Why We Create Expectations about Ourselves

This episode is about D&D and it’s about life in some small way. Playing dungeons and dragons is something we do just like everything else we do, and because of that, we can often create expectations around the way we do things. 

I think it stems from our ability to think about how we think about things. Maybe subconsciously, we need some sort of purpose or we need to feel like we are achieving something.

Either way, having certain unchecked expectations can be pretty damaging and counterproductive. For the most part, D&D is just a game. For some people it’s a game that is part of their livelihood. Hopefully, for no one is it life or death. Because of that, I think we need to all relax a little bit, breathe and readjust some of our personal expectations that might be making things less than fun.

I can’t take breaks

Believe me, I know that you have had your campaign going for years now and you don’t want to risk it’s fading away by taking a week or two off. I’m in the same boat. My group has been playing for a little over 3 years and to be honest, everytime I think about taking a week or so off, it gives me a little anxiety.

But guess what?

That anxiety is all in my head. 

If we took a week off, we would be back the next week. This expectation is false because everyone in my group is committed to the game.

I know that because we’ve been doing it for 3 years.

So if you have thought that maybe you could use a break as the DM, don’t let yourself stop you from getting a probably well-deserved break.

Either take a week off, or have one of your players DM for a session. In my campaign, I invited each of my players to take on the DMing of storiella within the campaign. Two have taken me up on my invite and we enjoyed their one-shots tremendously.

The best part for me was being able to relax for a week span here and there and let myself recharge a little bit. It also clued me into the fact that things might have gotten a bit stale. For example, I haven’t been doing as many combat encounters as I used to. I’ve also let the story sort of wander away from me, rather than directing it like a stagecoach driver.

I can’t change things up

As I mentioned before, I’ve recently noticed that I’ve been doing things the same way and things have gotten somewhat stale. I noticed this during my last session with my players in which is was pretty apparent that everyone was somewhat bored. I decided to end the session early and move onto the next story element, rather than making them slug away at the boring parts.

Too often, we slip into routine. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. Routine helps us maximize effort and optimize brain power. It’s exhausting to think of everything, that’s why when you have new experiences it seems that time slows down or more fits into a period of time. When you do routine things instead, you find that time passed more quickly, and frankly, sometimes time passes without you realizing what is going on. You find yourself somewhere without knowing how you got there.

When it comes to D&D, routine can be both good and bad. The key is to key off your players. If they seem like they are enjoying every single session, then bully for you. If not, then you should change things up. As they say, “If you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always get what you always got.”

I have to do it THIS way

Youtube is an amazing invention. It has probably educated more people than the public education system ever has, simply because now if you have wifi, you have access to hundreds of millions of videos on all sorts of subjects.

In the world of Dungeons and Dragons, there are Youtube Dungeon Masters a plenty. For the most part, these Online DMs are talented, practiced and have spent many hours and lots of money creating a great D&D production.

Sometimes though, you and I might fall into the trap of watching their shows, loving every minute of it, and then slipping into the thought that everything we do has to mirror or resemble their methods. I know that I often stop myself from doing things just because, “Well, on Critical Role they do this…”

It’s wonderful to have role models and people to try to emulate. Becoming great often involves some form of imitation. The problem arises though when we shackle ourselves to an idea that holds us back and prohibits us from actually having fun. In my last session, as I’ve already mentioned, things had gotten stale. Let me explain a little more about the situation.

My party has entered the astral sea, which in my campaign, functions a lot more like the universe of Disney’s Treasure Planet, with astral ships and so forth. The party is on a voyage to a distant planet that will take them 25 days to get there. At first, I started with a random table so that everyday had the possibility of generating some strange event. Then two of my players hosted one shots, each one filling up one of the days of the voyage. 

After a while, I realized that the traveling bit of it, was rather boring. So contrary to what I believed about how Critical Role functions, I decided to do something radical. I finished the session, and told my party that I’m going to time jump the travel time from now on. I needed to know their plans. 

Whenever you watch the online Dungeon Masters play, they don’t seem to ever have informal planning sessions with their players. Instead, they seem to have everything planned out. 

First, they might have those sorts of planning sessions behind the scenes, we just don’t know. 

