Shownotes
Like computers have operating systems so do we. In this episode I tried to explain how our O/S affects our relationship.
This discussion is based on the following blog post;
https://makerelationshipssimple.com/evolution-relationship-operating-system/
Transcript
Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So basically, we were talking tonight about the evolution of the operating system and the operating system is the cultural narrative for how relationships. Function for the narrative around what a relationship means, how it's formed, how why expectations we should have and how we can fix it if if if it goes wrong. So we looked at the level so level one is basically the caveman level of tightwire I want.
Level two is the more civilized a sense of like we have to be here in within civilization, we have to take care of other people. And so it's the deal making level where we make deals of maybe it's not a so we might see this level now in terms of a golddigger relationship or a sugar daddy sugar relationship where someone marry someone for. Some other reason than than love or attraction level three was from about a 12th century, I think up until now the prevailing cultural narrative has been that we marry for love, that we marry because we meet the person that sets us alive and we fall in love and they are the one and love.
So I think we move to level four when we recognize that the fairytale myth doesn't work to level four is about a level of confusion. It's recognizing the narrative that still culturally we have. Doesn't work, and it's more of a pragmatic response of that doesn't work. So what will and I think the movement to study relationships, I think people like Harville Hendrix, people who've advocated more progressive relationships, has an open or polyamory and that kind of relationship. Our reactions to the recognition level three doesn't work.
So the minor upgrade to to that is recognizing that its skills and knowledge that can help us to develop our relationships, and it's the recognition that we can no more, that we can impact our relationships and level the next evolution is the sense of we recognize that our life is essentially a story and it's every story that's given to us or it's a story that we create and it's recognizing that we don't have to take the narrative that we're given culturally, but that we can transcend that and create our own narrative.
And so it's it's taking. Our life and our situation and making a story and recognize that we're consciously using that as a construct until. We find data that contradicts it. And so it's recognizing that we create narrative in terms of. What things mean to us, and it's just being consciously in control of that. The idea is that it's a buffet of ideas, so we all can bring and share our own perspectives and our own ideas and you take what you want.
So there's no one, right? There's no one. We're not here to convince anyone. We're not here. No one's right. No one's wrong. It's just an idea where we can share ideas and take from whatever is useful to the main room where we are now is recorded. And the audio with the main room will be a podcast. So you can catch up on any of the meet ups by looking at any of the past on a podcast.
You can look at any of the past ones and catch up on any that you've missed. If there's a problem with the breakout room, you can leave the breakout room and come back. I'll be in the main room and I'll help you reassign. Also, if you if you have an Internet connection problem and you get dropped out, then I'll be in the main room and help you get back into your breakout room. I'll give you a link for feedback later.
So any problems or any ideas for future meet ups? Like I said earlier that we discussed in December, we got the Christmas party, so share any ideas.
Also, just want to let you know in the new year, obviously there's going to be lots of people starting dating.
It's a time when New Year's resolutions and people decide to start dating. So I'm going to be doing the pilot study last month. And so start dating. Right. Is going to be opening in just in between Christmas and New Year's so people can get started. And that's basically a there's details on that on make relationships simple dot com. And if you go there, if you look at the start dating. Right, that's a month long training in online dating messaging coming soon is just finalizing the curriculum for relationship mastery system, which is going to be like the start date in what is a cut down version of that or cut down version of part of that.
But the curriculum is a system of relationship building that's going to be coming in January. Right. So now so the topic of tonight is the evolution of the relationship operating system. Now, in order for us to be able to discuss it, I know it's kind of a. It's an abstract idea, and it's maybe not. Immediately obvious what it is. So first of all, I want to just clear up any misunderstandings or not.
Not not knowing what a relationship operating system is so that we can go into the breakout rooms with some solid idea of of what a relationship operating system is. So if I if I mention relationship operating system, who thinks what's. How does that apply? Or is everyone clear that it was in the blog post or Spain, so I can explain a bit, that would be great because I don't think I fully grasp the concept.
Yeah, OK.
So basically, I like if you look at your mobile phone, it has it's got hardware. So that limits the scope of the camera and the ability of what it tells the speed of its processor, things like that. It has the IRS or Angel or whatever the equivalent Android is of the operating system. And then within that, it has the apps and the apps allow you to use the phone to do specific functions, so like message or take pictures or whatever is now my.
My proposition is that we have humans have a similar set up, we have genes which are genetic or genetic capability, what we're going to be the colorize, we have the skin color, the person, the temperamental factors.
So that's the hardware. We can't there's bound to within which we can change that. The and then on top of that, we've got a relationship operating system. And the operating system is the set of frameworks and beliefs that we have about the world and more particularly about how relationships work. And so that said, basically in a relationship, when you react without really considering every element and nuance of the interaction, which is basically how we interact most of the time, then we're working from on autopilot.
And when you're walking on autopilot, it's from the operating system.
Does that make sense? We're trying to analogize the humans way, working through the use of technology.
