I picked up the phone and Bama was convinced Lake Ontario is getting renamed to “Lake America” and honestly I’m still not sure if she read that on a map or a menu. She then proceeded to confess she thought Guatemala was a chip dip, Djibouti was a compliment, and the Mediterranean was a diet for tiny pirates — so, you know, standard Tuesday. We trade a few chuckles as she explains she’s been navigating the world by “keep goin’ north till everyone gets cold,” which, weirdly, checks out. Things escalate when she drops she’s late for a custody exchange at Bass Pro Shop because apparently neutral territory means giant fish tanks and distracted exes. I try to keep up, but every time she speaks her personal geography gets more adventurous and my job is just to not get involved. Trust me — you’ll want to hear how this one ends.
Takeaways:
I completely botched world geography—Guatemala, guacamole, Djibouti compliment confusion—Haystack had to school me on maps.
We joked about Lake Ontario becoming Lake America, and I freaked out over that renaming nonsense faster than you can say 'map.'
I legit thought Atlanta might be in a border fight with Vladimir Putin—two Georgias totally wrecked my head for a minute.
I use Bass Pro Shop as a neutral custody-exchange spot 'cause Del Wayne gets mesmerized by the fish tank and won't start nothin'.
We kept it light—DMV insults, squat-bragging, and me swearing I can find Canada by just heading north till everybody gets cold.
Transcripts
Speaker A:
Good morning, It's Haystack.
Speaker A:
It's time for what's essentially my favorite time of the week when we get to chat with my dear, long lost friend Bama down in rural Alabama.
Speaker A:
And Bama joins us on the phone now.
Speaker A:
Bama, did you hear about this deal where Lake Ontario is being renamed to Lake America?
Speaker B:
Oh, I did.
Speaker B:
See that, Haystack.
Speaker B:
Ugh, goodness.
Speaker B:
As if I wasn't already struggling enough with my geography.
Speaker A:
Oh, well, so geography's not your strong suit, huh?
Speaker B:
Oh, shoot.
Speaker B:
For years I thought Guatemala was something that you dipped your Doritos into.
Speaker A:
Now that would be guacamole.
Speaker B:
Well, now, see there?
Speaker B:
Why in the world they gotta make them sound so similar?
Speaker A:
Well, Bam, I don't think anyone did that intentionally.
Speaker B:
And I thought the Mediterranean was one of them narnut diet fads.
Speaker A:
You know, there actually is a Mediterranean diet?
Speaker B:
See, I ain't as dumb as everybody at that DMV testing center says I is.
Speaker B:
And I thought Djibouti was a compliment.
Speaker A:
Wait, a.
Speaker A:
A compliment?
Speaker B:
Absolutely.
Speaker B:
First time somebody told me they was from Djibouti, I said, well, thank you, sugar.
Speaker B:
I've been a doing squats.
Speaker A:
Oh, no.
Speaker B:
And now they're changing the names of stuff.
Speaker B:
I'm still trying to figure out how many Georgia's there are.
Speaker A:
Well, Bama, there are two.
Speaker B:
Exactly.
Speaker B:
There's the Georgia that we all know where honey Boo Boo's from, and Charlie Daniels battled the devil with his fiddle.
Speaker A:
Well, technically.
Speaker B:
But apparently there's another Georgia over there by Russia.
Speaker A:
Well, yes, the country of Georgia.
Speaker B:
Who in the world authorized that?
Speaker A:
Well, Bama, it's been called Georgia for quite a while.
Speaker B:
Well, somebody should have told me.
Speaker B:
I spent two years of thinking Atlanta had a border dispute with Vladimir Putin.
Speaker A:
That explains a lot.
Speaker B:
I'm a telling you, Haystack, just leave the map alone.
Speaker B:
I finally memorized where Canada was because somebody told me, just keep a going north till everybody gets pol.
Speaker A:
You know, surprisingly, that may actually be your most accurate geography statement so far.
Speaker B:
Well, I know, I know.
Speaker B:
But anyway, I need to go.
Speaker B:
I'm late for a custody exchange down at the Bass Pro shop.
Speaker A:
Okay, wait, wait a minute.
Speaker A:
Why the Bass Pro Shop?
Speaker B:
Well, it's neutral territory, sugar.
Speaker B:
Plus, Del Wayne gets distracted by the fish tank and he don't start nothing.
