

know, like us, we're going to head out

and fish in the kayaks, um, that kind of

: 1319

01:14:07,970 --> 01:14:11,330

stuff, do something that's fun together.

: 1320

01:14:11,490 --> 01:14:16,460

We still read together with our kids

at bedtime, long, long, long after

: 1321

01:14:16,460 --> 01:14:17,830

they could read for themselves.

: 1322

01:14:18,230 --> 01:14:20,450

I would read a page,

they would read a page.

: 1323

01:14:20,730 --> 01:14:24,680

It's just a time together to

keep that communication going.

: 1324

01:14:25,070 --> 01:14:30,400

And again, going back to modeling that

gratitude and appreciation in our life.

: 1325

01:14:31,105 --> 01:14:35,365

So that when they do become adults,

and I can remember, I guess, probably

: 1326

01:14:35,365 --> 01:14:40,005

around the age of 23 or 24, and

now we know, of course, that that's

: 1327

01:14:40,005 --> 01:14:45,855

when that brain really becomes fully

developed, is way up at those ages.

: 1328

01:14:46,165 --> 01:14:49,675

And thinking, oh, that's what

my mom was talking about.

: 1329

01:14:49,995 --> 01:14:51,505

That's what she meant by that.

: 1330

01:14:51,855 --> 01:14:55,645

And having that lightbulb come

on, but not until I was that old.

: 1331

01:14:56,305 --> 01:15:03,725

So, being able to Having been brought up

to show gratitude and appreciation, it

: 1332

01:15:03,725 --> 01:15:08,395

didn't always kick in when it was needed,

but it kicked in in those mid twenties.

: 1333

01:15:08,825 --> 01:15:14,094

And so then I became better friends

with my siblings at that point because

: 1334

01:15:14,095 --> 01:15:19,135

I had that basis to go back to even if

I couldn't use it during the teen years.

: 1335

01:15:20,515 --> 01:15:23,245

And I guess the last thing I

can think of in there is don't

: 1336

01:15:23,245 --> 01:15:24,485

always try and be the hero.

: 1337

01:15:25,180 --> 01:15:25,430

Right?

: 1338

01:15:25,430 --> 01:15:28,940

Don't always try and be

the one that gets it done.

: 1339

01:15:29,430 --> 01:15:31,410

Like Kate was saying,

you know, we're rescuers.

: 1340

01:15:31,700 --> 01:15:32,900

We're in these professions.

: 1341

01:15:32,900 --> 01:15:36,230

We're doing what we're doing today

because we want to be helpful and

: 1342

01:15:36,230 --> 01:15:37,449

make the world a better place.

: 1343

01:15:38,230 --> 01:15:44,340

But if you can step back from being the

hero and turn your, you know, your kids

: 1344

01:15:44,820 --> 01:15:49,290

to their siblings and say, I can't help

you right now, but maybe so and so could

: 1345

01:15:49,290 --> 01:15:54,270

help out and get them working together

so that their sibling then becomes...

: 1346

01:15:54,730 --> 01:15:59,430

a help and a problem solver that

will come back to roost again in

: 1347

01:15:59,430 --> 01:16:01,400

their adult years as well in there.

: 1348

01:16:01,740 --> 01:16:08,460

So, teach them negotiation and delegation

at the age they're at no matter what age

: 1349

01:16:08,490 --> 01:16:13,439

they're at because those are tools that

you also get to use with your siblings.

: 1350

01:16:13,979 --> 01:16:18,780

Um, we had, we had a few teens come

and live with us at different times

: 1351

01:16:19,160 --> 01:16:22,320

over the years that weren't able to

be at home for a variety of reasons.

: 1352

01:16:23,100 --> 01:16:26,250

Um, we always had a chore

chart on the fridge.

: 1353

01:16:26,670 --> 01:16:30,380

Today was Monday, it was your

responsibility to be washing dishes, your

: 1354

01:16:30,380 --> 01:16:35,590

responsibility to be drying dishes, your

responsibility to sweep up after supper.

: 1355

01:16:36,080 --> 01:16:40,949

Well, one of our teens hated doing dishes,

but that's non negotiable in our house.

: 1356

01:16:41,270 --> 01:16:43,170

If you eat, you clean up.

: 1357

01:16:43,600 --> 01:16:49,800

So she was a master negotiator, and she's

an adult, an amazing mom and adult today.

: 1358

01:16:50,195 --> 01:16:55,515

But she negotiated with all the others

on her nights to wash, she would sweep

: 1359

01:16:55,515 --> 01:16:59,025

up, she would clean the bathroom,

she didn't mind doing those things.

: 1360

01:16:59,134 --> 01:17:01,684

I don't think she ever did a

dish while she was living here.

: 1361

01:17:02,254 --> 01:17:03,055

But you know what?

: 1362

01:17:03,105 --> 01:17:06,504

If you can do that, and that's

okay with the people you're

: 1363

01:17:06,504 --> 01:17:08,865

negotiating with, go for it!

: 1364

01:17:09,215 --> 01:17:10,555

I mean, why wouldn't you?

: 1365

01:17:10,875 --> 01:17:12,715

So teach them negotiation.

: 1366

01:17:13,355 --> 01:17:14,085

Let them...

: 1367

01:17:14,420 --> 01:17:18,520

Learn to problem solve with their

siblings as they're growing up and

: 1368

01:17:18,520 --> 01:17:22,520

that will again come to roost and I

think makes for a better Relationship

: 1369

01:17:22,850 --> 01:17:27,559

as adults because they still get to

be their own person, but they do value

: 1370

01:17:27,780 --> 01:17:33,929

what the other people were doing in

their lives as well Make sense hopefully

: 1371

01:17:36,919 --> 01:17:44,365

Caite: So Jane speaking of things being

equal and equitable and fair and This

: 1372

01:17:44,365 --> 01:17:50,855

whole thing, I think one of the things as

farm families we miss is that all these

: 1373

01:17:50,875 --> 01:17:55,984

little things about things not being

fair and everyone being okay with it is

: 1374

01:17:56,025 --> 01:18:02,014

when it comes to farm succession, whether

it's that the farm gets sold and split

: 1375

01:18:02,124 --> 01:18:10,600

or, you know, one sibling takes it over

or however that goes, that That being

: 1376

01:18:11,090 --> 01:18:14,770

fair seems to destroy so many families.

: 1377

01:18:14,780 --> 01:18:22,510

And I mean, we currently have

a local family who, I think the

: 1378

01:18:22,510 --> 01:18:26,390

issue was that the farmland was

sold for less than market value.

: 1379

01:18:27,250 --> 01:18:33,740

And the sibling who feels shortchanged

has put a series of full sheets of plywood

: 1380

01:18:33,750 --> 01:18:41,355

with increasingly Rage filled messages

in his front yard, which is in the

: 1381

01:18:41,355 --> 01:18:44,015

middle of the family farm on the highway.

: 1382

01:18:44,675 --> 01:18:49,905

And you know, this is how they're

working through this family issue.

