Shownotes
In this impactful episode, Teresa Phelps discusses her mission to empower those facing abuse and trauma. As a grief coach, Teresa advocates for a proactive approach to navigate challenges, challenging societal norms and promoting personal growth.
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Transcripts
Hi and welcome to.
::The You World Order Showcase podcast. Today we're talking with Teresa Phelps. Teresa is from the restorationshoppe dot com. That's Two P's and an E on the end of shop, and she's on a mission to help women and families break cycles of abuse, trauma and pain by invoking awareness.
::And identifying patterns, limiting beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve them, and equipping them to take action towards a life they were made.
::For. I am so excited to have you on the show, Teresa, thanks so.
::Much for joining me.
::Oh, thank you so much for inviting me. I appreciate it so much.
::Well, tell us your story. How did you get involved in this? And I know you had some questions on your website that are just like so thought provoking. So let's talk about it all.
::Well, it's funny how it all started because it was definitely the.
::One of the most challenging times of my life after having my second daughter.
::A little late in life I thought I had it all figured out.
::Right I had.
::A daughter, an older.
::Daughter and then a stepson. And we were.
::Doing pretty well.
::As a blended family, and so my husband, well, one day I was watching them and thought.
::Oh my gosh.
::I'm just so sad that they're going to be gone soon and so I talked to my husband and said, hey.
::You know, do you want to?
::Have another one and UM.
::Of course he's like, yes, let's you know, let's practice. So I ended up having my other one thinking that, you know, I was older and wiser, and I had this idea of how I wanted the birth to be. I wanted natural birth because my first was a cesarean.
::But it didn't happen at all as I had anticipated and just difficulties with breastfeeding difficulties with healing, difficulties with mental emotional that I didn't feel before and she didn't sleep.
::For over 9 months, which was abnormal and I you know because I knew my older daughter slept very well.
::After three months.
::So it was just a whole, like, chaotic mess. And one night I just had enough. I handed our daughter over to my husband. I took my car keys, I got my car, and I left with.
::With the idea that I.
::Was never going to come back.
::So I drove off just crying.
::And I was probably about 15 miles out.
::And something I just heard a voice say. Go back. It'll be OK. So I turned around and I went to my house and nobody was around. So I snuck in into our backyard. I just continued to cry, and I was like.
::I just got to a point where I could not do it anymore and I knew things could be better. And so I started looking up sleep coach, sleep, support, sleep, help, sleep coach and after buying the program it was within a week or two we were sleeping better and longer.
::So that started my coaching journey. I.
::Throughout the last nine years, I.
::It it's been like I said, a journey. So it started off with sleep coaching and then I found massage, infant massage, teaching parents how to connect better with through massage with their newborns and infants and toddlers and then life coaching and then grief over the past few years. So just.
::Kind of were
::Were pieces to the puzzle.
::To get me where I am today and then to move me forward where I want, where I envision the restoration shoppe going.
::I love that and I can see the journey and grief doesn't always have to center around death. It could be grief over expectations, and you're talking about your birth not going the way that you had planned and the whole raising an infant.
::Not going the way you planned and I've had five kids. I'm here to tell you. Not one of them is the same as the.
::Yeah, one.
::Next and the birth?
::Right.
::Never goes the way you plan.
::It I mean.
::I was a birth doula.
::I know a lot about birthing babies.
::OK.
::You know now when my daughters have and daughters in law have children, it's just like, you know, if the kid comes.
::Out and it's.
::Got all its body parts and it's breathing success.
::And if they're still alive at six months.
::You're doing awesome.
::Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Definitely.
::It's just really, really.
::And you took a shower at least once a week. I mean, that's success, man.
::Oh yeah.
::Oh, it's those little steps that we.
::Don't think about.
::And just helping to allow women their feelings and to identify their feelings. And just to be OK with not being OK. I know.
::That sounds so.
::Cliche, but it's.
::We're not going to be.
::OK, all the time and it is definitely a grieving process to have this idea in your mind.
