“The unshaming process is bringing out into the forefront all of that stuff that we're telling ourselves, because shame is really saying that there's something wrong with me. By naming it out loud, we're taking all of the wind out of its sails.” –Kamini Wood
Are you holding yourself back without even realizing it? I’m really excited to talk with Kamini Wood, a certified life coach, about limiting beliefs. She shows us how to reign in people pleasing and perfectionism and overcome the beliefs we have that hold us back.
We see a lot of people pleasing and perfectionism in the PlanSimple community, so we started there. Kamini says that overcoming people pleasing starts with getting clear about your needs and values. When you’ve reconnected with that you can begin to realign your actions and step out of the people pleasing role.
Then pay attention to your body. It may take a little time to learn your own cues, but notice what happens when you start people pleasing. Practice self-talk to see what’s happening and what you really want. Kamini recommends actually talking aloud to yourself. It feels weird at first, but it’s important.
We talk about:
- Perfectionism and “next-ing”
- Separating out values you were brought up with to what is really meaningful to you now
- Why we avoid boundaries … and why we need them
- Learning how to hold boundaries (it’s something we need to learn!)
- Shaming ourselves and the unshaming process
- Helping kids navigate perfectionism and people pleasing
ABOUT KAMINI
Kamini Wood, a certified life coach, helps high-achievers heal their relationships with themselves. She helps people take courageous steps in identifying limiting beliefs, reasons for stagnation and overcoming self-doubt in order to live a fulling professional and personal life.
Kamini is a best-selling author; holding certifications in various modalities including life, wellness, high-performance coaching, teen life, conscious uncoupling, calling in the one, new money story, breath work, meditation and diversity, equity inclusion, and belonging. She is also trained in conscious parenting and coaching for children.
LINKS
DOABLE CHANGES
At the end of every episode, we share three doable changes, so you can take what you've heard and put it into action. Action is where change happens.
Even though we want big change, it’s really little things done over and over that make the difference. So pick a doable thing. Put it in your calendar. Weave it through your days for a week and then move on to the next one. It will have a snowball effect.
Here are three Doable Changes from this conversation:
- IDENTIFY YOUR NEEDS. The first step to break out of people pleasing is to recognize your own needs and values. Take some time to think about what you actually need, believe and value yourself. This can be an ongoing process. You can start by asking yourself questions like: What’s going on here? Is this something you actually want to do? Is this really what you agree with? Pay attention to values you were brought up with. Ask if they fit you now.
- SET AND KEEP BOUNDARIES. You can set and keep boundaries with others and with yourself. It’s helpful when setting boundaries to ask: Why am I setting this boundary? What is the value I have in this boundary? Why is this meaningful to me? Knowing that can help you hold firm when things get rough. Even if you fail to hold firm on a boundary, you can try again.
- TALK TO YOURSELF. Kamini recommends actually talking aloud to yourself. When you say aloud the things you say to yourself in your head, you hear them and realize they are not okay. At the same time, when you say a boundary aloud, you are witnessing it for yourself. Practice talking aloud to yourself.
