Healthy boundaries aren’t selfish. They’re how you protect what matters most—your time, your energy, your relationships. Without boundaries, connection collapses. With them, you build the only kind of trust that lasts.

The best boundaries require

nothing of the other person.

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They're about what you will and won't do,

not what others should or shouldn't do.

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You are listening to source work

with your host, Fred Van Reer.

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Welcome in.

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What is Up?

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I hope you're doing amazing and feeling

excited about whatever you're working on.

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I'm so glad you're here.

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Appreciate you giving me a few

minutes of your attention today.

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And today I want to talk about

boundaries, specifically this

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counterintuitive idea that boundaries

aren't walls that stop connection,

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but rather they create more trust.

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And connection.

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Now, when I was younger, I remember

thinking that being a good friend,

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a good partner, a good leader

meant just keep people happy.

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Say yes as often as

possible, go with the flow.

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Don't rock the boat, and

honestly kind of works at first.

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People like you.

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You seem easygoing.

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Maybe you even tell

people you're easygoing.

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It becomes part of your identity.

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But here's what I've noticed.

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After a while, you see some people taking

advantage of your easygoing nature,

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taking more than their giving, or your

connection feels shallow and fake . For

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me, it was because deep down people

knew they weren't with the real me.

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They were with my accommodation.

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Now, maybe that's something

you've struggled with before

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or maybe that's you right now.

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And now you're stuck between staying

authentic to who you presented

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yourself as this easygoing friend

or colleague or partner, or finally

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setting some boundaries but being

seen as inauthentic or disingenuous.

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Now, the worst part about all

of this is it's self-inflicted.

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Your intention was to please and be

liked , but it's not the real you.

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So the intention never mattered.

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And it probably feels like it's too

late, like it's a lose lose situation.

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But the truth is that's

not actually the case.

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It's not lose lose, it's the exact

opposite . It's Your opportunity because

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when you start holding boundaries, you're

actually showing people the real you.

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And yeah, it might mean saying no

more often than yes, but it also

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means your yes actually matters.

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That's where boundaries

become the solution.

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Now, a lot of people think love

means never saying no, never

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pushing back, endless accommodation.

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But in reality, love is

expressed through boundaries.

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Boundaries are like

saying, Hey, this is me.

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This is where I stand.

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You can trust that when

I show up, I mean it.

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And when I say yes, it's a real yes.

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That's why boundaries build trust,

because when people know where

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you stand, they stop guessing.

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They stop walking on eggshells.

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They can finally relax

and be real with you too.

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Now, some people hear this and think,

but if I start holding boundaries,

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won't that just create conflict?

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And they're right in a way.

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Boundaries do create tension, but

that tension isn't a bad thing.

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It's the friction that

makes relationships real.

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And people are so scared of conflict,

but not all friction is bad.

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In fact, every great

relationship has conflict.

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So here's the difference.

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Bad friction looks like fighting about

the same things over and over and

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over, or unspoken, resentment, holding

it in, pushing it down, or maybe

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it's refusal to address the issues.

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Without getting defensive . Now I

call this destructive friction, and

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this type of friction will destroy

your relationships, but there's also

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productive friction, and that's powerful.

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That's when you disagree, but you work

through it when you hit challenges

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together, but you face them together.

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When you take the time to understand

someone different from you and

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get curious and fascinated.

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About their perspective, that kind of

friction deepens connection because

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, you're invested, you've worked for it, and

as humans, we value what we've worked for.

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Think about the relationships

that mean the most to you.

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Are they the ones that we're perfectly

easy from day one, or are they the

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ones you've navigated some stuff with?

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Moments of vulnerability,

moments of patience.

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Moments of repair.

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Now, here's the tricky thing about

boundaries that people struggle

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with, and I've noticed this with

myself and a lot of my clients.

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They're decent at setting boundaries,

but they're awful at holding them.

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I worked once with a parent who told

their kid that screen time ends at 5:00

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PM and every day at 5 0 5 there's a

negotiation, there's a meltdown, and

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the parent caves and that boundary.

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It becomes meaningless.

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Now, here's the shift.

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At 5:00 PM you walk over

and turn off the device.

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No discussion.

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No negotiation.

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The boundary isn't something that

your kid has to respect . It's

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something that you hold.

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Now, the same thing

goes for relationships.

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If you tell your partner, I need 20

minutes to decompress when I get home

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from work before we talk about the day.

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That's your boundary to hold.

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You don't wait for them to

give you space, you take it.

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But here's the thing.

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The best boundaries require

nothing of the other person.

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They're about what you will and won't do,

not what others should or shouldn't do.

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Now, as with most things,

there's nuance here.

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Some things that people call boundaries

are actually expectations or standards.

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Like, don't raise your voice at me.

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That's, that's asking someone

else to change their behavior.

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That's not a boundary, that's

a standard, an expectation,

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and it's mutually agreed on.

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And no doubt that's a great

standard to have and to meet.

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But a boundary around this might

be if you raise your voice during

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a conflict, I am leaving the room.

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The distinction, I think, is key.

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'cause ultimately, boundaries at

their core are an act of self-love.

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And the only person who can

violate your boundary is you.

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And I think that's empowering . Now,

another mistake I've seen is something

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like I'm standing in my power, so I'm

gonna train for a marathon every Saturday.

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I'll be gone for five hours.

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Deal with it.

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Now, in a relationship,

this is not a boundary.

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This is selfishness.

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Its control.

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Its disregard in relationships,

especially in a marriage.

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Or in parenting, if your boundary

affects other people's time or

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energy, you don't just get to

declare it, you communicate it.

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You come to the table with details,

what it is, why it matters to

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you, how it might work, and those

conversations turn your individual

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boundary into a shared agreement.

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And ironically, that's what actually

builds the connection you're looking for.

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Because now you're not just doing

your own thing, you're making

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space for what matters to you and

respecting the people around you.

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So instead of thinking of boundaries

as walls, think of them as invitations.

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Boundaries create a little bit of

productive friction, and it's that

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friction that builds trust and connection.

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So if you take one thing from

today's episode, let it be this.

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Boundaries equal productive

friction, which equals connection.

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That's the formula.

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Thanks for listening.

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Hope this helps you,

and as always, be well.

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Be kind and do good.

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Thanks for listening to Source Work

where each week we explore the inner

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work that creates outer change.

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