Battling through Trauma

MaryLayo talks with Ricky Sluder, a Life & Relationship Coach, who shares about his journey surviving childhood abuse, neglect and loss. Ricky shares about what helped him to receive inner healing and develop his relationship with God.

MaryLayo’s spiritual wellness tip is: meditate on Revelations 3:20. For more insights on mental health and spiritual wellbeing. Remember to follow and share if you found the discussion helpful.

#BeyondTheSmile #Trauma #MaryLayoTalks #MentalHealth #ChristianFaith #ChildAbuse

Marylayo's spiritual wellbeing tip: Meditate on the bible scripture Revelation 3:20.

For dealing with mental health related matters, please seek specialist advice and support if needed.

Guest details:

Ricky is a Life & Relationship Coach and leading expert globally in the field of fraud detection and prevention. Ricky served the state of Texas as a Special Criminal Investigator (Hostage Negotiator), attached to an FBI Task Force in Dallas, TX.

After leaving law enforcement, Ricky spent 13 years working for large technology firms like IBM and SAS, offering fraud detection solutions and consulting services in more than 29 countries.

In 2022, Ricky published his book, Accepting Truth, Finding Hope! Being a childhood trauma survivor, and having battled Complex PTSD himself, Ricky developed a faith-based alternative to the traditional mental health model.

An avid writer, Ricky also enjoys writing feature length film screenplays, and he has a passion for public speaking. He earned a Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice from Texas State University. A proud father of two, and a fifth generation Texan, he resides in Fort Worth, Texas.

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MaryLayo: Welcome to beyond the smile with me,

MaryLayo, a podcast that discusses mental

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health and spiritual wellbeing.

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If you like what you hear, please do remember

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to follow and share.

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But before we jump in, there may be episodes

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that are particularly sensitive for some

listeners.

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And if that applies, then I hope you will join

me whenever you feel ready and able.

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In today's episode, I'm speaking to guest

Ricky Sluder about a series of traumatic

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events he encountered since childhood.

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Ricky shares about issues which can be

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particularly sensitive for some listeners,

such as sexual abuse, and highlights how his

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relationship with God helped with his road to

recovery.

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I start by asking Ricky about an incident that

led to a fatality when he was a teenager.

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Let's join in the conversation.

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Ricky: I was 14 years old.

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I had a really bad childhood.

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We can get into that, but let's just say that

I was not supervised, as maybe I should have

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been.

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And so I was out with some friends and we went

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to a pond shop.

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We had been drinking a lot.

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We needed more beer money, and so we were

going to **** a ring so we could go buy more

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alcohol.

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And while we were there, two of the crew went

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inside and a car pulled up.

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And it was a gang.

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I could tell that they were a gang.

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And when my two friends came out of the ****

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shop, we were parked in a back alley.

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It was a real bad part of town.

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And when they came out, that gang was kind of

lying in wait.

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They were waiting for them and they.

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They came out knives and, you know, attempted

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to rob them.

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And a fight was on.

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And one of my compadres, if you will, was

trying to get back into the car.

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I was in the car and I was trying to help.

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As I was doing that, this other person came

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behind that guy and he came into the car.

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So as I'm trying to come out, he's coming in

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and he puts a knife between my eyes.

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And I'm 14, you know, he's an adult.

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And he.

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He told me he was going to kill me, told me to

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give me all my money.

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And I don't know how I knew to be calm and

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rationalise with him, but I. I pointed out to

him that, hey, look, man, we're at a ****

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shop.

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If I had money, I wouldn't be here.

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And I ended up just rationalising with him to

the point that he kind of looked at me, like

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dumbfounded, and he ended up backing away.

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He pulled the knife away from my eyes, and for

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whatever reason, he bought what I was selling.

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And he decided not to kill me.

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And as he backed out of the car, one of my

friends had retrieved a machete from the other

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side of the car that we had.

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And I watched him basically stab him through

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the back and out the chest.

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And the guy fell down dead, narrowly avoided

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him killing me, and then watched him die.

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MaryLayo: What was the outcome in the sense of

how you were your friends at the time, how you

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got through that?

You got over that?

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Ricky: I worried about myself because I didn't

lose a wink of sleep that night.

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We lied to the police, first of all.

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So did the other two, the other crew.

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There was kind of a known thing that you

don't.

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You don't talk to the police.

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Right?

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You handle yourselves.

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They had drugged their guy away before the

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police had had actually shown up.

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So the body wasn't found.

