Episode transcript, extended show notes, and video can be found here.

Today I am joined by Rae Fung. Rae is a Speaking Coach. Impact-driven millennials and teens work with her to Own their Unique Voice and Story to be Bold, Brave and Brilliant, and never Compare themselves with others. Having been an emcee and on-screen host for 7 years, Rae has mastered the art of connecting on stage, online, and in 1-on-1 settings, to people from all walks of life. She uses her expertise to coach and train on topics such as Public Speaking, Networking, and Personal Branding.

Rae’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/raematrix/

Rae’s Speaking Newsletter: http://bit.ly/SSpeakersSpecial

Rae's LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/raefung/

Rae and I cover the following topics…

+ How Rae became a speaking coach

+ The deep insecurities and fears that underly speaking anxiety

+ Finding your inner voice so you can eliminate comparison, insecurity, and increase your confidence

+ Unpacking your anxieties and checking the facts in these fears

+ In the moment tips and tricks for decreasing anxiety when giving presentations

+ Tips and tricks for becoming a networking pro

+ Understanding the value you can give to others

Mentioned in the episode…

+ Rae’s Speaking Newsletter: http://bit.ly/SSpeakersSpecial

Episode Sponsors

🍓This week's episode is brought to you by Sakara. Sakara is a nutrition company that focuses on overall wellness, starting with what you eat. Use code XOSADIE at checkout for 20% your first order!

🛋This week's episode is sponsored by Teen Counseling. Teen Counseling is an online therapy program with over 14,000 licensed therapists in their network offering support with depression, anxiety, relationships, trauma, and more via text, talk, and video counseling. Head to teencounseling.com/shepersisted to find a therapist today!

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© 2020 SHE PERSISTED LLC. This podcast is copyrighted subject matter owned by SHE PERSISTED LLC

Welcome to she persisted.

I'm your host Sadie Sutton.

Every Friday, I post interviews about mental health dialectical

behavioral therapy and teenage life.

These episodes break down my mental health journey, teach skills to

help you cope with life and showcase testimonials from individuals,

including teens, just like you.

Whether you've struggled yourself or just want to improve your mental fitness.

This podcast is your inspiration to live a life you love and keep persisting

This week on she persisted.

fear and anxiety will be, there its how you respond to it that matters

networking is all about value exchange.

So you need to give and also be willing to receive as well.

This week's DBT scale is the dear man scale.

When we enter an interaction, we have three options.

We can prioritize the relationship.

We can prioritize our objective, or we can prioritize our self-respect.

in instances, when you want to prioritize your objective,

this is the skill you'll use.

Dear man is an acronym that stands for describe express assert reinforce, be

mindful, appear confident, and negotiate.

So walking you through a quick example, if I'm advocating to a teacher at

school for an extension on a project, I would describe the situation.

The project you assigned is due tomorrow.

I'm completely aware of this.

And understand that you set the deadline far in advance.

Then we express I've been really overwhelmed and stressed out

with things going on at home.

I've been struggling to keep on track with my assignments and work at school.

Then we're going to assert, what do you want from this situation?

Is it possible to get a two day extension to finish up this project?

So I'm submitting the best work possible and putting my all into this assignment.

Now you're going to reinforce what's in it for the teacher.

For this instance, what would be in it for them as they're getting the best version

of your work, maybe that means that they could share it with another class as an

example, it will be more interesting than for them to read and kind of understand.

So saying I really want to give you my best rate possible.

So it's enjoyable for you to consume on your end and possibly use as

a resource going forward in the next couple of years, be mindful.

If this is an in person interaction, what's their body language.

What's their tone of voice.

Like facial expressions.

If this is via email, what language are they using?

What emotions are being expressed?

You're going to appear confident, not over apologizing, not being super defensive

instead clearly communicating what you're hoping for in

this situation and negotiate.

If the teacher says back, I'm really hoping to get these

assignments graded by tomorrow.

So I don't have a ton of work over the weekend.

Say I completely understand what would be possible to have

a one day or 12 hour extension.

So kind of meeting them where they're at.

So I hope that helps.

And this skill is one of the most useful skills in the DBT handbook.

It can be used in any situation.

A lot of people use it already without realizing it because it's a great skill

to have in your pocket, whether you're a student and employee, whatever it is.

The dear man skill just outlines it in extremely accessible, clear way that

you can do effectively and advocate for your objective without fail.

Okay, you guys welcome back to another episode.

You might notice that my voice sounds a little bit weird.

I actually got my wisdom teeth out yesterday.

The dedication is real, but we're going to keep this intro nice and short today.

Today, I'm sitting down with Ray Fong, a speaking coach based in Singapore,

she's been an MC and onscreen host for seven years and is master at

the art of connecting on-stage online and on one-to-one settings

to people from all walks of life.

She uses her expertise to coach and train on topics such as public speaking,

networking, and personal branding.

So if you've ever struggled with having confidence as a speaker, having stage

fright at school at work, whatever it is, this episode is for you.