: 1383

01:18:51,065 --> 01:18:57,405

And so I'm, I'm, I'm realizing

that I don't, I mean I would like

: 1384

01:18:57,405 --> 01:18:59,575

our kids to take over the farm.

: 1385

01:19:00,055 --> 01:19:05,405

But my biggest goal is that they not hate

each other at the end of whatever happens.

: 1386

01:19:06,210 --> 01:19:11,440

Um, and so I'm wondering how we can

build towards that without there

: 1387

01:19:11,450 --> 01:19:15,860

being this pressure that they, you

know, get along at all times because

: 1388

01:19:15,870 --> 01:19:19,490

mommy will be mad if we're ever upset

with each other, you know, I mean,

: 1389

01:19:20,210 --> 01:19:23,920

I don't care if they're mad at each

other because that's what humans do.

: 1390

01:19:23,959 --> 01:19:29,469

They get mad about stuff, but I

don't really want to spend eternity

: 1391

01:19:29,469 --> 01:19:35,815

rolling over in my grave because my

family is writing Incredibly angry

: 1392

01:19:35,815 --> 01:19:40,785

messages to each other on 8 foot by

8 foot signs in their front yard.

: 1393

01:19:41,934 --> 01:19:46,705

You know, um, It's, I have pictures

Arlene, I'll send them to you.

: 1394

01:19:46,954 --> 01:19:50,115

They're, yeah, it's a, it's a whole thing.

: 1395

01:19:50,574 --> 01:19:54,523

Um, And I mean it's, it's a lot of money.

: 1396

01:19:54,693 --> 01:19:57,104

That was getting split up, but still.

: 1397

01:19:58,295 --> 01:20:02,535

Jane: Did we mention earlier on

that feelings dictate actions?

: 1398

01:20:02,565 --> 01:20:03,995

Yeah, that person has some feelings.

: 1399

01:20:04,155 --> 01:20:07,284

Here's that perfect example of it.

: 1400

01:20:07,615 --> 01:20:09,845

Somebody's feelings are of some...

: 1401

01:20:11,054 --> 01:20:16,205

Yeah, some feelings that

have not been acknowledged.

: 1402

01:20:16,214 --> 01:20:20,124

not been dealt with, and their

actions are definitely showing

: 1403

01:20:20,124 --> 01:20:21,565

what those feelings are.

: 1404

01:20:22,195 --> 01:20:25,184

So, boy, you guys do

not take any questions.

: 1405

01:20:27,720 --> 01:20:30,620

Caite: I think it's, it's one of those

things too in farms, you know, I have

: 1406

01:20:30,620 --> 01:20:34,650

friends who've lost farms that they've

been running their whole lives because the

: 1407

01:20:34,650 --> 01:20:37,100

grandparents decided to split it equally.

: 1408

01:20:37,809 --> 01:20:41,549

And then there's, you know, I have

a friend who lost a farm because it

: 1409

01:20:41,549 --> 01:20:44,939

got split 36 different ways, I think.

: 1410

01:20:44,990 --> 01:20:48,350

And like 34 of those people

lived in California and saw

: 1411

01:20:48,350 --> 01:20:51,070

a paycheck, which is fine.

: 1412

01:20:51,270 --> 01:20:55,520

You know, that's, that's their business,

but there's no way that somebody is

: 1413

01:20:55,540 --> 01:20:56,760

going to be able to buy that out.

: 1414

01:20:57,440 --> 01:20:59,930

You know, there's, that's

never going to happen.

: 1415

01:21:00,050 --> 01:21:06,920

And so, trying to be fair can destroy

it faster than anything, I think.

: 1416

01:21:06,920 --> 01:21:07,609

Jane: Absolutely.

: 1417

01:21:07,610 --> 01:21:08,490

Absolutely.

: 1418

01:21:08,490 --> 01:21:10,549

And so how we raise our

kids for things to be...

: 1419

01:21:13,400 --> 01:21:16,120

Um, yeah, he'd be equitable.

: 1420

01:21:16,120 --> 01:21:16,370

Yeah.

: 1421

01:21:16,370 --> 01:21:20,259

And there's a difference between being

equitable and being equal, right?

: 1422

01:21:20,260 --> 01:21:23,500

And fairness somewhere in

there in the middle of all that

: 1423

01:21:23,830 --> 01:21:25,400

we have to figure that out.

: 1424

01:21:25,480 --> 01:21:29,220

And I think we've covered a

lot of it, um, in some ways.

: 1425

01:21:29,230 --> 01:21:32,690

So let's, let's, this is a good

question to pull it all back together

: 1426

01:21:33,040 --> 01:21:38,880

again, treating people uniquely,

not being drawn into, but she,

: 1427

01:21:39,140 --> 01:21:41,059

but he, as they're growing up.

: 1428

01:21:41,440 --> 01:21:45,830

So that they realize you deal with

the problem and the situation,

: 1429

01:21:46,030 --> 01:21:47,860

not necessarily the person.

: 1430

01:21:48,570 --> 01:21:54,240

And so again, you know, we mentioned

that farming life, one advantage that

: 1431

01:21:54,240 --> 01:21:58,040

we do have is that farming life, if

you grow up on the farm, helping out

: 1432

01:21:58,499 --> 01:22:00,890

teaches you life is not fair, right?

: 1433

01:22:01,160 --> 01:22:03,850

Animals die, accidents happen.

: 1434

01:22:04,130 --> 01:22:05,820

We don't control that weather.

: 1435

01:22:06,020 --> 01:22:09,500

A lot of things are out of our

control and life isn't fair.

: 1436

01:22:10,250 --> 01:22:13,970

The other piece, I think, um, and

you, you guys have mentioned it

: 1437

01:22:14,010 --> 01:22:18,559

throughout this, I think, is that

relationships are never 50 50, right?

: 1438

01:22:18,639 --> 01:22:23,920

Sometimes relationships are 90 10,

sometimes they're 30 70, they're

: 1439

01:22:23,940 --> 01:22:26,430

always changing, always evolving.

: 1440

01:22:27,050 --> 01:22:30,200

And that negotiation in

there is a part of that.

: 1441

01:22:30,410 --> 01:22:34,320

When I can't manage this right

now, I'm gonna delegate, I'm

: 1442

01:22:34,320 --> 01:22:37,640

gonna reach out for help, we're

gonna figure this out together.

: 1443

01:22:37,940 --> 01:22:41,680

But right now, maybe I do 90

percent of what needs to be done.

: 1444

01:22:41,950 --> 01:22:46,800

I have to say, you know, I, I write notes

about a lot of this stuff, just so that if

: 1445

01:22:46,800 --> 01:22:49,180

I have to go back to them, they're there.

: 1446

01:22:49,430 --> 01:22:50,650

And my husband, Wayne...

: 1447

01:22:51,590 --> 01:22:54,970

As I'm sitting there last night

deciding to change everything I

: 1448

01:22:54,980 --> 01:22:58,550

wanted to say, you know, and I said,

Oh, geez, it's almost nine o'clock.

: 1449

01:22:58,559 --> 01:23:00,770

Can you go get the get

the animals in please?

