Mom guilt is real. And it's stopping you from being the calm parent you want to be. In this episode, guest Mary Skinner helps you understand why you feel guilty, where it comes from, and how to stop blaming yourself.

We’re also getting into our own journeys of learning how to drop guilt, set better boundaries, and become the leaders of our families. There are so many little nuggets of wisdom in this episode that I can’t wait for you to hear.

You'll Learn:

• Problems with gentle parenting
• Where mom guilt comes from
• How to stop feeling so much mom guilt
• Why boundaries are so important (and how to get better at them)
• A simple mantra to help you drop self-judgment and guilt

Mary Skinner is a holistic birth and postpartum doula, founder of the Lotus Doula Tribe, mother of three children, yoga instructor, and all-around amazing mom and person. I hope you love our conversation!

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Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here

Related Episodes:

• Episode 176: This One’s For the Working Moms
• Episode 133: Your Kid’s Happiness Isn’t Your Job
• Episode 69: The Problem with Modern Motherhood
• Episode 56: Being a “Good” Mom Doesn’t Prevent Pain

Connect with Mary:

• Learn more about Mary Skinner and her work at https://lotusdoulatribe.com/
• Follow her on Instagram @LotusDoulaTribe
• Like her on Facebook

Connect With Darlynn:

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlin Childress

and today I'm going to start the episode a little bit unique and

I'm just going to pop you right into a conversation that

I am having with a colleague of mine named

Mary Skinner and I'll properly introduce you to her in a

second. But I wanted you to hear the beginning of our conversation

because it's so juicy and it really sets the stage for

what we're going to talk about. Curious. Like, what do you what's on your mind

these days? My kids have been gone for a month at my in

laws and which is so fun. They go and it is

so wonderful. And I always feel so guilty

the first couple days of like, oh my gosh, like

guilty that my kids were gone, that I was supposed to be this mom that

loves her kids and loves spending every second with them

and. And I do, and I don't. I also work

and I am busy and I realize how

overstimulated I am when I'm home with

my kids a lot. That

is Mary Skinner. She is a birth doula and the mother of

three children and a yoga

instructor and just an all around amazing

mom and person. And in this conversation we're

talking about guilt, we're talking about mom judgment, we're talking about

why we feel so bad and how to stop feeling so bad.

And also a little bit about the problems with gentle parenting and

how important it is to set boundaries and our own journey figuring out

how to set boundaries and become the leaders in our home and how to drop

guilt. There are so many little nuggets of wisdom in this episode

that I have a feeling you're gonna wanna write stuff down and like, you know,

listen back and learn different things as, as we talk about

mom guilt, judgment, boundaries and just raising

really resilient kids. So please enjoy this episode with Mary

Skinner. Welcome, Mary, to the podcast.

In the intro I played the thing about what you just said about

guilt and feeling overstimulated and having a break

from your kids and feeling guilt that you are relieved or

happy whenever you have that. And

tell us about your work and your business and how you

like your life a little bit. Give some context. And then I

want to talk about how to cope with that guilt

feeling when you do get a break. I think that

happens to moms a lot. So I am a

birth and postpartum doula. I'm a holistic birth and postpartum doula. I

own Lotus Doula tribe, which is a Tribe of mom supporting

moms. Because early on in my doula work I

realized that I cannot do it all. I have three kids

and that I kind of hybrid homeschool and there's

just no way that I can be at every birth and, and do it all.

And so I started the tribe a couple years ago and so I found

other just like minded mothers that

were either newer doulas or maybe had been around Benedula, but

not like super busy or whatever, all similar

style. And we value the same things and it's just a

beautiful like tribe that we have. And so can you tell

the audience what a doula is? Because not

everybody knows that's true. I didn't even

know. I know. So in Latin,

doula means a woman servant. And

it, it started hundreds of years ago of just women coming to support

other women having babies and that maternal

wisdom, you know, that we all have and just being there to

hold space and witness women as they go through a very transformative

journey and experience. Oh, I love that. So

beautiful. What a gift for someone to have

a doula as part of the journey for their,

you know, entry into motherhood or. And this new child that's coming

into their life. I love that. Yeah. So beautiful.

Yeah. So you're juggling this business and

births come when they come. Right? So you also kind of need to be available

and it's so good you have a team now because it's not all on you.

