Shownotes
What if your thoughts are not always telling you the truth?
For many adult children of dysfunction, anxious thoughts do not just feel like thoughts. They feel like warnings. They feel like facts. They feel like instructions we have to follow in order to stay safe.
“They are mad at me.”
“I am going to mess this up.”
“I need to fix this.”
“I should stay quiet.”
“I am too much.”
“I am not enough.”
In this Tammy’s Takes episode, Tammy teaches a simple, practical tool you can use in the moment when anxiety, overthinking, people-pleasing, shame, or old survival patterns start taking over.
Inspired by Tammy’s conversation with Dr. Elisabeth Morray, licensed psychologist and VP of Clinical at Alma, this episode explores the concept of psychological flexibility: the ability to experience hard thoughts, emotions, memories, and triggers without allowing them to make every decision for you.
Tammy breaks down her Notice, Name, and Next Step Method—a three-step practice designed to help you pause, regulate your nervous system, create space from fearful thoughts, and choose a response that aligns with your values instead of your fear.
In this episode, you will learn how to:
- Recognize when your body is reacting from an old survival pattern
- Get out of your racing mind and back into the present moment
- Understand the difference between remembering danger and being in danger
- Stop treating every anxious thought as a fact
- Create distance from thoughts like “I am not good enough” or “They are going to leave me”
- Identify one small, healthy next step instead of reacting from urgency
- Use your values as a compass when you feel confused, triggered, or overwhelmed
- Build self-trust one decision at a time
- Practice choosing yourself without needing to be perfect
Healing is not about never feeling anxiety again.
It is not about never being triggered.
It is about learning how to say:
“I am having this thought, but I do not have to obey it.”
“I am feeling this feeling, but I do not have to become this feeling.”
“I can feel uncomfortable and still choose what is healthy for me.”
If you are tired of living from fear, overexplaining, chasing reassurance, people-pleasing, or abandoning yourself to keep everyone else comfortable, this episode is for you.
The Practice From This Episode
When you feel triggered, pause and ask:
1. Notice: What is happening in my body right now?
2. Name: What thought is my mind offering me?
3. Next Step: What is one small action that aligns with my values instead of my fear?
Write this somewhere you can see it:
Notice. Name. Next Step.
You do not have to get rid of every thought.
You do not have to prove every fear wrong.
You just have to stop giving fear the keys to your life.
Mentioned in This Episode
Tammy’s conversation with Dr. Elisabeth Morray: You Don’t Have to Fix Your Thoughts to Heal: The Power of Psychological Flexibility
Dr. Morray discussed Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, psychological flexibility, values-based living, and how to find a therapist who feels safe, seen, and supportive.
Find a therapist through Alma: https://www.helloalma.com
Work With Tammy
If you are ready to understand your nervous system, stop repeating old patterns, build self-trust, and create a life that feels like yours, Tammy offers trauma-informed coaching and nervous system support.
Reach out to Tammy to schedule a free Clarity and Calm Call.
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As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.
My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,
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Transcripts
Hello everybody, and welcome back to
another episode of Tammy's Takes, where
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:we take powerful conversations and
turn them into practical strategies
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:that you can use right here, right now.
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:So today I wanna talk about something
that can change the way you move
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:through anxiety, self-doubt,
people pleasing, triggers,
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:relationships, and honestly, life.
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:Because so many of us are
walking around believing every
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:thought that pops into your head.
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:"I'm not good enough.
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:They're mad at me.
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:They're gonna think I did something wrong.
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:I'm gonna mess this up.
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:I'm not enough.
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:This always happens to me.
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:I can't handle this."
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:Do you find yourself saying those things?
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:Because when you grow up in dysfunction,
those thoughts do not just feel
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:like thoughts, they feel like facts.
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:They feel like warnings, they
feel like instructions, they
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:feel like protection, honestly.
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:- But here is what I want
you to understand today.
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:A thought is not always the truth, and
just because your mind says something
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:does not mean that you have to obey it.
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:I recently had Dr.
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:Elizabeth Moray on the podcast.
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:She's a licensed psychologist trained in
acceptance and commitment therapy, and
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:the vice president of clinical at Alma.
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:She talked about something
about psychological flexibility.
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:I love this concept, because she puts
words to so much of the work I teach
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:around nervous system regulation,
self-trust, and learning how to stop
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:living from old survival patterns.
