Has gentle parenting gone too far?

Dr. Siggie Cohen thinks somewhere along the way, gentle parenting started getting confused with permissive parenting—and in our effort to raise emotionally aware kids, some parents have become afraid to actually parent.

In this episode of The Iconic Midlife, Roxy sits down with renowned child development specialist and parenting expert Dr. Siggie Cohen for a candid conversation about raising resilient, emotionally secure kids without losing boundaries, authority—or yourself in the process.

Dr. Siggie explains why validation doesn’t mean accommodation, why parents don’t need to fix every uncomfortable feeling, and why allowing kids to experience frustration, boredom and disappointment can actually help build the emotional muscles they’ll need later in life.

They also get into parental guilt, screens and technology, what modern parenting may have overcorrected, and how to stay connected to your child while still being the person in charge. Roxy also opens up about navigating grief with her daughter after losing her father, and Dr. Siggie shares how parents can make space for difficult conversations about death and loss even while processing their own emotions.

Because your child can have big feelings about a boundary—and the boundary can still stand.

In this episode:

• When gentle parenting crosses into permissive parenting
• Why validation does not mean accommodation
• How to hold boundaries without dismissing your child’s feelings
• Why frustration and discomfort are essential to building resilience
• The difference between supporting your child and fixing everything for them
• What to do when your child says, “I’m bored”
• Screens, technology and creating realistic family rules
• Parenting through guilt and the pressure to get everything “right”
• Talking to children about death, grief and difficult emotions
• Why being an emotionally connected parent doesn’t mean giving up your authority

🎧 Watch or listen to the full episode of The Iconic Midlife now.

Follow The Iconic Midlife and Roxy Manning on social media (@theiconicmidlife and @redcarpetroxy) for more conversations about navigating midlife, parenting, relationships, health, reinvention and everything in between.

And come back Thursday for Dr. Siggie’s game, Parenting Hill to Die On.

Subscribe, follow and leave a review wherever you listen to podcasts—it helps more women discover The Iconic Midlife.

Children are intimidated and even a little scared by their parents.

We are now in a phase where parents are scared of their children.

We want to hear them.

We want to acknowledge, we want to validate, not necessarily accommodate.

Children need parents.

We need the friction, we need the conflict.

Think about you're punching air, you're not building muscles.

You got to punch something that gives you that feeling, feedback in order for you to actually get strength.

That's the foundation of being able to thrive in life.

It's the skills that you have that can help you navigate the challenges that are going to be there.

That no parent, none of us, we don't know.

But at least if I send you out there to the jungle, I know that I taught you, you got the muscles.

You are equipped with the right internal to face whatever you're going to need to face.

What if in trying to be more emotionally aware parents than the generation before us, we've accidentally made parenting harder?

Today, I'm sitting down with Dr. Siggy Cohen, one of the most trusted voices in modern parenting, to talk about the line between gentle parenting and permissive parenting.

Because.

Because validating your child's feelings does not mean they get to run the house.

We're getting into boundaries, guilt, tantrums, why it's actually okay for your kids to be upset with you and what parents today may be getting wrong despite having the very best intentions.

We're also talking about something deeply personal to me.

Helping our children navigate grief and the loss of someone they love.

After recently losing my father, I wanted to understand how we can talk to our kids about death when we're grieving ourselves and.

And how we give them space for their grief when ours may look completely different.

And Dr. Sige has a new book coming out that challenges some of the ways we've been taught to think about parenting and gives us practical tools for what to do instead.

This conversation is smart, incredibly useful, and honestly, one I think every parent needs to hear.

So download this episode, subscribe to the Iconic Midlife, and send it to another parent who needs it.

Let's get into it.

Dr. Segi, I am so thrilled that you are here with me on the Iconic Midlife.

Welcome.

Thank you.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

It's.

It's just great to have you in person.

Um, you know, I love.

As you know, I've been a fan of yours for a very long time.

Thank you.

And I love, like, going through your social media, not just for your amazing parenting advice, but also I love your sense of humor.

And one of the posts I think you Wrote, you said something like, I became an accidental influencer at the age of 65, which I absolutely love.

Please let everybody know.

Kind of your genesis.

Wow.

So where do we start?

It is definitely a journey.

It's not linear.

It's not like one thing leads to another and another.

It's accumulation of a lot of things, different things that have brought me here.

And so, yes, I can go back to, obviously, being a mom, loving children from the time that I can remember myself being a teacher, thinking it's just my fallback or the thing that I do because it's easy for me, until I actually realize, oh, no, that's what I'm supposed to do.

That's what I am going to do.

Because I just kept going back to doing that.

But whenever I needed a job or, you know, like somebody went on maternity leave and I was, like, called back, I literally just did it because I was able to.

And raising my kids, going back to school.

I think times are changing, and the opportunity was there to go online, to do things virtual, to.

To speak to a bigger audience.

And I think that I always felt.

I don't know, that this is what I wanted.

I did not necessarily be an influencer, but I think what I wanted was to take what I know how to do really well, beyond the office, the practice, even the classroom.

I always felt that this is a message that should reach more people all at the same time because it's so relevant for them.

And again, the opportunity just came.

I mean, pandemic, Everybody's home.

