Shownotes
Why “Nice” Feedback Is Killing Your Speaking Growth
Most speakers say they want feedback. What they actually want is validation.
In this episode of Professional Speaking, John Ball breaks down why most feedback fails, why we struggle to use it effectively, and how to build a feedback loop that actually improves your speaking.
You’ll learn how to separate useful feedback from noise, stop taking critique personally, and use real-world examples, including stand-up comedy, to accelerate your growth as a speaker.
If you want to become a speaker who gets better with every talk instead of repeating the same mistakes, this episode is for you.
🎯 What You’ll Learn:
Why most feedback is too soft to be useful
How your brain turns feedback into a personal attack
The difference between performance feedback and personal judgment
How to filter feedback without ignoring it
Why applause is not a reliable indicator of growth
How to build a feedback loop that actually improves your speaking
🧠 Key Insights:
Feedback isn’t the problem. Poor feedback is.
If you only accept feedback that feels good, you’ll never hear what makes you better
Friends soften feedback, peers filter it, audiences don’t explain it
Growth comes from truth, not reassurance
You can protect your ego or improve your performance. You don’t get both
🔁 The Feedback Filter (Practical Tool):
When you receive feedback, ask:
Is there any truth in this?
Is this about my goal or their preference?
Can I test this without overreacting?
Get the FREE Fast Feedback Framework mentioned in the episode: https://present-influence.kit.com/71c6c5dc43
CHAPTERS
00:00 Why Feedback Hurts
01:20 Safe Feedback Trap
02:36 Ego vs Improvement
03:35 Standup Truth Test
04:24 Three Filtering Questions
05:22 Context Matters
06:25 Build a Feedback System
07:03 Pro Coaching Boost
07:59 Next Episode and Free Guide
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For speaking enquiries or to connect with me, you can email john@presentinfluence.com or find me on LinkedIn
You can find all our clips, episodes and more on the Present Influence YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@PresentInfluence
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Transcripts
Someone once handed me a feedback form after a talk, and I remember looking
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:at it and feeling that familiar pull,
the urge to rip it in half and move on.
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:Because here's the thing most speakers
won't admit, we say we want feedback.
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:What we actually want is
confirmation, validation, approval.
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:Those are very different things.
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:In this episode, I want to talk
about why most feedback fails and
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:why most of us fail at using it,
not because we are fragile, but
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:because nobody ever showed us how.
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:By the end of this episode, you'll
have a cleaner way to seek it.
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:By the end of this episode, you'll
have a cleaner way to seek feedback,
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:filter it, and actually use it to grow.
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:And be sure to stick around to the end
where I'll tell you how you can get my
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:free fast guide to Feedback framework.
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:Try saying that three times fast in a row.
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:Let's get into it.
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:Welcome to Professional Speaking,
the show for speakers who are serious
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:about becoming known, booked, and paid.
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:My name's John Ball, professional
speaker, speaker coach, and standup
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:comedian, and I'm here as your guide
on this journey to speaker success.
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:Now the problem isn't feedback.
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:The problem is that most
environments aren't designed
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:to give you honest feedback.
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:They're designed to make you feel
safe, which sounds kind, but safe
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:feedback doesn't move you forward.
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:Think about the typical post-talk debrief.
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:Someone says, I really enjoyed
it, maybe just slow down a little
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:and you nod and nothing changes.
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:Or you get feedback from
people who you care about.
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:Friends, colleagues, people who want
to support you, and because they care,
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:they soften it, they round off the
rough edges, they leave out the part
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:that would probably help the most, and
the result is you stay exactly where
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:you are, just with more encouragement.
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:There's also something happening in
your brain that makes this worse.
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:When someone critiques your
speaking, it doesn't register as a
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:critique or skill or performance.
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:It feels like a critique of you, your
intelligence, your credibility, your right
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:to be in the room on the stage, and that's
where the defensiveness often kicks in.
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:Not because you're weak,
but because you're human.
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:But if you only accept feedback
that feels good, you'll never hear
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:what actually makes you better.
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:I want to share two moments with you
that shaped how I think about this.
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:I knew a trainer, in
fact, I still do know him.
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:Very experienced, well regarded.
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:Who had a habit that I found fascinating.
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:So after every session he'd collect in
the feedback forms and before taking a
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:look at them, he would get someone else to
quietly remove any that looked negative.
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:Anything that seemed critical would
go straight to the bottom of the
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:pile, one more often in the bin.
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:Now I understand the impulse completely.
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:You've just given everything to a room
full of people, and the last thing you
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:want is to be told it wasn't enough.
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:But here's the reality.
