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Everyone Had an Opinion But Nobody Changed Their Mind
Episode 1912th May 2026 • Stories on Facilitating Software Architecture & Design • Virtual Domain-Driven Design
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We've all been in that meeting. Someone proposes a solution, someone else proposes a different one, and within minutes the room has split into camps. People stop listening and start waiting for their turn to argue. Whatever decision comes out feels less like a conclusion and more like whoever had the most stamina won.

Laïla Bougria has spent over two decades in software engineering, much of it working in messaging and event-driven systems at Particular Software. Her story isn't a single incident — it's a pattern she's seen repeat across teams, companies, and years: smart people in a room, a decision to make, and a conversation that quickly becomes "my opinion versus yours." At Particular, Laïla learned to break this cycle through an RFC process that forces a different question before solutions are even compared: what problem are we solving, and for whom? That reframing removes a surprising amount of conflict before it starts. But what happens when two teams share a decision and neither is technically wrong? Or when you're convinced something is a mistake, and the team moves on without you?

This conversation digs into the emotional weight of architectural decisions — the gut reactions we dress up as rational analysis, the perfectionism that makes letting go feel like losing, and the personal practices that help you stay honest with yourself over time. Laïla shares how she builds evidence instead of winning arguments, why she runs personal retrospectives every six to twelve weeks, and what it taught her when she gathered evidence against a decision and found… nothing.

Key Discussion Points

  • [00:01] The Pattern That Keeps Repeating: Smart people in a room, comparing solutions before they've agreed on the problem — and why it turns personal fast
  • [00:04] Problem Before Solutions: How Particular Software's RFC process reframes decisions by requiring a shared problem statement before alternatives are discussed
  • [00:06] "That's a Horrible Idea": Turning gut reactions into constructive questions about hidden assumptions and risks
  • [00:09] When Two Teams Share a Decision: Navigating the give-and-take of event granularity between teams, and using coupling arguments that land because they serve both sides
  • [00:14] Boundaries as Everyone's Job: Why service boundaries shouldn't be a few people's problem and how curiosity about the business domain surfaces issues early
  • [00:18] Building Evidence, Not Arguments: The story of tracking bugs to prove a hunch right — and the equally important story of tracking evidence and finding none
  • [00:25] Personal Retrospectives: A quarterly practice for resolving frustration, testing your instincts against reality, and genuinely letting go

Guest: Laïla Bougria Hosts: Andrew Harmel-Law, Kenny Schwegler, Andrea Magnorsky

Transcripts

Speaker:

Andrew Harmel-Law: So welcome back

to another edition of facilitating

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software architecture and design.

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That's what I've decided

to call it this week.

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the usual people are here again.

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So it's me, Andrew Harma Law,

and I'm joined by my usual

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co-conspirators, Kenny and Andrea.

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And today we've got Layla with us who

is gonna quickly introduce yourself,

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I think, and then share some stories

with us around about the topic of

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facilitating and collaborating on

software architecture and design.

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Take it away later.

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Laila Bougria: Thank you Thank you for

having me So yes my name's Layla I'm a

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software architect and engineer I work for

a company called Particular Software where

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we build in-service bus So I'm basically

very active in the messaging space that's

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also been my specialty for I don't even

know how long anymore A while over a

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decade at this point Uh I've been in the

software engineering industry for probably

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two decades at this point Maybe I should

stop sharing now but No it's uh it's been

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a fun ride Uh I've been active mostly

in the T net ecosystem and yeah I talk

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it Conferences now and then to share a

little bit of knowledge and also run some

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workshops on event different architectures

and things like that So that's me

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Andrew Harmel-Law: And do you wanna

share one of the, like one of the,

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the idea behind the podcast, I think

Kenny explained it right, is like share

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stories about when things got a bit

complicated and then we ask you some.

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Super interesting.

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Well, hopefully interesting questions,

but have you got any stories that you

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wanted to particularly share with us?

