Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month serves as a poignant reminder of the unique grief experienced by families who have faced such heartbreaking losses. Julie Lehman joins hosts Joel Demott and Andy Lehman to discuss the significance of this month and the importance of acknowledging and supporting those affected. The conversation emphasizes the need for greater awareness and resources, particularly within faith communities, to address the challenges faced by these families. Julie shares her personal journey and how her experiences have shaped her role in providing support through organizations like Hope Mommies. This episode highlights the power of community and the necessity of open conversations about loss, grief, and healing.

On this episode, we interview Julie Lehman regarding Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.

You're listening to the Dudes and Dads Podcast, a show dedicated to helping men be better

dudes and dads by building community through meaningful conversation and storytelling.

And now, here are your hosts, Joel DeMott and Andy Lehman.

Joel, Andrew, how are you today?

You know, Andy, if I were any better, there'd be two of me.

Wow, that's a dad joke.

I don't know. Here's the deal. I heard that the first time a few years back.

Who says that? Danny Yoder. Our friend Danny Yoder says that. I was trying to remember who.

My dad normally just says, "If I be any better, I be you."

Nice.

So.

My grandfather said, "I'm finer than frog's hair." That was fun.

Wow. That's the things I learned today.

Yeah, it was so much. Before we jumped on here, we were talking about couches.

Davenport, more specifically.

Davenport.

Wow. Hold on.

It was amazingly entertaining.

I messed up. There we go. I was done on the YouTube stream. I was showing two of me, which is interesting because I don't want to see me twice.

I could take that. Easy on the eyes, Andy.

Well.

Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Dudes and Dads Podc-- Pod-- the podcast. Or clash. Podcash?

Clash.

Podclash. What? A podclash?

That could be interesting.

That could be a thing. I don't know what it is, but it sounds interesting. We should look into it at a later time.

Glad to have each and every one of you here.

It is always our great, great honor to welcome my friend Andy's spouse.

My friend too.

And your friend?

Yeah.

Some would say your best friend.

Sure. Yes.

You would say that.

Nice shirt.

Yes. Sorry.

Hi Julie. Thanks for coming.

Yes. Thanks for asking me to be here.

Yeah.

But before we get into that, we need to remind you about our sponsor for this episode.

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Thank you so much, Everence. We love you. We appreciate you.

And we do our very best to give these, these ad credits to you.

And Andy is really, he's really zeroed in.

The FINRA SIPC just rolls right off the tongue.

Except for this time I messed it up.

Andy, what's going on? What's, what's in your life? Anything interesting going on?

We have Julie in the studio. That's interesting.

Julie, what's going on in your life right now? Anything interesting going on?

What is the season of life right now for you guys?

We're in the season between tennis and basketball.

Do you have a little bit of a break? Is this a little break?

We're getting a little bit of a break. We had some false softball in there, but that's over now.

So we have about three weeks where we can come up for air.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

Our air is, let me see. We have no sports right now.

I think I'm being, I think I'm accurate on this. Well, but we did just find out that indoor, indoor soccer starts, starts next weekend.

It was Matthew's last, last outdoor game today.

I was like, so Matthew, like, oh, we're pretty close to foot, the futsal season, indoor soccer season.

He's like, yeah, next game is Saturday. And I was like, you mean this coming?

Wow.

But hey, you know what? Here's the deal. It's in town. It's only a seven minute drive from our house.

I'll chalk that up as a win. You all know when the less travel, the better.

So a little bit, we've got a little bit of a time here to catch our breath, which is nice feeling that way too.

Marching band for us.

Going to state.

Going to state. Goshen Crimson, Marching Crimson. Boy, oh boy. That's exciting.

Lucas Oil Stadium. That's going to be a thing.

Here you come, Lucas Oil.

Yeah. Yeah. I've, I've never been down on the field there and I am a member, a proud member of the marching band parent pit crew.

Lift with your legs, my friends.

Boy, oh boy. We have, we have a couple of props. They're just big giant ramps actually this year.

They're just, they're built out and it takes, it takes an army to get some things moved.

And yeah, yeah. So we, by the end of the season, I'll be going to see Dr. Clark Kaufman over at Avon Chiropractic.

Not a sponsor, but he should be. We still, we still love and appreciate our chiropractors. I might, I might name them.

Well, Hey.

Yeah. Welcome. Welcome to the show, Julie. We've had you on a couple of times actually.

I was going to bring this up to you both. Annie Downs now has a hall of fun when someone has been on her show so many times they get their name on a plaque in the studio.

Okay. Okay. So I'm just going to plant that idea.

