Shownotes
Have you ever had a client just… disappear? No explanation, no cancellation - just silence? Being ghosted as a therapist can be frustrating, confusing, and even a little painful. It’s easy to start wondering: did I do something wrong?
In this episode, I share my own experience of being ghosted by a client - and why I assumed the worst instead of considering other possibilities. We’ll explore why therapy clients ghost, how self-doubt and imposter syndrome can creep in, and why it’s especially hard for neurodivergent therapists with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD).
We’ll also discuss how to handle client no-shows in private practice, whether you should follow up, and ways to reframe ghosting so it doesn’t shake your confidence.
If you’ve ever been left wondering what happened when a client stopped coming to therapy, this episode will help you feel less alone and more equipped to move forward.
Takeaways:
- Why therapy clients ghost - and why it’s not always about you
- How ghosting can trigger self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and embarrassment
- The impact of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) on neurodivergent therapists
- Should you follow up? How to handle client no-shows professionally
- How to reframe ghosting so it doesn’t undermine your confidence
Setting up in private practice? Download my free checklist HERE
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Josephine Hughes on Facebook
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My website: josephinehughes.com
The information contained in Good Enough Counsellors is provided for information purposes only. The contents of this podcast are not intended to amount to advice and you should not rely on any of the contents of this podcast. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this podcast.
Josephine Hughes disclaims all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this podcast.
therapy ghosting, being ghosted by clients, private practice challenges, therapist self-care, emotional impact of ghosting, self-compassion for therapists, managing client dropouts, reasons clients stop therapy, effective cancellation policy, overcoming self-doubt as a therapist, peer support for therapists, navigating client relationships, therapy growth group
Transcripts
When you're working with the great British public, you can get all sorts of odd inquiries, like Joy Archer, a member of therapy growth group, who had a very angry phone call one evening from someone complaining about parking.
Speaker A:Not everyone who contacts you is looking for therapy, but what about the ones that do reach out to start therapy and then disappear?
Speaker A:That that's what we're tackling today.
Speaker A:Being ghosted as a therapist and why it hits so hard.
Speaker A:I'm Josephine Hughes and today I'd like to share something that can be quite a common event amongst private practice therapists and that's being ghosted by a client.
Speaker A:The dictionary definition of ghosting is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication.
Speaker A:But it doesn't just happen in personal relationships.
Speaker A:It can happen between a client and a therapist.
Speaker A:To illustrate this, I thought I'd share a story of something that happened to me a few years ago with a client.
Speaker A:So I was seeing a particular client who quite unus, was using their secretary to make the bookings, and I saw this client for a number of sessions and they were in one of those difficult situations where you don't really have control over what's going on.
Speaker A:The therapy was, as a result, quite difficult.
Speaker A:Now, one day this client just didn't turn up.
Speaker A:There were no messages and there was no explanation about their absence.
Speaker A:And what happened next was I went straight into a shame response and I didn't do anything about following up or seeing what had happened to this client.
Speaker A:And I thought it might be helpful to unpack that a little bit in case you find yourself in a similar situation.
Speaker A:This is what I think was going on for me.
Speaker A:And the first thing was that I assumed that the fact that they hadn't been in touch with me meant that they didn't want to have any more therapy.
Speaker A:And the next step in the process was to assume that they didn't want therapy because I wasn't a good enough therapist.
Speaker A:And actually my response was to feel really embarrassed.
Speaker A:And this stopped me from actually following up and finding out what had happened.
Speaker A:There was something going on for me about, in inverted commas, being polite, and therefore I felt it was pushy to follow up.
Speaker A:And I also didn't want to be in a position where the secretary had to let me down kindly and tell me that the client didn't want to come back.
Speaker A:So basically my embarrassment led to me withdrawing from the relationship rather than actually investigating what might have happened.
Speaker A:Because.
Speaker A:Because of course, in the cold light of day and with hindsight, there might have been lots of reasons why that particular client didn't turn up on that particular day.
Speaker A:Here's some alternative explanations.
Speaker A:The client actually may have wanted to continue therapy but was unable to because of circumstances outside of their control.
Speaker A:Something personal might have got in the way so they didn't book get in again.
Speaker A:And of course there was the extra person involved in this whole process which was the secretary.
Speaker A:And who knows, perhaps the secretary dropped the ball, didn't tell them that they had an appointment with me.
Speaker A:And of course there's always the other possibility that they were struggling to articulate the fact that the therapy wasn't working for them.
