Shownotes
What if resilience isn't about being strong all the time, but about knowing how to keep moving forward when life doesn't go according to plan?
We often think resilient people are those who bounce back quickly, never lose confidence, and somehow remain unaffected by life's challenges. But real resilience is rarely that simple.
In this episode of Mind Over Matter, host Niharika welcomes Jobert E. Abueva, author of The Janus Plan: A No-Resolutions Path to Begin Your Year with Intention, for an insightful conversation about building resilience, practicing gratitude, overcoming fear of failure, and creating meaningful personal growth through everyday choices.
Jobert explains why resilience isn't something we either have or lack. It's an ongoing practice that develops when we pause, reflect, understand our priorities, and reconnect with what matters most.
Drawing on the ideas behind his book, he challenges the pressure to reinvent ourselves through ambitious New Year's resolutions. Instead, he encourages a more thoughtful approach: understanding the patterns of our lives before deciding what needs to change.
Together, Jobert and Niharika explore how social comparison, fear of missing out, external expectations, and endless to-do lists can weaken our confidence and distract us from our personal goals.
Jobert introduces his simple three-question reflection exercise:
- What's working?
- What can I lay down?
- What's the true lesson here?
He also shares a daily gratitude practice that takes less than a minute: writing down three things you're grateful for each morning.
From prioritizing responsibilities to allowing ourselves grace when progress feels slow, this episode offers a practical perspective on developing emotional resilience without expecting perfection.
Because resilience isn't built by avoiding life's difficulties. It's strengthened through reflection, intentional choices, and the willingness to begin again.
About the Guest: Jobert E. Abueva:
Jobert E. Abueva is an author, speaker, and workshop facilitator whose work focuses on intentional living, reflection, personal development, and navigating life's transitions.
He is the author of The Janus Plan: A No-Resolutions Path to Begin Your Year with Intention, a book that encourages readers to move beyond conventional New Year's resolutions and approach personal growth through reflection, realistic priorities, and purposeful action.
Through his writing, TEDx talk, newsletter, blog, and workshops, Jobert shares perspectives on building resilience, gratitude, and creating a fulfilling life.
Key Takeaways:
- Resilience is an ongoing practice. It develops through repeated choices, reflection, and a willingness to adapt.
- Keep your North Star in focus. Understanding your long-term priorities can help you navigate distractions and unexpected setbacks.
- Reflection is more useful than constant busyness. Pausing helps you recognize what deserves your attention.
- Fear of failure and comparison can undermine confidence. External expectations and social media can distract us from our own values.
- New Year's resolutions aren't the only path to growth. Jobert recommends reviewing your patterns and priorities before setting new goals.
- Three reflection questions can create clarity. Identify what's working, what to let go of, and what you've learned.
- Gratitude can become a simple daily habit. Writing down three positive things each morning encourages appreciation and reflection.
- Progress doesn't require perfection. Patience, self-compassion, and small steps help sustain meaningful change.
Connect With Jobert E. Abueva:
Author website: Jobert E. Abueva
Book: The Janus Plan: A No-Resolutions Path to Begin Your Year with Intention
Other resources: TEDx talk, newsletter, monthly blog, speaking engagements, and workshops, available through his author website.
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jobertabueva
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/joberteabueva
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jobert_abueva
Chapters:
Introduction: Building Resilience in Everyday Life
Meet Jobert E. Abueva
What Resilience Really Means
Finding Your North Star
Why Reflection Helps Build Resilience
A Simple Three-Things Gratitude Practice
Fear of Failure, Comparison, and Self-Doubt
Why Jobert Challenges New Year's Resolutions
Three Questions for Personal Growth
Managing Overwhelm and Prioritizing What Matters
How to Start Building Resilience Today
Self-Compassion, Consistency, and Beginning Again
Jobert's Book and Final Reflections
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Transcripts
00:00:08 Niharika: Hey listeners. There is a moment that comes to all of us like we often, when we least expect it, when the ground beneath our feet shifts and we realize that the strategies we have relied on no longer work. We stand at a crossroads, wondering if we have what it takes to move forward. What if resilience isn't something we either have or don't have, but something we build? One small choice at a time. Even when the path ahead feels uncertain. Welcome to Mind over Matter. I'm Niharika, and this is where we explore the psychology of becoming the quiet work of resilience and the practices that helps us navigate life with more clarity and strength. Today I'm joined by Robert, and we are diving into what it really takes to build resilience through the rhythms of everyday lives. Welcome, Robert. It's so great to have you here.