Here's what we should do. Cause here's what I think we could do.

We could have like this larger thing and then they get like the bronze.

Listen, even if it was my name and Sharpie on masking tape.

Consider it done. That's one of the perks of being married to one of the ghosts.

Well, yes. So though we are at the very, we're at the tail end of the month of October, October is pregnancy.

And I always want to make sure I say this correctly because I think the title is one of the longer titles, pregnancy and infant loss month where we remember, recognize and have a conversation.

Around a group of people that years ago if I'm really honest, I thought very little about because this tends to be a group who are not well, if I'm accurate, really not well represented kind of, you know, in terms of like loss communities.

I mean, and obviously for, you know, it's not a comparison game, but it's like, you know, we talk a lot about cancer loss. We talk a lot about, I mean, everything violent crime cancer.

There's a lot of communities where these big impactful, you know, these losses that occur.

And definitely the loss of a child also is a, is a, is a major serious thing.

It has been sort of a hallmark of this show that every year that we, we acknowledge it because obviously for you, Andy and Julie it's a central, central part of your life story as a, as a family.

And it has so deeply impacted our family as well being alongside of you guys.

And and again, I, as, as has been the case year after year partly, I think as I'm sure it's been with you guys, once you are aware of a thing, then you see it and experience it everywhere all over the place.

And I've just been ongoing ongoing. Great. I've been coming increasingly grateful of at least gaining in my understanding, gaining in my sensitivity and just, I don't know, getting my, my thoughts around around this a little bit more.

So, you know, Julie, with you on now, I, the one, the one thing that I always think about when we hit this month is maybe some new stories or new things that you've encountered recently around this.

Cause I feel like even though there is this kind of central theme, we're talking about pregnancy and infant loss, the stories are all unique. The stories are that you guys have, have interacted with.

What's kind of made an impression, you know, an impression on you guys, I think here maybe in the last year or two or something that's kind of front of mind for you that has maybe even reminded or affirmed why, why it is, you know, Julie, when years ago, starting with hope mommies and all of that, which we can definitely need to talk more about.

And I always want to remind people of, yeah, what kind of is something kind of a new thing, something you've encountered a new awareness or maybe something you've been reminded of in a powerful way here and maybe in the last year or so.

First back up to even, you know, I think what you were alluding to there at the beginning about this, this type of loss is so unique that when you talk about, you know, the loss community in general, loss is a loss is a loss.

And so like the hierarchy of grief is not a thing. However, it is so unique. And so really say what you will about social media, but the last 12 to 15 years have completely changed how pregnancy and infant loss is, is, well, it has given it a voice and it's brought people together in a way that I don't think it was just possible.

Prior to that. And so, you know, that along with just shifts and change in culture and people being willing to be vulnerable has really changed the landscape for pregnancy and infant loss.

And so what I've seen, especially in the last couple of years is what, what does it look like? You know, when we, when our loss first happened, it was 10 years ago. And so we were kind of what I felt like was in that first wave of people who were finding support through social media, through the internet, being able to connect with others.

And so now what does that look like? It almost feels like we're into gen two of, you know, it feels weird, but you know, it feels like Andy and I are kind of like the mothers and the fathers of, of, of, you know, coming alongside the, that next generation of people that are experiencing loss.

Because the people that are losing, I mean, just mathematically speaking, the families that are losing, in some cases, they're, they're losing a child are a decade younger than you guys are.

Yes. Yeah. We're a little bit out of touch. A little bit.

Yeah. And so, and for them, I mean, as you guys, by God's grace, you know, continue to grow, grow your, grow your family after the loss of Macy. For some people, it is, it is their first, it is their, it is their first, you know, their first child, their first love. That is, that is their experience.

What, what, um, as you guys have engaged with this community and, you know, we've had just a number of conversations.

What is, what, what are your biggest concerns with, with this, this group of folks? And maybe there are, there's some unique concerns within this loss community, or maybe there's some general ones, but what, you know, and this is kind of out to both of you, just what, when you encounter people that have had this experience, what, what worries you about, about that?

You can go ahead.

Okay. As far as like worries and concerns go, um, I don't want to get political, but there has been no change in how we track pregnancy and infant loss. There's been no change in how administrations see pregnancy and infant loss.

The amount of money that is being given in researching. Um, it's kind of just always been chalked up to, well, these things happen. And so a worry, a concern of mine is that, um, in the United States in particular, we're getting outpaced by a lot of other countries who are throwing money at the research and at the awareness and at the things that women should be aware of.