And so many amazing, tangible tips, takeaways, all of that for us.

Anyone that struggles with anxiety, with finding your voice, connecting

with others, networking, you name it.

It is in this episode.

So we're also going to skip the questions of the week because my mouth hurts.

But without any further ado, let's jump into this episode.

Thank you so much for joining me on she persisted today.

Thank you for having me.

I'm so excited.

Of course.

So tell me a little bit about you tell listeners a bit about your

story and how you got into public speaking and, and teaching others

how to, how to speak in public.

Okay.

My name is Rae.

I'm a speaking coach based in Singapore, but of course I do have

global coaches, coaches, and clients.

Right now I coach people how to use your voice powerfully, how to embrace

your unique voice so that they never.

Compare themselves with others.

And they speak up with confidence and how I started going to public speaking.

That's a really interesting question because I think it was 10 years ago.

I always wanted to be an actress, but it never happened.

So I I went in two drama club in my school audition three times.

And I failed all of those three in this secondary school.

Okay.

I don't know, like some sort of, you know,

whatever, what role is that?

What were you trying out for?

Was this just to enter

the club?

It's just end all.

I want it.

Okay.

Oh my God.

I love it.

So because of that, they put me into community service club.

Okay.

So I became president of that club and I found that I really

love working with people.

So community service club, I actually managed to help elderly young people

give free tuition, you know, serve the community in my area, but that,

and we started working with a local community service center and they wanted

someone to be the host of your events.

Okay.

To volunteer to be your host of your events, whether it's a

community, service events, family, carnivals, all the kind of stuff.

And I thought, Hey, it's going to be good for my portfolio.

Why not?

So I was like 15 at that point of times, I was like, yeah,

why not good for portfolio?

So I did it a one time.

So scary but less scary because I wasn't paid.

You know, sometimes if you're not paid that the field is

not that bad, less pressure.

Yeah.

Less pressure, like, okay, I'm volunteering.

It's just a volunteering thing.

And that was when I started public speaking.

That was when I started hosting.

And I never stopped from there.

So it's been seven years.

I've been hosting live seven years and I think this just shows one thing, right?

Like if the universe is not letting you get a particular

opportunity, it could be a sign.

It could be saying that it's not your path, another path, because if I got

into drama club, I may not do coaching.

I may not be speaking.

So that's why I do now.

And the reason why I always talk about owning your unique voice.

So my signature program is how to own your unique voice speaking transformation

program is because growing up I've, I've compared myself with others all the time.

So in school it was comparing myself with others in terms of looks.

So there was one period of time that I hate that, how I looked so much

that when they ended it twice, I didn't want to look in the mirror.

And when I shower, I didn't want to look down on my body because I just

didn't want to see, I thought that I looked fat or that kind of stuff.

I just didn't want to see how I look.

Yeah.

And, you know, in university it was comparing with others in

terms of my grades and in terms of my talents on lack of talent.

You know, that was why I thought in my mind.

And only when I looked anywhere and follow my unique voice fish includes my inner

voice and my physical voice in a voice.

My unique thoughts, opinions, talents, strengths, passions

in church and physical voice.

My unique vibe, my personality like natural humor.

That I slowly, slowly stopped comparing myself with others as

much, because I saw myself as unique.

Like there's no other person, whoever that's listening right now.

Right.

There's only one of you.

So if you finally realized there's only one of you and there's

no reason for comparison, then you start to see life clearer.

It's like this real change or you start to see like, life

is in the Palm of your hands.

So that's why I'm right now.

I'm a speaking coach and I coach others how to find that unique voice and

then use it in networking, personal branding, public speaking, presentation

skills, speaking on camera, et cetera.

I love

it.

Sorry.

So before we dive into all of that amazingness with kind of conquering

anxiety or stage fright to get better at public speaking and being in front

of individuals and sharing your story, I kind of wanted to dive into a little

bit what you were just talking about with your unique voice and finding both

your inner and your physical voice.

That's so interesting.

And I was wondering what your, your tips and tricks are for individuals to kind of.

I find that because of course my inner voice won't be the exact same as yours.

It'll be really different.

So what are your tips to help an individual find and

identify their own inner voice?

So now I'm going to share a little bit about how to identify

your unique in the voice.

So with the inner voice, and we have a physical voice, of course,

physical voice, as far as like your tonality, your accent, et cetera.

That one you just got to practice and speak up a bit more so that you figure

it out and friends who actually say, Hey.

Kind of funny person or like your story, Larry, then maybe your physical

unit voices, your natural sense of humor, like a get joke, sense of humor.

Or if let's say your voice sounds like it can, this is what the physical voice

part of let's see your voice sounds like it can be made into a meditation app.

Okay.

Or you're very good with holding space.

You have a very nice voice, allows you to hold space for people.

And only certain people have that.

Like there's some people who are so comical and hilarious, they just

don't have that safe space voice.

So, you know, when you talk to people more, they give

you their opinions on that.

