On this episode of The Karen Kenney Show, I talk about the old saying "blood is thicker than water," and why I don't buy it.

​I​'ve seen families ​use ​t​hat old adage to ​try to control ​​people and the narrative, keep ​those old secrets​ buried​, and demand loyalty​...

​Even when those relationships ​have already cause​d real harm.

I ​​discuss finding the "right distance" with family​ members, ​ranging from ​w​icked close - all the way to no contact​ - and the grief ​and sadness that can come with ​t​hat not easily made decision.

I also ​g​et into ​t​he right ​you have to tell ​y​our own story​ - even when other people might get their panties in a bunch about it. 😆

We also touch upon why you sometimes gotta' ​​say no to signing th​e family "code of silence"​, and ​not be willing to protect ​the people who do harm​ - just because ​y​ou'r​e related.

Plus, ​I consider why sometimes maple syrup is thicker than blood​ - when it comes to finding your chosen family​ (aka: friends and sweeties).

Think of this ​sucker as a permission slip to ​go ahead and get curious about question​ing it all​! ❤️

KAREN KENNEY BIO:

Karen Kenney is a writer, speaker, podcaster, certified spiritual mentor, and coach.

She’s known for her dynamic storytelling, her sense of humor, her Boston accent, and her no-bullshit approach to spirituality, self​-discovery, and transformational change work.

Karen helps people to navigate this whole “being human” experience with more love, curiosity,​ courage, and creativity.

She encourages people to learn and explore by using personal stories and a bunch of different practical tools and universal principles.

KK's been a yoga teacher for 25+ years and has been offering Thai Yoga Massage since 2008.

She's also the creator of WRITE CLUB , and the host of The Karen Kenney Show podcast.

She coaches clients individually 1:1 in her HEART-TO-HEART DAYS and in her program, THE QUEST.

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It's the Karen Kenney show. Hey, you guys!

Welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. I'm super duper excited to

be here with you today, and I got my I got my batsy head

sweatshirt on. My little hatching a plan, like I'm up to

no good over here. I'm always kind of hatching a plan. You've

been warned. You've been forewarned. Okay, let's dive

into this sucker, man. I've been thinking about doing this

episode. I don't know if I want to say a wicked long time, but

it's been a while. It's been on my mind and it's been on my hat.

But I want to start with a little, how do I want to start

this? I want to start by saying this: what I'm about to say

might have nothing to do with you, meaning it might not apply

to you. You might not see it the same way. You might totally

disagree with me, and that's completely fine. Okay, this this

one really though is just like a little love letter, a little

love letter to my brothers and sisters out there, to my to my

fellow humans out there, who might struggle with

relationships with their family of origin, and one of the

things, if you saw the title of this sucker, I'm calling it

blood is not thicker than water, and we're gonna get we're gonna

get into that when we think about you know what what I mean

when I say that. What I'm hinting at is the old idiom that

told us we've all been told. Well, maybe not every single one

of us, but a lot of us, especially New England kids

growing up, mass old kids. You know, you you've been told for a

wicked long time. You know, blood is thicker than water, and

this idiom is kind of pointing to this idea that our family

ties are stronger than any other relationships in our life,

right? And where I kind of have-I don't know if I don't

like to use words like always-but where I've had a

problem with this idiom for a while, for a really long time,

is that when we say something like this, especially to a kid,

to a child as they're growing up, as their brain is being

conditioned, because that's what's happening. We know,

especially in those earliest years between, you know, while

you're literally in the third trimester, still in the womb, up

until like you're eight years old, like you're you're kind of

being affected by everything in your environment. So if you have

your parents or your dad or whoever, you know, repeating to

you, blood is sicker than water. Blood is sicker than water, and

you're being kind of force-fed this idea that your loyalty,

because that's what we're really getting down to, right? Is that

your loyalty is to your blood family. Your loyalty is to your

family of origin, and there's a lot of lot of strings that get

attached to that, right? To me, they're like these hooks that

come along with this belief, and I've seen people who use this

term, right? Blood is sicker in water because they're trying to

control you. They're trying to keep you in line. They're trying

to control the narrative. They're trying to keep you from

spilling family secrets. They're trying to do the whole we don't

talk about that outside of this house, right? It's like that one

"Blood is sicker than water. It's like they're trying

to make you take, like you know, when you were kids, and we would

like maybe cut our hand a little bit, and the other person would

cut their hand, and we'd shake hands. We made like a little

blood oath, you know, or sometimes we would spit in our

hands and shake hands, or pinky promise or pinky swears. Right?