::Actually, my grieving began about when I was five months pregnant. I went to my doctor.
::Because of my caesarean was wasn't planned and it was so traumatic. I wanted to try and have a natural birth because I knew it was possible. But at five months after establishing my relationship with my doctor, she told me if I wanted to have a natural birth that I would have to get a new Doctor and I just lost it.
::Because that was not her expertise and she thought it was dangerous. And she you know. So instead of. So I took her word. And so I stayed without really researching anything else because I was just so devastated.
::And I think that's was the start.
::Of the whole thing.
::But then also the expectations, well, you know, at least I could still breastfeed and at least I would, I'm going to sleep and this and.
::That and none of it really happened. So yeah, definitely.
::It's just one of those things and.
::I remember my third child, he.
::He never slept in his own bed.
::He's an adult now, but he slept with us until he was like 12 or 13. Well, they all slept with.
::Me, but my husband was gone all the.
::Time we got this big bed but.
::They all slept in our.
::Room. Huge house. They all had their own rooms, but they never slept in them. They didn't even spend any time when I was like, what the heck with this was. Get a tiny house.
::And they can just still sleep in our room.
::Just get a bigger room.
::With two beds put together, right?
::Yeah. Yeah, it was. It was crazy, but just would not sleep on his own.
::And fortunately, I could breastfeed him. I used to sleep.
::And just hit feed whenever you.
::Want they're there?
::Yeah, yes. Been able to do that. I would have been screwed and he was the first one that I successfully breastfed and he was the 3rd kid. The other two I didn't. I didn't breast feed that long. I tried but.
::Help yourself bars open.
::OK.
::You know it's back.
::In the everybody's gotta work days and I went.
::Right.
::Back to work and.
::I was a crappy mom and for the first.
::Two, I learned more. I had him later in life. I.
::Had the last three when I was after.
::38 he was.
::Born last 38, last one at 44. So I had I had expectations too and.
::I didn't hold on really tightly to them, but I know lots of women who they're getting ready to have babies and they want.
::You know the whole birth plan thing? I laugh when people tell me, oh, I've got a birth plan. It's like, yeah, take it to your doctor and he'll say. Ohh yeah, sure. And when you get there and the nurses start, you know, they're shenanigans. And they always do.
::It's going out the window the.
::Birth is going to happen, however, that birth is going to happen and you're not in charge. You want to be, but it's just not happening.
::Right.
::Well, what's interesting when you say that is when my husband and I went to the tour, the hospital tour and we took the class, the.
::The class that they have the tour is amazing because they're like, you're going to be in individual private rooms. This is what's going to look like. Well, the day that I was going to have the caesarean, they told me.
::Well it seems.
::Like everybody started having babies last night, so all our.
::Private rooms are.
::Full so we're going to put you in another room. And I had a an allergic reaction to the antibiotics. And then just tough recovery.
::And then they when I was able to, when they were going to wheel me into my room, they wheeled me into this huge room with curtains. So there was four other women and their families in this room, like, separated by curtains. And that was not private. That was and.
::When baby cries, all babies cry.
::You can hear everything and you can just. Yeah, by day three, I was just kind of done with it and.
::That that was just not something I wanted to do again.
::I had my second one was born in Military Hospital and we were on a ward. The curtain thing.
::It was like you could not Get Me Out of there fast.
::Enough, I'm like.
::I'm ready to go home now, they and.
::They weren't going to let me have them. I couldn't. They were like.
::He was coming.
::I mean, I was ready to push by the.
::Time they finally let me in the hospital and.
::They're like, don't push, just breathe. Just breathe.
::It's like, don't tell me I'm not doing anything.
::Yeah. Do you see it?
::Yeah, be sure he's down there waving.
::It's. Yeah, it's it. Totally. You have all these expectations and I think that sometimes through your Fed, these expectations, they build your hopes up to like, yeah, you can tell us how you want the baby. The birth thing, experience to be. And. And they just absolutely ignore the whole thing.