Speaker A:But what I think is the moral of this particular story is that isn't it funny how our brains instantly go to that worst case scenario which was I'm not a good enough therap therapist.
Speaker A:And I think what it says is that we often take ghosting personally, even when it's not.
Speaker A:Let's have a little think about the sorts of thoughts that can come up.
Speaker A:I'm sure those feelings that I had are ones that maybe some of you can identify with as well.
Speaker A:But when we're ghosted, when someone doesn't turn up, it's so easy to start feeling self doubt and trying to analyse the situation and overthinking it all, wondering if we've done something wrong.
Speaker A:Maybe you weren't helpful enough, maybe even you feel a bit guilty because you think you should have done more.
Speaker A:So there's a whole lot of feelings that go round about how good you are as a therapist.
Speaker A:You may even feel some anger and frustration.
Speaker A:You know, why has this client let me down when I've put myself out for them so much and I've provided all this space and I've been with them and I've really done my best to help them.
Speaker A:And you can feel really let down when people just disappear without a word.
Speaker A:You may alternatively sort of have that thought that, well, I knew this was going to happen or this is what always happens to me because it's tapping into old stories and old beliefs we have about ourselves.
Speaker A:I think often with ghosting there is that sense of unfinished business as well.
Speaker A:It might be that you feel sad because you've been invested in the client, you cared about them.
Speaker A:And let's face it, many of us do really care about our clients and care about their progress.
Speaker A:And then for them suddenly to disappear off seen it just really leaves us with that sense of, well, what's happened to them, where have they ended up, are they okay?
Speaker A:And it can be really difficult if we then do try and get in touch with them and we still don't hear from them.
Speaker A:But allied to that can be that sense of oh, how much effort should I make and how much is enough contact?
Speaker A:And at what point does it cross over into me stalking them almost in trying to get an answer from them.
Speaker A:And it's just so difficult to deal with, isn't it?
Speaker A:And this is the reason why I'm talking about it today because it does raise all sorts of questions within us and it can be difficult to know what to do next.
Speaker A:The other thing I just wanted to mention as well is that some of us can be really sensitive to rejection.
Speaker A:So particularly if you are somebody who's neurodivergent, you might have a real sort of strong sense of when you're going to be rejected.
Speaker A:You can really almost anticipate it happening.
Speaker A:You might see rejection where perhaps people don't intend to reject, but you interpret it as rejection because you're quite sensitive to rejection.
Speaker A:And also if you are rejected it can lead to really intense feelings and real sense of hurt.
Speaker A:And I think many of us can identify with that feeling.
Speaker A:And it's not necessarily neurodivergent people.
Speaker A:It can also be people who have experienced anxiety, for example, they can be affected by it as well.
Speaker A:So ghosting can really feel like a personal failure even when it's not.
Speaker A:I think we can start to tell ourselves stories such as, if I was a better therapist, this wouldn't have happened.
Speaker A:Other people don't get ghosted and thinking to yourself, well, I've done something wrong, I wonder what it was.
Speaker A:I didn't realise that I'd done something wrong.
Speaker A:And so when, when this self critical spiral gets going, we can really punish ourselves.
Speaker A:And I think at this point it would be really helpful to think about how we can break out of that cycle and the ways that we can help ourselves when ghosting actually happens to us.
Speaker A:I think it's really important to be self compassionate.
Speaker A:And the first part of self compassion is actually about recognizing and acknowledging our emotions.
Speaker A:So it might be that you could hear some of the emotions that might have come up for you when I was just talking a moment ago about the way it might make us feel.
Speaker A:So if that's the way you're feeling, I think the first thing is to acknowledge that to yourself and recognise that that's how you're feeling.
Speaker A:The second part of self compassion is to be actually kind to ourselves.
Speaker A:And I think there's different ways when we're in this scenario, to be kind to ourselves, having recognized the way we're feeling, I think it's really important to respond to those feelings.
Speaker A:And it might be that you need to recognise that at this moment you're so upset by it, it's actually not the time to take action, that actually the best response for you is maybe to do something that builds you up again.
Speaker A:So an example of this would be, how do you soothe yourself?
Speaker A:What do you do that helps you to regulate your emotional state?
Speaker A:As professionals, it's really up to us to sort of be looking after ourselves.
Speaker A:And when we're feeling anxious, when we're feeling rejected, quite often that anxiety makes us want to put things right straight away.
