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Today’s story is “Friends and Collies” by Ursus Arctos, who discovered the furry fandom in 2014 and began writing his Long Division series two years later. This tale is an excerpt from the book Beaver Damn! Lester Moore Tales. The entire Long Division series is available in paperback and electronic editions from LD-Books.com. You can find more samples of Ursus’ stories on furaffinity.net.
Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
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Transcripts
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog. I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,
Speaker:and Today’s story is
Speaker:“Friends and Collies”
Speaker:by Ursus Arctos,
Speaker:who discovered the furry fandom in 2014
Speaker:and began writing his
Speaker:Long Division series two years later.
Speaker:This tale is an excerpt from the book
Speaker:Beaver Damn! Lester Moore Tales.
Speaker:The entire Long Division series is available in paperback and electronic editions from LD-Books.
Speaker:-Books.com. You can find more samples of Ursus’ stories
Speaker:on furaffinity.net.
Speaker:Please enjoy “Friends and Collies”
Speaker:by Ursus Arctos August 1950 Keith Carson sat on the edge of the back porch and opened his lunch box.
Speaker:Sitting beside him was Zeke Adamson,
Speaker:the newbie on the construction crew.
Speaker:The New Zealand Heading Dog
Speaker:had already chowed down half of his ham sandwich.
Speaker:“So you survived your first week on the crew,”
Speaker:Keith said to the other canine.
Speaker:“You doing alright, Zeke?”
Speaker:“Yeah,” Zeke mumbled around a mouthful of sandwich in his distinctive accent.
Speaker:“I enjoy the work and all the guys have been great.
Speaker:Mac is a good boss.”
Speaker:Keith nodded. “He can push hard, but he’s fair.
Speaker:I’ve been working with him for a little over two years now.”
Speaker:Zeke pointed a finger at a beaver who was waddling toward an International Harvester pickup
Speaker:parked at the edge of the construction site.
Speaker:“I’m not sure what to make of Lester, though.”
Speaker:Keith spoke as he peeled a wrap of aluminum foil from
Speaker:around a cold chicken leg.
Speaker:“Lester can be pretty annoying,
Speaker:but he’s damned good.
Speaker:Works fast. Can’t say I’ve ever seen him fuck up a
Speaker:job.” “What’s with the ‘ruff-ruff’ thing?”
Speaker:Keith unscrewed the cap of his Thermos jug
Speaker:and poured some lemonade into it.
Speaker:“A couple weeks ago, some of us were having a discussion about dog breeds.
Speaker:Lester called me a Collie.
Speaker:I told him to be specific
Speaker:and informed him that I was a Rough Collie.”
Speaker:Keith pointed at the beaver
Speaker:who was heading their way with a lunch box in hand and busily gnawing on a scrap of pine.
Speaker:“He’s been needling me about it ever since.”
Speaker:At that moment, Lester reached the house
Speaker:and climbed the makeshift stairs leading onto the porch.
Speaker:He grinned at the two canines and barked out,
Speaker:“Ruff-ruff!” “Lester, put a sock in it already,”
Speaker:Keith said with obvious exasperation.
Speaker:The beaver tossed the chewed-up scrap of wood over his shoulder.
Speaker:Hand free, he pulled the leg of his pants up revealing the bare fur of his ankle above his work boot.
Speaker:“For the record, I don’t wear socks,”
Speaker:Lester said with a laugh.
Speaker:As Lester turned to enter the house,
Speaker:Keith leaned over and said quietly to Zeke,
Speaker:“Dog! He’s worn that stupid ‘ruff-ruff’ joke thin and just doesn’t know when to quit.” “Thin as an old pair of socks?” Zeke’s
Speaker:comment was loud enough for Lester to overhear.
Speaker:“I don’t wear socks, Zeke!”
Speaker:the big rodent called out with another laugh.
Speaker:“Hey, before I forget…”
Speaker:the Rough Collie pulled a small envelope out of his lunch box and held it out to the other canine.
Speaker:“What’s this?” asked the Heading Dog.