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Laila Bougria: Right So I was reflecting

about this a little bit and and thinking

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about okay which story could I tell And

I did reflect back on on something that

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happened but as I was thinking about it

it it definitely wasn't a single A single

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incident like that I think it's a sort

of a pattern that has been happening year

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over year over year in many different

environments in many different teams But

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the whole idea is basically regarding

when you get a lot of people in the room

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especially when there's a lot of smart

people in the room And we have to make a

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decision Either it's a design decision or

an architectural decision It doesn't even

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matter there's a tendency to immediately

sort of start comparing possible solutions

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against each other And that can in my

opinion cause a lot of friction because

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then it's Becomes very quickly my opinion

versus that of a coworker versus that

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of another coworker And then I've also

seen that you know people tend to become

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very protective of their own ideas And

and then it becomes this sort of back and

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forth when I don't really think that's a

productive way to think about The possible

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ways forward and how to go about that So

as part of working at particular actually

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we have a completely different way of

going about these things And it has even

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though because we basically have a an a

different process to go about decision

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making but that has influenced how I

think even if it's you know standing

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on your feet type of a discussion and

also how I facilitate these types of

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of meetings and It's still not easy

but I feel like it has given a lot of

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positive steps forward so that's in short

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Andrew Harmel-Law: Do you wanna,

could you maybe explain a little

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bit, describe the approach?

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'cause you're, I definitely

understand, can and relate to

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that kind of, everyone rapidly.

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Andrea sees this all the time, you,

that's very recognizable, right?

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The one where everyone picks a,

picks a spot and then just fights

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against everyone else from their spot.

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But do you wanna maybe describe a

little bit about how the alternative

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or an alternative could work?

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Laila Bougria: Right

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Andrew Harmel-Law: interesting.

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Laila Bougria: So actually the the thought

process or the basis for my thought

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process comes actually from our RFC

process So the whole idea is that when

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we make bigger decisions that are more

impactful we write an RFC for it And the

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whole idea is that we present multiple

alternatives and for each alternatives we

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will list what are the assumptions that

we make In this specific scenario what

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are the risks involved for this specific

scenario and also very actually before

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we get into alternatives describe what is

a problem that we're trying to solve and

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for whom are we solving this problem So

which stakeholder need are we addressing

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by solving this problem Which I think

gets rid of a lot of friction to begin

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with because most of the time there seems

to be a lot of misalignment around The

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problem that we're trying to solve to

begin with So figuring that part out is

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usually really helpful And the earlier

we can get to that the better but when it

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comes to sort of having these discussions

around you know alternatives it's more

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I think putting yourselves in a position

that there is no right or wrong proposal

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And I think specifically it's important

to not start comparing prematurely

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Kenny Schwegler: I think I always say

when when you get to good and bad then

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you're your your first Step towards a

conflict bruise right Because you're

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saying something is bad and something

is wrong I sometimes try to specifically

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come up with bad examples or probably

examples that have high risk just to

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find out what's what what it is that we

do want But I'm always to see how people

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react to that Very very resistant Right

Do do you see that sometimes happening

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still right Because we can make it

rational and on paper but as soon as it

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already has like this thing in their mind

like no this is the only way to do it

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Laila Bougria: Yes

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Kenny Schwegler: could deal with fact

how would you get them to unlock and

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see the other possibilities in that way

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Laila Bougria: That's a good question So

first of all I sometimes feel that too

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Like if someone brings up an alternative

and I'm like oh no that's a horrible idea

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But one of the things I've learned is

when I get that feeling This is a horrible

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idea is I think my younger innocent self

would've just said it That's a horrible

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idea And now I think like okay wait why

do I think that this is a horrible idea

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Because it it sometimes it almost feel

like feels like this gut reaction right

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It's a horrible idea And I always try

to think about okay What assumptions

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may this person be making that are not

being clarified that may be false or

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what risks do I see in this solution And

then I think that if you just shift your

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mindset from this is a horrible idea

to okay what are the hidden assumptions

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here Or what are the risks Then I think

you're having a much more constructive

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Conversation to begin with because it's

not well that's a horrible idea which

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can feel like very almost like a personal

attack to the other person So it gets you

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immediately out of the conflict mode So

it becomes a conversation about oh I yeah

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I can see that idea I Could it be that

you're making this or that assumption

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and then you start to have a completely

different conversation but Kenny there

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was another part to your question too

is like if someone has this type of a

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resistance like how would I react to that