: 1450

01:23:01,139 --> 01:23:04,800

I know it's my job, but I just I need

to get this done and I need to get this

: 1451

01:23:04,800 --> 01:23:08,280

finished, you know, and he heads out the

door and he does those things right even

: 1452

01:23:08,280 --> 01:23:13,460

though they're, it was my job to do that

tonight as well as do supper tonight,

: 1453

01:23:13,780 --> 01:23:16,230

just one of those days, you have to.

: 1454

01:23:16,715 --> 01:23:21,095

Bring them up doing those things

so that they get used to that at

: 1455

01:23:21,095 --> 01:23:23,315

a younger age if you can, right?

: 1456

01:23:23,335 --> 01:23:27,615

And I think you guys both have done

that with your, with your kids that,

: 1457

01:23:27,825 --> 01:23:32,964

you know, we listen, we hear what you're

saying, we show lots of empathy, and

: 1458

01:23:32,965 --> 01:23:35,184

then we bring reality back to roost.

: 1459

01:23:35,670 --> 01:23:38,220

Right now, this is just

what needs to happen.

: 1460

01:23:38,480 --> 01:23:42,100

I'm sorry you're unhappy with

that, but right now, this is

: 1461

01:23:42,100 --> 01:23:43,590

what needs to be happening.

: 1462

01:23:44,020 --> 01:23:49,459

So, and again, you know, we teach them

negotiation and choosing with awareness.

: 1463

01:23:49,720 --> 01:23:51,210

What is the outcome you want?

: 1464

01:23:51,539 --> 01:23:53,519

What's the best way to do that?

: 1465

01:23:53,830 --> 01:23:57,700

You know, and if it isn't fair

and you're still getting what you

: 1466

01:23:57,700 --> 01:23:59,559

need out of this, is that okay?

: 1467

01:24:00,290 --> 01:24:00,660

Right?

: 1468

01:24:01,020 --> 01:24:06,050

So, We don't give into extortion or

bribery anywhere in there, right?

: 1469

01:24:06,050 --> 01:24:09,300

We don't allow people to,

to hold that over others.

: 1470

01:24:09,740 --> 01:24:14,890

But, you know, we can, we can

negotiate for what works in there.

: 1471

01:24:14,900 --> 01:24:17,930

It's a, it's a big part of

our parenting life in there.

: 1472

01:24:18,719 --> 01:24:22,600

But I guess underneath it all, I mean,

we always did the three R's, right?

: 1473

01:24:22,940 --> 01:24:27,300

Respect for self, respect for others,

and respect for the world around you.

: 1474

01:24:27,630 --> 01:24:29,480

Those were the rules that our household...

: 1475

01:24:29,950 --> 01:24:33,520

Um, ran on partially because we're

that old and, you know, reduce,

: 1476

01:24:33,520 --> 01:24:35,240

recycle, reuse kind of thing, right?

: 1477

01:24:35,750 --> 01:24:43,510

But, we expected you to honour the spirit

of that, not the letter of the law.

: 1478

01:24:43,849 --> 01:24:48,440

And I think sometimes we get caught

up so much in trying to make things

: 1479

01:24:48,480 --> 01:24:52,860

equitable, trying to make things equal,

when, you know, when they're working

: 1480

01:24:52,860 --> 01:24:55,830

together and all of that is happening.

: 1481

01:24:57,020 --> 01:25:01,790

We need to sometimes put that

aside and say this is the outcome

: 1482

01:25:01,790 --> 01:25:03,720

we want, how do we get there?

: 1483

01:25:04,230 --> 01:25:06,010

And that's basic problem solving.

: 1484

01:25:06,709 --> 01:25:11,068

So we teach kids, and that's one of the

reasons why we want them to do a lot of

: 1485

01:25:11,070 --> 01:25:15,679

their own problem solving, with the little

things that are going on in their life

: 1486

01:25:15,679 --> 01:25:18,180

right now, so that they get those skills.

: 1487

01:25:18,809 --> 01:25:24,350

And being able to step back and take a

breath and just relax and realize that

: 1488

01:25:24,369 --> 01:25:29,375

tomorrow is a new day, is And that what

happens here right now is going to be

: 1489

01:25:29,375 --> 01:25:31,715

okay no matter how we decide to do it.

: 1490

01:25:32,035 --> 01:25:35,193

That's a big part of growing up

and figuring things out there.

: 1491

01:25:35,904 --> 01:25:41,135

So again, we're raising those kids with a

backbone that can bend and twist, rather

: 1492

01:25:41,135 --> 01:25:45,515

than being that brick wall, rather than

being that jellyfish that gets walked on.

: 1493

01:25:45,955 --> 01:25:52,565

But also realizing that you need to

look at what it is you want and, and,

: 1494

01:25:53,650 --> 01:25:59,050

Work in a world towards that rather

than always making things fair.

: 1495

01:26:00,090 --> 01:26:01,160

Does that make sense?

: 1496

01:26:03,390 --> 01:26:07,010

I mean, that's, that's not an easy

question to happen because first of

: 1497

01:26:07,010 --> 01:26:11,780

all, I think the love of the farm

and the love of the land and the ties

: 1498

01:26:11,780 --> 01:26:17,070

to the land and the lifestyle are

so deeply ingrained in most of us.

: 1499

01:26:17,360 --> 01:26:18,480

And I'm a transplant.

: 1500

01:26:18,910 --> 01:26:19,270

Right?

: 1501

01:26:19,500 --> 01:26:22,570

I came into this, you

know, in my early 20s.

: 1502

01:26:22,840 --> 01:26:24,650

Now, I was a military family.

: 1503

01:26:24,870 --> 01:26:27,550

We, we didn't have any place to call home.

: 1504

01:26:28,000 --> 01:26:31,780

We picked up kids as we went through the

different provinces, adopted them in.

: 1505

01:26:32,260 --> 01:26:33,950

We didn't have those ties.

: 1506

01:26:34,260 --> 01:26:36,650

But I've been here 40, over 40 years now.

: 1507

01:26:36,650 --> 01:26:40,700

We just celebrated our 40th

wedding anniversary this month.

: 1508

01:26:40,900 --> 01:26:47,140

Um, the ties to the land are in there

and they're entwined in my soul.

: 1509

01:26:47,785 --> 01:26:52,885

So again, going back to acknowledging

those feelings, but looking at

: 1510

01:26:53,345 --> 01:26:55,625

what is the end result you want?

: 1511

01:26:55,964 --> 01:26:57,745

Do you want the farm to go on?

: 1512

01:26:57,765 --> 01:27:02,165

Do you want, you know, do you

want these things to happen?

: 1513

01:27:02,165 --> 01:27:05,384

Well then, what do we have

to put in place to do that?

: 1514

01:27:05,943 --> 01:27:08,044

Um, kids have stress too.

: 1515

01:27:08,074 --> 01:27:11,705

There's a game like that called

the What If Game, that you, starts

: 1516

01:27:11,705 --> 01:27:14,805

off with kids as young as, well

as soon as they can talk, really.

: 1517

01:27:15,475 --> 01:27:16,684

So about three or four.

