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"Why Are We Here?" Our Neurodivergent Journey
Episode 1 • 1st August 2024 • Spark Launch: Neurodiversity Ignited • SparkLaunch.org
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Ever wonder why we're here? Why we exist? In our debut episode, hosts Mike and Chaya aim to explain why they've created this podcast along with how it ties into the grander question of finding your neurodivergent place in a neurotypical world. They share their personal stories of unmasking, learning to fight the societal status quo, shedding external validations, and building self-acceptance.

We also cover:

  • Authenticity as a Catalyst for Growth
  • Redefining "Weirdness"
  • Unmasking Your Neurodiverse Voice
  • Embracing Self-Compassion
  • Societal Expectations Leading to Mental Health Challenges

Quotes:

  • "It takes courage to be yourself in a world that constantly tries to make you something else."
  • "Healing doesn't mean the absence of pain. It means making peace with it."
  • "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken."
  • "It's okay not to have all the answers. The most important thing is to keep asking questions."

Subscribe for all our future interviews and deep dives, together we can strengthen the neurodiverse community.

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Transcripts

Speaker:

You've landed at Spark Launch, the guide star for embracing what it means to be neurodiverse.

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I'm Mike Cornell, joined by CEO of Spark Launch, Chaya Mallavaram. Here, we navigate mental health

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triumphs and tribulations from all across the spectrum, charting a course of the shared

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experiences that unite us, and discovering how to embody the unique strengths within

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neurodivergent and neurotypical alike, igniting your spark and launching it into a better tomorrow.

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Hello, everyone. I'm Mike.

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I'm Chaya.

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And welcome to Spark Launch. We're really excited to be here speaking with you on our very first

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episode. And to really start off, we wanted to explain a bit as to what the podcast is

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and answer the all-important question of why we're here.

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Yeah.

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I truly believe that the neurodiverse population have so much to offer to this world if we start

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living in our gifts and strengths that I believe all of us have. And once we start doing that,

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the challenges are so much easier to handle and overcome. And especially in the time,

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I feel we have this innate power to take the humanity forward. This is my weird thinking and

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belief that because we are so intricate and we are so complex that no machine can replace our brain

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and our mind. But it's important that we live in that brain, right? Live in that complexity

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of our brain. And once we start doing that and we overcome all those challenges that we have,

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we will be thriving. And I truly believe we can do that.

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And that's why I created the company, so that we can get over the challenges,

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whatever the challenges are. And some of them, you just accept it and start focusing on gifts

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and strengths.

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Yeah. And we live in a long history where there's a thousand different arms pulling you

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away from yourself and who you are and what exactly you're supposed to be doing.

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And with mental health challenges so much because we are in opposition to

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what we're feeling and guilt over what we're supposed to be feeling. There's a lot of supposed

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in regards to mental health and specifically with neurodivergency. I know for me, I'm late

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diagnosed autistic. Still, the ADHD diagnosis is currently eluding me, but that's only because

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it's very hard for an adult to get such things. And for me, so much of my life was spent trying to

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be normal. What is normal? Normal is what cultural osmosis has deemed it to be. It's very arbitrary.

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I said something to someone the other night I was talking about autism about and just neurodivergency

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in general. And she had said, for her, trying to get diagnosed with something, been curious about

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it, I should say, said like, you know, the only thing that throws me off is like, where does just

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where does just being weird starts and where does neurodivergency begin? And my point to her was how

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the question that really will trip you up is how much of our perception of what weird is has just

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been neurodivergency the whole time, but it's only just now starting to be understood. So you can

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yourself up to being weird or is it neurodivergency? And then how is weird negative? How is neurodivergency

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negative? Why is weird difference? What a great point. Yeah, we are so used to saying weird,

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right? So it comes naturally to me to say that I'm weird and different. But there's so much

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beauty in being weird, because who cares if you're weird or different? What really matters is what you

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do in this world. And so if we stop focusing on things that are

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don't serve us, especially the methodologies of doing it, or, or judging ourselves and judging

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others for who they are, and judging for their weirdness, or our own weirdness,

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the and, and stop, like, really focusing on those things. And just focus on on the impact

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on what you're doing, and, and how you're showing up in the world

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and what work are you leaving behind by being yourselves by being the beautiful you.

