# 12 - Be the Parent Who Sparks Change: How to Guide and Support Your Children's Growth

What am I supposed to do now? I've passed those years of I've stuffed them now. Now what am I going to do, like I can't undo what I've done, and you feel so bad as a parent, I know that other people do too, because I've had this conversation with them. Do you want to be the parent who sparks positive change in your children, instead of looking back with regrets about all the things that you think you got wrong, by a change in perspective and a change of focus, you'll be able to be exactly that there. I'm Ian Hawkins, and this is sport. Is life. The purpose of sport, as I see it is to see your vision become a reality, find your voice, create strong connections and learn to trust your body.

I one for the parents today, and if you've been a parent for any number of years, I imagine you would have had the same thought that I've had, that I've had conversations with other people that they've had, is that I've feel like I've messed up my children beyond repair. I look back now and I've learned some things, and I'm like, Oh, I could do things so different. I was so focused on who I didn't want to be as a parent, I've ended up just repeating the same patterns. You may have also heard that that concept of so much of who people grow up to be is formed in those first six to seven years of their life. It's it's ingrained and doesn't change. Remember the first time I heard that? It's like, well, what am I supposed to do now? I've been past those years. I've I've stuffed them now. Now what am I going to do? Like I can't undo what I've done, and you feel so bad as a parent, I know that other people do too, because I've had this conversation with them. There are certain things, certain patterns of behavior. Now, I can't guarantee this, for just from my observation is that some things just seem to be there, and that actually end up being a positive because of the coping skills and the different strategies that we built up over a lifetime to overcome these different challenges. So some things maybe they don't change. So many behaviors and so many negatives can absolutely be changed, though, and you can be the role model of that. You can be a guiding light no matter what age your children are, whether they're grown up, whether they've got their own kids now, whether, whether they're just past that six or seven years, you can absolutely make a difference. Now for me, I started learning all this stuff. So we're going back 1112, years ago now, actually more like 13 years ago now, and my youngest was four or five, and so you would have got some of those early things, but most of what I learned about being a parent, about being a coach, about improving, things wouldn't have happened till it was well past those six, seven years, and I had those same, same thoughts with both of my children. It's like, what have I done? Can be changed. It absolutely can be changed. I've seen it. I've also seen the pain that it causes people when they spend so much time beating themselves up working with a client. At the moment, we've been doing a heap of coaching around their parents and the negative impact that their parents have had, and still have their parents treat each other awfully, and that gets filtered down. They had to experience that growing up. And let's face it, we've all had experiences with our parents that have been less than perfect. Some of you will be worse than others. This particular person was like so much in doubt about their ability to be a parent, to their to their little daughter, because of what that experience and how they were seeing those patterns now coming through again, and they were repeating the same patterns to their child, and I reminded them that change is possible, and they end are changing, and things will get better, and you haven't done untold damage to your child, things can change, and one of the fastest ways to change the perspective is To look back at the positive elements of what parenting you were on the receiving end of look for the good. Now, I'm not here to tell you that every that every set of parents gave children something good, because I've heard some awful stories out there. I. Most people can think of specific examples of what they experienced that even in a tough upbringing, has had a positive impact on their life, either directly or as a result of the different choices that they've made. You may have heard the story about they interviewed the the two sons of an alcoholic. They're twins, one of them also an alcoholic, living on the street, the other one very successful and and very well off businessman. And you ask them both why they are the way they are, and they answer the same way, because my dad was an alcoholic. So there are different choices and different influences and and different ways that we can address the different challenges that we've had in our life. And parenting is no different. Focus on what has been good. This was definitely the case for me when I when my dad passed, it was all the unresolved stuff that came to the surface of like, oh man, like there was this, and I was that, and I was very much in a state of blame when I was going through the process of of changing my own behaviors. Wasn't until I had a moment from my coach of realizing I'm being very focused on the negatives, and instead going maybe well, had it suggested to me that maybe it'd be worthwhile me focusing on all the good, and it just made the world a difference that it can for you to focus on what's good. Now I want to share with you what the transformation is possible, because I was a parent that didn't smack our children, although there probably were moments where where they were in danger that, yeah, definitely would have once or twice out of frustration, fear, my own fear, all those sorts of things, but I was definitely someone that, like nobody, grabbed their wrists too strongly or or reacted with with angry words and in ways that I I look back now, and I really wish that I hadn't, but I can't change that, and that's had a and has had a negative impact on my children different ways, but the transformation is also possible. And I want to share something not from a place of bragging, but because I've been on this journey and I've made all the mistakes it is possible. So now these days, like both my children grown up, youngest is just about to turn 18, they often write handwritten cards to me at birthdays and Christmas, sharing like an outpouring of of love and thanks for the different things that we've done. I love this from my from my 17 year old, from my 50 year, from my 51st birthday just recently, and and it was like, thanks for all the great times and and all the not so great times that have been a learning experience. Like, how good is that? Like? Recognizes that it hasn't all been good, but also recognizes that there have been learning experiences which we've done together, odd and about you guys, but my children have learnt me some learn me. Have taught me some amazing lessons. So you're still getting things from they've taught me some amazing lessons about being a person, and I can think of many of them where they would say something and it'd be just like a slap in the face. I'm like, huh, yeah, that's much simpler way of looking at that's a much better way of looking at it. If you're prepared to listen, if you're prepared to hear the messages, and if you're prepared to be open to change and and doing things differently. Because you still, no matter what age, your children, have the potential to create such a positive change, not by controlling them, by forcing them, by working on you and getting better as you and changing how you are interacting with them, changing how you're showing up in the world, being a role model of of what's possible when you make changes, because that's ultimately all you can do. Get better yourself, a bit like what I talk about around coming back to the process, not the outcome. If your outcome that you're trying to do in the moment is to get a certain response out of them, then you just got to control, manipulate, do a whole lot of things that just that aren't going to work in the long term. Might get an instant result, but it's got to be to your detriment, to theirs, teaching those same patterns, you'll find a way, and you'll find it by first realizing and admitting to yourself that you haven't completely messed up your children. You can do things differently and a commitment to what it is that you want the future to look like, commit that to paper and let your subconscious mind go to work finding you the solutions. And when those solutions show up and those opportunities show up, take them you've asked for them, that part of your brain that does the problem solving and finds your solutions has delivered it to you because it's given you that focus. Us, then it's up to you, do you step over the presser person and take that opportunity, or do you turn back and then regret it? Maybe down the track you've taken the time to listen to this whole episode. Now it's time to take action, commit to one thing you've learned today and make it happen, and to avoid any obstructions, join the sport is life movement by clicking on the link in the show notes you.

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