00:01:21 Jobert E. Abueva: Thank you so much. It's so good to be with you.
00:01:25 Niharika: So to start with, when people hear the word resilience, um, They often imagine bouncing back quickly or staying strong no matter what. So according to you, what's the biggest misconception you've noticed about what resilience actually means?
00:01:47 Jobert E. Abueva: Right? We use resilience a lot in everyday language to be resilient, right? Yeah, yeah. But the reality is to be resilient, you also need to understand what it means to not be resilient. So our lives are full of pressure. We are under duress. We work very hard. We're making a living. And we also live in a world that is what we say, not in a vacuum. There are world events. There are local events, families, friends, community that affect our day to day lives. And so we need to understand how we perform, not just by ourselves, but with other people in the world. And we need to maintain our composure, our focus in what we want to choose to work on and focus on. And resilience is all about keeping that big picture in mind. What we want to accomplish, what we, what matters to us, and keep focus on that regardless of the distractions or problems that may be blocks roadblocks along the way. Right? So maintaining that long term, what I call North star focus.
00:03:23 Niharika: Yeah, that makes sense. So if resilience isn't about never breaking, as I said, so what does it look like when someone is genuinely building it in their life?
00:03:39 Jobert E. Abueva: So you're asking, how does one build resilience in their lives? Is that right?
00:03:48 Niharika: Yeah.
00:03:49 Jobert E. Abueva: Yeah. So I think a lot of it has to do with being in tune with what is happening around us. We are so busy running after the next thing or doing the tasks. We have long to do lists, and that's all well and good and important because we have to complete things. But I believe that taking a pause, reflecting, understanding how we feel about our lives and what happens to us each day is very important in building resilience, right? Because you you want to make sure that you are not coming across as negative or being part of the problem. You want to be part of the solution and a positive way forward. So reflection and pausing to understand our day to day lives is such an important part of building resiliency.
00:05:05 Niharika: Yeah, I think that reframe is so important because we often mistake numbness for strength. And from what you said, real resilience has room for large, full range of what we feel. And that takes a different kind of courage to actually accept it and move on with it. So true.
00:05:33 Jobert E. Abueva: Yeah, that's that's correct. And building resilience. Resiliency is an ongoing practice. It's not a once and done thing. And so even if we spend a few minutes each morning, let's say when we're starting the day or even before we go to bed at night, we can just spend a little time on the reflection. And one thing I like to do, especially in the mornings, this is my little way of building resilience and gratitude, is to. I have a planner and I like to write three things that I am grateful for. And I even say number one, number two, number three. And it doesn't have to be long. I can just say, I am grateful for seven hours of sleep, or I am grateful that I was able to finish a project on time. It doesn't have to be a big accomplishment. It can be little things, but that's part of just having an everyday practice, uh, to build your resilience and gratitude and, um, really appreciate all the good things that are happening in our lives because so much good happens every day.
00:06:50 Niharika: Very true, very true. So when you look at the people who struggle most with building resilience, what patterns do you see beneath the surface? Like what makes it so hard for some of us to develop that capacity?
00:07:10 Jobert E. Abueva: Yeah, I think one of the key elements is fear of failure, because we feel the pressure it might be from our families. It might be because we feel competition with coworkers or cohorts who are all trying to get ahead. So fear of failure is one element. It's important to acknowledge that. I also think that we we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Uh, part of it is the fear of failure, but also, I think our environment and the technology we have today, just think of social media, right? There is so much to absorb to learn about everyone else. And then we start comparing ourselves and the competitiveness or the fear of missing out might come into play. And so I think these are all the factors in today's society that affect our sense of resilience. And so the most important thing is to spend time with ourselves, to believe in what we are doing. And if we question the direction we are going in life, that's okay. But have a conversation about it. An open conversation with yourself, maybe with a friend, a close friend, a confidant, maybe a mentor, a coach, someone that you that can be what we call a sounding board, right? If you have doubts about where you're going or you have feelings that feel unsettled, it's okay to share that. It's best not to keep it to yourself. So that's just an example of how we can continue to build resilience, continue to build our confidence and belief in ourselves.
