Jack takes on a repair job at a zoo, and finds herself in the middle of a supernatural lover's spat.

JACK OF ALL TRADES is a Faustian Nonsense Original. Check it out and read the full scripts under "transcript" at faustiannonsense.com/jack-of-all-trades , and subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/faustiannonsense .

Cast:

Jaci Szilagyi as Jack Withers

Joe Cruz as Jose Perez

Trevor Schechter as Ilci Scarlassara

Sarah Pierpont as Kavitha Hunt

Benjudah Feinen as Morgan Gray

Luke Patrick as Park Manager

Episode 9: Seal the Deal

INTRO

JACK

Hi! I’m Jack. Listen closely, it’s all real and very, very important.

JOSE

You still think this is some grand adventure, don’t you?

JACK

It’s my story. Our story.

Thanks for listening to...Jack of All Trades.

JOSE

Is that seriously what we’re calling it--?

[Cut to intro music.]

SCENE ONE

[Keystone activates]

PARK MANAGER

You’re with Fidus Achates, right? Good to meet you!

JACK

Sure! Yeah, I guess I am, haha.

PARK MANAGER

...Everything alright?

JACK

It’s been a weird couple of days. Don’t worry about it. So you’ve got some vandalism or something? Who vandalizes a zoo?

PARK MANAGER

“Or something” is right. Listen, I won’t lie to you, the damage is...intense.

JACK

Oh. Um. Intense as in extensive? It’s just me here this time, so--

PARK MANAGER

It’s not really the repairs I want. I want to find out what’s causing it.

JACK

...What?

PARK MANAGER

I mean, it’s a zoo. Damage like what we’ve been seeing could be catastrophic if in the wrong place at the wrong time. Say this vandalism happens to the gazelle enclosure. Have you ever tried to chase down a panicky gazelle that just discovered a deep fear of cotton candy machines?

JACK

I...can’t say that I have.

PARK MANAGER

Me neither, and I don’t want to find out what it’s like.

JACK

Yeah, alright, that’s fair enough.

PARK MANAGER

Oh, good, Morgan’s here. Morgan! We’re over here!

MORGAN

Hi!

JACK

Hey!

PARK MANAGER

Morgan here is our night shift zookeeper. He’ll show you around.

MORGAN

Sure will.

PARK MANAGER

Great! I’ll leave you two to it, then. Fidus Achates, please feel free to make use of any supplies we have in storage to figure out what’s causing all this damage. Remember the gazelle and the cotton candy. I don’t want to live that.

JACK

No cotton candy for gazelles. Got it.

[She catches keys.]

PARK MANAGER

Perfect. See you Monday, Morgan.

MORGAN

See you Monday!

[Beat]

Sorry, I didn’t catch your name?

JACK

I didn’t give it. Humour me?

MORGAN

Sure.

JACK

What’s the most outrageous lie you can think of?

MORGAN

Turtles speak fluent quebecois french if you listen to them between 3am and 4am eastern time.

JACK

Wow. Alright. I’m Jack. ...Just had that one locked and loaded, huh?

MORGAN

What can I say? The turtles are chatty.

[Opening and closing of gates and doors.]

And...there it is.

JACK

Holy shit. Did someone drive a car through the food court?

MORGAN

Hard to say. It’s excessive isn’t it? I can’t imagine being compelled to do something like this.

JACK

That’s because you don’t share this person’s vendetta against Dippin’ Dots.

MORGAN

Reckless, thoughtless, and selfish is what it is.

JACK

Dippin’ Dots?

MORGAN

Destruction like this! Completely uncalled for.

JACK

Oh. Right. Uh. So this means a lot to you, huh?

MORGAN

Hm? What? Well! I care about the animals! And the people that come to the zoo. It’s my job to care.

JACK

Oh sure, gotta do your job. But...maybe it’s a bit personal, too?

MORGAN

No--

JACK

Hey, no judgment. I get pretty invested in my job these days. I don’t suppose you care so much you can tell what’s causing the damage? Would make my job easy for once. Could go home early.