Hey, you know, I think you're, I think you're that, of course you

put it through a filter, different people have different opinions.

That's how you find your physical voice.

But most importantly, on a talk about the inner voice.

Because what I've realized is that the inner voice is so much more important

because without discovering and having clarity of your inner voice, you may

not use your physical voice with power.

Okay.

And the reason why finding your inner voice is so important.

It's because if you don't do that, you will start conforming to people.

You start trying to please others.

And I'll just give a short example before I go into how the actual

steps and how when I entered the entrepreneurship and personal

development space, three to four years ago, it was a very competitive space.

And even when I went into university and many of the listeners over here

would definitely be going to a new environment, a new school that is

college or university or a new job.

Refund back to school after, after COVID

even back to school after COVID and then looked at everybody around me.

And I just thought, why is like, why am I friends to so young?

Like just 20 plus my age.

Why are they like the sound so much smarter?

You know, some of them they're already into investing, starts shares.

They are in like, are acting on screen.

They doing this, they're doing that.

And I felt so small and I felt like my voice didn't matter at all.

I felt that.

I just wasn't as good in terms of general knowledge or in

terms of stocks and shares.

So in terms of you know, industry knowledge or knowing about the

world, and I try to join into conversations like for stocks and

shares and, and general knowledge, et cetera, but I felt so out of place.

Yeah.

Right.

Has that ever happened to you before?

Oh, totally.

Anyone tries to have like a conversation about like, like basic politics.

Sure.

I could maybe carry a conversation, but get into anything that's like

within the past 12 hours, like.

Different like senators running.

I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about.

I can add nothing to this conversation.

I'm sorry.

I just don't get what's happening right now.

Like totally same experience where I'm like, I don't know like what to do here.

It's just like, you feel like there's no value that you can.

Yeah,

exactly.

You kind of feel like, Oh no.

Am I supposed to know about this?

Especially when everybody.

Knows and talks and you're like, okay, I felt so out of place,

but this is the difference here.

And by the way, you can know everything in the world.

If you're clear of what you're in a unique inner voice is what you

do is you won't take it personally.

You would know that this is not your expertise.

This is not your niche.

This is not your area of interest.

And you'll just say, yeah, I mean, I've honestly, I haven't read about

this, but I'm happy to hear more.

You won't feel like you need to contribute anything or have to

please people and show people that you know, what you're talking about.

But what I did last time was I tried to join the conversation because

I felt like if I didn't, it showed that I was inspired enough or it

showed that I was just not well-read.

Which by the way, listeners, if you're, if you are listening this

right now, that is so not true.

All of us, all of you, you have your unique interests, you have your unique

passions, and that will be at least one thing that you're so passionate about.

Like, like a savior over here.

Right?

She has a whole entire podcast about mental health and everything.

So how to find your unique inner voice.

Okay.

This one kit.

And you just need to know this one tip.

Okay.

Then you can actually practice right now to dig every single piece of content

that you consume, whether it's on the news, whether it is motivational

quotes or whatever things that you're looking at, Instagram books, anything

that you consume, any type of content that you consume, even podcasts.

Ask yourself this question.

What do I think about this?

What are my thoughts about this?

Don't just stick.

Don't just take the content and put it into your brain just as it is, ask

yourself, do I have an opinion about this?

Do I have an opinion about this story opinion about this statement?

Do I have an opinion about this Instagram posts or this podcast?

And there's no right or wrong opinion.

But when you ask yourself this question, you put yourself in a hat, you, you

adopt the habit of not just conforming into other people's opinions and

stories, but actually forming your own unique opinion about everything.

And when you do that, you start to find that you discover your

unique thoughts, perspectives, opinions, interests, and passions.

I love it.

It's.

Yeah, it's, it's amazing.

It's critically consuming content so that you can kind of come

into your authentic self and be able to portray that to others.

And it's such a powerful tool.

And even just from a perspective of someone who's like interacting with, with

people, I think regardless of what their.

Their level of expertise is on a subject.

Someone that sticks to their guns and is authentic.

And like, I don't really know anything about this.

Like that is so much more from my perspective, appealing and admirable

that they're willing to accept if it's a weakness or if it's just strength and be

themselves rather than again, conforming to what everyone else is doing and having

your own opinions is, is what makes us unique and amazing and different.

And so I love that so much.

Spot on safety.

And if the people around you keeps talking about something that makes you

feel uncomfortable or makes you a few super, super out of place, then kindly

asked them to change the subject.

And for example, if they're talking about a movie that you don't

know about, I mean, movies, you can totally change the subject.

You know, but sometimes I think it's important to share that, you know, I

know nothing about this movie or they could be gossiping about someone.

If they don't know about a person, you are completely out of place and

you may even feel like, you know, part of a gang or, you know, potty click.

So I think that if they're really good friends, just ask, Hey, I'd early.

Know about this topic.

Have you dealt with something else?

Yeah, or be like, what about this movie?