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And so we all just told a story that wasn't

true.

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I went home.

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Of course I slept without any problems.

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And it really bothered me that it didn't

bother me, if that makes sense.

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And the Dallas police department, homicide

division, called my house, called my mom the

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next day and explained that they had in the

evidence room my letter jacket and some other

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belongings that they had stolen.

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I did give the guy my jacket.

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I didn't tell you that I gave him my jacket as

a way to prevent him from killing.

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It's something I had to give him.

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So they have retrieved that.

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And when my mom gets off the phone with a

homicide detective, she asked me, hey, what

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happened last night?

I tell her a completely b's story.

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You know, she never asked any question, never

took me to get my property.

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She just, like it was no big deal, just

dropped it, moved on, went on with her life.

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And so that's, that hurt more than anything

else.

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So when you asked me how did I cope with it or

get over it, I didn't.

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I just stuffed it down and said, life goes on.

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Keep.

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Keep moving.

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You know, nobody cares, so why should you?

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MaryLayo: I'm wondering that given that there

was a few of you together.

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Ricky: Mm hmm.

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MaryLayo: Would you say that you all kind of

dealt with it in the same way?

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Ricky: I think so.

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I can't speak for them.

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Right.

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MaryLayo: Yeah.

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Ricky: But, you know, when you're young,

especially when you're a man or at that time,

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I was still a boy, really admitting that

something bothers you, you know, would make,

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would make me weak.

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And I ran around with a tough crowd that we

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fought.

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We, you know, we acted like we were tough.

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And so I had to.

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I had to play the part.

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That's what I thought.

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I know now that was the wrong way to handle

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it, but I, I didn't know then how to handle

it, so I just pushed it to the side and said,

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you know, that's a, that's a, that's a problem

for future Ricky.

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And, and it came back to bite me.

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MaryLayo: One of the things you alluded to is

your mom's response to what happened.

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Tell me more about, I guess, the abandonment

or the lack of that parental oversight,

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guardianship that, you know, that children

would normally experience or hopefully they

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would experience that you didn't necessarily

get.

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Tell us about.

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More about your upbringing.

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Ricky: I think I was about four years old when

my dad owned a construction company.

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He had done some work for a guy and I think

the guy ended up defrauding him for about

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$90,000 US, which is a lot of money in 1979.

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Its a lot of money today.

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And it ruined him financially.

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He was a self made person who had just worked

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hard and built a business and this guy ruined

him overnight.

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And my dad already had an emotional cup that

was full.

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And all this did was cause all of that to just

spill out.

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They always say the people who are closest to

you hurt you the most, right?

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And so he didn't, I don't think he knew how to

process what was happening to him.

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And he, he became very violent and he wanted

to murder the man.

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But he.

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I don't guess he could get access to him to do

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that.

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So he decided to, you know, just let his rage

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flow from time to time.

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He would destroy our homes.

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He would watch them rip a recliner in half

with his bare hands.

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And he then decided that, you know, he would

kill all of us and then kill himself.

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I found him under his truck one night.

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I came home from a baseball game.

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I'm seven at this point.

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He was under the truck and I saw something

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shiny under the truck.

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So I looked down and he had a loaded 44 to his

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head.

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And he was practising for what I learned

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later, he was practising.

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So I went and told my mom.

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And then eventually he ended up leaving the

family.

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He got help.

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I applaud him for getting help.

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What I don't understand is why he never

checked on us.

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He just kind of made cameo visits here and

there and he was absent.

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Uh, my mom, we went from living on five acres

of land, country horses, that kind of stuff,

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to moving to an apartment.

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And when my mom told me that we were, that my

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dad had left, they were divorcing and that we

were moving, you know, she said, we're getting

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a two bedroom apartment.

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I'm like, well, there's three of us.

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How's that going to work?

And she said, well, your sister will get one

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room because she's a girl, she will take the

other room because she's the mom, and I'll

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sleep on the couch.

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So what I didn't realise is that none of my

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toys, none of my, you know, things that you

have when you're an eight year old little boy

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were coming with you.

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Right around the same time that all that

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occurred, I had also been molested by a family

member.

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And ironically, the same day that I was

molested, I also discovered ***********.

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Too early of an age for that to occur, either

things to occur, but that was the sequence of

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events.

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So, um, I was a very obedient child.

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I was terrified of my dad.

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And one day I was playing in a living room.

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I knocked over a horse was made out of brass.

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It was sitting on the end table.

