In this powerful episode of Dare To Be Iconic, Amanda invites you on a raw, transformative journey of self-discovery and healing. She shares intimate reflections from ages 19 to 25, a period marked by deep pain but also incredible growth. With unflinching honesty, Amanda spills the tea on how setting boundaries became her lifeline, how self-compassion became her anchor, and how resilience carried her through her darkest moments.

Through heartfelt stories and hard-earned lessons, Amanda offers you practical tools to navigate your own healing—whether it’s grounding yourself during an anxiety attack, journaling your way to clarity, or using positive self-talk to reclaim your power. She challenges you to look within, reclaim your story, and dare to be kind to yourself as you rise above trauma.

Connect with Amanda:

Follow Amanda's DTBI Journey!

Turn your pain into power with Amanda at our next Iconic Behavior Masterclass!

Stream the Radiant Reign Era Playlist!

Explore the DTBI shop today!

Discover your iconic signature scent with Oakcha!

Got a question for Amanda or a topic you'd love to hear discussed on a future episode? Submit your question to the "Dare To Be Iconic Hotline" today!

Iconic Resources:

One Life Project

Find a Trauma & PTSD Hotline

Talkspace: Online Therapy

Time Stamps:

00:00 Welcome to Dare To Be Iconic

00:53 Facing Trauma Head-On

03:10 The Complexity of Emotions

06:16 Setting Boundaries

11:08 Creating a Roadmap to Healing

13:40 Dealing with Anxiety and Panic Attacks

14:17 Grounding Techniques and Personal Preferences

15:31 The Rollercoaster of Healing

16:25 Self-Compassion and Grace

19:47 Hotline Questions

27:25 Next Week on DTBI!

What's up radiant icons and welcome back to Dare To Be

2

Iconic, the podcast made for icons

who are daring to be themselves.

3

I'm your host, Amanda Paolicelli.

4

And for today's tea Time sesh, we

are doing another episode rewind.

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I am loving these episode Rewinds,

radiant icons like, oh my goodness.

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And today is no exception we are

pressing replay on one of my personal

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favorites from season two, and it's so

crazy radiant icons to listen to this

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specific tea time sesh "Love Letters

From Within: Boundaries, Trauma, and

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Healing" because this tea time sesh was

honestly, at the time I recorded this

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episode, I had not disclosed to anyone

in my life about the dating violence

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relationship I was in at 18 years old.

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And this tea time sesh that we are about

to press replay on was the first tea

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time sesh where I really pushed myself

to talk about what healing at that time

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looked like for me without disclosing

or without crossing that boundary that

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I had placed for myself of not talking

about it yet, because at that time I

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was not ready to talk about or start

the conversation of dating violence.

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So it's really, really interesting

to me to listen back to this episode,

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especially now with where I am at in

my healing journey while I'm healing

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out loud and reclaiming my story and

turning my pain into power with you guys.

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But before I press replay radiant icons

on this very special tea time sesh, I dare

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you to turn your pain into power with me

by joining me on March 22nd at 1:30 PM

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Eastern for our first masterclass of 2026,

"Breakup With The Past, Fall In Love With

23

The Future", inspired by our very, very

popular healing journal, radiant icons.

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I love this class so much because

it is one of the core foundational

25

pillars of Dare to Be Iconic.

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Together in this masterclass, we will be

releasing old stories, reconnecting with

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our true selves and stepping boldly into

the iconic future that we are creating.

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This masterclass is powered by love,

fearlessness, and unstoppable confidence

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and I cannot wait to see you there.

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Make sure to secure your spot today

by clicking the link in the show notes

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below, or going to daretobeiconic.com

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under the empowerment events section.

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Are you ready?

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Radiant icons.

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Because your tea time

sesh is starting now.

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Let's press rewind on Love.

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Letters from Within:

Boundaries, Trauma and Healing.

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I've had to stop and re record this

episode probably about a hundred

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times by now, because it makes me so

nervous talking about this specific

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subject, but I know that I'm not the

only one dealing with it, and I know I

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actually need to deal with it, because

I like avoiding this subject, because

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it's easier for me to pretend that

none of this shit has happened to me.

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And it's, it's so easy for me to live in

this delusion of no, everything is fine.

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When in all reality, no, it's

not fine, and it's not okay.

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And I need to deal with it.