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I think, I think we will all be our authentic selves and shine from that authentic beauty

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that we all have, right? This world is built in a way that we are born, and then we start

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focusing externally. For instance, with school, we go to

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where, you know, which area do you want to live? Where do you want to? It's so externally focused

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that we don't look inside of us. And especially with the neurodivergent population, we all are so

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internally driven, that we first, we need to figure out who we are, and what our strengths

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and what are all those little things that we have to offer and then start,

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then go external and start offering that to the world in our own unique, weird ways.

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Yes, exactly. It's interesting to me that, like, autism and all that, like, it means, you know,

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of one's self, but so much of, quote unquote, treatments for it, or therapy for it is about

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unwinding yourself and moving yourself away. You know, ABBA therapy for autism is,

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like, ABBA therapists tried to connect with me on LinkedIn the other night. I was like, nope,

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not doing that. And because it's just about that. It's about changing neurodivergency.

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And I think it's weird that in the naming scheme of things, like etymology-wise, that being of

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oneself was viewed as negative. But, you know, allistic being of all, of being with other, that is seen as

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more positive. But it's so much of our society recommends and cherishes you being sure of yourself

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and steadfast. But if you actually do that, it is christened as weird. And no, you need to get in

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line. And I've never really understood the dichotomy. And I think that maybe is just something

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a lot of neurodivergents don't understand because of the way we tend to think in, like, very

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straight-lined, logical ways.

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Is that we see the invisible lines between what is promoted and then what is actually done. Because

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to us, based on what's promoted, we should fit in, right? Everyone should actually like us,

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quote-unquote, more based on what we're seeing. But in actual practice, we're shot down for being

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too much or noncompliant or weird or a little bit off or we talk too much. And I know for, like, for

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me, not even knowing I was masking was just, like, trying to figure out, like, I wanted to embrace

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myself and who I was and be who I was and see, like, the power that I held for my own life. But

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it wasn't getting me anywhere for the things that I needed to help serve me, you know, especially

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in social aspects. So I spent time masking from kind of one vague personality to another, never

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quite being myself except with me. And I think that's the thing that's so important. And I think

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with maybe one or two people, I would argue that I haven't really started being myself to my own

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family until about, like, five years ago. There and that, I was probably, I view a lot of me before

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that as, like, a weird stranger that I just kind of slipped into the skin of every single morning.

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Yeah, I think that happens a lot, right? And we want to get to a place where we are absolutely

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in love with ourselves. And,

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yeah, I had, I mean, I didn't introduce myself as being ADHD. I learned the term ADHD when my son

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got diagnosed with ADHD. And that's when I started looking at all the traits and characteristics. And

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I realized, oh, my God, that's me, every single one of them. And especially my biggest trauma was

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in just education, studying, because I had this ambition that I wanted to

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accomplish and be somebody. And every time I sat in front of the books, it just went over my head.

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I was a constant daydreamer, talking a lot in the class. But at the same time, I was ambitious. So

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that felt like it was going against the wind. I was not going with the wind, but just against

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the force. And so that's where my trying to fit in, trying to mask was what

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where I was, but felt uncomfortable. So, and, but once I got out of the college years with,

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I managed to get a degree in accounting, never really enjoyed it. But ever since then,

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I've tried to embrace myself fully. And it's been a slow journey, but, but I'm somewhat there,

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right? So, but it's such a relief, such a relief to, to be myself 100%. I don't know if it's 100%,

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100%, because I don't know what else is there, right? We are constantly uncovering,

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removing all those layers and figuring out what's, what's beneath the surface. And so it

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feels uncomfortable when you're masking and trying to be somebody who we are not in the inside.

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And as a child, I remember I, I always wanted my mother to love me for who I am.

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She, she did. She was a great mother, but there was always that, that thing saying,

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oh, can I just, just me love me for not because you're my, I'm your child, but love me for me.

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But, but before that, I think we, we have to love ourselves, right? I guess we never taught that

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as, as in the world to, to just love ourselves. I think it's, it's a learned,

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a skill. It's something that now everybody talks about it because we are so, such an externally

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focused, trying to fit in. Even, even the families are getting, asking their children to fit in.

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They themselves are trying to fit in to the invisible standards because who's setting up

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these rules? Who's setting up these standards? And, and so it's just so sad that,

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that, because of that, we feel challenged, especially as, you know, the neurodiverse people.

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But, but we can change that, right? We can change that. We can at least change that by, by looking

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at the, the problems. I think this is where it begins to actually acknowledging the pain and

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start talking.

