Welcome back to Dont get this Twisted

The conversation revolves around the challenges and complexities of dealing with splintered families and strained relationships. The hosts discuss the emotional toll of family dynamics and the need to set boundaries for self-preservation. They also touch on the importance of defending loved ones and the desire for validation and support. The conversation highlights the difficulty of navigating relationships with ex-partners and the impact it has on personal well-being. Overall, the discussion emphasizes the need for self-care and prioritizing one's own mental health. The conversation explores the themes of alienation, betrayal, and the importance of setting boundaries in family relationships. It emphasizes the need to prioritize one's own well-being and mental health, even if it means stepping back from toxic family dynamics. The conversation also touches on the idea of choosing oneself and not begging for love or acceptance. It concludes with the understanding that family relationships can be complex and that everyone has to find their own way to navigate them.

Explicit

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This podcast and website represent the opinions of Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be interpreted as medical advice or any other type of advice from any other type of licensed professional. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare or other applicable licensed professional with any medical or other related questions. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent that of our places of work. While we make every effort to ensure that the information, we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. Privacy is of the utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect confidentiality. This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony related to the medical profession or any other licensed profession. No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website. In no way does listening, reading, emailing, or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship or relationship with any other type of licensed professional. Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia do not receive any money from any pharmaceutical industry for topics covered pertaining to medicine or medical in nature. If you find any errors in any of the content of this podcast, website, or blogs, please send a message through the “contact” page or email DGTTwisted@gmail.com. This podcast is owned by "Don’t Get This Twisted,” Robb Courtney.

And welcome to another show, Don't Get This Fisted. I am Rob, along with my co -host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

I'm good Rob, I'm here, so that's a good start for the day. Yeah.

That's about all we can do. That's kinda how I feel today, just kinda here.

It's a good start to a Sunday morning. I know we don't let this episode fly until early Wednesday morning, but yeah, it's a good morning so far.

Wednesday.

Yeah, we gotta kind of record a few because you're gonna be off and running to another state.

Yeah, I'm gonna go see my friend get married. So gotta get a couple of podcasts in before I go. A little bit. I don't know. I don't know if I call visiting my friends as a vacation, but I won't be doing normal day to day work like I always do. So yeah.

Oh.

Little vacay. That's kind of nice.

Eww.

Right, right. Yeah, I guess you're, I understand where you're kind of coming from where.

It's like going to see family, you know, is that really a vacation or because my idea of a vacation's got some some tropical weather and some sand. Yeah, sand and alcohol. So.

Nah, it's more like a visit.

It's got sand and alcohol. Sand and alcohol, that kinda. Yeah, I get you there. It's more like a, you're going to visit. That's a better way of putting it, I guess.

I'm going home. That's what I can. It's like going home. I'm going home. But I'm excited. This is the first time. So I've known I'm going to El Paso and I've known these people since I was 18 years old. And this is the first time ever that my brother's going with me. And he's known him since he was 16. Like we we should have done this a long time ago. But I finally got my brother to say yeah.

Yeah, that's good.

Oh, wow.

so he's gonna do it with me.

Wow, that's cool. Nice.

Yeah, it's totally different than what I'm accustomed to with him, but why not?

Yeah, that's good. Sometimes you got to have someone to go with you somewhere, even if it's just a chat up shop and go visit people.

Yeah, the last time we did a vacation, I took he and his kids and my dad, we all went back east, but that had to have been like five years ago, six years ago already. And then before that, my brother and I haven't had a vacation together since we were teenagers. So it's kind of a cool thing.

Oh wow.

That is cool, that's super neat. I mean, like sometimes you gotta, like I said, sometimes you just have to do things like that. Let's go over here. Okay, so you know we were talking about things.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

personal things away from here, like we always do during the week and go, oh hey, what are we gonna do for a show? And I usually ask people and there's a couple people that throw things, my ideas, and go hey, do this or do that. But we were talking about some stuff that kind of resonates with people in our lives and things of such. And it was more like.

Because sometimes families just splinter apart for whatever reasons that go on. And it's the repercussions of these splintering effects that people gotta deal with and or are shotgunned with where you're just kinda like, you can't run from it, right? Because it's gonna be a daily thing.

Mm -hmm.

Trust me, if I could run from it, I would have ran a long time ago.

Yeah, and I think that's with most things, you know, if you could run from things or forget about them, if they could just go away overnight, we'd all do it, all of us, because they live in your mind. And even though we don't want them, or we want to remember certain things, but the pain of such things, it'll...