This is how we connected to one another, right?

We used it for the.

In a way, in the best way possible.

Maybe when we talk about screens, we'll be reminded they're not necessary or technology, not necessarily the enemy.

So.

So our friend.

And this is where we are now.

Obviously, I did not foresee this.

And my goal is still basically to.

Again, it's not to be an influencer, but it's to be an advocate for children and families, to let people recognize that I can be a support and a help and a guide for them when they need.

With whatever they need and we need.

I will tell you, being in midlife and parenting, you know, an almost teenager is something we really, really need, and we need your advocacy.

And one of the things that you're very passionate about is gentle parenting.

You know, and I think it's so interesting because you do talk about, you know, different styles of parenting, which I think is very important, and, you know, do such a good job of explaining it and really putting it out there in open.

But I wonder if this generation, especially like we as parents, are we over correcting, are we overcompensating, you know, towards our children and are we kind of afraid to actually parent a bit because we're afraid of hurting feelings or doing something wrong?

What do you think about that?

Yes, definitely.

So I just, you know, I can start by saying that gentle parenting has become permissive parenting, unfortunately.

And that wasn't the starting point.

But this is where we are.

And so yes, we have come from a place where parents were.

I am the parent, you do as I say, regardless.

And it was all about functioning and a lot was done.

Maybe fear based or intimidation, oppression, control, all the way to where we are today.

In most cases where parents are saying or asking their kids, is it okay that I am your parent?

Are you, you know, yes, I'm your parent.

But there's a lot of pleading and asking and putting the child sort of as the manager of their own life just because they can be expressive and they can tell you how they feel.

And so it's almost as if being a parent, it's like a bad word.

You're not the boss of me.

Yeah, I am.

And you know something, it's a good thing.

It's almost like we have to reframe this.

Maybe we don't want to go back to oppression and control and dictatorship style parenting, but we certainly don't want to put children in charge without them having any knowledge, experience, idea of what is their life, excuse me, about so they can make all these decisions.

We want to hear them, we want to acknowledge, we want to validate, not necessarily accommodate.

So going back to I am your parent and remember, it's a good thing.

Children need parents.

So yes, I do tell you what to do some of the times definitely when it's important.

I hear you, but no, you don't decide on all the big stuff and sometimes not even the small stuff.

Exactly.

You know, and I to your point, I think it is so important to talk about how gentle parenting has sort of slid into the whole permissive parenting, you know, load.

And it's interesting because, you know, it's sometimes it's hard to see where is that line?

Where is that boundary?

And what does it look like when you know when your child is really furious or angry for you for holding that boundary with them.

So how do we know when it's sort of going into that danger zone and then what do we do when the child is kind of pushing back on that?

Yeah.

So if we come from children are intimidated and even a little scared by their parents.

We are now in a.

In a phase where parents are scared of their children and it's unhealthy, it's actually harmful because we're allowing children to make choices and decisions based on complete inexperience and instincts, impulses and emotions which are relevant but cannot decide or be the executive decision maker of anything bigger.

So we want to remind parents not to be afraid of their children being expressive.

Yes, children can be angry at their parents.

And by the way, there's also a misconception that children never.

Children today are different.

And I want to say they're not necessarily different.

If anybody can go back to their own childhood, you know that you felt and thought a lot of things.

You may have not expressed them because you were not given that allowance, that permission.

So today we're like, tell me how you feel and I want to know.

You can tell me anything.

And oh, you're sad, you're mad, right?

We promote that, but then we don't recognize what does it actually mean to have your child express how they feel and what they want, as opposed to them just expressing themselves, you hearing them, and you're still the mentor, the leader, the authority, not because you're dismissive of what they feel, but because you know that feelings alone cannot drive your life.

With all due respect to emotions, yes.

No, absolutely.

And what do you do if your child has a hard time expressing themselves?

Like, is it wrong to try to help them pull those feelings out and say, oh, are you mad?

Are you sad?

Kind of to help them do that, or do we just wait until they're ready?

It's a very good question.

And I'm pretty sure that everybody has run into those moments where their child actually doesn't want to talk.

Leave me alone.

I don't want to.

You know, you don't understand.

Kids do that, right?

A lot of, you know, pushing back, shutting down.

What we want is to let them know that we see them and we understand, even when we don't fully, specifically understand what is going on with them.

So it's not, why are you mad or are you sad?

You can tell me.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

It's more like, I can see you're having a hard time.

And when I say that I'm giving my child a space to feel what they're feeling without me trying to take it away immediately, being invasive, wanting to make it all better, because that's not actually a good direction at all to make it all better.

They need to work their own muscles, mental muscles and so on.

So me being able to just say, I see that you're having a hard time.

And by the way, I'm here if you want to talk about it.

Sometimes I can push a little bit as a parent, deciding that we do need to talk about it, because even when it comes to that, children don't always know what's the right thing for them.

So shutting it all down and inside you and shutting everybody out is also not healthy, even though I can't force it out of you.

So I'm giving you a place, a space to feel it, to know I'm here.

And there are times when I say, I think we do need to talk about it.

No, I don't want.

Yeah.

And you know what?

It's okay if it takes a little time.

No rush, emotions.

A lot of times just need to be.