You can kind of build up that, that group that

helps support you. And what is that? How do you juggle that? Like, what does

that look like in your life with your kids? Or is your partner like around?

Like what is that actually like? Because I think women,

as I've talked to moms, you know, throughout the years, it's

like there it is very hard to have a career when

you are the default parent, when you're the

person who has to like be home when they're sick or, you know,

you want to participate in the field trips and whatever the things are

that are happening. And, and I think it

can make women not want to stay in the,

in, in their field and not participate in,

you know, the economy or like whatever it is that they are drawn to their

mission. So what have you done to balance that?

What's that look like? I think like just being an

entrepreneur and just self employed and there is

so much freedom in being your own boss

and making your own hours. And I think that's been really helpful for

me as a mom. But I will say, when I did have. I

owned a student loan Consolidation Co. 10, 13 years

ago. And that was really overwhelming. Like

my heart, it was not a passion, my heart was not in

it. I was very stressed, very well

financially, but not worth, not worth my soul, you

know. And I actually like, I did that for a couple of years

and it just lost myself. You know, I was very

unhappy. I was snapping at my children and then I would feel

so much guilt for taking it out on them and because

I was so overstimulated and just like so. And. But

also not doing anything that I loved and it was really

hard. So I actually ended up like quitting everything. I closed the

business down and just became a mom. And I

became a mom. I was a mom. But like I still taught yoga classes because

I've taught yoga and that has like been such a beautiful saving

therapeutic grace for me and other like fitness modality classes for fun.

But it was, I was so focused on my kids and it was like such

a relief. They really needed me, you know, in those little years and

it was so nice. And I had a really budget budget. Like I was used

to a certain income, a dual income. So I had to like really

budget, get rid of a lot of things. No more pedicures, no more massages,

no more car washes, you know, all the luxury things, no eating out. Like I.

It was for the first time in my life I had a budget because being

a mom was so, so important to me and I needed to make it

work. You know, in Southern California I did that for about eight years,

but I just kept this little like voice. And he was like,

Mary, like, but you love to work and you love to do

stuff. And you know, and so I knew that eventually I would get back

to working, but I really wanted to savor this little time when they were

little and it was beautiful. And then. But as

soon as my kids kind of got older and independent and

that is like key. That's how I've been able to do this

is because they, I've taught them to

be able to cook for themselves, be able to pick up after themselves, be able

to like be kind of self starters and just self

motivated to do things that I don't have to always do and be.

And that's like how I've been able to, to do it because I

trust that. And my husband's amazing. He's like, he's self employed so he's

got flexibility. And my daughter was older, she was,

she's 14 now, so she was like 11 when I started

like really getting into this and she's super mature and so

love that, I love that. I mean, that's not everyone's reality, that's for sure. But

it does sound like some of the key

components are making sure you have capacity.

Right. And if you aren't able to manage

the hours or the whatever that tax is on

you. And you made a big choice to say, like, I have to take a

break from this. And at the same time teaching

your children to become more independent, you're working with them so that you can

create a lifestyle that does lend itself for you to start working

again. And I wonder if there was like a wisdom in that of

like, someday these kids are going to need to be independent

while I go back to work, you know, with that intention. Yeah.

There is evidence that a primary parent is working parent, that

you do grow up more self reliant, independent. So I

think the guilt that we feel is often because we think that we're not

doing something right. We're not giving our kids what they should have

or deserve or whatever it is. And actually it's

the opposite. It's like your kids this summer being away with

their grandparents, they're growing so much in

becoming independent and exposed to new adults and

problem solving on their own without relying on their parents.

And that's the value of having kids in camps

or after school programs or even even going to school.

You know, it's not necessarily the answer, but it is an opportunity.

And we don't feel guilt when we send our children to

school. And it's because we have an internal belief.

I mean, not always, but like, if we decide that school's safe and good and

yummy, we're like, yeah, and it's good for them. So if we can kind

of help ourselves understand that something is good for

our kids, we will feel less guilt. I was gonna say, you go to work

and it's so easy to think, oh, I'm, I, I feel so bad I should

be with my children. I. Yeah. And it's like, well, why,

why do you think you should be with them? That's the concept

itself is hurting their development. They should

have time away from you in order to grow and become

whoever they're supposed to become. There's so many, so many thoughts that

came to mind as you were talking because I've been on both sides of this.