Have you seen this one recently and, and friends that are in tune with your, your

thoughts and your emotions and are aware of what's going on, we'll read that signal

and read the room and be like, okay.

Yeah, let's talk about that movie and be receptive to that.

So it's, it's a great way to also reflect on your relationships and those people

around you and see if they're also living in the values that are important to you.

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So.

Diving into kind of conquering that, that stage right now that you're

able to put together this unique voice in this unique inner voice that

contributes to your, your physical voice.

Talking about how to build your confidence, improve your kind of speaking

skills, because I think that's something that brings so much anxiety to so many

people, especially in high school.

I know everyone dreads the day when it's like presentations in front of the class,

or like any like language presentation, I was always like, Oh, my God.

I'm so scared.

Like I could be doing podcasts all weekend and then I'd go to school and like,

I don't want to do this like Spanish presentation in front of everyone.

So it's just such a universal experience.

And I think something that lots of people look for advice on

and could really use support on.

So kind of going to you as the expert, what are your tips and tricks for that?

Okay.

I will first ask you a question in KCAT.

So you have, have you experienced fear of speaking.

Totally.

What is that one incident, recent incidents that you

have experienced that fear?

Yeah.

I think it's not as bad on zoom school for sure.

I feel like it's definitely a different, different kind

of experience to just unmute.

But I think going up to the front of the classroom and being the only one

presenting on something or speaking on something for kind of an extended period

of time, rather than just kind of adding a little input here and there, but any

kind of class presentation where you're in front of everyone, everyone's just.

Silent giving you the floor.

And I think, especially in that setting is one where I'm more uncomfortable.

Whereas if I'm talking about mental health, I could go for

hours and talk and talk and talk.

But if I'm present presenting on something where I'm a little bit

outside of my comfort zone, that's definitely something that brings

anxiety and fear and definitely have a lack of confidence in that situation.

Okay.

So why do you have to yeah.

Like think about it.

What was going through your mind at the point of time?

What were the thoughts that were in your head when you had that fear?

Totally fear of messing up, like saying something wrong or saying something

I didn't mean a falling over walking up to the front of the classroom and just like

face planning that would be disastrous.

I think not having my true thoughts or feelings come across the way I wanted

want them to and being misunderstood.

I think fear of like rejection and vertical ridicule, whether that's

people like laughing or like not agreeing that kind of a thing.

Especially in, in the school setting is something that also

brings up anxiety as well.

Okay.

So fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of accidentally

flopping on the ground.

Okay.

So fear of flopping on the ground, fear of failure, fear of judgment.

Is there a deeper fear or would you say that, is that, is that,

or is there a deeper fear?

I think that all of those would kind of just tie to like rejection

and just not being accepted, whether it's through failure or falling on the

ground or, or being judged, it would, it would be being rejected and not

accepted and not being deemed good.

Perfect.

Okay.

So if I were to ask you this, let's say, let's imagine that the worst

possible scenario happened and you did.

Get rejected.

Like you failed you, you didn't do your presentation.

Perfectly.

People fell on the floor.

What do you think your classmates were react?

What do you laugh at you?

Or what do you just probably go like, oops.

You know, it's interesting.

I think the fear is the fear is them laughing and making a joke out

of it and me never living it down.

But in reality, that wouldn't happen.

I know people would have a lot more compassion and be like, Oh

my goodness, like, are you okay?

Whatever.

And it would be like more of an internally shameful situation than

really what's externally going on.

So there's a fear, but what I think about what actually would happen.

No one would be laughing or making a whole thing out of it.

I would really just more be concerned or are you okay?

What's going on?

Like that kind of thing.

But even if, even if the whole class laughed at you, do you think

you be able to do with it as a person?

Oh, would that be like I'm dying?

That's dead.

No, I would definitely, it would be embarrassing.

The moment, lots of shame.

I'd probably be one of those things where you go 30 years down

the line and you think of that.

And you're like, Oh God, that was embarrassing.

But I wouldn't be able to move on.

I'd get on with living my life.

And I would cringe every time I thought about it, but I would

be able to continue navigating other more challenging situations.

And I don't think it would completely hold me back.

Perfect.

So we just had a perfect example on how to befriend FIA.

How do you treat fear like a friend?

So the two ways to, in a sense, control anxiety and fear, cause fear and anxiety

will be, there its how you respond to it that matters there's the mindset way.

And there's the physical portion, which I'll share some tips and tricks

how to get rid of anxiety physically, but in terms of mindset, well, the,

it is just asking questions and I ask myself those questions as well,

because many, a times the fear now hits.

It's a story that we tell our mind, and that story is so dramatize.

It's like we're playing a 10 times dramatic movie, Hollywood movie, a

bridge that will not happen in real life because people are not legal in it.

And if they are, then they're not worth it to be friends.

Anyway.

So some questions you can ask yourself, ask yourself is what am I saw?

So going through my mind at this very moment that I am

fearful, what's my inherent fear.

So there usually is a root cause of fear.

