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Can Faking It Until You Make It Help You Achieve in Life - The Demartini Show
Episode 1445th August 2022 • The Demartini Show • Dr John Demartini
00:00:00 00:34:26

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You probably heard the cliche 'fake it till you make it' in the achievement world. Is this really a wise choice? So many people are setting up fantasies instead of true goals, and then they wonder why they're having anxieties and fears and why they feel like they have to fake it. Join Dr Demartini where he'll bust this myth and explain more about human behavior and setting goals to help you achieve even more.

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Transcripts

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The false perfectionism taught by moral hypocrisies about you're trying to be

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one sided, and then thinking, 'Well, I'm not perfect yet, no,

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one's perfect.' That's because they have a false idea of what perfect is.

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When I was in professional school, I watched

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individuals try to do that.

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They would kind of act as if they were, you know,

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they'd play out the role in advance.

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Now I'm not against role playing and preparing and practicing and I think

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there's wisdom in that.

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But to exaggerate or fake and have some sort of an

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imposter dynamic. My experience is that it, it backfires.

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It eventually leads to people discovering that and realizing you had

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exaggerated. I always say that any time you exaggerate yourself,

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you attract humbling circumstances to get you back into authenticity.

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Just like any time you minimize yourself,

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you attract supporting mechanisms to get you back into authenticity.

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I think that every event in life is trying to get you authentic.

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And if you just be authentic, you have the least amount of resistance,

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least amount of feedback you have to deal with.

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Each individual can use their subtle physiology and

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psychology to assist them in providing feedback to get them authentic.

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And if they are not able to do that,

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they automatically have social political and theological religious, you

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might say constraints,

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put on them to eventually get back to fair exchange and authenticity.

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Authenticity means sustainable fair exchange, believe it or not.

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Let's elaborate on that and talk about what is fake and what's not fake.

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If you puff yourself up and exaggerate yourself relative to another individual

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and kind of narcissistically project your values onto them and expect them to

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live in your values, which most of us have done,

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you end up getting resistance and critique

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to bring you back down, pride before the fall, and resistance.

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And that is not a mistake. That's not some sort of a mean behavior.

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It's just a feedback to let you know that you're exaggerating yourself and out

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of equilibrium with the individual you're with.

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And so by projecting that on and expecting them to live in your values,

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you have futility. They're not going to live in your values.

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Anybody in relationships figure this out, hopefully by, you know,

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by the time they've had a few relationships. So anytime

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which is not you,

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and exaggerate and puff yourself up and kind of put on a fake facade,

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a persona, a mask, you attract humbling circumstances,

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in some cases tragedies if you get way up there and get really invincible and

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arrogant, attract a tragic event, in order to get you back in equilibrium,

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or at least distractions or challenges in your life to get you back in

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equilibrium. I really believe that the physiology, psychology,

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sociology and even theology, is trying to get us back to authenticity.

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And anytime we do that and narcissistically project

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to live in our values, we get futility, we get resistance,

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we get criticism back. And we eventually learn that doesn't work.

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It's a feedback system. And then if we minimize ourselves,

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imagine on ourselves minimizing ourselves in relationship or in business.

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If we do that to our staff, they end up having sort of chaos.

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If you do that to your customer and you sacrifice for your customer,

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you end up realizing that, hey, there's no profit margin. And eventually say,

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I deserve better than that.

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And you eventually try to get yourself to live in other people's values

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and try to please people all the time. And that's not going to work.

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Sacrificing for others is not where it's at, serving others is.

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So nature, and your physiology, psychology, sociology,

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theology around you is, in your business, is trying to get you authentic,

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is trying to get you an equilibrium. And so putting on a facade,

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backfires. Learning,

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when the nature of your existence is basically attempting to be authentic and

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be inspired by your life, just know anytime you're not doing that,

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you're going to get feedback. Now,

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you might fool some of the people some of the time, temporarily,

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but eventually backfires.

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I've seen people put on a facade and make up a story and eventually get nailed

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by it. And that's just not in the long run, the best brand builder.

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So anytime you're in now equilibrium where you're seeing that the seer,

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the seeing, the seen, them are all the same,

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where you're not looking down on people or looking up at people,

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you're not careless or careful, but you're caring,

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which keeps the rings on the fingers if you're in relationship.

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When you do that, you're not sacrificing them,

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you're not getting them to sacrifice for you,

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you're serving them and yourself at the same time,

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because you're communicating what you want in terms of what they want. Now,

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that's not going to occur,

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that mastery and that authenticity, which I think we all want,

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we all want to be loved and appreciated for who we are,

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but that state is not going to occur unless we know what we really value.