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Made my dad very mad, um, that I did that.

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So he told me to go pick a belt that he was

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going to, you know, whipped me with.

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And so I'm looking at his closet going, all of

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your belts are terrible.

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I don't want to get hit with any of these.

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So I picked one that I thought would do the

least damage.

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Hand it to him.

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And instead of him taking and bending it, you

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know, to spank me with it, instead he wrapped

the tail of it around his hand and the buckle

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dropped toward the floor and he began slinging

it and screaming at the top of his lungs, you

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know, you think that won't effing hurt you?

And I'm like, I'm pretty sure you're going to

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kill me with it, right?

And he's hitting the walls, he's hitting

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furniture.

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Sheetrock and splinters of wood are flying at

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me and I'm.

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I'm terrified of what is about to happen to

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me.

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And so that's the backdrop of my childhood.

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And so then my mom, after they divorced, she

hadn't worked previously.

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She had to get a job.

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She didn't make a lot of money.

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We were very poor.

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She did the best she could and she was caught

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up in her own storm with trying to work two

jobs to support us and just make sure we

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stayed fed.

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That was a challenge.

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And so she wasn't available to me the way I

needed her to be.

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And I basically raised myself, you know, for

about nine years old on whatever I needed to

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do.

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I did it myself.

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MaryLayo: So it was basically almost like a

world turned upside down.

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And it was a very different home life,

childhood experience, what you were

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encountering.

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Ricky: Yeah, I liken it to a hurricane.

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A hurricane, you know, it can be a peaceful

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day, and then all of a sudden, one band of the

hurricane will come through and hit you, and

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then the eye of the hurricane comes, it's

peace again, and then you got that next wave

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coming of the band.

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And it was a lot like that, where we had

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moments that were peaceful, then absolute hell

and then peace and then absolute hell again.

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MaryLayo: So, Ricky, you mentioned about the

sexual abuse that was also going on.

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Did you actually disclose that?

Did you share that with your parents?

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Did you share that with an adult or anyone?

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Ricky: I told no one.

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The person who did this was my most trusted

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person.

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As stupid as it sounds.

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I didn't want to betray the trust, even though

the trust had been betrayed against me.

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That's the only person I had.

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And when you're in that kind of situation and

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you only have one person and that person hurts

you, what do you do?

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MaryLayo: How many years did this carry on

for?

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Ricky: So the abuse was a one.

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That was a one time event.

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I just never told anybody.

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I ended up telling my mom and confronting the

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person when I was about 42 years old.

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I needed to get it out of.

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MaryLayo: Me, but it was a trusted person.

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Did you still have a, let's call it a

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relationship of some kind where they were

still that trusted person after the event?

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It's almost like elephant in the room.

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It wasn't discussed.

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It wasn't talked about.

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Ricky: You can either let go of the fact that

the person hurt you and hang on to the only

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relationship that you think you have in this

world, or you can let go of the only

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relationship you have in this world.

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And I didn't know what the right thing to do

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was.

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MaryLayo: How would you say, those

experiences, those event, how did that affect

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you, as in your personality, or had a

terrible.

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Ricky: A terrible impact on me?

The whole circumstance, the way everything

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kind of happened all at once, what it put me

into a position of doing is going from shy,

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quietenhe country boy to living more in a city

type environment.

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Even though it was a small town, I was around

a different crowd of people.

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And so I went from cowboy to thug.

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I had to become somebody I wasn't to just

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survive each day.

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And so I developed what I call situated

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identity.

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I never really let anybody know the real me

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after that, they'll get a snapshot of who I

want them to think I am based on the situation

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that I'm in.

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And then other people didn't know, that part

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of me even existed.

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They had no idea I was hanging out at the

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street races.

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I knew all kinds of drug dealers.

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I had people that if I called them, I could

ask to have somebody killed.

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And some certain segments of my life, they

just thought that I was an honour roll

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student, an athlete, a shy, polite boy.

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They have no idea of all these different masks

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that I was putting on every single day.

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MaryLayo: I mean, that's interesting.

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I would then ask, would you say that you even

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knew who the real you was at that point?

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Ricky: Think about it this way.

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Your formative years are during that period of

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time that all that happened to me.

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And I came out of that, of those formative

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years into being a teenager and battling

hormones and society and all the **** that you

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have to deal with.

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You know, I was just that person in the

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moment.

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And it was much later that I had to finally

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confront, who are you really?

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MaryLayo: Tell me about, like, your later

teenage years, maybe even your early twenties.

