"When you spend 30 years searching for someone that becomes part of your identity”

Walter Hubley spent three decades searching for his birth family and trying to understand his heritage. 

Business psychologist and executive coach Hazel Showell explores how more often than not what you’re looking for is what you’ll find. In this episode, you’ll hear the secret to accepting whatever it is that you find. 

Walter always knew he was adopted, but a nagging feeling sent him into a search to find his place in the world. Walter would spend three decades on a search that takes him around the world. Along the way, Walter had to come to terms with what would happen if his search didn’t pay off and how he’d fit into his biological family.

You can read Hazel’s accompanying blog for this episode here. 

You can also download the acceptance worksheet here.

And you can download the family systems worksheet here

More from Hazel: 

Visit her website: Just Hazel

Or connect on: LinkedIn

[00:00:23] Walter: When you spend 31 years searching for someone, That almost [00:00:30] becomes part of, in a way, your identity and who you are.

[00:00:36] Hazel: In this episode, I'm speaking to Walter Hubley. who spent the best part of 30 years searching for his biological family. [00:00:45] This is a story of identity, of what it means to belong in a family, how you define family. And after you hear from Walter, I'll explain why.

[00:01:05] Walter: I was born to a young unwed mother who, uh, unfortunately was in a circumstance where she didn't have the support or [00:01:15] capability to care for me. So I was placed into the New England Home for Little Wanderers, which is, uh, I believe one of the oldest, originally started as an orphanage in the United States.

[00:01:40] Hazel: The fact that Walter was adopted was something that he knew from the beginning. It was part of [00:01:45] everyday life. As he got older, Walter became curious about who his biological family were.

[00:02:29] Hazel: Walter [00:02:30] decided that he wanted to find some answers to the questions he was being asked about his background and heritage. On his 18th birthday his older sister was able to give him just some information to start with and from there he [00:02:45] started reading books on how to locate people, he was able to find some information by petitioning the courts. And after five years of sleuthing came a major breakthrough. He found his maternal grandfather.

[00:03:40] Walter: You know, it was a challenging situation, but. Yeah.

[00:03:47] Walter: I guess I, I did my best going into it, not to set too many expectations, but that said, it was, you know, fairly terse conversation to say the least. So, um, but a few days [00:04:00] later I ended up getting a phone call and it was my biological mother and we, uh, you know, we had a conversation and, and in that conversation. You know, we talked about our current situation, where we were and, and then we [00:04:15] sort of said, you know, she said, well, you know, what, what are your expectations? And I said, you know, I just thought we could get to know each other. And if we both felt like we were someone we could call friends, then I'd like to be friends.

[00:05:19] Walter: So I had their contact information pretty much from the start of when we started communicating. And, um, I guess after 10 years, I decided. That I'm just going to reach out directly to them. [00:05:30] And it was a tough decision to make. And it was one of those situations where you dial the phone number almost about 15 times without that last digit thinking, am I really going to do this? And

[00:05:41] Walter: and so I did and I contacted my sister. [00:05:45] Uh, first, and then her and I, you know, started communicating and she actually told me, she said, I kind of, she goes, I think I called her and said, you know, I, you don't know who this is, but you know, my name is Walter and I'm wanting to reach out to, and she said, I kind of think [00:06:00] I know who this is. I thought that was interesting. And, and I said, I explained who I was and she said, yeah, my mom mentioned this years ago, but, and mentioned your name, but I never got your full name or, or any other information than that. [00:06:15] And she said, but my brother doesn't know yet. And so her and I, I went down to visit her and.Yeah, her and I have a, you know, I had started a really good relationship and it was a, it was a very interesting experience. I should also maybe go back [00:06:30] and say that, um, amidst my letters and, and phone calls with my birth mother, I did get on a visit one time. So I took a road trip and it was around then when I took the road trip down to go meet her for the first time, I [00:06:45] actually felt like I had to explain to my parents that I had located her just to, you know, cause I hadn't really gone on a road trip like that before.

[00:07:11] Hazel: That's huge hearted.

[00:07:14] Hazel: [00:07:15] So you started to build a relationship with your sister. What happened with your brother?

[00:07:43] Walter: So I live in Quincy, [00:07:45] Massachusetts, and. They were all traveling up to Quincy, Massachusetts to attend a wedding on a Saturday night. They were going to be staying a mile from my house at a hotel. Ironically, [00:08:00] this is the same hotel where my wife and I were heading out to a wedding of one of her friends and we were scheduled to drop off the bride and groom at the same hotel right around the time that they were going to be Getting back from their wedding. So there were two weddings happening on the same day [00:08:15] that we were all attending and we were all destined to be in the lobby of the same hotel at about the same time. And given that situation, my sister's then husband, um, just decided to take my brother aside and just tell him. That you have a brother, he lives [00:08:30] here in Quincy and he wants to meet you. I understand he was, you know, a bit surprised, which anyone would be.