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Now I'm going to go off on a tangent here,

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and you might want to take a note because every human being,

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this individual and this individual, and that could be a spouse,

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that could be a child, it could be an employee, an executive, a customer,

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a friend out there, they all live moment by moment,

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by a set of priorities, a set of values, that they run their life by.

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And these priorities are unique to them, they're fingerprint specific.

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And they're determining how they perceive, decide, and act. You know, I have,

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in my hierarchy of values, teaching's pretty high up there, it's the top.

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So you can rely on me to be teaching.

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Anytime you expect somebody to do something that's not

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you're going to probably be betrayed.

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It's not because they're actually really betraying you,

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it's because you have an unrealistic expectation for

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not. Their ontological identity revolves around what they value.

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And so does yours. And you want to be loved for that.

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And they want to be loved for that. And so they're reliable to do that.

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You can rely on me to be teaching, researching, and writing,

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but you can't rely on me to do other things. You know,

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you can't rely on me to be cooking, that's not going to happen,

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or driving a car or, almost anything else, but teach, research and write.

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So anytime you meet another individual, if you don't know what they value,

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you don't know what you value,

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you don't know your hierarchy of values and their hierarchy of values, you're

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probably going to have an unrealistic expectation on them to live in your

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values, if you look down on them,

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or you're probably going to have an unrealistic expectation to live in their

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values, if you look up at them.

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Think about the times when you've been highly infatuated with somebody and you

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sacrificed things that were important to you to be with them, temporarily,

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until eventually you said, well, I want my life back,

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you start resenting them and start going, Hey, I want my life back,

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I want to be able to be me.

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And other times when you've been so resentful to somebody

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and go, well, look, my way or the highway, babe.

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And both of those are ineffective communication mechanisms. And by the way,

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if you don't communicate in sustainable fair exchange manners,

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you create gestural communication and eventually violence.

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And violence is a byproduct of not knowing how to communicate effectively.

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And the way you communicate effectively is to care enough about another

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individual to communicate what you value at the highest of your values in terms

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of what's highest in theirs. When you do, both people feel fulfilled.

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They both feel loved for who they are.

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They both want to be engaged with somebody that's doing that.

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And there's no imposter. There's no faking it till you make it. So to me,

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that's the most efficient and effective pathway. Fermat,

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who's a mathematician's idea,

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he said light is the most efficient system,

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it always follows the most efficient path, the shortest route you might say.

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And Maupertuis said that all actions are, and reactions are most efficient.

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And Mach said the same thing, many great scientists knew this.

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So the moment we're authentic, we're most efficient.

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The moment we live by highest priority, which is highest value,

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which is our identity, we're most efficient. And

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and because we're most ourselves, authentic, we're most objective,

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we're less likely to look down or up on people.

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Because when we're not living by what's highest in our values,

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not living by priority, we get the blood, glucose, and oxygen into the,

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not the forebrain, but down in the subcortical amygdala area.

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And the amygdala is basically wanting to avoid pain and seek pleasure,

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avoid predator, seek prey.

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And in order to seek a prey and avoid a predator,

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it has to subjectively bias, false positives, false negatives,

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subjective confirmation bias, and disconfirmation bias, it's reality,

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and distorts reality. So when all of a sudden,

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if it's basically going after something, it has to, you know,

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accelerate the desire for it, with an impulse.

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And if it's going to avoid something,

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it has to accelerate the away movement in which is an instinct.

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And that means that they, you have to have a,

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an exaggeration of your own perception relative to the thing you look up at or

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down on. If you look up at it,

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you got to imagine it being really up there and you got to chase it.

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And that's why you see people that are infatuated with people chasing them and

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fearing the loss of them and being jealous.

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And people that resenting them avoiding them and not being jealous.

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And these are responses, and they're feedbacks.

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And almost all the symptoms in our life physiologically, psychologically,

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business wise, every area of our life,

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is nothing but a feedback system to guide us back to authenticity.

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So I don't think that faking it till you make it is really the smartest thing.

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I think the magnificence of who you are is far greater than any fantasies you'll

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impose on yourself.

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I know that when I was in professional school many years ago now,

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44 something years ago, I decided that I was going to wear a suit every day.

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Most of you know that I usually wear a suit. You probably laugh at it,

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but I decided I was going to wear a suit. I wasn't going to just some day,

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four years later after my formal education in profession,

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I'm now going to put on a suit and I'm now going to be a doctor kind of thing.