Even in their pregnancy of things to look for and things to be, um, yeah, concerned about. Um, so there is some concern in that on that side of things. Um, I think then, uh, the concern then also flips to as a person of faith. Uh, I don't see that the church has caught up with some of the other support that, uh, people are finding in a lot of other places.

Yeah, that is sorry. I would have anything that, you know, whatever.

I was going to say something similar, just as far as like with guys, I haven't seen a whole lot of guys. You know, that's one of the things that I experienced when, when we lost Macy is there wasn't a lot of support for just me.

There was, we went to a support group that was mainly geared for our kids and they had an adult support group there, but there wasn't really much in the way of just dudes. And so I've, I've seen a little bit in that going on.

I've worked one-on-one with a few people, but for me, like I don't see the wide support, like with hope mommies and other, other support groups around like that. Yeah. Yeah. I, I do wonder, um, cause I, yeah, I've, I've had this, uh, I've had a few other experiences, I think similar to, um,

just, just wondering why faith communities sometimes are behind the eight ball in this, in this area, particularly where, you know, in the traditions that we would be a part of, um, taking care of the, you know, the there's the widow, the orphan, the widow, the orphan and the poor.

Um, you know, and then it's, and then somehow there seems to be this other, this other category. I'll, I'll say this. I won't. Um, when I pastored here at this, at this church, I think, um, there, there was, I don't know what, what was what the season was, but like slowly finding out all of these women who had, um,

who had lost children this way and had never shared that with anybody. Um, and didn't, and didn't think for whatever, I'm sure a myriad of reasons for whatever reasons of the, but these, I would look at these individuals and say, man, they were in close community with other, other people, other women, other families who did not know this story. And they had held on to that.

held on to that or they didn't know the depth of which the grief what or the

pain it was like oh yeah we knew that thing happened to you but right moved on

right yeah yeah I mean I've heard as I'm sure I'm sure you guys have I mean I so

gosh this will go way back I will never I will never forget this and this is I

can say this now cuz there's no I think I feel like there is enough time that

has passed I can put it out there and it that I still have a strong reaction to

this when I think about it but enough time has passed I mean I remember when

when Macy passed and when I was making I because again I had I had two jobs at

the time at the time I had to make had to make arrangements to like get time

off her day off to come in and to officiate the funeral service right and

so obviously I have to go to my boss and I have to say like have to explain the

situation they were great about it but um you know they asked question I was

like you know this is my friends my friends are these are my friends and

that's what's going on and then just really won't be there for them and then

and then the question was how old how old is she and then whatever Oh how old

you were at the time and and then the sponsors like oh well she can have more

yeah yeah yeah and there's no replacement yeah yeah yeah and I just

yeah like like but but I think that's honestly I think that is the thought

mm-hmm even in like in faith communities oh yeah I have definitely heard church

folks oh yeah talk that way yeah yeah and and it doesn't like I did partly I

just want to be generous and maybe too generous but it's like I don't think you

really know what what you're saying yeah yeah but it's like it's like if you if

you have a really high view of life mm-hmm and and of a view that God has

intricately designed this human form in in like the miracle of life and of itself

only for that to not come to fruition man of all people of all people the

church should be standing at the front yeah of that line and saying this is a

this is a monumental loss and I you know I was thinking of as I do I say I have

weird thought thinking about the sun the Talmud there's this this theological

conversation around and this in particular is a conversation around

murder and but the loss of life and murder but there is this view that to

lose a single life is to lose an entire universe because of because of all of

the descendants and everybody that might follow that person right and so and

that's like again a unique cover it's a biblically formed perspective I think

that I think holds up for Christians as well and you know so if that is if that

is the case of I think I really think that we should maybe it's a challenge to

kind of bring to bring that perspective more to the forefront to really think

through yeah how we respond how we respond to people and that's so much of

this conversation I think is helpful I'm always looking to like try to help

people think a little more critically and fully about yeah absolutely and I

mean we Andy and I have from the jump ten years ago have always wanted to lead

with grace and to recognize that when somebody is hurting especially as deeply

as what we were people just really do they they really just want you to feel

better and and so we always have to remember that but yes people aren't

gonna say things people are going to not really maybe have that fully formed

thought process behind what they're saying but their intentions are good and

whenever we're given the opportunity to choose are their intentions good or

malicious we're gonna fall on their intentions were good

philosophers says never never assume maliciousness where stupidity will

suffice

that's a interesting way of giving yeah kind of speaking to the giving the

people the benefit of the doubt yeah um Julie I wonder for you vocationally I'm

really curious where now that you are pastor Julie Lehman yes where your

pastoral vocation and the loss of your daughter intersect oh man I is there I

don't even think it's an intersection I think it's just a complete collision yeah

