Grief isn’t always about what we’ve had and lost – sometimes, it’s about what we never got to have. The versions of ourselves that didn’t get to grow.

The lives we might have lived under different circumstances.

This short reflection explores the quiet ache of wondering who you could have been – if a relationship had lasted, if a dream had taken root, if life had unfolded differently.

It’s the kind of grief that’s often invisible, but deeply valid.

You’re allowed to feel that loss.

You’re allowed to grieve the you that never came to be – without shame, and without apology.

00:07

Hey, this is It's Okay If, bite-sized permission slips. I'm Matt Gilhooly, and today's permission, it's okay if you're grieving who you could have been. We talk a lot about grieving what we've lost. People, relationships, opportunities. But there's another kind of grief we don't often name. The grief for the version of yourself who never got to exist.

00:32

For me, losing my mom so young left this shadow of a relationship that I'll never really fully know. I wonder who I would have been with her guidance, with her laughter, with her love, with more time. It's not just missing her, it's missing the me I might have been because of her. And that's real grief, even if it's invisible, even if no one else sees it.

01:00

Maybe you have those little invisible griefs too. Dreams that didn't take root. Versions of yourself that didn't get to grow. It's okay to feel that loss. It doesn't mean you're ungrateful for who you are today. It just means you're human. So if today you're feeling the ache of who you could have been, let that be okay. And if you're feeling up to it, tell yourself, I give myself permission to grieve the versions of me that never got to be.

01:29

That's your permission slip, friend. Tuck it in your pocket, and I'll see you next time.