Shownotes
Have you ever listened to a podcast, read a book, or had a conversation that unexpectedly left you feeling anxious, emotional, or overwhelmed? Maybe your first thought was, "Why am I still getting triggered?" or "Shouldn't I be further along by now?"
If so, this week's Tammy's Takes is for you.
Inspired by my conversation with Rachel, I wanted to remind you of something we often forget: healing isn't a competition, and your nervous system sets the pace. Every person's journey is different, and comparing your healing to someone else's only creates more pressure, shame, and self-judgment.
In this episode, I share one of my favorite tools that I teach coaching clients: Notice. Name. Need. Instead of criticizing yourself for having a strong emotional reaction, you'll learn how to become curious about what your body is trying to communicate. We'll explore why healing isn't just an intellectual process, why your nervous system responds before your mind can explain what's happening, and how listening to yourself instead of pushing yourself is one of the greatest acts of self-trust.
Most adult children grew up learning to ignore their own needs while focusing on everyone else's. Healing asks us to reverse that pattern—not by forcing ourselves to process everything at once, but by learning to pause, notice what's happening inside of us, and respond with compassion instead of criticism.
If you've ever felt like you're falling behind in your healing journey, I hope this episode reminds you that you are not behind. You're exactly where you need to be. Healing doesn't happen by rushing through your pain. It happens one safe moment, one small act of self-awareness, and one compassionate choice at a time.
If you're ready to continue your healing journey, I'd love to invite you to explore my signature course, Trials to Triumph: An Adult Child's Beginning Roadmap to Your Healing Journey. Right now, you can receive 90% off with the coupon code THRIVE25.
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As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.
My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,
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Transcripts
hello everybody, and welcome back to
Tammy's Takes, where we take powerful
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:conversations with our guests and
turn them into practical strategies
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:you can use right here, right now.
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:So I wanna go back to yesterday's episode
with Rachel, because honestly, I wanted to
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:preemptively go back and proactively put a
little bit of a trigger warning in there.
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:Because I realized in listening to
her tone and listening to her talk,
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:and just listening to some of the
tough conversations that we had,
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:we talked about trauma, we talked
about PTSD, we talked about some
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:of the healing modalities for PTSD.
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:And honestly, we talked about some
pretty difficult childhood experiences.
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:And I know that depending on where
you are in your journey, parts of that
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:might have been a little uncomfortable.
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:So I never want anybody listening to this
podcast to feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
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:That is absolutely never my intention.
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:So know this, and know this
with all the love in my heart.
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:If an episode ever feels like too much,
please give yourself permission to pause
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:it, turn it off, come back when you're
ready, or never come back at all to it.
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:It's okay.
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:But I also want to encourage you
to get curious about what came up.
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:So what did you feel?
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:What did…
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:Where did you feel it in your body?
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:What was it about the
conversation that affected you?
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:And if you need support honestly
figuring that out and exploring
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:those feelings, reach out to me.
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:You don't have to figure
it out all by yourself.
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:Because here's what I really
want you to understand today.
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:Everybody is at a different place in
their healing journey, and that's okay.
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:You are exactly where you are
supposed to be at the time.
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:We talked about it in many of my
podcasts how healing undoes itself,
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:and it unravels itself in layers.
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:And I truly believe it's when your God,
my God, whatever, your higher power,
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:whatever it is, the universe, whatever
you wanna call it, my friends, I believe
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:that it unravels these layers as we're
ready to deal with them So your healing
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:doesn't need to look like Rachel's, it
doesn't need to look like mine, and it
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:doesn't need to look like somebody else's.
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:Healing isn't a race.
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:Your nervous system sets
the pace of your healing.
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:So today I wanna teach you a really
simple way to start listening
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:to what your reactions might
actually be trying to tell you.
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:I call it notice, name, need.
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:But first, let's talk
about why it matters.
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:You heard me just say before,
your nervous system sets the pace.
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:One of the things I teach over
and over again is that healing is
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:not just an intellectual process.
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:You can understand it intellectually
all … No matter how you look at it,
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:you can know exactly what happened to
you, you can know why your behavior
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:is the way it is, you can know why
your parents behaved the way they did.
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:You can read every book, you can listen
to every podcast, you can go to therapy,
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:you can learn all the big fancy words that
we use, but your body is still reacting.
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:Because understanding something
and feeling safe with something
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:are not necessarily the same thing.
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:This is especially important for
adult children of dysfunction, because
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:everything in their world stems around
safety, and a lot of us became really
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:good, honestly, at overriding ourselves.
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:We learned to abandon ourselves.
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:We learned to not cry.