And I think part of it I've al already

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answered is by acknowledging That every

idea has a place and to rather rephrase

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that as to okay and ask that person why

are you feeling so resistant to this idea

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Are you seeing some assumptions that are

being made that you think are false Do

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you see any risks that we haven't thought

of yet or that need to be surfaced And

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I think that immediately deescalates

because it takes it away from you have a

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horrible idea to okay there are some real

gaps in in this proposal that we need to

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address And I think always bringing it

back to what is it that we're having a

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disagreement about that is you know about

the idea about the implementation about a

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solution instead of having a disagreement

with another person Immediately

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deescalates the situation in my opinion

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Kenny Schwegler: Nice Yeah So to to

follow up So Something that's in my mind

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a lot because you work a lot with message

driven systems there's all usually I

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am I'm with two teams or with several

teams and they need to communicate

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with each other and that that can be

like okay here are my events Good luck

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Laila Bougria: Mm-hmm

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Kenny Schwegler: like no but I Consumer

and I just want I just want one event

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So like a summary event for instance

Right And and there's this whole power

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play and there's not even a right

or wrong decision because you could

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use a summary event or you can just

say just give me all your events And

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and so how do you deal with these I

I can imagine in with your expertise

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that you get into this A lot of these

Conversation Right And it's two teams

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against one another by default because

one like you build it and the other

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team is like no here's just my event So

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Laila Bougria: Yes

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Kenny Schwegler: you probably face

this situation So that's question

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one And and what then Right Because

there's no right or wrong there

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Laila Bougria: Right

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Kenny Schwegler: it's how I see it

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Laila Bougria: So I always see these

types of collaborations as a game of give

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and take So what I will try to do is for

example let's say we are in this case of

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a of a sort of event that is much more

granular versus an event that is a summary

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event And that makes it a bit more easier

is I for me that's already Possibly in

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some cases kind of a smell in terms of

surface boundaries so I will try to have

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that conversation that way and try to find

an incentive for the other team because of

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course it's totally understandable right

Every team has their own deadlines they

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have their own backlogs So I understand

when there's resistance from another

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team to do something that is you know for

the benefit of another team because it's

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Basically cutting into their own let's say

time budget so to speak So I think first

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of all acknowledging that and not seeing

again something as a personal attack

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It's more like well put yourself in that

team's position They probably have their

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own deadlines they probably have their

own backlog and by just considering that

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it Already deescalates because we can all

sort of find ourselves in that situation

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and we've all sort of been there before

So that creates a level of understanding

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But another thing I will try to do is

then to look at that and try to raise

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my concerns So what are the concerns

that I have around for example consuming

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a more granular event That we're just

gonna have to handle many more events

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and I don't really care about consuming

all of that Or is it because there are

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concerns around some things that may for

example introduce some type of coupling

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for example let's say as an example I use

a lot Let's say that you have some credit

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card service right And it's emitting all

of these transactions that are happening

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on the service but there's another service

that just Wants to know I want to know at

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the end of the month how much was spent

on the credit card right And then you

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could have this team saying yeah but you

already have access to all of these events

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on the card so why do I need to create

the summary event for you Well then you

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could say well the problem is that now I

have to understand what a period means to

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you That's something that is actually a

concern of your service And I don't want

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to duplicate that type of logic into my

service because that would create coupling

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between us And I'm sure you wouldn't want

me to copy that type of logic because then

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if it changes I would have to change it

too And then we become tightly coupled

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to each other and then we get other types

of messes right So it's it's also about

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having those types of conversations of It

might take a little bit more work now but

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it's going to protect your independence

or your autonomy in the longer term So I

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always try to find these types of angles

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Andrew Harmel-Law: so, I think that's

super interesting, Layla, because,

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I think sometimes teams don't,

they're not aware of that, right?

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They kind of just, they're not aware,

like somebody else worries about the

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boundaries between them and the other

team and, and typically someone else

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also worries about how long it'll take

another team to do the work versus how

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long it'll take you to do the work.

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And I think That's super interesting

'cause that's stuff that's is

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usually someone else's problem.

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Right.

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But, but in the cases that you've

described, you're trying to bring that,

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at least make them aware of that, which I

think is really interesting 'cause it's.

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Andrea Magnorsky: we're trying to aim

towards autonomous teams, then considering

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your boundaries as part of your day to

day needs to be, something, an activity.