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And I know, I know for a fact I am

not the only one that, that deals with

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their trauma in this way of avoidance.

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And I know it's gonna

bite me in the booty.

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But I need to talk about it.

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So, let's get into it.

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Trauma is such a hard thing to understand.

52

And I honestly feel like it

will never make sense to me.

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And there's so many layers to it, right?

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Like, there's anger, there's guilt,

there's blame, there's shame,

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there's frustration, there, there's

everything interlaced into it.

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And even more than the emotions that

I, I named because you truly don't

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know the emotions that will pop

up until you're in that aftermath

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situation of that healing process.

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And I think the biggest reason as to

why I like to avoid talking about trauma

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specifically is because I feel like I

failed myself in the healing process.

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And I know I know, I know, I know.

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I have said, healing is not linear.

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Healing is like a rollercoaster.

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I know I said that in

episode three of season one.

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I know, I know, I know.

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And it's true, like healing is a

rollercoaster, but it doesn't negate

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the feelings of me feeling like I

failed because I have a couple of

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bad days when I'm in this healing

process of dealing with my trauma

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for like seven years at this point.

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Like, let's be so for real right now.

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Like, I didn't realize that two

months of my life would leave

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me with a lifetime of trauma.

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And in this case, it's been seven years.

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And I still don't deal with it.

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And when October comes around, because

it always comes around, I'm like,

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oh, I'm gonna be fine this month.

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It's gonna be fine.

78

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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I'm lying to myself.

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I am lying to myself.

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And I don't know if that's

some type of defense mechanism

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of, Oh, it's going to be okay.

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You're going to get through it.

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Cause I know I'll get through it.

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I know I get through the tough shit,

clearly, but doesn't make it easier.

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And I want to have this conversation

with you guys, because I know I'm

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not the only one that does this.

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I know it.

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And I know that When we're in this

aftermath of really figuring out

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what the hell are we going to do

with the shit that has just happened

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to us, it's really, really scary.

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And sometimes you just don't

know how to pick up the pieces.

93

But you have to.

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And I think when it comes specifically

to trauma, not only is it It's a very

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personalized experience, and I'm saying

that with so much disgust because I

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hate that we all have to deal with this,

but it's so individualized because the

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way that I will process and heal from

my trauma will be different than how

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someone else processes and deals with

their trauma because we're all different.

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We're all uniquely iconic in our own way,

and that's great, but that also means that

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there's not a guidebook on how to deal

with the hard shit that we're put through.

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The best way I can approach this

episode is sharing what has worked

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for me, and what hasn't worked for me.

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And I'm not going to be trauma

dumping because no one wants that.

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And frankly, I don't know

if I can handle that.

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But also, trauma is your

story to tell, and you don't

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have to share it with anyone.

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And I think I've been very

firm on that boundary.

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Boundaries are a big one with trauma.

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So let's just start with that one, right?

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So, like my therapist had told me,

Trauma is your story to tell, and you

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don't have to share it with anyone.

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There are some traumatic

experiences that I am very firm

113

with I am not sharing them at all.

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Like it doesn't matter if

backstory of why I feel or react

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a certain way to certain things.

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Like, It doesn't matter.

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I don't feel comfortable sharing

it because that is my trauma and

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I don't want to share it with you.

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And you have every right to deny

someone of that, like, access to you.

120

And I think that's the hardest thing that

I've had to deal with personally, because

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I am such an oversharer as we all know.

122

Um, but like, also it's hard for

me to find the private stuff and

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then the public stuff to share.

124

And I know the core of Dare To Be Iconic

is I spilled the tea about my life, but

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there are some things that I just don't

want to spill the tea about because they

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are- because I don't want to actually,

because I don't want to see right there.

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That's me setting a boundary

and being very firm in it.

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And that's hard for me.

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Setting boundaries is always like this.

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Oh, like it's like this hard concept

because it's like, you don't.

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At least in my case, like I don't want to

hurt anyone's feelings, but also I need

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to know that I don't owe anyone anything.

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I truly don't.

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If I don't want to talk about a

certain situation or scenario that

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has happened to me, I don't need to

talk about it if I don't want to.

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And I want to tell you that that's okay.

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You don't have to tell anyone

anything that you don't want to,

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especially when it comes to trauma.