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I'm trying to build a picture in my head in

terms of, like, how long did that continue

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for?

And when did you start growing up?

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Or how.

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When did you start becoming more responsible?

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Or how your life shaped past those, I guess,

early, formative, youthful kind of years,

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really.

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Ricky: It was after the.

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It was after watching the man get killed.

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I realised that, you know, this whole thug

life isn't it.

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There's a reality to it that isn't just fun

and games.

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It isn't, you know, it isn't something that

you can just laugh about and it'd be okay the

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next day.

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And I knew that I was born what we say in the

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States, as poor white trash, okay?

I didn't want that to continue.

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You know, I was a good student in school.

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I made straight a's.

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I was a good athlete.

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I was very competitive in football and other

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things.

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And I was also a very good actor.

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I was in like one act plays and stuff and was

very good at it.

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And it's why I was able to accomplish putting

masks on so well, because I was a very good

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actor.

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So I'm doing all those things, but I have this

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other secret life people don't know about

that's running on the side.

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So I go to my high school counsellor as I'm

coming up closer to time to graduate.

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And I got hair past my shoulders.

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I reek of cigarette smoke, but I looked scary,

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honestly.

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And so I go to him and say, hey, man, there's

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only been one person in my entire family who's

ever even graduated high school.

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I'll be the second.

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I want to go to college.

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I want to make something out of my life.

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How do I do it?

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I have nobody to talk to.

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And he looked at me and he said, you know,

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you're just not really college material.

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And I went, why not?

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I got good grades doing this and that.

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And he said, ricky, I think you really ought

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to think about going to automotive technician

school.

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MaryLayo: I don't think that.

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Ricky: And I went, okay.

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So what he did was he looked at me and he

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said, you're just poor white trash.

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Stay on your side of the tracks.

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Don't think about being something, that you're

nothing.

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And I left his office.

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I politely left his office.

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I told him, thank you for his advice, and I

left.

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And in my heart and in my head, as I'm walking

back to class, I said, you know what?

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F you, buddy.

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I'm going to college.

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One way or another, I'm going.

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And I just developed a chip on my shoulder.

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I got angry about, don't tell me I can't do

something.

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As my mother used to quip.

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She'd always say, hide and watch me.

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You know, and so that was kind of my way of

saying, hide and watch me.

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I will go to college.

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And I had a lot of things stacked against me,

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but I went.

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I worked full time, I graduated from college

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with honours.

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And then, you know, I had to.

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I had to step out and be a man, but I still

didn't know how to do it.

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You know, it's like I accomplished the thing I

said I was going to do, but I'm still a broken

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mess inside.

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MaryLayo: I guess I'm impressed.

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The fact that, you know, given you didn't

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have, let's just say, pushy parents that were

on your case when it came to your education or

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even when it came to your athletics and going

to college, because I'm just.

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I'm impressed with the fact that you.

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It's like you still had your eyes set on being

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successful and being a high achiever and going

in a particular path.

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And usually it's external factors, especially

when you're younger.

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That kind of motive brings that motivation,

those values.

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So I'm trying to understand how.

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Where that came from.

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Ricky: I think it was two.

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Two.

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I don't call them events because they weren't

singular, but two things that influenced one

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was before the wheels fell off of my family

cart.

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Okay.

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When things were, I'd say, normal, you know,

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my mom and my dad both would tell me all the

time I was smart, you know, they would at

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least affirm me in that way.

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So I believed that.

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And I was an intelligent person.

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And so I thought, I guess growing up in the

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eighties, you know, and nineties, the whole

idea was, well, you go to school, you go to

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college, you, you know, you become a business

person, work in corporate America.

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That's the american dream.

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And so I just knew that when the wheels fell

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off.

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And now we're ahead very poor, we.

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I don't really have enough to eat.

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I'm malnourished.

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I don't want to live this way.

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Like, I've already seen what life can be like

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because it wasn't always this way.

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And so I don't want to.

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I don't want to die this way.

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I may have to live this way right now, but

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I'll be damned if I meet Jesus this way.

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And so, because I said that too at eight years

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old, everything kind of happened at eight.

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I didn't grow up in church, but I did have an

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uncle who was a baptist preacher, and I had

gone to a couple of his sermons and heard him

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talk about the rapture.

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So I had asked Jesus to be my lord and saviour

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when I was eight, right before everything fell

apart.

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And I believe that was God's way of pursuing

me, getting a hold of me in a way that had he

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not at that point, God only knows where I'd

probably be in prison, probably dead.