And some kids need that more than others.

That's, you know, and especially, you know, my daughter is 12 now, and so we're approaching those teenage years where everybody keeps telling me these kids start pulling back from their parents, you know, as trying to become independent.

And for me, I think I mistaken it as, oh, she must be upset about something.

I did something wrong.

Like, you know, so how do we sort of navigate those waters, especially as they're approaching these teenage years?

Yes.

And that is such a good point.

When you were saying, what am I doing wrong?

Is.

Yeah.

Reminding yourself as a parent, it's not all about you.

And that's a very hard place because we feel so immersed and connected and invested.

But we do have to remember our children are their own people.

Little or big, they still are.

And it's not all about us.

And especially during adolescence where they are literally looking for themselves in every direction except in us.

And we want to kind of stand aside and of course, still create a safe parameter for them to either come to us to let them know that it is important.

We don't need to know everything.

We don't need to invade their, you know, sort of soul and spirit and mind for us to think that we have to micromanage them.

We actually need to allow them to struggle to feel some of the challenges to also turning away to others, their peers, to a certain degree, maybe other mentors, a coach.

Right.

A teacher, a counselor.

Yes.

A grandpa.

I mean, it could be right.

There could be different people in their corner.

As long as I don't personalize it and think, oh, my child is turning away from me, and what does that mean.

And they are.

And maybe I'm hurt by it.

It's okay.

I still am allowed to have my own feelings, but it's not all about me.

I do need to give them the space and not always stand there and tell them, okay, hover.

Yes, hover.

Or, you know, give directions.

Turn right, turn left, do this, don't.

Yes, it is.

I feel like we, as parents, we try to like identify these things, right.

And for so many of us, it's so hard for our children to be unhappy with us.

Right.

That's like one of the things where you just start second guessing yourself and like you're saying it's not about us necessarily, it's just about them sort of, you know, becoming adults, growing, like also experiencing life.

You know, we're not the sole providers of the experiences that they are experiencing because of who they are.

They take from everything around them and what is going on with them subjectively and personally.

Not everything that I teach you or give you, you take as a child.

You take some of it.

So we want to remember that they are experiencing life from within because of who they are and who they're becoming and who they're becoming little by little and what in a way, makes them curious and what, what talks or speaks to them.

Right.

What attracts them, what they're interested in.

A lot of these things are organic, you know.

Why are you interested in that?

We, we don't do that.

I don't know.

I am me.

Right.

And that's a very hard place a lot of times for parents to, you know, not try to fit their children into themselves completely.

Right.

And we're also dealing, I feel like parenting now, especially we're dealing with social media and these screens and, you know, we're constantly sort of, you know, bartering with our kids.

You know, if you do this, you can have like an hour of screen time or, you know, so how do we navigate those waters, especially because, you know, especially as approaching these teenage years, they have more opportunities online.

They can, you know, my personally, my daughter does not have social media, which we are planning on sticking with for as long as possible.

But like, for the kids that are, I mean, how do parents navigate all of this?

Yeah, it's very challenging.

It really is a jungle.

You feel like you're sending your child into with very little tools and skills.

Right.

And somehow you're scared about everything that's out there.

You also know what's out there.

You understand more of the risks.

They don't.

It's definitely very challenging nowadays.

And I think that parents can choose and decide what really works for them.

The most important thing is, is to not treat that, as I said in the very beginning, as the enemy.

And you are constantly fighting your child on that.

It's like this tug of war.

That alone creates so much unnecessary stress and tension.

And even worse than that, it creates hiding, sneaking, lying, doing a lot of things behind the parent's back.

No, you don't want any of it.

So screens, social media, everything that's out there, you decide what is right for you and what it feels like you are good with.

And when you do whatever that piece wholeheartedly, you are at peace with that.

And that's very important because once you give it, you don't want to hover and stand there like, you know, you are policing them.

Okay, that's it.

But remember, but only in that, again, adds the unnecessary stress and tension and really the negative vibe between parents and children.

Constantly fighting this monster in the room.

So when you give it, whatever you give, don't look left and right.

They are giving too much.

They're not giving it.

Do what feels right to you and then be at peace with that.

Okay, that's okay.

I'm like, must remember that.

Must remember that.

Yes, you make a decision.

What we're talking about so much is being a grounded, confident parent that trusts themselves in spite of everything that tries to throw them off.

Yes, it's true.

There's so many turns in the road and different ways to go, you know, and then we keep hearing about these predators online, too, which just adds another layer of, you know, being scared.

So is that something.

I mean, how do we even explain that to them?

You know, because in their minds, I mean, I feel like maybe they can't even imagine people that would do certain things, you know, these kinds of people.

Yes, you have to be savvy and you have to be vigilant about the risks and the dangers.

And you have to constantly teach yourself what is going on.

But the most important is to more supervise.

Not hover, but supervise by knowing where your kids are, what they're doing, keeping open communication, not trying to catch them doing the wrong things, so they're trying harder to escape you and avoid you.

Don't go there.

And then remember, for as long as we can remember, parents told their kids about the bad people out there.

Don't talk to strangers, Don't.

And you know, the thing about.

It's not funny, but children don't always understand what a stranger is.