But second, it doesn’t matter what they do. What matters is what I do and whether or not it improves the gameplay for myself and my friends. 

Whenever you find yourself falling into the trap of thinking, “I have to do it this specific way,” catch yourself and fling yourself out of the trap. You’ll be happy you did.

I have to do the funny voices

“Welcome to Bolgren’s Inn!”

“Penny for your thoughts…”

“At last, my master plan has come to fruition…”

These funny voices are very… well, fun! Everyone likes the funny voices and everyone wishes they could perfect their accent.

But guess what.

You don’t actually have to do any voices.

That’s right. Your best bet might just be making sure the session happens at all. For many DM’s getting players to show up is much more important than whether this character has a South Carolina Accent or an Alabama accent.

In fact, our recent podcast episode with Audiobook Voice Actor, Victor Bevine, sheds a little more light on this topic. Victor said that the main character of any audiobook should be the closest to the actors natural voice. This is because that’s the voice that will be use the most. So even in the big leagues, having a funny voice isn’t near as important as the inflection, the tone, and the emotion behind the voice. Victor voiced Drizzt Do’Urden in R.A. Salvatores fantastic book series set in the Forgotten Realms. If you’ve ever heard the audiobooks, then you know that even though Drizzt’s voice is Victor’s voice, the emotion and tone are perfectly performed. So if nothing else, keep your same voice, but change the inflections and the tone and the emotion and no one will be bothered about the fact that you don’t do accents. They’ll be captivated by your performance just like Victor’s portrayal of Drizzt captivates.

I have to use minis

Now, you’re probably wondering why something like this would come from me, one of the founders of Monsters.Rent, a D&D mini subscription rental service…

Well, it’s because I truly believe that you don’t actually have to use minis. There are good reasons to use minis, but to be frank, if it is causing you headaches, then don’t bother with them.

I constantly say that at its heart, D&D is nothing more than a collaborative story. For that story you only need people, something to write, a story and an agreed-upon set of rules. Everything else is just extra layers. Sometimes in the world of being a dungeon master, you don’t have time to add the “extra layers” so don’t. Just do what you can and enjoy every second you can.

My players have to love every session

Obviously, we all want our players to love every single session. Honestly, it stings a little when you realize mid-session that your players are not having a fun time. There have been a few times when one player or another just hates what’s happening during the session. Because I’m a big softy, whenever this happens, I tend to lighten up things for that player and make it a little better.

But I don’t need to do that.

What I need to do is make sure the story is the best story they’ve ever heard.

In life, there are times that we really don’t like. But without fail, those times always teach us something and give us a different perspective. We may not like those difficult times, but we need the perspective. The same thing is true in a D&D session. Sometimes characters need the hard times to make their character more dynamic and to help them grow. If everything is easy, then the character’s life will be boring. Often, when things get difficult for the character, the player will not be happy, unless they are a masichist.

So rather than ensuring your players love every session, focus on helping your players love the campaign and the story. It’s not a perfect line to walk, but you can do it.

I can’t ask for help

Asking for help is a very difficult thing for some people. Most people I know who Dungeon Master, have become dungeon masters for one of a few reasons:

1. No One Else will do it.

This reason is very common. Not many people want to dive into being a dungeon master so there are a select few who bite the bullet and step up to the plate.

1. They want to tell a story

Others become DM’s because they want to learn how to tell good stories and they believe they are the ones that can do it. There is a certain amount of pride in these people. They feel that they are good storytellers and that they can make an amazing experience.

1. They Love Performing

Still others relish the thought of performing in front of others and being the actor at centerstage. Here too, there is a fair amount of pride.

With the last two reasons, pride is at the heart of why a person becomes a DM. That means for a lot of people, asking for help is a very hard thing to do. But take it from me. Just ask for help.

I’ve already mentioned before how I asked my cohost Tanner Weyland for some help with a one-shot I was planning. It was a prison break type one-shot, and he completely removed one of the barriers I was having in creating the one-shot just by asking a simple question.

Even in my current campaign, I asked my players to help me by hosting one-shots themselves so I could have a small break. There is nothing wrong with asking for a little help. 

I’m not good enough to be a DM

I don’t want to spend too much time on this one because frankly, it’s completely erroneous. Let me just tell you something. Either you are good enough to be a DM, or no one is. 