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I decided that I was going to do that from day one and develop a lifestyle and a

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way of thinking and doing it, because I noticed that the way I respected myself,

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the way I dressed, I got treated differently.

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So I wanted to prepare in advance that way. I didn't, it wasn't a fake,

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people weren't, they were thinking, well, why are you dressed up? And I said,

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because that's how I want to be perceived. And that's how I want my life to be.

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And that's who I am. I've been doing it now 50 years almost, 48 years or so,

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since well, 44, 46 years.

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So I'm a firm believer you don't need to fake it.

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You just decide how you really want your life revolving around how your values

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are, your highest value.

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If you live by priority and you fill your day with the very highest priority

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actions that you can do,

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you're going to increase the probability of being authentic,

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you're going to increase the probability of being objective,

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you're going to increase the probability of having sustainable fair exchange

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with people. And there's no faking. I don't, I don't think you,

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I don't know if that is even needed to, the faking it to try to put on a facade.

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I think that any time you go in into a social setting and you think you're

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arrogant, you eventually get rejected, alienated, put down, criticized,

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you get humbled. So why do it?

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Why would you want to exaggerate something you've done when you haven't,

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when you're going to eventually get caught by it?

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And it's not going to be advantage.

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I remember walking in one time to a seminar and

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people, one person said, oh, Dr. Demartini, you're, you know,

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they were praising me,

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and I kind of lowered my position and said, you know,

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talk to my girlfriend, she has a different view. And I kind of got,,

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I kind of comically put myself down below where the people in the audience

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wanted to put me. And the more I put myself down,

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the more they wanted to lift me up, it was quite interesting.

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And then if I went in there and I said, you know, I am great, in fact,

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you can't even comprehend how great I am, yeah,

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I'm more amazing than you can even comprehend.

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If I put myself into an arrogant position, they would immediately go,

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what arrogant, you know, they'd put me down.

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So what's going to happen is you're going to automatically get responses from

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people, praise and criticism, support and challenge,

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to try to get you authentic.

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And people sometimes get addicted to praise and think that's the way it's

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supposed to be. And there's a whole bunch of crap out there taught that,

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you know, be nice, be kind, be positive, you know, and that's not real,

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that's only half the equation of life.

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If you go and get to puffed up and supported and built up and started getting

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above equilibrium and started getting proud, you're going to attract criticism,

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challenge humbling circumstances to get you back in authenticity again.

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So praise without reprimand, or positive without negative is, you know,

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doesn't work.

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You want to make sure that you're stable and the way you're stable is to embrace

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both sides. And frankly, you're both sided.

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I'm not a nice person or a mean person. I'm not kind person or a cruel person.

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Those are labels and personas. I have moments when I'm kind,

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I have moments when I'm cruel, but I'm a human being with both sides. In fact,

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I' found that I have every one of the 4,628 traits

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that's in the Oxford dictionary. I found them all in myself. There's, I mean,

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I got all the traits you could imagine you can come up with.

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And there's different settings where I play out those roles and I have no desire

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to get rid of rid of any of them or gain some because they're already there.

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They're not ever lost. They're not ever gained.

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I always say a master lives in a world of transformation,

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never the illusions of gain and loss.

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And I don't have any desire to get rid of anything or gain anything.

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That's why I'm not a self-improvement guy.

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I'm here to help you realize that you already have it.

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There's nothing missing in you. You have all the traits. They're necessary.

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You don't need to get rid of any of them.

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And the false perfectionism taught by moral hypocrisies about you're trying to

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be one sided and then thinking, 'well, I'm not perfect yet, no one's perfect',

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that's because they have a false idea of what perfect is.

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The perfection is not one sided, not nice without mean and kind without cruel,

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positive without negative.

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That's a moral hypocrisy that nobody's going to live by.

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The real perfection is the embracing of both sides of your own life.

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And so there's no reason to put on a facade. You don't have to fake it.

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I don't think that that's a necessary component.

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What I would advise you to do is master your skill.

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If you know you want to do something and you want to be a professional speaker

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like myself, I figured I would take advantage of every opportunity to speak.

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When I was in professional school, the very first day in professional school,

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Dr. Moley, who was involved in teaching philosophy and a few other classes,

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he got up and said, all right,

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there's a sheet going around the room and everybody here has to pick a topic

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that they're going to do a presentation on over the next so many weeks and pick

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your topic and we'll give you agenda date and you'll have to do a presentation,

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which is at least a 20 minute presentation on the topic.