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I think the biggest thing with healing and

processing trauma is setting boundaries

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and boundaries are so hard to set because

sometimes you don't even know where to

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start and it's all about like Testing it

out and seeing what works and what doesn't

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work and having that like self awareness

of "oh I need to set a boundary here.",

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Because I need to protect my personal

and mental sanity at this moment.

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But it's like, how do you

start setting those boundaries?

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And there's no, there's no

guidebook to that, you guys.

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As many times as I remember asking my

therapist, so how do I set boundaries?

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How do I do it?

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And her answer always is,

You just figure it out.

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It's this ever continuing process,

and I'm like, well, that's not helpful

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right now as I'm crying my eyes out.

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Like, but she's right.

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She's always right.

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You, you need to just figure

it out every experience that we

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deal with is individualistic.

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And it's like, there are different

boundaries for certain things.

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I'm going to tell you, it's not easy.

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I don't have a Step by step guide

to it because I don't even know

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where to begin half the time.

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It's really just figuring it out.

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And sometimes I fail and we all know

how I feel about failing, but like, you

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know, I fail and I figure out, okay,

that boundary is not what I needed.

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Maybe I tried this instead.

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You know, it's all about just figuring

it out and feeling out the situation.

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And as time goes on, you'll get

better at setting the boundaries

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because you'll know what you want.

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And I think it goes down even

deeper into figuring out who

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you are and what you need.

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I think it's really cool that this thing

of setting boundaries allows us to look

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deeper within ourselves and really,

truly ask ourselves, what do we want?

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Who are we?

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And how can I deal with it in

a way that is right for me?

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And it lets you get down to those nitty

gritty answers that maybe we're avoiding.

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And when I say we, I definitely know I am.

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I definitely, definitely know

I am avoiding a lot of shit.

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And maybe if I asked myself those

questions of what do I want?

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Who do I want to share it with, if anyone?

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And what is gonna make me

feel good and comfortable?

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How is this going to allow me, in my

own unique way , process the shit that

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I've been dealing with for seven years?

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I don't know, but like, maybe I

need to start figuring that out.

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I know I need to.

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But like, I think that's really cool that

boundaries allow you to do that, you know?

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And another thing with boundaries, right?

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Going into the second step of how I've

somewhat dealt and healed somewhat.

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Um, is writing a roadmap to me.

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And again, no shocker here.

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It's suggested by my therapist,

everyone, honestly, she's working

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over time, like this is great.

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Um, but anyway, a roadmap to you is

this individualized roadmap to you and

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your triggers and how you experience

them and what's the root of it.

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And I think when I first heard of

this concept of the roadmap to me.

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I was like, what the hell

are you talking about?

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I don't need to write shit down.

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I don't need a log In my little journal

all the traumatic responses that

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I'm having from everything I don't

need to write down all my triggers.

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Well, I was wrong obviously.

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Um, because Writing down all my triggers,

so all my responses, right, to things

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that were happening that was very

out of character for me allowed me to

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truly, truly look within and it really

puts in perspective how much trauma

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trickles down to other aspects of our

life that we didn't really realize.

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Like if I would have told you that

two months of my life would have led

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me to this seven years and ongoing

of shit I have to sort through.

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God, this is exhausting, but like shit,

like I didn't realize how much those two

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months of my life dealing with everything

that I dealt with would trickle down

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into all these other areas of my life

that I had no idea it would touch.

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I thought, oh, it's going

to touch this and this.

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That's for sure.

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Period.

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I'm done.

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I'm good with the rest of my life.

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Lying.

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Lying to myself yet again.

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Trauma affects every aspect of our lives,

even if we don't want to think that it is.

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It does.

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Trauma manifests into this, like,

really annoying, annoying little thing.

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Like, I don't even know

what to classify it.

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I don't want to even Like, it's just this

annoying little thing that keeps coming

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up every time you look at something.

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It's just there.

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It's like, oh!

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That's my trauma from seven years ago.

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Thank you so much.

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Oh, that's my trauma from three years ago.

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Thank you Like what the hell it keeps

popping up It's like that annoying ex

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boyfriend that you just want to get

rid of and it keeps popping the hell

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up like no like go away That's trauma.

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That is trauma for you.

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It pops up and it trickles down

into other areas of our life that

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we truly didn't think that we were

going to have to deal with it.

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But you know what we do, we have

to deal with those emotions.