::It's just going to be however they want.
::It to be, yeah.
::I would have to say if.
::You want to have a birth. You're.
::OK.
::Get a doula and get a midwife and have conversations with them about what their expectations are about the whole thing and interview several.
::Right, right. Yes. Do your research, no matter what you're told by your doctor, because it could make a difference. And then it's all about what you want. And at least you're informed. You know, maybe it is dangerous. Maybe I'm willing to, you know, risk some of these things. Maybe I really do. If I could go back, I really do wish I would have.
::Search it more and talk to me.
::Are people who are informed because I know women who have had several C sections and haven't have had a?
::Natural birth so.
::Definitely research and talking to people and who are more knowledgeable because I mean she was a doctor, she was my doctor. And you know, sometime they don't know the whole scope of all things. They just know what they do their expertise and what they are comfortable doing and what they're not so.
::Yeah, I really wish I had somebody supporting me and just kind of like.
::Chirping in my ear and saying, you know?
::What? It's OK. Go, go look for.
::What you want and then you can decide there.
::Yeah, and not.
::All doctors graduated at the top of their class and not all doctors are experts in all parts of their field, right? So that's just kind of a big thing. So.
::What? What do you?
::Do when you work with people, how do you work with them and let's talk about those questions that you have.
::I work with.
::People in many different places in their life, usually when they hear about grief.
::The grief side they are an open book like well.
::This, this and that and.
::And I love to educate about grief. First, I love to share.
::That is not just about death and divorce that there are over 40 life experiences like bankruptcy, job loss, you know, not getting that promotion, money, finances, promotions, even things that aren't happy experiences. They can cause grief.
::Having a baby, getting married you.
::Know just.
::There's so many different things that we.
::Don't attribute to.
::Grief. But if we can understand that, you know, there's mixed emotions, there's conflicting emotions sometimes and maybe we can start. I like to use the analogy of unpacking, right, unpacking things, just grabbing. Just think of, you know, our life as this, a warehouse.
::Blue boxes and boxes of different experiences. So and sometimes we put all these things like I could put all my.
::My birth experience in in this box and I.
::Just put it away.
::And then something else happens. The next thing happens because life happens and next thing well, you know some blended family issues.
::Pack it away, pack it away. But we that.
::Whole warehouse is us and we store it until we're able to process it and release it and let it go cause some of these things will come up in our lives and I call them.
::Triggers or emotional charges, right? Something will happen. That's familiar that we haven't dealt with. We're like.
::Ohh what was.
::That right. But then we just kind of sweep it under the rug thinking you.
::Know it's nothing big.
::It's just, you know, because we don't really, we're not really taught to.
::To look at things we live busy lives. We're just. Oh, that was the past. I don't want to think about the past has nothing to do with today, right?
::So let me just move on. Let me let me just keep.
::Oh yeah.
::Moving on, but I hope people understand that.
::Taking those boxes 1 by 1 and unpacking and really identifying the emotions. Sometimes we think that we have 5 different emotions. Happy, sad, angry, mad. And you know just OK. But there are over.
::Like 60-70 eighty emotions that we could attribute to what's going on in life. And when we start identifying those feelings, then we could start building tools.
::To help and back in the day before this work, I used to say I'm stressed. I'm so stressed and I'd be stressed for.
::Days, weeks, maybe months. And when I began doing the grief work and learning how to identify different emotions, I learned that my stress is really anxiety. So then when I was able to.
::Identify exactly what it was and it felt it aligned with how it was feeling, and it was.
::The exact word.
::To use, I was able to build this process this quick process.
::Of really being aware, identifying it and then asking myself just some small questions like what can I do? Is it something in my control? Is it, you know, and then a couple more questions and then move forward instead of rather being stuck for a week or two.
::At a time or a month or a year, right? Just be able to use these tools to quickly move forward and to let the things go that.
::I really couldn't control or do something about the situation that was within my control, so it allowed me a better.