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And actually, this is where I was

gonna ask you, Layla, like how

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do you help teams to, 'cause you

said, oh, it could be a symptom of.

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Not greatly defined boundaries.

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And let's face it, that's probably

happening like all the time.

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Right?

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And sometimes you can't do anything

about it, but sometimes there is

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some wiggle room to, because they

realize that teams are moving slower

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because they're lacking the autonomy.

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And so when you do have to do boundary

work, how does that work for you?

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Like what, what kind of

activities do you do?

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And also, how do you find it?

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'cause you, you talked about like,

well sometimes feelings give you, like

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the, not just the personal problems,

which there definitely would be because

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you have the power plants, but the

technical side effects of those bank.

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Please.

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Laila Bougria: Right Um absolutely So

first I want to just say that I was

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thinking exactly the same thing as what

you said is I think service boundaries

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shouldn't be a few people's problem I

think that's something that is owned by

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the entire team and all of the teams that

are basically collaborating with each

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other because the more people understand

those boundaries I think the more likely

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it is that we surface those problems

earlier and otherwise it becomes this

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thing that you don't care about and

then you would be less likely to push

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back to consuming a granular event for

example and then creating this sort of

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coupling So I just wanted to um add to

that But yeah when when it comes to Sort

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of doing that service boundary work I

I've always and this is something that

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is not something I've learned due to sort

of building event-driven systems but I

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think it just comes from my own personal

curiosity I've always wanted to understand

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the business I've always had really hard

time to actually write code if I don't

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understand what the purpose of that Thing

is I it's just something that for me did

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not compute And honestly I felt like in

the like especially in my junior years as

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if I was doing something wrong because I

I felt unable to just well here are the

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requirements Leila just build it And I'm

like but but but I have so many questions

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and I don't understand this And how does

that work And why do we do this And and

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I felt like really annoying and it took

years for me to realize that that was a

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strength and not a weakness but Yeah I

think that's that's one of the parts is

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that to continuously ask questions as to

why are things connected to each other

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there's a lot of work that goes into

understanding these types of boundaries I

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try to do that work early but it's also A

continuous job it never really ends right

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Every time something changes you almost

have to re-question those things to make

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sure you didn't miss something earlier

or if something changed And this is where

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things get tricky because especially if

it takes you a lot of effort to define

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service boundaries then people are like we

got them We will never touch these again

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And reality It does not reflect that right

It's just that's not really how it works

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one thing I tend to do is first of all if

we can have these conversations that at

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least surface these maybe imperfections

or full out wrong decisions in terms

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of our surface boundaries Sometimes we

can't immediately fix them because again

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multiple teams are involved and it's also

not easy because some DA data might need

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to be migrated and things like that It

can become quite complex and sometimes

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the only thing we can do is work around

it But I think for for me it's always

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been really important to surface it to

document it and to keep track of all of

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the friction that we encounter because

the surface boundaries are off Because

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in many cases what I found is That there

may be an agreement within the team that

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service boundaries are off but for not

getting the budget to make those changes

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for example and then collecting evidence

of what type of friction those errors or

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in in the service boundaries are causing

us can basically act as better evidence to

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have the discussion of okay now we really

need to prioritize that work Because this

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bug or this discussion or this feature or

this coupling has been causing us issues

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and then that makes it much easier to sort

of have that discussion So yeah I I build

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evidence That's one of the things I do

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Kenny Schwegler: One thing I

see and I I feel having myself

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as well is perfectionism is the

enemy of design and architecture

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Laila Bougria: Mm-hmm

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Kenny Schwegler: try to come with and

we try to come with reason even though

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we have our own personal opinion Of

course you think of a moment in the

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past where you're like this needs to

be this needs to be this way But budget

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teams other people thought differently

so you went with another decision

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and that's sort of like a loss for

your for yourself I feel It's a loss

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Laila Bougria: Yes

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Kenny Schwegler: with that Can you

tell something about that Because

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I think that's the most common

thing that that well at least

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I I deal with right Letting go

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Laila Bougria: Yes actually I can think

of two situations to be honest And one

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of them I was actually working at a bank

for which I worked for five years And we

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basically built a system that replaced a

mainframe To to say it in like a single

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sentence right So it's an entire banking

system and I remember that there was a

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piece of code that I could just look at it

from a distance and I'm like this is going

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to be trouble But then you know the rest

of the team was like but we already have

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the tests and this is already done And And

