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46 - KATE VARNESS - Make Transitions Not Resolutions
29th December 2022 • Her Empowered Divorce • Beverly Price
00:00:00 00:37:00

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Have you been through major life transitions? Have you been through more than one? What was the effect on you physically, emotionally, and mentally?

Kate Varness is a Professional Organizer and Life Coach. Often the second half of life hands us expected and unexpected life transitions that lead to physical and mental clutter. In this episode of the Her Self Expression podcast, Kate Varness shows you how to successfully tackle life transitions like having an empty nest, divorce, downsizing, retirement, and more.

HERE ARE 3 TIPS TO HELP YOU ON YOUR ROAD TO SELF-EMPOWERMENT

  1. Dealing with your physical stuff helps navigate life transitions.
  2. Create action plans for both organizing projects and shifting habits.
  3. A "letting go ritual" is your ticket to releasing the old to make way for new blessings.

CONNECT WITH KATE VARNESS

ARE YOU OR IS SOMEONE YOU KNOW CARRYING THE HEAVY EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE OF A DIVORCE? A WOMAN’S EMPOWERMENT JOURNEY CAN BE STOPPED DEAD IN ITS TRACKS BY DIVORCE, BUT THERE IS A SOLUTION. IT IS POSSIBLE TO TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE AND START YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL RECOVERY.  I WAS ABLE TO, AND YOU CAN TOO!

Curious to know where you are? To know what the answer is, you have to find the place to begin. Your first step is to assess where you are.

Use this free tool to find out where you are and what’s holding you back from a new and exciting life after divorce. 

Click here: https://herselfexpression.com/divorce-recovery-program-1/#DRQuiz

Empowerment should be a goal for all women, not just those who have been through divorce. The Her Self Expression Podcast provides critical information and actionable steps to help you on your journey, whether you’ve been divorced or not. 

In addition to this episode, you can listen to all of our episodes at https://herselfexpression.com/podcast

JOIN THESE TWO COMMUNITIES ON FACEBOOK AND LINKEDIN TO FIND OTHER WOMEN WHO YOU CAN CONNECT WITH, SHARE, AND GROW TOGETHER, 

Her Self Expression Sisterhood on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/groups/herselfexpressionsisterhood

Her Self Expression Network on LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/groups/14119012/

WANT TO CONNECT WITH BEVERLY PRICE FOR A PATH TO A BETTER LIFE? 

Transcripts




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If you'd like to move from self-loathing to self-love as Beverly did, stay tuned for today's episode that is Sure to help you take on the world. And now here's Beverly. Enjoy the show. 


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I'm the host of this podcast. Her self-expression statistics say that 79% of women are not confident. Four out of every five women consider themselves less than other women. One out of every two women don't consider themselves beautiful. I see that awful tragedy and I want to change it. I want every woman listening to feel confident, strong, and beautiful. 


It is possible for you. My guests and I will help you to stand tall rather than place small. This podcast empowers you to say yes to the next phase of your life and become the woman you were made to be. Today, I have these questions for you to think. , have you been through major life transitions? Have you been through more than one? 


What was the effect on you physically, emotionally, and mentally? My guest today is the wonderful Kate Vaness. She is going to talk to us today about life transitions and how to deal with the physical and mental side of them and their impact on our being empower. So why do I think we should talk about life transitions? 


Well, life transitions bring about some of the most painful emotions and negative self-taught. There is, and I can testify to that because it's impacted me this way. In addition, those transitions form some of the major life stressors we face. All transitions threaten a woman's empowerment left unchecked, whether it's. 


Job loss, moving retirement illness, or more, these can rock your world. The second half of life hands us expected and unexpected life transition that lead to physical and mental clutter. In this podcast, Kate shows you how to successfully tackle life. Transitions like having an empty nest, downsizing, retirement, or. 


Kate helps women go from chaos to clarity. Such a beautiful part of empowerment. With over 16 years experienced as a certified coach and professional organizer, Kate brings in the expertise in A D H D, energy, healing, and human design. Her bestselling book, who Am I Now, realign Your Home, and Life focuses on navigating the physical and mental clutter of life transit. 