Speaker A:But when we're in that anxious state, that's actually a time to step away and not to be chasing the client or thinking about how well what we're going to do about the client.
Speaker A:It's actually a sign that we need to bring down our emotional state and to be more self regulated.
Speaker A:So it may be the first way to be kind to yourself is to actually take some time out.
Speaker A:It may be that it might be helpful to reach out for support if that's something that helps you to regulate your nervous system.
Speaker A:So that might be talking to a peer, a fellow counsellor or possibly your supervisor.
Speaker A:And once you've actually got to that place where you are feeling more regulated, you then might like to think about, well, what are the alternative explanations for what might have happened?
Speaker A:You can actually reframe what's going on.
Speaker A:So think about why is it that someone might have ghosted you?
Speaker A:What are the alternative explanations that are there?
Speaker A:The reality is that clients do actually disappear and quite a lot of the time it isn't actually anything that's to do with us.
Speaker A:And here's just a few examples of why clients may find it difficult to come back to a session or to get in touch with you.
Speaker A:I always remember my tutor telling us a story about when her therapist really helped her to put her finger on the fact that she was repeating patterns of behaviour she just felt really hungry about and she didn't want to go back.
Speaker A:And it took her a little while to go back to that therapist because she just didn't like the fact that she recognised what was going on.
Speaker A:So that might be something that make people ghost you, that you've actually got a difficult set of emotions and you don't want to face up to them.
Speaker A:Other reasons that might come up, it could be as simple as a Financial struggle, but the client feels too embarrassed than to admit to that.
Speaker A:And I think it's really important at this point to say that obviously the people who are coming to see us might not be the most assertive type of people.
Speaker A:Often we're working with people who perhaps have low self esteem and that means it's really difficult for them to state what they need and to be able to say to a therapist, actually, you know, I'm ready to finish, or actually, this isn't working.
Speaker A:That can be a really difficult thing to say.
Speaker A:And in a way they'd rather avoid the conflict.
Speaker A:And so they just disappear because they're frightened of what your response might be.
Speaker A:And that isn't necessarily anything to do with you.
Speaker A:That's just what they're bringing to the session and who they are within themselves.
Speaker A:And it might be that they're just not ready to be able to have that conversation with you.
Speaker A:I think it's important to point out that they might have difficult attachment styles and that might be coming into play as well.
Speaker A:And then there's other things.
Speaker A:You know, life just can get in the way.
Speaker A:Sometimes things can happen and certainly I've had it happen to me where something has happened to someone and they really haven't had a chance to let me know.
Speaker A:And you may think, oh, you know, it is only a simple phone call.
Speaker A:But sometimes if something big's happened to someone, it's just difficult to get round to contacting your therapist.
Speaker A:And especially if you're someone who works with neurodivergent people, that might be a factor as well.
Speaker A:And a really simple thing can be that they make the assumption that the therapist is going to follow up.
Speaker A:And then if you're like I was with that particular client that I described, I didn't follow up and so nothing happened.
Speaker A:We very rarely assume those neutral and rational reasons for why somebody might be ghosting us.
Speaker A:We quite often go to that place of thinking that it's about us not being good enough.
Speaker A:But in order to be kind to ourselves, I think it's really helpful to acknowledge there might be a whole range of reasons why someone is ghosting us.
Speaker A:And we don't know what those are.
Speaker A:We can't make the assumption that is actually about us.
Speaker A:Another part of self compassion is the idea of common humanity.
Speaker A:And when we apply this to the subject of being ghosted, I don't know if this will help you or not, but certainly I find the thought that someone else is going through a similar experience to me can be really helpful.
Speaker A:Somewhere some Other therapist is also having the experience of being ghosted.
Speaker A:You're not alone.
Speaker A:And it hurts.
Speaker A:Let's acknowledge it.
Speaker A:It hurts.
Speaker A:We are human.
Speaker A:We get hurt when we're left with these unresolved feelings.
Speaker A:But it isn't an uncommon thing to happen.
Speaker A:And I think reframing it and telling yourself that this is something that does take place, it happens enough that I am doing a podcast about it.
Speaker A:So if it happens to you, you're really not the only person this has happened to.
Speaker A:And when you know that, it can take away some of the sting, because it's not purely about you as a person, it's about a whole myriad of other factors that may be going on.
Speaker A:Let's now have a think about actually how to avoid ghosting happening.
Speaker A:And here's just a few ideas of practical steps that you could take.
