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Description
How can radical presence transform trauma care?
Guest host, Tim Smith engages with Mel, an experienced foster mother and trauma care facilitator, to explore the power of empathy, grace, and consistency in caregiving. Mel shares her journey from fostering children in Ottawa to training others in the impactful methods she has learned, emphasizing the importance of understanding the needs behind behaviours. She underscores the role of the church and community in providing sustainable support, urging caregivers to balance self-care with their responsibilities. Through personal stories and profound insights, the conversation highlights the freedom found in shifting from a 'fix-it' mentality to truly being present with those in hard places.
Time Stamps
[04:45] Caring for children from traumatic backgrounds discussed.
[06:44] Started fostering 10 years ago to serve.
[11:11] Training enhanced trauma understanding and foster care perspective.
[14:33] Consistency and care helped children overcome trauma.
[19:24] Letting go for daughter's happiness and growth.
[22:20] Supporting emotional growth and understanding in children.
[25:51] Being mindful of snacks, water, and calm.
[30:27] Church must support struggling individuals effectively.
[32:11] Stay aligned with God's guidance, prioritize empathy.
Other Links
Reach out to us! https://journeywithcare.ca/podcast
Email: podcast@careimpact.ca
Listen To Journey With Prayer - A prayer journey corresponding to this episode: https://journeywithprayer.captivate.fm/listen
or get both podcasts on the same RSS feed! https://feeds.captivate.fm/n/careimpact-podcast
CareImpact: careimpact.ca
About the CarePortal: careimpact.ca/careportal
DONATE! Help connect and equip more churches across Canada to effectively journey well in community with children and families: careimpact.ca/donate
Editing and production by Johan Heinrichs: arkpodcasts.ca
Transcripts
Imagine the whole church discovering their passion to care,
Speaker:one small group at a time.
Speaker:You're listening to this special podcast series, Care Journey,
Speaker:from the Journey with Care
Speaker:podcast. I think one of the biggest things
Speaker:that it's helped me do in more empathy and
Speaker:grace, but also kinda ties into what God was already doing before and
Speaker:making this more sustainable. That this isn't about something that
Speaker:I need to do or I need to fix, but this is God
Speaker:calling me into these places. And sometimes it's just sitting with people,
Speaker:Sometimes it's just holding the baby
Speaker:that's crying. Welcome back to
Speaker:another episode of Journey with Care. We are in our Care Journey series,
Speaker:a series highlighting some of the topics that are core to the work of
Speaker:Care Impact in the community and their work with Care Portal.
Speaker:And we actually developed this small group course that goes deep on each of
Speaker:these topics. But what we wanted to do is give you a glimpse into some
Speaker:of them, give you some real stories, some real voices that hopefully
Speaker:inspire you, and maybe you'll spark interest in going deeper and taking the course
Speaker:or getting involved with Care Portal and maybe not, but that's fine.
Speaker:So today, we are talking about radical presence in hard
Speaker:places. We are bringing on a special guest, Mel.
Speaker:In interviewing Mel, we have a guest host. We are bringing back
Speaker:Tim, who is part of our Care Impact team. He's hosted a few
Speaker:episodes already in the past. But before we get into the interview,
Speaker:I wanna remind you that we have our journey with prayer 5
Speaker:minute devotional series to start off your week. That's on a separate feed. You can
Speaker:find it there in the show notes or head over to our website where you
Speaker:can get it on Friday, the same time as this one comes out. I also
Speaker:wanna remind you that this show exists because of the generosity of our donors,
Speaker:of our listeners, those who wanna sow into the work of Care Impact in the
Speaker:community. If you wanna get involved in any way, if you wanna
Speaker:support us, head over to Care Impact dotca or journey with Care dotca,
Speaker:and there are links there for you to be able to do that. We have
Speaker:some needs on the podcast, equipment upgrades,
Speaker:ongoing costs associated with getting this out every week.