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About the discomfort, the traumas, and not just living in, living with it. So, and examine it,

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examine the pain and see where it's coming from. And you sit with it and, and dissect it and,

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and just open it up and figure out like every little detail. And then, and then that's where

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all the answers, you get the answers to move forward. And that's why it's important to just

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acknowledge it and not do, uh, something which I actually hate, which is try to swipe it away with,

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uh, unearned positivity or toxic positivity, or, you know, uh, I think a lot with, um,

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neurodivergers are difficulties. We're made to feel kind of guilty about them in a lot of ways.

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Um, cause either, well, you're, I, I'm, I'm speaking as a uninformed neurotypical. And I

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have anything to complain about or, oh, but you know, look at all the amazing things your brain

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can do, you know, like for some sort of lifetime, original movie character or something like, no,

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there's some stuff that really sucks. I deal with every single day and I hate it sometimes.

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Yeah. There's, there's pros and cons, just like there's pros and cons to being a neurotypical,

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you know, but don't like try to placate me with, with not with saying I am not allowed to feel bad

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about things.

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Either with past trauma or mental health struggles, whatever else. And even if you're

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just neurotypical, but struggling with, with mental health, one of the best lessons you can

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learn is to just wade into that pool and deal with what's there. It's okay. You feel, you feel

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your feelings. It's okay to mourn something, even if it's yourself and it's okay to be frustrated

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and sad. You have to feel those feelings.

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Otherwise they're just going to build up in the back of your head.

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Yeah. It's, it's important to feel the feelings and it's important to sit with them. It's important

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to process them because yeah, when you process them there, you get so many messages and then

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you take those messages and you can start implementing them and that's how you move

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forward. But it's important that we acknowledge and we, and not deny the pain.

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Yeah. Because what happens is if we keep denying it, you keep putting it away and you can put it

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away for days, years, decades, and then, and then it will always come back, right? Whatever

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you're living with it. It's like a baggage. It's, it's, you're carrying this hundred pounds of

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luggage that you're carrying every single day.

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Yeah. It's like painting over mold.

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Yeah. And, uh, but if we, um, we, because when we,

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look at the pain, whatever that is, uh, there might be some message saying whatever that is

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right to the individual, maybe move in a different direction or, um, do something else. Uh, so, uh,

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so it's really, really important for us to, uh, sit with the pain and even to see where

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that is coming from. Uh, for instance, anxiety, I had a lot of that and even speaking. So for me,

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to even just come here and speak is a huge deal. Uh, I was, my voice was shut off. I truly believe

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in, in school because I was this talkative child. I was constantly punished for talking in class.

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Yeah. Horrible, horrible punishments. And I didn't know why, right. I didn't, I had no idea.

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And, and then you had to speak a certain way, um, or there's certain, the language, for instance,

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and even just, um, the ums and ahs, rules like that, right. Rules like that will stop me from

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being me. And, and so I had to believe in, in me and more importantly as to why we are doing this.

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And that's where my motivation comes from. Why are we even having this podcast? Why is it so

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important to talk about mental?

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Health and why, especially, uh, us because, uh, because we are, first of all, super sensitive

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people. We all know that there's a lot of emotions and we feel it and we, uh, we experiencing

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experience it a hundred times more, a thousand times more. And, and we carry that, those emotions

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with us. And, and as a result of which, um, we're not serving ourselves or others. Um, and, and so

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it's, it's really important for us to, uh, acknowledge that. And so for me, uh, just

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speaking in my own voice, I needed a huge mission to do that. So when, uh, and, and then I said,

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okay, I actually had to go to a class to learn how to speak from my heart. And that was just,

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uh, it was beautiful because, uh, that told me I was good enough, whoever I was or whatever I

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was. And, and it's the same with everybody, right? We're all good enough just the way we are.

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Uh, but we are always looking for external validation because somewhere in my childhood,

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I was told that I needed somebody's approval to be myself. Um, which is so sad. So the whole,

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all my life I've been like, who am I? Who is Chaya? Who is she? And, um, and, and yeah, and the answers,

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come, I think in following our heart and doing what we love. And, um, and for me, uh, and you,

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both of us, I know we want to empower, uh, this community and help them acknowledge and

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loving ourselves the way we are. And there's nothing called perfection. Our show is not

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going to be perfect, right? It's, it's all about, I think, uh, we want to be as authentic as,

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as we are. And I, yeah, I'm sure if I listened to this, I will, I will say, oh, Chaya, you said

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those words wrong or you pronounced incorrectly or things like that. But I'm, uh, I'm allowing,

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uh, myself to make those flaws so that I can be authentic for me. That is way more important.