Yes, it's basically a computer. The operating system mediates between apps, which is skills in humans and the basic hardware. So in order to for a human to function, they have to have a view of the world, a set of beliefs and rules of thumbs. And so those rules of thumb are what we operate on, unless we give a lot of focused attention to a specific instance. So what would be the what would we what was the aim of the debate?
What specifically out of this concept?
OK, so the evolution of the operating system is the five basic is the way that I see that relationships have evolved. So initially, when you go back to caveman times, it was I want an answer to the cavemen, you know, dragging a woman by the by a hair and with a club taking what you wanted. So the next evolution was we civilized, we we civilized. Then we realized that in order to get this, we had to do this.
And so it's about we're looking at how do I get what I want? What do I have to do? What do I have to give? We don't have to pretend.
And so when you look at like pick up, pick up and chat up lines, that's basically what do I have to do to get what I want.
The next evolution is the romantic.
Operating system, which is the idea of I feel like this, therefore it must be love and therefore it must be fight, the next evolution was really evolved from a confusion where with political with the rise in independence and equality of women and I not knowing what to do, kind a sense of confusion of what are the rules, what, what, how these things work. And so then it's it's. The use of skills within that, and I believe that the next evolution is a personal narrative based.
So does that make sense generally? Yeah. And is everyone so vacay with the basic concept, when you say operating system, do you mean underlying beliefs then paradigm? Yes.
So when I talk about the fairy tale model, that is a framework that is a that is like operating system free. Is anyone else? I know this is quite strange.
Explain the artisan in the master samples.
OK, thank you. Um. Let me let me see that he said basically, I know, right?
I so basically that is that if the value model of where you go from here to here.
So the line is. Once you're free or operating below the line, so it's it's subpar results. OK, so I'm sorry, I'm not saying that was the mastermind looking at the wrong one. Is that the one on the very top? Yes, four five point Zero Mostel and four point one one. OK, inscription the fine and artisan consolidate to make sure I cross it right.
OK, I'm seeing a different image, but I do know that there was the Arsenal master. Basically, artisan is basically master is someone who's gone past artisan level. So it's a higher level of a more effective operating system. And this is on the operating system. Post an evolution of relationship operating system. Yeah, it's the one on the meetup post. Oh, I may have posted a slightly different one. I'm sorry. No, no, no, it's okay.
I had no sorry. It was my fault. I picked the wrong one. Oh, my. That's a changed one. Okay. So so basically, it's like caveman settlers in civilization. Okay, so so someone who's operating at the caveman level, they're the prescription for them to to get to the next level is to have empathy to the caveman level, doesn't have empathy and settlor level is to level of within a civilization and aspiring to want more than that.
Kind of like what's given.
And then the dreamer is the kind of romantic dreamer. But the the next that prescription is to challenge and think a little bit more critically. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah. Okay. Right. So the topic of the breakout room is. To really consolidate the idea of the relationship operating system for you, what you understand of it and how it can impact relationships. So maybe in personal experiences, if you see somewhere where it's impacted your relationships, if you see other people operating from certain levels.
That will be another example. Does that make sense to everyone? Just released through the lake that you are basing this on into the chat so that we can just make sure. Well, yeah, we're looking at the same time.
She should be the first link in the chat and I will post it again. Chat. Okay, go. Okay, so the topic is really discussing what a relationship operating system is doesn't make sense to you. What do you understand it?
Because our understanding each side is a kind of foreign concept, you understand, because I think it's OK, I'm repeating someone's audio.
And so what what what you understand, Biak, and what impact it has on relationships. How does that make sense? OK, I will. Just one more time, please. OK, right, quick show of hands.
Does a relationship operate? The system makes sense. Do you have a vague idea of what it might be? Hands up. Hands down. Hands up, if you have a vague idea and you can use the reactions if you haven't got camera on.
OK. Right, OK, right, so so you sorry, Sandra was not. Yes, yeah, OK, so. When we function, we function most of the time and rule of thumb, we function without thinking. So when we're driving, we learn to drive and it becomes automated. So initially, it's really awkward and it's learning the skill and we have to constrain everything we do. Like, I don't know if anyone else, when they're parking has to turn the music off so that they can accommodate things at once.
So. The relationship operating system is what do you function on when you're not thinking about it, when you're just relating, when you're when you're thinking of what your partner does or has done? What are you referring to? You know, when people say they should do this, what are you referring to? So it's gut instinct or rational thought. So where's the gut instinct coming in from?
OK, so it's the belief somewhere you have to have an expectation of what a relationship is, certainly of how it works. That's the relationship operating system. OK, right. OK, we're going to go to the breakout rooms for 12 minutes. When you get a link to come back, don't come back straight away because you still got a minute of the conversation. Welcome back. OK, so. How about room one? What what was your discussion, what was.
Any questions or examples that you can share?
We wondered if people had different operating systems would be compatible....