Speaker:So if you wanna contribute to helping keep us going, that would be
Speaker:amazing. So, Tim, welcome back. As our host
Speaker:again on the podcast, you wanna briefly tell us about what we're gonna be talking
Speaker:about today and our guest. Thanks, Johan. It's great to be back,
Speaker:and, yes, you know me. This is a topic near and dear to my
Speaker:heart. Being able to lead a team of trauma care
Speaker:trainers as part of what we're doing with Care Impact across
Speaker:Canada is one of the gifts that I get to participate
Speaker:in. And we have Mel on, and,
Speaker:Mel, it's great to have you on the podcast. Our
Speaker:families go back to a friendship between our grandparents, I guess,
Speaker:and then our parents, and a church connection in the
Speaker:greater Ottawa area. I'm from Ottawa, and you live just outside Ottawa
Speaker:still. I'm a little further out here on the East Coast now. Can
Speaker:you tell us a little bit more about your family, Mel? Sure. And thanks for
Speaker:having me today, guys. Yeah. So, my husband, Chris, and I have been
Speaker:married for 20 years, and we lived in Alberta for a
Speaker:bit and back in Ontario. And we have 2 daughters,
Speaker:18 16, and we are a
Speaker:foster home of usually, kiddos 2 and under,
Speaker:and we've been doing that for about 10 years. And we also host international
Speaker:students as well. So great to have you. And you've
Speaker:recently joined our trauma care training team? Yes. That's
Speaker:exciting. We're truly blessed to have you on board. Can you
Speaker:share a bit about your journey in this topic of trauma
Speaker:care? Sure. Like I said, we had been we've been
Speaker:fostering now for about, 10 years, and
Speaker:when we started this and the training that was offered to
Speaker:us, we threw around words like trauma and
Speaker:attachment and some of those things, but I don't think anyone
Speaker:really knew or understood at that time what
Speaker:that looked like and the impact it had on kids, and how
Speaker:it affected their brains and their development. And so
Speaker:when I started learning a little bit more about trauma care
Speaker:and trauma training, maybe almost 2 years
Speaker:ago now, I got hooked on it pretty quickly,
Speaker:and it, has become life changing in
Speaker:our story and what we're doing fostering, and even in my own
Speaker:day to day life, parenting my own kids and just
Speaker:walking among people in our lives that have come from hard places.
Speaker:It's beautiful. And as you've shared your story, we've chatted even before,
Speaker:this moment together. Your 10 years in this
Speaker:space of caring for kids that are not biological
Speaker:to you and Chris in your home has been a journey of
Speaker:learning, really, and watching God guide you in
Speaker:practices that now you have language for perhaps,
Speaker:or or a lens for where that fits in this idea of trauma
Speaker:care. So we're talking today on this podcast about being
Speaker:radically present with those who are in or are
Speaker:from hard places. So some of the folks, as
Speaker:you're sharing, you know, in in your circle, those the children who come into
Speaker:your home, the families that are connected to those children you've been sharing, and
Speaker:we'll we'll we'll hear that a bit in your story in a few minutes. But
Speaker:the families of those children are carrying hard things.
Speaker:And so the language you and I might use is those carrying
Speaker:trauma, but for, the general population, the idea of coming from hard
Speaker:places or carrying hard things sometimes resonates a bit more easily.
Speaker:So from the research that we share and the trainings that we lead, you and
Speaker:I, a large percentage of our population is actually carrying
Speaker:trauma. Right? And and so this episode, we're really
Speaker:looking at this idea of withness. So not being a bystander
Speaker:and just looking and seeing the hard time that people might be
Speaker:having, or simply jumping in and offering a quick fix, but actually
Speaker:finding a way to simply be there, to be present with them. And this is
Speaker:what I hear from your story, what our listeners are gonna get to hear over
Speaker:the next few minutes from your story. So this idea that we're gonna lean into,
Speaker:and you'll hear from Mel as she shares this idea of empathy and compassion to
Speaker:be there, to listen, to be a shoulder. And as Mel and I
Speaker:even were talking, sometimes that person's in the mirror. Sometimes we need to encourage that
Speaker:person having a hard time in the mirror. You're not alone and to seek out
Speaker:that connection. So, Mel, can you tell us initially what drew you to work in
Speaker:this space of caring for those who are carrying trauma?
Speaker:Sure. I think, originally, 10, even probably even
Speaker:12 years ago, I'm at home with my girls and have been,
Speaker:blessed to be able to do that, and they now do school from home. When
Speaker:they were starting to become that school age, I had really been praying and asking
Speaker:God, what can I do to serve you from home? And
Speaker:over time, it was probably almost a 2 year journey that he took me on
Speaker:a, probably, well, preparing my heart and opening
Speaker:my eyes to, foster care. And I
Speaker:didn't have a lot of experience with it. I was naive
Speaker:with how much was around us at the time and what the needs were.
Speaker:And so, Chris and I started that journey, and we
Speaker:were probably about 2 years with our training and all the application and
Speaker:home studies and stuff. So we got our first little guy
Speaker:almost 10 years ago. And I know when I started this journey,
Speaker:probably like most people, I wanted to be faithful, and I wanted
Speaker:to help and protect kids that needed that support
Speaker:and that help. And I really struggled for the
Speaker:first little bit, and I really kept the families and kids
Speaker:separate. I felt that I needed to do that to protect,
Speaker:my own heart. And although I was not judgmental
Speaker:or angry or upset with maybe the bio families, but I didn't
Speaker:really give an opportunity to hold space for them or
Speaker:find a way to maybe, kinda be in it together, I
Speaker:guess. And the last 2 years, my journey has
Speaker:really taken a turn, and we had a placement that was very
Speaker:difficult and, very isolating, and she had quite a few
Speaker:medical needs, and I kinda hit a wall. It was hard. It
Speaker:was hard on our family. And when she, was
Speaker:reunified with her family, we needed a little break,
Speaker:and we took a little break. And through that time though,
Speaker:I God started to work in my heart and change
Speaker:what he wanted out of our
Speaker:journey in foster care. And he started stripping away some of the
Speaker:savior mentality and this, you need to do this
Speaker:right, and you need to do this to make this okay. You need to do
Speaker:this to make the kiddo okay. You need to do this to make sure your
Speaker:family's okay. And I think that's part of me hitting a wall a bit is
Speaker:that I was trying to still do quite a bit of it with my own,
Speaker:I've got this. I can do this. I have the skills. I have, you know,
Speaker:some of the knowledge, and God just really started to
Speaker:chip away at that and bring me to this place
Speaker:of seeing the family, seeing the child and the
Speaker:family for who they are and how much he loves them as a family.