And when we think we teach them don't talk to strangers.

We actually are not fully making them understand who is a stranger because from a very young age they watch us talk to strangers all the time.

Right.

Why are you talking to this lady?

I don't know, we just chit chatted about the weather or.

But you don't know her.

How do you explain all the nuances of what a stranger.

So supervision before you tell your children to be aware of whatever you are, the ones that give them a safe parameter wherever they are.

So you trust where they are and that is physically and virtually.

And so it's up to you to really keep a watched eye.

A watch eye.

So okay, that is such a great point.

How do we explain what a stranger is to them?

Because my daughter has also pointed that out to me.

Mommy, you say don't talk to strangers, but why are you talking to the lady at the grocery store or like you know, the guy, the waiter at the restaurant, whoever it is, you know?

Yes, absolutely.

How do we explain that to them?

It's, we actually don't need to explain that to them because it's a very abstract concept.

They actually found out years ago that if a stranger walks to your child and says this, your mother told me to get you and bring you over there.

When you say that to even a 7 year old, your mother, they think, oh, they know my mother.

They don't understand it's a generic term because they are so subjective and still very egocentric that I'm the only one that has a mother.

And if this person says your mother, he must know my mother.

So you can't explain that to kids.

You just need to make sure that wherever they are, they're not.

There's no access to strangers who are going to come to them and say your mother told me to pick you up.

This, you know, like yeah, never.

Your mother is never going to say that to anyone that you don't know.

So that's something very specific.

You will always be picked up by someone you actually do know.

Yeah.

So that will never happen.

So that's one way.

And then the rest, you know what, I send you wherever you are, to places that I know are safe and I trust obviously as much as possible.

Right.

And I supervise and if I'm not there, others are supervising children.

There's always some responsible person, adult who's watching over them.

And that's how you keep them away from danger.

Not by sitting them down and explaining to them the danger out there.

Because once they're faced really forbid with the danger, they Actually don't know what it means and what to do most of the time.

Oh, gosh, that's scary.

You know, scary.

This is why I say it's not about you hovering.

It is conversations you want to have about what is being safe.

Where are you, you know, who's there for you?

Do you know these people, obviously teenagers that are talking to all sorts of people online and they will try and convince you.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

It's a friend of a friend of a friend.

Yeah, no, that's.

There's no.

Three degrees of separations are not good, let alone six.

No, not good at.

Yeah, you actually have to know that person.

Know truly that they do exist in the world.

Who are they?

Their age, their name, their own parents.

Yeah.

That means that you are really talking to somebody who's probably safe.

So yeah, you have to kind of know that.

And these are the conversations.

You're not gonna go with a stranger that tells you that you, you're not going to chit chat with somebody who says, hey, I'm your age and I go to the same, you know, the school next door.

And I know.

Yeah, no, like, do you really?

Right.

Do you really?

I know, I've heard a lot of that.

Like, oh, this friend is a friend of this person and this and that.

And you're right.

Like these separation, I mean, it could go on forever and we just have to be more vigilant, you know, and have that open communication with these kids that I feel like that's sort of the key to like so much of parenting is having the open communication.

Right.

And by the way, not lead with fear and anxiety.

You know, don't.

I mean, once you do that, most kids actually shut down to the information, you're either just scaring them and that's about it.

They're not fully taking in the actual specific information you just gave them, so they're not really able to use that.

So don't lead with fear, panic, anxiety, openness is.

We're going to talk about these things that possibly can happen.

I'm not telling you that that's what it is, but these are the facts and we're going to talk about it comfortably.

Maybe we're going to look at examples, maybe.

And it's not like, oh, I heard so and so and that, you know, yeah, you don't want to pick worst case scenarios kind of stories that's not relevant.

But open conversations, not leading, not being led by fear and anxiety, being like, you can say, you know what, this is a bit scary.

This is a little, it worries me too.

That's being authentic and genuine.

But that's not like, listen, you have to and don't.

And you see the difference.

I'm not telling them I'm scared.

I'm actually acting scared.

And I need to use the words to say, this is a bit nerve wracking.

We might have a lot to say.

Not a lot.

We have maybe some feelings.

Let's just take it one step at a time.

But it needs to happen.

This is important.

So we will have these conversations.

See, this is really good.

I'm like taking so many notes.

I'm like, this is what I have to do.

So let's say we've done all the things, you know, we've had an open line of communication, you know, we've been gentle parenting.

But let's say it has slipped into, you know, more of a permissive style of parenting.

And now the kids are older, let's say they're 10, 12, even 16.

Is there a way to reset boundaries with kids once they've been, you know, I don't want to say programmed, but once they're used to a certain style of our parenting, how do we reset boundaries?

Yeah.

So first the question, can we reset 100%?

We can, even if we're older kids.

And because think about it, the human condition is based in hope and in change and hope for change.

And so we can't take that away from any equation of our life.

We always have to be able to say, yes, of course, of course we've done it this way.

Okay?

We are learning from mistakes.

We are learning as we go.

We are accumulating knowledge, information, experience.

And we are here.

And yes, we are going to do it differently from here on.

And it's not like, oh, again, it's a threat.

Okay, this is it, we're going to do it differently.

There's no threat.