Mm -hmm.

Absolutely.

Mm -hmm.

stop you from sleeping. It'll physically change you. Depression and anxiety and things of that nature are horrible on your body and your mind. But these are things that are just the reality of life, right? They're going to be in your psyche living and you're going to have to deal with them at some point.

Mm -hmm.

The family thing is very bizarre, because look, sometimes you can have a splintering family and you don't have to deal with it as much, right, on the daily. It's like a wave of things that come, right? Something new will happen and then it'll be brought up again, or that splintering family has a birthday party that everyone has to go to and then...

things resonate again and you get thrown in to that to happen again. I have a friend who is going kind of through that. Them and their daughter have splintered like and badly. And it's one of those things where they'll end up going to a birthday party or a baseball game.

and have to be around all these other human beings that are reminders of their life, people that they've dated or married or things of that nature. And they're all friends with her daughter. So now it's, she has to go and be part of this situation.

And it's, I'm sure, very uncomfortable to the point where like, I don't understand it because I'm not really in that. But it's got to be a killer. And I try to understand where she's coming from. And I've said certain things because I can be...

I can, not an asshole, because I hate to say that I'm being an asshole, but she has to go to these things alone, right? And I'm like, I'll go, because fuck it, I don't care. Like, let them be mad and let them get all their panties in the thing. But then in my head, I think it's more of me just puffing my chest up and she's like, yeah, but if you go, it just gets worse.

Mm -hmm.

Which is true and and I had to kind of step back for a second. Oh, yeah, like I Keep saying that kind of stuff because I think it's me also wanting to be seen like There just because it's kind of you know a big fuck you

because it would kick somebody else in the teeth that's trying to kick her in the teeth? Yeah, absolutely. Mm -hmm.

Yeah, it's just a fuck you and and and it's wrong, but I think it's something that

Is it though? I don't think it's wrong to defend or want to be there for somebody who's being treated poorly. Especially by family, by people that you're supposed to, you know, have your back, that are supposed to love you and want the best for you. So I don't, I don't see that you're being an asshole for that.

Right.

No, but I think it's also, without getting like horribly, sounding horribly bad, it is kind of a, you know, like a dog pissing on the lawn. You know what I mean? It's more of that, hey, just so you know, I'm here. And, you know, just so you know it, you can be uncomfortable too.

Mm -hmm.

And I think that, and I get it, like, she doesn't need that in her life right now because of other things. But I think, look, I've been known to be like, to like the white knight. Do you know what white knighting is? Have you ever heard that term? So I think that's...

I refer to that as Captain Saboho, yeah.

White nighting, I'm very much a white night with this person. And at the end of the day, you know, I have to kind of be careful with that and step back and not, I'm good at saying dumb shit. And it gets me in a lot of trouble. And then that person probably just keeps thinking, fuck, okay, enough. I know you like me, but you have to.

hahahaha

I have to step back. So, but I do feel.

I wish I wish that I had that that I had somebody that would take not take my side but but defend me as a person good right wrong or indifferent be somebody that would be there for me going through that stuff because I've gone through it all with with my daughter and and my ex and I always felt like

Right.

There were times where I felt like I was in like an altered space like I was in the Twilight Zone because they The things that I was hearing I was like wait really that's what you really think and and I wish somebody was there to defend me or to say Tina come on that's some bullshit like snap back because It has played on my heart in so many ways and and doing it alone is the worst

Right.

because you don't have a sounding board. You don't have somebody that'll, um, um, bring you back to reality or what really is true, you know? So I don't know. I like that, that you want to be like that, but at the same time, I get that it will just kind of kick some dirt up and cause, cause them to have more of a reason or different reasons to be pissed off. And that's not going to get anybody anywhere either.

Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah, she said it very, like, look, I am, I want to defend her honor because I think there's something to that. And I think that is what I'm doing. Look, I like her. So there's, there's also that, right? So that I like her and I want to defend her honor is kind of they walk hand in hand. And she goes, just so you know, that would just be like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Right.

Right?

And it would. And I said something one time and I said it and then I had to step back again because again I say stupid shit. I go, sometimes you gotta burn fucking bridges. Because you're not gonna be able to go back on that bridge.

And they don't want you to be on that bridge. They want to see you fucking fall down into the river. So just burn it down before you fall. And I know that's sucky and shitty because there's young children involved, right? There's grandchildren. And I think that's what hurts her the most, right? Because of that, that...