Speaker:Also, for taking myself out of the equation.
Speaker:Although it is definitely still a constant battle, I
Speaker:am learning that this is where he needs me to be right
Speaker:now, and and shifting that perspective of, I need to
Speaker:do this, but just do what I'm capable of doing in God's
Speaker:time. And with the trauma, and then as he started to work
Speaker:away at my heart there, I then did a TBRI
Speaker:satellite day conference, probably 2 years ago
Speaker:now, and that really changed. I
Speaker:couldn't believe the content that we were hearing and how much I
Speaker:knew this was going to be impactful for what we're doing. At the
Speaker:end of the conference, Amy Jo was
Speaker:representing Care Impact and sharing about what you guys
Speaker:do. And so that led me to reconnecting with Amy
Speaker:Jo and Tim and started this journey of
Speaker:digging deeper into what trauma care looks like and understanding
Speaker:what families and kids have gone through, and being able
Speaker:to walk with them in a different way
Speaker:than I had before. It's beautiful. So you've been on
Speaker:this 10 year journey, a way that God has given you
Speaker:and Chris as a family to walk alongside those in hard
Speaker:places has been through foster care. It's not a journey that everyone takes, and it's
Speaker:a journey for for the brave and the humble. Right? But but you've been on
Speaker:this learning journey, and now you've taken this step in the
Speaker:last couple years, like you said, to get training and now actually to turn
Speaker:around and become a trainer. Can you share a little bit about what
Speaker:has given you that added step now
Speaker:recently to to want to turn around and train others with this
Speaker:content? Yeah. Sure. When I did the help conference and then I
Speaker:did the advanced training with you guys, it was life changing. I
Speaker:can't even describe to people how beneficial it's been and
Speaker:how much it has really just changed my
Speaker:perspective and understanding on trauma and how it has
Speaker:affected kids and their families. And and my lens is foster
Speaker:care, and my lens is younger kids because that's what we've done. But it
Speaker:also made me more aware of all the people that that I am walking
Speaker:with that are coming from really hard places. And I
Speaker:think one of the biggest things that it's helped me do is
Speaker:more empathy and grace, but also kinda ties into what God was
Speaker:already doing before and making this more sustainable. That this isn't
Speaker:about something that I need to do or I need to fix,
Speaker:but this is God calling me into these places. And
Speaker:sometimes, it's just sitting with people. Sometimes, it's just holding the baby that's
Speaker:crying, and sometimes, it's trying to encourage
Speaker:a bio mom or a bio dad or those little
Speaker:pieces. So you're seeing an importance in the whole community
Speaker:in a sense being equipped in some way? Yes. I think
Speaker:that after I did this training, it really, I think, opened my eyes
Speaker:to how many different people are walking with people with
Speaker:hard spaces, whether it's pastors' leadership, teachers,
Speaker:other foster families, adoptive families, kin families. And
Speaker:I think that's kinda where I got that passion from is that I know how
Speaker:life changing it was for me to be able to continue
Speaker:this journey and to be sustainable, and seeing
Speaker:the burnout from those around me of wanting to care for
Speaker:people in hard places, but maybe not having the full equipment that
Speaker:they need for the job. When we're fully equipped, we can do the
Speaker:job better and safer, and I think that
Speaker:there's still a big need of wanting to get some of this
Speaker:information out, and and help others understand
Speaker:those that they're walking life with, whether it's their job or
Speaker:mission or family, friends. I love it.
Speaker:Yeah. You're a mom. You're a foster mom. You're a church member. You're
Speaker:a community member. You're very connected in your community in various levels.
Speaker:And and speaking from each of those roles, you're saying I need to be equipped
Speaker:in these areas. And then there's more areas you've even spoken to that are
Speaker:roles that aren't yours, that you're recognizing the
Speaker:support that being able to be equipped with this
Speaker:meeting people in hard places or meeting people with a trauma care lens
Speaker:is helpful, your finding is is even vital, I hear you saying, I think.