It’s a game for goodness sake. You may not do it as good as some of the more practice DMs, but that’s ok. It requires skills that need practice. 

Honestly, I myself have dealt with some feelings of inadequacy. I’ve been DMing for a while now, I recently have played a couple one-shots with my buddy Jake Packham of the Dungeon Mastermind podcast. He is amazing! I asked him how many times he’s DMd and he said a handful… But he is still so much better than I am. 

Guess what?

That is awesome!

That in no way makes me a worse DM. It just makes me want to play at Jake’s table that much more.

Instead of thinking how good everyone else is compared to you, spend time enjoying being a dungeon master. We tend to ruin ourselves by overthinking things.

Stop.

Just stop.

Enjoy the moment and you’ll realize that you are good enough and getting better everyday.

I have to be perfectly prepared

This last one might be controversial, but you don’t need to be perfectly prepared. There is such a thing as improvisation. Maybe you don’t have all the names of your NPCs perfectly picked out. No problem. Make them up. 

You’ll probably make up some pretty silly names but once you get better, no one will think twice about the names you make up.

Maybe your players decide to follow an adventure hook that is really only half baked. 

Great.

If you need to, put a pause on the session for 15 minutes to give you some time to prepare what comes next. That’s ok too.

No one has everything completely mapped out. No one needs to.

Instead, we need to roll with the punches, plan as much as we can and enjoy the game as it’s going along because we are a player in the game too.

Don’t forget that.

Often times, our expectations are what set us up for failure. Because D&D is a game, we should really lower our expectations of ourselves and our players. Simply enjoying the experience can make it much more enjoyable. Then again, expectations are what eventually make us great. Who’s to say that you shouldn’t hold yourself to the highest D&D standard. You could after all, become the world’s greatest DM who ever lived. If you do, I just ask that you invite me to your table once or twice. Thanks for listening to today’s show. We’ll be back next week for another amazing episode. Until then, let’s go ahead and roll initiative.

Mentioned in this episode:

Signup for Our Email Newsletter

Do you love the show but can't always listen to it? Do you prefer written content? Go to session0studios.com/newsletter/ and sign up to get weekly tips and tricks sent to your inbox so you can become the greatest DM the world has ever seen.

Level Up Guide

Brought to you by Session 0 Studios

Visit session0studios.com for more information.

Add the Magic of Sound to Your Gameplay

When you set the scene you need to tap into the five senses. When it comes to sound one of the best ways to do that is with music, sound effects, and ambience. That’s why we’ve teamed up with Monument Studios. Monument Studios provides an easy-to-use Soundboard perfect for Dungeon Mastering. If you want to see this in action, go to fantasy-plus.com and get 10% off of your first month of their Fantasy+ App by using the code BETTERDM at check out. Again that is fantasy-plus.com and BETTERDM at checkout.

Monument Studios

Welcome back to How to be a Better DM. Today I'm your host, Justin Lewis, and

as always, we're here to help you tell better stories. One quick announcement

that we didn't put in today's housekeeping items.

One quick announcement that we didn't exactly put in today's announcements before

the show is that the sister company Monsters.Rent and How to be a Better DM are

officially combining. Yeah, this is a big, big announcement because it means that

in the process of the next few months, everything that you find at BetterDungeonMaster.com

will actually be moved over to Monsters. That's the website, Monsters with an S. Rent.

So, signing up for OneShots, you go over to Monsters.Rent. Buying merchandise,

Monsters.Rent. Even now, listening to the podcast, Monsters.Rent, unless you're

listening to it on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, any of the other

kind of tertiary ones. So, from now on, go to Monsters.Rent for any podcasting

needs surrounding How to be a Better DM. We're still calling it How to Be a Better

DM, but it's changing places where it lives, essentially. And we're combining

it, we're putting everything under the same roof, so that way we can give you

better resources now that we have the backing of Monsters.Rent even more. Now

let's get into today's show. So...