It's it's became so splintered that now other people are Involved and who knows the other side that's that's talking. It's it's people that she's been in a relationship with that are now very close to her daughter and it and that hurts her that

Her exes are close to her daughter, so she's got a fan club, a hater club like I do. Nice. Yeah, that is exactly what it is.

Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what it is. You guys are very similar in that. Yeah, it's like, you know, and she feels like, um, and again, uh, I may be wrong. So if I'm out of, uh, I'm on a context, I'm sure I'll hear about it. But yeah, there, there is kind of a hater club to where it's like, no matter what they pile on. And I'm sure that when they're there, it's, oh, well, you know,

she's done this or she's done that and she's you know going with this guy and he's this and you know I hope she fails and and you know there's it's a there's a very long thing I don't want to get too deep because there's it's there's financial shit that I I'm sure that they wish or not that they hope she fails but

Wow.

Kind of a, see, I told you so's. I think that's the bigger thing. It's a lot of I told you so's. Oh, if you would have just stayed with this person, you'd still be okay right now, even though I.

Sounds like the people that are hating on her need to feed their own ego in order to prove to her that there were something instead of just saying you don't want me, you don't love me, let me get out of your way. See, that's the thing with exes. It's like if you don't get out of the way, you just look like you're bitter. You look like you're...

Yeah.

Yeah, well and look, you know, you've had you've had people close to you that are in predicaments that I'm sure once they see that you're happy they you know They start coming back into your life again. Oh this or Hey, you get a text message out of nowhere because I know he's done that to you, right? There's your wave of of that

unable to move on.

thing that... Well, yeah, like...

They all come back is what I say. They all come back. And the reason they all come back is because I treated them well. So it's just a matter of time. And actually that's what my friends and I always say to each other. They all come back. They all come back. But why?

Right. Right. I mean, because and he has, well, because look, you're an anchor and even though he may be in a relationship that's not good, like by far isn't good, you're always there to pick him up. And look, that's...

That's white knighting of you. That's me. I'm that person. I'm the person that always gets the call and says, hey, it's shitty. What do I do? And in my head, I go, I'm right in front of you. So.

And for me, I'm like, you'll figure it out. Like, I don't want to... I'm kind of into making... Yeah.

No, but but you your relationships deeper though, let's to be fair like i've never dated this person You you have a very rich long history with this person. So now for you to say you'll figure it out is different You know, you might not have said that 20 years ago You see what I mean? So like for me i've never dated this person. So for me to go hey i'm fucking right here

No. Yeah.

you know, your family is splintering. And I wanna be the person who runs into the chaos. So, you know, she's in a rough place. It's no different than like, I'll give you an example. I have a friend who, and you can jump in anytime. I have a friend whose daughter is getting married.

and their family is splintered, right? Daughter and mom not good. Yes, I thought I'd tell the story and let you jump in. And your daughter and your ex -husband are on good terms.

Are you talking about me and my daughter? Let's talk about that. Yeah, my daughter and I don't have a good relationship and we haven't said she's been about 17. I haven't lived with her since she was 18. And we basically in the last, I don't know, five, six years have.

Mm -hmm.

I would say five years, because I know that my dad, it went after my dad's 70th birthday party. So it's been about five years that I just don't have any communication or anything at all to do with her. And that ended because of things that she said that were totally not true. And they were hideous. And I was like, you know, I can't go down this road with you anymore, because that's not...

That's not healthy for me and it's not healthy for you and I'm not going to teach you to take such abuse. I'm just going to get out of your way so I don't have to take it and you can learn from somebody else if you need to take that kind of abuse because I just won't. So so yeah so I found out that she is getting married and and good for her. You know that's what that's great. That's where it's you know it's funny because I say that's great and good luck and everything but.

I got my hardest lessons being married. So there's a part of me that's going, yeah, kid, you know, take the ride, take the ride, because you will see that you're not perfect. And when you're married, it seems like every, every bad side of you or every like little shitty thing that you do is it's on it's amplified because there's somebody living with you watching the whole thing. So, you know, she'll she'll get her come up being come up and she'll get her show. She'll see.

Yeah, be ready.

Mm -hmm.

that she is not always right. She'll have to deal with all that stuff. And I think that's a good thing. I think that's growth. I think that's how people get better. But I just, for me, I wasn't even allowed to know about things until just recently. And so I'm staying out of it. I don't have it in me to want to abuse myself anymore. And that's basically what was happening. Like if I stick around people that...

Mm -hmm.