Speaker:Yeah. A 100%. Yep. So good. Well, we we love
Speaker:stories on the podcast. Could you share a story of a time when you
Speaker:witnessed significant transformation in a person or a
Speaker:community due to this having a trauma care
Speaker:lens to to building connection? Sure. And this
Speaker:is kind of a story even before I fully understood about
Speaker:trauma and impact. And and I'm thankful too that God was
Speaker:gracious in our journey. And, you know, I had some equipment
Speaker:before we started this, and I'm we had this little girl that
Speaker:was with us. She came to us. She was 18 months old, and she
Speaker:was the most lost little person I'd ever seen. She would just walk
Speaker:around our house, and she didn't know how to sit and play. She didn't know
Speaker:how to kinda eat well in a high chair. Sleep was very
Speaker:dysregulated. You know, there's lots of little signs that were going off
Speaker:that now I understand a little bit more about that was probably
Speaker:a trauma response to something she had, you know, experienced or witnessed.
Speaker:But I think one of the things that God was gracious with is that
Speaker:through what I know now to to be true is,
Speaker:you know, showing up for these kids, being a constant in their life, having
Speaker:consistency of routine, you know, being neutral, kind of
Speaker:being with them as they figure out in their little brains
Speaker:how to be calmer, how to just be, how to
Speaker:breathe. And so, she was the most
Speaker:significant one in my head because she was really about the 3 month mark,
Speaker:and we, all of a sudden just it's almost as if her little body just
Speaker:went, and she can breathe, and she
Speaker:was settled, and she she started learning how
Speaker:to play with toys, and she started walking better. And some of these little
Speaker:things that I I know now, she wasn't able to do before because
Speaker:she was in such a state of dysregulation and
Speaker:and fear, most likely. And even one of our
Speaker:current placements is, again, 18 months,
Speaker:and he has a lot going on in his little life. And
Speaker:I feel this kinda more strength and more understanding now
Speaker:about where what he's probably been through, even though I don't know at all.
Speaker:But knowing now, okay, this is why, you know, this is hard for
Speaker:him, or this is why he's dysregulated right now. And I'm
Speaker:able to just be with him and
Speaker:be a constant and be a routine for him and be a safe place so
Speaker:that hopefully, it takes a little bit of that stress off of his little brain
Speaker:and body, and he doesn't have to worry about where am I being fed, what
Speaker:am I being fed, am I sleeping, I'm tired, do I get a nap,
Speaker:do I not get a nap, All those kinds of things. So, yeah, that's
Speaker:kind of been our my couple stories that I have, like, right now, just
Speaker:showing up and kinda just doing the things. Now I know
Speaker:I don't have to fix him. I don't have to fix his family. I
Speaker:don't have to do certain things to make sure that it'll come as a certain
Speaker:way, which has kinda given me a bit more lightness and
Speaker:freedom, I guess, in in this journey that we're on.
Speaker:That's beautiful. So it sounds like the pressure's off in
Speaker:one sense of trying to do everything, at the same time it allows
Speaker:you that pressure being off allows you to be more present, which is
Speaker:exactly what, like, you and I would know from the training the science is telling
Speaker:us, and the Bible already tells us. Our hearts are already telling us we just
Speaker:want to be present. It sounds like you you have that freedom with this
Speaker:equipping that you have. And I love that desire in you to be able
Speaker:to see others have that freedom to know how to be with we we use
Speaker:a recurring theme in our training, right, that see the need behind the behavior. And
Speaker:it's easy to Yeah. Try and do something about the behaviors and
Speaker:even get exhausted trying to help with the behaviors when really
Speaker:there's a need below that, isn't there? I think we get hung up on the
Speaker:why. Why didn't this you know, why are they acting this way? Why why why
Speaker:why? We wanna figure it out. And it's not really about figuring it out all
Speaker:the time. Just being without. Love it.
Speaker:And the context, once again, that you have for
Speaker:building connection is with these little ones in your home. But I feel that
Speaker:as I was listening to you giving some tips, which our listeners caught
Speaker:hopefully a few moments ago, but consisting con connection, you had a
Speaker:number of things you just shared. Those are tools those
Speaker:are intentionalities we can carry in all our relationships.