I'm like I could really see trouble And

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they were like yeah but no but we have to

move on And and and and I was like okay

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so move on And this is where I this is

an example of where I kept evidence So

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every time a bug came in that was related

to that It was just being fixed Oh we're

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gonna fix this scenario and now we're

gonna fix that scenario Now we're gonna

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fix that scenario And I just kept track

of every time a bug came in and I just

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didn't intermingle I was like okay it's

fixed Fine And at some point I think we

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were at I don't know like almost 10 ish

bugs I just raised it and I said okay look

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I don't wanna be like and I I I tried to

in those cases not use the I told you so

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card Because that just doesn't really help

in terms of your relationships But just

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to kind of raise it as look I I thought

we would have some problems there and

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I've been seeing that we are seeing a lot

of bugs come in into this sort of area

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and I've collected them I really think we

need to rethink this thing and see how we

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can adjust it And I think by presenting

it that way it enabled Me to convince

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the rest of the team to actually make

room for that And that's when we actually

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refactored the whole thing And from there

it was mostly bug free So that was one

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scenario Kenny but actually I also have

a completely different scenario where I

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was like yeah this is this is wrong I'm

sure this is wrong And I was had to let

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it go but internally hadn't really let

it go And it was like something that was

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frustrating me So I was kind of doing

the same thing of okay let me gather

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evidence around this And after a while I

saw there is no evidence which I think is

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an equally good exercise because it was

proof to myself that I was wrong which

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is fine But but basically a reminder that

you know even when we feel very strongly

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or think very strongly about something

it's a kind of like this humbling

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exercise of you're not always right

which I think is necessary for everyone

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Kenny Schwegler: I like that especially

because as architects you do a lot based

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on heuristics right On things that worked

in the past So I like the evidence I I

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like that as a heuristic So also I Be be

evidence towards the wrongness because

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sometimes you need to take a decision in

a moment based on like gut feeling maybe

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which we call heuristics but it's great

that keeping evidence and see if you're

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right or wrong That's I I like that Yeah

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Laila Bougria: Yeah it's actually a

technique I use in many different areas

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even let's say with like let's say

processes that you have in an organization

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that you believe have friction right

Sometimes it can be like oh very

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frustrating and you want to go and change

it immediately and you can Because it's

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someone else's job Then sometimes also

it's also the distance that it gives you

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right Because that's actually I would say

my technique of letting go it's like I

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don't feel like I'm entirely letting go

because I'm keeping track but it does give

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me a lot of distance and after a while

it gives me um sort of evidence either

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for or Against myself but that gives me a

good insight into hmm what did I get wrong

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or what could have gone differently here

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Andrea Magnorsky: I just kind of think

it's, uh, I looked at two examples that

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are superimposed and I think it takes

wisdom to acknowledge and, and, and kind

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of have the level of introspection to

first build those processes for yourself.

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And also then to acknowledge

other people's processes, but

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also to just go like, okay, there.

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You know, this works and I might not

like it, which is different from, it

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doesn't work, and in fact, it might

work better than I could have done

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because I'm not having that problem.

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Laila Bougria: Yes exactly

Yeah I I think it's um

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Andrea Magnorsky: I.

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Laila Bougria: That's that's for me

a good way to learn because sometimes

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we can have resistance about something

but if after a while and I think that's

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where the distance is really essential

because we always say that people cannot

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not be emotional right We are emotional

beings so sometimes we'll get upset

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about something We feel strongly we're

motivated we're passionate whatever And

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that can sometimes lead to a situation in

which we push too hard right So by also

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by having that distance and waiting and

seeing how things are gonna evolve we can

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also sort of learn of yeah like you said

Andrea I I got it totally wrong And what

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can I learn from this To improve myself

and I think that has been definitely an

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eye-opener a humbling one sometimes which

is also a good thing right It's like

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Andrea Magnorsky: Nothing like that.