So plopping down on the floor, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The inherent fear is usually fear of judgment, fear of rejection,

and if you're a failure.

Okay.

And then another question you could ask to sell question.

Number two is as the thoughts in my head, is it just a

story that I'm telling myself?

Is it just a feeling?

Are, are these thoughts, facts?

Like, is it true that people will reject me?

Is it true that people will boo and jeer at me?

And usually it's not the case.

It's just something that we talked about.

And if the worst part scenario happen, can you deal with that scenario?

Do you think you can recover from it?

Will you have friends that can support you to recover from

that mini trauma that you had.

Yes then, Hey, you know, what's the worst that could happen.

So usually these questions

to go into hiding for 10 years and forget about it and meet

all new people, you would still survive it, it would be okay.

Exactly.

Right.

So both of the questions that you could use.

Okay.

That being said.

Sometimes fear of public speaking could have a deeper, deeper, deeper,

deeper, deeper, inherent fear and could be due to a past childhood trauma.

So if that's the case, then I would suggest, you know, depending on how

serious it is, you would need this, you know, seek some support for me.

I do do a little bit of coaching with my clients specific to that trauma aspect.

Cause I'm not, I'm not like a trauma expert obviously, but

depending how deep seated their trauma is you can still heal it.

And, and you can still like you know, deal with it with the coach.

But of course, if it's more serious, then, you know, definitely going six or five.

But what I mean by childhood trauma is for example, maybe your parents shut you down.

Then you wanted to speak up when you were younger and that memory, like

maybe they sit like shut up because they were angry that point of time.

Or they were still busy at work.

And they did not mean it, but when he said in your mind as a child,

you ingrained in your memory that if I speak up, I'll get shut down.

So unfortunately that memory may be ingrained in your mind.

And even now as a, as a teen or as an adult you start responding in a way

that when someone asks you to speak up, you, you don't want to speak because

you're afraid of getting shut down.

Do you feel like that, that, you know, anybody that, that, that may happen.

Totally.

I've met tons of people where that's an experience or even in

different like social relationships.

If they have one friends that that's a little bit more like commandeering

of a conversation, or we'll just minimize their opinion or perspective,

you really do get into that habit.

And that cycle of being like, okay, well, my perspective doesn't matter.

It's not going to make a difference.

And, and you just don't voice it.

So.

Totally a very common experience.

And if it's a childhood trauma, you, you have to heal it.

So you have to go back in time to heal that situation and ask

yourself, putting yourself in your mom's or your dad's perspective.

And ask yourself that as my mom and asked my dad that I really

want to have my own feelings, but then, or what a really, really,

really busy work you don't forgive.

You may not like.

Forgive them for doing that particular thing, but at least seek

to understand from your perspective.

And if let's say the reason why you feel speaking up is because your current

community or your current friends are cutting you off or shutting you down,

even though there's something so small as minimizing your opinion in a conversation.

It might be a very huge thing to you and you need to take that seriously.

It might be, I mean, come on, it's just a conversation about movies, like something

small, but to you, it could be like, why are you shutting down my opinion

and why am I not given a space to speak?

I feel small.

I feel like I'm not part of this clique voice, those feelings

or change those friends.

I'm sorry, but you have to do that because if you don't, you're going

to forever live with that fear.

Because the people around you are not allowing you to speak

up and it's Ida, you change your friends, you change your community.

You tell them all you, you, you know, you seek their opinion and

the understanding or you're going to live in that fear forever.

So I think in summary, it's really finding the root cause of the fear

and dealing with the root cost.

That's where the mindset portion.

Okay.

I do have a worksheet for this.

Our, you know, I see the link get in, in the post whatsoever, because I

think it's very helpful cause I have a biweekly newsletter where I churn out

these worksheets for people to use.

So I can send you the link for that so that you can use that worksheet

can befriend fear and the questions, insight to befriend your fear in terms

of physically, how can you get rid of anxiety and fear in the short term?

Well one helpful tip.

Is to research the place that you'll be speaking in.

So is that say is a classroom.

You already know how the classroom looks like.

Great, but it was a new environment go and Google the image, know how

the space is make sure that you're really familiar with the location.

The people that you're speaking to, you know, who you're speaking to, why that's

important is because many, a times we are fearful because we are not prepared

or we feel like you're in an unfamiliar environment and your brain just.

Panics.

So when you make the environment familiar to you, then you wouldn't

padding as much because you're like, Hey, I know where I'm at.

I know the space, I know the exact spot.

And I know the LC 30 people here.

I know that 30 people will be my classmates.

Okay.

I'm good.

So just be so prepared that you can not be afraid that you will screw up.

Okay.

And once you're so prepared, tell yourself that.

You released any expectation of the outcome you have

really done all you could.

So that's one thing make the place you're presenting in familiar.

The second thing would be that you have the control, the energy in your

body because anxiety is like energy.

So what you could do is to do jump star jumps, jump around, feel your hands

around, walk around and do some squats that you get rid of that novice energy.