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And besides setting boundaries and

writing this roadmap to me, the

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other thing is also like, when I'm

dealing with these emotions, the

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first thing I need to deal with is

trying not to go into a panic attack.

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I've been very open and honest that I

suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.

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It's been less as time has progressed, but

like, they're still there because there's

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a lot of fears rooted in them, right?

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In that anxiety, in that panic.

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And so, one of the first things I have

to do is, to protect myself is I need to

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ground myself and I need to be mindful.

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I need to make sure I keep myself in this

mindfulness state so that I don't lose

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my breath when I'm having a panic attack.

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People recommend, oh, eating dark

chocolate, or like having a sour

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candy, because your brain can't process

dark chocolate two things at once.

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If you are having a trigger response,

you need to create some type of

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stimuli that is senses based.

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So your five senses, so that your

brain can focus on the stimuli

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that's happening because it can't

process the stimuli that you're

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experiencing and also that trigger.

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So like, for me, it's also just

another perfect excuse for me to

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eat dark chocolate or a sour candy.

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But you know, it's things

like perfume, essential oils.

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Those are great things to ground yourself

and that's something I had no idea about.

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That's also really helps me in this

like healing process of figuring out

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what works for me and what doesn't

like for some people sour candy

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doesn't work ,but like for me it does.

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Some people, you know

essential oils work for them.

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It doesn't work for me.

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I can't do it.

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So those are like my big three

things when it comes with healing

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and figuring it out, but like,

I'm not going to lie to you guys.

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Healing is such a tricky concept for me

also to grasp as much as I say, Oh, it's

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a rollercoaster and Oh, it's continuous.

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Like I, that's true.

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Like it is, but also like when I'm

deep in the trauma and I'm deep

265

in those like trigger responses, I

can't help but feel like I failed.

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I can't help but feel like I failed myself

and have that continuous cycle of anger.

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Blame, guilt, shame, like, whatever

it is, like, I just go through

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those emotions and I feel like,

oh shit, like, I failed myself.

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And that's like not true.

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And I think I'm so hard on myself.

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And I know, I know for a fact that I'm not

the only one that's hard on themselves.

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We all are so hard on ourselves.

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Like we are our own worst critic.

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And it goes back to this idea of

we need to start giving ourselves

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more grace and more kindness,

especially when we're healing.

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And the biggest thing that I can think

of specifically that I'm okay with

277

talking about is the letter in the box.

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For two months after the breakup,

before I decided to take charge of

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my life, I was so, so hard on myself.

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I was so mean to myself.

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I was not kind.

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The things I thought about

myself, the things I let myself

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believe, like, It was horrible.

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And I wouldn't wish that on,

on my worst enemy, honestly.

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Like, I wouldn't even wish it on my ex.

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But, I was so mean to me.

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I was so mean to myself, and it's

like, why didn't I give myself grace?

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I was going through my

first ever Heartbreak.

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I was going through something

so traumatic, and I was being

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so mean and hard on myself.

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Why?

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Why would I not give myself

the kindness and grace of being

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like, it's going to be okay.

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You're doing your best.

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It doesn't have to be

picture perfect right now.

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You just got your heart

broken by a letter and a box.

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Like, you don't have to be so

Okay, all the time, Amanda.

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And I think that's a concept

that I still try to understand.

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Because I just don't get

why I was so mean to me.

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Why I wanted to be so perfect at that

time, and maybe it's because I was

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obsessed with this idea of perfection,

but there's so much beauty in the mess.

302

There's so much beauty in

Embracing being imperfectly iconic.

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There's so much beauty

in our imperfections.

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And I wouldn't even maybe even

classify that as imperfections, but

305

the way that I was dealing with it

and processing it and the way I was

306

talking to myself and everything,

like I just needed to be kinder to me.

307

I think that's the biggest thing

coming out of something traumatic

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is that we need to keep reminding

ourselves that we have to be kind.

309

We have to give ourselves grace.

310

We have to be nice to ourselves.

311

I think by taking the step forward of

taking care of ourselves and setting

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boundaries, creating a road map, you

know, learning how to ground ourselves and

313

be mindful, we also have to remember We

need to be kind because we're not going

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to get it right the first time or the

first couple of times, honestly, we may

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try, you know a certain stimuli to get

ourselves grounded and it doesn't work.