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:- Psychological flexibility is the
ability to have hard thoughts, hard
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:emotions, hard memories, and hard
moments without allowing them to
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:control the decisions that you make.
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:And this is huge because healing is not
about never getting triggered again.
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:Healing is not about waking up every day
and never feeling anxious, sad, lonely,
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:scared, rejected, overwhelmed, or afraid.
38
:Healing is about being able to say,
"I am having this feeling, but I
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:do not have to become this feeling.
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:I'm thinking this thought or I'm
having this thought, but I don't
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:have to follow this thought."
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:Or you can even be saying to
yourself, "I can feel uncomfortable
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:and still choose what is healthy
for me all at the same time."
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:, The good and the bad can exist together.
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:That is self-trust.
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:Today, I wanna teach you a simple
tool that you can use immediately when
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:your mind starts running the show.
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:You know I like to have some
kind of system in place, right?
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:I call it the notice, name, and
next step This is for the moment
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:you start to spiral, the moment you
get a text and your stomach drops.
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:Think about this.
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:The moment you're about to say yes when
you really wanna say no, the moment you
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:wanna cancel something because you're
afraid of what it's gonna turn into,
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:or you're afraid that you're not gonna
fit in, or you're afraid you're gonna
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:be the wrong person to be there, or the
moment you wake up at 3:00 in the morning
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:this is what I want you to do
in those moments when the rubber
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:hits the road, when you gotta act.
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:Number one, I want you to
just notice what is happening.
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:Before you try to fix it, solve
it, analyze it, or make a decision,
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:pause and just ask yourself, "What
is happening inside of me right now?"
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:Not what happened 10 years ago, not
what might happen tomorrow, not what
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:you think someone else is thinking, but
what is happening right now, the facts.
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:Maybe your chest feels tight.
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:Maybe your stomach feels sick.
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:Maybe your jaw is clenched.
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:Maybe your shoulders
are up around your neck.
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:You ever seen people
walking around like that?
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:Maybe your mind is racing.
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:Maybe you feel heat in your
face, you're burning up.
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:There's all these different things
you could be feeling, just notice it.
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:Because when you grew up in this kind
of dysfunction, your body learned
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:to react before your conscious
mind even knew what was happening.
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:Your nervous system is
flagged immediately.
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:It says, woo, woo.
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:Danger.
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:Danger."
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:But that does not automatically
mean you're in danger.
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:It may mean your body remembers danger.
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:That is different.
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:That is 100% different.
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:And this is where I want you to get out
of your head and get into your body.
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:Put your feet on the floor, take one slow
breath in, and then a longer breath out.
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:Look around the room and name a
couple things that you could see.
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:Feel the chair under you.
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:Use your senses.
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:Feel your feet on the ground.
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:Bring yourself back to the present
moment, because you cannot make a
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:present day decision if your body
is still reacting to the past.
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:So step two, name the thought
instead of becoming the thought.
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:. Instead of saying, "I am not
good enough," try saying, "- I
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:am noticing that I'm having the
thought that I'm not good enough."
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:Instead of saying, "They're probably
going to leave me," try saying, "I'm
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:noticing that my mind is telling
me that they're going to leave me."
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:Instead of saying, "I'm going to
fail," try saying, "I'm having
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:the fear that I'm going to fail."
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:Do you see the difference in
these comments or questions?
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:You're creating space.
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:You're not pretending
the thought is not there.
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:You're not trying to force
yourself into fake positivity.
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:You're not saying, "No, I'm
amazing, and everything is perfect.
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:Everything's good."
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:You're simply saying, "My mind is
offering me this thought right now."
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:So that means you don't
have to agree with it.
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:Because when you create that tiny little
bit of space, get your own power back.
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:Because your mind can be loud.
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:Your mind can be so convincing.
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:Your mind can bring up old
memories, old fears, old shame, old
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:beliefs, and old survival rules.
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:But your mind is not always current
Sometimes your mind is trying
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:to protect you from something
that happened many years ago.
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:And you can lovingly
say, "Thank you, mind.
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:I know you're trying to protect
me, but right now I'm safe
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:enough to choose differently."
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:That is not ignoring your past.
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:That is honoring the part of you
that survived it, while allowing
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:the adult version of you to lead.
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:So step three, choose
your next healthy step.
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:This is where healing becomes action.
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:After you notice your body and name the
thought, just ask yourself, "What is
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:one small thing I can do right now that
aligns with the person I want to become?"