::Mentally, it allowed me to clear a lot of things out that were no longer needed and.
::I think a lot of times people hang on.
::To feelings that they're having because the A don't know what the emotion is that they're feeling, they miss align it.
::And because it's misaligned like you said.
::You were you.
::Were thinking that you were struggling from stress rather than anxiety. Stress is something that is. It's a pressure, it's an outside pressure that's affecting you in a certain way. And if you've missed diagnosed.
::Mislabeled the emotion that you're feeling, then the.
::The way that you would.
::UM.
::Mitigate those feelings are different and you're not able to find the correct.
::Tools to use to allow that feeling to and to dissipate and it really will dissipate if you if you address it properly and it's that secret.
::Right.
::A secret code, if you will, to helping your body process emotions because your body generates chemicals every time you have an emotion and it's a different chemical for different emotions that you're feeling. And if you don't know how to.
::Make Sue those emotions and sue those chemical reactions and let the antidote start flooding through your body to like balance you out. Then you start getting into diseases that happen in your body.
::Right, right. And I think that's another thing we don't truly understand is how it affects our bodies and how holding on to just different things, especially like when we go to.
::Doctors and we, you know, we.
::We can feel something going on.
::But all our blood tests and lab results are normal, right? So then that's where UMI encourage people to really begin digging into. Uh. Maybe therapy, maybe counseling or coaching. I added grief coaching to.
::To my services because not everybody is necessarily ready to go through the program. So then you know, it's just helping them realize these different things, not only the loss that they've suffered recently and how it affects them, but different losses in their lives. So just helping them through and unpack the things that are going on right now because.
::Peoples lives change overnight, especially during death divorce, you know, just different things that can that can happen. So you know, getting them through those first emotions of disbelief or numbness or overwhelm and helping them realize that.
::It's, you know, there's so many areas in life.
::That are affected.
::And to be able just to focus on one thing or another or I'm going to let this go for now and move forward, right and to have.
::People who are there, who understand, who aren't saying ohh, you know, time heals all wounds or.
::Stay busy, right? Don't feel bad. You know, it'll be OK. You know, there's so many different things and I call it the noise in our lives that isn't like.
::I say that people are well intended or they mean well, but it doesn't necessarily sit well with us because what they're saying up here. Yes, it makes sense, but our hearts are like, no, you know, I want it differently. So it's being able to.
::And you.
::Kind of manage that conflict between the two.
::You get flooded with all of these different emotions at one time. Sometimes when you go through some of these bigger things like, you know, divorce or losing your job, even you become paralyzed because.
::You just cannot process all of the stuff that's going on, and so you just do nothing. We call it depression.
::That I think depression is just a combination of so many different things that are.
::I would say attacking you at one time.
::That you're not.
::Able to process. You can't separate them and you can't process them. And you know all trauma teaches us something. You know, we can learn from it, and we can.
::Be better prepared for other things that come along in our lives, or we can reframe it in a way that it's that helps us, even if we're lying to ourselves about it. But it allows us to move on with our life.
::Whereas if you're just.
::Caught in in a situation and you feel disempowered to handle it. And then you've got these people coming along saying, oh, it's nothing. Don't worry about it. It'll be it'll get better later. Well, that doesn't help you right now.
::Right.
::And it's not usually going to get better later unless we take some active steps in in doing something different than what we've been doing and.
::So it's helping people realize.
::The things that we've been taught about grief, the things that have said to us and then.
::Just stay, you know, waiting for the problem to solve itself. It's like me and you. We're driving down the road, right? And then we get a flat tire. So I pull over and, you know, we flip a coin, see who's going to change a tire. I lose, you know. And so I go out there, I take active steps to go out there to change the tire.
::But you know the other way is, you know, we're driving down the street and or driving down the road and flat tire pull off to the side. And we say time heals all flat tires, right? So it's kind of funny the way we.
::Could think about.
::What? How? How we've really been taught to not be very proactive when it comes to certain things.