Right.

always want to be a dick to me. I'm allowing myself to be abused and it's on it's my choice. And I'm just not there anymore. So I've completely shut down the conversations when it comes to her because they don't serve any real purpose of growth. And, um, and that's how I'm dealing with it. It's not easy. It sucks to be alienated from a person that you, that you personally took on.

that you personally took care of, that you personally raised, that you personally did everything you're supposed to do as a mother. It's hard to let that go, but sometimes kids need to learn the hard way and they need to to be put in a situation where they can't rely on the goodness anymore. And see, that's the thing. Like people come back to me because no matter what, I will umbrella them. I will make sure they're safe. I will be the goodness.

But I'm kinda tired of that now. Now it's like I don't have any good to give, so get the fuck away from me.

Yeah, and I think that it like it's hard when it's your family like it's love love is rough and when your when your blood or in your case someone that you took care of from a very very small age that's your daughter.

You know, I mean, look, my stepdaughters were 12 and 8 and they're mine. I raised them through the prominent years of their life. So, you know, I care about them and I care what happens to them. You're in a very wild spot because you're still very close with your ex -husband. You're at good terms, right? Better terms than a lot of divorced people.

Better terms than people that are in relationships, to be honest. Yeah.

Yeah, that's that's very yes, that's a fucking statement and a half. But I think when you start looking at, you know, look, he's he's asked you to help with something so he can go. And in your case, that that to me, that's very. That's like cutting your legs out from underneath you, you know what I mean? I.

Yeah.

I just think that he's asking you to help while cutting your wrists. You know what I mean?

I don't feel like he even gets it though. Like I don't, I... Maybe he's starting to because I did bring it up and say, you know, I don't think I could do this. Like, I feel like I need to take care of myself while you're away and doing this because I have some feelings about it that I'm not gonna be there and that I'm not gonna be a part of it. So I don't think this time I could help you. And I said, I'm not being an asshole.

This isn't trying to get even because you get to go and I don't there's it's none of that. It's I have to take care of me because there really is I don't see anybody standing beside me right now. I take care of myself. So in that I need to look at what is the best thing to me and then it's just to it's just to let them deal with this particular situation without me being a part of it at all whether it's helping out so that he could leave.

Yeah.

Mm -hmm. Right.

it's being there I just need to step back and and bring my energy to to me because I need to I Need to be good to me right now in this situation because it does hurt But I'm not gonna let it Consume me and I and I don't take it personally. I basically said you know what if I don't go you don't get my goodness Sucks to be you

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, I -

Yeah, and I think that that's what you have to do in family situations. You have to step back and go look. The same with you and the same with my friend, okay? You did so much for them during those formidable years, right? And to now feel like you've been alienated out, you're being pointed at.

Right.

regardless, you know, even though it's done in her case very meanly or such in your case a little different, but the feelings are the same. You know, you, you feel like you've been shunned by somebody that you gave all this love to for whatever reason in their head it's happened. You know,

Well, that's the same for even being in relationships. Like, I could tell you that I really do go out of my way to be the best person that I can in a relationship. But if they don't want it, or if they want to hurt me, or if they're not, whatever it is, you know, like I said, they come back because I do have that about myself and I do take care of people.

in in ways that I don't even know how I do it sometimes I I've got a really big heart, but then I get tired of it like I There is an ending point with me that Unconditional love is bullshit in my eyes because if you're not going to treat me with the same respect and love that and dignity that I treat you with I'm gonna shut it down

Mm -hmm. That's healthy though. I think you have to do that.

It's supposed to be like that. You shouldn't be taking people's shit and be in a doormat and allowing it to go on and you just take it. The way I described it to my ex was like this. When all of the shit went down when I was 40, I quit talking to certain friends in my life because I realized they weren't my friends. They wanted to watch me fail. They wanted to watch me fall and they were putting...

whatever energy they could into making sure that happened. And I walked away. I walked, I ran away. I was like, fuck that. I'm not doing this anymore. And I just stopped it. I stopped it just like that. And I told him, I said, you know, I realized that I had to get certain people out of my way because no matter what they were in my life, they were going to hurt me. And I said, and if you...

You and I want to keep our friendship and try to be like good people because we should be and we're educated enough that we can do this. I said, but if you don't want, if you want to put things into my life that bring me pain, then you got to go too. Do you want to go? Because we could stop this right now. And he said, I don't want that to happen. And I said, well, good then we're not going to talk about A, B and C.

Right.

Right.

