From the archives, have another listen to: N is for Naughty

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sexâ.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is N and N is for Naughty.

Naughty as a word for ‘wicked’ came into being in the late stages of middle English (around 1800) and is now used to mean saucy or risqué.    The urban dictionary defines naughty as a ‘bad girl that needs to be punished (usually by fucking her) or a lady who wears tight revealing clothing.  Can also refer to a female who is into bondage.’ 

Naughty girls are both highly attractive (when they are single or committed to someone else) and highly worrisome (to monogamous men when they are their wives or girlfriends).  As women, we are given conflicting messages around being naughty at most ages.  Even when we are small, people often root for the naughty girl to get away with whatever mischief she has been up to.    

Lots of women are taught that acting naughty is inappropriate and that people won’t want them to be naughty as they get older.  The connection between naughty or risqué and wicked is made quickly and women who have been brought up in traditional homes can worry how they will be perceived if they behave in this way.

Naughty girls are often sought after.  They are seen to be sexually liberated and sometimes even slutty.  As a result, many people think that they might have a chance with a naughty girl.  Some suggest that all girls have a naughty side.

Some of the qualities attributed to naughty girls are ones that it would benefit all women to have.  Being outspoken is a quality that all women can benefit from.  When you are outspoken, you are able to express your needs and desires so you have a much better chance of having them met.

Naughty girls are provocative.  They own their sexuality so they get what they need and have a lot of fun doing it.  Naughty girls are rebellious.  A bit of rebellion can take a woman a long way.  Being rebellious means that you are refusing to simply toe the party line.  Rebelliousness can mean standing up for yourself and refusing to conform.  Of course there are times where conforming is appropriate or will get you a better result.  However, there are lots of times where conforming means you don’t have the opportunity to try new things and this can lead to regrets.

Being naughty leads to punishment in some situations.   One of the top role play fantasies is to punish a naughty girl.   The role play can take many forms from a naughty girl being called in to see the head or the principal to a naughty girl being spanked over an adult’s lap to a naughty girl being told to stay in the corner.  All these scenes harness a bit of shame in order to add to the sizzle.

Shame is not always a part of naughtiness but often it is an integral part.  Shame can be toxic but it can also be a delicious as part of a sexual scene.  For example, there are lots of folk who enjoy being embarrassed during a scene – telling someone they have been naughty will bring back the shame learned in childhood but with an erotic twist. 

Janice finds being made to blush exciting.  Her partners devise all sorts of ways to make her blush.  John loves to catch her playing with herself.  This will always cause a deep blush that travels from her toes to the part in her hair at the top of her head.  Janice feels naughty when caught playing with herself and looks forward to the punishment she knows will come when John catches her.

Robert likes to be mischievous just like he was when he was a boy.  He likes to play pranks.  He knows that Jan will spank him if she catches him but he cannot help it.  He loves the feeling of being caught and says that this turns him on more than most things. 

Angel tries ever so hard to behave like her name.  There is nothing she enjoys more than when she is caught doing something naughty – like flirting with the girls in the office next to hers.  When Terry catches her she knows that she will be put over her knee. 

The shame these three feel is a part of the enjoyment they get out of these sexual activities.  But this is not so for everyone.  Many people experience toxic shame around their sexual desires.  They cannot enjoy the activities because they believe that they are wrong or ill or evil for having the fantasies in the first place.

Brene Brown is a leading shame researcher.  She makes the distinction between shame and guilt.  She says ‘Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers ... I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful — it's holding something we've done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort. I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we're flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection."

Unfortunately, sexual shame remains part of many of our cultural experiences and upbringings.  Women are often taught that feeling and seeking sexual pleasure is wrong and shameful.  Men are shamed for certain desires.  Living with this shame makes it difficult for people to fully own their sexuality. 

You don’t have to live with this shame.   There are a variety of ways to get rid of it – some that you can do yourself and others that you can do working with a therapist or a coach.

If you have been ashamed of something for a long time, start by deliberately thinking about it.  See if you can figure out where the shame comes from.  Once you have identified that, tell yourself a new story. 

If you can’t even begin to look at the things you are ashamed about desiring, that is the time to see a therapist who specialises in sex and relationships.   They will help you to become comfortable with your desires and rid yourself of toxic shame while keeping the bit that causes you to feel that bit hot and bothered.

Toby wrote in and asked me to talk about how to find people to be naughty with.  He told me that he enjoys engaging in school boy fantasies and has not had much luck finding partners who enjoy the same things. 

Toby you can try places like FetLife and join groups that are related to your exact desires. 

If you are in (or come to) the UK you can join Spanking Schooldays http://www.spankingschooldays.co.uk/index.php?pageid=6

There are other places that provide a similar service as well as private clubs.  You can search spankingcontacts.com and spankingcontacts.co.uk

Marta wrote asking how she can learn to create role play scenes so that she has the opportunity to be naughty in more depth.    Marta if you would like to learn how to create different types of role play in depth with one to one attention, come attend my workshop Casanova’s Secret.  Click here

 for current dates and locations.     If you would like a self help guide, click here for my eBook on role plays.  Please put eBook role play in the subject line. 

To create a good role play you need imagination, patience and the willingness to laugh.   Great role plays take lots of planning.  The planning stage is usually a lot of fun as well.  You can use written erotica and films for inspiration or remembered scenes from your past.  

If you have trouble finding people to enact your naughty fantasies with, if you are not in a relationship or if you are simply scared to share these with those you are already sexually involved with, you can always visit a professional.

There are many sex workers who specialise in creating scenes for their clients to be naughty in.  I often recommend working to be able to share your desires with your chosen partners as well.

What does ‘naughty’ look like for you?  Is it as simple as having an extra dessert or flirting with the girl or boy on the train?  Or is it as complex as becoming a school girl or boy for the day and talking out of turn in class or committing another infraction and then undergoing punishment in the headmaster/mistress’s office or in front of the class?  Or is it simply being bold and acting on your desires?  Write in and let me know at drloribeth@atozofsex.com

Whatever it looks like, being naughty can bring that extra spark into your sexual life.    If shame is making it hard for you to fully experience your naughty side, get in touch with me at https://atozofsex.com and click the button that says book now for 30 minutes with me free.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to drloribeth@atozofsex.com and visit both websites https://atozofsex.com and https://the-intimacy-coach.com to explore and learn to express your authentic sexual self. If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes and/or Stitcher and please subscribe! Join me next week when the letter will be O and O is for Online Sex.