So, you know, I have not worked and been with my

kids all day and I've homeschooled them. Like me doing the homeschool

for three years. And not working and.

And it was beautiful. And it was really hard,

really challenging, especially with my middle, who was probably like, undiagnosed

adhd. And I was trying to, like, homeschool him, and that was like,

so challenging, wanting to pull my hair out because I had

this certain expectation of how, you know, he should learn. And he was like, yeah,

right. Being in, like, the homeschool crew, there was a lot of

judgment of, like, moms that send their kids to school and,

you know, and working moms and. And then I'm now on

the other side of, like, I've put my kids in, like, these homeschool pods

where that's drop off so I can work. And there's even judgment. Working

moms to stay at home moms. It's like, there's. We're all judging each

other. Yes, I think so. Let's talk about that because I think

that's really interesting. Like, what's your thought? Like, why do

we do that? What do you. I have my thoughts, and I'm just like, it's

a whole projection. It's a whole insecurity. We just project of what we're

insecure about, and it's got nothing to do with the actual

reality of. Of everyone has to do what's best

for them. Like, there's no perfect way to raise your children,

to educate your children. It's. You just have to do what works

for you and your family and stop judging everyone.

Like, we're all just doing the best that we can for this

moment of time, for this season, our life. You know, there was a season where

I worked, and there was a season where I didn't, and there was a season

that I homeschooled, and there's a season that I don't. And so. You know what

I mean? It's just. And so I found myself judging that in the past, and

now I'm on the other side. I'm like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe. I

just can't believe how much judgment I did. And people do. And it's

just like, we got to stop. We're all that we can.

And I think it's actually bigger than the individual

judgment of each other and the individual insecurity. I think that there

is a generalized false

expectation on mothers and on what

the outcomes of children are supposed to be. And how much

influence do we actually have over

the course of our children's lives? And should we have

this much power? And, you know, do we. And

is if we do, do we. Should we And I think

all of us are feeling in general that

we're not doing it right or well.

And there's this undercurrent of

it's so hard for me.

And then this person is just, you know, sending their kid to

child care or whatever. And then we're, like, almost

jealous because it looks like maybe that's like a. The easy way

out, but then that person is also choosing a hard way, too,

because it is just hard.

It's hard to raise kids. Yeah. And so we don't

need anyone judging or ourselves judging

ourselves. And one of my mantras that I preach every week

in my prenatal yoga classes, in my candlelight yoga and my mommy and

me yoga is, I am doing the best that I

can. And that is just like. And it's enough.

And it's enough. Add it's enough. Because I feel

sometimes I love that. But I also feel like I'm

doing the best that I can. Can feel a little bit like

I would do more if I could or something. And I just think, like,

I am doing enough. Like, everything I'm doing is

beyond enough. Like, it's more than enough. I could do less, and

I would still be killing it. I. I feel so strongly

about this because I'm so tired of moms feeling so

burned out because they have crazy high

expectations. Right. That there's more I could do reals on

Insta and TikTok and the comparison.

And the comparison. And it's like, it's not real, first of all.

And, like, be. Who cares what they're doing?

Focus on you and your family and what your needs are. Yes. And

helping your children continue to continuously

be challenged in a supportive way.

I think of it like, if we can just get our kids to have

the right fit of challenge. Like, your

daughter has done such a great job

finding the right fit for her when it comes to

managing cook, learning to cook, or this camp. And, you know, it's

challenging. It's in the right scope

for her, so it's not overly taxing on her. And then she

has your emotional support. And I think all of us can look at

our kids and be like, well, let's see, what is their

best challenge and how can I emotionally support them instead of

removing challenges. Right. Because it's just going to make

them weaker. Hold on. My cat is, like, so annoying. Close the

door. They won't stop meowing. Yeah. That's another big

thing of, like, how can we make our kids life easier? But when you

make it easier, they just become softer. And not

as resilient, you know, and I feel like

I. I actually sometimes try to make

things harder for my kids because I want

that. I, like, I really want them to figure it out. Like, I don't want

to problem solve for them. I don't want to buy things for them. I always

want them to pay for themselves. I want them to value working

so they value the dollar so that they can save up and buy things and

then they actually really respect those things and don't trash the

things and aren't ungrateful and, you know, because that can happen.

