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In this inaugural episode, host Amie Barsky welcomes Megan Thoma, a renowned dating coach who specializes in helping women navigate the complexities of relationships. Megan shares her insights on breaking free from societal expectations, healing from toxic relationships, and recognizing the red flags and green flags in dating. She delves into the science behind why women often stay in relationships past their expiration date and discusses the concept of a "loveability level." The conversation also explores how early childhood experiences with caregivers influence adult relationships, the importance of defining personal values and standards in relationships, and practical advice on building self-trust and effectively communicating needs and desires in a relationship.

What We Discussed

00:01:23 - Megan's Journey into Becoming a Dating Coach

00:03:21 - Why We Choose to See the Good in People

00:06:03 - The Importance of Grace in Relationships

00:07:02 - Communicating Needs in Relationships

00:08:30 - Setting Standards and Values in Relationships

00:10:36 - The Role of Pheromones in Attraction

00:11:28 - Understanding Red Flags in Relationships

00:13:51 - The Impact of Familiarity in Relationships

00:15:41 - Building Self-Trust

00:17:27 - Listening to Your Body's Signals

00:19:00 - The Importance of Trusting Yourself

00:21:10 - Small Practices for Building Self-Trust

00:23:34 - Healing Old Patterns and Owning Your Voice

00:25:28 - Practicing Vulnerability and Communication

00:27:19 - The Importance of Expressing True Desires

00:29:27 - Practicing with Safe People

00:31:19 - The Power of Microscopic Truth in Communication

00:34:05 - The Importance of Vulnerability for Connection

00:36:05 - How to Connect with Megan Thoma

00:38:10 - Megan's Personal Practices for Self-Care

Memorable Guest Quotes

On Falling in Love with Potential:

"We excel at falling in love with potential due to our early experiences with inconsistent caregivers. As children, we cling to the hope that 'maybe someday' they will fulfill our needs. This pattern often continues into adulthood, where we find ourselves repeatedly drawn to potential rather than reality in our romantic relationships."

On Expressing Needs in Relationships:

"There's a difference between trying to change someone and expressing your needs. It's about communicating what makes you feel loved and seen. For instance, I value words of affirmation and small gestures like notes, which might not come naturally to everyone. But when I share this openly, it invites my partner to meet my needs in ways that are meaningful to me."

On Building Self-Trust:

"Building self-trust involves listening to your intuition and honoring the small, often overlooked internal prompts. Whether it's taking a different route or grabbing a coffee, these actions reinforce your ability to trust your own decisions. Over time, this practice strengthens your internal guidance system, making you more confident in your choices and more attuned to your true desires."

Connect with Megan

Megan’s Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/megan_thoma/

Megan’s Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/megan.thoma.7/

Download My Free Breathwork Practice

https://www.amiebarsky.com/free-breathwork

Connect With Amie

Website: https://amiebarsky.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/amie-barsky/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/amiebarskycoaching/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@AmieBarsky?sub_confirmation=1

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Amie Barsky [0:00 - 1:22]: Welcome back to the I come first podcast. It is your friend and host Amy Barsky here. Special guest Megan Thoma joins us today. And this conversation is all about real talk. When it comes to dating and all things relationship related, Megan is more than a woman's dating coach. She is a wizard at helping you break up with the b's of societal conditions, heal from toxic relationships, and dead end dating. Today, Megan is sharing some thought provoking questions when it comes to defining your values and green flags and red flags that signal in your body when it comes to relationships. We'll also unveil the science behind why so many women stay in relationships way beyond their expiration date. I can definitely relate to that one. Plus, discover your loveability level. Did you even know you had a loveability level? Yeah, me neither. And that's okay. So let's just tune in and find out. All right, Megan, so welcome to the I come first podcast. I am really excited to dive into this conversation all about juicy relationships and what happens when we have that synergy between people or when we don't, and we think we do things like that. So in a the Cliff notes version of how you got into the space of being a dating coach, what did you have to overcome? Like, give us a little bit of that.

Megan Thoma [1:23 - 2:38]: Oh, man. The Cliff note version got me into. Yeah. What really got me into this work was my own life experience. I was engaged to a man. We got engaged really fast after eight months. And you know when somebody says, after we got married, everything changed. My story was, after we got engaged, everything changed. And it was a very rude awakening to a lot of things that I had been avoiding within myself. I came from a family that was very open about our feelings. I went to therapy when I was younger. My mother was very much in the work, still is into personal development. So it's always been a part of my life. But it wasn't until that relationship, which I call my big toxic relationship and big SmackDown from the universe, that I really dove in and wanted to do deeper work. And I hired my first coach. And when I went through that experience, I just knew this is what I meant to do. This is my calling. I've been avoiding it for so many years because I never thought I could really do it and go out there on my own, but here I am.

Amie Barsky [2:38 - 3:19]: Well, thank you for doing it, because you have helped so many women around the world with their love lives. So thank you for doing that. So let's get started in a conversation around why we choose. You know, sometimes when I have people like yourself on. I'm like, oh, I'm going to get a nice coaching session out of this because there's so much knowledge and wisdom from you that I'm so ready to receive. And so, anyway, jumping into why we choose to see the good in somebody, to hang on with everything we've got to the hope and the potential that things might change, even though we're feeling disconnected, unfulfilled and unsatisfied in the relationship.