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But he got ahold of me in a small way, I

extrapolated my dad and how angry and mean he

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was, and I assumed God was the same way.

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The reason for that, Mary, is because my uncle

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always, everything that I heard, he always

preached on the, on, on revelation, you know,

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on the rapture and the second coming.

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And I was just like, oh, my God, God.

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Like, I confirmed, God hates me, God's angry,

and I better mind myself.

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If I don't, it'll be hell to pay, you know?

And so I had this unhealthy theology and

408

unhealthy fear that was always in the

background.

409

So a part of me was striving to please and

appease.

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And I realise now, not the way to do it, but,

you know, as a young boy, the things that

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influence you are the things that influence

you.

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And so that was in the background, I guess I

knew there was a God and I wanted him to be

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proud of me, just like I wanted my parents to

be proud of me.

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MaryLayo: When did things start to unpack and

maybe.

415

How, how and when did things start to unpack

for you?

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Ricky: Took a long time, 37 years old is when

I really began to confront things.

417

So there was more sequences of events and more

storms that I had to live through.

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What I didn't share with you is that because

of the sexual abuse that I encountered, it

419

made me a very sexually curious person at a

much earlier age than I needed to be.

420

I'm going to say as a man or probably as a

woman, too, but, you know, you start to

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wondering about things, and then, because I

was on this, I'm gonna call it a rat wheel of

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insanity, like a little gerbil or a hamster,

you know, running as fast as I can, going

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nowhere, trying to please people.

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And I foolishly thought that because the

425

person that I loved did that to me, that maybe

then that's how I can get people to love me,

426

right?

And so I became a very sexually promiscuous

427

person, and I was constantly trying to.

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Trying to just get somebody to love me.

429

You know, that was my goal.

430

And that carried me from about 15 through my

431

twenties.

432

I was a very athletic person.

433

I was, like, seven to 9% body fat.

434

I was in incredible shape, and I was a

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handsome young man.

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So I had no problem attracting whoever I

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wanted to into my.

438

And my little web of please love me.

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You know, I didn't want to hurt them at all.

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I just wanted them to love me.

441

And I didn't know how to go about it in the

right way.

442

I became a police officer after college, so

all that did was further, you know, stoke the

443

fires, you know?

Now I'm a man in uniform, and, you know, when

444

in Rome, do as the Romans.

445

And that's what I did.

446

Made detective very early.

447

I was 24 years old when I was a detective and

448

rose through the ranks, I was incredibly

successful at what I did.

449

God was very good to me.

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Even though I was living like hell, as in my

451

first marriage, I know I kept track of at

least 18 different affairs that I had in that

452

marriage.

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I'm not proud of that, but I'm honest about

454

it.

455

And while all of that's happening, my best

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friend gets killed in a line of duty.

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I had never challenged God before.

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I had let all these things just pile on me and

pile on me, and I just stuffed them down or

459

pushed them to the side and just kept going,

you know, thinking foolishly that that somehow

460

was going to help me.

461

But when Kurt was killed on May 8, 2004, one,

462

I didn't know about it because of my foolish

pride.

463

I had changed my number.

464

I had talked to him two weeks before, and I

465

told him I'd call him back with my new number.

466

And I never did it.

467

And I find out through an investigation that

I'm working with some other agencies that he

468

got killed.

469

And so I call his wife, widow, at that time, I

470

guess, and tell her how sorry I was that I

wasn't there.

471

I missed his funeral.

472

And all that did was make me feel even

473

smaller, even worse about myself, you know?

And it just incensed me.

474

And so for the first time in my life, I went

metaphorically into the throne.

475

Throne room of God.

476

And I didn't knock.

477

I kicked the door open and I cussed him out.

478

And I told him he got the wrong guy, that he

479

was supposed to take me, that my life didn't

matter.

480

Kurtz did.

481

And I was mad at him that.

482

Why would he do that?

Everybody loved Kurt.

483

Nobody loves me.

484

And I think it was that pivotal, defining

485

moment where I think, really, God was probably

like, all right, now we're getting somewhere.

486

Right?

Now you're being honest, right?

487

Maybe you're not doing it in the way you

should, but you're finally not hiding behind a

488

mask.

489

And I had never confessed those things before.

490

And I never realised that I chose law

enforcement because I thought it was a way.

491

But every time we would do something

dangerous, I volunteered to be the first guy

492

in the door.