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It's funny. Like one of the best things I was ever able to do for myself is I've been podcasting for

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a very, very, very long time. And I've been editing myself.

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And podcast for a very, very long time. And at first I was so self-conscious because I'm,

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I'm already self-conscious about how the, how I talk most of the time. Um, I talk very

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autistically. Like I, I finally started hearing other people, other autistic people speak. I was

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like, whoa, that's, that's like, I cried the first time I heard someone converse in the same,

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like twisted a pattern that I like I converse in because I was always self-conscious about it. But

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through years of editing and having to listen to myself, when you start having, when you start,

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like you start out, you edit yourself. So I'm just like, I'm trying to edit out all my,

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put my words together. So they make more sense, at least to me. Um, cause I am very self-conscious,

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but it turned into so much work. I had to just start accepting how I talk and then it just

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became normal. So I was able, I still deal with it, but I was able for the most part to separate,

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like, I'm not stupid because I talk that way.

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That's just how I talk. And, and it goes back to kind of what you said that we're always looking

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to be as good as somebody else as enough as another, but we're like, we're human beings.

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We're one single vessel. We are only capable of being as good as we ourselves are capable of

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being. So we just need to work on that and doing positive things for, for ourselves. I don't like

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to say healthy things for ourselves. Um, but.

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In a way that goes towards what, what we are at our core each individually.

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Yeah. Um, yeah, we are, um, good enough. And of course we have growth, right? So we need,

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we are, we are here on this planet to learn and grow, to contribute, uh, being ourselves,

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but the, but that's where, um, the skills are, the skills to be learned, for instance, execution,

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executive functioning. It was a learn skill for me. And, uh, I, uh, but it's not the majority of

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my job I'm living in, in my strengths. Um, but, uh, but I had to learn it. So it's important to

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be learned, but, um, but just being in our authentic selves feels natural, uh, feels

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beautiful. I wanted to ask you, you said, uh, autistic way of speaking. What is, what does

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that mean? I'm intrigued by that. Um, I mean, I, I, it's not a, uh, homogenous type thing. Um,

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though I do think a lot of autistics have like a very unique way of, of kind of conversing and

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speaking. I was, uh, talking to somebody, another autistic yesterday, and we both like,

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we're talking about our verbiage as we always tend to use what other people describe as like

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unnecessary big words or things like that. Um,

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and to us, it's like, that really doesn't have anything to do with like intelligence or us being

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well-read, just, we know the word and that's the word that goes there. Like, so it doesn't occur

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to us to not use like the maybe like ridiculous word that hasn't been used in like 200 years

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to us. We just know that's what that word means. So it slips in there. Um, but I've heard a lot

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of fellow autistics who speak very similar to me, uh, which is kind of, it's this still

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stop way of speaking where you're kind of like in a constantly constructing things. You use a lot

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of fillers. Um, you kind of twist around where you start in one, in one way of, of going into

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the cut into going into a sentence. Um, and then you take a left turn and you're still in the

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sentence, but you're, you're now doing, you're now putting it together in a completely new way.

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And then you circle back to how you originally were doing the sentence.

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And eventually you come at the end of what you were trying to say. And it's very,

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very confusing sometimes I think for other people to listen, but it's just the way our

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brain processes information. Like there's a start and stop and we're, we're kind of like

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pondering what we're saying. Um, and obviously not everyone has this. Um, and some, but I think

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each autistic person tends to have a specific unique way of kind of like their own of,

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of speaking and verbalizing. Um, some maybe talk a little bit faster. I know some speak much slower

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I kind of, I'm very stuttery. Um, I use a lot of filler words and I go back and forth in speed.

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Like I'll either talk really fast or I'll ponder myself very slowly for no real reason, honestly.

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Um, but it makes people think I'm deep in thought, which is pretty cool.

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As you're describing that, I feel that's me. So I'm like, that's exactly how I talk. I definitely

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speed up and I am lost in thought. So I'll ponder, I'll take that side road and, uh, and pick up a few

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things. Uh, so who knows what I am, right? What else, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

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Um, but it's, but what is great as you're describing that is, um, is, is it's important

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to know that just, just having that awareness.