Speaker:So good. Has there been a particular individual
Speaker:whose resilience and recovery has deeply inspired you? And it maybe it's
Speaker:one of those little ones that you've just shared stories about. But as we look
Speaker:at the behaviors, when we look at the challenges often, it's like,
Speaker:oh, man. What what do we do with this? And we need to lean into
Speaker:those stories of hope where we see change like you've been sharing, and and
Speaker:then to see the power of that individual to say yes to the witness
Speaker:that you're offering. We had one little girl, and, I did kinda
Speaker:reference her before. She had a lot of high needs and a lot of high
Speaker:medical needs, and God had already started while we had her
Speaker:working away at my heart and, I think, probably stripping away some of the things
Speaker:that needed to go. And one of those pieces was
Speaker:I struggled with the view of reunification, and and it
Speaker:was more of a a selfish piece. And I struggled
Speaker:to I'm kinda black and white, so it was really,
Speaker:tricky for me for sometimes kiddos be reunified
Speaker:into different situations, sometimes with family, sometimes back home. But
Speaker:God had started planting this in my head of what
Speaker:reunification looked like. And I got to
Speaker:see reunification with this little girl and her family
Speaker:in a really, really lovely way. And I got to do it with one of
Speaker:my girls. It was actually a really neat thing. We had dropped her off
Speaker:for a weekend overnight visit, and her and I were both, you
Speaker:know, feeling our feelings of driving away and,
Speaker:you know, the letting go piece that's hard to do. And, my
Speaker:daughter was, a bit emotional, and and I said to her,
Speaker:but look at how happy her face is when she sees her people. These are
Speaker:her people. They're they're who she knows, and they're working so
Speaker:hard that they want to care for her. And it may not
Speaker:look the way I think it should look or wanted it to look
Speaker:or anything like that. So that's just one of the stories
Speaker:that sticks out in my head, and I know it was part of my journey
Speaker:that the Lord had me on of, like, just that whole picture of
Speaker:of this, of, you know, understanding the trauma piece and understanding
Speaker:families, and and then, of course, what God was
Speaker:doing for me and chipping away some of those things I
Speaker:had to let go of. Thank you for that story. Yeah. As we're
Speaker:thinking of this being radically present,
Speaker:as you mentioned earlier, this idea of a savior mentality can come
Speaker:in where the witness is about them staying with me. Now
Speaker:I'm I'm the one that can be with them. And I love your
Speaker:lens into that family and saying and she being with
Speaker:her family and me doing everything I can to support that
Speaker:is witness also. Right? What she needs is
Speaker:witness, and she needs her family. I love that, Mel. And yet, so
Speaker:heart tearing. Right? When Yeah. When we have to go through that process
Speaker:of we were with you, we were your person. And Little
Speaker:People, as as much as any of us and even more so, need
Speaker:that consistent witness. Right? And so those moments are so difficult
Speaker:and so important. Taking a little turn here, this this this idea
Speaker:of of witness, being present with those in hardship is so
Speaker:central to your work, to our work. And can
Speaker:you recount the time when simply being present
Speaker:has had a significant impact? Just simply being present.
Speaker:I kinda have two stories. 1 is with, someone not through a
Speaker:foster care lens, and just, someone I know in the community.
Speaker:She has come for some from some really, really hard
Speaker:places, and I had to learn through some of my fostering
Speaker:journey and some other, like, experiences of and then again with this
Speaker:trauma care lens of really just like, okay. This is how I can be here
Speaker:for her, and this is what I can do. This is what I can't
Speaker:do. And I just I find that I'm able to
Speaker:hold a lot more space for that. So when we're having those
Speaker:conversations or she's, you know, talking about the hard things,
Speaker:I no longer feel like I have to just jump in and
Speaker:kinda fix and and do those kind of pieces. And then I
Speaker:think, you know, from the foster care lens, our our current
Speaker:little guy, he has a lot going on, and I have been
Speaker:able to be there for him after his visits.
Speaker:And there are times when he is pretty dysregulated
Speaker:and pretty sad. And just being
Speaker:able to be there, and, he's learning how to snuggle and be
Speaker:held and all those kinds of things. And so I am
Speaker:very thankful that I have this lens now, that I can
Speaker:do the best with him and be intentional about just
Speaker:being there, and more understanding of why he's crying. This is not just,
Speaker:you know, what people may think is a temper tantrum, or I
Speaker:didn't get my way. It's all the pieces for their little
Speaker:their little brains and their little bodies. And part of the one of the things
Speaker:too that I've really tried to incorporate into what I'm doing right now that
Speaker:I've learned that I didn't know before taking the
Speaker:course is this idea of of modeling and
Speaker:trying to give words and help kids have words.
Speaker:So even though he's not really verbal yet, because he's not too just
Speaker:being like, oh, you're feeling really sad today. And, yeah, it's really hard when we
Speaker:have to drive away from this family member, or I know you
Speaker:love them so much, and I know it's confusing for you to be here.
Speaker:I think before, I was very much like, oh, I don't wanna bring up the
Speaker:hard things in case I, like, trigger them, and then they're more upset.
Speaker:And that's been something I've had to kinda push myself a
Speaker:bit because my initial reaction is like, no. No. Don't stir the pot. Don't, you
Speaker:know, don't bring up the things, but they're already there. And I think I I'm
Speaker:more aware of that than I was before. Like, they're already there. He's
Speaker:already dealing these things. And so, yeah, just kinda
Speaker:talking it out with him, even though he's not talking back, but just giving
Speaker:him some of those, things that helpfully as he gets, you know, it does
Speaker:get more verbal. He can maybe have some more ways to
Speaker:help express himself so he can get the help that he needs.