This episode is about D&D.

and it's about life in some small way. Playing Dungeons and Dragons is something

we do just like everything else we do, and because of that, we often create expectations

around the way we do things. I think it stems from our ability to think about how

we think about things. Maybe subconsciously we need some sort of purpose or we need to

feel like we're achieving something so we create these arbitrary goals, if you

will. Either way. having certain unchecked expectations can be pretty damaging and counterproductive.

And for the most part, for most people, D&D is just a game. For some people, it's a

game that is part of their livelihood, right? But hopefully, for no one, is it actual

life and death. And because of that, I think we need to all relax a little bit.

Just breathe. And maybe readjust some of our personal expectations that might be

making things less fun. So... Without further ado, let's...

So, without further ado, let's talk about some expectations that you might need

to adjust. Number one, I can't take breaks. Believe me, I know that you have had

your campaign going for years now, and you don't want to risk it fading away by

taking a week off or two. You know, I'm in the same boat. My group has been playing

for a little over three years, and to be honest, every time I think about taking

a week off or so, It gives me a little bit of anxiety. But guess what? That anxiety,

it's all in my head. If we took a week off, we would be back the next week. This

expectation that I can't take a break is false because everyone in my group is committed

to the game. I know that because we've been doing it for three years. So if you have

thought that maybe you could use a break as the DM. Don't let yourself stop yourself

from getting a probably well-deserved break. either take a week off or have one of

your other players DM a session. In my campaign, I invited each of my players to

take a turn DMing a storiella, or a one shot you could say, within the campaign.

Two have taken me up on that invite and we enjoyed their one shots immensely. And

the best part for me was being able to relax for a week here and there.

and recharge a little bit. It also clued me into the fact that things might have

gotten a bit stale on my end. For example, I haven't been doing as many combat

encounters as I used to. And I've also let the story sort of wander away from

me, rather than directing it like a stagecoach driver would a stagecoach. Number

two, I can't change things up. As I mentioned before, I've recently noticed that

I've been doing some things the same way and because of that things have gotten

a little stale. I noticed this during my last session with my players. It was pretty

apparent that everyone was getting bored. So I decided to end the session early

and just directly move into the next story element rather than making them slug

away at the boring parts. Too often we slip into routine. And this is both a good

thing and a bad thing. and optimize brain power, because it's exhausting to think

of everything every moment. That's why when you have new experiences, it seems

like time slows down or more

or more fits into a period of time because your brain is coming out of routine

to process something new. But when you do routine things, you find that time passes

more quickly. And frankly, sometimes time passes without you realizing what is going

on. Have you ever driven somewhere only to get out of the car and realize, how

did I get here? I don't remember driving here. You find yourself somewhere without knowing

how you got there. When it comes to D&D, routine can be both good and bad. And

the key is to key off of your players. If they seem like they're enjoying every single

session, then bully for you. But if not, then you should change things up. As they

say, if you've always do...

As they say, if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get

what you've always got. Number three, I have to do it this way. YouTube is an amazing

invention. It has probably educated more people than the public education system

ever has because now, if you have Wi-Fi, you have access to hundreds of millions,

if not billions of videos on all sorts of subjects. in the world of Dungeons and Dragons

that are our YouTube dungeon masters aplenty. And for the most part, these online

DMs are talented, practiced, and have spent many hours and probably lots of money

creating a great D&D production. Sometimes though, you and I might fall into the trap

of watching their shows, loving every minute of it, and then slipping into the thought

that everything we do has to mirror or resemble their methods. I know that often,

I stop myself from doing things just because, well, on critical role they do this...

It's wonderful to have role models and people to try and emulate. Becoming great

often involves some sort of imitation, but the problem arises that when we shackle

ourselves to an idea that holds us back and actually prohibits us from having

fun. In my last session, as I've already mentioned, things had gotten stale. Let me

explain a little bit more about the situation. My party has entered the Astral

Sea, which in my campaign functions a lot more like the universe of Disney's Treasure

Planet with astral ships and so forth. It's a lot more science fiction. The party

is on a voyage to a distant planet and the voyage will take them 25 days to get

there from where they started.