Kate has been featured on the kitchen.com, local television in newspapers, family fun and Family Circle. She's a mother of three lives in central Illinois with her husband and chief operating dog, Mickey. Hi Kate. Thank you so much for being my guest today. It's so great to have you and you look wonderful. 


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[00:04:03] Beverly Price: So Kate, can you tell me a little bit about your empowerment journey? 


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And seeing how I was repeating the patterns of the people who I, uh, who had parented me, people around me. Yes. And so I was just unknowingly following some of those expectations that I never would've guessed that I would have done when I was a young, uh, teenager or a college student. 


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And it turns, we repeat a lot of the things that they did. . 


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And so that was one of the biggest shifts that I needed to. Was to be able to ask for and allow myself to receive support. 


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[00:05:49] Kate Varness: So when I was at home with my kids for a few years and then I came across the profession of professional organizing and it was really a good fit for me and I was able to go into people's homes, help them with their clutter, whatever the situation was for them at the time, and I began my journey. 


Further education credentials and coaching cert certifications under my belt so that I could really help people with their stuff, which a lot of people think stuff is just stuff, but really it's so much more, 


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and mine weren't. So one of the things I did was I sold my furniture and let her use all hers in the house, and that really helped her with that transition of moving from and being her house to living in somebody else's house. 


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It can even represent parts that we didn't like. Um, because we, if it's got a negative memory, you know, you may not wanna go through it. You may say, oh, get to it someday, but, Yeah. The underlying thing is that I really don't wanna deal with those documents or those clothes. For example, let's say someone was a stay-at-home parent their entire career. 


That was their career. Their kids moved away and they've got all these mementos in the basement, the clothes, the papers, and all of that. And the thing is, First of all, knowing how to go through those items is, is one piece of the puzzle, but another piece of the puzzle, the one that's really important and most empowering, is that a woman can say, here's where I am now and I'm excited about what is to come next. 


Because if you are, are thinking that the best part of your life is over, you are not going to release those things from the. because you're not gonna step through the doorway towards something. 


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So, um, When somebody has a really big project, not as big as a hoarder , but a big project, where can they start on a big project? 


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S I advise you to start on the left and work your way to the right or if there's stuff on the floor, pick the things up off the floor, put 'em on the bed or a table. That way you feel already like you have progress, and if it's too overwhelming for you to. Work in that space, you can do two things. Number one, you can take a sheet. 


I know this sounds like a strange thing to say, but you can take a plain sheet and cover up the stuff you're not working on. So Uhoh, that's one option. And the second tip I would give you is that you can take a box full of things out of the room, into a room that. Uh, already set up the way you want it to be. 


You can put law and order on and just sort your way through it. It'll make it feel less painful. 


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[00:09:59] Kate Varness: In a couple of ways. So if you've, if you are say, going through a divorce, uh, you may need to sell that. Or if you are downsizing, you're going to need to make a physical change. 


And so that is an example of a life transition that has a timeline, has a deadline often. And so, um, that's an obvious connection there. But the other connection can be that, uh, you just, you feel that urge. I think you get to a certain age and you kind of feel the urge. Simplify and to mm-hmm. make your life easier. 


And so it's a really wonderful opportunity to say, what is it that I have, what is it that I still want to take, uh, with me to the next chapter and have that be the best chapter. So I'll give you, uh, an a metaphor or a, okay. I guess it would be a comparison. Um, when, uh, if you went to college and you knew that you needed to be careful with what you brought, You were selective. 


You knew that there were things that you were going to do at, at college that you wouldn't need the stuff at home for, like, you know, know, right? All those old mementos and trophies and all of that stuff. So thinking about your next chapter, wherever you are, whether you're staying in your current place or moving to another place, or you've just had something happen in your life, retiring, whatever the transition is, think about what is the stuff that I. 


in this next chapter, what would I pack in a suitcase? The second thing you wanna think about is what skills do I need for this new period of life and what help or support might I need for that? So by skills you may be, uh, becoming a caretaker for a parent. and there may be some skills that you brush up on and we think about this. 


