Most speakers say they want feedback. What they actually want is validation.

There's a significant difference -- and confusing the two is one of the most common reasons capable speakers plateau and stop growing. In this solo episode John Ball breaks down why most feedback fails, why the human brain is wired to turn critique into personal attack, and how to build a feedback loop that genuinely accelerates your development as a speaker.

With real-world examples drawn from stand-up comedy and professional speaking, this is a practical and honest look at one of the most misunderstood tools in a speaker's arsenal.

Get the free Fast Feedback Framework mentioned in the episode here: present-influence.kit.com/71c6c5dc43

What you'll learn in this episode

Why most feedback is too soft to be useful, how your brain converts feedback into a personal attack and what to do about it, the difference between performance feedback and personal judgment, how to filter feedback without dismissing it entirely, why applause is not a reliable indicator of growth, and how to build a feedback system that actually improves your speaking over time.

The Feedback Filter

When you receive feedback, ask three questions. Is there any truth in this? Is this about my goal or their preference? Can I test this without overreacting?

Key principles from the episode

Feedback isn't the problem -- poor feedback is. If you only accept feedback that feels good, you'll never hear what makes you better. Friends soften feedback, peers filter it, audiences don't explain it. Growth comes from truth, not reassurance. You can protect your ego or improve your performance -- you don't get both.

Visit strategic-speaker.scoreapp.com to take the 2-minute Strategic Speaking Business Audit and find out what's blocking you from getting more bookings, re-bookings, referrals and bigger fees. There's a special surprise gift for everyone who completes the quiz.

Want to get coached for free on the show? Fill in the form at this link and if we think your challenge could help others, we'll invite you on.

For speaking enquiries or to connect, email john@presentinfluence.com or find John on LinkedIn.

All clips and episodes are on the Present Influence YouTube channel.

Thanks for listening. Rating the show 5* on Spotify helps their algorithm recommend the show, so please take a moment to follow and leave a rating.

Related episodes: What a Bombed Gig Taught Me About Preparation for Professional Speaking

Mentioned in this episode:

The Strategic Speaking Business Audit

Take this quick quiz to find out where and why your speaking business is leaking opportunities.

Someone once handed me a feedback form after a talk, and I remember looking

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at it and feeling that familiar pull,

the urge to rip it in half and move on.

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Because here's the thing most speakers

won't admit, we say we want feedback.

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What we actually want is

confirmation, validation, approval.

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Those are very different things.

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In this episode, I want to talk

about why most feedback fails and

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why most of us fail at using it,

not because we are fragile, but

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because nobody ever showed us how.

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By the end of this episode, you'll

have a cleaner way to seek it.

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By the end of this episode, you'll

have a cleaner way to seek feedback,

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filter it, and actually use it to grow.

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And be sure to stick around to the end

where I'll tell you how you can get my

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free fast guide to Feedback framework.

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Try saying that three times fast in a row.

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Let's get into it.

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Welcome to Professional Speaking,

the show for speakers who are serious

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about becoming known, booked, and paid.

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My name's John Ball, professional

speaker, speaker coach, and standup

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comedian, and I'm here as your guide

on this journey to speaker success.

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Now the problem isn't feedback.

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The problem is that most

environments aren't designed

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to give you honest feedback.

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They're designed to make you feel

safe, which sounds kind, but safe

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feedback doesn't move you forward.

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Think about the typical post-talk debrief.

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Someone says, I really enjoyed

it, maybe just slow down a little

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and you nod and nothing changes.

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Or you get feedback from

people who you care about.

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Friends, colleagues, people who want

to support you, and because they care,

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they soften it, they round off the

rough edges, they leave out the part

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that would probably help the most, and

the result is you stay exactly where

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you are, just with more encouragement.

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There's also something happening in

your brain that makes this worse.

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When someone critiques your

speaking, it doesn't register as a

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critique or skill or performance.

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It feels like a critique of you, your

intelligence, your credibility, your right

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to be in the room on the stage, and that's

where the defensiveness often kicks in.

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Not because you're weak,

but because you're human.

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But if you only accept feedback

that feels good, you'll never hear

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what actually makes you better.

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I want to share two moments with you

that shaped how I think about this.

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I knew a trainer, in

fact, I still do know him.

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Very experienced, well regarded.

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Who had a habit that I found fascinating.

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So after every session he'd collect in

the feedback forms and before taking a

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look at them, he would get someone else to

quietly remove any that looked negative.

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Anything that seemed critical would

go straight to the bottom of the

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pile, one more often in the bin.