493

Because I thought, if I get shot, who cares?

494

But that guy matters.

495

I don't.

496

And two, it was the way for me to die a hero

and force everybody who said I was nothing to

497

have to admit they were wrong.

498

Foolishness, you know?

499

But.

500

But that's what you do when you have a wounded

501

heart.

502

And so it was that kind of stuff that started

503

to unpack in me when Kurt got killed.

504

And I began to realise, you know, that what I

505

was doing, how I was living, was wrong.

506

I still didn't know how to change it.

507

But I was beginning to recognise some things

that I had to deal with at some point.

508

MaryLayo: What kind of led you to stop

striving for acceptance from others when

509

you're a people pleaser?

And I've been there, and I'm sure that many

510

people have been there, or are there in that

place.

511

So how did you.

512

And I'm sure it was a journey.

513

How did you get to that place where you

weren't looking to please people, either

514

intentionally or even unintentionally?

How did you get to a more healthy place if.

515

If you're there?

516

Ricky: Well, what's funny is that God had to

turn the heat up even more to get me to

517

recognise something.

518

And the way he did it was through the life of

519

my daughter.

520

So in my first marriage, we were told that we

521

could not conceive.

522

And the moment we decided to get divorced, she

523

got pregnant.

524

And again, I went to the throne room of God

525

and told him, you ******** up again?

Like, why would you.

526

Why would you put a kid in this?

I don't want this child to relive my life.

527

That's what I told him.

528

I said, it's the last thing I want.

529

And.

530

And I had been listening to different radio

531

preachers and I've been trying to understand

the Bible.

532

I've been really trying to understand God.

533

I hadn't figured him out yet, but I was

534

trying.

535

And my daughter comes along and then I just.

536

I recognised, or at least I conceded with.

537

With God.

538

That, one, I'm sorry, I shouldn't cuss you

out, ever.

539

Two, I'm scared because I don't want this

child's life to be mine.

540

And three, I recognise that I don't create

life, I just get to enjoy the process.

541

You create life.

542

Right.

543

And so you gave me this child.

544

I'm giving the child back to you.

545

That's what I told him.

546

I said, you do with this child what you want

547

and I'll just do my best to be a good dad

along the way.

548

MaryLayo: Like, one of the things that you

mentioned earlier is about, I think you said

549

when you were 42, how you basically opened up

and you shared to your mom and I think, the

550

other person, what happened to you when you

were.

551

When you were young and you were a child.

552

So was it that was it that experience that led

553

to coming to a point where you were then able

to share and talk and when things out of the

554

closet had been suppressed and packed away and

hidden.

555

Yeah.

556

Tell us about how you got to that point.

557

Ricky: You know, the mind.

558

So our soul people may say, I don't have a

559

soul.

560

You do.

561

Your mind, your will and your emotions reside

in your soul.

562

You won't find them in any physicality in your

body, not in your brain.

563

Right?

So we have to reside somewhere.

564

They're in your soul.

565

And so this is soul level work that you have

566

to be willing to do.

567

And it's much like when you.

568

Maybe you get bit by a poisonous snake or you

have a cut that you don't tend to and he gets

569

infected.

570

Okay.

571

All of that hurt.

572

All of those things that are in you, if you've

573

never felt them, if you've never mourned the

loss of somebody who hurt you, that loved you,

574

you have to be willing to deal with the wound,

right?

575

You got to get the venom out.

576

So I had to go back and relive all of that.

577

I had to mourn the loss.

578

It was hell.

579

I spent seven years doing that every single

day with God, and learning how to love myself

580

and realising I was worth loving and learning

how to love him.

581

And then once I did the hard work for myself,

I knew that the only way I could be healthy

582

from a mental health perspective was to set

appropriate boundaries for myself.

583

And so I had two responsibilities to the

people who had hurt me before, not to hurt

584

them back.

585

That was not it.

586

It wasn't about retaliation or revenge.

587

It was about.

588

I need you to hear that you hurt me.

589

I need to get this off my chest.

590

I need to say it.

591

I'm not saying it to hurt you.

592

And if that's your response, that's between

you and God.

593

That's not my problem.

594

Right.

595

But I am redrawing the boundary lines of what

a healthy relationship is going to look like.

596

And you can respect my boundaries and we can

be in relationship together, or you don't have

597

to and we won't.

598

And what I had to realise is that not

599

everybody that is in your life needs to remain

in your life.

600

There are necessary endings in life that

happen.