MORGAN

Sorry. No early leaves for either of us.

JACK

Thought I’d ask.

MORGAN

I’ll be in the exhibit just around the corner. Holler if you need me?

JACK

[Hollers.]

MORGAN

Uh...?

JACK

Hollering. As an example.

MORGAN

Right. Yep. That’ll...That’ll do it.

[MORGAN leaves. Keystone deactivates after a bit.]

SCENE TWO

JACK

[Keystone activates, a seal is barking. JACK makes a surprised sound.]

Whoa! Hey there, fella. Sorry, didn’t mean to disturb your beauty rest.

[Seal barks again.]

I know, I know, I’ll be out of here soon, I’m sorry. Just gotta check on this bit here. You wouldn’t happen to know what made a mark like this against the exhibit door, do you?

[Seal keeps barking, obviously agitated]

Man, if I could speak seal...I could interview some witnesses like a real detective. Adorable witnesses, too. Way more fun than my usual workday.

[Barking gets more aggressive.]

Holy shit. Whoa. Okay, okay. I’ll just...come back when you’re asleep.

KAVITHA

[Seal transforms into a woman. A very, very angry woman.]

Like hell you will! Who do you think you are?

[There’s sounds of KAVITHA crossing the exhibit, hopping the fence and busting down the outer door again. JACK is sent flying.]

JACK

You--You’re--naked--! And a second ago you were a seal!

KAVITHA

Oh, don’t play stupid! I know Morgan’s been sneaking around. But to bring one of his stupid little toys here--

JACK

You’re a selkie!

KAVITHA

You’re insufferable. I’ll give you a reason to never play in my territory ever again.

MORGAN

[JACK screams, but MORGAN manages to get between them before KAVITHA lands any blows.]

Kavitha, calm down!

KAVITHA

Don’t you ever tell me to calm down. How could you, Morgan? How could you?

MORGAN

Oh god, this again. I told you already--

KAVITHA

Don’t lie to my face! I can see her! Yes, I see you trembling behind him. What are you, some kind of sprite? He always had a thing for sprites.

JACK

I’m--

MORGAN

Y’know what? Yeah! She’s a sprite and you finally caught me, Kav! Are you happy now? Can you stop ruining our home?

KAVITHA

You admit it!

JACK

Now, hold on--

MORGAN

[Using his siren’s voice]

Quiet now, dearest mistress. You know I’ll protect you. Aren’t we in love? I don’t think I could go a day without seeing the light in your eyes.

JACK

I...I feel the same way. How can I feel the same way? I...I think I love you.

MORGAN

Of course you do, pet.

KAVITHA

[Snarling]

You’re disgusting. I hope your transfer to San Diego goes through.

MORGAN

Jack, my heart. Come closer. I need you in my arms.

JACK

Anything you want. Anything.

[There’s a huge shattering crash of KAVITHA throwing something. She leaves]

MORGAN

[He stops using his siren voice]

Here. Sit here. It’ll wear off in a second. Don’t suppose anyone’s taught you how to resist a siren song? ...No, that figures not. It takes practice, don’t be hard on yourself.

JACK

What? But, my love--

MORGAN

Yeah that’ll go, too. Just like hers did, I guess.

[Beat]

I don’t know why I let her goad me like this.

JACK

Goad...

MORGAN

Here, take my water bottle. You’ll want to hydrate. Sorry. It’s just... We’ve been together for hundreds of years. Hundreds! I took down ships for her. The golden age on the sea was golden for humans but for us? Platinum. We were in love and we were unstoppable. ...We are in love, I mean. I think we are.

JACK

In love?

MORGAN

You’re not. I am. Or I dunno, maybe you are. I’m sorry about Kavitha.

JACK

That was...Kavitha.

MORGAN

Oh, welcome back.

JACK

And she’s your...girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend.

MORGAN

She was going to be my fiance, once I finished making a pelt. But now she’s...I don’t know. I wanted it to be a surprise, yknow? Something special. So I took trips to visit her old pod, really learn about the seas she grew up in. I don’t have a pelt of my own, so I was going to weave it--

JACK

A pelt. Because she’s a selkie.