Obviously when you have a baby, you know, you brush up on some new skills or for a career, the same thing, but your next stage of life, whatever that change is gonna be, is gonna require maybe some different kinds of skills, maybe some emotional skills, communication skills. Exactly. Those kinds of things. 


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He has 15 pairs of these same shoes and he will continue to glue them together. And I think a part of it is his desire to be conservative and frugal. So do you have any advice for me that, that I can help him? Let go of some bad stuff. 


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Create a, um, kind of a boundary or a limit with him. So this being curious starts with having a, uh, genuinely, authentically curious point of view. So let's say they have a Letterman's. From high school. Okay. And you say you don't say, well, why do you want that old thing, ? Oh, your tone of voice. The wording, uh, is not going to encourage genuine exploration. 


So here's another alternative. You know, you have had this letter, miss Jacket for a long time. I'm really curious what makes it so important. , right. There's a big difference there. And so, yeah, especially with couples or parents and children, there can be a history and a defensiveness like, oh, you just want me to throw this thing away? 


But sometimes telling the story or saying, okay, you've got these old flannels, you've got 20 of them. What if we could narrow it down to your five? 


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Okay. So, um, so I've tried, but I like your other suggestion, so, so, to. Yeah, I've kind of distracted you from from the podcast, but thank you very much. So why is it important to also look at our habits in regard to transitions? 


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So creating that system and and maintaining it is going to require different set of habits. So if the question is, , I'm gonna save these baby clothes for my child so that their children can wear these baby clothes That. Probably not. So what's, what's going on underneath the surface of that saving? It's the idea that in order for something to be important, you need to keep it forever, or that the other person wants, oh, to have that, that thing. 


So there's a habit of saving that goes with a set of beliefs or a set of ideas that maybe need to come up to a conscious level and be explored a little bit. 


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[00:16:50] Kate Varness: let it go? And there can be many reasons for this. 


Um, some people just see the uniqueness in each thing. Some people have, uh, their memory is tied to it, and they worry that if they don't have the thing, that they won't have the memory. Some people feel an obligation. So let's say that you, your. Parents downsized, went to a nursing home, whatever, and you ended up with a bunch of furniture in your house that was theirs and mm-hmm. 


you, you say to your kid, well, now you gotta take this furniture. So what's the underlying message there? It's that in order for. This to be important, it should be passed on. And so all of a sudden you're taking on the role as keeper of the stuff, and that's a tough identity thing. Are you betraying your family by selling something? 


You know, these things they lurk under the surface, but really. , the question is, can this be solved in a different way, in a way that really honors your life? Because you get to be in charge of your house. You get to be the boss of your house, and if your space is not set up in a way that really supports you, you are not gonna be able to live in an empowered way. 


Oh, wow. 


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[00:18:22] Kate Varness: Yeah, I love the idea of letting go rituals. Now we have rituals for lots of different cha uh, things in life, you know, baptisms or marriage, uh, funerals. Those kinds of things provide us a connecting path between where we were and what's next. 


So you can do the same thing with your stuff, and actually it's very satisfying to have a physical thing that you are, uh, shifting, letting go of changing. So that really marks the difference of what, what's happening internally or mentally, perhaps. So let me give you an example. Instead of keeping the entire collection of shoes, someone could take pictures of each of the shoes. 


Put them in a, um, phone was developed and say, these are my favorite shoes because, and tell the story because a lot of things Oh, wow. Yeah. A lot of times we have stories about our things and we just want to reminisce about the story. It's, yeah. Much less space to have that be in, um, a memory book or even you could simply get the picture developed. 


tape it onto a, an eight and a half by 11 page and put it in a page protector in a, in a, um, yeah, binder, you know, which is complicated, but it's a, it's a way of letting go. It's a way of building that bridge. Another idea is to create a shrine. So let's say that you're a teacher and you have tons of, of materials and notes from your students and awards and things like, 


As you're going through those things, you can really select the very best, get a memory box, display it, enjoy it, put it prominently in your house, and you can smile and say, what a wonderful career I had. I'm so grateful for that. And so you've got a representation of it. You don't have to let go of everything, but you've created a ritual that will allow you to celebrate it, but also simplify. 