Speaker:“An invitation,” Keith replied.
Speaker:“I didn’t have your address and you aren’t in the phone book yet.
Speaker:Cindy and I are having a party at our place tomorrow night.
Speaker:Friends and Collies.
Speaker:We’d like you to join us.
Speaker:Bring your girl along.”
Speaker:Zeke pulled a card from the envelope and considered the offer.
Speaker:“Friends and Collies, huh?
Speaker:Seven o’clock? Yeah,
Speaker:I don’t think Michelle has any other plans for us.
Speaker:We’ll be there. Thanks a bunch.” ❖ ❖ ❖
Speaker:It was a quarter to eight and the party was in full swing.
Speaker:The Carson house was packed with Collies of all sorts.
Speaker:The majority were Rough and Smooth,
Speaker:Bearded and Border.
Speaker:But a few other related breeds were represented as well.
Speaker:There was Zeke of course
Speaker:and the Heading Dog had shown up with his fiancée, an attractive Australian Kelpie.
Speaker:Keith was mixing drinks for his guests
Speaker:when Cynthia walked by with a plate of hors d’oeuvres in hand.
Speaker:She smiled at her husband and said,
Speaker:“We need to make this an annual event.”
Speaker:Keith was nodding in agreement
Speaker:when his ears swiveled at the sound of the doorbell.
Speaker:“I’ve got it,” he informed his spouse.
Speaker:The host wormed his way through the knots of guests in his living room to the front door.
Speaker:He opened it to find a familiar beaver standing on his porch.
Speaker:“Hey there, buddy. Sorry I’m late,”
Speaker:said the big rodent.
Speaker:Keith blinked. “Lester?
Speaker:What the hell are you doing here?”
Speaker:“I overheard you telling Zeke about the party.
Speaker:I guess my invitation got lost in the mail.”
Speaker:“Lester, you weren’t invited.”
Speaker:The beaver tilted his head
Speaker:in an almost canine-like fashion.
Speaker:“I wasn’t? Didn’t you say the party was for friends and colleagues?
Speaker:I’m a colleague, ain’t I?”
Speaker:Keith’s ears flattened in annoyance.
Speaker:“I said it was for friends and Collies, Les.”
Speaker:The dog was interrupted by his wife, who stepped up beside him.
Speaker:“Hey, honey. Who’s your friend?” she asked. “Lester
Speaker:Moore,” said the uninvited guest.
Speaker:“I’m a friend of Keith’s from work.”
Speaker:Lester turned to his coworker. “See?
Speaker:As a friend, I’m welcome, right?”
Speaker:Keith rubbed his temple and sighed in resignation.
Speaker:“Lester, come in and meet my wife, Cynthia.”
Speaker:“Please call me Cindy,” said the hostess as she extended a hand in greeting.
Speaker:The beaver took Cynthia’s paw and kissed the back of it.
Speaker:“Can I just call you Beautiful?” he asked.
Speaker:Lester licked his lips.
Speaker:“Keith, you are one lucky dog!
Speaker:Rrruff! Ruff!” The female Collie suddenly looked rather uncomfortable.
Speaker:Keith took his coworker by the elbow
Speaker:and steered him away from Cynthia.
Speaker:“Let me pour you a drink, Lester.”
Speaker:“I see I’m not the only non-Collie here,”
Speaker:said Lester as he jerked his thumb at a black-and-white male dressed in a colorful Hawaiian shirt.
Speaker:The dog’s ears laid half-flat,
Speaker:two triangular pennants,
Speaker:poking out away from the sides of his head.
Speaker:His bobbed tail wagged as he laughed in response to a joke told by a Bearded Collie.
Speaker:“That’s Boney,” said Keith,
Speaker:“and for the record, he’s a McNab Collie.
Speaker:Collie.” “I know I’m no expert on dog breeds,” said Lester,
Speaker:“but you’ve got to be putting me on.
Speaker:That’s a Collie? My money was on him being a Terrier of some sort.”
Speaker:“Trust me,” said Keith.