That's what kind of these are. But it's this idea that you

never cross the family. You never know. Go against a family.

You always take the family side, no matter what. And I don't know

about you, but I am just not wired that way, I am not wired

that way at all.

Now I don't know if it's just because of how I am, like

literally my personality, for some early conditioning in my

childhood with my mother, and just kind of pushing back

against the status quo and speaking my mind, maybe it's

because I'm a Libra and I have a really strong sense of justice.

I don't know what it is like. I but I don't drink the Kool-Aid

when it comes to this idea that blood is sicker than water. And

one of the reasons why I really want to talk about it is I see

so many people, right? So especially as a coach, as a

spiritual mentor, as a yoga teacher, whatever you know,

people just talk to me as a as somebody who runs Write Club,

and I hear people's stories, and I listen to people's stories,

and I read a ton of books, blah blah blah, just in the

collective conscious. In storytelling, in movies and

films, I have seen it again and again and again. The ways that

people kind of circus allay themselves, twist and contort

themselves, go against their own moral beliefs, go against their

own moral fiber, put up with shit that they would never put

up with otherwise, because it's quote unquote family, and I've

heard so many people say over the years, but I can't say no.

It's my mother, or I can't do that because it's my father, or

my mother and my father would get mad at me, and I'm like,

wait, how old are you? Sometimes I'm not kidding. They'll be like

in their late 60s, and I'll be like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! We're

still, we're still doing shit we don't like or agree with or

whatever because of mummy and daddy, right? So, for those of

you who grew up in incredibly supportive, and loving, and

kind, and compassionate families, you little unicorns,

you like double a men hands. I am genuinely like happy for you

and stuff like that. But I think for a lot of the rest of us, we

have normalized putting up with bullshit that we wouldn't put up

with anywhere else because it's a family member, and this idea

that blood is thicker than water-I'm like, no, blood is not

thicker than water. What about like maple syrup? This is how I

kind of think of it. My relationships a lot of times

with my friends, with my quote-unquote chosen family, and

maybe you can relate to this too. Those those things run just

as deep, if not deeper, because these are people we have chosen,

and we have chosen each other. You know, as I say, you can't

pick your family, right? You're born into the damn thing. It is

what it is. And look, I love my family, and right? I think a lot

of us can say that I love my family, and I have just seen so

much damage over the years, and I think because we don't know

how to have a nuanced or balanced relationship around

this, there's even more confusion and struggling right

now. I've seen so many people talking about like going no

contact with their family, you know, and other people are like,

"That's so dangerous. You shouldn't do that. That's not

fair. That's not kind. Da da da da da. And the reality of it is,

is I can see both sides of the argument. I can see why somebody

might say, "Don't do that. That's awful. This is your

family. Da da da da da. And I can also see where the other

side is when people are just like, I'm so sick of this

bullshit. And the question that I like that the question that I

propose or offer or think to myself sometimes is this: We get

so attached to this idea of blood relations, right? That you

never know. I mean, you've seen it in every mafia movie. You've

seen it in every movie where, you know, whether it has to do

with a family or the mafia or a gang or a union or boys in blue

or whatever it is. You don't cross the line. You don't do

this. You know, whatever. You know, where's your loyalty?

That's what they're really saying. Like, where's your

loyalty? Okay, but what's a person supposed to do? This is

the question I I I put out there.

What's a person supposed to do when the relationships with your

blood family, when your blood relations, your blood

relationships start actually causing blood, like things start

to get bloody, right? Sometimes that's physically, but sometimes

it's also just emotionally, mentally, and spiritually,

right? That staying in those relationships causes harm, and

what you're supposed to just put up with it and not say anything,

or just stay in the relationship because it's your quote unquote

family. So I counter with this is just how my brain works, you

know. I counter with. So wait, you're telling me I'm supposed

to put up with this because you're my family, but my thought

is, well, if you were my fucking family, you think you would try

to do a better job at being kinder to me, or more loving, or

more compassionate, or more relatable, like wanting to get

to like like like doing doing like the work, so that you guys

can try to work it out. But sometimes you're bumping up

against you know blood relatives who have no interest, no

interest in changing. They're never gonna change. You know

they're never gonna change. They tell you they're never gonna

change. And it's kind of like if you want to be in this, you

better suck it up and stuff it down. You better get with the

program. You better play by the rules. You know that this is

just how it is. And I've told stories before in the past

where, you know, I've dated guys and I see how they behave within

their family and their mothers and whoever will look at me and

be like, "Yeah, this is just how he is, and I'm like, "Yeah, this

is just how he is, because everybody keeps putting up with

his shitty behavior. You know what I mean? And I'm just like,

and it's not that like the origin family is maliciously

doing things. Sometimes it's just so fucking dysfunctional.