Yeah. It's so true. I think that's one of the things we're seeing, and I

think it's coming from a good place, but that we are almost creating, you know,

kids who don't have emotional resilience, like they're not tough enough. And it's

because we have thought that our job is to

make it pain free and that we're

going to raise these kids in an environment that is so

idyllic and bulldoze away every problem and, you

know, create all of this beauty and joy and happiness and

ease. And I love all that. I want that. Of course. But if we

are doing it, we're burned out because we're trying so hard. That's not great. As

a mom, we can't work so hard at making

a perfect childhood that we're yelling at them because we're

so taxed. Right. That's not very idyllic. And then

also then it hurts the kids opportunity to like,

struggle and grow. Yeah. I

think it's because we have a misconception of what our job is sometimes.

Totally of. Yeah. Of wanting to protect them. And I hear a lot of parents

say, I want to give my kids a life better than I had. And.

And part of me is like, well,

yes and no. Like,

definitely more emotionally intelligent because I feel like,

you know, some parents from that generation before us were not.

And yeah, I just, you know,

I'm. I'm not a big fan of the gentle parenting.

I tried that and I failed. And I

was yelling and, you know, very stressed

out and so

finding how to, like, lead, you know, with leadership and

love. But being a leader in the home, you know, was a huge thing. And

I know that's probably what you do with your parenting. Yeah,

yeah. That if we have. If our. Only if

their parenting model is only based on emotional validation.

Right. That's like what gentle parenting is trying

to say is let's raise emotionally intelligent kids

by emotionally validating them. And

giving them the support. That's the intention of it.

But what has happened is that then it becomes

boundaryless, because the

feeling becomes. The goal is trying to make

everyone happy. And that is

the problem, because then you don't have

an opportunity to teach your kids how to struggle, how

to find a boundary, push up against it, fail,

experience the impact of that failure. And

it's funny because when I started teaching parenting 15

years ago, I used to have to say, feelings matter.

I had to teach that. And now, 15 years later, I have

to say, rules matter.

So we've kind of come too far. And now, you know, in parent education

that I do fear that there's going to be a backlash against

feelings matter. And I just say feelings first, behavior second. This is

not a feelings only model. Like, it is okay

for your kids to be unhappy. That's actually important. It's

okay for them to be safe, sad that you

left, or you're not at the little,

like, you know, mom's tea or whatever. And because you're like,

I'm sorry, I'm traveling for work, or, I have to take care of your

grandmother. She's ill. Like, whatever it is, there's,

like, reasons that adult life is

as important as children's lives, maybe more. Yeah.

I love what you said about leadership. Like, yeah. Finding leadership

in love. And what do you. How do you define that? Because I think

it's. It's something I try to talk about on the podcast a lot, but I'd

love to hear your take on it. Yeah. Because I was so, like, feelings

matter. I tried. I had heard once when my daughter was. My

poor daughter was like the guinea pig of everything, is my oldest.

But I heard once someone say that a kid hears the

word no like, 300 times in a day. And. And I was like,

oh, my gosh. Like, totally struck me, like, I don't want to say no. You

know, like, I'm going to be the mom that is a yes mom. And

that backfired a lot.

So I would, you know, always say,

you know, yes and. And, yes. But

it totally backfired with how, you know, she was reacting.

And it kind of, at that point, probably feeling

quite. The child's feeling quite confused when you have to

say no because you have created an emotional

dynamic where my job is to say yes to you. My job is to make

sure you're happy. My job is to create

ease. And then sometimes you can't because

there's boundaries in the world. Like, time exists,

nighttime exists, learning to wipe your bottom

exists. Your teeth. Getting them brushed exists. Going to school

exists. Yes. There's actual boundaries in the world

and if, if we're creating an environment where

my. I communicate on some level, like my job is to make sure you're

happy and not in any sort of emotional pain.

Yeah. Well, there's things that are going to be uncomfortable. Like all kids want to

do is play all day. That's it.

And they can't.

Right. And I remember feeling guilty for making them do things,

you know, like being quiet at church and, and forcing them to

school. And like, I'm so sorry. Like, you know, and, and it was this whole

shift actually, before I knew you, I hired another parenting

coach and she just helped me like

make this shift of. No, no, you're the leader.