yeah I I don't see that I mean God is God so he was gonna lead and do what he

was going to do but I don't see a path for myself coming into pastoral ministry

without without that I mean even so initially when I became a pastor I was

pastor of care which I think kind of makes sense when you're thinking about

the type of loss that we've experienced and then just some other you know life

experiences along the way that would be kind of a natural path oh yeah somebody

who's needed a lot of care is gonna you know give out of that but even now as

I've moved into connections and it's a lot more of you know meeting with new

people to our church and getting them involved it's still the same thing

because people all have something in their life and so I'm able to use you

know that tender spot in my story to be able to make a connection with somebody

because there's a tender place that they have to yeah you know it could be any

number of things but yeah and I think I think for me too it's it I've used that

while I'm not in professional that's not my job is pastoral care pastor or

whatever I think that my story with Macy our story with Macy has helped me be I

mean I'm a number two I mean any of Graham so I'm caring for people anyways

right but I think that that's just to kind of encourage that I've got to see

more the realistic side of what to do when people are hurting yeah yeah and and

I think that's part of the reason I'm trying to become the Stephen minister

now because I think that that yeah speaks well I mean I'm out of my hurt

and hurt and brokenness yeah I can help others so yeah that that's where I'd say

it affects me I I'm it's why I mean of the many reasons that I love you guys

and just I'm so grateful for you I I I'm intrigued by it's a skill that I think

in my pastoral ministry days and really and still and still is the case a skill

that I'm trying to develop is the how do you want to call it the emotional

courage to go to those places with people with a level of I don't know what

I'm gonna use the word confidence I guess to be able to confidently step

into those places obviously it's just it's a it's a work of humility and care

but I just know that I mean you know we don't live in a culture that's too

readily research to talk about death with people yeah very easily sure and

you know and man in every corner of our culture it feels like we're trying to

we're trying to beat death escape death walk around death but it will happen

yeah it will happen every single one of us the the the impact though the

hardship though is when it comes when it comes way before we you know way before

we would we would expect it to and obviously in the case of a child and

infant loss you know hope mommy's the community you're dealing with is you

know you know birth birth or pre pre birth to a wage - yeah so I mean all of

those losses just feel like gut punch yeah why God why yeah this you know it

like the game was over before and really began sort of sort of feeling how and

I'm sure you've had those conversations oh yeah so many of them yeah what have

those been like and what if what if you like what have you said what it would

have been the conversation around it yeah I mean that seems to be like the

conversation in my mind actually or and even in my experience as I've talked

with people and so you know what do you say I mean you don't say a lot you

listen you know you listen and you validate and in coming from a

perspective of somebody who's been there you know I can say I know what you're

feeling and what you're feeling is normal again as a person of faith so I

often talk a lot about what does it look like to be mad at God and to be mad with

God and so there's a huge there's a huge difference there when I'm being mad at

God I'm putting up a wall and I'm not giving him the opportunity to speak back

into that and and then when I'm mad with him then you know I'm I'm mad and I'm

giving it to him and but I'm recognizing he has broad shoulders and his love for

me is it's not it's not changing conditional upon your yeah how nice

you're gonna be yeah and then I'm also allowing him space yeah to do what only

he can do and and to allow him to speak into that and and you know to mold my

heart and so but really truly like what I am saying to people what those

conversations look like it's it's just a lot of listening and it's a lot of yeah

just encouraging people to talk being present mm-hmm you guys feel like

there's we've talked about this before the you know kind of the models of

stages of grief mm-hmm timelines cut to a certain degree you know a

systematizing of loss really nice idea yeah because we we have a little bit of

a fascination and attraction to that piece right like you're gonna you know

these are the these are the things what what you both have pointed out to me

time and time again and a good and a good reminder is is that most of the

grief stage models as they exist are with people who number one is chronic

often chronic illness rated no the end is coming yeah right which is a

different experience I think yeah your guys's experience was everything is

fine 37 going to 38 pregnancy I we've lost we've lost our child

literally overnight right and and I think you both quickly found out that

like those paradigms were just not yeah helpful they were not in the place where

you were yeah yeah I mean specifically like the Kübler Ross like the five

stages of grief like that her study is it's great but it's specifically

targeted towards people who received a terminal cancer diagnosis so you have to

be really careful that you don't take that and just broadly apply that to

everybody now there there are still really good things about that and I

think for the most part that each of those stages like all people that are in

grief will experience those at different times but again we have to be careful we