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:We learned that we shouldn't
make things w- worse.
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:We learned that we
shouldn't be too sensitive.
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:And then something really
interesting happens.
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:We start healing, but we bring that
exact mentality into our healing.
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:So you ask yourself, "Why
am I still triggered?
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:Why can't I talk about this yet?"
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:Rachel can talk openly about her trauma.
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:Why can't I?
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:These are the things you
start asking yourself.
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:Or you might even give yourself a time
limit "I've been doing this for two years.
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:I should be further along."
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:Do you hear what you're doing to yourself?
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:You're literally putting your sa-
that same pressure on yourself.
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:You're just putting a healing label
on it, but it's still pressure
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:no matter how you look at it.
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:Healing was never supposed to become one
more thing you have to be perfect at.
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:So take your reaction that you
got and use it as information.
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:So if you are triggered by something
that somebody says, I want you to start
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:asking yourself, instead of saying,
"Why am I still triggered by this?"
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:and frustrating yourself and starting to
go down that shame spiral, ask yourself
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:what the reaction is trying to tell you.
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:It's a very different question.
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:One comes from judgment, the
other comes from curiosity.
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:How many times have you heard me talk
about how when you come at things
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:with curiosity, you soften them?
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:Honestly, curiosity is one of the most
powerful tools you can use in healing.
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:Let's say you're listening to a
podcast, like my conversation with
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:Rachel, and suddenly you notice that
you're feeling a little uncomfortable.
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:You don't necessarily know why.
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:Don't immediately go into the story.
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:Don't try to tell yourself why.
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:Just start with your body.
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:What happened with your
body physiologically?
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:Did your jaw tighten?
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:Did your shoulders come up?
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:Did your breathing change?
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:Is there pressure in your chest?
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:A knot in your stomach?
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:Does it suddenly feel like
you're irritated or anxious, or
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:you wanna crack your knuckles?
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:What happened?
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:Because physiologically, something
is going to happen, right?
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:Just notice it.
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:Just notice it and be aware of it.
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:And you do not need to figure out,
and this is very important, because
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:a lot of the exercises we do say
go back and figure out when you
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:first felt this feeling, right?
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:You don't have to immediately figure
out what childhood experience caused it.
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:Because then we're just turning
awareness into another investigation.
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:We're turning it into another task,
another chore, and more pressure.
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:Because then you start thinking to
yourself, "I have to figure this out.
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:I wanna know where this comes from.
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:I have to fix this."
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:No.
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:Sometimes awareness is simply something
in me is reacting to this right now.
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:And if you are okay with that,
that's enough information.
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:So here's the tool I want
you to practice, okay?
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:Three words.
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:It's very simple.
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:Notice, name, need.
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:First, notice it.
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:What's happening in my body right now?
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:We talked about all those different
sensations you could have.
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:Your stomach, your
shoulders, you feel restless.
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:You wanna leave, you wanna get
up and move, you wanna turn that
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:podcast off, whatever it is.
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:Don't judge it, don't
fix it, just notice it.
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:Then name it.
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:Just give it a name.
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:What might I be feeling?
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:Is it fear?
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:Is it sadness?
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:Is it anger?
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:Shame?
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:Overwhelm?
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:Rejection?
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:Maybe you feel powerless to
fix what's going on right now.
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:Or maybe honestly, you might
have absolutely no idea.
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:That's okay.
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:Just simply name it.
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:Something feels activated in
me right now, and I feel blank.
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:And the last step is need.
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:What do you need right now?
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:This is the part that so many adult
children struggle with, because we've
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:spent so much of our time asking
ourselves, what does everybody else need?
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:Instead, I want you to ask
yourself, what do I need right now?
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:Maybe you need to pause.
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:Maybe you need to talk to someone.
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:Maybe you need to take a walk.
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:Maybe you need to put both feet on
the ground and look around the room.
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:Ground yourself.
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:Do something to calm yourself.
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:Maybe you need a few short breaths.
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:Guys, we could go over and over all
of the things that you could possibly
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:do to calm yourself in that moment,
but it's ultimately what you need.
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:I can't tell you what n- you need.
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:Only you know what you need.
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:And I truly believe, and you've
heard me say this 1,000 times
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:if you've been listening to this
show, you were born all-knowing.
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:You were born with this divine knowledge
of everything you need, everything
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:you want, everything you desire.
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:You have it all inside of you.
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:So maybe- You just need to
remind yourself, "I'm here.
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:That was then.
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:This is now."
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:Who knows?
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:Maybe you need to turn off the podcast.
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:Name what you need, and then honor
yourself in giving yourself what you need.