At first, I started with a random encounter table that I would roll on every

single day that had the possibility of generating some sort of strange event. And

then two of my players hosted one shots, each one filling up one of the days

of the voyage. And on their one shots, they made the adventures much more story-driven

rather than random encounter. After a while, I realized that traveling 25 days

was pretty boring. So contrary to what I believed about how critical role functions,

last session I decided to do something radical. I realized, hey, this is going nowhere,

so I finished the session early, and I frankly told my party, my friends at my table,

I said, hey, I'm going to time jump these 25 days because these 25 days are boring,

right? I need to know your plans. At the end of the session, I had an NPC come

to one of the players with an idea for how to... infiltrate a particular place

once they get to their destination essentially. And this NPC said we can kind

of go on this side quest to get information on how to infiltrate it, or we can just wing

it, right? So at the end of the session, I told my players, I said, I got to know what

you guys want to do, because that's how I'm going to plan next session. And we're

not going to do this traveling 25 days bit, right? It's boring. You guys... Frankly,

I don't know how to make it fun. I probably could if I knew how to, but right

now I don't. So we're gonna move on and my players. Funny enough, they seemed to

be energized by that at the end of the session, right? They were much more energized

at the thought of, okay, we're getting to our destination, something real is happening.

they were much more energized by that thought than during the session while we're

actually playing. So whenever you watch the online Dungeon Masters play, they

don't seem to ever have informal planning sessions with their players like I did. However,

they seem to have everything planned out. First, they might actually have all sorts

of planning sessions with their players behind the scenes, we just don't know. But

second, it doesn't matter what they do. What matters is what I do and what you

do. and whether or not it improves the gameplay for yourself and your friends.

Whenever you find yourself falling into the trap of thinking, I have to do it

this specific way, catch yourself. And fling yourself out of the trap, because

you'll be happy you didn't. Number four, I have to do the funny voices. Welcome

to Bowgreens Inn. At last my master plan has come to fruition. These funny voices

are well, you know, they're fun, right? And everyone likes the funny voices and everyone

wishes they could do them perfectly and perfect their accent. For me it's the South

African accent that I struggle with. But guess what? You actually don't have to

do any voices. That's right. Your best bet might just be making sure the session

happens at all. For many DMs, getting players to show up is much more important than

whether this character has a South Carolina accent or a Southern Alabama accent.

That was probably not Alabama, probably more Georgia, but whatever. In fact, our recent

podcast episode with audiobook voice actor Victor Baveen sheds a little more light

on this topic. This is episode...

Episode 97.

Victor said that the main character of any audiobook should have a voice closest

to the actor's natural voice. This is because that's the voice that will be used

the most. So even in the big leagues, having a funny voice isn't nearly as important

as the inflection, the tone, and the emotion behind the voice. Victor voiced Driss

D'Ordin in R.A.

And if you've ever heard the audiobooks, then you know that even though Drist's voice

is essentially Victor's voice, the emotion and the tone behind the voice are perfectly

performed. So if nothing else, keep your same voice, but change the inflections

and the tone, and more importantly, the emotion. And no one will be bothered about

the fact that you don't do accents. They'll instead be captivated by your performance,

just like Victor's portrayal of drizzt captivates. Number five, I have to use minis.

Now you're probably wondering why something like this would come from me, one

of the founders of Monsters.Rent, a D&D mini subscription rental service. Well,

it's because I truly believe that you don't actually need minis. There are good

reasons to use minis, but to be frank, if it is causing you headaches, then don't

bother with them. I constantly say that D&D at its heart is nothing more than

a collaborative story. For that story, you only need people, something to write, a

story, and an agreed upon set of rules. Everything else is just extra layers. And sometimes

in a world of being a dungeon master, you don't have time to add the quote unquote

extra layers. So don't. Just do what you can and enjoy the session. Your players

will enjoy it as well. Number 6. My players have to love every single session.