It's so dysfunctional, and maybe you have one person or two

people or whatever who are doing it a little differently, but

they're usually the black sheep and the weirdos and the ones

that stick out, and everybody calls you "quote unquote" too

sensitive and all that stuff, and you just realize, man, you

know, yeah, I'm not getting punched in the face, but I am

being nitpicked to death. All these little nitpicky scabs

where I'm just slowly bleeding out because every time I'm in

your presence, you're like you're like a little roadside

bird that's just like pecking at the roadkill, you know. You just

like peck, peck, peck. It's like Alfred Hitchcock's birds, where

it's like, as they say, death by 1000 tiny paper cuts. That's how

it feels. Death by 1000 tiny pecks, you know. So these little

hurts, and and I remember one time that I posted something.

Now everybody, everybody knows that I'm a writer. Everybody

knows that I'm a storyteller. Everybody knows if you've been

paying attention at all to me. That I, I, I mean, I've written

about it. I've talked about it. Like I still have every single

childhood note that was passed in like junior high or in high

school. I have all of my notebooks, all of my little. I

didn't really keep a diary, but I kept journals. I have so many

of these things. I can literally go back and tell you what my

best friend Jillian's phone number was in 1982. You know

what I'm saying? I have it all. I've always been this way. We

can we can psychoanalyze me later as to why I might be this

way and why I keep all these things. But part of it is

because I'm a writer. Part of it knew I was always going to write

a book, and I hold on to things because I hold on to these

memories and I want to be able to access these things. You know

what I mean? And I've always been call me a documentarian,

call me a record keeper, call me a reporter, call me a

journalist, call me what call me an archivist, call me whatever

you want to call me, okay?

But I hold on to these things, and so because I hold on to

these things and I look back at things and I'm like, yeah, I can

see, I can look back at all the fucked up things that had gone

on. I can see the funny things, the hard things, the hurtful

things, whatever. But one time, I shared online, as I often do,

a piece of a story that involves somebody in my family, and

another member of my family. They didn't say anything online,

but they frantically started text messaging me saying, "You

can't say that. You can't say that. You can't do that. And I

was like, and I started writing. I got I I got pissed. First of

all, nobody is the boss of me. Don't tell me what I can and

can't do, right? And that you know whether that's a character

flaw of mine or not, we can discuss later. But I just

started writing back once I got once I got my cool once I got

once I got it and I'm back right once I did that like five times

and I'm back and I was able to write back like not not being an

insane person, but I was like, "Hey, look! Whatever that secret

code, that secret contract, that code of silence that you guys

all signed back in the day, right? I never signed it because

I knew that I wouldn't keep my mouth shut at some point. Now,

here's the thing: I want to be very clear about something. I am

never ever ever writing to for revenge, to quote unquote get

back at people, to make people feel bad, to be an asshole. Like

that is not my style. That is not my approach. But I'm also

not gonna not tell the story. Do you know what I mean? There's so

many everybody from Anne Lamott to what's her name? I can Holly

something Gillespie. There's all kinds of writing writers writers

period, but then also writing teachers who say some version

of, you know, if people wanted you to write better about them,

they should have been nicer to you. Or, you know, every

everything that's ever happened to you is your right to tell.

Or, if somebody was acting like a colossal asshole, it's not

your fault that you just happened to notice. So here's

when I think of my friendships, I think of them

more as like maple syrup, right? I think of them more as like I

don't know. Some people might say honey. I don't eat honey,

but that there's a sweetness to it. There's a thickness to it,

right? There's there's something to it that like that like makes

you want to keep consuming it. That makes you want to be there.

It's a choice, right? Blood is you. You were born with your

blood. You didn't get a choice. You're like, this is who I am.