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We'll do three presentations per hour.

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And so at that time I was a little bit anxious. I had already been speaking,

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but I never really spoke in front of peers like that, highly intelligent kids,

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you know, professional school.

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And I was a little bit anxious and I was, I was preparing for that talk.

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I got the title, it was Referred Pain, it was a perfect title, referred pain,

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because I was referring, you know,

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pain every single day I was basically developing pain,

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anxiousness about putting on this presentation. And I studied and I mean,

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I devoured the information and I thought I was ready for the

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presentation when it came to be my day and they were doing it alphabetically.

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So they had what they called Ronda Deloche, Dr. Demartini,

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John Demartini and then Danny Dodd, who was next in line.

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And they had Ronda gets up there and does her presentation.

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And she said,

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wish me luck as she walked up because she sat right in front of me.

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Danny was right behind me. And Danny ended up, all of a sudden,

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when my time came up, I was all anxious and thinking, oh my God, here's my time.

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And they passed me by and went to Danny Dodd,

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and then I never got to do the presentation. I

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I got a good grade on it, but I never did the presentation.

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But that night I thought, wow,

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I had all this anxiety for all these weeks about doing this presentation,

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and I never even got to do the presentation.

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And literally that next night,

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well that night and the next morning I made a decision that I'm going to take

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advantage of every frigging opportunity to speak and not let this stop me,

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and the anxieties do it. So I basically prepared. I studied, I researched,

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I made sure I knew my material.

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I would much rather be masterful and knowledgeable and really know

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something and don't have to fake it. And you're clear,

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you don't have an anxiety, you can just be yourself up there.

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I found that was the key.

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Now I was interested at the time in health and personal development.

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And so I just devoured everything that was in the literature at the time,

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so I was more than prepared.

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So I eventually not because they asked me to do the presentation,

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but I went and did that presentation to a group of students just so I could get

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to share it. I wanted to learn the material. I found if I teach it,

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I'd learn it.

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So my advice is not to fake it as I said,

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but to go and do your due diligence and don't take on

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expertise that's not really yours. You know, when people call me and say, well,

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I want you to speak about this topic. Sometimes I just say,

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that's not inspiring to me. That's not where my expertise is.

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That's not really what I want to do. So thank you. But no thank you.

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Because I found out if I'm going and doing what I really am inspired to do,

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what's really high in my values, I don't have to have anxiety about it,

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I can just be myself, I'm inspired to go and study and read and learn,

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inspired to want to share the information.

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So that's also a feedback from the universe. Stick to your core competence.

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Find out what's truly highest on the values.

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That's why in my website I go and I have people go to the Value Determination

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process and do their value determination,

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because the number one value that you will discover by doing that exercise,

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determining your values, is your ontological identity.

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Your life revolves around that highest value. Mine revolves around teaching.

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But whatever is highest on your value, may be raising kids,

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it may be being pole vaulter, I don't know what it's going to be.

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But whatever's highest on your value, your life's identity.

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And that's also where you maximize your knowledge.

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Your brain is set up to maximize information in the

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value and your purpose is an expression of your highest value.

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So if you're doing something most purposeful,

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most meaningful and where you're most inspired and you're most knowledgeable,

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you don't have to fake anything. You're just knowledgeable about it.

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And you get to deliver the material or you get to be confident in your action.

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And I think that people can sense the authenticity and would rather do business

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with somebody that's authentic and they innately sense when there's a facade on.

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I don't think it's hard to catch the facades. Most people,

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if you look carefully,

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you can see the facades in people and respond accordingly.

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When I was in practice again,

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I would go and I would have doctors come into my office and we would train the

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doctors on some procedures. And if they really weren't astute,

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the patient can sense it. The patient would feel that there's not a confidence,

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there's not a certainty, there's not a presence,

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there's not a real inspiration to do it and not a love for what they're doing,

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it wasn't clear.

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And so they're being inauthentic and they're not really inspired because

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whatever really inspires them is where they want to gain their specialized

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knowledge. That's where they want to go and be of service.

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So I'd much rather identify what your highest value is.

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And I'd much rather have you do that and then stick to that and build momentum,

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incremental momentum in the area that you're a master and build it up until

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you're just, you're masterful.

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I know some people don't like Donald Trump and he's a character for sure.

