Philippians 4 is the anxiety chapter of the Bible. The most famous verses are 6 and 7, where Paul reveals the secret of replacing the anxiety cycle with the peace cycle. Verse 8 explains how to overcome ruinous rumination by fixing your thoughts on better things. But all of this comes in the shadow of perhaps the most obscure verses in the entire book:

Philippians 4:2-3 (NLT) Now I appeal to Euodia and Syntyche. Please, because you belong to the Lord, settle your disagreement. And I ask you, my true partner, to help these two women, for they worked hard with me in telling others the Good News.

Paul is referencing here another type of anxiety all too common in the church and in our homes: relational anxiety. Apparently these two women had a serious disagreement. To Paul, it was a big enough deal that he included it in scripture! It should be a big deal to us as well. So let’s talk about four practical steps to settling disagreements and overcoming relational anxiety.

Commit to being a peace-maker.

Every family and organization has a set of core values, whether they are plastered on walls or simply embedded in the hearts and minds of the members. The early church was no different, and one of its values is summarized best here:

Romans 12:17 (NLT) Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

Put yourself in their shoes.

So how do you start? What’s the first step in biblical reconciliation? Try this: put yourself in their shoes. Resist the urge to get in your box and point fingers. Follow the example of Christ:

Philippians 2:4 (NLT) Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

This is hard and unnatural. Who does this? By nature we’re all trained to think about conflict from our own perspectives. We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and we extend little grace to others. They do the same thing to us, and the disagreement only gets more unsettling.

So try this instead: think about it from their perspective. Play over the conversation in your head and try to articulate the problem in their words. How would you feel in their position? Stop fixating on what they’ve done wrong. Look in the mirror instead. Pray this prayer:

Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT) Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Talk to them, not about them.

In conflict, it’s far easier to talk about someone than it is to talk directly to them. When you gossip, you seek out someone who will take your side. You triangulate and look for a “yes man” who will confirm that you’re right and the other person is wrong.

But as soon as you do this, you’re wrong. Even if you were right to start with.

It’s called the “Matthew 18 Protocol,” and it comes straight from the mouth of Jesus. It’s a principle for dealing with conflict that very few Christians apply to their relationships.

Matthew 18:15-16 If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again….

Be ready to absorb the offense.

Sometimes the Matthew 18 Protocol opens the door to a miracle. Both people hear each other out. Apologies are offered and hugs are exchanged. The disagreement is settled! But sometimes it doesn’t work. The hardest part of reconciliation is when it doesn’t go as planned.