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:You can protect your ego or you
can improve your performance,
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:but you don't get both.
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:The forms he threw away,
they were probably the most
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:valuable ones in the pile.
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:And then there's a standup comedy
if you want to understand feedback
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:in its rawest form, do standup.
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:There's no forms, no polite noise . No,
you might want to consider this comments.
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:You say something and the ring
either laughs or it doesn't.
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:Silence is brutal, but it's
honest and it's immediate.
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:I've been in that silence, and it's
uncomfortable in a way that's hard
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:to describe, but it's also one of the
clearest feedback mechanisms I've ever
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:experienced because there's no ambiguity,
no softening, just a direct read on
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:whether what you did worked or not.
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:And most speaking environments
don't give you that, which means
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:you have to build it yourself.
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:This is where most people get it wrong,
and it's the part nobody teaches.
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:when feedback lands, your job
isn't to feel good about it.
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:Your job is to extract value from it.
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:Three questions I use are,
is there any truth in this?
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:Not, is it perfectly worded?
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:Not, do I like how they said it?
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:Just, is there something real
here that I can work with?
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:Is this about my goal or is
this about their preference?
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:Some feedback tells you
something about your performance.
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:Some feedback tells you something
about the person giving it.
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:Learn to tell the difference.
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:Also, can I test this
without overreacting?
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:So before you rebuild your whole
talk around one comment, one piece
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:of feedback, try a small adjustment.
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:See what happens.
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:Let evidence guide you, not anxiety.
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:If You're not bad at handling
feedback, you've just never
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:been shown how to use it.
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:I mentioned the standup comedy feedback
that you can get from being on stage,
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:how immediate that is, that generally
whether a performance goes as well as you
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:want or doesn't, you will come off that.
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:If you're anything like me and pull it
all to pieces, analyzing everything, where
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:did you get the last that you expected to?
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:Where did you get the last
that you didn't expect to?
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:Where did people not laugh,
where you thought they would?
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:And those are the things that you want
to pull apart, But it's important to
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:know, even in those environments, that
the exact same set could bomb in one
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:place and completely kill in another.
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:so, it is important not just to take
the feedback as being, all right,
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:well, they didn't laugh at that,
so nobody's gonna laugh at that.
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:It's not necessarily true.
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:And then.
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:There's all other elements that
you have to consider as well, like
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:how well practiced was I, had I
actually rehearsed this enough?
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:Was I fully committed?
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:Was I really in the, in the moment?
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:These are all elements that you
need feedback on to help you
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:grow and develop on the stage.
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:Friends particularly
tend to soften feedback.
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:Peers will filter it.
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:Audiences don't explain it, which is
why the most useful feedback usually
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:comes from somebody who has no stake
in making you feel good and every
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:reason to help you feel better.
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:And that's the loop that actually works.
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:Perform, get real feedback,
adjust, repeat, not perform,
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:receive applause, repeat the same
mistakes with more confidence.
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:The difference between speakers
who plateau and speakers who
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:keep developing isn't talent.
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:It's whether they've built a
system that tells them the truth.
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:I was fortunate enough recently to
have a coaching session on my latest
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:comedy set with the amazing Judy Carter.
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:Now, I'm not gonna bring you the session
that was between me and Judy, and also
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:is not super appropriate for the show.
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:Needless to say though, my set is
probably a hundred times better now
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:than it would ever have been if I
just carried on on my own and tried to
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:improve it based on audience feedback.
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:That professional input and view on
it from somebody who I respect in the
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:industry whose understanding of comedy I
admire and want to apply was invaluable.
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:Now, one of the things I've come
to believe is this growth as a
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:speaker isn't about finding the
perfect talk and repeating it.
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:It's about staying honest with yourself
and about what's working and what isn't.
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:Feedback, real feedback is the
mechanism that makes that possible.
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:And that naturally leads
to the next conversation.
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:I'm joined next episode by my good
friend Clinton Young, and what we get
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:into is the next layer of this, because
knowing how to use feedback is one thing,
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:but actually acting on it when it's
uncomfortable, when it challenges your
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:instincts, when it asks you to change
something that you thought was working,
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:that takes something else entirely.
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:We'll be talking about what courage
actually looks like for a speaker, not
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:the dramatic version, the quiet, practical
kind, the showing up differently when
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:everything in you wants to play it safe.
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:If any part of this episode resonated,
then that one will definitely too.
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:Also don't leave without downloading
the free fast feedback framework.
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:The link is in the show notes along with
any other links to contact me or the
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:show and any other resources as well.
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:So until next time, wherever you're
going, whatever you're doing,
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:have an amazing rest of your day.
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:Take care.