You make the rules. You know, this is your family's

expectations and your family's rules. And

you know, they, this is the, this is the, the game. They've got

to play the game. It's okay. Yeah. I love to teach

that. This idea that children, they know

that they're little. Like they know deep down they know that they

are young, that they are not adults. They know this.

They know they don't understand time, they know they don't understand money, they know they

don't how. Know how to drive a car. Like they

instinctively know that they're not in, they're not supposed to be in

charge. And then if they are,

something has gone wrong. It's scary. And when we

give our leadership over to them and over to their emotions, which

a dangerous idea. Right.

But when we like give up our leadership

and that, that role, we think we

might be in service of the child, but we're actually hurting them because

we're creating more anxiety,

more just more like being insecure about whether

they're safe. And so it's funny

that if parents could really understand that

children are looking for leadership, it

makes them feel good. Yeah. Yeah. And then

we won't feel so. Guilt. So much guilt. 100. I was like,

I would cry myself to sleep like every night, just rehashing the day

and how I lost my temper and I was so frustrated and I couldn't stay

calm and I couldn't regulate my emotions because they couldn't regulate theirs. And it

was like this vicious cycle and you know, it was very

uncomfortable of learning how to shift and change and speak

and after, you know, several months. But then once

it became more comfortable and second hand, like, oh my

gosh, it was so beautiful. The difference of

our home, of the peacefulness of the Fighting

amongst them, of the respect of them listening to

me. Because there was a whole phase of they wouldn't listen, you know. Well, they

didn't have any reason. Yeah. Yeah. So just night and

day. I'm. I'm so, so grateful. Yeah. That's what I see in my

practice, too. Like, when you have created a dynamic with the

child, that they are under the impression that they're supposed

to be happy all the time and that you're supposed to make them happy and

that when they're unhappy, it's your job to make them happy again by regulating

them and that they are, you know, not

responsible for figuring out how to manage their emotions, how to deal

with disappointment. That when we start to put boundaries in.

I still teach emotional coaching. Like, I'm going to coach you through that big feeling,

but I'm not going to try to stop it. I'm not going to change that

feeling. I'm not going to change the circumstance so that you can get over your

emotion. My boundary is strong that in the beginning,

and it sounds like it's what you experience it. The behavior will escalate a

bit. Like, they're, like, gonna push harder because,

hey, you're supposed. You usually do this thing for me, and, like, I'm

okay. What do I need to do to get you to do it? And they're

gonna increase that misbehavior and then get.

It's like a wave. It crests. And then they get to the other side and

they're like, oh, this is how it is now. Yes. It gets worse before it

gets better. It really does. Right?

Exactly. It does require a lot of emotional regulation, But I think

sometimes the emotional regulation from us comes from changing that

perspective. Yeah. That it's okay if they're unhappy.

Yeah. Totally. Being like. Like, I can sit

with them in this discomfort. A lot of parents, you know, like, stop crying.

Okay. And I need. Let's. Okay. We'll get you another ice cream. Don't worry about

it. Yeah, exactly. Like, it's just, you know, it's just. And. And also judgment

from, like, if you're in public, you know, judgment from

other parents. And I remember feeling that so heavy. Like,

other people are judging how I'm parenting and how my kids reacting and thinking, you

know, and I'm thinking all these million things where I really should just be focusing

on this child that really needs my support right now, you know? Yeah.

And maybe thinking, my kid's so lucky that they have

big feelings, and I'm, like, allowing those and letting them Work through

them. Like, they're so lucky. Like, in the middle of the target temper

tantrum, the meltdown, it's like, look at how lucky this kid is.

Because we're often thinking like, that something has gone

wrong. And instead it's like, oh, look at.

I'm such a good mom because I let my kid cry a bit. Yeah, this

is healthy, you know, and then I'm not. I'll give you something to cry about.

Like, there's nothing. Right. Judgment of the emotion. It's just an

acceptance of it. Right. It's. It's this here. It's present. It'll pass.

It's sad. I get it. I wanted to ask you because I know you added

recently, like, nanny services to your business model,

and I wanted to ask you a little bit about it because I was thinking

about the guilt piece for this conversation. And

like, how do people feel when they are hiring a

babysitter or getting help in their home?

What do you notice comes up? And obviously it's a.