316

And we just have to keep trying

until we find what's right for us.

317

But in that, in that point of,

Oh my God, this isn't working.

318

Oh my God, I'm failing.

319

We need to take a step back and, and

breathe and be like, okay, one, you're

320

not failing and to be kind to yourself.

321

You're not going to figure out

what works for you right away.

322

It takes trial and error.

323

It takes this figuring an out part

and yeah, it's messy, but it's also

324

beautiful because you're just getting

to know yourself on a deeper level.

325

Isn't it beautiful that at least

from this really painful shit that we

326

deal with, we can turn it into power.

327

And in this case, it's the

power of choosing ourselves.

328

It's the power of getting to

know ourselves on a deeper level.

329

It's the power of being kind to

ourselves because we deserve it.

330

Okay, Radiant Icons, let's get

into the Dare to be Iconic hotline.

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How can I begin to address trauma from

my past when it feels overwhelming?

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I think when it comes to addressing

trauma from our past, especially

333

when it feels overwhelming or almost

impossible it goes back to that positive

334

self talk and that self compassion.

335

So being kinder to ourselves

and giving ourselves grace.

336

And I know it's not easy.

337

I mean, I just had a whole

little rant about it.

338

Um, but you know, like, I think

when it comes to dealing with trauma

339

from our past and taking on all

those emotions of how it's affected

340

our everyday lives currently.

341

We have to, again, start small,

and I think the first small step

342

that you can do is to start by

treating yourself with kindness,

343

grace, and just give yourself time.

344

You don't have to figure

out everything right away.

345

You don't have to figure out

how to set up boundaries and

346

what works for you right away.

347

You don't have to log

everything down in a roadmap.

348

You don't have to figure out what stimuli

helps with lessening triggers for you.

349

You don't have to figure

that out all right away.

350

Start small.

351

And the first, The most bearable step

that you can do for yourself in this

352

situation is to start with talking

to yourself nicer, being kinder to

353

yourself, and giving yourself grace.

354

I wish that's something I did for myself,

not only outside of the breakup, right,

355

but in other traumatic experiences.

356

I was so, so hard on myself, and I

was so mean to myself, and I still am.

357

And I think in times when I experience

those emotions, I have to step

358

back and take a breath and be like,

okay, no, we're not doing that.

359

We are not talking to ourselves this way.

360

And if it helps, talk to yourself as

if you would talk to your best friend.

361

Because you would never, ever,

tell your best friend half the mean

362

shit that you're telling yourself.

363

So if that helps in like, reframing your

mindset on it approach it like that.

364

And that's helped for me personally,

because I would never tell my best

365

friends the shit that I've told myself.

366

and I think that's how it makes

it a little bit less overwhelming.

367

What advice do you have for someone who

feels stuck in their healing journey?

368

Well, this one's hard because I'm

currently dealing with it right now.

369

And I guess what I would say

in this specific situation,

370

it's really hard, right?

371

Because, like, We just want to like

when you're at that point of like

372

shit, like I just want to give up

Like I just want to throw in the towel

373

Like I don't want to deal with it.

374

It's really hard to find the motivation

to just keep going and better yourself.

375

Like it's really hard to

find that motivation, right?

376

Because at this point at least for me,

like, when I'm at the, like, I just

377

want to throw in the towel, I'm, I'm

so over it, like, I'm so over doing the

378

hard shit and not seeing results almost.

379

I think in order to get over that

hurdle, it's a sign that you need to

380

pause, take a break, and like, reflect.

381

And the biggest a way for me to process

how I need to move forward, like how do I

382

need to change my perspective and reflect

on what is happening is journaling.

383

I'm not even lying to you guys, Break

Up With The Past, Fall In Love With

384

The Future has helped me with it.

385

I have my own copy of it, you guys.

386

I don't just like, sell it out

and be like, oh my god, it works.

387

But like, being able to go through that

process of really breaking it down,

388

or even having just like, my separate

journal, it's just like a regular

389

notebook, and just word dumping everything

and reflecting on what is going on really

390

does help me when I'm at that point of

feeling stuck and feeling stagnant and

391

like there's no point in moving forward.

392

So, my, my advice would be

honestly, take a step back, breathe.

393

And assess the situation in

a way that's right for you.

394

Journaling doesn't work for everyone.