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:Do not judge yourself for stopping
or for doing something different.
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:Because honestly, stopping and doing
something different is self-trust.
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:It's telling yourself, "I don't
need to hear this right now."
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:You noticed yourself, you
listened, you responded.
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:For someone who might have spent
decades ignoring their own needs,
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:this is actually a big deal.
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:Sometimes healing doesn't
mean going deeper right now.,
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:We're all at a different
level of our healing.
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:I think sometimes we actually turn healing
into endurance, so it's another fight.
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:It's another, struggle, another battle,
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:so you wanna know "How much can I cover?
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:How deep can I go?
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:How much can I process?
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:How much trauma can I talk
about without reacting?"
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:But that's not always
automatically better.
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:Sometimes the next step is
just creating more safety.
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:So it's in making that safety bubble
that I talk about a little bigger,
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:sometimes that little safety
bubble means getting enough
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:sleep so you wake up rested.
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:Sometimes it means nourishing your
body so that you feel healthy.
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:Sometimes it means moving, setting a
boundary, saying no, calling someone
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:safe, talking for five minutes
without doing anything productive Not
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:explaining yourself, leaving the room.
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:These are all things that
can make yourself feel safe.
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:But every time you do one of
them, you're teaching yourself,
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:"I'm listening to me now."
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:And that's how self-trust
starts to rebuild.
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:Not through one giant breakthrough,
and we've said this before many
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:times, but through hundreds of
little moments when you notice
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:yourself and respond differently.
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:But I think the big message
that I'm trying to get out here
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:today is that you can't compare
your healing to someone else's.
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:Rachel has been working
on her healing for years.
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:Someone listening to that conversation
might have just realized, "Oh my gosh,
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:my childhood actually affected me."
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:Maybe you're at the very beginning.
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:These two people are not
supposed to be in the same place.
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:You're exactly where you
need to be right now.
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:Maybe you're just starting
to recognize your patterns of
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:people-pleasing, the perfectionism,
the hypervigilance, the issues with
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:self-trust, the reading the room.
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:All these things that we mention and
we throw out there over and over again.
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:Maybe you're at that part in your
journey where you're just now starting
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:to realize, "Oh my God, this is me."
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:And suddenly you're looking back at your
life and you're thinking to yourself,
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:"Oh my gosh, this makes so much sense."
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:That feeling can be so assuring
that you're finally figuring it out,
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:but can also be very overwhelming.
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:So please remember, you don't have to fix
everything … that you become aware of.
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:You don't.
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:Awareness comes before change.
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:Sometimes today's healing is
simply noticing, "Ah, I do that."
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:That's it.
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:You don't have to solve
it before it's dinner.
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:So this week I want you
to practice something.
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:When you notice yourself having a
strong reaction to something, don't
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:immediately try to make it disappear,
and don't judge yourself for having it.
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:Practice the- three
things that I mentioned.
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:Notice what is happening in my body.
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:Name what might I be feeling and need.
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:What do I need right now?
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:And then whenever possible,
honor the answers you get
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:because every time you do that, you're
sending yourself a different message.
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:Instead of your feelings are
inconvenient, you're saying to
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:the, yourself, "I'm listening.
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:I got you.
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:I'm here for you."
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:Instead of saying, "Get over it," you're
saying, "We got this together, my friend."
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:And instead of asking yourself,
"Why aren't I further along
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:in my healing journey?"
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:remind yourself, "We'll all go at
our own pace, and I'm exactly where
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:I need to be right here right now."
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:Like I said, your healing doesn't
have to look like Rachel's, and it
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:certainly doesn't have to look like mine.
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:Your job isn't to heal the
fastest, your job is to learn
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:how to heal yourself again.
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:And whatever you are in that process
today, that's where we start.
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:So if this Tammy's Takes resonated with
you, please follow or subscribe to The
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:Adult Child of Dysfunction and share
this episode with someone who might need
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:permission to heal at their own pace.
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:And if you're ready to go a little
deeper into understanding the patterns
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:your childhood trauma might have left
you behind with, you can check out my
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:course at tammievincent.com/course.
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:Right now, I am giving 90% off with the
code THRIVE25 because I truly believe
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:we all start somewhere, and today
might just be the day that you start.
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:You do not have to force
healing, my friends.
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:You can listen your way through it, and
it can take you the rest of your life.
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:It is a journey, … It
is not an A to Z path.
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:It is a journey, and I would love
to take that journey with you.
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:Right now, all I want you to know
though is that you are safe, you are
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:loved, and I welcome you back anytime.
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:So thank you so much, you guys.
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:Have a blessed day,
and we'll see you back.