00:09:20 Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah.
00:09:22 Niharika: That makes sense. And I think it is also important, as you said, to question what we are doing and being aware of what we are and questioning if we are really aligning with ourselves or with our soul, rather than the external world we are seeking out validation for. Very true.
00:09:47 Jobert E. Abueva: Yeah. And part of what I have been focusing on these past few years, and what I wrote in my book, The Janus Plan, is really taking the time, especially at the end of a year and before a new year begins. You know how people like to make New Year's resolutions every January. My whole belief is that New Year's resolutions are not good for us, because we're trying to change, because we're trying to change ourselves overnight. Um, and it's almost like you want to be a new person overnight, but that is not realistic. We are ourselves. um, all our lives and we are like, what I want to say. Works in process. And so the best way to focus on self-improvement, if we want to do better, if we want to achieve certain things in the new year, is to look back at the past year on our patterns in how we work, how we play, what our boundaries are, what makes us happy to think about those things before we say, I want to do this, I want to do that. I think it's really important for us to reflect and think about what matters most, and make that the focus of what we want to accomplish and therefore be, feel happy about and fulfilled. You can't do everything in life. You have to pick a few things and the few things have to matter to you. They don't have to matter to anyone else. They must matter to you. And then you start to think about what are the action steps I can take so that I can get closer to realizing fulfilling my goals day by day?
00:11:48 Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:11:48 Niharika: It's I think that transformation lies in every baby step step we make. And that itself is a process. Every small choice, healthier choices we make towards the goal matters. So true. I think it's, it's striking how much resilience is really about unlearning and about recognizing the old scripts that tell us we are not allowed to struggle, or that needing support means we have failed. So that awareness itself is the part of the foundation when building the resilience, right? Yeah.
00:12:32 Jobert E. Abueva: That's correct. And I like to do a little exercise when I reflect. I like to always ask three questions, whether it's what I learned, what it is about the past year or a chapter in my life or a challenge. Three questions. First question is what's working? All the positive things that are working. I think that's important because we want to appreciate those and use that to build momentum for us to move forward. And then the second question to think about is, what can I lay down? What is no longer working for me that I need to set aside because it is not serving my purpose? That's important. And then the third question, and perhaps the most important question, is what is the true lesson here. What are the lessons that the past year, or this challenge or this chapter tried to teach me? If we can get to the root lesson of our experiences, that helps us start to frame the future, uh, with more clarity and even more courage. So it's a very simple exercise. Three questions. And I believe if we spend more time on those questions and answering them, we will be a lot further ahead with our goals, our dreams, our aspirations.
00:14:10 Speaker 3: Yeah, that it's great.
00:14:13 Niharika: I, I definitely try it myself because it, the questions are itself so deep that we get so many answers. We didn't even realize we would be getting inside us. So it's so true that and, and let's bring this into an everyday life. Like, how does this lack of resilience show up in small moments, like the ones we might not even connect to this larger struggle?
00:14:45 Jobert E. Abueva: Yeah. So again, because life is moving so fast and we have many tasks to take care of, or a lot of responsibilities are thrown at us. We get caught up in the moment. And there is an expression, um, you know, you have fires that you need to put out, right? There are all kinds of fire here, a fire there. You're trying to extinguish each fire. So I think that's one way, uh, a lot of pressure shows up in everyday life in reality. And because we focus on that, we, we don't, we're not keeping the big picture in mind. And I think that's what eats away at our resilience by just going after fire, after fire, after fire. And one way to deal with it is again the pause. It's so simple. The pause to reflect and almost take stock of your to do list and all the emergencies and take time to even prioritize them. Like what? What is really the most important act I need to take on next? Because if you think about the priority and you think about what really matters most, that can open up the momentum for everything else to happen, or it will make it easier for you to go through the rest of your checklist. But I think it's just taking time to check in with your checklist and your priorities and your goals. And to do that on a regular basis helps us take into account the everyday pressures, the events that pop up. It's okay if the priorities change, but just doing that check in can make such a huge difference in us feeling like we are more resilient. We are actually accomplishing things. We're checking things off in the proper order.
00:16:50 Speaker 3: That makes.