Speaker:That's beautiful. So what I what I hear, Mel, is this idea of being
Speaker:physically present to your friend or to this little guy. You're physically there with
Speaker:them. But I'm also hearing you being emotionally present,
Speaker:not just reacting to it, but actually being present in those emotions. And now
Speaker:I'm also hearing you saying you're being verbally present, allowing your words, as opposed to
Speaker:trying to fix, but allowing your words to offer verbal presence. It's
Speaker:it's amazing how many different ways we can be present with another,
Speaker:isn't it? As you've been present with this friend or this this
Speaker:little little guy, how have you seen them react to that kind
Speaker:of simple presence in your support? I think for
Speaker:the friend is I think she knows that she is someone
Speaker:that she can say the things to, and sometimes it's a bouncing, you know,
Speaker:bouncing off ideas, and sometimes it's just the listening piece. I
Speaker:think I hope she knows that, that she can, you know, share those
Speaker:things. I think for littles, it's a little bit trickier because
Speaker:they're not talking, and you can't, it's kinda like a one way a
Speaker:one way thing. But I think
Speaker:just being that calm and that neutral will
Speaker:hopefully be able to be impactful that way in in our
Speaker:relationship. So good. Behaviors.
Speaker:Behaviors are this as we talk about in our trauma care training, they're a tip
Speaker:of the iceberg, but they're really pokey tip. They they really make a they
Speaker:make a difference in our days, don't they, those big behaviors?
Speaker:And I feel like they can turn our days upside down often. Do you have
Speaker:an example of how you've navigated a challenging behavior using
Speaker:this trauma care lens or this realizing somebody's coming from a hard place,
Speaker:you wanna practice witness, and you've navigated that behavior
Speaker:differently. You've shared a few examples already, but if you just share maybe one
Speaker:more in a pointed way here. Well, currently, because we've
Speaker:got, you know, a little guy, One of the things I learned from the course
Speaker:too, just how important snacks and water can be in a drink.
Speaker:And so, sometimes he comes back from visits, and I don't know
Speaker:the last time he ate or how much he ate. So, I'm trying to be
Speaker:more mindful about that and just kind of
Speaker:start that before, you know, it kinda gets too far. Sometimes there's
Speaker:moments where, say, I have to change his diaper, and he's really
Speaker:upset from something. You know, sometimes I'll sing or, like, recite
Speaker:a little book that I have memorized or those kinds of things of just
Speaker:kind of just yeah. Just still bringing that calm. I guess we say that in
Speaker:the course too, like, bring your calm for them when they are not.
Speaker:And so that's I mean, those are kind of a little
Speaker:few examples that I I do right now with that little guy. But
Speaker:I'll often use, like, music or a snack or something to try
Speaker:and engage him to when we're able to in the in play because I also
Speaker:know that they can kind of come down a little bit too if we
Speaker:can, you know, get playing with something or,
Speaker:build something together. That's beautiful. And I think
Speaker:when we talk about the training, it has this word trauma attached
Speaker:to a trauma care training, and it sounds like this really
Speaker:big, maybe scary thing. And then
Speaker:you're sharing with us, and the 2 of us know as we do this training,
Speaker:sometimes it surprises it's that practical. It's a snack and a drink. It's putting
Speaker:on some music. That's trauma informed care, and it really is that practical.
Speaker:Being along alongside someone, that witness is
Speaker:so practical, isn't it? So simple. Is there a
Speaker:particular advice you've shared a bunch of really great things already. Is there a
Speaker:particular piece of advice you would give to a caregiver supporting someone,
Speaker:who has trauma? Is there something that stands out for you? I think
Speaker:that what what you just touched on too is really important to share. Although it
Speaker:is life changing, a lot of it is practical and a lot of the things
Speaker:we're already doing. And it's just kind of getting that information
Speaker:behind, like, why you're doing it. And then some of it is, you know, some
Speaker:of it was definitely, like, brand new information of, like, oh, it's almost more simple
Speaker:than I've been trying to make it. I know I've been doing this for 10
Speaker:years, and I I know that God's brought me on a journey of my own
Speaker:personal peace in this and what, I've had to learn, and
Speaker:he's probably gonna continue to teach me and strip away more and more
Speaker:things. But I think too in the last little bit. Also, you
Speaker:know, this idea of, like, I think it's important to make
Speaker:sure you're taking care of yourself. And if you're working with people
Speaker:from hard places, making sure you started or done
Speaker:your own work so that you're not triggered, that you're not burnt out,
Speaker:that you are not, you know, maybe being hurt by something that isn't actually
Speaker:intended at you or anything like that. I think that's important
Speaker:thing to bring to the table. We don't wanna put our stuff
Speaker:onto kid that don't need anything extra on
Speaker:them. I think that's been, important in my journey
Speaker:too of, doing that and making sure that I'm doing
Speaker:those pieces as well while dealing with and working
Speaker:with people and kids in in trauma.