: 1518

01:27:17,225 --> 01:27:19,165

So, are you guys up for a very quick game?

: 1519

01:27:21,545 --> 01:27:22,135

If we play it?

: 1520

01:27:22,385 --> 01:27:24,125

Okay, so Arlene, we're going to the zoo.

: 1521

01:27:24,155 --> 01:27:27,485

This may be the wrong game with you

two because I tell you, you're going

: 1522

01:27:27,485 --> 01:27:30,995

to come up with the weirdest things in

this and I'm going to be fighting to

: 1523

01:27:31,014 --> 01:27:35,055

figure out what one's supposed to answer

to this, but if we go to the zoo and

: 1524

01:27:35,115 --> 01:27:37,775

you can bring home anything you want,

Arlene, what do you want to bring home?

: 1525

01:27:44,815 --> 01:27:49,105

I have never had a red panda before and

I've been doing this for over 30 years.

: 1526

01:27:49,135 --> 01:27:53,125

Okay, if we bring a red panda home,

Kate, we gotta feed this thing.

: 1527

01:27:53,125 --> 01:27:54,273

What does a panda eat?

: 1528

01:27:58,475 --> 01:28:01,395

I don't think red pandas eat bamboo.

: 1529

01:28:01,395 --> 01:28:02,885

I feel like maybe they're...

: 1530

01:28:03,784 --> 01:28:04,094

Omnivores?

: 1531

01:28:05,690 --> 01:28:08,530

See, nobody else would think that.

: 1532

01:28:08,530 --> 01:28:13,660

I say this is Arlene's problem, and she

better get her ass googling and find out.

: 1533

01:28:13,889 --> 01:28:17,360

Because she's the one who wanted

to bring the damn hand home.

: 1534

01:28:19,110 --> 01:28:22,970

Okay, so anyway, Arlene's going to tell

us what red pandas eat, do you know?

: 1535

01:28:26,530 --> 01:28:28,330

Okay, so we're going to

pretend that they eat...

: 1536

01:28:29,470 --> 01:28:30,160

Yeah, they are.

: 1537

01:28:30,250 --> 01:28:31,570

So they eat small children.

: 1538

01:28:31,809 --> 01:28:33,730

, where are we going to

get small children from?

: 1539

01:28:33,940 --> 01:28:36,430

You know, we're gonna, we're

gonna steal them off the street.

: 1540

01:28:36,880 --> 01:28:41,890

If it's basically if we feed

them, then if we feed them, poop's

: 1541

01:28:41,895 --> 01:28:43,240

going to come out the back end.

: 1542

01:28:43,420 --> 01:28:44,800

Who's going to clean up the poop?

: 1543

01:28:44,805 --> 01:28:45,130

Kate

: 1544

01:28:48,690 --> 01:28:50,309

Arlene, because it was her panda.

: 1545

01:28:50,970 --> 01:28:54,270

Alright, see also the Smithsonian.

: 1546

01:28:56,530 --> 01:29:02,340

Smithsonian Zoo says that red pandas are

obligate bamboo eaters, but they also eat

: 1547

01:29:02,340 --> 01:29:05,960

roots, succulent grasses, fruits, insects,

and grubs, and are known to occasionally

: 1548

01:29:05,960 --> 01:29:08,590

kill and eat birds and small mammals.

: 1549

01:29:08,630 --> 01:29:11,889

So, small children might be on that list.

: 1550

01:29:12,660 --> 01:29:13,780

Yes, there you go.

: 1551

01:29:13,930 --> 01:29:17,010

Okay, so then we ask the kids, you

know, where do we get this from?

: 1552

01:29:17,010 --> 01:29:18,600

Where are we going to get bamboo from?

: 1553

01:29:18,600 --> 01:29:20,210

Not easily found around here.

: 1554

01:29:20,500 --> 01:29:22,359

And if we feed them, poop comes out.

: 1555

01:29:22,360 --> 01:29:23,469

Who's going to clean up the poop?

: 1556

01:29:23,739 --> 01:29:25,720

It's about teaching forward thinking.

: 1557

01:29:26,059 --> 01:29:30,760

If we want this to happen, what do

we have to put in place to make sure

: 1558

01:29:30,760 --> 01:29:33,670

we're ready for that and so that

we're going in the right direction?

: 1559

01:29:34,000 --> 01:29:37,580

And once they can play it as a

game, Then we use it for real life.

: 1560

01:29:37,880 --> 01:29:40,900

So normally when I teach this,

we talk about swimming lessons.

: 1561

01:29:41,250 --> 01:29:42,530

We're heading to the pool.

: 1562

01:29:42,840 --> 01:29:45,360

Um, when we get to the pool,

are you going to go into the

: 1563

01:29:45,360 --> 01:29:47,210

change room with mom or with dad?

: 1564

01:29:47,539 --> 01:29:50,120

When we get in there, you're going

to hang up your clothes on the hooks.

: 1565

01:29:50,150 --> 01:29:52,159

You're going to put them in the locker.

: 1566

01:29:52,280 --> 01:29:53,249

Then what do we do?

: 1567

01:29:53,489 --> 01:29:55,939

And you let the kids

come up with the answers.

: 1568

01:29:56,300 --> 01:30:01,160

And depending on what their answer is,

we look at the problems around that.

: 1569

01:30:01,230 --> 01:30:04,990

If we head right into the pool,

The lifeguard's gonna holler at

: 1570

01:30:04,990 --> 01:30:07,930

us and say, Hey you guys, you

don't get to go swimming yet.

: 1571

01:30:08,300 --> 01:30:09,920

You gotta go back and have a shower.

: 1572

01:30:10,100 --> 01:30:12,340

So Arlene, hot shower or cold shower?

: 1573

01:30:15,850 --> 01:30:17,929

Hot shower, good, cause

I hate cold showers.

: 1574

01:30:18,210 --> 01:30:19,780

And then what do we do next, Kate?

: 1575

01:30:20,148 --> 01:30:21,180

After our shower?

: 1576

01:30:24,939 --> 01:30:26,190

Walk to the pool?

: 1577

01:30:27,200 --> 01:30:30,140

I assume we have our bathing

suits on before the shower, right?

: 1578

01:30:30,510 --> 01:30:34,870

Exactly, because we got changed,

so we headed into there and the

: 1579

01:30:34,910 --> 01:30:37,950

lifeguard hollered at us again, Hey,

you guys can't go in the pool yet.

: 1580

01:30:38,240 --> 01:30:42,299

You gotta go over and sit on the

bleachers and wait for your instructor.

: 1581

01:30:42,610 --> 01:30:45,580

So do we want to sit on the top

bleacher or the low bleacher?

: 1582

01:30:47,929 --> 01:30:50,240

I forgot we were at lessons

and not at open swim.

: 1583

01:30:50,350 --> 01:30:51,100

Bottom bleacher.

: 1584

01:30:51,940 --> 01:30:57,130

Okay, so it's basically just helping

the child go through step by step so

: 1585

01:30:57,130 --> 01:31:01,898

that they've figured out what's coming

next, what problems we might come up

: 1586

01:31:01,900 --> 01:31:04,409

against and how do we solve that problem.