There's more like learning.

It's a learning process.

And when I learn something, I, I gain this insight and that gives me trust or confidence.

Like, oh, wow, I didn't know that and now I do.

And it's a feeling of grounding and that's how we want to deliver.

You know, we've been doing it this way for a long time.

Some of it worked, maybe a lot of it didn't.

We have to change.

And we're going to change and we're going to start here.

And here's how we're going to do it.

What if they push back and they're like, why didn't you do this before, Mom, Why didn't you?

You know, why are we doing it differently now?

What is regret?

Guilt, shame?

Don't we all?

Ah, I should have.

I wish I did.

I mean, again, it's just part of our human experience.

We all have these feelings, they that we can't get away from.

So if I didn't do something right, and here is where I am aware of it and acknowledging it or hearing it from someone else with that, you know, oh, you didn't do it right.

I have to own that too.

I have to accept it.

That's part of the growth.

If I just back off and go or shut down or just feel regret, shame, blame, I'm not going anywhere with it.

I just sit in this poor me kind of puddle.

But if I accept it, and I'm not saying it shouldn't hurt, it does hurt.

Nobody wants to hear you made a mistake or this is, you're right, you're right.

This is why we're here talking about it.

Because I do realize and recognize that I have done this.

And no, it doesn't feel good.

And I do feel guilt and regret, but I also feel hope.

And I also feel there is a way to rise from here.

And again, isn't that what we all in so many ways live for?

Hope, change?

The fact that we can actually get out of chaos or mess or misery or challenges that throw us off or even break us down.

That's such a good point.

You're right.

That is such a good lesson in learning how to be adaptable to your environment and really to grow.

I mean, this is really important because I feel like kids can get so, so, you know, set in their way based on what their parents are doing.

And it's really a great way for kids to learn change, which is such an important lesson for us.

Such an important lesson, absolutely, yes.

And it doesn't end there.

There'll be so many more changes.

And it's okay being open minded.

It doesn't mean you're running around just picking all sorts of stuff to okay, now I'm this, now I'm that.

It's more like being thoughtful about the fact that we do make mistakes and we do need to change or undo some of these mistakes by changing what we're doing.

And that's actually okay.

And you know, I learned this even as a grandma.

Like I, you know, there are moments where I want to say, well, we used to do, and I stopped myself and I go, okay, what was done?

And I kind of pause and go, I can learn from that.

And yes, this is how we did it.

Look at you, you're all fine.

Now.

That's patronizing and dismissive and also blocks me from growth and learning.

So no matter what, there's always room for that, for learning from the accumulation of experiences and knowledge that allow us to take where we are here and move further.

And I love what you're saying about being a grandparent because a lot of the people listening are grandparents, you know, and they've reached that milestone.

So are you doing things differently now as a grandparent than as a parent?

Like, you know, the old adage of, you know, let kids kind of act how they want with their grandparents and spoil them and do all the, you know, the loving things that grandparents want to do and then give them back to the parents.

Is that the right thing to do?

Or how, as a grandparent, like, how should people be navigating that?

So very good question.

I think there's a tiny bit of a difference between me and who I am as a parent and a grandparent because I don't deviate too much from what I preach.

I am who I am throughout as a parent.

I am, you know, the things that I say, not 100% I did exactly that.

Life has changed since then, but the essence.

So I think as a queer parent, I'm probably going to be not like, oh, have all the candy you want and go to bed at midnight.

Sure, fine by me.

I probably wouldn't do that.

But I do often tell children to accept their own parents and bring them in with whoever they are and however they are, because that extended family, the village, the diversity that children are exposed to just by watching their own family members differ from one another, parents from grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins and so on, other types of families, it's all actually beneficial.

So maybe I will be somewhat a little closer to who I am just because this is who I am.

And there are many grandparents like that.

They were teachers, they were therapists.

They were.

Or this is just who they were as parents.

But if you feel like, you know, I just talked to a family like that yesterday, where we live with our parents now because we just had a baby and we have a toddler and it's chaotic and.

And we don't want to give kid.

We don't want to give our kids candy.

But our son constantly is asking, and grandma has, you know, I mean, cupboards full of candy, and of course she gives and I said, I say let it be.

Truly let it be.

Especially because you're living there.

It's better to just say, you know, he comes to you, but Grandma gave me.

And you're like, yeah, Grandma gave you.

And that's actually okay.

No, we're not giving you another piece of cookie.

No.

Or candy.

But Grandma does.

It's true.

And again, better to live in peace with all these pieces as opposed to constantly find ways to have friction with them.

That's such a good point.

That's such a good point.

It's like some things you just have to let be and let the control go.

Yes.

And the benefits, you know, I understand all the too much sugar and they're, you know, and we don't want to give them all that.

But the benefit or the disadvantage of the more sugar your son or your daughter are having when they're at Grandma's.

Those disadvantages don't stand for the advantages and the benefits they do have or get from being with grandma.

So let that go.

Let that go.

Right.

Or just let it go.

It's hard, but let it go.

Let it go.

Absolutely.

You know, along the lines of grandparents and loved ones.

You know, a lot of us, especially in midlife, are not only parenting our own children, but we're in some ways parenting our parents.