Speaker:That's so good. So I'm hearing 2 things. The first I heard you sharing is
Speaker:these things are so practical that many of us have already been doing a lot
Speaker:of them, and the encouragement of we might be doing a lot
Speaker:of these pieces. We might be missing a key puzzle piece and the thing's not
Speaker:fitting together. It's not working out, but also the encouragement to keep doing what we're
Speaker:doing and just understand the why so we can really just practice
Speaker:it. I know we were sharing before as you're sharing your story. And to be
Speaker:able to stick this through long term for the, you know, the kids that
Speaker:you've cared for in your home, you have to know you're doing the right thing
Speaker:even when it's not working out. Just to consistently
Speaker:be with, in this holistic sense, you know, mentally, emotionally,
Speaker:physically, all of that going on just verbally, you know, with your little guy just
Speaker:saying those things over and over again. You're not seeing change because it's about
Speaker:long term change. Trauma has a very large impact,
Speaker:in its breadth and depth, and it takes time, doesn't it? So just
Speaker:be consistent and know why and know you're doing the right thing and that it's
Speaker:simple and practical. Just keep going. The other thing I heard you sharing
Speaker:was this idea of self care. Now just
Speaker:rounding out our conversation, we're talking in the
Speaker:context of of being part of a church community. And as you know, Care
Speaker:Impact is passionate about seeing the church across Canada
Speaker:equipped and connected to be able to be with those in hard places.
Speaker:So why is trauma care crucial for the church community
Speaker:in your understanding? I think we would
Speaker:be naive to say that there are many, many
Speaker:people in our pews that are, either have come from hard places or
Speaker:are going through hard things at that time. Maybe they didn't necessarily grow up
Speaker:with significant trauma or complex trauma, but I think most people are pretty
Speaker:aware that people are really struggling right now. Do you know whether it's from
Speaker:a past or even something current? The
Speaker:need is there, and, yeah, I go back to that word, like,
Speaker:being equipped to be able to, be with them, and I think just
Speaker:understanding, our leadership
Speaker:too, to whether it's kids ministry or, you know, life groups
Speaker:or Sunday morning of
Speaker:understanding, okay, this is this this is
Speaker:what's going on here. And so these are ways that we can
Speaker:either help, or sit with, or, you know, direct
Speaker:people if there's, you know, obviously, more help is
Speaker:needed. So I think that the church definitely needs
Speaker:to be a very good tool for for that,
Speaker:especially, I I think now too, like, we know we know so much more
Speaker:than we did even 10 years ago. And I think when we know
Speaker:better, we we can do better. And I think that there's a
Speaker:responsibility in that as well, that if we're gonna continue to walk
Speaker:with people from hard places, that we are
Speaker:getting that information and that knowledge of how to do it well.
Speaker:Good. So I hear you saying, you know, the church is called to care for
Speaker:those in hard places, and they're out there. But, actually, they're also in here. They're
Speaker:in the pews or the chairs or right in our community. It's so important.
Speaker:How do you see this caring for those from hard places with a trauma
Speaker:care lens fits with faith principles? I think
Speaker:just, like, my own personal journey with it was, you know,
Speaker:the the piece I struggled with was, you know, I felt God calling me
Speaker:to do this, but I was also like, okay, God, I got this. And then,
Speaker:you know, taking off and, you know, running too far ahead.
Speaker:And when we look back at what God actually asking us to
Speaker:do, and what his role is,
Speaker:those are very, very different. And so I think making sure
Speaker:we stay in our own lane and pointing towards Jesus,
Speaker:walking beside people, holding space for people, empathy,
Speaker:and then, you know, if we need to point in the direction, you know, to
Speaker:pastoral care or counseling or, you know, different things like
Speaker:that, then do so, of course. But just that
Speaker:piece of, like, really, yeah, taking yourself out of the
Speaker:equation in those spaces, has really been
Speaker:a really big learning curve for me and a really impactful one. And I'm
Speaker:thankful that God didn't leave me where I was,
Speaker:trying to continue to do this, you know, more
Speaker:running ahead of him than than I should have. And it it
Speaker:definitely feels so much, more sustainable and
Speaker:healthy. And a lot less pressure that I put on
Speaker:myself in order to fix that. We wanna help those that we love,
Speaker:we wanna help those around us, and sometimes helping isn't
Speaker:the way we're used to helping or what we think it looks
Speaker:like, or what we've done in the past. Yeah. I
Speaker:love the name for God, the name for Jesus of
Speaker:Emmanuel, God with us. And when I think of God coming to
Speaker:save the world, he comes with skin on. He comes as a human
Speaker:forever, which I think is, one of
Speaker:the theologies that most blows my mind right now, that God became
Speaker:human forever, in fact, a wounded human forever. He has wounds
Speaker:in his hands and his side. So that idea of
Speaker:him being with us embodied, and then we are his church. Right?
Speaker:He's now with the broken and the hurting
Speaker:through us, through his church. And as we already said, sometimes we
Speaker:need the the with right here in in terms of of
Speaker:accepting somebody else with us, embodying Jesus to
Speaker:us. Looking ahead as we've, look to wrap up
Speaker:the episode here, what changes do you hope to see
Speaker:in your community or in your church related to trauma care?
