How to tell your spouse you want a divorce is one of the hardest conversations a person may ever face. In this episode, Lesa Koski shares compassionate, practical guidance on how to tell your spouse you want a divorce with honesty, emotional maturity, and less unnecessary trauma.

If you are considering divorce, preparing for difficult conversations, or trying to navigate divorce in a healthier way, this episode will help you approach this life-changing moment with more clarity and humanity.

Lesa discusses:

• why timing matters
• how to avoid escalating conflict
• why your spouse may need time to process
• how to communicate clearly without cruelty
• and how to protect children emotionally during divorce

This episode also addresses situations involving abuse, control, addiction, or fear for safety and why those situations require additional support and planning.

If you want to do divorce differently—with less destruction and more emotional awareness—this conversation is for you.

Timestamps:

(00:00) Introduction to one of the hardest divorce conversations

(02:10) Why you should never bring up divorce during a fight

(04:15) Understanding that you’ve had a “head start” emotionally

(06:50) Giving your spouse time to process the conversation

(09:05) Why over-explaining and unloading years of pain can backfire

(11:20) How to be clear without being cruel

(14:00) Why emotional regulation matters during divorce conversations

(16:15) Protecting children emotionally during divorce

(18:30) Abuse, addiction, fear, and when safety planning is necessary

(21:10) How to reduce trauma and lifelong damage during divorce

(23:00) Final encouragement and support for listeners

Key Takeaways:

• Timing and emotional regulation matter during difficult divorce conversations
• Your spouse may be hearing this for the first time while you’ve processed it for months or years
• Clarity is important, but cruelty is not necessary
• Children benefit when parents approach divorce with emotional maturity and less conflict
• Abuse or safety concerns require a completely different approach and professional support

Guest Bio:

In this solo episode, Lesa Koski—a divorce attorney, mediator, coach, and host of Doing Divorce Different—shares practical and compassionate guidance for navigating one of the most emotionally difficult conversations in marriage. Lesa is passionate about helping people move through divorce with less trauma, more clarity, and emotional integrity.

Resource Links:

• Work with Lesa Koski: LesaKoski.com
• Learn About Divorce Mediation: Doing Divorce Different Podcast

Tags/Keywords:

how to tell your spouse you want a divorce, divorce conversations, divorce coaching, divorce support, mediation, co-parenting, emotional regulation, healthy divorce, marriage ending, divorce recovery, doing divorce different, divorce advice for women, divorce podcast

Welcome.

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I'm so glad you're here today.

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Today is gonna kinda be a tough, a

tough one, because today we're talking

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about one of the hardest conversations

a person may ever have, and it's how do

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you tell your spouse you want a divorce?

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And when I'm coaching clients,

this comes up a lot, and so I

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just thought, you know what?

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I'm gonna deal with this on an episode.

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And, you know, it takes such a long

time to learn, um, if you're really

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ready for a divorce, and then once

you learn that, then it's like,

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"Ooh, how do I approach this?"

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So what I wanna say is that

there's no perfect way to do this.

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There's no script that's gonna remove

the pain, but there are ways to handle

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this conversation with more compassion

and clarity and emotional maturity,

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and honestly, that really matters.

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So, um, one of the first things I like

to tell my clients is, don't have this

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conversation in the heat of a fight.

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So, like, when you're, you know,

arguing about the groceries or how

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much you've spent or whatever s- like,

child schedule, that is not the time.

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That might be the time where

you get triggered and you

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wanna throw it out there.

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That is not the time to

talk about a divorce.

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So it should never happen

during an argument.

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It should never happen through a

text, because that just doesn't work.

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Even though, like, I think,

"Oh, I can text something.

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I am, like, I can really p- take my

time and do my words right," I am not

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kidding when I do that, people can take

it the wrong way, so don't use it as

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a threat or as emotional punishment.

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So if possible, it should happen, like,

in a calm moment where both people can

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emotionally process what's being said.

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And so the next point that I need to

make, and this is really important, is

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to understand you've had a head start.

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You've been thinking about this for a

long time, and this is really important,

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because often the person bringing up

divorce has been thinking about it for

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months or even years, and the other spouse

may be hearing it for the first time.

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So while you may already be

in problem-solving mode, they

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may be still stuck in shock,

so give them time to process.

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One of the kindest things you can do is

to give the other person time to process.

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Don't pressure them.

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Don't force immediate decisions.

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Don't expect to- them to respond calmly.

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Like, be ready.

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Imagine it could get hard, and just-

You have control over how you respond.

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So just, people just need time

for their brain and body to

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kep up- catch up emotionally.

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So, um, be ready for that.

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Don't over-explain or dump years of pain.

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I've found that's another thing.

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That's the fourth thing.

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Don't over-explain it, um, and

don't dump years of pain because

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that's not gonna help you at all.

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This conversation is not the

moment to unload every resentment

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from the last 20 years.

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You don't need a courtroom presentation,

a character assassination, or a

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list of everything they've ever done

wrong, because sometimes less is

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actually kinder, and at this point,

that's really important, and you

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want them to be able to hear you.

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So the fifth thing Is be

clear without being cruel.

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And sometimes that's really hard

when we are, you know, so kind.

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Sometimes it's hard to say something,

and sometimes we get so angry.

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So there's a difference.

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Remember this, there's a difference

between being honest and being hurtful.

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So you can say, "I don't think we can

continue, can continue this marriage,"

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without attacking, without shaming,

without humiliating, and without blaming.

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And I'm telling you, if you take the

time to coach yourself through this,

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and you can contact me if you need help

getting coached and prepared for this

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conversha- conversation, you will be more

intentional, and you will do a better job.

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It's not gonna be easy.

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It's gonna be painful.

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It's gonna be painful no matter

what, but you can feel good about

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how you handle the situation.

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And then just the sixth thing is

if children are involved, remember,

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your spouse is still your child's

parent, and it's so imp- important

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because you are going to be

connected for the rest of your lives.

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And, you know, if you can do mediation

and co-parent well, there's less conflict,

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and then your kids feel emotionally safe.

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And that's the number one thing

when you have kids, you want

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them to thrive through this.

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Okay.

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I wanna bring this up because

I did have, um, someone that

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I spoke to about abuse today.

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And so if that is an

issue, that's something...

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that's a podcast that's coming up.

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If that's an issue in your marriage,

then you need to be very clear

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that you're gonna need professional

guidan- guidance through this.

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You are going to need to have a plan.

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The woman that I talked

to had a plan of escape.

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So that's a very different story.

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If there's abuse, if there's threats,

if there's addiction, if there's any

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kind of control, if there's any fear

for your safety, this doesn't all apply.

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You need to get help, and you need

to make sure that you have a plan.

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You, you can talk to a therapist.

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You can get the police involved.

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Make sure that you have a safe plan

So, and then just, you know, number

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eight, what people actually need most

at the end of the day, most people

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don't need like a perfect little speech.

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They need emotional regulation,

compassion, clarity, and support.

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If you can do that for the person that

you're asking for a divorce, if you

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can be prepared to intentionally give

some clarity and support, I'm telling

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you, it is going to go so much better.

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So, and this is one reason I just, I care

so deeply about doing divorce differently

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because while it's painful, I've also

seen people create less destructive, less

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trauma, and less lifelong damage in the

way they handle this first conversation.

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So if you are facing this conversation

right now, take a deep breath.

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You don't have to navigate,

navigate this alone.

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I'm here.

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And remember, you can move

through hard things with honesty

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and humanity at the same time.

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Thanks so much for being

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here.