Megan Thoma [3:21 - 4:29]: This is something that has always fascinated me because any of your listeners, which I'm sure a lot of them are into personal development because they're hearing the space, learning from you, you know that our brains are wired for negativity. So why is this, in this one realm of life, that our brain looks for just the good? Like, when we're dating, it's like we're in fantasy land. So what it all boils down to, basically, is our relationship with our caregivers. So, for example, one of the ways that I've learned that we are excellent at falling in love with potential is when we have an inconsistent parent or an inconsistent caregiver. Because as little ones, that's the one thing we have to hold on to. Like, maybe someday daddy will want to play with me. Maybe someday mom will give me attention. Maybe someday he'll show love. Maybe someday. Maybe someday. So we're excellent at falling in love with potential. And if. If we're not aware of that and we don't do some of the deeper work around that, that little girl in us is just continuously trying to find that in romantic relationships.

Amie Barsky [4:29 - 4:39]: Oh, man. And I resonate with that. And I also want to also bring this into the conversation of there can be breadcrumbs at times.

Megan Thoma [4:39 - 4:39]: Right.

Amie Barsky [4:39 - 4:42]: There's a little bit. So we know it's possible.

Megan Thoma [4:42 - 4:42]: Right.

Amie Barsky [4:43 - 4:59]: I get a little bit of attention or I get a little bit of that. I made that request. And they're playing the game, right? They're fulfilling the need, but still, there's that disconnect of maybe they're doing it because I asked them to versus because they actually want to.

Megan Thoma [4:59 - 5:00]: Right, right.

Amie Barsky [5:00 - 5:15]: And so, or they leave the little breadcrumbs, they'll start the journey of like, oh, she asked for this, and so I'm gonna give it to her. And then it falls off, you know, when, when something happens and a couple weeks go by and then that, it just goes out the window. And so it's very.

Megan Thoma [5:16 - 5:18]: And that's very common. Yeah.

Amie Barsky [5:18 - 6:03]: Yeah. And we also get to understand that it is, if it is a new practice for someone, like, say, we're making a request in a relationship. Hey, this is my love language, and I would love, you know, if we could do this once a week or whatever that request might be. It's about knowing that this person is perhaps practicing a new way of being or relating or connecting that they're so unfamiliar with that at first it's like, okay, I'm going to do it. But then again, it falls off because it's a new practice and it's not second nature yet. And you got to want it. You got to want it to become a regular practice because you want that person in your life to feel cared for and loved for, you know?

Megan Thoma [6:03 - 7:02]: Yes. And we have to be willing to give grace with that, too, because if it doesn't come naturally for someone. And that's, you know, I've had people ask me before, well, is that me trying to change someone? And to me, there's a difference between trying to change someone and wanting them to be a different person versus making requests, saying, this is how I receive love. This is how I feel love. This matters to me. This is important to me. Would you be willing to like, mine is. Mine is letters. I want notes left around my place. I do. I love that. And that doesn't come natural for a lot of men. Words of affirmation, the men, yes, that is me to a t. So. But when I have shared that vulnerably and openly, even with men, that that's not, you know, second nature to them, they have a desire to want to provide, please me, to want to do that for me. Yes. Which is what men are wired for, so.

Amie Barsky [7:02 - 7:37]: And I also want to preface that when that request is made, and maybe they are a. No, that's not something that feels aligned for them. Then what is it? What could be communicated that the agreement is? Okay, well, then it could. It look like this, you know, and so that the needs are still being filled, and it's not going to look exactly the way I want it to look, you know, a love note every Tuesday on a pink piece of paper with blue pen. That's what I'd like. Right? It is what I'd like.

Megan Thoma [7:37 - 8:30]: But we. So how we get to. How we get to figure out what that is for us is we look at the need underneath the request. So my request is a love note. Okay, great. What is it about in love notes that makes me feel loved? What need is being fulfilled and met by that request? It makes me feel special. It makes me feel like they're thinking of me. It makes me feel like they put in effort. So it just, it makes me feel seen. And it makes me feel that, yes. And if someone was like, I absolutely can't do a love note, I would be like, okay, great. So what's that about? And, okay, what is something else that we could come together here on that would still make me feel seen and special? Because we deserve to feel that way. I want them to feel seen and special, too. That's part of being in a romantic relationship. Exactly.

Amie Barsky [8:30 - 8:59]: Exactly. And this gets to be, I feel it gets to be clear with our standards and values to begin with. What do I value in relationships? What are my standards? What am I willing to tolerate and not tolerate? Because we all have a different tolerance level. And I'm going to use a kind of a. It just came to mind, so I'll just share it because it made me giggle. I'm going to use this, for instance, and it's so out there, but I.

Megan Thoma [8:59 - 9:00]: Think it'll be good.

Amie Barsky [9:00 - 9:23]: So pheromones, body smells, scents, things like that. I have a very particular nose, and if I can smell a scent that doesn't obviously smell good to me, which I would label bad body odor or body odor, then I'm not going to be. I don't care how good looking the guy is, there's going to be some kind of disc.

Megan Thoma [9:23 - 9:24]: I can't even get close to you.

Amie Barsky [9:24 - 9:54]: Because I'm like, right. Trying to catch my breath, however. And I'm bringing this up because I thought when my girlfriend shared those with me, I was rolling, laughing hilariously, because in my opinion, her husband's body odor is so potent, I can't even. I'm just like, holy crap. And she's like, I love it. I love when he smells and he stinks. He just finished a workout or working on the house, and I'm just like, I just, I can't. I can't.

Megan Thoma [9:54 - 9:55]: And that's how.

Amie Barsky [9:56 - 9:59]: So uniquely wired and designed we all are.