This is the lineage and the ancestors and this is what I've

been born into. But I can choose to put a little more maple syrup

in in my tea to sweeten things. You know, I can put a little

more on my pancakes. You know what I'm saying, and I also

think that, you know, when I think back in my own experience,

to my childhood, you know, there were times when I knew, like, I

was a shy kid. I would, I would like, I did never wanted to when

I was like dropped off at the the Venerini sisters in Lawrence

for what's the thing before kindergarten? Like not not oh

what's it called? You guys know what I'm trying to say. There's

like a thing before before kindergarten, and I was being

dropped off for that, and I did not want to like let go of my

mother's pants. I was just like horrified. I was like so

attached to her. You know what I mean. But back in the day, they

would just like pry your little fingers off of it, and they

would consider it rude, right? They would consider it rude if

you didn't want to give the stranger a hug. The stranger who

might be a family member, but you see them once a year, once

every three years, and you're like, I don't know who this is.

But back then, it would like it didn't matter, like what you

wanted.

They would just be like, "Go kiss your auntie Sally or

whatever, and you'd be like, "I don't want to kiss this broad. I

don't know who this lady is. You know what I mean? And so I just

don't come from this idea. Like, let me put it this way: let me

put like the whole blood is thicker than water in context.

So let's say you have a creepy cousin, right? I should be

forced. I should be forced to hug my creepy cousin who gets a

little handsy, who says the most inappropriate things, or like

whatever. And what about the uncle, the abusive uncle, who

you know has been knocking your aunt around? And we're all

supposed to sit at the table together and just pretend like

he's not mocking her up in private. Like we're all supposed

to just play along and pretend like everything's fine. I just

don't belong to this mindset. I I do not do not do not. As you

can tell, I'm doing a whole podcast episode about it.

Believe that blood is sicker than water, and the reason why

I'm doing this whole episode is that I've talked. I've been

talking to a few people lately, and they've made comments. And I

thought, you know, I really want to do a podcast episode about

this because I think that people feel obligated, and like you

know, when blood dries and it gets really tacky and dark and

sticky, and it like it gets stuck, right? We can get stuck

in this idea that I'm stuck in this family. There's no getting

out of this family. There's no getting around these rules. I

just have to play along. I have to do everything, and I jokingly

say this because you don't need my permission. Nobody on here.

You're all adults. You don't need my permission. But I say it

with love that think of this episode as like a permission

slip to start to question that whole idea that blood is thicker

than water. Now I already know. I can already hear my Italian

because I grew up. Right, you gotta understand. I grew up. I'm

an Irish kid who grew up with Italian and Portuguese

relatives. So I get that whole thing, right? I was just

laughing, thinking, oh, I can already hear my Italian friends

going, K.K. I can't believe you're saying this. What are you

talking about? Blood is thicker than water. Maybe in your world,

right? Maybe in your clan, in your family, but I'm over here

to just say, look, you get to question shit in your family.

You get to say no. That is not for me. I am not participating.

Not on my watch. Not playing along. Not coming to the

cookout. Not going to the wedding. Not doing Thanksgiving

again, where everybody's going to be drunk and mean. Like no.

Now I'm not over here telling you to go no contact with

anybody. I do, and if you've listened to the podcast for a

while, I do encourage people to find the right distance. You

know, I used to tell people sometimes we just got to love

people from a distance, and then my friend Marian C once said to

me, "You know, it's about finding the right distance. And

sometimes, and you can't see me, but I'm holding my hands up.

Sometimes the right distance is like palm to palm. You are

wicked close. You might even have fingers entwined. Sometimes

the right distance is three inches, which might be right

every couple of months you get together. Whatever it is,

right." Now my hands are wicked far away from each other, like

even almost off the screen. And sometimes you never talk again,

and that's kind of like that no contact. Like you just know

there's no healingness, because sometimes those blood relations

insist on keeping it bloody. They are not going to change,

and whether whether their particular thing is, they're

mean, they're sarcastic, they're abusive, sexually, emotionally,

mentally, verbally, whatever it is. They're like still drinking.

They're still actively in addiction. You know what?

Whatever the thing is that has made the the membrane of the

family, the connection disintegrate in the first place.

It might never change, and it is incredibly painful when people

decide to go no contact. It's not like that's a walk in the

pack because there's a lot that goes along with that too.