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Now I understand the impulse completely.

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You've just given everything to a room

full of people, and the last thing you

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want is to be told it wasn't enough.

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But here's the reality.

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You can protect your ego or you

can improve your performance,

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but you don't get both.

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The forms he threw away,

they were probably the most

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valuable ones in the pile.

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And then there's a standup comedy

if you want to understand feedback

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in its rawest form, do standup.

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There's no forms, no polite noise . No,

you might want to consider this comments.

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You say something and the ring

either laughs or it doesn't.

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Silence is brutal, but it's

honest and it's immediate.

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I've been in that silence, and it's

uncomfortable in a way that's hard

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to describe, but it's also one of the

clearest feedback mechanisms I've ever

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experienced because there's no ambiguity,

no softening, just a direct read on

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whether what you did worked or not.

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And most speaking environments

don't give you that, which means

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you have to build it yourself.

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This is where most people get it wrong,

and it's the part nobody teaches.

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when feedback lands, your job

isn't to feel good about it.

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Your job is to extract value from it.

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Three questions I use are,

is there any truth in this?

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Not, is it perfectly worded?

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Not, do I like how they said it?

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Just, is there something real

here that I can work with?

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Is this about my goal or is

this about their preference?

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Some feedback tells you

something about your performance.

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Some feedback tells you something

about the person giving it.

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Learn to tell the difference.

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Also, can I test this

without overreacting?

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So before you rebuild your whole

talk around one comment, one piece

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of feedback, try a small adjustment.

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See what happens.

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Let evidence guide you, not anxiety.

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If You're not bad at handling

feedback, you've just never

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been shown how to use it.

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I mentioned the standup comedy feedback

that you can get from being on stage,

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how immediate that is, that generally

whether a performance goes as well as you

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want or doesn't, you will come off that.

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If you're anything like me and pull it

all to pieces, analyzing everything, where

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did you get the last that you expected to?

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Where did you get the last

that you didn't expect to?

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Where did people not laugh,

where you thought they would?

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And those are the things that you want

to pull apart, But it's important to

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know, even in those environments, that

the exact same set could bomb in one

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place and completely kill in another.

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so, it is important not just to take

the feedback as being, all right,

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well, they didn't laugh at that,

so nobody's gonna laugh at that.

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It's not necessarily true.

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And then.

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There's all other elements that

you have to consider as well, like

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how well practiced was I, had I

actually rehearsed this enough?

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Was I fully committed?

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Was I really in the, in the moment?

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These are all elements that you

need feedback on to help you

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grow and develop on the stage.

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Friends particularly

tend to soften feedback.

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Peers will filter it.

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Audiences don't explain it, which is

why the most useful feedback usually

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comes from somebody who has no stake

in making you feel good and every

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reason to help you feel better.

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And that's the loop that actually works.

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Perform, get real feedback,

adjust, repeat, not perform,

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receive applause, repeat the same

mistakes with more confidence.

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The difference between speakers

who plateau and speakers who

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keep developing isn't talent.

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It's whether they've built a

system that tells them the truth.

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I was fortunate enough recently to

have a coaching session on my latest

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comedy set with the amazing Judy Carter.

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Now, I'm not gonna bring you the session

that was between me and Judy, and also

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is not super appropriate for the show.

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Needless to say though, my set is

probably a hundred times better now

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than it would ever have been if I

just carried on on my own and tried to

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improve it based on audience feedback.

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That professional input and view on

it from somebody who I respect in the

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industry whose understanding of comedy I

admire and want to apply was invaluable.

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Now, one of the things I've come

to believe is this growth as a

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speaker isn't about finding the

perfect talk and repeating it.

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It's about staying honest with yourself

and about what's working and what isn't.

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Feedback, real feedback is the

mechanism that makes that possible.

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And that naturally leads

to the next conversation.

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I'm joined next episode by my good

friend Clinton Young, and what we get

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into is the next layer of this, because

knowing how to use feedback is one thing,

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but actually acting on it when it's

uncomfortable, when it challenges your

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instincts, when it asks you to change

something that you thought was working,

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that takes something else entirely.

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We'll be talking about what courage

actually looks like for a speaker, not

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the dramatic version, the quiet, practical

kind, the showing up differently when

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everything in you wants to play it safe.

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If any part of this episode resonated,

then that one will definitely too.

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Also don't leave without downloading

the free fast feedback framework.

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The link is in the show notes along with

any other links to contact me or the

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show and any other resources as well.

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So until next time, wherever you're

going, whatever you're doing,

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have an amazing rest of your day.

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Take care.