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:Not the perfect thing, not the
biggest thing, not the most dramatic
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:thing, not the thing that makes even
uncomfortable feelings even worse.
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:Just the next healthy step.
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:Maybe it's drinking some water.
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:Maybe it's going for a walk.
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:Maybe it's waiting 20 minutes
before you respond at all.
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:Maybe it's saying, "Let me
think about that," and pausing,
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:and just taking the pause.
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:Maybe it's not apologizing
for something you did.
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:But do what's going to feel right.
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:Maybe it's saying no.
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:There are so many things that you can do.
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:But the most important thing is
these decisions that you make,
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:these small decisions, they
need to be based on your values.
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:And that's another thing that Dr.
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:Murray talked about that I loved.
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:Values are not a checklist.
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:Values are a compass.
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:If one of your values is honesty, what is
the next honest step that you can take?
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:Think about that.
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:If one of your values is peace,
what is the next peaceful step?
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:Discern that.
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:If one of your values is self-respect,
what is the next self-respecting step?
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:Because when you do not know
what you value, you will keep
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:living by everybody else's rules.
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:You'll keep saying yes because you
don't want people to be mad at you.
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:You'll keep accepting crumbs because
you don't think you deserve more.
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:You'll keep over-explaining because you're
afraid someone will misunderstand you.
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:But your values help you
come back home to yourself.
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:So Let me give you a few examples here.
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:Let's say someone sends
you a text that feels cold.
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:Your old pattern might be, "Oh, my gosh.
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:They're mad at me.
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:What did I do?
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:I need to fix this.
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:I need to send another text.
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:I need to explain.
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:I need to apologize."
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:But instead, just pause.
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:Notice in your body, "My chest is tight.
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:My stomach dropped.
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:I feel urgency."
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:Then you name the thought.
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:. I'm noticing that my mind is
telling me they are mad at me.
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:Then you choose your next healthy step.
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:If I value self-respect and calm, my next
step is to not chase, explain, or panic.
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:My next step is to wait, regulate, and
respond when I have actual information.
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:That is psychological flexibility.
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:That is nervous system regulation.
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:That is self-trust, and that is a
skill that it takes a while to develop.
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:Doesn't happen overnight.
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:You may have spent 30, 40, 50 years
believing that every anxious thought
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:you had was a warning for you to follow,
so don't expect yourself to become a
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:completely different person tomorrow.
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:But you can start practicing today.
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:You could start noticing.
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:You could start naming.
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:You could start choosing one healthy
next step, and every time you
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:do, you're teaching your nervous
system something very important.
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:You're teaching it that you don't have to
live in the past anymore, that you don't
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:have to let fear make your decisions,
and that you can feel uncomfortable
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:and still choose what is good for you.
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:That is so powerful.
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:So this week, I want you
to practice something.
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:I want you to write this down
somewhere where you can see it.
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:I want you to write down these four
words: notice, name, next step.
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:And the next time you're
triggered, anxious, overwhelmed,
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:people-pleasing, catastrophizing,
or feeling that you are about to
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:abandon yourself, use this method.
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:Again, notice.
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:Notice what is happening
in your body right now.
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:Two, name it.
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:What thought is my mind
offering to me right now?
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:And three, next step.
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:What is one small action that aligns
with my values instead of my fear?
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:You don't have to get rid
of the thought, my friends.
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:We don't have to prove the thought wrong.
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:You just have to stop giving the
thought the key to your life, honestly.
199
:So if this episode helped you, go back and
listen to my full conversation with - Dr.
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:Elizabeth Marragh.
201
:We talked about psychological flexibility,
acceptance in commitment therapy, why pain
202
:and healing can exist at the same time,
and how to find a therapist who actually
203
:makes you feel safe, seen, and heard.
204
:And if someone you know, or even yourself,
are tired of living in survival mode,
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:but you don't know where to begin,
I would love to help support you.
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:I work with people who are ready
to understand their nervous system,
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:stop repeating the same old patterns,
build self-trust, and start creating a
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:life that actually feels like theirs.
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:You don't have to do this perfectly.
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:I don't expect you to do this perfectly.
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:Perfection is a myth anyway.
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:You don't have to have it all figured out.
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:You just have to be willing
to take the next healthy step.
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:So reach out to me for a free
clarity and calm call, and let's talk
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:And remember, your
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:mind may have learned survival,
but your body, your choices, and
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:your life can still learn safety.
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:So thank you so much, and until
next time, I will see you back.
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:Love you all.