Okay.

So that's the second thing you can do.

The thing that you have to do is right before your presentation,

do not look at your script.

So you look at your script before your presentation.

So long since I've presented on, on something.

Like I do, obviously lots of love, lots of podcasts things, and I'll speak about the

podcast and other situations, but yeah.

Ever since I started, I've really kind of gone away from like pre-prepared

scripts or intros or questions because I just like it to flow naturally.

So I can speak from experience that I found that to be effective.

But beforehand, definitely when I was at school and I was going to present

something, I'd be like going back over all my lives and figuring everything out.

So definitely used to be a crash that I would lean on a lot.

Yeah.

So you got to slowly wean away from the crutch, please.

SAV, for advice on how to do that, you've seen just speaking about

something you love, you may not need a script as much, but a try.

I mean, I've techniques to how to help people.

You'll slowly not use the script as a crutch.

It's very important because when you are dependent on your script, you are

naturally if you anxious, because you feel like you need to memorize every

single word, but when you understand the content, instead of memorize the

script, then you know that the content is in your head and you won't be so

worried about making every single word.

Perfect.

But just delivering the content across.

So that's a set thing.

There's so many more, but you know, I'll just get the last one.

The fourth thing is do your best to focus on your audience and ask

yourself what is the message that my audience needs to hear today?

Or what is the objective of the presentation?

If it's a school's presentation and that's it focus on the audience, forget yourself.

When you focus on the audience, you slowly forget yourself and you will not think

about your fear and anxiety anymore.

Totally.

This week's episode is sponsored by teen counseling.

I can not tell you guys how many DMS texts emails I get from teens,

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How can I enroll in therapy?

How can I find a therapist for my team?

How do I tell my parents?

I want to go to therapy.

That's why I'm partnering with teen counseling.

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They offer support on things like depression, anxiety,

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with this stranger and go through all of that for the first time.

So you can go to teen counseling.com, she persisted.

Again, that's teencounseling.com/she persisted to get started today.

So I have to, I have to ask you, I feel like one of the age old speaking tips

that I, I was always told, I always heard it being said was to imagine that

your audience is in their underwear.

Is this something that you recommend?

I've never done it, even though it's kind of funny if it helps.

I've never done it before, because it's so hard to imagine.

I knew tell a lie.

No, like the only way I've ever been able to imagine this situation is

like, I think it was because it comes from when I was so young and it's like

an entire like cartoon audience, like wearing like giant white, like boxers.

Like I don't couldn't even like they would take so much mental energy to like put

this picture together that I would like be so distracted from the content I was.

Don't do it.

I would suggest doing, because you don't want to forget your audience.

You want to connect with them.

Like you need to connect to them, please.

Don't do it.

Connect with your audience, get them because the audience

has to be that stickiness.

If the audience, as if they're not there.

Totally.

So kind of continuing this theme of connecting let's talk,

networking, and tips for that.

I think that's another thing, especially as you're kind of getting out of high

school and nearing the end of your year is there, it's something people are always

talking about network, network, network, what's your, all that kind of stuff.

And I know.

For me, that brings a lot of anxiety.

And especially when we get back to more in person events, having to go

and interact and just this idea of networking, there's so much pressure.

So kind of, what are your tips and tricks for, for networking with other

individuals do's and don'ts kind of your, your advice for navigating that process?

Oh, I

love, love, love, love, love the topic of networking.

I used to be so afraid to talk to people trust you.

This is true.

Like I will walk into a room and if everybody knew each other, I

would just sit in the corner and go like, okay, I'm just going to take

this little space over here, army.

Oh, I hope nobody sees.

I have to tell you that networking is one of the most amazing act forms.

I've ever learned.

It sounds so funny to say at phones, but when you truly master the art of

networking, you really see the worlds in your hands, because look at this, how many

people do you know in your contact list?

Like maybe not everybody, it's not like Facebook friends,

because there's so many, right.

I don't like Instagram followers.

There's like a thousands less, but more of like people that

you actually physically know.

And you would talk to at least once in six months,

At least a couple hundred would be my guess if like over email

and person on the phone, like kind of probably at least a hundred,

at least a hundred, a few hundred.

Okay.

A few

hundred.

Okay.

So within these new hundred people, do you have an inkling and you kind of know then

and your professions that, you know, your interests ish a little bit like familiar.

Yeah.

So a few hundred.

Okay, perfect.

So Sandy and I connect.

And I know a few hundred through a couple of hundred people where

I'm at least clear on what you're doing now, where your interests

lie, et cetera, then, and steady.

And I connect.

And we both, you know, know each other.

I know what she's doing, this amazing thing she's doing right now.

And she's, you know, in university as well.

And for me, she knows what I'm doing.

I'm a speaking coach and we both know what we need in life to succeed.

I mean, we both know the opportunities that we're looking for.

Technically.

We have both just double our connections.

Okay.

Why do I say so?

It's crazy.