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My, uh, brain wanders is, is, uh, is amazing, uh, because in that, in that knowing, um, there's a

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lot of self-acceptance and, uh, and I, I, I, uh, for me, I have to, uh, it's important to, for me

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to let others know about that. Uh, with my husband, I always tell him, this is the way I speak.

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This is who I am. I will wander off. I will go off the tangent, uh, because yeah, it happens. It's

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fine. Yeah. It keeps things interesting. It keeps things interesting. I made a, um, not to talk about

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social media, but I made an Instagram post, like, I think it was like last week or something. And I,

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I was about social scripting, like specifically like autistic social scripting. I think nearly

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every, so many neurodivergents deal with social scripting, but it was about, I won't go into

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all of it, but the joke of it and something that's happened to me on numerous occasions is

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whenever I'm like ordering food and this is either in person or over the phone, though it happens

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over the phone more often is I have repeated, like what I'm going to say to the person over and over

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in my head so much that when we start the conversation, I have said, this has actually

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happened. Hi, I'm large pizza. And it's just the words get confused in there. And that's what Lord

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out. I've, I've been other things too. You know, I haven't been just large pizza. I've been a sub,

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uh, you know, I've been various culinary delights. Oh, wow. Yeah, no, that's happened to me. I used

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to think that I had to speak a certain way. Right. So, so I I've spoken to so many other people and,

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and that's the problem, uh, that, uh, a lot of them face is that they feel they have to, uh,

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script and say words a certain way.

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And, and a lot of energy is spent on just that script that you forget the content. And so,

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which is what is really more important is, is what is it that you want to communicate and not

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how you're communicating. And, uh, and so, yeah, that is where I learned how to drop into the heart

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space, kind of bypassing the brain and speak from the heart. We were in, uh, when I went to the

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workshop, we had, we would break out into these rooms and, and other people would actually see

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me speak and say what they felt. And they all had one or two positive things to talk about. And,

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and I had to hear that to believe that I actually spoke with passion. And so it was, uh, that's where

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I, I, I had to, we had to learn how to not overthink with,

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with the scripting, with the sentences and just drop into the heart space and speak from there.

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And that's what actually got me here. And I can talk from my heart right now and things that I'm

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passionate about.

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That's awesome. Yeah. It tends to be, if you're passionate about it, you have an easier time

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talking. That's how it's always been for me. I can, you know, we talk about film or literature

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or something. I'll go off forever and be, and I have a perfectly easy time. But if you ask,

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try to ask me about the weather or some like medical thing, I would just, yeah. You know,

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I literally now sometimes if I have to like call my doctor's office for information,

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I literally write it out on a pad because it's the only way I'm able to like stay focused enough

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in the conversation because I'm just, I don't care that much. And I don't already don't want

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to do it because I don't want to make a phone call. Exactly. Yeah. So it's so much easier when

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you work from your passion, right? Talk about things you're passionate about. I don't like

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to talk about the weather. I don't like to talk about politics. I don't like to,

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talk about so many other things. And so I will not, I won't even attempt to talk about it and

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I will not be in that space. Like the weather, sometimes there are days that I, you know,

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I can go by without knowing what weather is outside because I have this whole inner world

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of a lot of variety and drama and so many interesting things that are happening inside

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of me. Right. But I don't even notice like the winter and especially the new

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England winters. I saw they can, like a month can go by without me even paying attention. So I,

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there's, there's a good part to it. Yes. This might be like a really,

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you may have discovered something that's like a really neurodivergent thing, which is the

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confusion. Why is everyone so obsessed with the weather? Like every time someone's talking about

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the weather, like, oh, it's so rainy today. Oh, it's so sunny. Like if it's too hot, it'll bother

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me. And even then I'll just stay inside. But it's like, yes, we live on earth. There is weather side

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goals. Like that's just something that happens. Why are we talking about it? Like I, I like I'm

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self-aware enough to know that as like a super probably neurodivergent thing to be complaining

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about. But I am puzzled by that constantly. I think it's the small talk, right? It's just

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doing that small talk for the sake of talking. Yeah. It's like, there's so many other interesting

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things to be talking about. We could be talking about this or that or that or just.

