What if everybody had "I will not take it out on others" on their top priority list?

Hey, everyone, thanks for tuning in. So there

are ways in which being a leader is hard. And one of the ways

that that's hard is that we have to recognize the amount of

influence that we have over the people who are following us.

Whether that's the people in our companies, or whether that's our

audience, or whether those are our clients and customers, we

can have so much influence on the world that we're in. And

that means that when we do stuff in public, and by 'in public' I

mean anywhere in any of those contexts where others of those

people will see us or hear us, we often can mess things up

pretty badly. Because we're human, we're made of human and

the idea that we're going to be pristinely perfect and above

reproach is absurd and outdated. So we can just set that one

aside, that's not happening. However, it is fair for us to

expect ourselves, and for others to expect us, to do as well as

we can under the circumstances in the context of spaces where

we have influence. So for example, if I am the leader of a

company, and I make a public statement, it's on me to try

really hard to make that public statement as undamaging as

possible. If I'm a leader of a small company, a micro company,

three people, whatever, and I'm meeting with my team, and I'm

having a crappy day, for reasons, for any reasons, really

even ones related to the company. Taking that out on

those people is not going to make the situation better. It's

just not, it's not going to improve things, you do not want

people scared of you. That's not a way to lead. I know people are

going to disagree with me. But I believe that one does not get

the best work and especially not the best innovative creative

work out of people if they're scared. And when we do decide to

let the shit roll downhill, when we do come out of the gate

swinging in ways that we shouldn't, then it all

eventually collects on the person at the bottom of the

chain, whatever that is. So like, you have, you know, like

the "Rainy Day Book," which is this, I think, 1950s children's

book, little tiny square book, not very many pages, pen and ink

and watercolor illustrations. And it's this story about like,

the dad sticks his head out the door before he leaves for work,

and it's raining. And so he is grumpy and doesn't kiss his wife

goodbye. And so his wife is grumpy at the kid and the kid is

gru- right like down the chain, a couple more steps. And then we

get to the dog who gets like shoved or something, but then

comes right back and is like waggy waggy, waggy, waggy lick,

lick lick. And the dog turns it around. Right. So then the dog

is nice to the kid. So the kid is nice to their siblings, the

sibling is nice to the mom, so the mom is nice to the dad,

right? And so everybody's happy by the end of the day. But that

model is not necessarily the healthiest model because it

assumes that the person that's at the bottom of the chain is

responsible for making everybody above them happy. Like it's you

know, if you can just be happy and kind and sweet and good

enough, everybody else around you will feel better. That's not

a message I would want to pass on to my kids. Just saying. And

that is the message that our culture tends to give. So when

we as leaders take responsibility at the top

instead, at the beginning, and we say "I am not going to start

that process, I am not going to be grumpy at the next person

down" in a way that leaves them feeling bad in a way that makes

them less resilient, less able to hold whatever happens in

their sphere with grace, right, I'm not going to take up that

energy from the other people. What I'm going to do is I'm

going to own my stuff here, I'm going to keep it with me. I'm

going to dispose of it appropriately. I'm going to

manage it with my therapist or with my coach or, or with my

friend but in a way that is not mean to my friend, I'm just

going to say to my friend "Hey, can you can I vent to you for

like 20 minutes because I'm so out of sorts and I have a

meeting and I don't want to go into that meeting in a bad

mood." And most of the time your friend will be like sure you can

vent and you can just like talk about what's happening but not

be mean to them. And then they can usually hold that space and

then you can go into your meeting and it's fine.

We need to carry that ethos t hat philosophy, as much as we

can. We're all human. But as much as we can, everywhere. And

a lot of times especially in small businesses, there's,

there's no, there's no second in command, right? There's the

founder. And then there are like the three team members. And

that's it. And so you can't just say to your deputy, you know,

leader, "listen, I'm having a bad day, can you go have that

conversation?" Because there's nobody else to have that

conversation, it's got to be you. And so you do, and you do

the best that you can, hopefully. When it comes to

larger companies, right, the influence level just gets

magnified. Look at, you know, what if, what if Facebook, were

trying to be good? Just trying even? Or what if, what if Uber

were just trying to be good? Or what if, you know, what if

everybody had in their top priority list, "I will not take

it out on others." When a company does that-and people can

tell- what happens is that company attract better

employees, that company has better employee loyalty, that

company has better customer loyalty, that company has often

better quality products or services, because the people

involved in producing them are happy. They feel respected. They

feel like their humanity is important to the leadership of

the organization. So we have a choice. As leaders, we can own

our stuff, make sure it doesn't roll downhill and build that

into the culture of the company. So that at every level of

leadership, every leader decides is this useful? Is this

effective? Is this going to help? Or is this my frustration,

my anger, my bad day from somewhere else, whatever it is,

my fear, my anxiety- is that what's at play here? Is that

what's going to influence how I present this in this meeting to

this person, to the organization itself. When we make those

decisions consciously, when we build rituals into our days, and

into our systems, that allow us to double-check ourselves before

we go into a meeting or at the beginning of a meeting. And to

be real with people like you can say, "I'm having a bad day." But

then the next thing you say isn't, "so y'all better watch

out." The next thing you say is something like "so I'm going to

not make some of the decisions we were planning to make today.

Because I just don't think that I'm in the right headspace to be

making those choices. So we're going to put those choices off

until tomorrow. I need to take a break, take some sleep, I know

nobody else can make those decisions. So I'm going to have

to make them, but not in this headspace. I just- that would

not be responsible and I'm not going to do it." When we do that

on an individual level, on a leadership level, and on an

organizational level, then we start to shift the world toward

a better way of being. Is this all a long winded way of saying

"own your shit?" Yes. Is it also a reminder that we're all human?

Also yes. And we need to find ways of being human that are

kind and that allow us to make the world a better place. Thanks