: 1587

01:31:04,820 --> 01:31:08,519

So even kids as young as three

and four and five can play the

: 1588

01:31:08,520 --> 01:31:12,850

what if game and then we do it,

it's, it's basically teaching us

: 1589

01:31:12,860 --> 01:31:14,350

so that when we get to be adults.

: 1590

01:31:14,980 --> 01:31:18,800

We can do forward thinking and

say if we want this to happen,

: 1591

01:31:18,800 --> 01:31:22,340

if this is the outcome we want,

what do we have to put in place?

: 1592

01:31:22,630 --> 01:31:24,780

What are the obstacles that might come up?

: 1593

01:31:25,020 --> 01:31:27,029

How are we going to deal

with those obstacles?

: 1594

01:31:27,470 --> 01:31:30,620

And it, it lessens some of the

stress because we've been through

: 1595

01:31:30,620 --> 01:31:32,660

the situation in our brain.

: 1596

01:31:33,100 --> 01:31:36,520

And so when we come to actually

doing it, we have some ideas

: 1597

01:31:36,520 --> 01:31:38,170

on the paths that we can take.

: 1598

01:31:38,550 --> 01:31:42,390

So, problem solving is one of those

things that we can be teaching now

: 1599

01:31:42,390 --> 01:31:46,340

with our kids all the way through,

so they get better at it as adults.

: 1600

01:31:46,340 --> 01:31:51,930

And hopefully, that will come and be

helpful when we get into situations that

: 1601

01:31:51,970 --> 01:31:57,050

aren't going to be fair, but that we want

a certain outcome, how do we do that?

: 1602

01:31:57,570 --> 01:32:00,320

So that's the beginning of

problem solving for young kids.

: 1603

01:32:02,255 --> 01:32:10,575

So, Jane, since this is a very, uh,

useful skill, I think, especially where

: 1604

01:32:10,575 --> 01:32:16,434

our kids are at right now, do we say

our kids are running late every morning?

: 1605

01:32:16,775 --> 01:32:21,075

Do we start at the problem and work

backwards for what needs to happen

: 1606

01:32:21,075 --> 01:32:22,445

to get us out the door on time?

: 1607

01:32:25,370 --> 01:32:26,900

Which way do we play this?

: 1608

01:32:27,000 --> 01:32:28,840

Which direction do we play this game?

: 1609

01:32:28,990 --> 01:32:33,839

Make sure they know how to play the game

and do that in a fun way first, right?

: 1610

01:32:33,840 --> 01:32:37,940

So that they know how this works and

they get used to that so that they've got

: 1611

01:32:37,940 --> 01:32:40,389

that, that muscle memory built in there.

: 1612

01:32:40,620 --> 01:32:43,650

Or that, uh, the, the solving

memory built in there.

: 1613

01:32:43,910 --> 01:32:47,360

And then you go back to saying, Hey

guys, let's play the what if game about

: 1614

01:32:47,370 --> 01:32:48,770

getting out of the house in the morning.

: 1615

01:32:49,030 --> 01:32:51,240

Because that seems to

be a challenge for us.

: 1616

01:32:51,260 --> 01:32:55,239

So let's start when, you know, because

we, we have to be out by this time.

: 1617

01:32:55,549 --> 01:32:58,640

And then you go back and start,

okay, so when we get up, what's

: 1618

01:32:58,640 --> 01:32:59,809

the first thing we got to do?

: 1619

01:32:59,870 --> 01:33:02,710

And then take them

through that step by step.

: 1620

01:33:02,980 --> 01:33:05,130

And it involves them, it

does a couple of things.

: 1621

01:33:05,445 --> 01:33:08,745

It gives you an idea of what's

going to happen, right, so that

: 1622

01:33:08,745 --> 01:33:10,635

they know what the expectations are.

: 1623

01:33:10,915 --> 01:33:13,425

But it also gets them engaged.

: 1624

01:33:13,635 --> 01:33:17,755

So you've hooked them in, and they're

now part of solving the problem.

: 1625

01:33:22,065 --> 01:33:23,955

That buy in is really important.

: 1626

01:33:25,875 --> 01:33:25,895

So,

: 1627

01:33:32,585 --> 01:33:35,545

we ask, so we're like

at our last question.

: 1628

01:33:37,510 --> 01:33:40,390

We ask all of our guests, if you

were going to dominate a category at

: 1629

01:33:40,390 --> 01:33:41,809

the county fair, what would it be?

: 1630

01:33:43,150 --> 01:33:44,349

I love this question.

: 1631

01:33:44,350 --> 01:33:46,090

It is so out of the box.

: 1632

01:33:47,159 --> 01:33:53,030

So, um, because I knew this was coming,

I put way too much thought into this.

: 1633

01:33:53,330 --> 01:33:57,990

So I started thinking, they need

to have a category that is called

: 1634

01:33:58,180 --> 01:34:00,570

mental bailer twine and duct tape.

: 1635

01:34:01,375 --> 01:34:06,455

So that it's basically a challenge to

get the job done, whatever they ask you

: 1636

01:34:06,455 --> 01:34:11,584

to do, with whatever is around, without

having the appropriate stuff to do it.

: 1637

01:34:12,214 --> 01:34:14,815

And then I thought, well, no, no,

that's too heady, that's, that's

: 1638

01:34:14,874 --> 01:34:17,775

way too, way too complicated.

: 1639

01:34:18,690 --> 01:34:22,309

So then I went to a game

that we actually play here.

: 1640

01:34:22,760 --> 01:34:24,550

And, cause I love our local fairs.

: 1641

01:34:25,040 --> 01:34:27,150

We have a game called the Stump Game.

: 1642

01:34:27,150 --> 01:34:29,460

And I, I encourage you guys to try this.

: 1643

01:34:29,809 --> 01:34:31,780

It doesn't matter what age you are.

: 1644

01:34:33,110 --> 01:34:34,769

It levels the playing field.

: 1645

01:34:35,429 --> 01:34:39,880

You take two stumps and you place them,

I don't know, about ten yards apart.

: 1646

01:34:41,320 --> 01:34:43,600

And you take a very, very long rope.

: 1647

01:34:45,050 --> 01:34:47,040

Each one of you stands on a stump.

: 1648

01:34:48,085 --> 01:34:51,325

And with both feet so that

you're a little unstable and you

: 1649

01:34:51,325 --> 01:34:53,325

hold the very end of the rope.

: 1650

01:34:53,895 --> 01:34:58,885

When somebody says go, you start

scooping the rope up hand over hand

: 1651

01:34:59,934 --> 01:35:01,555

and pulling it till it's tight.

: 1652

01:35:02,105 --> 01:35:08,855

Once the rope is taut between you, your

job is to unstump the other person.

: 1653

01:35:09,995 --> 01:35:13,735

So you would think it's

about power and strength.

: 1654

01:35:14,145 --> 01:35:16,485

It has nothing to do

with power and strength.

: 1655

01:35:16,875 --> 01:35:18,625

It's all strategy.