talk about stages the stage to me says we're gonna do this and then you're

gonna move on to this and then you go into that and the reality is you're

gonna bounce back and forth yeah probably for the rest of your life

interfering degrees into each of those things so what what does grief look like

for the two of you now Andy take this one yes he just had a fresh experience

so yeah so we were we were actually in our Stephen minister training on

Saturday we had a longer training which just feels like this has got to bring

bring some things to the front for you so so yeah and so we were actually even

talking so that there was two modules we were going over one was grief and one

was depression and and during the Stephen minister training you do some

like role-playing land like scenarios right yeah and and the scenario like we

just talked about this we talked about the stages like not stages but like

waves of grief where like especially at the beginning you have you don't it's

like you're standing at the ocean with your back to it you don't know it's

coming it's gonna come it may just wash up against your feet but it may knock

you over yeah and never know when that's and you never know what's gonna happen

we're just talking about that yeah and we were going through this scenario or

this thing and I was one-on-one with somebody else and it wasn't even about

like sure it's like a loss of a mother was the was the thing and I was the

person was supposed to be receiving care mm-hmm and in it like there was

something about doctors and being mad at the medical staff and immediately like I

I lost it like I was I hardcore cried yeah and like that for me like I was not

expecting that sure out of nowhere yeah and like for me yes it was just

interesting like because I hadn't thought about it and I hadn't experienced

that full like overtaking like great like grief emotion where you're just

coming on you for a long time and all of a sudden yesterday it was it was there

mm-hmm so much so that like I had to walk up out of the room for a little bit

yes I couldn't do it Wow I think that's it I think grief these days it looks

like for the most part it's just our life mm-hmm it often 99% of the time

does not I mean it's just been so integrated into us you know stillbirth

is just a part of our story and Macy is just a part of you know our life and and

so it's not a big deal but but then every once in a while and it's getting

to a point where it's farther and farther apart yeah which is which is I

mean it's a good thing it's an interesting emotion though but yeah well

at some point you feel also like okay my my not loving this person enough that

because I'm not experiencing these daily yeah times and so it is an interesting

emotion where you're not having it it's it's good because you're not crying

every day but it's also interesting because like oh it am I still

remembering my loved one I've heard some I mean I've heard children specifically

if they've lost a parent like at a young at a young age them

like having concerns because the memory seat because they were young and the

memory is seeming to fade for them as they get older and then they're being

sort of this get this guilt this worry this concern about about that

specifically it is that it maybe that's your appointment is that a concern that

you guys ever have or is it a concern that you have heckle even with your own

with your own your other your other kids I don't know if that's if that's come up

in in discussion I would say for me that was a concern for myself earlier earlier

on and I really like had to wrestle through that and I'm at a place of peace

with that right now and like I was saying like to me it's become it's just

she is such a normal everyday part of my life that that I don't worry about that

for myself I don't I don't want to speak for Andy but yes I do have that concern

for our kids which Reagan is here in the studio with us so I want to be careful

about what I put on my kids but that definitely is a concern of like you know

what will what will that look like when when they leave home what will that look

like when they are dating people what will that look like at their wedding

what will that look like when my own daughter is expecting a child like that's

stuff that is way out way way out in the future but it does I mean it does come

to my mind yeah and I think I think for me at one point it was starting to feel

like that a little bit where it's like oh I'm gonna because because it's not as

much my everyday is it is you Julie with your involvement and hope mommy's and

things like that but but I think now it's not as much yeah I mean it's just

part of my everyday and I mean that not in a different way than yours you know

it's still we still you know talk about her and we still have our traditions you

know we at Christmastime go on to the cemetery and things I would say to you

and one of the things that has really reassured me about our kids though too

is it was this last Thanksgiving one of our traditions is cinnamon rolls

Thanksgiving morning we watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade and we

pretend that it's it's for Macy yeah and I was at the point where I thought you

know the kids are getting old enough now maybe maybe we need to start backing off

from some of that and so we made plans to go I think we're gonna go down to

Andy's Thanksgiving Day and our kids were like well but we're not doing that

till after we've had cinnamon rolls and watched the parade and so that was

reassuring to me like no those things those things are valuable to them too

still so yeah very cool you guys you mentioned hope mommy's this is it's very

much part a very much part of the story and the thing that was no pun intended

but sort of birthed out of out of this loss as always we want to let me just

want to remind people I mean what a what an amazing mystery this is tell us about