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[00:20:45] Kate Varness: Well, that is such a good question as well, because often I find that the people who. Like to collect things, pair up with the people who don't want to have collections around. 


That's true. Don't want extra stuff. And so this is an interesting phenomena. I would call it stuff out and stuff away. So people who want stuff out often enjoy the memory of it, or they need it as a, as a visual trigger to remember something. Unfortunately, when you've got an entire counter full of things, it's hard to actually see the reminder with right the stuff away. 


People, when they see the things out or extra things, it feels noisy to them and they wanna have it be. Contained within a drawer or just out of the way because it's stuff makes noise . So yeah. So there needs to be a sweet spot between the people who have different styles. One way to do that is to negotiate. 


Another way is to claim spots in the house. So perhaps you would have your oasis that is, uh, very clear and open and zen-like. And perhaps there is a den that has, uh, the the 


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[00:22:14] Kate Varness: So yeah, so different people have different ideas. Someone who really enjoys their tcho. Having a, a bear counter or not many things out is gonna feel very un home, not cozy. 


Uh, there's a term called huga. It's uh, I believe a Danish or Swedish term, uh, meaning like a cozy home. And so you could talk about what cozy looks like and negotiate it. Lots of other things in relationships. . 


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I think a lot of us are good at setting goals, but implementation is quite a different animal. 


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Now, not everybody, oh, okay, because you've got a messy house, doesn't mean you're messy. Right. Some people need that person to help them out and, uh, sort things and make it easier to make decisions. It's often easier to get through a project when you have another set of hands or someone who is, at the very least, not. 


Criticizing Right. That is not good support. Right? So having a, having all of your, uh, pieces in place for knowing what's, you're really dealing with, having someone else there to help move the, the process along, it also provides that accountability because someday is no day, it's no time. So studying a specific time, knowing that you're gonna start in the first two feet of the room, or with this particular. 


That is a good way to actually make the, uh, changes start to happen. 


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I call this the divorce hangover. Whether you are newly divorced or divorced many years ago, this happens. Do you want more? Want to feel happy, worthy, confident, and successful? Want to move on? Many women invest in attorneys and. But ignore their emotional recovery. Some because they don't feel like they deserve it. 


Others won't invest in themselves like we do for others. And others decide just to stuff their emotions and trudge through life. If this sounds like you or someone you know and you want more out of life, and in my divorce recovery coaching program may be just the answer with one-on-one personal. We will work together to cure your divorce hangover with a customized solution. 


Join hundreds of women that have walked through divorce with me to the other side. Schedule a free confidential divorce recovery breakthrough session to learn more and say yes to thriving for your lifetime. The link to schedule this session will be in the show notes. Now let's get back to the show. 


We're back with. Hey, what three actionable steps would you give to the woman in our audience that will help shift some of those tragic statistics on their road to empowerment? 


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And then ask yourself, what is the stuff that I need for right now for the next chapter? What are the skills that I might need to employ and what support can I bring forward to help me? Whether that's hands-on, helping you to get through the project, or accountability, having a clutter buddy, or perhaps reaching out to a coach or a counselor, someone who can help you with some of those difficult things. 


I want to encourage you to know that when you sort through your stuff, what you're really doing is allowing yourself to grow and expand and enjoy life now. 


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[00:28:11] Kate Varness: Well, a couple different ways. That beauty drawer in your bathroom that may have gotten cluttered up and every morning you open it up and you say, Ugh, I gotta get to that, or, oh, so wasteful, you are actually creating a lot of stress for yourself. Mm-hmm. , and you're saying, I'm the kind of person who is having to deal with these stressors every morning. 


Well, guess what? It can only take 30 minutes, 20 minutes, even less to go through that particular drawer. Get Rio with yourself, and then every time you open it, you're gonna feel better about yourself. So that's one example. The other. is your closet. Do you have a closet you can trust? Hmm. Because if you open up your closet and you are seeing all sorts of sizes in there, what you're saying to yourself is that you are not good enough for right now. 