Speaker:“He’s related to Cindy somehow. Second or third cousin. Something like that.”
Speaker:The dog put some ice in a glass and held it up. “What’ll
Speaker:you have?” “Whiskey sour?”
Speaker:the beaver said hopefully.
Speaker:“No egg whites,” Keith informed his guest.
Speaker:“That’s okay. I can live without ‘em”.
Speaker:The beaver looked around the room, squinting through his thick eyeglasses.
Speaker:“Yowza!” he exclaimed.
Speaker:Keith looked up from the cocktail he was mixing
Speaker:and followed the rodent’s nose which was pointed at a portly female Border Collie.
Speaker:“Les…” he said with a warning tone.
Speaker:But the beaver was already waddling toward the curvaceous Collie.
Speaker:“Hey there, pretty lady,”
Speaker:he said, “I was checking you out from the bar.”
Speaker:Lester licked his lips.
Speaker:“I’m no expert on dog breeds,” he said,
Speaker:“but I know a ‘Broader’ Collie when I see one and I like what I see.”
Speaker:Lester was interrupted by the appearance of his host
Speaker:who pressed a whisky sour into his paw. “Here’s
Speaker:your drink, Lester,”
Speaker:Keith said as he steered the rodent away from the offended female.
Speaker:Keith leaned down,
Speaker:his long, pointed nose an inch from the beaver’s ear.
Speaker:“What are you doing?
Speaker:She’s married!” the canine hissed.
Speaker:“Yeesh! Take it easy, pal.
Speaker:And for the record a
Speaker:lot of married women have lined up for a piece of Lester.”
Speaker:“Aren’t you dating what’s-her-name? Lydia?”
Speaker:Lester held up his left paw.
Speaker:“You don’t see a ring here, do you?”
Speaker:“Didn’t you see the ring on Tina’s hand?”
Speaker:“Who’s Tina?” Keith huffed.
Speaker:“Tina is the Border Collie you were just hitting on.
Speaker:Now drink your drink and try to behave yourself.
Speaker:Look, Zeke is over there. Why don’t you go talk to him for a while?
Speaker:I’ve got to fix some more drinks.”
Speaker:Relieved to make Lester Moore somebody else’s problem for a while,
Speaker:Keith returned to the small bar he had set up on the other side of the living room.
Speaker:A quick glance confirmed that Lester had located Zeke.
Speaker:The two males were conversing jovially
Speaker:while Zeke’s fiancée stood nearby,
Speaker:sipping a glass of Zinfandel.
Speaker:After fixing a few cocktails,
Speaker:Keith looked across the room again.
Speaker:Lester was still chatting with Zeke,
Speaker:but the Australian Kelpie had removed herself from the two males and was now chatting with Cindy.
Speaker:Some time later, Lester returned to the bar with an empty glass.
Speaker:“How about a refill, buddy?”
Speaker:he said. “Sure thing,”
Speaker:said Keith as he began measuring out a shot of Old Grand Dad into the beaver’s glass.
Speaker:“Are you having a good time?
Speaker:What happened to Zeke and Michelle?”
Speaker:“I think they went up to your bedroom to fuck,”
Speaker:Lester said, matter-of-factly.
Speaker:“Dog, Lester! Keep it down, will you?”
Speaker:“Hey, what’s the problem?
Speaker:Mating is our most basic mammalian instinct.
Speaker:Everybody does it.”
Speaker:“Maybe so,” growled the Rough Collie,
Speaker:“but you don’t have to announce it to the entire party. Besides, I seriously doubt that Zeke and Michelle would have sex in my bedroom.”
Speaker:“Speaking of sex,” said Lester with a look over his host’s shoulder,
Speaker:“how about introducing me to that female Collie?”
Speaker:Keith turned to look in the direction that Lester was staring.
Speaker:“What female Collie?”
Speaker:“That one,” Lester insisted, pointing across the room.
Speaker:“The short Rough Collie standing all by herself.”
Speaker:“That,” Keith said, “is a Shetland Sheepdog and for the record, ‘she’ is a ‘he’.”