It can. It's a privileged place to be able to have extra money to

hire. Hire help a little bit. But even if you leave your

baby or your kid with the grandparent or grandparents who are taking

care, if you have to go to work, I think there's just so much weird

guilt that people feel when they leave their child with someone else

for care. I actually have heard some of my clients,

like, doula clients, talk about how their parents

shame them, saying, I never had a doula.

I never needed that. I never had a nanny. We didn't need that.

I. I could handle all this. And it's like, wow,

not helpful. But there's this, you know, there's this

stigma of, like, you know, hiring out. There's two.

It's like hiring out is you need help, and. And

like, that makes you less of a person because you need help. You know, we

all need help. And thinking back when we all grew up in Vil

with generations of grandparents and aunts

and, you know, everyone was around to help out, and we

forget that, like, we are now in a society that's so isolated and it's.

That's not normal. Like, this isn't how it was ever meant to be. We're supposed

to be in communities. We're supposed to be helping each other. Out groups about a

hundred. There's groups about 100. Is what we're. Our species is made for

social primates. Yeah, I love that.

And. And then also of moms,

like, I don't deserve this. You know, I Don't. It's

fine. I'll. You know, it's like this

judgment if they. If they do get the help,

like, it's selfish, you know, if they hire a nanny,

if they're not working, you know, just to, like, go to the

gym or just to do some self care. There's this whole stigma around

how self care is selfish. It is the least selfish

thing. What. What is actually selfish is not doing self care. And then you

blow up at your family all the time because you don't have a break and

you're overstimulated. You know, there's so much

selflessness in being mindful of taking

that break and going, getting a massage, going

to that class that you love. Maybe it's painting, maybe it's pottery, maybe it's

dancing. Whatever it is, like, carving out

that time, maybe hiring a nanny or sitter for that or talking with your partner.

And, you know, and then there's a whole another step of how we need more

date nights because date nights are cheaper than divorce

and hiring nannies and sitters for that because, yeah, it's

expensive, but it's way cheaper than a divorce. So parents

need to be connected. That is the healthiest

foundation for a family, is for kids to see parents that are

connected. But when you're so busy with work and kids and in

home stuff, it gets really, really hard.

You know, my kids have been gone, right, for a month in with their grandparents.

And me and my husband have had all this time to,

like, go out. We've gone grocery shopping together, we cook

together, we've gone to the gym together. It's like we're dating again. And it

is amazing. I have just, like, fallen back

in love with him and just like, oh, my gosh, I, like,

forget how much I actually love you. And without the

stress of the kids of, like, are they in bed? Is the house clean?

The chores? Do they read today? You know, when you take

that out of it and it's just the two of you, it's like, it's so.

So, yeah, I think of, like, lately. So I'm empty

nest now. My kids are 20 and 22, and they've been out of

high school for two. The youngest out of for two years. So I have not

been active parenting for two years. And the first year, I

realized that I spent a lot of time by myself. Spent a

lot of time quiet, painted. I did a lot of puzzles.

I was, like, in a zone. I was in a zone.

And when I came out of that period of time, I

recognized That I had been in a chronic

state of activated nervous system, a chronic

state of stress for 20 years

raising kids. And even though I did

take really good care of myself, it just is a tax on us.

Thinking about humans. Are they okay? What do they need? What's going

on, being present, being available.

And we do need breaks from stressors.

So we have the stressful situation and then we have periods of time where

we're not in it and that is where we reset our nervous system. So if

you are constantly with your children or at work,

like if that's the two spaces and those are both demanding,

when do you reset that nervous system? When do you bring that cortisol back

down and you can't do it?

Well, you can do it, but not really when you're with your children.

When you're in the thing that is

stressful, it's very hard to decrease

the stress while you're experiencing it. You're just kind of

managing the load, right? You're just kind of managing that load. And

so having those breaks literally like

B R A K E like a break in

like so that you can stop and not

active, keep staying activated and in that stress. So yeah,

having a month is amazing, but having a couple of hours is also amazing

with your partner alone, whatever it is. We kind of need that.

Yes. In order to vital. Yeah. Break

once a week, you know what I mean? Just on their own with their partner.

But even on your own, you know. Yeah. I was thinking

when I, I used to do a lot of stand up paddle boarding. You know

we live in Los Angeles area so we live near the ocean and

I haven't had the desire to do that for the last few years.