Because every holiday, every anniversary, every birthday,

every reminder when you're out in public and you you see a

mother and daughter relationship, or you see a

father and son relationship, or a father and daughter

relationship, or you see sisters or siblings getting along, or

you go out and you see a whole family eating around a table,

and you just think, oh my God, like you know, there's grief,

there's grief that goes along with that decisions, but

sometimes you people make that decision for their own sanity,

for their own well being, for their own safety. You know what

I mean? So it's really it can be really easy to judge people

either way. But I just wanted to say to people, you know, there

are other ways of thinking, there are other perceptions.

There are other points of view that you can check out and

decide for yourself what feels right and what's the right

distance for you. And sometimes the the reality of it is is that

hole, as I said before, that blood is thicker than water.

It's a way to control and to control the narrative, and to

keep people from like you don't do that, you know, and it was so

interesting. We were watching a TV show the other night, and

this person, this woman, was doing like so many illegal

things. Now she was the hero of of the, you know, she's the

antagonist. I mean, she's the protagonist of the movie or the

show, but she's still doing all this illegal shit, killing

people, doing this, whatever, you know. But we're supposed to

be rooting for her, and her partner like would not comply

with something that she wanted him to do, and she got pissed at

him, and she said that like she's basically saying to him,

that's not how this works. Where patna is, you went against me,

you betrayed me, and I'm thinking to myself. But you're

asking him to betray himself. How is that loving? You're

asking this person to betray his own moral, you know, his own

morals and his own ethics and his own hat and what he believes

is right, and we're all just gonna obey this code because

that's what you do. Ah, fuck that. You know what I'm saying?

And um, and I'll just go so as far to say, like we're seeing it

right now in the news with this whole horrendous, horrendous

Cornell situation that happened a while ago, but we're just all

finding out about it now. You know about those those I don't

even want to call them boys because that whatever those

guys, you know that sexually assaulted and drugged that girl,

and it was it's horrendous. And if you don't know the story,

look it up. I don't I don't even want to give them airtime. But

my point is, is that you see people defending them. You see

mothers defending sons. You see people saying things, and I'm

like, are you out of your mind? Like, take the blinders off. I

don't care if this is your kid, your cousin, somebody you love,

somebody you love does something evil, does something awful?

You're gonna try and protect them because blood is thicker

than water. Not on my watch. You know what I'm saying? So maybe

that makes me weird. Maybe that makes me whatever it makes me.

Um, but I believe that. I believe that. You know,

sometimes blood is not thicker than water. Sometimes maple

syrup is thicker than blood. And finding your sweet people, you

know, finding your balcony people, finding your true

friends, finding the people that love you and support you and

encourage you and really see you and get you and try to make

repairs. Try to make repairs when there's been a

misunderstanding or a falling out or whatever, you know it's

really, really powerful and beautiful. And I hope you all

have. I mean, look, if I could wave a magic wand, here's my

little disco ball. I'm gonna grab it. My little disco ball

pen wand. If I could. I'm waving this around all of you.

If I could wave this and be like doink, like boop, you get your

wish and you have an amazing, loving, supportive family that

sees you and and honors you and respects you and gets you and

celebrates you and asks you about yourself and gives a shit

about you and cares about you, all of it. If I could wave that

boop, I would do it in a second, but we all know that's not how

it is most of the time, you know. So look, find your family,

whether it's your blood family, amen. If that works for you, I

hope it does. And for some of us, right, it doesn't, it

doesn't, right? And and I hope you also find your your friend

family, your chosen family, and may you just be surrounded by so

much love, and I don't know. This has just been on my hat,

and I wanted to share it with you. Hopefully, it's helpful to

somebody out there. But thank you for tuning in. Thank you for

listening. I super duper appreciate you, and I love you.

And wherever you go, wherever you go, I'm not going to recap

this because I I was just kind of on. That was just a whole

long that was a whole long rant. Um, but but look, listen to it.

I hope it's helpful. Amen. God bless. Right, but wherever you

go, may you leave the people and your friends and your family and

the animals and yourself in the environment and the planet

better than how you found it. Wherever you go, may you and

your energy and your presence and your your love and the

quality of your relationship, the way that you relate, may it

be a blessing. Bye. Hey, thanks so much for listening to the

show. I really love spending some time together. Now, if you

dig the show or know someone that could benefit from this

episode, please share it with them and help me to spread the

good word and the love. And if you want to be in the know about

all of my upcoming shenanigans, head on over to

karenkenney.com/signup and join my list. It'll be wicked fun to

stay in touch. Bye.