And if you bring it up, I'm gonna say, see you later. And then I just won't answer the phone or I won't answer the text message when you call. I don't need, I don't mean to ghost you. I'm letting you know from the get how I wanna be with this, but I don't want you to be in my life if you're gonna continuously bring shit to the table that hurts me.

Right, and...

And so we had to make rules to shut all that down.

I think with you, you're kind of lucky because you're not in the circle all the time.

Oh no, I took myself out of that.

My friend can't because of, you know, grandchildren, other things. She still sees her daughter often and they don't speak in the same room. And I think that has to be the ultimate in...

Betrayal. Yeah. Well, you know what she can, she can take herself out of the situation too. She can make, you know, she doesn't have to go to the birthday parties or the weddings or whatever. She doesn't have to do that. And she, she could see the kids when, when it's different on different terms and, and, and she should do that for her own mental health. She should do that. Like,

alienation, betrayal, but just being alienated, right? Now you go and...

Right, and it's good for her.

Yeah, I don't get to see the, you know, my daughter has had a kid. I don't get to see that kid. But you know what? I don't get abused either. And everything comes back around. Everybody shows back up. Everybody, nobody stays away forever. I've yet to come up and see that happen. So.

Right.

I think that it's okay when the family is splintered and everything is not settled and you have like all these things going on, it is okay to step back. And not only is it okay, but it's healthy too. There's no reason, there's no person on this earth that should be important enough that you take abuse every time you want to be with that person.

Correct. I've kind of said the same thing. I said, look, I get it because you want, there's two sides to this story, I think for anyone, right? You go because you want to see whoever is still in that healthy family, but you also don't want to go because yes, it's mentally taxing to yourself. You're...

Because when you leave there, there's a whole other problem, right? There's the...

Yeah, it hurts your heart. You got all the exes and you got the kids being assholes and you got the grandbabies who just want to be around you. You've got like emotions coming from every corner. That's that's unhealthy. You know what I mean? And anything that's unhealthy, you need to you need to consider why you're there.

It is.

Right, and I think that's kind of what you've done, right? You've stepped back and gone, okay, look, you can only do so much, right? And you can't change people's feelings. Once the family has splintered, you can be good. And I think that that's what she does. She's trying to be the better person and go, look, I'm just gonna go because I think it's the right thing to do.

Mm -hmm.

No.

And I think that there's something, you know, there's honorable about that. She does want to, you know, make she's trying to show at least I think she's probably trying to show, look, you haven't beaten me. And I think that there's you also have to do that. There is something about the bravado of saying, no, you're not you're not going to beat me. And that's kind of why I always say, like, take me. Like you like I'll bring the gas, we'll burn the shit down to the ground.

but there's the bravado of saying, I'm showing up because you haven't beaten me. At least that's, and maybe that's what I would do. I would go to just say, fuck off, I'm here. But I'm also the person that would go up and shake everyone's hands and say, it's good to see you, regardless. Because I just think that it's this, it's that you can't beat me. Or.

Yeah.

You're a podster to the 10th degree.

I'm never gonna show you you've beaten me. I'm gonna show up.

Well, I and I do I do that I'm giving the same I'm giving them the same as well I'm just choosing to not even walk into the situation and play the game like my goodness goes where huh? Yeah My goodness goes with me. So if I'm not here neither is that so when you know when you can't get your hair to look right or when you can't you know, you're

Mm hmm. Know that you're right. That's that's doing it too. You're right. That is also doing it.

The baby's crying and you can't seem to get them to calm down and you don't know what to give them or how to do it when When you need somebody to watch your animals because you want to go away for the week and that's normally stuff a mom does I don't do that. I don't have to do that. I'm not babysitting I'm not running to the hospital because something happened to somebody or I'm not picking somebody up because I have a flat tire and gotta get to work I I've removed my goodness from their situation

Yeah.

Right.

Right, yeah. And that's gotta be difficult. Like, it's gotta be difficult.

Well, yeah, choosing, just like your friend, I believe that we are in the same boat. We don't choose ourselves very often. So when you choose yourself, it is uncomfortable. It's an awkward feeling. It's a, it's a shitty place to put yourself, but you know what's worse is having nobody choose you and you're abusing yourself and allowing yourself to be abused by being in the situation because not even you chose you.

Right.

Right. Right.