You know, as they get older, we're starting to lose so many of them.

Loved ones.

You know, as you know, I recently lost my father.

Thank you.

It's terrible.

And so, yes, I age.

It doesn't matter what age you are.

You're still someone's daughter.

Someone's child.

Yeah, it's true.

That never leaves, I feel like.

But, you know, I was.

My daughter was with me as we were going through this experience of, you know, the final days and weeks with my father.

So she really saw it firsthand for herself.

And so I guess my question is, like, how do we explain death and grief and.

And things like that to our kids when they're actually, you know, processing it along with us?

And how do we not impose our, you know, views of that on them and have them.

Let them have their experience?

Yeah.

These emo.

Any emotions are relevant no matter what.

And emotions around grief loss are extremely relevant.

And we want to model that these emotions that we're feeling are 100% the right emotions to feel so we don't have to be melodramatic or hysteria.

I mean, hysteric or panicky or out of control, but we definitely want to be genuine.

Loss is sad.

And there are even times it's tragic, right?

Not every loss is a tragedy, but it's always sad.

There's a difference.

And we want to help our children almost like mirror those emotions in us so we can be genuine again.

We're not falling apart even when we do fall apart.

But not indefinitely or completely.

Right.

I'm not broken in front of my child because I want to show them that we are resilient and we can cope.

But the fact that I can cry or be sad or even have moments where, yeah, I can't talk or I can share or I can't do, it's okay.

I'll be okay.

We are okay.

A lot of times that's the foundation, not, oh, everything's okay, or just really being immersed in it.

We are okay.

We're going to be okay.

But right now we're not.

And that's okay, too, because we're not supposed to imagine, don't be sad.

Don't be scared.

No, imagine something is scaring you or you're not supposed to feel that emotion.

And when there's loss and grief, you're not supposed to be sad.

What are you then supposed to be if not sad?

So accepting emotions, mirroring, reflecting back to them what is relevant to feel right now and also being in this together.

And I think often we obviously, depending on circumstances, celebrating life and the life of this person.

Right.

It's not just, you know, a Hallmark statement celebrate, you know, it's true.

You want to be able to celebrate, in spite of the loss, this person's life, and you want to let your children know that it's okay to also remember funny things, joke about it, bring up even, you know, silly stuff.

And at the same time that we're grieving and feeling sad, life around us still does go on and we're part of it.

So if suddenly I'm, oh, my God, this is the best ice cream ever, and I just said it, but, oh, no, like, yeah, I can say that in spite of other emotions that are going on, it's okay.

You know, the thing I've learned the most is grief isn't linear.

You know, it's kind of one of those things where it's day by day and hour by hour, even at times,.

And you can't predict exactly how you're going to feel.

So you have to be open to it, you have to be accepting, and you have to understand, grief is real.

I'm going to have a lot of real emotions about it of all kinds.

That's okay.

That's actually the right Thing.

Yes.

Okay.

So I should just take it as it comes.

And then with her as well, you know, encourage her to kind of feel the feelings and.

Because I feel like she, you know, she obviously probably doesn't like to be sad, but if it comes, it comes,.

It comes, it comes.

And at the same time, if she's laughing with her best friend or she's worried about whatever, you know, she's wearing or her clothes, that's okay, too.

It's not one or the other.

We are made of so many layers, and a lot of times these layers definitely live side by side.

As long as we are aware of them, we're not denying or ignoring whichever one, that's okay.

This is being well rounded.

You know, I definitely fell apart, especially in those first few days after.

Absolutely.

Around the funeral and everything.

But I feel bad because she did see me in those moments, you know, where I was, like, bawling and, you know, was really saying goodbye to him, basically.

You know, and it just, you know, I feel like there's a part of me that feels a little guilt for maybe not, you know, trying to pull it together quicker.

But I don't really know if I could have, you know, or should have.

You see, that's kind of.

Because you can always go back.

See, what you just said was extremely genuine.

You were telling me how you felt back then.

What are you supposed to do?

Cover it up?

Pretend it's not?

Children are instinctual and actually very authentic most of the time.

And so we want to show them authenticity.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

While they actually know in their instincts, I'm not fine, but also they know you're not supposed to be fine, so why are you acting fine?

And that's more confusing than, wow, my mom is really having a hard time.

And that's what's happening right now.

Maybe it's a little scary.

I'm not really sure.

Should I do something?

Can I do something as the adult?

As a parent, you can always go back and talk about it.

I did fall apart.

Wow.

How did that feel to you?

What were you.

Oh, I don't know.

It was a bit confusing.

Right.

I just want to let you know, when we are in grief, we.

We experience loss.

There's no right or wrong.

There's really no.

Nobody can say, oh, no, you shouldn't feel that or you shouldn't act.

I mean, as long as it's within.

Again, not hysteria or melodrama, which only really externalizes emotions, doesn't necessarily express them authentically.

It's like a big show that's on the outskirts of authenticity.

Let's go back to authentic emotions that can be shown, communicated, present, very important, I think.

Okay, that's good to know.

I'm like, now I feel better about it because I wasn't sure, you know, I wasn't sure if I was scarring her, like, you know, emotionally, you know, burdening her in that way.

But that definitely reassures me.