[00:08:38] Walter: And, and then, but we ended up arranging, uh, to spend the day together the next day while they were still in town and before they had to head out. [00:08:45] So, uh. Yeah, it was quite an experience getting to know everybody. I mean,

[00:08:51] Walter: Yeah, I mean, we haven't been hard about whether or not to make the connection, because, you know, we wanted to give my birth mother a little more time to [00:09:00] consider it, but then when that circumstance came up, you know, things just happened. That's how it came together.

[00:09:14] Walter: Yeah, I [00:09:15] mean people around me kept saying you should just contact them like just just contact them it's never gonna happen and I just wanted to give it time and be respectful and But then it hit a point where I started to think about all the time that was passing by and the opportunities that were passing [00:09:30] by And in fact, my sister and I, because we both, you know, realized how much time went by and things that we missed. We have a, uh, a day every year where we wish each other happy me and you day. And this is [00:09:45] to, you know, kind of make up for the other occasions that we lost.

[00:10:03] Hazel: So, what about then finding your dad?

[00:11:58] Walter: So unfortunately that didn't yield very [00:12:00] much. I'll tell you, I, I. Hired private investigators. I went through the military's locator services and tried to get a forward, a letter to him. I searched every military database I could find online and, [00:12:15] and actually got to the point where I was making cold calls just to people who had the same name and approximate age and similar, you know, military experience. And sent letters and did all kinds of things just trying to track him down and to no avail. He had a very common name. And so that further complicated things.

[00:12:39] Walter: Yeah, yeah. I would say that point was Just a few years before I did, [00:12:45] and I started to wrestle with the idea that I may never be able to, to locate him and the rest of my family as time went by. And, um, yeah, so over, over the years of just not [00:13:00] being able to get anywhere, it was a little, little frustrating and a little disappointing. I did try a DNA test years ago here in the States and the, it didn't yield very much. I, it came up with a few third cousins and [00:13:15] some distant relatives and so forth. And so I, I thought I had explored that path sufficiently as well. Uh, but I had at some point kind of figured it, I didn't really stop looking, but it made it very difficult to keep going.

[00:13:33] Walter: Well I just, I kind of, I started seeing advertisements for other DNA and ancestry type. websites and databases and, and just thought, Hey, you know, it's not a ton of money, [00:13:45] so why not just give it a shot? Yeah. I didn't expect it to yield much and just

[00:13:51] Walter: Yeah. Yeah. And so I just gave it a shot and, um, was waiting and. That eventually got the results back and lo and [00:14:00] behold, there was a first cousin that popped up on the list and this first cousin had a, what I would say is a fairly distinct name. And so I did a quick search online and found that she has a Uh, [00:14:15] consulting company in, in England and, and immediately search the website and found her assistant's name and sent off an email basically indicating that I'd been in a search for somebody for about 31 years. And, and that this [00:14:30] person's name came up in my search and was hoping to be connected up with them. So I could, uh, you know, they could possibly help me in my search and provide a little information about myself. So they, you know, the person, their assistant knew that I, you know, it wasn't just kind of scamming or trolling or [00:14:45] anything like that. And, um, and then I call during when I woke up the next day, I tried calling the number that I found on the website and got in touch with her assistant and her assistant said, yep, I got your email. And, uh, [00:15:00] unfortunately she's on holiday. So I forwarded it off to her and, and, uh, you know, she'll get back to you if she can.

[00:15:54] Walter: Well, it's, it's hard to describe when you spend 31 years [00:16:00] searching for someone that almost becomes part of, in a way, your identity and who you are. I'm someone searching for someone. And now suddenly to get to the point where you might actually be near the end of the search that you [00:16:15] had just previously You know, kind of resigned yourself to it may never happening. It's a bit overwhelming and I appreciate very much, you know, how gracious you were in accepting my communication and responding to my communication and, [00:16:30] and just being so immediately welcoming, uh, I got very optimistic. About, you know, things coming to a final conclusion. And I just remember immediately calling my wife going, you're not going to believe what just happened.And I think I'm [00:16:45] very close. And, think honestly, none of us kind of knew what to think about it. It's just been so long. Searching.

[00:17:10] Walter: So we, initially we communicated over email and [00:17:15] I think I kind of preferred that because, you know, going into this, uh, both when finding my birth mother and my birth father. I really wanted, I knew that it was quite possibly quite likely to be a [00:17:30] bit of a disruption in some way to someone's life.