::Yeah. And just the whole gamut of emotions that we feel. Yeah, it's rare that people are raised.
::Understanding, hey.
::The parent would say to a child what you're feeling is frustration because that's not going the way you want it to go. You're not angry, you're frustrated. Those are different emotions and they need to be handled differently. And you know or.
::Right.
::What you're feeling right now is joy.
::You're happy, but you're feeling joy. Eyes are all lit up. You feel like.
::Something super special inside and but.
::We don't, we don't.
::Teach those things.
::Right. And then where do we feel it?
::Right in our bodies so.
::Really, it's a lot of.
::Self-awareness in in different.
::Areas of our life, especially how we respond to others and how.
::We how we respond to experiences I really love.
::This exercise that I have.
::For my groups or for?
::Individuals and there's this chart of all these different emotions. And I just asked them to think about one experience on a scale of one to 1010 being the worst, probably about like 5 or 6. Just one thing that may or even something that may be bothering them. And then just to circle the different emotions that they feel, you know, just go through it real quick.
::And normally there's over 20 different emotions for just that one experience.
::So just having that awareness that it's not just I'm mad at that person, right? Can be I'm mad and I feel betrayed and I feel rejected and neglected and abused and all these different things which matter, because now we're starting to get down to what is it exactly I'm feeling? I'm not just mad. I could just.
::I could be hurt.
::But really?
::The root of it is, I feel abandoned.
::And when we like, like with the stress, when we really identify that abandonment, then we could start building tools. Then we could start building awareness around that and begin to heal. It's very it's very powerful. It's very it sounds very simple.
::But it's very powerful as well.
::It is very powerful.
::And the ability to.
::Heal from stuff that's so traumatic.
::It's huge and the faster you can get through it instead of just sitting in it.
::Because it's.
::The longer I think you sit in it, the more damage that you do to yourself.
::Instead of reaching out for help. So how do you help people and in turn, how?
::Does that look when you help people?
::I either meet people out, I love to network, I love. I started doing more. Uh speaking, more vendor opportunities and just asking them where they're at right now in life, you know.
::And there and like I said, I just met a recruit the other day from the Police Department who is graduating next month. So he on his.
::In his life, he's graduating next month. He's engaged. He has a.
::Baby and went.
::On the way, so all these different life experiences so.
::Just being able to.
::Share with them how excited I am for him at this point and some of the different challenge.
::Just that he's looking at not, not me telling him what? But you know, identifying certain things like time management, he's going to be, you know, all these new things may be overwhelming to him. This is what he shared with me. And so just being able to share that, you know, as support, just give me a call, you know, ioffer.
::It's called Simba. Save your marriage before it starts, which is a huge educational portion for people who are.
::Engaged or newly married, seasoned marriages blended family marriages. All these different seasons of life or all these different.
::These different situations, right? So just really.
::Talking to people and seeing what they need and seeing where we fit and really helping them get the support, because if it's not me, I want them to get find support somewhere because I know life doesn't have.
::To be I say life is hard, but it doesn't.
::Have to be.
::So difficult either.
::So just being able to share with people.
::That there is support out there that they're.
::That they may, it may seem like life's going good and yes.
::Life is life.
::Goes good a lot of times, but inevitably something's going to happen that's going to challenge either the relationship or the individuals in the marriage or in their career, in their finances. Something may happen and of course sometimes people say well.
::I don't want to jinx my life.
::But you know what? A lot of things in my life I did not verbalize, I did not, you know, say, hey, I want my mom to die in 2021 and.
::Go through this.
::Almost year long probate, right? I did not.
::Say all these.
::You know, speak these things into existence, if you will.
::But they still happen.
::They happen and we face them and.
::I think the other thing is allowing people to understand that they have a choice in how they approach their situations. They could approach it with resentment and hate and anger and still do it or say no, I don't want to go through this or go through it with support.
::Or a different way that they will, but to be able to feel like maybe, you know things are.
::Closing in on you.
