For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores one of the most common and difficult situations people face: what to do when someone else completely loses it at you.

Whether it is a partner who blames you, a colleague who unloads or anyone who fires anger in your direction, Alastair walks through why the automatic reactions of firing back or shutting down both make things worse, and what to do instead.

Rather than offering vague advice about staying calm, Alastair shares five clear, practical strategies you can actually use in the moment.

And the good news is that none of these require the other person to change.

You only need to work on yourself.

Key Takeaways:

• Staying calm when someone loses their temper is not weakness. It is the most powerful thing you can do. It is hard for someone to sustain rage when the person across from them is not feeding it.
• Most of the time, someone's anger is not really about you. They may be exhausted, overwhelmed, or struggling, and you are simply the safe person they unload on. Reminding yourself of this creates distance from the heat.
• Anger is usually just the surface. Beneath it is almost always something softer, hurt, fear, or feeling unheard. When you respond to what is underneath rather than what is on top, everything shifts.
• A boundary is not a threat. It is a calm, clear statement of what you will and will not accept. Setting one without heat lands very differently than setting one while you are already escalated.
• Not all anger is the same. If what you are experiencing crosses into verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, the strategies shared today are not enough on their own. Please reach out for real support.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you want to feel more in control the next time someone loses their temper at you, here is where to start.

• Book a free 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"
• Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System

Someone raises their voice at you, maybe they're blaming you, criticizing you, or just completely losing it at you.

And in that moment, you have two options.

You fire back or you shut down completely.

But neither works, and you probably already know that.

The problem is you can tell yourself to stay calm all you like, but in most cases, something takes over and before you know it, you lose your temper as well and the whole situation blows up far more than it needed to do.

So why does this keep happening even when you're genuinely trying to keep cool?

That's what we're talking about today.

Because most people weren't taught what to do when someone loses their temper with you.

So you default to whatever reaction feels automatic.

And sometimes that is not productive at all.

So that's what we're fixing today.

By the end of this episode, you'll have a clear, practical approach for staying in control the next time someone loses their temper at you.

So you can respond in a way you're actually proud of.

Hello and welcome to the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm Alastair Dues, and for over 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.

If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

With that said, let's talk about how to stay calm and in control when someone else loses it.

Firstly, remember that keeping control of your anger, no matter how anyone else is acting towards you, is always the most powerful thing you can do.

I know that when someone comes at you with anger, everything in you wants to react.

Your nervous system fires up, your defenses go online, and before you know it, you're either fighting back or completely shutting down.

Unfortunately, however, neither option helps.

The single most effective thing you can do in that moment is stay calm.

Not passive, but calm.

And there's a difference.

As you know, responding with your own anger is like pouring fuel on a fire.

It gives the other person more to react to, which means the conversation escalates and by the end, nobody even remembers what started it.

Staying calm, on the other hand, creates a different dynamic.

It's hard for someone to sustain rage when the person across from them isn't feeding it.

That doesn't mean standing there taking abuse.

It means managing your own nervous system.

First, a few slow breaths.

A deliberate pause before you speak.

A conscious decision not to match their energy.

When you do that, you stay in control of the one thing you actually can control, yourself.

This is the foundation that everything else is built on.

So before we go any further, if you take nothing else from today, take this.

You staying calm is always the most powerful thing you can do.

Secondly, know that it's usually not really about you.

Now, here's something that shifts everything.

Once you really get it, most of the time when someone is angry at you, it isn't actually about you.

I know that's hard to believe when your partner is standing in front of you shouting or pointing fingers.

But think about it.

Maybe they had a terrible day.

Maybe the kids were difficult, maybe work was a disaster.

Maybe they're exhausted and overwhelmed and you're the safe person, the one they unload on.

This is something I see constantly in my coaching work.

A partner vents, the other person takes it personally, gets defensive, and suddenly a rough day has turned into a full argument.

Nobody wins.

And the real issue, the stress, the exhaustion, or the feeling of not coping never gets addressed.

When you can remind yourself this is their stuff, not a verdict on me, you get a little distance from the heat.

You stop defending yourself against something that wasn't really an attack to begin with.

And often, if you just let them vent without rising to it, they calm down fairly quickly.

And then you can have an actual conversation about what's going on.

This doesn't mean accepting blame you don't deserve.

It means not taking the bait.

Next, remember to look underneath the anger.

Closely connected to that is showing empathy.

And this might surprise you.

When someone is angry, what you're usually seeing is the surface.

Underneath that anger is almost always something softer.

Hurt, fear, loneliness.

Feeling unheard or feeling powerless.

Anger is often just the loudest way those feelings come out.

When you can get curious about what's underneath instead of reacting to what's on the surface, something shifts in the conversation.

A woman I worked with recently was stuck in a cycle with her husband.

He'd get angry, she'd get defensive.

Things would spiral.

When she started responding to the emotion beneath his anger rather than the anger itself, everything changed.

Instead of arguing back, she'd say something.

It sounds like you're feeling really unappreciated right now.

Is that what's going on?

His whole body language would change because she'd named what he actually felt.

That's empathy in action.

And no, it doesn't mean you agree with how they're behaving.

It means you're willing to look a little deeper than the noise.

Fourthly, know your Boundaries and state them clearly.

None of what I've said so far means you tolerate anything and everything.

You're allowed to have limits.

In fact, having clear limits is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and for the relationship.

A boundary isn't a threat or an ultimatum.

It's a calm, clear statement of what you will and won't accept.

Something like, I'm happy to talk about this, but not while you're yelling.

When you're ready to speak calmly, I'm here.

Then you follow through.

You remove yourself if you need to.

The key is saying it without heat, without matching the other person's aggression.

When you can set a limit calmly and mean it, it lands completely differently than if you say it while you're already escalated.

This takes practice.

Most of my clients feel uncomfortable setting limits at first.

It can feel confrontational even when it's not.

But over time, clear limits actually create more safety in a relationship, not less.

Both people know where they stand.

The guessing stops.

And finally, I want to pause here for something important.

Everything I've talked about today assumes we're dealing with normal human frustration, the kind that's difficult but manageable.

But sometimes what someone calls anger is actually abuse.

And that's a different situation entirely.

Verbal abuse includes name calling, threats and constant criticism.

Emotional abuse includes manipulation, gaslighting and isolation.

Physical abuse includes physical aggression of any kind.

And if you're experiencing any of that, the tips I've shared today aren't enough on their own.

You need real support from a professional, a trusted person in your life, or a support service.

It is never okay for someone to express their anger towards you in a way that harms you.

That line is clear.

And if you're on the wrong side of it, please reach out for help.

Your safety is always the top priority in these situations.

Okay, so five things to hold onto.

Stay calm because your nervous system sets the tone.

Don't take it personally, because most of the time it's not really about you.

Use empathy to look beneath the anger.

Set clear boundaries without heat.

And if what you're dealing with crosses into abuse, seek support.

Don't try to manage it alone.

These aren't just ideas, they're skills, and they get easier with repetition.

And if you'd like my help working through any of this, Visit [email protected] you can book a free 30 minute call or start with the free training or on how to break the anger cycle.

Everything's there waiting for you.

And if you're getting value from this podcast.

I'd love it if you left a rating and review on your favorite podcast app.

Every review helps someone else struggling with anger to find this podcast and hopefully begin their anger management journey.

It takes about a minute and helps me a lot.

And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

Thanks for listening.

Take care.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.