MORGAN

Yes, try to keep up.

JACK

And you want to exchange pelts. To marry her.

MORGAN

Apparently that was a foolish idea, huh? I was gone for a bit, one of her cousins mentions me being in the ocean without her, and now here we are. She’s convinced I was cheating, and won’t stop lashing out.

JACK

Couldn’t you just tell her--

MORGAN

Oh, sorry, no, I’m not actually accepting feedback. Fidus Achates or otherwise, you’re still human, pet.

[Siren voice again]

Now be a love and forget everything you just saw.

JACK

[Woozy but not nearly as bad.]

What...?

MORGAN

[Frustrated, pouring more power into it.]

Forget. And sleep.

JACK

[She resists for a moment longer]

Wait, no--I--

[She yawns, aggressively. MORGAN sighs.]

MORGAN

Ugh, pass out already. Not the most convenient time to develop a tolerance. Here, tranqs outta do it.

[He stabs her with a tranq gun. She slumps over. Then picks her up. Starts walking.]

Up you go. C’mon. Let’s get you to the break room to nap it off. No sense in both of us losing sleep over Kavitha, right? Hah.

[Keystone deactivates.]

SCENE THREE

JACK

[Keystone activates, JACK’s grunting a little, struggling to climb a tree.]

I have been a Fidus Achates respondent for all of a month and a half, Ed, and in that time, I have...

I told someone he was dead, much harder than telling the next of kin. I lit a phone on fire, got chased by a velociraptor, then half-adopted a demon child. I helped a ghost move on from possessing my radio. I’ve been hunted by a pack of sadistic fae.

And apparently I have all of two weeks left.

There’s...something I have to be able to do with all this. I’ll keep everything quiet, I know, I don’t want you or Jose hurt when I’m gone. I just... If supernatural crap is what kills me, then it’s not coming away from the fight clean either. I’ll figure something out.

[She shuffles into position. There are distant sounds of KAVITHA and MORGAN squabbling in the distance.]

Selkies, Ed. Selkies and sirens. Selkies are super strong, apparently. Is there a manual for this? Does it have a section on selkie/siren ship drama? Climbing a tree to spy on that shit was never in my five year plan.

[More snippets of KAVITHA and MORGAN squabbling.]

Senor Sings-real-nice tried to make me forget what happened. But somehow I remember. I don’t know how but I do. And I’m not going to forget it. And if I do, I’ll have the keystone recordings. It’s gotta be getting all this, right? Here, let me--whoa, whoa--oh no--!

[JACK falling out of the tree and into the seal tank. Big splash. Sounds of JACK struggling, and KAVITHA jumping in after her. Seal underwater sounds. JACK makes panicked sounds, but is dragged to the surface. Gasping for air.]

KAVITHA

Morgan! You can’t just leave your little toys wandering about with all their memories! Do you have any idea how much trouble you could get into? What if she reported back to her superior about this?

MORGAN

Why do you care? I thought I was a “bastard son of a fishmonger.”

KAVITHA

Oh, don’t like me pointing out that your little toy is breakable? Should I put her back in the water, then? Would that make you happy?

JACK

[Still coughing.]

Kavitha, I’m not his girlfriend, he’s planning to propose to you!

KAVITHA

...What?

[Beat]

...Morgan...?

MORGAN

[Big sigh]

I...Well, yeah, Kav. Obviously I want to be with you. Forever, like we always talked about. But I needed to make a pelt, and--

KAVITHA

[She gasps]

Oh, Morgan. I had no idea. I thought...I mean it’s been so long, I figured you didn’t want to actually--. I was so scared that I was finally losing you.

MORGAN

Are you kidding me? Once I see a gal sinking a French galleon armed only with her claws, my heart is hers.

KAVITHA

[Giggling]

Is it any wonder I thought I might lose you? That silver tongue of yours, I swear.