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I know. Let's stop talking about the weather and tell me what the problem is. I, I always,

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always want to go, uh, behind the layers and I can actually also, uh, see through people's layers,

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which is another, uh, or a skill that I'm going to use now. Uh, and that's how you and I met.

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I just instantly knew we could be talking forever. And, uh, yeah, that's, um, um, yeah,

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that's a skill. So that's a gift. Um, I don't know where I was headed, but yeah.

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Um, we like, yeah, we've been talking about so much. Um, if anybody is curious, this is actually

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the most like on topic we've ever managed to stay in one of our conversations. Um, before we, uh,

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kind of like, well, we still have time to talk about, I wanted you to tell the audience a bit

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of like what spark launch does and what, what your hopes and dreams for are.

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Yeah. Um, so, um, so I was inspired by my own personal story and, um,

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and also helping my son, uh, find that spark within us. So my belief is that we all have that

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light and spark inside of us. And once we start, first, we had to find it, find a spark. And once

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we start living in it, we can, um, overcome challenges. And so I want to use that same

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thing to help others to find that spark in other people.

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In people, uh, who feel challenged for whatever reason. Um, and, and the reason is because we're

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trying to fit into a world that was not built for us. So, so to help them overcome challenges. So

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what spark launch right now is offering coaching one-on-one coaching, um, because coaching for me

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is equal to meditation. And that's how I overcame a lot of challenges by going deep inside myself

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and finding answers to my emotions. And why am I feeling this way? What is all this? And, and then

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a lot of it was believing in myself. So, so there's that internal journey, uh, is what the

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coaches do. Um, instead of doing it alone, um, you're doing it with a professional who's been

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trained to take that internal journey with the client. And so,

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by taking that internal journey, um, they can examine whatever the, the problems are and, and

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come up with the, uh, action plan, the findings. Yeah. And then to move forward from there. So

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that's, and also I want to start offering workshops, um, and to, to schools teaming up with

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teachers, um, and also workplaces. I was,

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um, in the corporate world for 22 years. Um, and there are a lot that needs to be done there as

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well. So, uh, it's, it's fun. It's going to be fun. I'm finally, I think living in my, uh, true

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state. I would definitely say so. I, I, every time you talk about Spark Launch, I'm, I'm always

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getting very excited. I love the whole concept behind it, specifically the education stuff,

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because, uh, so much about neurodivergency and education is completely misunderstood.

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Yeah. There is the misunderstanding that autism specifically means learning disability or

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learning deficiency. That is not true. It is not even close to true. There's, oh boy, I could go on

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for that, that for a while, but, um, yeah, just tailoring education to, for the neurodivergent

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mind to better assist them because it's just a matter that we learn a little bit differently.

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We may be a little more autonomous in how we learn as well. Um, which is why we

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tend to gravitate towards specifically subjects that we'll do on like our spare time more than

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subjects that are taught because they're not being taught in a way that stimulates us. Um,

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any little thing that is being done there, I'm always, always very happy to hear. And I know

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your coaching system is going to be very robust and going to be very much, uh, the kind that I

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strive for and, and like to, uh, both employ and promote. So thank you for, for Spark Launch and everything that

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you're, you're doing for that.

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Oh, thank you, Mike. I am so happy to have met you. And I think it's a divine intervention.

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Uh, I had the way we met and, uh, yeah, I am extremely grateful for you to be with me on this

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journey.

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Thank you. Thank you. And, uh, I thank the audience for also joining us on this journey

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of this very podcast, hopefully continuing to listen on in future episodes. Uh,

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we'll have lots of different types of content, either discussions, uh, we plan to feature a lot

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of guests. So be on the lookout for that. Any way you can support us is, uh, just greatly

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appreciated. You can rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts is a wonderful way to,

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to give that support, uh, with what you're doing. So we continue to make more of that.

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Um, if you'd be interested in following us personally, um, on Instagram, I'm

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at follows his ghost. Um, Jaya, where can you find yourself and Spark Launch?

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On Instagram.

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It's the Spark Launch, the underscore Spark Launch, I think. And, uh, yeah. And you can find

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the same name on Facebook. I think I'm also on YouTube. So, uh, yeah. On LinkedIn, LinkedIn.

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Yeah. You can find us there. So I hope you all tune in and promise we're going to not be boring.

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We don't want to bore ourselves with our content. So, uh,

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uh, yeah, it's going to be fun.

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See you next time.

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