I mean, authenticity really rules everything.

I mean, it's mostly what we should be.

And it's always hard work.

And like you say, you feel a little guilt now you are thinking back.

Talk to her about it again.

Not necessarily taking it all back, but compartmentalizing it.

Can we talk about.

I have some feelings about the way I acted and I'm not really sure how it felt to you.

I'd love to hear from you.

I just want you to know.

Yeah, I fell apart.

There's no hiding it.

It's okay.

But you can talk about it if you feel you are lingering some guilt.

Okay.

We do not have to be perfect.

That's no.

Yes, we actually are not perfect.

That's rinley that the choice.

It is.

It's like.

Yeah, it's like a glaring light, you know, if that didn't remind, you know, all of us.

So I love the book, by the way.

I want to show everybody you are the parents.

This is wonderful.

It's coming out.

September 9th is a eighth.

Eighth.

September 8th.

Very excited.

So everyone should pick it up.

But why was this book so timely right now?

Why do you think that parents needed it at this very moment?

Yeah, because I think we are parents are in the thick of the family chaos.

And I think that this is why we need it again.

You know, if we go back to where we started, we've gone too far into what we permit and allow and accept and misunderstand mainly.

And that's.

That created so much confusion.

And I want to bring order.

You know, let's just organize this chaos because yeah, we can't live in chaos.

It's who's leading who, who's to decide what to decide.

What are emotions, what are functions, what is going on, what you know, what is respecting kids and letting them, giving them choices.

What is not taking it all back conditioning.

Like, wow, there's so much confusion.

I really do feel that I put.

I organize it.

It's like, let's just kind of reset.

But not just reset, like really put things in an order.

And some things we can already kind of throw out.

Not everything has to be here.

Right, I know.

And speaking of all your amazing tips, because you truly, truly, truly do, is there one tip that really stands out as something you hope that parents would take away and use the next time they have a difficult moment with their child?

I would say it boils down a lot to Validation is not always accommodation.

How you feel is me is for me to be present, reflect, contain, accept, and not necessarily take away and fix and give you the next best thing so you don't feel that.

So you validate.

Wow, you're having a hard time.

So here I'm going to do this.

So how about that?

Like we throw in all these advice and suggestions.

They're basically fixes in the moment.

Validate.

I see you're having a hard time.

Yeah, this is very hard.

Yeah.

And notice this, I'm not saying much more, I'm just kind of pausing.

We're in this.

There's no need to rush or run away or avoid or fix it.

Take it away.

Challenges, conflicts of life are extremely important in order for us to build any kind of coping skills, life skills, resilience, we need the friction, we need the conflict.

Think about you're punching air, you're not building muscles.

You got to punch something that gives you that feedback in order for you to actually build strength.

So validation does not always mean accommodation.

And you are not there to solve your child's problems because they come up with endless problems.

Children can come up with problems that are very subject, can't find my shoe or I hate this or you know, I don't want to go to school.

Anything is a problem and you immediately jump in to sort it, to fix it, to lecture to.

No, this is a problem your child just came up with.

It's not a real problem.

It is real for them, but it's not an actual problem.

Right.

There's a hurdle in, you know, whatever, a bump in the road and I can't go, no, this is something I made up.

So as a child, I also need to be the problem solver.

Not just, here's my problem, take it, fix it for me, give it back.

All nice, dry cleaned.

Yeah.

Pretty package.

Yes.

No, it's.

So once again, you validate, you don't accommodate and you allow your child, you accept their problem.

I'm here, I hear you.

What do you want to do about it?

They have to be the problem solvers as well, especially about problems that they make up.

Yes, I've heard a lot of those.

That are based on their wants and not want or right.

It's very subjective.

It's again and again, it's something that you.

I'm bored.

I.

You know all that stuff.

How about I'm bored.

That's what I heard all summer long.

What do we say to I'm bored?

I am bored.

Notice this.

This.

It's so deceiving.

I'm bored.

And it immediately feels like a real problem that you have to somehow take away from your child, make it all better.

And what do we do?

You have so much to do.

Why don't you do this, do that?

No, no, no.

You know why?

Because boredom is so personal and so subjective that no one but me can actually fix it.

Because boredom doesn't really exist in the real world.

It only exists inside me.

So how can you fix something that is so personal and subjective and you cannot actually take away from me?

So, okay, back to validating.

You are.

Yeah, must be a problem.

I totally get it.

Yeah.

It doesn't feel good to be bored.

Or maybe it's not that terrible.

We all feel bored.

But your boredom.

My boredom's not the same.

That's why.

What do you want to do?

I don't know.

You know, there's always.

Because we jump into, okay, so let's go.

Let's do a why don't you.

And we don't need to do anything about boredom, but sit in it.

It's another emotion that comes and goes.

And if I sit with my boredom, most likely I get the best ideas.

It's true.

That's when creativity happens, right?

Yes.

Don't take boredom away from your child.

Don't.

I'm telling you.

I know it's hard when they come to you with this.

I'm bored.

And literally, as if they're saying, what are you gonna do about it?

I'm like, by the way, no, I'm not gonna do anything.

Thank you for telling me.

I always want to know.

But, yeah, no, what are you gonna do about it?

Right, Right.