Speaker:The beaver’s brow furrowed as he squinted through his glasses.
Speaker:“I thought her tits were a little small.
Speaker:You Collies have so much fur, it’s hard to tell.”
Speaker:“Lester…” “And damn! She’s the only one, excuse me, he’s the only one here that’s my height.
Speaker:You need some shorter friends, pal.”
Speaker:At that moment, Cynthia walked up to the two males.
Speaker:“Lester, are you having a nice time?” she asked politely.
Speaker:Lester turned to face his hostess
Speaker:and smiled, “Cindy Carson!
Speaker:Yes, I am. Hey, do you mind if I call you C.C.?”
Speaker:“Uh, I guess,” said the female.
Speaker:“Cindy,” said Keith,
Speaker:“maybe you can introduce Lester to some of your single female friends…”
Speaker:The male dog’s voice trailed off.
Speaker:Cynthia had flashed her husband a look that left him wondering if he’d be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Speaker:“I need to go prepare another plate of hors d’oeuvres,”
Speaker:she said firmly. “Why don’t you introduce them?”
Speaker:“I, uh…” Keith stammered. “I need to run up to the bathroom.”
Speaker:“It’s okay, buddy,” said the beaver.
Speaker:“I’m used to flying solo.”
Speaker:Fresh drink in hand,
Speaker:Lester set off in search of a female to woo with his charms.
Speaker:“Thanks a lot mister,” Cindy said to her spouse before heading off in the direction of the kitchen.
Speaker:Tail between his legs,
Speaker:the chastised male
Speaker:turned to the stairs which led to the upper floor.
Speaker:All was quiet in the upstairs hall.
Speaker:Keith paused outside the master bedroom.
Speaker:Was it his imagination
Speaker:or did he hear a panting sound coming from behind the door?
Speaker:Just as he reached for the knob,
Speaker:the bathroom door opposite him opened and a McNab Collie stepped out.
Speaker:“Hey, Keith!” said the black-and-white dog.
Speaker:“Great party! Thanks for having me over.”
Speaker:“Uh, you’re welcome, Boney.
Speaker:I’m glad you’re having a good time.”
Speaker:“Oh, yeah,” said the McNab, “and that beaver!
Speaker:Where’d you find him?
Speaker:He’s a riot!” “Uh, Lester is on my construction crew at work.”
Speaker:“Fun guy,” said Boney.
Speaker:“Hey, I’ll see you downstairs.
Speaker:Mind if I fix myself a drink?” “No,
Speaker:not at all. Help yourself.”
Speaker:Keith watched his wife’s second or third cousin trot down the stairs.
Speaker:He shook his head.
Speaker:“Lester? A fun guy?”
Speaker:he asked himself.
Speaker:The Rough Collie reached for his door knob once again
Speaker:but before his fingers made contact,
Speaker:Keith swore he could hear a female-sounding giggle come from the bedroom.
Speaker:“Hey, Keith!” Boney shouted from downstairs.
Speaker:“You got any more ginger ale?”
Speaker:“Yeah, I’m coming!” called the party host
Speaker:as he began his descent to the main floor.
Speaker:There was no one left in the hall to hear the words “me too”
Speaker:spoken with a distinct New Zealand accent from behind the bedroom door. ❖
Speaker:Downstairs, Lester had polished off his third drink.
Speaker:He found a female Smooth Collie
Speaker:that looked like she could use some smooth talk from a smooth male.
Speaker:He walked up to her boldly and licked his lips.
Speaker:“Hey, baby,” he said,
Speaker:“I know you’re not a beaver, but DAMN!”
Speaker:Without a word, the Smooth slapped Lester across the muzzle and stalked off.
Speaker:The beaver looked to a Border Collie couple standing nearby who witnessed the incident.
Speaker:“I think she likes me,”
Speaker:he said. ❖ Lester ran his tongue across the front of his big incisors
Speaker:and said to the Bearded Collie girl,
Speaker:“Hey sugar, this tongue goes all the way down.