it Julie yeah tell us your journey with it where it is to where it is today and

and how I mean it's just it's impacting lives that continue to do so I just love

yeah love to hear that yeah so I have just been a part of our local leadership

team now for the last couple of years I transitioned away from being our chapter

president Lauren Morris is the current chapter president and she is doing

phenomenal work she's doing so good I am so proud of her I'm so proud of the

whole team as I was saying you know it feels like we're in Gen 2 we've had a

couple of gals that are significantly younger than us come on board that are I

mean they're go-getters they're excited about the ministry it is it feels like

you know the ball kind of is in their hands and they're ready to run with it

so yeah I'm so so proud of those ladies and what they are doing last year we had

the opportunity to host our first retreat here in northern Indiana well

actually it was in southern Michigan but hosted by our local chapter took off

actually was 2023 that we did that took off 2024 and now we're ramping up to do

it again in 2025 I think that is that is where I get really excited about things

that's where you see women come in on a Friday and be so unsure so scared that

are people really gonna understand or is this a safe place for me and they by the

time Sunday rolls around they don't want to leave they there they've found their

people and so yeah I'm really excited about that good stuff good stuff coming

up so practically speaking what services opportunities to hope mommies provide

for people that have experience of loss so our first generally our first contact

with somebody who's experienced pregnancy or infant losses through our

hope box which a couple years ago the whole box has got a completely new

redesign they look amazing so we give those to women preferably as close to

the time of their loss as possible has pampering items and resources ways for

them to then get connected with the community so that's that's what's

happening and then from there then they are invited into the community that

meets face-to-face or online so our local chapter hosts monthly meetups

opportunities for women just kind of come together and receive support

sometimes there's a planned activity this month we made candles because

October 15th is the wave of light which is a specific day that people light a

candle all around the globe sometimes it's just let's get together and chat so

that's happening and then a couple times a year we have our hope groups which are

our Bible study groups hope mommies has written a number of Bible studies

specifically for women who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss

and so that happens a couple times a year as well too and then like I said at

the retreat that is that's happening main hope mommies at the national level

does a an awesome retreat every year our local chapter at this point is doing on

every other nice website hope mommies dot org dot org yes oh and I would I

forgot something new that they're doing is the podcast they now have a hope

mommy's podcast so got with it yes yes so and that's it's fantastic and I'm

actually gonna be on it yeah and next month so we're just warming her up yes

the record show we got to her first many times because she's gonna be on the Hall

of Fame that's right yeah yeah that's right yeah I think and with the with the

with the hope boxes I mean those those are there at doctor's office I mean you

have those kind of yeah we have them doctors offices um

midwife offices birthing clinics hospitals churches a lot though come

just by word of mouth hey my friend you know just experienced a loss can you get

a box to her so yeah yeah but we do have them stocked all over the place really

really beautiful the region that you guys are covering yes ranges from where

to where so roughly so technically technically it's st. Joe and Elkhart

County yeah but with us being the only chapter in the Midwest bigger events

such as our retreat I mean the retreat the year before was we had people from

Kentucky Ohio Michigan Indiana Illinois I think Minnesota we had somebody that

came from Minnesota so you know we're the Midwest and Kentucky I'm super

hesitant yes because I think it's not quite yeah what is Missouri I know

Missouri help us out what do you consider yourself yeah oh well and I

would say to you for for guys if if you were experiencing this and want to reach

out to me specifically you can find me Andy at dudes and dads podcast calm

because I would love to connect with you or you could request a Stephen minister

yes if you're in our local area contact Julie actually yeah Clinton frame org

and we can get you hooked up with a Stephen minister the Stephen minister

thing y'all I had my first gosh my first I think exposure to that probably very

beginning my ministry career and I've just seen oh really amazing really

amazing things I mean the goal the goal ultimately is is this and this is true

for hope mommy's this is true for as you're talking about Stephen ministers

it is equipping everyday folks yes right to be the hands and feet of Jesus

and that is that is what it is all about these things are not relegated to the

high the highly trained professional whatever it is because that's not that's

not where that's not where the work lives the work the work lives every

single day with people that have have experiences who are experiencing loss

experiencing some significant significant challenges and and more times than not

what they need is explaining really just said they to find their people yeah to

find just a group of people that they just get it yeah and in as much as in as

much as we can and are willing to walk with people yeah I I will just say I'm

you know it's kind of slightly slightly related to this I I've run into a few a

few new friends here recently we've got some some close people who are who are

really rebalanced and pretty significant some significant losses and I am I am

just immensely grateful for you too because I you know whatever with all my

there's all the pastoral training and stuff like that that I have but there's

really is nothing nothing has been as helpful as being able to walk with real

people and kind of in maturing within myself the just how to be a good

listener I think to someone who is you know who is going through something

really really challenging just had a had a really meaningful conversation with a

with a with a new friend last night who who just lost a son and in one of the in

one of the worst ways you can imagine and you know if nothing if nothing else

it's like I don't know I just increasingly realized that the great the

great gift it is for someone who is who is just willing to have that

conversation and it like I just I hold those things so so near and so and so

dear and you know and for those who have lost a child who have lost a child it is