601

There are necessary conversations as well that

also have to happen.

602

And if you ever want to have healthy mental

health, and if you ever want to be emotionally

603

available and healthy, you have to be willing

to get toxic situations and toxic people out

604

of your life.

605

And you have to be willing to draw lines in

606

the sand to say, here are the boundaries, obey

them, or you have to go.

607

And you have to be willing to take that stand.

608

And just like your shirt says, make yourself a

609

priority.

610

MaryLayo: So a couple of things.

611

One is you mentioned about for seven years

612

each day, you know, I guess allowing God to

work with you, doing stuff.

613

What did that look like?

And then linked to that is, I know that

614

there'll be people listening and wondering,

maybe even questioning the fact that you said,

615

you've been talking about how God spoke to

you, you've been having these conversations,

616

and they'll be wondering, like, how.

617

How do you hear from God?

618

And this is probably even another episode in

itself, but perhaps if you can maybe even try

619

and shed a little bit of light to how you grew

to hear God's voice and have that kind of

620

relationship where you're talking with each

other.

621

Ricky: It started with journaling.

622

So the whole process started with journaling.

623

I had a mentor who told me that I needed to

sit down and instead of just praying in my

624

mind, I needed to write this stuff down.

625

And some mornings you wake up and you're

626

****** off at the world and that's what Kerry,

write it down.

627

And so what I started doing was I started

writing it as though I was writing a letter.

628

And I had learned that the scripture says

that, that God has a name called Abba.

629

And Abba means father or daddy.

630

And so I thought, I didn't have a daddy.

631

I'd love to have one.

632

So now you're my daddy.

633

And so I started the letter.

634

Every morning I put the date on it and I'd

635

say, good morning, daddy.

636

And I just start telling them my heart.

637

And when I first started, I was very, it was

trite.

638

I wasn't being sincere at all.

639

I didn't want to do it.

640

I was only doing it because my mentor told me

to do it.

641

But what I heard in this thoughts that I was

not thinking, I didn't expect this to happen.

642

I wrote out this thing saying, I'm here, I'm

doing blah, blah, blah, blah.

643

And I paused and waited.

644

And all of a sudden I have these thoughts that

645

are coming through my head that I know are not

from me.

646

And they basically said, when you, when you

really want to do this for real with me, you

647

let me know, I'll be here.

648

But right now your heart is not true.

649

And I was like, ouch.

650

Okay, you're right.

651

And so I just wrote it down.

652

Right?

653

And so every day I would, I would get up early

in the morning.

654

I made that my quiet time.

655

Sometimes I would write, I'd pour my heart

656

out.

657

Sometimes I would hear things and I'd have

658

these thoughts that I thought were coming from

God.

659

I'd write them down.

660

Sometimes I'd get nothing.

661

So I wrote nothing down the next day.

662

Next day I just kept at it.

663

I also began to read scripture.

664

I began to, you know, continue to learn, uh,

665

about God through his word.

666

And I just blended the two things.

667

And what I, what I got out of this, out of

this, as I say, the thoughts that I'm not

668

thinking, but they're, but they're happening

in my mind, I realised that's the voice of

669

God.

670

He's talking to me, he's sharing things with

671

me.

672

I just always thought I had this vivid

673

imagination, you know, that I have these crazy

thoughts sometimes.

674

No. It's the Holy Spirit who is speaking to

you through you.

675

And all of us have different spiritual gifts.

676

We all have a different way in which maybe we.

677

We can communicate with God.

678

Sometimes I may see something, I may see a

679

bird or I may have certain signs or whatever

that occur that I can extrapolate that, okay?

680

God's trying to communicate to me through

this.

681

Sometimes it's through other people, sometimes

it's through the Bible, sometimes it's through

682

those thoughts.

683

And I just began becoming intentional about

684

sharing what was on my heart with.

685

With the living God.

686

Because if he's real, then he's going to care,

right?

687

And I began to then write down these things

that I thought.

688

And then I started asking questions.

689

And then I began seeing how he was moving in

690

my life and I could go back and review the

record because I've been writing it down.

691

That's why writing it down is so important.

692

And so as I'm along that journey and I'm doing

693

this over the seven year period, one of the

things he told me was he said, you know, you

694

never allowed yourself to feel any of that

hurt.

695

He said, why didn't you do that?

And I said, because who wants to feel that?

696

And he said, you got to let yourself feel it.

697

You got to hurt.

698

It's okay to hurt.