[00:17:52] Walter: And so we communicated over the course of a couple of weeks over email, really just trying to firm up what [00:18:00] we believed, what, what I believed to be true. Uh, and he was very welcoming in it. And, and I learned that he immediately told his family and immediately told everybody and it, it was great. Word spread pretty quickly, but we both agreed that we would do a [00:18:15] person to person DNA test just to firm it up because again, very common name and big family and so forth. So, uh, we did that and he wrote that he would call me on once he got the results. Either way, we would talk on the phone. [00:18:30] And so I remember I, at the time my wife was working nearby at a dentist office. And I like to stop by during my lunchtime and bring her a coffee or something and visit with her. And I was in the way to, in the lobby [00:18:45] of the dentist office when I got the phone call. And when he called, he said, uh, you know, the test came back. It's good to talk to you, you know, on the phone. Uh, and I want to let you know that it's, you know, something like 99. 998 percent [00:19:00] positive that, you know, you're my son. And, um, and he, and he first, the first thing he said was, how are you feeling? How are you doing?

[00:19:28] Walter: And so we had video [00:19:30] calls once a week and just spent about an hour and a half. Or so on each call, just getting to know each other and asking questions. And, um, you know, I had some questions around the, the scenario and the situation [00:19:45] and it, and what he told me very much lined up with what I was told. And I had learned over time and, um, yeah, I mean, I was glad I was able to find him and give him the opportunity to decide to what [00:20:00] extent he wanted to, you know, have the relationship and, um, It's frankly been a, a very, a very amazing, quite frankly, amazing experience.

[00:20:42] Hazel: Spooky, isn't it? Really? All those [00:20:45] layers of, of learned values and behaviors that you clearly share with your adoptive parents, the parents who raised you versus the DNA, the kind of inescapable family of where you belong.

[00:21:17] Hazel: Well, you know, and it shows this is the complexity of families and families, however they're constructed. Um, what I particularly noticed when you talk is that, you know, you talk about the, brothers and sisters [00:21:30] you're raised with are just as much your siblings, your brothers and sisters, as your, um, half siblings from, on your mum's side and also on your dad's. So you've, you've suddenly acquired all these extra, extra siblings. How, how has that been?

[00:22:38] Walter: And in fact, we, for years, we're vacationing together and we're visiting each other and, and they did, [00:22:45] uh, one of them just recently came up. Um, my siblings, dad came up and spent a couple of days, spent a week at our house while visiting New England. And, uh, it's been a really, a really great experience and likewise. So, and on my birth father's side, [00:23:00] I have three siblings. So my dad, David Hughes, him and his wife, Alison adopted a son and. Then a few years later, had two, two girls. So I have a brother and two sisters over in England. [00:23:15] And then of course yourself and the rest of the rest of the family.

[00:23:23] Walter: You mentioned earlier that. I was the way I was very, you know, cautious and respectful and discreet. [00:23:30] And that was out of just an abundance of caution, realizing that while this was something I wanted to do, that it was no doubt going to be disruptive to other people. So I was constantly fixated on how do I accomplish what [00:23:45] I want to do? And what I want to accomplish while minimizing negative potential negative impact that it could have on other people's lives. And in particular, I didn't know if my biological father was married, if you know, [00:24:00] had kids and didn't know his family situation. And so I wanted to make sure that I got to him.

[00:24:29] Walter: In [00:24:30] particular, I think in general, what surprised me the most was how, um, welcoming and accepting that my biological father, my dad's family was, I was just, [00:24:45] I think it's, it's not because I didn't expect people to be. Accepting or kind, I just always focused on trying to not be disruptive or to be a problem and it was an incredible relief when I was accepted so well [00:25:00] and, you know, I would say in particular, um, so my dad's married to a very wonderful woman, Allison, and, um, Um, it actually took me some time to kind of process that relationship because she was among the people that I [00:25:15] was sort of most concerned about not being disruptive to, but I have to tell you, she has just been amazingly kind and accepting and. Just that experience, you know, [00:25:30] I was I was experiencing this this person in this building this relationship and every time every so often I found I had to excuse myself from the room just to kind of process how I was feeling and really what I was feeling was just being really accepted and really [00:25:45] welcomed and Knowing her, like I know her now, I shouldn't have been surprised had I known the kind of person she is, um, but that, that is the relationship that's kind of, uh, surprised me the most and, um, and I'm very [00:26:00] thankful for it.

[00:27:01] Hazel: All right, Uncle David.

[00:27:16] Hazel: Isn't it amazing after the things that can become the focus after so many years of these big almost existential questions, and then it's almost how you come to terms with having the answers and [00:27:30] figuring out that you were absolutely welcomed and wanted and missed without knowing you were missing. It's, it's a, it's an interesting point and that's the bit where.

[00:28:04] Hazel: Can I explore whether that might be true and be okay that you are risking your heart. you're risking somebody, even if it's true, not being able [00:28:15] to process it. I think, thank goodness you had a fantastic end to your story in terms of the, the end of your search. I mean, hopefully a whole new beginning about figuring out your [00:28:30] slightly chatty and also thoughtful members of your family over here in the UK.