: 1656

01:35:19,155 --> 01:35:22,934

You can hold it tight, and then as

the other person pulls, because you've

: 1657

01:35:22,934 --> 01:35:26,205

got lots of rope behind you, you can

let it slide through your hands, and

: 1658

01:35:26,205 --> 01:35:28,625

as they pull hard, off they topple.

: 1659

01:35:29,014 --> 01:35:32,434

It becomes quite the game, and

so you can have kids that are

: 1660

01:35:34,085 --> 01:35:37,514

5, 6, and 7, uh, unstumping.

: 1661

01:35:38,370 --> 01:35:40,710

their adult counterparts on the other log.

: 1662

01:35:41,059 --> 01:35:42,719

It's an absolute blast.

: 1663

01:35:43,070 --> 01:35:45,309

And I think, so this is when we play here.

: 1664

01:35:45,520 --> 01:35:49,570

We were privileged to have a whole

bunch of students from the University

: 1665

01:35:49,570 --> 01:35:54,240

of Costa Rica um, come up and stay

with us for a while here in Canada.

: 1666

01:35:54,530 --> 01:35:59,655

They came out to the farm for a unique

Canadian Um, camping experience where

: 1667

01:35:59,655 --> 01:36:03,615

they camped outside in the backfields

and helped around the farm for a

: 1668

01:36:03,615 --> 01:36:09,014

while and we played this game and

had an absolute blast, but I think

: 1669

01:36:09,135 --> 01:36:11,193

for me, it comes down to the fact.

: 1670

01:36:11,225 --> 01:36:14,664

I would be awesome at this

because I read people.

: 1671

01:36:14,924 --> 01:36:16,605

This is what I do for a living, right?

: 1672

01:36:16,805 --> 01:36:19,085

So you can tell what the

other person is going to do.

: 1673

01:36:19,355 --> 01:36:23,215

And I think farming enters into that

because we're constantly trying to

: 1674

01:36:23,215 --> 01:36:25,085

figure out what that cow is going to do.

: 1675

01:36:25,085 --> 01:36:25,154

Right.

: 1676

01:36:25,485 --> 01:36:29,205

What that horse is going to do,

how to get that last damn chicken

: 1677

01:36:29,205 --> 01:36:31,005

into the chicken coop, right?

: 1678

01:36:31,245 --> 01:36:35,695

So we're constantly reading what they're

going to do and how they're going to act

: 1679

01:36:35,964 --> 01:36:38,344

and having strategies for doing that.

: 1680

01:36:38,374 --> 01:36:41,193

So I think they should have

that at every campfire.

: 1681

01:36:41,264 --> 01:36:44,165

So then you, you know, end up

with a championship at the end.

: 1682

01:36:50,115 --> 01:36:51,585

All right, I guess we'll move into our...

: 1683

01:36:51,855 --> 01:36:53,344

Absolutely, absolutely.

: 1684

01:36:54,405 --> 01:36:54,785

Yeah.

: 1685

01:36:54,785 --> 01:36:55,025

Yeah.

: 1686

01:36:55,025 --> 01:36:55,495

That's right.

: 1687

01:36:55,975 --> 01:36:56,215

Yeah.

: 1688

01:36:56,215 --> 01:36:56,625

There's not.

: 1689

01:36:56,625 --> 01:37:00,254

I love that a seven year old where you

can have different people of different

: 1690

01:37:00,255 --> 01:37:01,825

ages all competing in the same thing.

: 1691

01:37:02,965 --> 01:37:05,645

So we will go ahead into our

cussing and discussing segment.

: 1692

01:37:05,975 --> 01:37:11,175

We have our online platform where you can

leave your cussing and discussing audio

: 1693

01:37:11,205 --> 01:37:14,554

messages for us and we'll play them on the

show or you can always send us an email.

: 1694

01:37:14,834 --> 01:37:17,434

Check the show notes for

the links to both of those.

: 1695

01:37:18,004 --> 01:37:21,484

Katie, what are we cussing and

discussing this week from Iowa?

: 1696

01:37:30,465 --> 01:37:31,425

Caite: insects.

: 1697

01:37:31,934 --> 01:37:33,315

I know they're important.

: 1698

01:37:33,555 --> 01:37:35,115

I know they're beneficial.

: 1699

01:37:37,035 --> 01:37:38,235

There are.

: 1700

01:37:38,895 --> 01:37:45,344

It's may, it's not even peak bugs season

yet, and I've done everything I can

: 1701

01:37:45,344 --> 01:37:50,684

with, you know, encouraging bats and

making sure our screens are tight and.

: 1702

01:37:52,090 --> 01:37:58,420

The gnats, the flies,

inside, outside, everywhere.

: 1703

01:37:58,440 --> 01:38:03,180

I hung a, one of those fly traps that

has like the dehydrated fish guts

: 1704

01:38:03,180 --> 01:38:08,309

or whatever in it the other day, in

the flower bed in front of my house

: 1705

01:38:08,309 --> 01:38:15,570

because for whatever reason, the

peonies are an absolute fly magnet.

: 1706

01:38:15,730 --> 01:38:17,139

And there was literally...

: 1707

01:38:17,950 --> 01:38:22,190

An inch of flies within

a few hours in this trap.

: 1708

01:38:23,660 --> 01:38:28,760

I have bug catcher light

things in the house.

: 1709

01:38:28,790 --> 01:38:29,790

I have fly tapes.

: 1710

01:38:29,809 --> 01:38:34,420

I have like every insect

killer known to humankind.

: 1711

01:38:35,764 --> 01:38:39,905

And then yesterday, I opened the

dishwasher, which is full of clean dishes,

: 1712

01:38:40,035 --> 01:38:42,485

and my dishwasher is full of sugar ants.

: 1713

01:38:42,505 --> 01:38:44,035

Those little teeny tiny ones?

: 1714

01:38:45,045 --> 01:38:47,525

I Too far!

: 1715

01:38:48,154 --> 01:38:51,584

And, one of my children

brought home lice from school.

: 1716

01:38:51,924 --> 01:38:52,704

So like,

: 1717

01:38:55,795 --> 01:38:56,594

I just I'm done.

: 1718

01:38:56,875 --> 01:38:58,085

No more bugs.

: 1719

01:38:58,365 --> 01:39:00,025

I don't care if they're beneficial.

: 1720

01:39:00,490 --> 01:39:03,750

I don't like them, and I don't

want them in my house, and I don't

: 1721

01:39:03,750 --> 01:39:06,660

want them around my house, and I

don't want them anywhere near me.

: 1722

01:39:07,410 --> 01:39:07,670

I...

: 1723

01:39:08,420 --> 01:39:09,210

No!

: 1724

01:39:10,500 --> 01:39:11,940

Definitely not in my clean dishes.

: 1725

01:39:13,309 --> 01:39:13,398

Ugh.

: 1726

01:39:14,670 --> 01:39:15,180

Anyway.

: 1727

01:39:15,710 --> 01:39:17,789

Jane, what do you have to

cuss and disgust today?