699

And so I had to go back and he said, I want

700

you to write down everybody who's hurt you.

701

He said, I want you to start thinking through

702

how they hurt you.

703

I want you to let yourself feel it.

704

And then I want you to forgive them.

705

I was like, I don't want to forgive some of

706

these people.

707

And he's like, you got to forgive them.

708

You may never forget it, but you have to

forgive them.

709

It's not your job to judge them.

710

And you got to remember something, son.

711

They're just as screwed up as you are.

712

And it helped me realise that while I didn't

713

appreciate the things that maybe my dad or my

mom said, but I had to recognise they're just

714

as broken as me.

715

They're on their journey, too.

716

And that's what allowed me to let them go and

forgive them and say, I don't agree with what

717

you did, but I'm sure somebody out there

doesn't agree with what I did either.

718

MaryLayo: So, Ricky, I want to ask you to, I

guess, pick out the key things that has really

719

helped you along the way.

720

So I'm thinking particularly about people who

721

feel like their life is such a mess and

there's no way out of this mess.

722

Yeah.

723

That it's probably just too much, you know?

724

And how can they get past that mess just

because of all that's happened?

725

And I think you're such a good example of

someone who's been through a lot.

726

I don't think anyone would say any different

and yet is able to speak about it.

727

And it's very rare that people talk openly

about some of the things that they've gone

728

through, the things that you've gone through.

729

So what would you say and what would you say

730

are the key things?

731

Ricky: So I had in my book, I say that I used

to build sand castles on secret beaches, okay,

732

that nobody knew about.

733

And it's a metaphor for the sin that I was

734

caught up in.

735

It's not a proud moment when you go before God

736

and man and say, I'm a sex addict, right?

In fact, sex was my God.

737

That's hard to do.

738

And I think every single one, I don't think I

739

know every single one of you out there right

now, you have something that you've told

740

yourself.

741

I am taking that to my grave.

742

Ain't nobody going to know what I did.

743

Don't do that.

744

You got to let it out.

745

Because right now, you see, it has power over

746

you.

747

As long as you give it power.

748

The longer you withhold it, the longer you

hide it, the more you can have any control

749

over it.

750

And the thing that I'm most thankful for is

751

that I began to open this door and tell

everybody what a mess I am.

752

Because you know what?

Anybody now who comes at me and goes, yeah,

753

but you're such and such.

754

I'm like, you know that because I told you.

755

What are you going to do?

You use that against me?

756

I give a ****.

757

I'm the one who confessed it.

758

So you may not have anybody in your life.

759

You may not have that mentor.

760

Well, guess what?

You got me if you want me.

761

Because if you need somebody to talk to,

that's what I do.

762

You want to.

763

You want to need somebody to help you through

764

something, but you got to ask for help.

765

You see, the God of the universe created a

766

whole lot of planets and a whole lot of stars.

767

There's a bunch of rocks that are out there in

768

space.

769

Yet we're all on one, which means that we need

770

to be connected with one another.

771

So stop isolating and start reaching out for

772

help.

773

You're hurting, you're struggling.

774

You're trying to do it by yourself.

775

But if you hadn't figured it out now, you

776

ain't going to.

777

So find somebody that you can go to and say,

778

let me open up my closet.

779

Let me show you all my skeletons.

780

And the thing that I do now for everybody that

I talk to is that I hold my hands up like

781

this.

782

And I say, before we get started, I want you

783

to know I do not have any stones to throw at

you.

784

Not one.

785

Because I got my own ****, right?

786

And many times that person isn't willing to

step out and just tell all their ****.

787

That's why I tell mine.

788

Because if I can do it, why don't you just

789

follow me?

Right?

790

It's okay to say you don't have it figured

out.

791

It's okay to say you're hurting.

792

It's okay to say that you screwed something

793

up.

794

What's not okay is to go blame everybody else

795

for what you've done.

796

So you've got to find somebody to talk to.

797

Tell a friend.

798

If you don't have a friend, then find somebody

799

like me who's willing to help you and help you

find solutions, not just keep asking.

800

How does that make you feel?

801

MaryLayo: I'm on that memory key.

802

Thank you.

803

And I'm just so thankful for you being that

person who's able to share and be open and

804

transparent so that you can help others.

805

So thank you so much.

806

Ricky: It's my pleasure.

807

And thank you again for allowing me to share

808

my testimony on your show.

809

MaryLayo: Thanks for listening.

810

Do follow and join me again next time on

811

beyond the smile with MaryLayo.