00:16:51 Niharika: Sense. And that small pause, as you said, that moment of choosing a different response or just aligning ourselves with with the goals we have every moment, taking those smaller choices. It sounds simple, but it's where everything starts to change, right? That moment of choosing a different response. And it's the difference between reacting from the old wounds and responding from a place of growing strength.
00:17:24 Jobert E. Abueva: That's right, that's right. And I don't know if you meditate. I know a lot of people are really into meditation. You don't have to be a super meditator. We know people who can meditate for hours. All you have to do is just spend a few minutes. Uh, just to slow down your breathing and even focus on the breath because then that realigns you recenters you back to yourself. And then you can start looking at things a little more objectively and be able to discern, again, what matters most and what needs to be prioritized.
00:18:08 Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah.
00:18:11 Niharika: And if someone right now wants to start building the resilience in a real sustainable way, what's one practice or approach you would invite them to try?
00:18:26 Jobert E. Abueva: So I did talk about answering the three questions, but what I really like because it is so simple and you can do it in just one minute, is what I shared earlier is every morning I actually have a day planner. So if people want to use their day planner or if they want to use their computer digitally, just say grateful for colon one, two, three, three things you're grateful for. It can be something very simple or something bigger, but just do that, write it down under a minute. And the benefit is that you acknowledge something really positive in the past day, and it puts you in a very good mood because you you feel like you have accomplished something or there is a lot of positivity in your life to propel you, to give you momentum, to move forward for the day's new challenges.
00:19:30 Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:19:32 Niharika: And what do you say to someone who. Who tries that and feels like they're not doing it right or it's not working fast enough for them?
00:19:47 Jobert E. Abueva: I think it's really important that we give ourselves grace, that we be more patient with ourselves because we're all human. Um, we are not perfect. We know we make mistakes, but we always have to have grace and say, okay, I might be struggling with this, but let me give it one more try and you can help yourself, for example, with this grateful for exercise. I would write in your planner, write grateful for one, two, three, leave it blank for the next seven days so that when you come to the next day, it's there for you to fill out. Just help yourself by putting some signals out there for you to act on something very simple and easy to to do. So that's, that's my suggestion. And believe in yourself. There are people who care about you, who support you even if you don't know them. I sure support anyone who is doing their best. And so that's what I would suggest to folks.
00:21:00 Niharika: There's so much permission in that because the idea that we don't have to be perfect at this and the resilience grows in the stumbling and the returning, like not in the same flawless execution we assume so far. And that's where the real work lives. Very true.
00:21:25 Jobert E. Abueva: You said it. You said it very well. Life doesn't go in a straight That's right.
00:21:32 Niharika: Yeah.
00:21:33 Jobert E. Abueva: It's not linear. It it it's like this even. But but that part of resilience is knowing that if you have the North Star and you know exactly what you want to go after, that keeps you going. And no matter what the ups and downs are in life, resilience will keep you moving forward and eventually you will get there.
00:22:00 Niharika: Yes. Very true. And Robert, for anyone who's listening, who wants to continue this conversation or connect with your work, where can they find you?
00:22:12 Jobert E. Abueva: Yes. Uh, folks can reach me through my author website. It's my full name, Jobert E my middle initial e abueva dot com. There you can learn more about my latest book, The Janus Plan A no resolutions path to begin your year with intention. You can also listen to my Ted talk. You can also subscribe to my newsletter and you can read my monthly blog. And you can learn more about the different kinds of talks and workshops that I give. So the author site is the best place to find me. And of course, I'm also on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
00:22:53 Niharika: Thank you for sharing that. And thank you for being here today and for this conversation, for this grounding and fruitful conversation for our listeners. Thank you for joining us.
00:23:05 Jobert E. Abueva: Thank you so much. It's been such a joy to be with you. And I wish everyone a happy planning, a happy life, um, and fulfillment and resilience.
00:23:20 Niharika: Yeah. Resilience. Yes. Thank you. Thank you so much. And listeners. Resilience isn't built in big dramatic moments. It's built in the quiet ones. In the mornings you show up even when you are tired, in the times you ask for help and in the moments you choose to begin again. That's the work and that's what carries you forward. I'm Niharika and this is mind over matter. Take care of yourself and I'll see you next time.