And I don't do that. Like I'm an asshole in the fact that I, when I'm done, you can't get me to change. You can't, you can't once you, and that's always when people want to play the game is after I've gone, okay, I'm taking my ball and going home. Fuck you all. That's when people want like, but why? Well, can't you just, can you like, but you've always done that for me. And I go, yeah, I do. I do that now for people.

Right.

that deserve it. And the rest of you, go to hell.

Right. And I think what's funny is, is that generally, if you've never done that and you start doing it, people see you as now you're narcissistic. Oh, it's all about you and it's this and this. But I think that there's, look, there is something to that from the outside. If you've been nice the whole time, forever.

Yeah, everybody's got a fucking label.

and you've always done, you know, oh, can you do this for me? Can you watch the babies? Can you take me down the street when you're young? Can you whatever, whatever it is, when you finally go, hey, I'm doing something for me right now, they go, oh, it's all about you. It's like, well, wait a second. It's been all about you the whole time. And now I want to be my own person and do whatever. And like I said, whatever that is.

And the thing is you shouldn't even defend that. You should just be like, yeah, I'm an asshole. Like I really, I don't put any more attention or any more energy into it. And that to me, that's been so liberating. You know, does it hurt that I won't be at certain functions in my daughter's life? Absolutely. A mom should be there. But I didn't take myself out of the picture. I was told to get out of the picture.

Um.

Yeah.

So let me get out, shut that door, and then I don't have to worry about it. And it's funny, because the further the situation gets away from me, the longer in time I've gone without the less I care.

Yeah, no, I can see that. Yeah. I mean, look, there is something... There is something about someone telling you, I don't need you anymore, and the liberation of telling you, fuck off then. I mean, in your head, like your own, you know, it's you going, okay, then, but there's repercussions to not needing me.

You know, you, there's nothing to worry about.

I didn't even do that, I'm like, just don't, don't, don't call me anymore. Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Yes.

And I think that that's the biggest thing is to say, oh, mm -hmm.

But here's the bigger lesson is this though. Never in this world that we live in are you ever going to be happy with the love you get from somebody you're begging for.

No, that's true.

You're not ever going to be, if you're begging for love or attention or affection, you're not going to like it even if you got it. So quit doing it. Get out of the...

Yeah, because the reciprocation has to be mutual.

Not only should it be mutual but it should be sincere. It should come from the person that's giving it to you I don't beg people to love me. I I've one thing I've learned in my life is that like I don't if you don't want to be my friend There's the door if you don't want to if you don't want to date me There's the door if you don't love me anymore. Let me let you out of my way So you could find somebody that you could love?

Right.

Right.

And so somebody could find me to love me. Cause I don't beg for that. I have been a dumb ass in a lot of situations, but I don't beg people to love me.

Right.

Right. And I think that that really should go to family. This is the closest thing. Right.

Absolutely. Family's the worst when it comes to that. Fuck. There's so many people in my family that I've been like totally cool with and then something will happen and then I'll notice they're not on my social media. They don't come over to their parties anymore. But, but God forbid you don't, you don't invite them because if you don't invite them, then well, why are you being so mean? This was, you know, you should have invited me. I, what did I ever do to you?

I don't like to be around people that I don't like. I'll be honest. I ain't gonna invite you if we're having problems, because I wanna have fun and I don't need your bullshit. And I've gotten in so much trouble for that.

Right.

Yeah, I think that at the end of the day with this, there's no answer to how to really go about it without somebody getting hurt or their, right.

And it's normally the moms. Moms get hurt in relationships with kids more than anybody. Moms take all of their shit. Moms get all... You know, I see friends with their kids and they're like, oh, honey, did you want to try this chicken wing? This chicken wing is great. And the kid's like, no, it's okay. I don't want it. And she's like, are you sure you like chicken wings? And then they go, mom, I said I'm fine. And just like shut her down.

Well, why would you shut your mom down if she's worrying about you or if she's she wants you to try new things or to give life a little bit of a difference in your world? Like you shouldn't shut down people that show up like that. And if they are and if you are shutting your mom down or if your mom's being shut down, your mom should absolutely positively without a doubt, put her energy where she's not being shut down.

and hope that you figure out how you're supposed to be with her. Because I think that as parents, we take so much from our children that we lose ourselves or we allow ourselves to be abused or to be put in a situation that's not good for us or to be in where we're just not being treated right. And I think that as parents, we need to stand in our convictions and be

be...

respected at a certain level, we should demand that. And if we're not getting that, then we need to back up and let our kids fail on their own. It's just the way it goes.