Speaker A:I think it would be really helpful to have a real clear cancellation policy.
Speaker A:You've probably got one already, but perhaps consider including in your contract something around how many times you will contact a client if they don't attend a session.
Speaker A:I also think it would be really helpful to communicate with clients right at the start as to what therapy is and what therapy isn't, so that they have clear expectations about the type of help that you give them.
Speaker A:We all know that people would love us to wave a magic wand.
Speaker A:So I think it's about communicating the limitations of what people can expect, how quickly they can expect it to make a difference.
Speaker A:And I think with that sort of clarity, people can then make more of a choice as to whether or not they want to embark on therapy and what their expectations are as to how long it's going to take to actually bring about change.
Speaker A:Something that I began to find with experience.
Speaker A:So when I first started working in private practice, I didn't really pick this up.
Speaker A:And then I had people who would book in and not come back.
Speaker A:But gradually, after a while, I began to be able to pick up on the signals that people were actually telling me that they wanted to finish their therapy.
Speaker A:And it's when people start saying things like they're feeling a lot better.
Speaker A:And whereas I might interpret that as great, so we're ready to move on to the next stage.
Speaker A:They might be saying, actually, I'm ready to finish at this point.
Speaker A:And so what I learned to do was when they said something like that to me, I would reflect it back and say, oh, are you telling me that you're now ready to finish therapy?
Speaker A:And it just opens up the conversation.
Speaker A:It brings it into the room.
Speaker A:And then you're not left in a position where you.
Speaker A:You think they're coming back, but they're actually deciding not to come back.
Speaker A:So just bring it into the room when they tell you that they're feeling better and just check it out with them.
Speaker A:And then finally, part of the reason of this podcast is to actually normalise the idea of ghosting, but also it really helps if you can normalise it in your conversations with your peers.
Speaker A:I'm sure you're not the only one who's experienced ghosting.
Speaker A:And you know what Roger says, congruence begets congruence.
Speaker A:If you can be congruent with your colleagues, with your peers and say, oh, I've been ghosted, I bet you'll find that other people are, say, yeah, I've had that experience too, and take it to supervision, take it to peer supervision, talk about your feelings.
Speaker A:You deserve to process those feelings and to have the space to do so.
Speaker A:And I think you'll probably find that people are really understanding because they've probably been through it as well.
Speaker A:And I have to say at this point that the idea for this podcast about ghosting was as a result of a conversation we had in Therapy Growth Group about it.
Speaker A:Therapy Growth Group is an opportunity for you to be with peers, to be with other people who are wanting to grow their private practice.
Speaker A:And part of being ghosted, the pain of being ghosted is that you're working really hard to get clients and then to be let down is so disappointing.
Speaker A:And in Therapy Growth Group, we do support each other when these things happen.
Speaker A:We have calls where you're able to share what's going on for you and your private practice.
Speaker A:And it really is a lovely, supportive environment to help help you as you're growing in your business.
Speaker A:So please do think about joining me and the other members of Therapy Growth Group if you'd like more support and to feel less alone in your private practice.
Speaker A:As we close, let's acknowledge then that ghosting happens to most of us at some point in our career.
Speaker A:Even the most experienced counsellor will probably have clients that ghost them.
Speaker A:But when it happens, just notice.
Speaker A:Where is your mind going?
Speaker A:Are you going to be like me and immediately assume that it's because you're not good enough?
Speaker A:Are you going to be able to acknowledge your feelings that this hurts, but offer yourself the grace to soothe yourself and then think about what alternative explanations there might be for this to have happened and reframe it as this happens to everyone, it's not a reflection of your skills and trust that there's lots of clients out there that you do support and who will stay engaged with you because you can really help them.
Speaker A:I'd love to hear from you.
Speaker A:Have you ever been ghosted?
Speaker A:Get in touch and let me know.
Speaker A:And thanks very much for listening.
Speaker A:I'll be back next week with another episode of the Good Enough Counsellors Podcast.
Speaker A:Thanks for listening.
Speaker A:Do come and join my Facebook community, Good Enough Counsellors.
Speaker A:And for more information about how I can help you develop your private practice, please Visit my website, JosephineHughes.com if you found this episode helpful, I'd love it if you could share it with a fellow therapist or leave a review on your podcast app.
Speaker A:And in closing, I'd love to remind you that every single step you make gets you closer to your dream.
Speaker A:I really believe you can do it.