: 1728

01:39:19,020 --> 01:39:20,898

Jane: I'm with you on

the bugs, first of all.

: 1729

01:39:21,010 --> 01:39:24,520

I just think, yeah, they are

just horrendous this year.

: 1730

01:39:24,690 --> 01:39:27,440

Although the dragonflies have

just come out up here, so

: 1731

01:39:27,840 --> 01:39:28,990

there is hope in the world.

: 1732

01:39:30,660 --> 01:39:35,570

I, I think for me, um, Arlene

mentioned we, uh, became

: 1733

01:39:35,570 --> 01:39:37,650

grandparents a year and a half ago.

: 1734

01:39:38,870 --> 01:39:42,389

And for me, I think

it's about getting old.

: 1735

01:39:42,639 --> 01:39:48,610

You know, we're, I'm now in that

generation of where you better do what

: 1736

01:39:48,610 --> 01:39:50,469

you want to do and you better do it now.

: 1737

01:39:51,370 --> 01:39:52,969

So live life with intention.

: 1738

01:39:53,400 --> 01:39:54,460

Get out there.

: 1739

01:39:54,559 --> 01:39:56,120

Um, bugs are no bugs.

: 1740

01:39:56,150 --> 01:39:57,410

Wear your bug jackets.

: 1741

01:40:00,295 --> 01:40:01,355

Take those trips.

: 1742

01:40:01,725 --> 01:40:03,785

Go and visit those

people you want to visit.

: 1743

01:40:04,205 --> 01:40:08,055

Eat what you want to eat, because

tomorrow is not guaranteed.

: 1744

01:40:08,934 --> 01:40:15,004

And as much as we just reached the

retirement age around here, we're

: 1745

01:40:15,005 --> 01:40:19,825

finding that we don't have the energy,

we don't have, um, the resources,

: 1746

01:40:20,325 --> 01:40:25,804

um, and the physical ability to

do some of the things that we were

: 1747

01:40:25,805 --> 01:40:27,305

hoping to do in our retirement.

: 1748

01:40:27,835 --> 01:40:28,574

So don't wait for it.

: 1749

01:40:28,995 --> 01:40:30,014

Go and do it now.

: 1750

01:40:30,475 --> 01:40:31,285

Don't get old.

: 1751

01:40:31,344 --> 01:40:31,945

It's a trap.

: 1752

01:40:31,965 --> 01:40:33,995

Yeah, do what you want

to do and do it now.

: 1753

01:40:34,065 --> 01:40:40,264

It's a good one I know that Katie and I

are both in Multi generational family farm

: 1754

01:40:40,264 --> 01:40:43,785

situations and I know that in my case.

: 1755

01:40:43,785 --> 01:40:48,085

I'm definitely Seeing those situations

in the the generations ahead of us.

: 1756

01:40:48,115 --> 01:40:53,565

So I hope that I will Keep that in mind

Especially going into summer right make

: 1757

01:40:53,565 --> 01:40:58,085

the time to go to the beach or do you take

take the family trip even if it's only two

: 1758

01:41:04,725 --> 01:41:05,105

Yeah.

: 1759

01:41:07,255 --> 01:41:07,945

Exactly.

: 1760

01:41:07,955 --> 01:41:08,575

And you guys got together.

: 1761

01:41:08,575 --> 01:41:09,434

I think that's...

: 1762

01:41:14,255 --> 01:41:16,025

Yeah, it is definitely...

: 1763

01:41:16,954 --> 01:41:17,815

You know, it's...

: 1764

01:41:18,105 --> 01:41:22,514

Even this weekend we had two parties,

despite the fact that we had hay down.

: 1765

01:41:22,514 --> 01:41:23,744

And the hay got done.

: 1766

01:41:23,995 --> 01:41:24,534

It always gets done.

: 1767

01:41:26,715 --> 01:41:30,445

Um, but I think especially with

farming, remembering that...

: 1768

01:41:31,240 --> 01:41:33,270

The work will never be done.

: 1769

01:41:33,370 --> 01:41:34,650

I mean, the hay got done.

: 1770

01:41:34,969 --> 01:41:36,230

There's still feed to grind.

: 1771

01:41:36,600 --> 01:41:39,630

There's still 58 million

other things to do.

: 1772

01:41:40,290 --> 01:41:41,889

The kids aren't getting any younger.

: 1773

01:41:41,990 --> 01:41:43,570

We're not getting any younger.

: 1774

01:41:45,429 --> 01:41:48,120

You still have to just

make the time to do it.

: 1775

01:41:48,190 --> 01:41:50,150

And I know it's easier said than done.

: 1776

01:41:50,150 --> 01:41:51,559

I absolutely know that.

: 1777

01:41:51,730 --> 01:41:57,080

But, it's, there's never going to be a

magic day that everything is finished.

: 1778

01:41:57,160 --> 01:42:00,090

So, you might as well just figure it out.

: 1779

01:42:01,160 --> 01:42:01,910

Oh, thanks.

: 1780

01:42:02,059 --> 01:42:02,280

Yeah.

: 1781

01:42:02,330 --> 01:42:05,059

Anyway, Arlene, what do you

have to custom discuss today?

: 1782

01:42:05,350 --> 01:42:06,360

And I like your shirt, by the way.

: 1783

01:42:06,540 --> 01:42:07,570

This is very snazzy.

: 1784

01:42:08,510 --> 01:42:08,920

Real.

: 1785

01:42:09,539 --> 01:42:09,680

I like it.

: 1786

01:42:12,230 --> 01:42:12,919

There you go.

: 1787

01:42:12,920 --> 01:42:13,260

Yeah.

: 1788

01:42:13,260 --> 01:42:14,469

Take my word for it, listeners.

: 1789

01:42:14,469 --> 01:42:15,660

Arlene looks really nice.

: 1790

01:42:15,739 --> 01:42:18,690

You can, uh, sign up for her Patreon and

then you can see what she looks like.

: 1791

01:42:18,690 --> 01:42:20,559

I was thinking about it as

we were recording because I

: 1792

01:42:20,559 --> 01:42:21,840

didn't plan anything ahead.

: 1793

01:42:22,280 --> 01:42:27,750

Um, but mine is one of those

good news, bad news scenarios.

: 1794

01:42:28,460 --> 01:42:28,969

So...

: 1795

01:42:29,680 --> 01:42:35,580

It's the stage I'm in where I've got,

like most listeners know, if you've

: 1796

01:42:35,580 --> 01:42:38,080

been listening for a while, I've got a

daughter and then I've got three sons.

: 1797

01:42:38,129 --> 01:42:43,059

And so our three boys

right now are 15, 12 and 8.

: 1798

01:42:43,059 --> 01:42:47,318

And a lot of the time they

actually play quite well together.

: 1799

01:42:47,450 --> 01:42:51,520

Some of the, a lot of that time is

playing video games, but they enjoy

: 1800

01:42:51,550 --> 01:42:54,570

doing it together and with a range

of ages it's fun that they can have

: 1801

01:42:54,570 --> 01:42:56,059

something that they enjoy doing together.