[00:28:39] Walter: Yeah. And, and it's, uh, it's been an opportunity to learn a lot. You [00:28:45] know, I'm beyond the, you know, the surface level learnings of, you know, culture over in England and learning how to actually use a kettle for a proper cup and, and different things like that.

[00:28:59] Hazel: I know. [00:29:00] No, I won't. A cup of tea.

[00:29:04] Hazel: So that's my final question, I suppose, is through this process or through this experience. What do you feel you've learned about yourself?

[00:29:50] Walter: And likewise, you know, families are exponentially more complicated and,all of them are, every family has their [00:30:00] intricacies and it's, it's all gets a little messy at times. And you really can't know from the outside looking in, you know, what their experience is. And, and getting back to sort of like the nature versus nurture thing. I mean, I [00:30:15] remember growing up and having that be a question of, you know, are things nature versus nurture? You know, I, I think the, uh, blank slate social constructionists have it all wrong, but the one thing they have right is that your cultural [00:30:30] situation and your nurturing plays a role, but it plays off of nature. And so they're an interaction. And I think to the quick, to the answer to the question of nature versus nurture is yes.

[00:31:15] Walter: It's been, it's been a, uh, amazing experience and I think I, I'm still processing it pretty much every day and every conversation I have and learning more and yeah, I mean, I also, you [00:31:30] know, it affirmed to me that. You know, pardon the pun, but you find what you're looking for. And when I think about how I went into it and some of the preconceived notions that I had, you know, you, you can easily find what you're looking for. If [00:31:45] you go into it. With an open mind and hoping for good things, you will often find good things.

[00:32:36] Hazel: Great outcome, but my, my goodness, a search and I'm not surprised. This will take a lot of processing, but that's, [00:32:45] that's why I loved having you on this show. Thank you. Thank you for your time.

[00:32:58] Hazel: So Walter talked [00:33:00] about finding what you look for and that reminded me of the basics of CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, because it's not what happens That creates the emotion. It's how you think about it. The [00:33:15] example I often give is if you are waiting for a really important interview and you don't sleep very well. So you wake up late, you've missed your train and suddenly you're standing on the train platform, a hot, sweaty mess thinking, Oh my [00:33:30] God, they're going to think I'm ridiculous. I'm really unprofessional. I'm so embarrassed. And you arrive there as a hot, sweaty mess. And of course, if people ask you, why are you upset?

[00:34:23] Hazel: And that's all you can control and hope people meet you in the same spirit. and accept if they don't. [00:34:30] I talk about acceptance in Philip Dyer's episode, but Walter takes it further by thinking about the perceptions of the other people involved, the family who raised him, and the extended families of his biological parents.[00:34:45]

[00:35:30] Hazel: He didn't insist on connection. He offered choice and as a family, we chose the conversation we had when I first asked Walter to tell his story was he asked, well, what's the ending? Cause this all seems really positive. [00:35:45] It's a start, but of course something always ends to create a start. And for him, it was the end of searching. I also suggested it was the end of being missing, which I think blew his mind a bit, took him a while to think about it, [00:36:00] because he'd only ever thought of himself as someone asking to join a family, careful not to upset the dynamic. Now, as a systemic coach, we see things differently. Every system you've ever belonged to gives and requires something of you. You're changed by each one as you move from one to another. Each school Church, club, job, but the one system you cannot leave is your family of origin. We imagine systems that you [00:36:30] belong to, like the feather in the tail of a peacock. When you really know yourself, you can bring that tail up behind you and you can use it in threat or to lean into it for resources, but it is beautiful.

[00:37:41] Hazel: So whether we knew it or not. Whether we did or not, [00:37:45] he was always part of my family's system. He was missing from it, and now he's not. And I'm looking forward to getting to know him better. But I know that not everyone gets to know, or has the motivation and skills [00:38:00] to track down information for over 30 years. Some people get worried about what they'll discover. All's I can say is, just remember, it means nothing about you. What you do with what was given to you, what you [00:38:15] do with what was done to you is your choice. And yes, there are some aspects of genetics that are harder to shake that are part of us, but they are just part of us. And if you [00:38:30] recognize that you have still been given the gift of life, and in some families, the cost of passing on life is very high. So again, all I can say is don't waste it.[00:38:45]

[00:39:16] Hazel: It might help you to find the acceptance you need. In each of the systems you've been part of, and I won't ask for your details to get it. If you need it, you can have it. Click the link in a show notes to [00:39:30] download your worksheet. Now, if you'd like a copy, and finally, if you know somebody who might benefit from hearing about someone reaching the end of a long search. To find out about themselves, then do share this episode with them. [00:39:45] I'm Hazel Showell, and I hope you'll join me again for another episode of Endings.