::It feels like it.
::But we can also choose how we're going to go through it, because I'm not saying it gets any easier. I feel like it's just the way.
::We keep ourselves.
::To move forward, even if it's just a small step here or a small step there and in those.
::In those challenges, then, we build resilience.
::You know, it seems like as the older I.
::Get the more challenging situations are so.
::And when you learn how.
::To deal with a situation that's not.
::Optimum when you handle it with grace or when you get support.
::You set up.
::An example for those around you to also do the same thing so that you're not.
::Surrounding yourself with people that are hurting.
::And I think that's been the paradigm for a long time where we just, you know, put our blinders on and just do what we have to do and.
::It sets up for future generations to keep making the same mistakes instead of just getting help learning how to deal with this, and it is really a learning process. I think my question was more like.
::Do you do?
::It one-on-one or do you work with groups?
::OK. OK. Yes, one-on-one end groups in person right now for groups and then one-on-one either zoom or in person, yes.
::Perfect. Perfect. And.
::I know that you offer a free gift to people you want to talk about that a little bit.
::Yeah, it's the myths about grief, the things that we're told, that keep us stuck.
::It's just basically the education that the grief Recovery Institute shares with people and the six myths. Like I said, time heals all wounds. Don't feel bad, just stay busy, just be strong, right, and how these things, again, very well intended, but they only work for so long.
::And then at the end of the day they kind of keep us or they kind of move us towards isolation towards being misunderstood towards being.
::As if we you know, nobody understands us or nobody can understand us because now we're put in situations where we call it Academy Award healing, right? Like we pretend like we're better than we are because.
::People don't want us to.
::See us hurt for.
::Very long. Or haven't you got over that yet? That was last year. Or why aren't you moving on? So when we start hearing all these different?
::Things we tend to start our isolating ourselves or feeling like we can't share with the people who are around us because they don't want.
::To hear it.
::Anymore or I'm a burden to that person or all these different beliefs and feelings that start coming along because, yeah, they are moving on with their life. They are, they do have different.
::Things but that pain and that hurt and.
::That loss is still.
::With us, so who do we go to? So it's just really understanding more than Miss.
::That we're told and how to can start to move forward from there.
::That's awesome. And it's really needed, I know.
::People talk about going to a therapist or, you know, getting help, getting help with coaches.
::Is life changing, you know? And oftentimes you can't find a therapist, and therapists are often only licensed in one state or another. And if you live in a small town, I remember personally, I wanted to go see a therapist for something that I was struggling with, and I couldn't find one.
::But had it been today, there's.
::Like coaches all over the place that.
::I could have gone to and they would have helped.
::Me a lot.
::We're in today. Get help. What's the one?
::Yes, so.
::Thing you want to leave the audience with Teresa.
::That that is the.
::Biggest thing is getting help.
::Finding support and I know sometimes when we're.
::We just.
::Feel like we want to give up and you know, it just takes that extra energy to find a number and reach out. And of course, we're going to.
::Have more challenges in finding support because you know the person isn't taking new clients or it's the wrong number, or you know all these different things that I've heard people who are finally wanting support. There's still more challenges in getting support.
::But just being.
::Maybe even finding people right now as.
::You know somebody who they would go to maybe set up.
::When things are good right now, right. You know, just finding the support, finding the people that they want to talk to because.
::Is it is important sometimes that to know that sometimes our support isn't aren't really the people around us that.
::Are very helpful.
::They love us and they want good for us, but sometimes they may not be the people to continue discussion or continued conversations with or to even help you.
::Along your journey, so knowing somebody who's knowledgeable, who has experience, and who applies what they teach, not only sharing and there are passion or love for helping others, but you know using it in.
::Their everyday life.
::Is very important to have that.
::Yeah. And not be afraid to just reach out and have somebody on retainer, you know.
::Right. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah.
::I think that's what you're talking about.
::Thank you so much for joining me today. This has been fascinating.
::Thank you so much too. I appreciate it.