I'm not drawn to it. It sounds hard. I don't want to put my board

on my car, I don't want to drive over there. I don't carry it. It

all sounds like heavy and hard and I like well who, who

was I that I used to do that all the time. And yeah,

it's because I desperately needed

this period of time where I was unavailable.

Like out in the ocean, nobody can, I can't.

I cannot be accessed. Like my, I'm not on my phone,

I'm not available. I would, I would just be like outside of

time and space and this friend we went with all the

time, she's a yogi and it just,

I, I don't need that anymore because I'm not in

chronic stress. I can get that experience

whenever I want like you know, outside of my job and

I just want to normalize that for moms. Like, when you're in it, you

are in it. It is attacks. It is a

stress load. You are carrying heavy,

and you're gonna need to put that down in order to be

able to pick it up again. And that's, like, how it is. You guys. Put

it down, pick it up. Yeah. And what a beautiful thing that you have

now that gives us all hope

that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that our nervous system

will be regulated soon. One day, like motherhood

ends. It's a period of time. It's a season of

your life. I'm still a mom to my two

children and have a relationship

with them and what that looks like individually and how they

rely on me and all of that. I'm still very present in

their life, but I'm not in the act. Active

role of mothering. Yeah. Anymore. And I'm not in

the season of motherhood. This season, someone

asked me on a podcast. They're like, what is. What are you calling it? I'm

like, darlin hood. I don't know.

Me, me, hood, me, season, Like. But I just find,

like, I'm going back to myself, my preference, whoever I was before

and how this has changed me, and it's a new opportunity for discovery. But,

yeah, I'm not stressed. Yeah, it's great.

Yeah. I don't have to think about what anybody's eating ever.

Right. Amazing. Amazing. I

look forward to that one day of, like, what do I

actually want to do today? You know, not, like, what does

work need me to do? What are my clients need? What am my children? What

does my family need? But, you know, one day

I'm gonna be like, what do I feel like doing today?

So, yes, there's lots of hope for all the moms listening, but

enjoy it while you're in it. Take breaks, as we're saying. And not to

feel so guilty when you need breaks.

It's not your job. If your kids are in pain. It's not because you've done

anything wrong. Like, you just drop all the guilt and all the judgment.

Do you ever. Because I feel like later, you know, I'm gonna be like,

oh, there's those moms that, like, miss it so

much. They miss the little. You know what I mean? They're just like,

what I would give to go back to that. And they're always telling us young

moms, like, cherish every second, but we're

all in it, you know, we're like, we're not cherishing Every second.

Like, there's some really hard seconds. Yeah. You know,

I do not, I do not. I don't, I don't miss

it. I miss parts of my people being

little. I miss, like,

their body and, you know, their, their smell and,

like, bedtime. And I, I, I miss

the closeness of it and the sweetness and the, in the

naivete that they had that they brought the childlike

things. But yeah, I wouldn't go back. It was so

tiring. It's so exhausting. I, I have not, I do not have rose

colored glasses about it. Probably because I spend every day talking to moms. Like,

I'm in it all the time still. Because I'm thinking, true. My

mom will be like, oh, my gosh, raising you guys was the best. It

was like, it was, it was the best years of my life, you know, and

would speak so highly. And I was like, this is really hard,

though. Yeah. I do think it's the best years of my life

up until now because it was very deeply

satisfying. And relationally, you have so

much purpose and meaning in raising children.

And it's like a life work. It feels really good and it's

hard. I've been grieving the end of it as I've

retired from that role and filling the time

or understanding how I want to spend my time, that it is confusing

to spend so long doing one thing and then not needing to do it

anymore. Yeah. Missing the closeness.

But I, I do find that very hard for women to hear.

Like, savor it. And I know why women say that

to each other, because there is something that will

be lost when they're grown. But that is the nature

of growth. Yeah. Right. There's always an end. I don't

know. It's all okay. Yeah. It's so true.

Well, thanks for being on the podcast. You're so welcome. Thank you

for asking. Yeah, I knew we'd have a good conversation.

Yeah. I met you a couple of years ago and I knew I

was like, this lady. Very good lady.

Very good lady. Same. I felt the same. Yeah. Well, I'm

glad, like, what you're doing in the world is so important, so we all appreciate

it. So are you. So, like, your industry

changed my whole parenting life and perspective. So,

so grateful for women like you. Yeah. Us moms need it

so bad. There was no handbook, you know?

All right, thank you.