Right? So what if you had a closet that was exactly what fit you? What felt good, didn't have holes made, you just move through life with a sachet and a. , what if you had that? How delightful would that be each and every day. So these are gifts that you can give yourself that are going to make a big difference in how you feel right from the start in your morning. 


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Because it's a 180 shift in what they were thinking about. It takes them away from that negative thinking into something useful and positive. So it's funny that you mentioned that as. . 


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So it can be satisfying, but it can also be frustrating. So just know that you can get your tr trash can in there. Get the donate bin and practice lots of self-compassion and forgiveness because it can. One little last letting go ritual that I'll share with. . If you bought something and it was a buying mistake, say this out loud. 


I'm so grateful that I now know that I don't need this. Ooh. And then put it in the donation pile and then say, I'm so grateful that there's someone else who can now use this. And if the item is broken, just just finish with the, I'm so grateful to be able to let this go and create space for new. In my home. 


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[00:31:11] Kate Varness: Well, I have one. It's giving yourself permission to be who you are and really you are the only one. who gets to give yourself permission, and we 


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And that doing for ourselves is something selfish or wrong. And I think what we're coming to grips with now is doing something for yourself is actually a healthy thing to. 


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Hope someone who does not replenish their resources or nurture their own resources and it's not sustainable, it's gonna take a toll on your health for sure. Your wellbeing and your confidence and empowerment. So get used to asking for and allowing support that 


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So it's don't call yourself a giver unless you're giving to your. , so. Awesome. Well, I have one last question or one question that I'd like to ask all my guests to wrap things up, and that is Kate, what does self-expression mean to you? 


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and find your voice and then say it louder and then share it with others. And pretty soon you and I will all be able to express who we uniquely are cuz there's only one of us, right? There's only one of you in this world. And we benefit from you being who you are. 


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[00:33:42] Kate Varness: I'm on all the social media. Uh, platforms. If you look up Kate Vaness, that's v like Vacation, a r n e s s, Kate Vaness, you can find me and follow me on there, or you can go to my website, kate vaness.com. 


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[00:34:06] Kate Varness: so many of the things that we talked about in this podcast are in my book. 


Who am I now? Okay. Realigning Your Home and Light. It's a really great workbook. Plus little hints like, like you've heard today, and it can be a good. , good gift for yourself if you find call to be on this journey. So check that out. You can get it on Amazon anywhere they buy a sell book. Beautiful. Kate, 


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Not only was this incredibly educational to me, but it was fun and energizing. I really enjoy. 


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[00:34:50] Beverly Price: Well, ladies out there, all of Kate's information and the information about her book will be available in the show notes along with my information. You can find everything@herselfexpression.com. 


Please connect or have a friend connect with Kate to learn more about her processes. Thank you so much for being with Kate and myself today on this episode of her Self-Expression. I love connecting you with incredible women who have incredible. Strengths and intelligence and facts to share, just like Kate, that can provide actionable steps that can help us be more empowered. 


You can fund this podcast in all my episodes at her self-expression dot com. Please share it with your friends and subscribe. The more women we reach, the more interesting topics and the more impactful guests we can. Most importantly, remember, you don't have to go on this empowerment journey alone. I've been through my own challenging journey to get to the other side, and I have the experience to guide you no matter where you are in your journey. 


I'm here to help. Thank you for listening to the Her Self-Expression podcast and take. 


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If you have any questions or would like to share your thoughts with Beverly and other like-minded women, join our Facebook group, the Her Self-Expression Sisterhood. Invite your friends. When you download and subscribe to our podcast on Apple, Spotify, or other podcast services, be sure to leave us a review and tell your friends to download it too so we can continue to help others. 


You can also subscribe to our YouTube channel, and remember, self-expression doesn't have to be a mystery. It's your key to confidence and self-empowerment both inside and out. But most importantly, remember that you don't have to do it. Visit www dot her self-expression dot com and join us today.

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