Speaker:I think just continue I mean, hopefully, you know, hopefully some
Speaker:modeling, and, I'm part of a,
Speaker:support group for foster and adoptive and kin moms. And
Speaker:and so we we do, like, little tidbits of of training stuff there.
Speaker:But, you know, that's something that I'm pretty
Speaker:passionate about right now. And so I'm hoping that through some
Speaker:of that stuff and through some of those conversations that I'm having with other people
Speaker:that are kinda walking similar paths with me, I also, you
Speaker:know, have quite a few, teacher connections, and I know
Speaker:I think it'd be really great if we can start being able
Speaker:to share and equip, you know, this training to not
Speaker:just within our church, right, where people are people are everywhere that are
Speaker:needing that and that we're walking along the side. Yeah.
Speaker:Mel, your story is inspirational in how you are allowing
Speaker:this idea of witness and you being equipped to be with those in hard
Speaker:places. How can individuals and communities be part of creating
Speaker:this change where they are? I think if the opportunity, you know,
Speaker:presents itself for me, sharing a little bit about my personal growth is
Speaker:definitely a big piece of kinda why I'm on this
Speaker:new journey of understanding and and hopefully helping
Speaker:facilitate trainings for trauma care. I think that there's a lot
Speaker:of people that are struggling and a lot of not understanding some, you know, some
Speaker:of the behaviors or some of the things that they're seeing with the people they're
Speaker:walking with. And so, you know, I'm I'm hoping to kind of
Speaker:be in a light and an encouragement in that area of, like, there are other
Speaker:resources out there. There are other things that we can equip ourselves with, whether
Speaker:it's podcast, book training, all these different
Speaker:options out there. But I think for me, it's just maybe having
Speaker:those conversation and depending on the circumstance, you
Speaker:know, maybe I can share a tidbit here and there depending on where they're at,
Speaker:and and if they're, you know, kinda open for that. But I
Speaker:think I'm hoping that, yeah, we can just keep sharing
Speaker:this more and more. And I think the word trauma and
Speaker:attachment and all those things that were kinda just words that we've said before,
Speaker:people are starting to realize, I think, that there there's lots of things in
Speaker:there. This information that we have now is
Speaker:is crucial in in what we do and and how we do our
Speaker:day to day with our people. That's so good. Training
Speaker:and equipping is vital. You found it vital on your journey, and yet what I'm
Speaker:hearing from you, how can people be part of creating change? It's
Speaker:sharing stories if you have 1 or listening to someone else's story if they have
Speaker:one to share, about this idea of being with those in heard
Speaker:places. Beautiful. Mel, before we wrap up, is there anything else
Speaker:you'd like to share with our listeners, perhaps a story of hope or a key
Speaker:takeaway? I think, one of the
Speaker:big things for me that's come on this journey is or and then
Speaker:I'm reminding myself of daily is that our hope is in Christ
Speaker:and not in, you know, circumstances or what I can and can't
Speaker:do. Because sometimes, these are pretty hard, and sometimes circumstances seem
Speaker:pretty pretty heavy. But I really do believe that
Speaker:God is can heal and can redeem and
Speaker:do these pieces and these stories of my own life, and as well
Speaker:as those that we're walking with. And just hanging on to that, I think,
Speaker:is important and crucial that
Speaker:he has it at the end of the day, even in the mess and
Speaker:the brokenness that we're sometimes surrounded with. So right
Speaker:now, trying to hold on to those pieces of our hope is in
Speaker:Christ because it can't be in the circumstances and it can't be
Speaker:can't even really be in people. Right? Because people are gonna continue to,
Speaker:you know, stumble and fall, and we have to keep our hope looking
Speaker:up. It's beautiful. And, of course, you and
Speaker:I can speak to going to careimpact.ca, where you can
Speaker:express interest in trauma care training, where you can hear
Speaker:more from Mel, more stories, and from the rest of the
Speaker:team. You can request training in your area or sign up for
Speaker:an existing course there. Thank you, Mel, for coming on to the podcast.
Speaker:Thank you so much for sharing your experiences in and insights with us
Speaker:today. Thank you very much for having me today.
Speaker:Thank you for joining another conversation on Journey with Care,
Speaker:where we inspire curious Canadians on their path of faith
Speaker:and living life with purpose in community. Journey with Care is an
Speaker:initiative of Care Impact, a Canadian charity dedicated to
Speaker:connecting and equipping the whole church to journey well in
Speaker:community. You can visit their website at careimpact.ca or visit
Speaker:journey with care. Ca to get more information on weekly episodes,
Speaker:Journey with Prayer, and details about our upcoming events and meetups.
Speaker:You can also leave us a message, share your thoughts, and connect with like
Speaker:minded individuals who are on their own journeys of faith and purpose.
Speaker:Thank you for sharing this podcast and helping these stories reach the
Speaker:community. Together, we can explore ways to journey in a good way.
Speaker:And always remember to stay curious.