JACK

Look, I’m really happy for you both, but you’ve got to stop with the whole--

KAVITHA

Or you’ll do what, Fidus Achates?

MORGAN

Hey, hey, Kav, shh. It’s alright. We have our home back. We have each other. This one isn’t so bad.

JACK

Fix it. Fix the mess. Clean everything up. You do that, and I’ll make it seem like none of this ever happened. Got it?

MORGAN

Yes ma’am!

KAVITHA

Suck up.

JACK

I’m gonna go pass out in the break room. Wake me up when the park manager gets in. I’ll...figure it out.

[Sopping boot steps and squelching clothing as she trudges back to the break room. Keystone deactivates]

SCENE FOUR

[Keystone activates]

MORGAN

[Using siren voice]

Wake up! And don’t be mad! You could never be mad at me, could you, pet?

JACK

Oh, I don’t know. Never say never.

MORGAN

You’re no fun. I’ve never seen someone build a tolerance that fast.

JACK

It’s been a hell of a week.

MORGAN

Well, I’ve got some good news for you at least. Manager came back just as Kav and I finished polishing the place up. He was so happy to see that we’d fixed everything and then some that he doesn’t even care how you did it. Here, this is for you.

JACK

[Sitting up and taking the envelope]

Huh? ...Oh fuck.

MORGAN

A tip!

JACK

A hundred dollar tip?

MORGAN

Pretty cheap, since he thinks you repaired thousands of dollars of property damage.

JACK

Don’t let anyone tell him differently. Hah. Okay. Okay! This is...Well, maybe I can finally go to that nice restaurant I’ve been eyeing. Maybe they have openings in the next two weeks.

MORGAN

C’mon, I’ll walk you out.

[They walk together, ambient sounds of the zoo.]

I...Thank you. Really. I don’t know how things would have gone if you hadn’t... I might have lost her.

JACK

Communication and honesty. Foundations of any good relationship. I think Oprah said that once.

MORGAN

Yeah. And she’s wise, even for a sylph.

JACK

A--? Y’know what, never mind. I’m ready to go home.

MORGAN

Thanks again, Jack. Come visit whenever you want, okay? The zoo is always open for you.

JACK

Yeah! I might take you up on that.

MORGAN

See ya around!

[He leaves JACK to go through the parking lot on her own. It’s dawn, birds are just starting to wake up. She’s trudging towards the car.]

JOSE

[He sounds bad. Hoarse, in pain, and barely lucid.]

I told you to run. Why didn’t you run?

JACK

[Stunned]

Jose?! Oh my god you’re bleeding--

JOSE

[He cocks his gun]

Run, Jack. Please. I don’t want this. I don’t want to do this.

JACK

Is this because of the fae? That deal you made? Jose, please, tell me what’s going on.

JOSE

[Struggling not to pull the trigger]

No shit, it’s the deal! Run! You idiot, run--!

JACK

[She finally starts running and there’s a gunshot. Silence for a while. Jack breathing heavily. There’s a thud of someone hitting the ground. She sounds weak.]

Jose...?

[JACK’s moving again, this time towards JOSE.]

No, Jose, please, tell me you didn’t--

ILCI

[Pushing to his feet, and setting the gun down gingerly.]

I would apologize for being late, but it would appear I’m just in time!

JACK

Jose?! You’re--?

ILCI

Not quite! I’m Ilci. Ilci Scarlassara. The...ugh... boyfriend ...that doesn’t exist, remember?

JACK

[Stammering, freaking out, and then she just goes quiet.]

The boyfriend that doesn’t exist is a ghost. Or demon. Whatever, don’t clarify, I don’t want to know right now.

Give me proof that Jose is okay and that you really are an ally.

ILCI

He says you’re getting much faster with the...stages of grief?

[Seemingly talking to himself]

Well that seems rather crass, love.

JACK

That’s him alright. Okay. Not my problem right now.

ILCI

Not your--? What?

JACK

[Getting into her car]

Nope! I’ll come talk to you tomorrow. Bye.

ILCI

[Faintly as JACK’s driving away.]

...Farewell, then.