Speaker:Do those legs go all the way up?”
Speaker:The female let loose with a slap that left the rodent reeling.
Speaker:Luckily for Lester it was on the side of his face opposite the one that her Smooth Collie cousin had slapped previously.
Speaker:The stars he saw faded after only two orbits around his head. ❖
Speaker:“Hey, honey! You might like to know that most of this beaver’s wood isn’t in the shed.”
Speaker:“Really?” said the well-dressed Rough Collie lady.
Speaker:“Let’s see.” She reached for Lester’s belt buckle
Speaker:and pulled it away from his body.
Speaker:Then she promptly dumped the remainder of her cocktail, ice and all,
Speaker:down the front of the beaver’s pants. ❖
Speaker:The party had wrapped up.
Speaker:Keith helped Cynthia pile the dirty dishes and drinking glasses into the sink.
Speaker:When they ran out of room, the remainder were piled on the kitchen counter.
Speaker:Keith took the trash out,
Speaker:had one final look around the rooms on the ground floor,
Speaker:then stepped out into the back yard for a breath of air
Speaker:that didn’t smell like a pack of dogs.
Speaker:The Rough Collie tilted his head back,
Speaker:looked up at the stars,
Speaker:and inhaled deeply. “Pretty,
Speaker:isn’t it?” Keith jumped and turned toward his backyard swimming pool.
Speaker:“Dog, Lester! You scared the crap out of me!”
Speaker:“Sorry.” “What are you doing in my pool?”
Speaker:“Floating on my back.
Speaker:Looking at the stars,”
Speaker:replied the beaver.
Speaker:“I mean what are you doing in there with your clothes on and how did you get in there in the first place?”
Speaker:“That big guy threw me in. ‘This
Speaker:will cool your ass off!’ he said.”
Speaker:“Big guy?” The Collie scratched the top of his head.
Speaker:“You mean Rick?” “Tri-color.
Speaker:Floppy ears. Paws the size of baseball mitts.”
Speaker:“Yeah, that’s Rick.” concluded Keith.
Speaker:“Did you say something to his wife?”
Speaker:Lester quoted himself:
Speaker:“Are you a drill sergeant?
Speaker:Because you have my privates standing at attention.”
Speaker:“Dog, Lester! I warned you to leave the married women alone!”
Speaker:Keith shook his head.
Speaker:“You’re lucky Rick didn’t break you in half.
Speaker:half.” “I was having an off night,”
Speaker:said the beaver. Keith wondered when his rodent friend ever had an on night.
Speaker:He began to chuckle.
Speaker:“Did you really say that to Rhonda?
Speaker:Privates at attention?”
Speaker:Lester looked at his friend.
Speaker:“Would I lie to you?”
Speaker:“You’re a lot of things, Lester, but I’ve never heard you lie.
Speaker:For the record, that line is funny as hell.”
Speaker:“You can use it if you want.”
Speaker:“Thanks,” said the Rough Collie,
Speaker:“but I won’t need it. I have Cindy.” The canine extended a paw out over the water.
Speaker:“Here, come on in and dry off.
Speaker:You can sleep on my couch tonight.”
Speaker:“Don’t I at least get the guest room?”
Speaker:Lester asked as he accepted Keith’s help out of the pool.
Speaker:“Cindy and I are sleeping in there tonight.”
Speaker:“Not your room?” “Zeke and Michelle are in there,”
Speaker:said Keith. “You were right about them, uh…”
Speaker:“Fucking in your bed?”
Speaker:“Yeah,” said Keith. “That room smells like all the musk in the southern hemisphere.”
Speaker:“Do you think they’d mind if I joined them?”
Speaker:“Lester!” “What?” “Couch.”
Speaker:This was “Friends and Collies”
Speaker:by Ursus Arctos,
Speaker:read for you by Khaki,
Speaker:your faithful fireside companion.
Speaker:You can find more stories on the web at thevoice.dog,
Speaker:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker:Thank you for listening
Speaker:to The Voice of Dog.