just I think for anyone that is caring for those people like it really is it

is just a sacred is a sacred honor to be able to walk with somebody and to do

that and so I'm grateful for you guys I'm grateful for anybody who is just

willing to step into that space oh as uncertain and as gut-wrenching quite

honestly just gut-wrenching you know I think back I think back over ten years

ago now like I mean it's just like a it's just like a bomb goes off I'm

like you know how there is this there's this kind of this just this Armageddon

of everything is true everything is turned upside upside down and in

particular I mean obviously for you guys who are like in the thick of

experiencing a loss like that and then for then for everybody that's there is

close to you and just to go my my gosh like what what in the world are we

supposed to even do with this what what are we because I remember feeling very

much I don't know I just very much as we were like in the planning of things that

had to happen following that it's like no matter what you couldn't

avoid having to have just some really it was a series of hard conversations back

to back to back to back which just feel like climbing uphill in snow I mean you

know yeah but I will say on the backs on the backside of it it's like it does

that does something mm-hmm to you I think in a good way it for it does form

you specifically it does it does and I will say from the alternative

perspective of somebody who's whose friends came rushing in to triage and

and to help carry you all never appeared like you didn't know what to do you guys

yeah I have strong I'd have strong non dudes and dads podcast language for how

we felt yeah I mean we know this but it's because well here's why it is it is

because it's because God yeah mm-hmm yeah enters enter enters into that gap

absolutely like there's you're gonna make me cry um hey speaking of grief yeah

yeah like that that is that is the un that is the unexplainable factor and

all that and that's why the people who've been through this I think they

have like the the spiritual insight that they gain and have yeah they have from

that that is a unique it's a unique gift I wouldn't wish it on nobody yet it's

strangely enough it's like it's like boy boy did I I believe what I believe to be

true about God it's in so many ways that I mean this because because of that

experience yes you know there was no amount of whatever formal training

seminary whatever like there's all those things have its place but in that in

that moment when the when the when the bomb goes off you really have to ask

what do I really believe about the nature of life and death and yeah and a

God who cares and God who sees us and all that right right um and there is

there's this gap in the space that only I think only he can enter into and boy

when he does it's like oh gosh then you all get to you get to experience that

you know that together yeah I think we just we wish that for I wish that for

everyone yeah absolutely absolutely I wish everyone had had people like we

have people that like I said came in and triaged and wrestled through things as

we were wrestling through things and held to faith when it was hard for us to

hold on to faith and lended us faith when we weren't sure we had it anymore

and and so many things but yes like you said that we have ten years of

perspective now where we can look back and we can say whoo yeah wish that

hadn't happened and yet we have seen so much beauty come from it that at this

point honestly I would I would do it again yeah and that's I mean that's a

really hard thing to say yeah but I would because I wouldn't trade what I

have on this side of things I wouldn't trade the relationship I have with my

friends I wouldn't trade the relationships I have with my family and

I would not trade the depth and the intimacy that I have with the Lord

hundred-percent yeah yeah because that it is yeah I mean it is it is good to

know a God who yeah who's there yeah

as some as simple as you can say it I mean that's that's but it's a it's a

profound it's a profound truth yeah and I don't know I'm thinking right now I

mean there's a couple people in my life who are I have another person who just

got a diet you know close close to me inclusive close just got a really scary

diagnosis and you know like I would just I was thinking this morning as I was

praying for him was like all all I could hope for is that they know that he is

there yeah like like yep yes you know I just mean I hope I hope that they feel

that I hope they experience that because that is in these moments it's like

that's really all that mm-hmm you know that's really all that counts I guess

it goes something beyond any might like whatever any of our wise words that we

have to share whatever but you know it that's what we need is is what well

it's what we need so we have yeah there's a guy who's there oh yeah absolutely amen well

you know glad glad we could go there together it's been a good time so good

have a good a good a good tear or two yeah but I'm but as always guys I'm just

I'm grateful I'm grateful that we could do it so thank you for joining yeah yeah

thanks Julie but yeah that's always before we let any of our guys know go

come here you have to do this live we gotta do it live here and now it's time

and now it's time for the dudes and dads pop quiz thank you Reagan she did it live I have a