You're like, you could do a variety of things.

It's up to you.

Because they're always gonna by kind of shut you out and.

Yes.

No, no, no.

And we then go into, you have so many things, and I buy you.

And I take you.

Yes.

And I'm like, oh, my God.

This is like a Never ending.

It'll go down the list.

Yes, right there.

It's a problem subject, personal.

You cannot take it away.

You validate, you don't accommodate.

You stop.

You are there.

I'm present.

I hear you, I see you.

Yeah.

But it's up to you, sweetie, to do whatever you want with that boredom,.

As long as it's not a screen.

Well, I can say boundaries.

Okay, so I'm gonna watch tv so I can then say, yeah, no.

So my.

My final word or my boundaries.

Absolutely can still be there.

So I want to go here.

So take me there.

So buy me.

So if I only had this.

All my friends have it.

Best excuse.

Non real one, by the way.

All teenagers and sometimes even younger kids come up with that, and it's very intimidating because we don't want them to feel left out.

It's not true.

They don't know what their friends have.

Maybe one friend has that, not all of them, anyway.

Yeah.

You don't want to take it away, and you don't want to jump in feeling guilty or shame or immediately needing to do something about it.

You just want to acknowledge and validate and then let them struggle.

This is a good example.

I know.

Would you struggle?

Appropriate struggle.

Exactly.

Appropriate struggle.

And what is that line?

What is.

What's the not appropriate struggle?

I mean, real suffering, pain, misery.

I mean, boredom is not okay.

She's like, it's such a struggle.

Right, Exactly.

That's drama and melodrama.

I have to prove to you and show you in all these ways.

Yeah, exactly.

My children, like, you know, lots of other thoughts and feelings that I have are really just mine.

And somehow I have to figure out a way out of them.

They're not.

Real misery, real challenge.

There are real challenges in life.

And even then, we want kind of know which one of all of that is for me to help my child, and at what point they need to also help themselves.

Help themselves.

That's true.

They have to have some sort of a, you know, go through the struggle, but then figure out solutions.

Absolutely right.

Life is not everything you give your child.

Life is actually eventually what they do with it.

And it is a lot about the skill building that they have.

That's what you want to give them.

It's not the best solution.

School and the best extracurricular, the best bedroom and the best.

I mean, all of that is wonderful.

If you can and this is what you want to do, go for it.

But don't assume that this is what creates your child's life for them when they're out there faced with challenges that none of us can predict.

What you can is equip them with the skills and the ability to navigate challenges.

This is hard, but I can do it, or I know where to turn or who to turn to.

I know What I'm supposed to do as opposed to what am I doing now?

Like, mom, where are you?

Mom, dad?

Like, yeah.

So, yes, that's the foundation of being able to thrive in life.

It's the skills that you have that can help you navigate the challenges that are going to be there that no parent, none of us, we don't know.

But at least if I send you out there to the jungle, I know that I taught you, you got the muscles, you are equipped with the right sort of like internal resilience and skills and abilities to face whatever you are going to need to face comes your way.

That's absolutely true.

Well, Dr. Sticky, it has been such a pleasure to talk to you.

You are just, you're like my parenting guru.

I mean, anytime I have a question, I feel like I'm looking through your social media or book or something.

So I truly appreciate it.

Dr. Sagi, your advice is gold for parents.

I mean, everybody please pick up this book.

It's coming out September 8th.

And I just thank you so much, Dr. Sige, for joining me today.

Please remind everybody where they can find you on social media and your websites.

Yes.

So all of that, obviously all of over social media.

I think our main one is Instagram, but you can find us anywhere.

We have Our own website, DrSigi.com Lots of information there about the book and about lots of other stuff.

Our courses.

And the book is available for pre order, which makes a big difference.

I'm not trying to sell it or push it on you.

You should, because if you mean to buy, don't wait until the 8th.

You can buy now.

You're not being charged, by the way, until the day that it actually is coming out and sent to you.

So you can just click to pre order.

It helps the book, but otherwise, if you want it, it's available.

Yes.

And please follow Dr. Siggy on Instagram.

She has the best videos.

They're very quick.

You can get the answer you need right away.

And a million plus people follow her so she knows what she's talking about.

All right, Dr. Siggy, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Oxy.

Thank you so much for this, Dr. Siggy.

Thank you.

I think one of my biggest takeaways from this conversation is that being a good parent doesn't mean making sure our kids are happy with us all the time.

We can validate their feelings, let them be disappointed, angry or sad and still hold the boundary.

And I especially appreciate what Dr. Siggy shared about grief.

As parents, we so often feel like we need to have the perfect words or somehow make the pain better for our children, when sometimes what they really need is permission to feel whatever they're feeling and to know we can handle those feelings alongside them.

A big thank you to Dr. Sige for joining me today, and be sure to come back on Thursday for Dr. Siggy's bonus game episode.

And for everyone listening, download this episode so you can come back to it the next time parenting gets complicated, which will probably be sometime later today.

And make sure you're subscribed to the Iconic Midlife so you don't miss what's coming next.

You can also follow the show on social media.

Heconicmedlife and me, redcarpetroxy I'm Roxie Manning and I'll see you next time on the Iconic Midlife.