395

I have a friend who does not like

to journal, so she figures out

396

in her own way what helps her.

397

And like, it could be a podcast, it

could be Going on a walk and talking

398

yourself out loud, like it literally

could be any of these things, but I

399

think when you feel so stagnant and

stuck in this healing process and

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you're like, I just want to give up.

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I don't want to do the hard work anymore.

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Like this isn't fair.

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You need to take a step back.

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You need to breathe.

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You need to pause and you need to switch

your perspective and reframe your mindset.

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And I think the best way to do

that is figuring out an outlet

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that will let you do that.

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How do you maintain your resilience

in the face of ongoing challenges?

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Personally, I think this

comes down to my why.

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Why am I doing this?

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Why am I so for instance with trauma?

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Why am I going to this

therapy appointment?

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Why am I talking about it on here on

this podcast for public consumption?

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Why am I doing all these things right?

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It literally reminds me

of why I am doing this.

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Why am I going down this path?

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Why am I going to therapy to talk

about it because I don't want

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to let this trauma define me.

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I want to figure out a way on how I can

not only cope with it, but how I can

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be a better version of myself from it.

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What can I learn from this?

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I want to be better.

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I don't want it to define me.

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That's my why for that instance,

my why for this podcast and

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why I'm talking about it.

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My why is because I know that I am

not the only one struggling with this.

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And when I was going through this

specific situation when I was 19 and

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the way it's affected me throughout my

lifetime now up to 25 years old, like

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I wish I had someone who was talking

about it so publicly and having a

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conversation of how do you deal with this?

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How do you move forward?

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How do you better your life?

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I wish I had someone that I could look

up to someone that I could relate to

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and wow I didn't think I was gonna get

emotional But like I just wish I had that

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person that I could just like just know

that I'm not alone And that's my why with

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everything that I do You It's because I do

it for younger Amanda who needed someone.

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And I do it for all the radiant

icons who DM me and tell me that

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this and this episode has helped them

and the way that it's helped them.

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And it just reminds me of my

why and I know that even if it's

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really hard for me to talk about.

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I didn't think I was going to

get this emotional, you guys.

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Even if it's really, really hard for me to

talk about, I know I want to do it because

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I know that there's a radiant icon who is

listening to this that needs to hear it.

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But I also need to make sure that

I protect myself in it, which

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goes into those boundaries, right?

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So what am I Willing to share and I

may not go into the specific trauma

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experiences that I experience, right?

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but I I can talk about the emotions

that I deal with from it and how in

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the aftermath and how it's affected

my life because it's been such a big

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part of my life that I've suffered in

silence for so long and figuring it out.

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If I feel comfortable talking about it in

whatever capacity, whether it's talking

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about the whole story, or talking about

aspects of it, or talking about this,

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this, and this of what I've learned

from it without divulging what the

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background is, then I've done my job,

and I've, and I remind myself of that

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why every time, so I would encourage

you to remind yourself of your why.

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Welcome to the Fashionably Single

Podcast, where single life meets

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real talk, hosted by Hannah.

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This guy is sitting next to me and

this was like a no shoe kind of house,

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so he had to take his shoes off.

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They were playing cards, drinking, and

then all of a sudden he starts rubbing his

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foot on my leg and her co-host Jessica.

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So he leaves me at the table, he gets

his suit, he goes back to his car.

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I'm thinking he's

dipping out on this date.

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I just told him I don't want to marry

him and I won't let him kill me.

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So two millennials in

Austin, Texas, navigating.

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Independence and becoming your best

self with confidence and style.

467

Amanda Paolicelli: All

right, radiant icons.

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That is your tea time session for today.

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If you enjoy today's episode, make

sure to subscribe to leave a rating,

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a review, to tell your friends about

us, to tell everyone and anyone because

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you know we love it more radiant

icons in our iconic community of ours.

472

I will never get tired of

saying that, radiant icons.

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Oh my goodness.

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But you know what else I won't ever get

tired of talking about is our everyday

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icons that we bring onto the podcast

to bill all the tea, and next week.

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Next week is a tea time sesh you do not

want to miss because we are joined by

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the very iconic duo of fashionably single

jessica and Hannah, we are spilling the

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tea on all things friendship, singleness,

and the power of daring to be yourself.

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So I will chat with you all next week.

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Remember radiant icons.

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Dare to be iconic.

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Bye.