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They just slapping you

right in your face, like

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Laila Bougria: yes

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Kenny Schwegler: But I think that's the

tension right I think most architects

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or most people are like we need to make

a rational trade off process Yes And

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there's emotions and past feelings and

we're dealing with complexity So we

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actually don't know what's gonna happen

and what's the right decision now because

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as as my dear friend says if we are

clairvoyant it would all be very much easy

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architecture We don't need to do it But

we're not clairvoyant unfortunately So

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there's this lot of emotions past things

happening and they're there And I what

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I like about what you are just saying is

at least have a process to continuously

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recheck yourself against what's happening

now And turn don't don't step into the

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socalled fallacy And I think if teams

actually do that By default as a team

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we would be making very better decisions

or architecture that adapt I guess

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Laila Bougria: Right So talking about

processes to kind of close the loop on

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this I actually have a process For myself

of having like quarterly retrospectives

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and I have these notes of things like

these that I've been keeping track of so

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let's say that in the meantime I use it

as a data point collection type of thing

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I don't spend brain cycles thinking about

it I just note it down and then every

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six weeks 12 weeks whatever works best

for you I just go through the list and

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every time there's something I can just

throw off the list like in the sense of

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Hmm either I don't feel as strongly about

this anymore I just I changed my mind

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over time Or it could be like I thought

there was a problem here It doesn't look

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like there is a problem here and then

it allows me to move on But by circling

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back to it you're basically kind of also

resolving your personal feelings around

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it and really letting go So yeah that's

my advice to anyone who's listening to

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have some kind of a process like that

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Andrea Magnorsky: That's beautiful.

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Also, it allows you to learn

where, where were you wrong?

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So it's like not only you can let it

go and go, like, actually that was

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probably a, a false positive or a.

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The opposite, but, but you are able

to kinda, sometimes you might be able

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to go like, actually I was looking

for type of bugs, X, Y, Z, whatever.

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It's, and then that didn't happen, or

it happened in a different way, but

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you're like, oh, what is the signal?

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And then you can close, close it.

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So it's like, not only can you drop it,

but also you cana Activate the learning

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and, and kind of you even have notes

about it is great 'cause you could

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Laila Bougria: Yes

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Andrea Magnorsky: that,

that you did ages ago.

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Very

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Laila Bougria: Yes Yeah absolutely Yeah I

call them personal retrospectives I mean

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we too we tend to do retrospectives in

group but I find them very very helpful on

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a personal level as well Like what was I

frustrated about six months ago And then

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you look back to it and you're like ah Is

that what I was frustrated about really

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So things like that can really it

lightens things up and it allows closure

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of of things that otherwise the last

thing you remember about something

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is that frustration and this kind of

mitigates that it provides this sort

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of checking point with yourself of

like oh it's like it was actually not

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that bad or something like that So

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Kenny Schwegler: And we all have

that And if people think oh I don't

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have that Think the last time that

that you're hungry right And you eat

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maybe a little bit too much and then

in retrospect you're like nah have

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done that I shouldn't have stuffed

my face with that And I guess that's

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with certain decisions as well being

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Laila Bougria: Yeah

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Kenny Schwegler: about decision but

later on you're like eh was just an

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emotion or a certain other thing So

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Laila Bougria: Actually I find that

in architecture we see this all the

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time because like you said a lot of

architects sometimes also make decisions

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based on gut or heuristics like you said

but those heuristics are usually like

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emotional So if something didn't work in

an environment it doesn't mean that it

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won't work in this environment So Again

like all of the the context is completely

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different and and by doing this sort of

retrospective you can sort of think about

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okay why didn't this work in a specific

scenario And that then allows you to

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sort of not completely rule it out in

the future in a different environment

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Kenny Schwegler: Yeah it's the same

Like if I go to my school here I take

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the bike but I shouldn't do that in

many other countries Uh when I was

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a child Context changes a lot So uh

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Laila Bougria: Yes

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Kenny Schwegler: Thanks Thanks for your

stories and thanks for being on the show

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Laila Bougria: Thank you for having me.

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Kenny Schwegler: listening Yeah And for

people who listening like subscribe I need

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to say this spread the word Hopefully this

would very helpful to you um good thing

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to know we'll be all at DDD Europe so

talk to us about these stories You have

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your own stories we would like to know

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Andrea Magnorsky: Cool.

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Kenny Schwegler: see you soon

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Andrea Magnorsky: Thank you.

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Bye-bye.

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