some bite of her but it's better for her when she's can do it it is and she's

significantly older and now it's time for the dudes and dads pop no no that's

not that's more recent it's not too bad all right all right so if you've never

joined us before with this is a time we just pepper Julie with questions she

can't she can't imagine first question you ask her she's like I can't even

imagine so I'm gonna slide I'm gonna let Reagan take my spot okay so all right

right here we go girl here do it okay your first question if you had to

delete all but three apps from your smartphone which ones would you keep oh

there we go okay so my the Bible my photos does that that counts as an app

so we're talking like all apps okay so yeah yeah so specifically the Bible

would be the blue letter Bible app my photos and probably the lectio 365

prayer app oh so good gosh good answer so good yeah wait but we'll just let

Reagan do her three it was shooting do three and then I'm and then I've got a

couple that I'm gonna be a really hard one cuz I know you oh boy okay what's

left on your bucket list oh goodness she's right because there's a million

and a half things so how about the next big thing that's on my bucket list that

I'm currently working towards that count okay okay so your dad and I are hoping

to go to Scotland yes three years without you three years without you in

three years specifically without you yeah that's uh okay

Scott once the boys are gone yeah so me and I you're gonna be left oh yes oh

that's okay we can party without you there you go okay go for it okay the

last one what's the worst job you ever had oh oh okay so I've not had many

jobs in my life because your mom's lazy but probably when I was in high school I

worked for my grandpa he had a tool and die shop and I came in after school to

clean toilets oh that was probably the wrong job I'm just gonna go out on lemon

say a tool and die shop bathroom is a real nightmare cesspool Julie my

question is this is I just have one this this came to me Andy every once in a

while I have this like oh this is a new pop quiz question yeah oh boy so you're

getting it first here it is I'm ready because I think I'm just so intrigued

with the dynamics of this question and we'll test it out we'll see if you could

be a tour guide or any sort of tour yeah what would it be

okay oh this is really hard to narrow down because there's so many things that

I would love to be like yeah yeah yeah and on your right yes I think okay this

is super nerdy this is what I was hoping for the Oregon Trail yeah okay don't die

and get dysentery okay for the river yeah a tour guide along the Oregon yeah

nice like a two-week real slow like this is where you can like actually get off

the interstate and see the see the actual trail routes and like tell

people stories oh yeah I could get into that do they have to like do any work

because this is by the way I don't this is terrible to say when when we did our

out our out west drive would we have we would have been close to Oregon Oregon

anything yeah yeah yeah yeah I this is the one thing I totally like it skipped

my mind and at no point did I was did I ever like stop and be like oh is there a

place where we can take this do they do they like preserve that trail in any way

shape or form or is it just like no but there are areas where like the ruts are

still there yeah simply because like there were there were divots you know at

that time but then weather comes along and those divots just continue to get

eroded and eroded and eroded so actually there's a place in Guernsey Wyoming

which would have been the opposite corner of Wyoming where you guys were

that we have been to that the divots are like I mean huge feet thick just because

the ground like the rock is so soft gotcha every time it rains it just no see

there we have it that sounds like a tour guide exactly you know you didn't get

this is something on our trip that you didn't get to experience it because you

weren't with us because you know and Josiah took us everyone yeah we saw what

was a yellow submarine and I'm quoting this like this because Jonathan Worsler

it was did a great job he was he would him and Julie should go into business

together because he was always looking up the things gotcha but he was like oh

there's a submarine coming up I'm not kidding you it looked like a propane

tank that someone was appropriate because I'm like there's no way I'm like

this is not a not a summary not a summary it was a complete disappointment

complete disappointment but Jonathan tried oh my gosh that makes the whole

conversation you guys were having about the other summer in much clearer now

because I was really yeah I was I was can I was confused and so many levels I

just screwed the camera I'm sorry it's all right it's the end of the show oh

yeah I don't see me anymore uh Julie thanks you're a blast appreciate you

friend well thanks for having me oh my gosh hey as always you can head over to

dudes and dads calm and you can also call our voicemail at five seven four two

one three eighty seven zero two because no one ever does whatever does we gotta

get some incentives like a first voicemail we can get this we have to

incentivize this that's all there is to it hey dudes and dads podcast at gmail

calm is the email address where you can send us all of your meaningful feedback

or not meaningful whichever whatever you want whatever we like all the feedback

off it guys we're grateful for each and every one of you we look forward to

seeing you next time and until then we wish you grace and peace

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