: 1802

01:42:56,764 --> 01:43:01,725

But there are moments now where

I'm realizing that I am getting

: 1803

01:43:01,745 --> 01:43:03,005

the one getting left out.

: 1804

01:43:03,285 --> 01:43:07,144

So that scenario that Katie was talking

about, and Jane was talking to us about,

: 1805

01:43:07,145 --> 01:43:14,370

about reflecting on, you know, the

positives, and also reminding myself that

: 1806

01:43:14,370 --> 01:43:17,980

I want these kids to build relationships

with each other is a good thing.

: 1807

01:43:18,410 --> 01:43:22,259

So I have to remember that them

hanging out together and excluding me

: 1808

01:43:22,270 --> 01:43:28,880

is actually a positive, even though

sometimes it's like, hey, I'm still cool.

: 1809

01:43:29,309 --> 01:43:32,059

I know I'm no good at that game, and

you're all going to beat me in the first

: 1810

01:43:32,059 --> 01:43:33,770

round, but maybe I could play or...

: 1811

01:43:34,775 --> 01:43:38,055

I could just go read my

book and enjoy my time.

: 1812

01:43:38,075 --> 01:43:40,745

So I know that this is not a stage

that all of our listeners are at.

: 1813

01:43:40,825 --> 01:43:43,855

If your kids are still attached

to you at all times, I get that

: 1814

01:43:43,855 --> 01:43:45,035

and I was definitely there.

: 1815

01:43:45,475 --> 01:43:48,634

But there will come a day where

you're not cool anymore and they

: 1816

01:43:48,634 --> 01:43:49,715

don't want to play with you.

: 1817

01:43:49,745 --> 01:43:52,045

So good news, bad news.

: 1818

01:43:59,880 --> 01:44:02,639

Caite: Arlene, I was thinking about

that while we were talking today too,

: 1819

01:44:02,670 --> 01:44:06,059

that, you know, right now if I do

something weird, my kid thinks it's

: 1820

01:44:06,059 --> 01:44:08,070

hilarious and they think it's great.

: 1821

01:44:08,860 --> 01:44:13,090

And I know the day is coming

soon that they will be horrified

: 1822

01:44:13,200 --> 01:44:14,648

to be associated with me.

: 1823

01:44:16,960 --> 01:44:17,889

And that's fine.

: 1824

01:44:18,360 --> 01:44:20,699

Lots of people have been horrified to

be associated with me through the years.

: 1825

01:44:20,700 --> 01:44:24,520

Thank you, Jane, for the separation

is natural and necessary.

: 1826

01:44:24,520 --> 01:44:26,789

That was something I needed

to hear today as well.

: 1827

01:44:26,830 --> 01:44:30,930

So, that was, uh, my little

lesson among all the lessons.

: 1828

01:44:31,429 --> 01:44:34,049

So, thank you, Jane, for joining us again.

: 1829

01:44:34,059 --> 01:44:37,000

It was amazing to chat with you

again and get your insights.

: 1830

01:44:37,070 --> 01:44:41,510

And, um, if listeners want to connect

with you, do you have somewhere

: 1831

01:44:41,510 --> 01:44:42,839

where they could get in touch?

: 1832

01:44:52,030 --> 01:44:56,630

Jane: Um, yeah, we, uh, you can get

us on the internet, our website, uh,

: 1833

01:44:56,660 --> 01:45:04,210

for, uh, Crow and the Early On Child

and Family Centre is, uh, crowlanark.

: 1834

01:45:04,259 --> 01:45:08,850

com, and so you can find us there, or

if you want to talk to me directly,

: 1835

01:45:09,170 --> 01:45:11,460

I have a Facebook page that is...

: 1836

01:45:11,920 --> 01:45:15,410

Crow Parent Education, and

you can message me there.

: 1837

01:45:15,880 --> 01:45:19,889

And if you just want some tips on

parenting, some tips on mental health,

: 1838

01:45:20,100 --> 01:45:24,320

and even tips, things to do with your

kids, we actually have a YouTube channel.

: 1839

01:45:24,809 --> 01:45:30,849

So our YouTube channel is what Crow stands

for, Children's Resources on Wheels.

: 1840

01:45:31,170 --> 01:45:34,450

And they're just short little

videos, 5 minutes, maybe 10 minutes.

: 1841

01:45:34,889 --> 01:45:37,980

And, uh, you can catch us on there.

: 1842

01:45:38,120 --> 01:45:39,510

That's available.

: 1843

01:45:39,740 --> 01:45:40,639

Just go to...

: 1844

01:45:41,050 --> 01:45:45,570

Children's resources on wheels, hit

videos, and there's lots to choose from.

: 1845

01:45:45,840 --> 01:45:50,599

Any with my smiling face are always

about, uh, behaviour and about parenting.

: 1846

01:45:50,820 --> 01:45:54,580

When you see the other facilitators

on there, there's everything from

: 1847

01:45:54,580 --> 01:45:59,710

literacy and play doh and math, all

sorts of things to just check in about.

: 1848

01:46:07,170 --> 01:46:08,559

Thanks for joining us again, Jane.

: 1849

01:46:09,690 --> 01:46:10,840

Thanks for having us on.

: 1850

01:46:11,090 --> 01:46:15,549

I just have to say going back through

all your different broadcasts, you have

: 1851

01:46:15,550 --> 01:46:18,620

had an amazing array of people on here.

: 1852

01:46:18,939 --> 01:46:25,240

Boy, have you ever had just, you

cover everything and it's funny.

: 1853

01:46:25,589 --> 01:46:28,990

So much of it is great information

and you guys are hilarious.

: 1854

01:46:29,300 --> 01:46:30,020

Just gotta say.

: 1855

01:46:31,850 --> 01:46:32,400

Well, thanks.

: 1856

01:46:35,850 --> 01:46:38,020

Thank you for joining

us on Barnyard Language.

: 1857

01:46:38,030 --> 01:46:41,490

If you enjoy this show, we encourage

you to support us by becoming a patron.

: 1858

01:46:42,090 --> 01:46:43,630

Go to www.

: 1859

01:46:43,680 --> 01:46:44,460

patreon.

: 1860

01:46:44,489 --> 01:46:48,200

coms backslash barnyard language to

make a small monthly donation to help

: 1861

01:46:48,230 --> 01:46:49,809

cover the costs of making this show.

: 1862

01:46:50,540 --> 01:46:53,150

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podcast and follow the show

: 1863

01:46:53,150 --> 01:46:54,559

so you never miss an episode.

: 1864

01:46:55,670 --> 01:46:59,980

You can find us on Facebook,

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: 1865

01:46:59,980 --> 01:47:01,350

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: 1866

01:47:01,740 --> 01:47:04,550

If you want to connect with other

farming families, you can join our

: 1867

01:47:04,559 --> 01:47:06,329

private Barnyard Language Facebook group.

: 1868

01:47:06,978 --> 01:47:09,590

We are always in search

of guests for the podcast.

: 1869

01:47:09,620 --> 01:47:12,680

If you or someone you know would like

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: 1870

01:47:13,059 --> 01:47:16,740

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