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But one thing I did learn from him many years ago, nearly 30 now was he said,

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find that one thing, John,

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that thing that you want to master and stick to it, build a brand around it,

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do it repeatedly, until it's just automatic,

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and then you'll eventually be known for that. And so I did.

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I've taught, I've been teaching the Breakthrough

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I've done it about 29,000 hours I put into that.

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I've done it consistently and people know me by it and I'm quite proficient in

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it. And that's what I love.

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So you don't have to be somebody you're not, you want to be yourself.

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I've said for years that the magnificence of who you are is far greater than any

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fantasies you'll impose on yourself. So give yourself permission to be yourself.

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You know, if you're anything other than your real true, authentic self,

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you're going to be second at somebody else's. You're going to try to, you know,

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force yourself to be something, you're going to need willpower.

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When you're doing something that's truly inspiring and based on your highest

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value and you love doing it, doesn't feel like it's work, it's highly efficient.

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I don't, when I research and write and study, I don't think it's a lot of work.

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It's just doing what I do. I love it. And when I'm teaching,

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if I'm teaching what I'm inspired by, it flows and people are there.

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And when they see that this is an authentic state, they

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They typically want to tell people and the growth of business occurs and you

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magnetize people around you because they go, well,

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here's a person that's walking their talk.

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Here's an exemplification of what's inspiring to them.

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Einstein said the greatest teacher's exemplification.

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So I think that that's the key to exemplify what's true for you and stick to

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what your core competence is and master that skill and become greatest at it.

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You want to be the greatest at you instead of being second at somebody else.

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Why would I want to imitate somebody else and envy somebody else and be a second

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Elvis? When I was in speaking in Las Vegas many years ago,

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I've been speaking there for 39 years I think, when I went there, there,

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you see these Elvis's play all over the place. And I thought, you know, I,

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I can't imagine wanting to be a fake Elvis and you know, somebody else.

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I got asked by Vogue magazine one time,

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a few years back, and they said to Dr. Demartini,

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they asked me 17 questions and the last question was,

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if there's anybody in the world that you would love to be, who would it be?

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And I thought, what a weird question.

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And I said to them I have no desire to be anybody but me.

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Why would I want to be somebody else? And they were kind of puzzled, they go,

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oh, well, most people, you know, think, oh, I wish I could be this person.

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My experience is if you were to be that person you'd have their problems.

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You know,

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if we all brought our problems to the center of the square in the city or

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whatever,

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and everybody would dump their problems into a bag in the center.

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You, when you went back, you wouldn't want somebody else's problems.

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You'd want your own problems. So I'd much rather take on, be myself,

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have no desire to be somebody else.

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And so you don't need to fake it till you make it,

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I don't know if this is making sense, but. Now some people say, well,

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you want to, you want to act as if, to be as act as if. Okay.

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But if you know you want to be a great teacher like in my case,

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a great speaker whatever, I don't need to fake it, I just do it,

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practice in between your performance. That's not faking it.

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That's just doing it. There's a difference. You don't fake speaking.

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You just practice it. You just do it every single day.

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I do it most every single day, I'm doing some sort of presentation.

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And if I do that, I become masterful at it. You know,

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Gladwell said 10,000 hours. I think that's, that's too little.

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I think it's more like thousands of hours.

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I had a gentleman who was in my program, the Breakthrough Experience,

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where I teach people how to live authentically and I

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their executive function so they're more masters of destiny instead of this

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amygdala run,

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highly volatile individual that's trying to be somebody they're not.

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I I had this young man there who was 23 years old and I said, you know,

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you're a concert violinist, one of the world's greatest. He said, yeah,

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I've been blessed by my love for what I do. And I said,

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just outta curiosity, how many hours have you put in there to get where you are?

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You're 23 years old. How many hours would you put in?

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So he sat there for probably 30 minutes and he calculated all of his

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performances and all of his practice hours, training,

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educational hours, everything else. And he came with 43,000 hours.

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43,000 hours. He was 23 years old, 43,000 hours.

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And everybody in the room was just like, whoa, no wonder he's a master.

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I say that I'd rather go and find out what it is that I spontaneously love to do

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and just keep doing it and just do it and do it and do it and do it and become

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masterful at it. So you're not faking anything, you're mastering it.

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And just keep doing it.

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People that want to put on a facade eventually get caught.

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People that want to be on an inspired path usually get known.

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You want to leave a legacy and you want to make a difference, be yourself.

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That's unique, you're unique in your hierarchy of values.

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The second you try to subordinate to somebody else

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not,

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you just diluted your uniqueness and you lost your ability to make more of a

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difference.