Yeah, and I think that that's the one thing that will make everyone stronger, both sides. Right? You have to step back. You have to step back as a parent sometimes and go, okay, if I'm being shunned or pushed away, they have to fix themselves, not me. Because if you're doing right, whatever that is, because a lot of this stuff comes from...

Yeah, everybody's gotta come up. Mm -hmm.

Oh, you're dating the wrong person. You're treating the other sibling different. You're, you know, whatever these these things are that that splinter families and they and it could be a multiple of things. You have to be you and be like you said, have your conviction. If you want to go and you want to be with somebody that the family doesn't like that, that's up to them. They.

Well, I didn't realize the kids are supposed to have an opinion on who I date or what I do. A kid's supposed to have their place and truly, I'm going to catch hell for this, but like kids have no business telling their parents who they should and shouldn't be with. It's none of their fucking business. They're the child in that situation and they should act like the child. There are situations at my age with my father, he wouldn't take from me.

He wouldn't put up with it. He's like, that's none of your fucking business. And I think that we're in this stupid movement where kids have all this power and kids, you know, are supposed to have all these voices. No, they're not. No, they're not. They're not supposed to be telling their mother who they could date. They're not supposed to be telling their mother what they should do. They're not supposed to be telling their mother to stay in a situation they shouldn't be in. They should have no opinion. And it's a it's.

Mm -hmm.

All right.

crazy that we've raised children to think that their opinions are the end all be all of our relationships, because it's not.

Well, yeah, and if you look, I always say the vice versa of that. If you have a 30 year old son or daughter, it's none of your business to be in their relationship. It's not. If my son, who's now a man, he's 21 years old, if he came to me and said, I like this person and I didn't like them, that's none of my fucking business. It's not.

Exactly.

Well, and here's the deal. We don't learn from doing things right. We learn from making mistakes. So I'm, I'm all for, you know, I, I'm not for marriage for me. I'm kind of over that stage of my life. I kind of take a step back and go, I could go without that. But do I still want a partner? Do I still want somebody to live with and love and support and work with? Absolutely. However, you know,

Mm -hmm.

Right.

my daughter's getting married and all of the lessons that you learn being married married she's got coming to her and let me stand out of her way so she could learn them and not be the example so she has to learn a little bit harder than than she would have normal.

Sure.

Yeah, and and I kind of agree on both on the other side of that as well where You have to let the car kind of ride down the road and if they're in the way it's gonna happen And that's right and that's for both sides. Look, you know what I tell my kid hey dude, like Just be careful. Yeah, but I would never be the guy that goes I don't like her so don't date her because that's I have to live with that or I

as a person. So if I end up, like you said, like I want, I want inner peace. I want someone to bring me peace, whatever that is. You know, richness is a weird thing. You can be rich and be unhappy, but you can be poor and be rich in a relationship. That that's important to me. I want peace. And sometimes the way you get peace is through chaos. Chaos comes with that. My friend down the street lives in chaos and

Mm -hmm.

And all I hear was, you don't want to be in this. You don't want to be part of this, blah, blah, blah. And OK, I understand that part. But you have to be the piece for someone else in that chaos. I would never take that away from my son. I would never tell him, oh, that girl's nothing but trouble and chaos. That's up to him to decide.

And I also think that that's that's not necessarily true either because I I've been in situations where Somebody's being abused and beat up and I had to say look I can't keep my mouth shut anymore You're taking a fucking beating every time I turn around and I'm seeing you with cuts and bruises and and and no money cuz he's he's Deleted your accounts and done all this shit

That's the time to say something when there's when there's actual abuse happening you should say something but outside of that if they just want to control your your kid and and You know, you can't say anything. You got to let that ride its course You got to let him learn on his own But I think that there are times when you should say something and that is when abuses is there my my nephew

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah, I... Yeah.

He has a girlfriend and this girlfriend at one of our gatherings was not treating him well like she was being a an asshole to be honest with you and and I I told him I said I don't ever want to see that in my house again I said you you could choose to be with somebody that treats you like that or not But don't bring it in front of me because my job will always be to defend you

Mm -hmm.

And if she's doing it in my house, I'm going to go to her and say, look, you're being an asshole. And if you don't want him touching you, or if you don't want him around you, there's the door, get out. And I would do that.

Right. But I think that that's being protective and that's okay. What I mean by chaotic is life. Like she thinks that life is like, oh, I just live in chaos all the time, okay? Well, we all live in chaos all the time. I mean, it just matters how you see the chaos, right?

and what your outlook is with it too.

