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Hello and welcome back to family sobriety now I am your host, Joseph Devlin, and I am glad you're here with me today. If you're listening, chances are you have someone who's struggling with substance use, and you're trying to figure out, sometimes, moment by moment, what it means to help without hurting, to care without controlling, and to support without slipping into enabling. Maybe it's a teenager who came home smelling like weed for the first time, or a spouse who had a night where they drank too much and crossed a line. Maybe it hasn't turned into a full blown addiction yet, but you're starting to see signs, and your heart is asking, What do I do now? That's why today's episode is so important. It's called, is it enabling or helping? And we're going to walk through this together, because this is one of the hardest parts of loving someone in substance use or addiction.
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We're going to break it down into three parts.
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First, we're going to look at enabling, what it looks like and why it's so easy to slip into it. And we're going to look at what genuine help looks like support that actually strengthens both you and your loved one. And finally, we're going to look at four practical things you can begin doing right away to find peace and clarity in the middle of all this chaos. And as always, my hope is that you walk away from this episode feeling encouraged, not shamed. You're not alone and you're not crazy for struggling with this. It's one of the hardest balancing acts families ever face.
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So let's get at it.
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All right. Enabling doesn't come from weakness or failure. It comes from love. We want to protect and shield and soften the blow for someone we care about. Let me tell you about Mark and his son, Tyler. Now, Tyler was 19, fresh out of high school, and experimenting with pills and alcohol. Mark knew something wasn't right. His once responsible kid was now coming home late, sometimes not at all. One night, Tyler stumbled in after midnight, clearly high, and instead of facing the fallout at school or work, the next day, Mark, called in sick for him. He told himself, I'm just giving him one more chance. He's young.
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He'll figure it out.
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But that one phone call turned into a pattern,
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covering from his shifts,
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quietly paying tickets, excusing behavior to extended family, and every time Mark stepped in, Tyler's behaviors got A little worse. Mark thought he was helping, but really he was shielding Tyler from consequences. That might have been the very thing to wake him up. And here's the truth, it doesn't have to get that far before we think about this question. Maybe it's just the very first time you've noticed something off. Maybe it's your teenager experimenting or your spouse slipping into unhealthy habits. Those are the best moments to put guidelines into motion, clear loving boundaries that say I love you, but here's what I can and can't support. Most young people will experiment with something at some point.
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That's not always the end of the world.
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The real question is,
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do we create a relationship where they feel safe enough to talk to us and respectful enough to follow the boundaries we set. That's where prevention starts before the patterns even take root. Now, helping looks very different than enabling. It's not abandoning, it's not harsh ultimatums that cut someone out of your life. Helping means standing in a place of love and truth.
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So here's another story,
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Rachel and her younger sister, Anna.
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Anna was in her 20s. 90s, she was battling alcohol and often borrowed money from Rachel. At first, Rachel gave freely gas money, rent money, even helping cover a car payment. She thought, If I don't Anna, could end up homeless. She needs me. But one day after yet another frantic call,
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Rachel took a deep breath and said,
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Anna, I love you too much to keep giving you money that I know isn't really helping you. I want to support you, but in ways that actually make your life better. I can give you a ride to meetings. I can sit with you if you want to call a treatment center. I can cook dinner with you if you want a safe night in
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but I can't keep giving money. So
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that boundary didn't magically fix everything. Anna was angry. She accused Rachel of being selfish,
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but Rachel stayed steady.
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Over time, Anna began to see her sister wasn't abandoning her, she was showing her a deeper kind of love.
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And here's something powerful.
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Rachel gave Anna choices. Instead of just saying no, she said, here are the things I can do.
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You decide if you want them,
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and there's so much freedom and choices, it restores dignity the person struggling while protecting the person who loves them.
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Now let's bring this down to the ground level, because you don't just need stories, you need tools that you can actually use. Here are four practices you can start today.
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Pause before you act
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when your loved one asks for something, money, a ride, a favor. Pause,
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take it. Take a breath. Let it out.
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Step back from the urgency
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and ask yourself,
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will this move them closer to recovery
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or make it easier for them to stay in addiction or their substance abuse? That pause is powerful. It breaks the cycle of automatic reacting. It gives you a moment to let wisdom, not fear, speak. Even a 32nd pause can change the direction of the entire conversation.
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Two. Journal the truth.
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When you're in the middle of chaos, your mind will play tricks on you,
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emotions, cloud, memory.
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Journaling lets you see things clearly.
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Write down the dates, the requests, the outcomes.
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Write down your prayers, your anger, your relief.
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One mom told me,
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when I looked back at my journal, I realized I had loaned money 17 times in two months, I thought it was three. That truth gave me the strength to stop loaning all the money.
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Journaling isn't just writing, it's putting light
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on the shadows.
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Three anchor yourself spiritually and emotionally. Caring for someone in addiction is like standing in the middle of a storm. If you don't anchor yourself, you'll get swept away. Prayer, scripture, meditation or simply breathing deeply in silence. These aren't luxuries, they are lifelines. I've seen parents write out prayers every morning. One father said that journal was my sanity. I couldn't control what my son was doing, but I could talk to God and. Stay steady.
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That anchor kept him from drowning.
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Four
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try radical listening.
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This one feels radical because it goes against our instinct to fix instead of waiting for our turn to talk, or instead of lecturing and bargaining or trying to convince, just listen, really listen. You might say, tell me how you're feeling tonight. I'm not here to argue. I just want to understand. Sometimes the most powerful way to help is to give your loved one a safe space to speak doesn't mean you agree with their choices. It doesn't mean you're condoning the behavior. It means you're preserving the relationship, because connection is that soil where change grows. All right,
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let's be honest.
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What I'm talking about
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this is not easy.
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Families across the country struggle with the line between enabling and helping. Some studies show up to 70% of families later say, I wish I had sought support sooner I didn't realize I was enabling until it was too late.
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That statistic breaks my heart,
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because it shows how confusing this road really is. You're not failing if you stumbled here, you're human, you're loving, you're learning, and you don't have to walk this road alone. A counselor, a coach, a pastor, or even a trusted friend who understands addiction or substance abuse can make a world of difference.
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So here's some of the things I want you to take
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away enabling often feels like love,
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but it shields our loved ones
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from growth.
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Helping can be firm, but it's rooted in real love and truth, and you can learn to tell the differences with practice, with support and with hope. If anything I've shared today resonates with you, reach out to me. This is the work I do. I walk with families just like yours through the fog and into clarity. And if this episode encouraged you, please like, share and subscribe. That small step helps get this message in front of more families who desperately need hope. Thank you for being here with me today on family sobriety now and always remember, sobriety is a family affair.