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You now made yourself more like the herd instead of somebody that actually gets

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heard. I'd rather be a an unborrowed visionary than a borrowed visionary.

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An unborrowed visionary is somebody that goes within and follows their own path

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and blazes a trail that's unique to them.

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So I'm a firm believer that just being authentic is probably the most powerful

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thing you're going to be able to do in your life.

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I really believe that everything that goes on in your life is trying to help you

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get there, get to that state.

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In my Breakthrough Experience program I do my best to try to

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show you,

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point out that everything that's going on in your life is trying to give you

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feedback to do that. When you get to see that you realize,

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it's the most efficient and effective thing to do is be yourself.

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So I'm not promoting fake it. I'm promoting master it.

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I'm promoting put the hours in. I'm promoting,

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get over the fantasies of immediate gratification and get clear.

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You know, with wealth building,

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you don't get wealthy by immediate gratification,

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you get wealthy because you have long term vision and you patiently invest and

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you buy quality companies that serve ever greater numbers of people,

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and you do it with fair exchange in a non-zero sum exchange.

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And you do that and you build momentum. And compound interest is your favor.

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It's one of the great wonders of the world.

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So you do that by consistently staying focused on an outcome that's a service to

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people. Most fulfilling thing we can do is be of service to people.

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So don't fake it. Just find out that service,

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find out what's your highest value by going online to the Value Determination

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process, come to the Breakthrough Experience

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and let me show you how to be clear about that and lay out a purpose for that.

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And so you know what your service is, so you can start to prioritize your life,

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so you don't have to fake anything. You know, if you exaggerate yourself,

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you're going to set too big a goal in too short a time frame, to humble you.

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If you minimize yourself,

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you're going to set too small a goal in too long a time frame, to lift you up.

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But if you're really your authentic self,

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you're going to set real goals in real time frames,

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and you're going to end up manifesting,

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and then you're going to have more certainty and you're

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talk,

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and you're going to be magnetizing people to you because they can trust you to

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live according to your highest values. You want to be trusted,

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you want the oxytocin vasopressin to be excited in your, you know,

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elevated in your physiology, then do what's priority.

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That's the key.

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So I just wanted to take a few moments to talk about the importance of being

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yourself. You don't need to fake it to make it.

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You can be your magnificent self and just build momentum doing it.

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And I think that's the key to this. So also to help you on that path,

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I've got, you know,

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I've been teaching the Breakthrough Experience program for 33 plus years now,

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we're going on 34 years. And if you want to master your mind,

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you want to master your life,

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if you want some proven tools that help you master your life and develop

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yourself and expand, not just in one area,

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but I'm interested in helping you wake up your genius,

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helping you build your business, helping you end up with wealth,

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helping you in stabilize relationships, and loving, intimate relationships,

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I'm interested in helping you socially lead and make the difference you want.

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I'm interested in helping you have wellness factors

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and also be inspired.

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The Breakthrough Experience is an experience that, you know,

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when I was 17 years old, I met a teacher that changed the trajectory of my life.

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And ever since that night I met him,

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I had a dream to do the same for other people. So,

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when I put together the Breakthrough Experience 30 something years ago,

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34 years ago almost, man I was inspired, because like a tiny acorn,

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within the acorn lies the mighty Oak. There's a mighty Oak inside all of us.

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So I want to share with you the Breakthrough Experience

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mind, master your life, master your authenticity,

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so you can walk an authentic life. You don't have to fake it.

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I don't want you to fake it. I want you to be you.

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You want to be loved for who you are,

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how you ever going to be loved for who you are. If you're faking who you are?

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You can't. You're going to attract people that match the fake,

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instead of attracting the people that are honoring you.

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And I look forward to seeing you there.

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I can't wait to help you do something extraordinary with your life.

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And just know that in the Breakthrough Experience,

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it doesn't matter what area issue you have in life,

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whether it's intellectual or business or finance, whatever,

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I'm there to help you break through whatever you feel

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go and see everything on the way. Your perception, decisions,

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and actions are what you have control over.

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I'm going to teach you how to have mastery over those. So join me,

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because I can help you there.

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I know I can make a difference there and I can help you recognize your

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authenticity and live it. So that's it for the week. Just until next week,

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I just want to share my webinar. You don't need to fake your life to achieve.

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You can be yourself. You want to be loved for that.

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Let's let's learn that art come to the Breakthrough Experience.

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Let me help you master your life and be authentic. The authentic you.