It's crazy, right?

It's like sharing clothes with your sister, anybody share codes, like if your

success and what will you share close?

Both of you have 20 clothes now.

Same as connections.

Right.

But only we do it.

Right.

Okay.

And this is how we do it.

So firstly just three quick principles of networking.

I do have 10, but I'm just going to share tree.

So it sounds good.

Then principals, you have to keep in mind.

Okay.

Number one, networking is like sewing, a variety of feats.

They take time to germinate.

They take time to bloom and which will be harvest at first and which will be

harvest that maybe 10 years from now.

So choose the right seats, choose the right people to invest in.

She was the right people to put your time into people with the

right values, similar values as you and be patient and have faith.

Okay.

Make friends make have relationships, connections, but they may not

value results immediately.

So I think that's an important because you don't see

networking as just like a, okay.

I meet you today.

Hopefully in 20 days you get me a job.

Like, unfortunately that's not, and that's also extremely transactional,

so I don't see networking that way.

Cause I'm a true don't aim for more networks in for quality networks.

It's better to have less people that you know, but they are

quality and they are nice people.

I mean, there are people that share your values and there are people who

are can support you to what's your, your growth and your goals, as opposed

to knowing like so many people.

And they're just random people and the military, this is the most important

networking is all about value exchange.

So you need to give and also be willing to receive as well.

I think that many of us have no issues, one thing to give, but one

thing to receive, sorry, I don't know.

One thing to give, sorry.

One thing to give.

I think many of us, we don't have a problem of giving, but

we may find it hard to receive.

And I see this, especially for younger people.

I know we have imposter syndrome.

We feel like I don't know if not it's okay.

Don't I didn't help.

Like, we feel like we can do things ourselves or we feel like I'm afraid to

ask for help or the afraid to ask for support or to be connected with someone.

Do you feel like as a young person, like that's the case?

Yeah, I think it's something nowadays is really common.

I always think of people that don't want to accept compliments where

you're like, Oh, you look great today.

I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.

Like that's totally a very stereotypical reaction that totally, totally fits

that.

Exactly.

And we don't accept.

We try not accept compliments.

We may not even accept health.

Like maybe someone could just say, Hey, you know, I could really put your resume

on this person's desk that you want to.

And then it's okay.

It's okay.

And I don't know why we do that maybe because we're afraid that the also when

something, or maybe because we think that we're not worthy of help, whatever

the inherent reason is in order for you to give you need to also receive,

because if everybody's giving in the world who is going to be receiving.

Yes, totally.

Right.

Exactly.

So just know that it's a value exchange.

So those are the principles of networking.

And you know, there's these principles like, do you find any,

any one of them resonates with you?

I think it's very, I really liked what you said about networking, not being

transactional and about it being really authentic and fulfilling relationships.

I think that's really, really important to remember.

And I think it really, really speaks to that, that people are to find it

hard to receive, because if things were really transactional, right.

Then, or they would be like, yeah, give me all of these connections or whatever,

but when you're really building authentic relationships that, that you care about.

And I think that's a good sign when you're kind of hesitant about receiving,

because you don't want to like use the person or something like that.

And so I think it's a good.

Flag to know, as far as your relationship and also important to

know that if you're just as willing to give you would love that person

to receive that generosity from you and they probably feel the same way.

Exactly.

And how do you feel when you give you, if you happy for yourself?

Yeah.

All the

time.

Yeah.

So you got to let as a person also feel happy and fulfilled by

receiving so no practical tip.

Okay.

Of course.

There's so many techniques in networking, but I'm just going to give one

practical tip and this will probably.

Transform the way you look at networking and eliminate a

lot of the fear that you have.

Okay.

So the reason why most, most young people, especially for me back then, right?

Right.

Especially when I speak to older people or more experienced people, I feel

networking is because I feel like I have nothing to contribute to deposit.

And I hate feeling like I'm asking for advice from mentors, et cetera.

And I have nothing to give simple solution, find out what you have to give.

Okay.

So this is what you do in every conversation.

Two things need to happen in every networking conversation.

Of course, if you just want to have a, have a chat with a friend and

maybe this doesn't doesn't doesn't help, but if it's a networking

conversation, two things have to happen.

Number one, you need to find out what are the pinpoints that

person you're talking to has.

What are the problems they're going through?

What are the issues that they're having more of?

Like I did looking for a job or the finding an internship or whatever, and

find out how you can contribute to them.

That's the first thing, the second thing that needs to happen is you need to make

aware to them what you are looking for.

Are you looking for mentors?

I am looking for a job.

I am looking for opportunities in the acting space.

Are you looking for other people to collaborate with in

terms of mental health podcast?

Okay.

What are you looking for?

Just make known to them so that they know what you need, because nobody

is able to connect you with people and they don't know what you need.

They need to know what you need and whether they connect you or

not, it's up to them, but they need to know what you need.

Okay.

So once that two things need to happen, now we need to find

out how you can contribute.

Okay.