Obviously we want all of our players to love every single session. However, honestly

it stings a little when you realize mid-session that your players are not having

a fun time. There have been a few times when one player or another in my sessions

just hates what's happening during the session. And because honestly I'm a big

softy, Whenever this happens, I tend to just lighten things up for that player and

kind of give them a cool experience and make it a little bit better. But frankly,

I don't need to do that and you don't need to do that. What we need to do is make

sure that the story is the best story they've ever heard. In life, there are times

that we really don't like, but without fail, those times always teach us something

and give us a different perspective. And we may not look... We may not like those

difficult times, but we need that perspective. And the same thing is true in

D&D sessions. Sometimes characters need the hard times to make their character

more dynamic and help them grow. And if everything is easy, then the character's

life will be boring, which makes the game boring for the player. And often when

things get difficult for the character, the player will not be happy unless they're

a masochist. So rather than ensuring your players love every session, focus on helping

your players love the campaign and the story. It's not a perfect line to walk,

but you can do it. And with a little practice, your players will start to see what

you're doing and they'll like you for it. And well, maybe they'll love you for

it. Who knows? Number seven, I can't ask for help. Asking for help is a very difficult

thing for some people. Most people I know who dungeon master have become dungeon

masters for one of a few reasons. Number one. probably the most common, no one

else will do it. This reason is very common and not that many people want to dive

into being a dungeon master. So there are a few who decide to bite the bullet and

just make it happen for everyone else at the table. Number two is they want to tell

a story. Others become DMs because they want to learn how to tell good stories

and they believe that they are the ones that can do it. And to be frank, there's

a certain amount of pride in these people. They feel that they are good storytellers

and that they have the ability to make a great experience. Or number three, they

love performing. Still others relish the thought of performing in front of others

and being the actor at center stage. And here too, there's a fair amount of pride.

Within the last two reasons, pride is at the heart of why a person becomes a DM.

And that means for a lot of people asking for help, it's hard. But take it from

me, just ask. I've already mentioned before on the show that I've asked my co-host

Tanner Wayland for some help before with a one-shot I was planning. It's a prison

break type one shot and I was struggling with kind of the main conflict driver. And

I asked him and he completely removed some of the mental barriers I was having in

creating the one shot just by asking a couple simple questions. Even in my current

campaign, I asked my players to help me by hosting one shots themselves just so

I could have a small break. There is nothing wrong with asking for a little help.

Number eight, I'm not good enough to be a DM. I don't really want to spend too

much time on this one because frankly, it's completely erroneous. Let me just tell

you something, either you are good enough to be a DM or no one is. I mean, it's

a game for goodness sake. You may not do it as well as some of the more practiced

DMs out there, but that's okay. It requires skill and honestly, it needs practice.

You know, I myself have dealt with some feelings of inadequacy as a DM. I've been

dungeon mastering for a while now, and I recently played a couple of one shots

with my buddy, Jake Packham of the Dungeon Mastermind podcast. You guys should

definitely check it out. But he is amazing. I asked him how many times he's DM'd

and he said, ah, just a handful, of a, you know, a few times. And, and it just

blew me away because he is so much better than I am. But guess what? That is awesome.

That in no way makes me a worse DM. It just makes me want to play at Jake's table

that much more. So instead of thinking how good everyone else is compared to you,

spend time enjoying being a Dungeon Master. We tend to ruin ourselves by overthinking

things. So just stop. Just stop. Enjoy the moment. And you'll realize that you are

good enough in this moment and that you're also getting better every day. This

last one might be a bit controversial, but you don't need to be prepared for everything.

There is such a thing as improvisation, and maybe you don't have all the names of your

NPCs perfectly picked out. So no problem, just make them up. You'll probably make up

some pretty silly names, but once you get a little bit better at making up names,

no one will think twice about the names you make up. Maybe your players decide

to follow an adventure hook that really is only half-baked. Well great! If you need

to, just put a pause on the session for like 15 minutes and take some time to prepare

what comes next. That's okay too. No one has everything completely mapped out,

and no one needs to. Instead, we need to roll with the punches, plan as much as we

can, and enjoy the game as it's going along, because we are a player in the game

too. Don't ever forget that. Oftentimes, our expectations are what set us up for failure.

Because D&D is just a game, lower our expectations of ourselves and our players,

while still striving for excellence. Simply enjoying the experience can make it

that much more enjoyable. And then again, expectations are what eventually make

us great, so who's to say that you shouldn't hold yourself to the highest D&D

standards? You could, after all, become the world's greatest DM who ever lived. And

if you do, I just ask one simple favor. Invite me to your next game so I can enjoy

your prowess. Thanks for listening to today's show. We'll be back for another

episode next week on Thursday. Until then, my friends, let's go ahead and roll initiative.