Right, the person that you want with you is the person who goes, I'm gonna make sure that you're okay during the chaos, not make it worse. And that can happen. You can be with somebody who's a partner who sees the chaos that you're in and makes it worse.

And I think that that can also be in a family when you have someone who's just going, that girl's horrible for you, that girl's horrible for you. It's like, you're not helping it. You're making the chaos more chaotic. We all have to learn and we all have to try things and fail. Failure is what makes you better. People hate to hear that. And...

Well, you don't learn your lessons from doing things right. You normally learn lessons of life from getting in this whole situation, really mucking it up and then having to dig yourself out of it. Like that's where you learn your lessons.

Yeah. Yeah, and failure is what spring bores you to not failing the next time, right?

It also teaches you what you do and don't want.

Exactly. And I think that you shouldn't take your family splintering apart as a failure. You should take it as what happens when people do their own thing. And you're right, generally things come around, people come back because they realize...

that you're the center and the good part of things. Sometimes you have to go out on a limb to realize that you had it good with something that was right in front of you. And family members generally do that. Can it take a while? Yeah. My ex -wife and her daughter had two and a half years, they never spoke. Not a word, like zero. Just.

Yeah, I've been in that situation multiple times over the years with with mine.

Yeah, so for me, I think it's more of, look, your family can splinter apart, but you still have to live on both sides, both of you. Both parties have to live. And if one is still doing the good, you're doing good. It's fine. You can't make them come back.

Something will happen where they realize that the people that they've surrounded themselves with in your place never have their back. They're there for another reason. Your family who's raised you will always realize they were always the anchor.

And family doesn't mean that you have to put up with their bullshit. It doesn't mean that you have to put up with their abuse. It doesn't mean any of those things. It means that you will raise your children, you will take care of them, you will try to make them decent human beings, and then you will let them make their own mistakes. And you don't have to be right there watching them do it. You could walk away a little bit and let them make them, and you don't need to see all the...

the drama that they put themselves through, especially as parents who wants to see that. So back up and let whatever's going to be be and know that no matter what life doesn't the funny thing about life and feelings is nothing stays the same. It's a constant evolution. It's constantly changing and and get out of the process. Walk out of the process. If you could get out of the process and just let everybody live in their own shit.

Yeah.

You don't have to get dirty with it. You only have to live with yours. You don't have to be sucked into all the other stuff that's always going on. And if somebody, if a kid wants to suck you into that, you don't want them around your goodness anyway.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, I agree. Look, my only last word is like, just remind them that you love them and that's all you can do. That's it.

I don't even do that. I'm out of your way as you asked. Good luck to you. My love has a price and I don't give it away. Not anymore. I used to, but now I don't give it away.

Yeah, I guess you know what, you're right.

Right.

And I do agree with you, if they've pushed you away, they've told you enough. Yeah, I do agree with that.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Cause loyalty in a relationship, loyalty in a family, if you're not, if, if, if your kids didn't learn that or they don't want to use that, then they're not any different than somebody that's, you know, that is a friend that's hurting you or whatever. They don't want to keep that loyalty there. If they don't know what buttons to, to not play with because it would push you over, then be pushed over.

Right.

get out of that way and let them learn so that they put you in the right level of respect, because kids should respect their parents.

Yeah.

If they've given you subtle reminders or harsh ones, they're the same. So you're right. If they've pushed you away, look, go to the family stuff, but don't kill yourself doing it. And at the end of the day, you can only hope that the family comes back together.

Absolutely.

Yeah. It's not any one person's, um, actions that'll make that happen. Everybody has to put in their own. And family is where you learn all your how to survive. It's like, for me, I say family's my ser, what's taught me how to be a survivor. It has not taught me to be a better person. Family outside of my, my mom and my dad, I was not in a family that was.

Right.

Agree.

Yeah, it is a survival guide.

Conducive to having happy relationships. I had to learn to be a survivor and and that's okay, too Because if you learn it from your family when your friends do it, it's not that big of a deal

Yeah.

You'll survive. That's a great way of ending this out. Survival is there. Social medias, Facebook, Instagram, X, you can check us out on YouTube Music, YouTube, Spotify, Apple, anywhere you can listen to this show. Make sure you're throwing it out to your friends. Just copy the link in whoever you listen and send it to somebody and see what they say.

Mm -hmm.

It's an opinion show. Don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. We'll be back in a week after this with another show and We'll see you later. Have a good day Tina later on

Mm -hmm.

See ya!