So imagine if you're with a pen and paper right now, pick up a paper, draw a table.

Okay.

The table has two columns and tree rows.

Okay.

Two columns and three rows.

So that six boxes.

All right.

So on the left side is the column called value to give

value, to give on the right side.

And the column is called value to receive.

Okay.

So the value has tree types and you can write it in the rows

row one row two, row three.

So the first role, which is the first type of value is experiences.

The second type of value is connections.

The type of value is opportunities.

So it's easier for me for short, equal.

Okay.

So value to give in terms of experiences, as your knowledge, your expertise,

your experience, your stories.

Things that you have.

And even as a young person, you have a lot, I mean, with the shady over

here, I can not believe she's speaking.

Ethan Mallory.

Like when I saw your website, I was like, she started a podcast at 16.

What was I doing at 16?

So sad.

Definitely in terms of experience.

Podcasting, right.

What Peck, Dubai, how to make a podcast work.

Right?

A lot of our more experienced people would meet her advice if you're

looking at going to talk Kardashian.

So that's on the experience value to guests, connection value to receive.

Sorry.

I love experiences value to receive would be if let's say you want to receive

experiences, real mentors, basically.

What is the value in terms of experience that you want to receive?

Connections would be people.

Value to give as a young person, we can actually connect a lot of

older entrepreneurs with maybe your friends who want to be intense.

That's an example, value to receive in terms of connections.

Could he you want to receive More mentors.

Maybe you want to be connected with mentors in your space.

You want me to connect with this other people who are in your industry?

And so the, in terms of value in terms of opportunities would be what

kind of internships you get, clients that you can give and receive.

So this sounds a little bit complicated, cause I just met you draw a table,

but I had another worksheet for this.

So I CD to make it in the bio because I have a worksheet for this whole entire

valued to give and receive table.

But the thing is, this is so important because this has helped me a lot.

When I put this in my little pocket and every time I have

to meet someone, I kick it out.

Okay, what is my value to give and to receive?

Okay, I can give this and I want to receive this.

Okay.

I can give this.

Okay, great.

So I know that I have something to contribute to someone and I

will never feel insecure that I have nothing to contribute.

I love it.

Amazing tip and, and so useful in so many interactions, regardless of, of

who you're having a back and forth with.

So just so helpful.

Yay.

I hope that helps because as young people, as teens, we are so much value to give.

We just don't see it.

You know, once I had coffee with this 50 plus year old speaker, he's

a top 5% speaker in my country.

And I'm just thinking, what do I have to get nothing.

Right.

But it's okay.

Let me just meet him because he's so willing to help and mentor me.

So he men taught me for that session.

And I didn't want, I can you.

He didn't know how to recall an Instagram story.

So I taught him, I taught him how to use the Jeffs, the polls, how to spot,

how you can actually hands-free records.

You don't have to click it the whole time, how to do a boomerang.

You know, we have so much to get.

If you just, you need to see things from other people's perspectives.

And as older people, they eat so much help with tech.

So I'm just saying that you have a lot, a lot, a lot to guess.

It's such a good point.

And I so, so useful and so many in so many interactions again just so many

resources in this episode that are going to be so helpful for so many

people, so many tangible takeaways, and I love it such, such a great resource.

Thank you so much for joining

me.

Thank you for having me say it.

I just hope that if anything, it would just take away.

One thing is that your unique voice matter in matches.

So you're the only person in the world.

If you are listening to this right now, you're the only person in the

world with your unique challenges.

You've been through hardships.

You've been true culture, family, race, religion experiences.

Even if you're a twin, you don't have the same breakup as your twin.

So if you see the value of your voice Chicana, use it.

If only you see the value of the voice.

As much as I see in you, you will use your voice.

So please, please, please find your unique voice.

Amazing.

Where can people find you on Instagram, on social media?

What are, what are your socials?

Okay, so you can follow me on Instagram.

I'm raid matrix.

So that's R a E M E T R I X.

If you want to find me on LinkedIn, you can just search Ray Fung, R H E F U N G.

And please subscribe to my digital newsletter.

Not because I need more subscribers, but because I really hope that

more young people use the resource.

Because the resources that I put on my digital newsletter, I

resources that I personally use.

And I really hope that by using these resources, You can start finding

your voice and using your voice.

So in terms of the resources, I do templates like actual DIY worksheets

and questions you can use, not just reading things you can use in terms

of networking, speaking, finding your unique voice presentation skills, how to

plan for your presentation, how to brand yourself, how to find your unique voice.

In terms of the questions that you ask yourself.

All of these are in my DIY digital newsletter and there's a telegram channel.

So all you need to do is to go to my Instagram and check the link

in my bio and just click on the little box assist newsletter, fill

up the form and join the group.

And you will receive digital newsletters from me every two weeks.

Amazing.

I love it.

Well again, thank you so much.

And I'm, I'm so glad we got to do this.

If you enjoyed this week's episode, please share with a friend, family

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Thanks for listening.